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 |  Being a stay at home mom is never as cut and dry as you think it is. |
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Originally my pregnancy blog, now continuing on as the life of a mom and her two wacky kiddos thing till I don't want to write in it anymore  . So come on in and see what's going on in my world for a bit if you like...Be careful where you step, as the kids have all their Pokemon cards out! Feel free to hug a Hello Kitty plush! Come join in the fun, Super Mario Bros. and Hello Kitty style!![Merit Badge in Parenting
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Congratulations on your pregnancy*^*Smile*^*. You already are a wonderful mom to your son and I know this baby will be very blessed also
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In the midst of how you are feeling right now, know that it can be fixed & I'm proud of you for writing the poem that reflects how you feel. The love of your children clearly shines through. *^*Heart*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/genre-Family-584.gif) ![Merit Badge in Journaling
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I'm so glad to be back blogging and reading yours. The kids have grown so much! I'm so glad that you, myself and T are still here journaling together!](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Journaling-2180.gif) the wonderful badges my "Sister", silversara, graced me with. Thanks Sis, I  you! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Thanks to all of you for your support, your comments, your love, your generosity and your time! Never met a greater bunch of people then on here! Besides, who else would want to listen to a rambling crazy mom, both during and especially after pregnancy?
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| Journey is an overly emotional child. This frightens me, because I was also an overly emotional child, and I'm bipolar. I don't know if that means when she's older, she's going to experience bipolar, or if she'll miss that boat or not. I'm not psychologist, so I wouldn't be able to tell you, but yes, it worries me. I'm not nearly as strong a bipolar as most people are (Firstly, I'm a BP II, which means there's no mania. Hypomania, yes, but not out and out mania. Secondly, my depressive and hypomanic states are not severe in any way. They do not entirely derail my life, my family, my finances, etc. like they do for some people.), so I won't be too upset if she's a bipolar like I'm a bipolar, but still, I'd rather she just skip it altogether, considering she's got other things on her plate. Journey is not able to explain her emotions though. She has trouble verbalizing that she's hurt, upset, angry, etc. She can't tell you WHY, or HOW, or WHAT. You just have to figure out from what she's showing at that moment to decide what her emotional state is. Tonight, I had a shocker. Now, Journey, for some reason, is not a fan of when Don puts her to bed. I don't know why this is. I've asked her, and she can't give me a response suitable enough to make me put her to bed every night instead. All I know is, she prefers me to put her to bed over Don. She groans every night its his turn, and cheers every night it's mine. I don't know what this means. Tonight was no exception. It was Don's night to put her to bed, which she wasn't happy about in the first place. She was very weepy and mopey. I don't know why. Well, Don compounded the issue by raising his voice when she wasn't properly spitting out her toothpaste. Now, Journey doesn't know how to properly spit out ANYTHING. If she was choking, I would have to reach my fingers into her mouth and pry out whatever it is that's choking her. She can't spit anything out. I don't know why that is. And, Don was kind of impatient because his game was coming on, so he wanted her to hurry up so he could get back to his game. (Take from that what you will.) So he raised his voice, showing his impatience, and it set her off. She began her meltdown, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to continue on. I had to carry her to her room, she was so beside herself. I took over for Don because his game was coming on, and because she was beside herself, and I'm the only one that can calm her down when she's hysterical like that. So, I carried her into her room, and attempted to comfort her. I picked a book out for her because she was being irrational, trying to get me to read books that take awhile to read. (I don't know if she did that on purpose, to try and get me to spend more time with her, or if she was just doing it because she doesn't care, she's upset, and she's not thinking straight. I wish I could tell you. This child is a mystery to me sometimes.), I placed her on her bed, and began to read to her. She cried silently, listening to me read to her and show her the pictures in the book. After I was done, she began to sob louder again. I held her in my arms and attempted to comfort her. "Why are you crying Journey?" I asked her. I knew her answer would be "I don't know.". It was. "Is it because Daddy got loud when you didn't spit your toothpaste out?" I asked, knowing I hit the nail on the head. "Yes!" she cried. I held her and rocked her. "It's okay honey, he's not mad, okay? He just got loud. He's better now, okay? " "But I'm not!" she tells me. Color me shocked. "Why are you not better Journ?" "Because, you get mad at me when I do my homework! You always get mad at me when I do it!" Again, shocked face. "But...but...honey," I stammered. Do I really get upset with her during homework? I questioned myself. I know I take no nonsense when it's homework time, and I'm very stern, but I don't think I've ever raised my voice at her while she was doing it...have I? "Honey," I continued, "I don't get mad at you when you do your homework," "But you get loud." "Do I? I'm sorry if I do. I'm not mad though, okay?" She started crying all over again. I gathered her in my arms and tried to soothe her. "It's okay honey, Daddy's not mad. No one's mad, okay? Sometimes we sound like we're mad, but we're not mad. Maybe we get mad at one time, but then we get happy again, okay? Nobody's mad at you." I wish there was a way to show her that emotions come and go. You don't have to stay on one emotion at one time. You can feel a RANGE of emotions in a matter of minutes. It seems like she gets emotionally stuck sometimes. She stays happy as much as she can, even if someone's wronged her, even if something upsets her, even if the day goes downhill. If something DOES manage to get under her skin enough to make her upset, she stays in upset mode for a very long time, and it colors her entire day. Nothing you do, engage her with Kiki Maow, talk in Kitty Talk (which is discouraged at our house except for bed time), let her play her Hello Kitty game, NOTHING gets her out. Until she decides when it's over. She's a very stubborn little thing. This, was definitely a first though. She's never been able to tell me something like this before. I don't know how she found the words to do it, but I'm glad she did. Now I just wish I could find the words to explain to her that feelings come and go, but love is forever. It seems like every time I try to explain this, she doesn't get it. Or maybe, she's just really upset when I tell her, and I don't think it soaks in. If it did soak in though, she wouldn't think we're always mad at her. I don't know. I wish I could talk to someone that understood this better than I do. |
| Today marks the end of our vacation. Well, as far as from Ocean City, that was on Thursday, but today is the end of the spring break vacation for the kids. Tomorrow they're back to school, and everything is back to the grind again. Journey is thrilled about this, as she's missed school and her routine very much. She did fabulous on the vacation though! The only thing that drove me and Don nuts is that the kids found something to complain about every day on our vacation at Ocean City. Too much mini golf, ice skating is too hard, we didn't stay in the pool long enough, bowling's too hard, we didn't stay at the beach long enough, blah blah blah. Don says next time we go on vacation, we're going to go just him and me, leave the kids with someone else. All in all though, I think we all enjoyed it. We were all sad to leave Ocean City, but go home and go back to our normally scheduled lives we must. I took a TON of pictures! (I'm sure you all saw them!) Today, we're just catching up on laundry, and hanging out till we have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow morning and get going to school. I'm coming in for her class tomorrow, and then it's a busy week the rest of the week. We have a dentist appointment on Wednesday to fill a cavity for Ryan, and then I have a therapy appointment, then Thursday I have a doctor's appointment, and Ryan has a soccer game. We don't get any time to breathe until Friday! By then it's the weekend, so we'll be able to relax then. Then next week is the honor roll assembly for Ryan, and the Good Citizen awards for Journey (she got chosen as a good citizen this month! I'm so proud of her!), and then the week after that, Journey has a field trip to Elms Beach. Busy month this month! Glad we got some rest and relaxation in on spring break while we did! The trip to Ocean City was so enjoyable. We got to do so much, and found great restaurants to eat at, and everything. I loved every minute of it. I hope we can do it again soon! |
| We're getting ready to go on vacation. First time in 4 years. We're going to Ocean City, Maryland. I'm writing a million lists to try and remember everything we'll need when we go, but I swear I'm going to forget something and then we'll need to pick it up at Walmart there. I hope this isn't the case. The kids are excited, but not as excited as kids usually are. They're not begging to go right now right now, but they say they're excited, so I'll take that as they are. Don's not too impressed, as he's spent most of his childhood there, so it's not as big of a deal to him. Party pooper. Oh well, we're going to enjoy it anyway! If you're facebook friends with me (which most of you are), you'll see the pictures I post as we go along. Hopefully I don't forget my camera here at home. We'll see how this goes folks. Hopefully a good time will be had by all! |
| A nice, springy green is in order I suppose. So, hi. Long time no see, I know. I've been busy, and there wasn't much to say till lately. Hold on, we're dealing with a meltdown. Shit. Okay, bomb diffused. That was tough. Journey's been having a lot of meltdowns lately. It's very strange, because we've never dealt with these before. Normally toddlers have these because they don't understand that they can't get what they want, or they can't have that extra cookie, or because they can't express themselves verbally correctly, which is the main culprit. When Journey was 2-3, she didn't have regular tantrum meltdowns. If we deviated from a routine, she'd melt down, but it wasn't as bad as these ones are. She doesn't do any screaming, she does the noisy crying. She cries and sobs, none of this stifled. It's very loud, wet and noisy. If you were to ask he why she's crying, she couldn't tell you. All you get is a lot of "I don't know!" and "My eyes are all wet!!", which sets her off again. The hard part is guessing what it was that set her off. Today, there could have been three culprits: #1-She had to do homework. I don't know if I believe this is the only culprit, because she usually has no problems doing homework during the week. She's very good about it. #2-Ryan was playing Webkinz and she wanted to play too. This is very possible, but usually he plays and she doesn't notice while she's doing homework. I don't know why today she noticed and got upset. #3-Her Uncle Sean is no longer visiting. He went home this morning to Florida. This is very possible, as she saw the couch empty, and though she didn't say anything about it when we walked in the door, she looked deflated as we sauntered in. Which of these three could it be? I don't know. Could it be a combination of the three? Probably. I'll never know because she can't express herself verbally correctly yet. She was signed up for speech therapy for this exact reason. I'm not sure if they're doing the speech therapy yet (I just asked Journey if she's been seeing the speech therapist. She said yes. I asked her what they've been working on, she says she doesn't know.) That's the answer I'm very used to with Journey, "I don't know." That's what she used to tell me when her special ed teacher came in and worked with her, before her special ed teacher started making those daily progress reports to send home with me. Now, Journey is capable of telling her special ed teacher all about what she did with her day. We're making progress! But yes, these meltdowns just started not too long ago. She can't put into words what it is she wants or needs, so she feels the need to melt down. Then when you ask her, she can't tell you why. She just keeps crying. So, how do you diffuse this? Well, there are a few ways. First, you get them away from the situation if you can. Taking them out of the room they started in, or getting them to the other side of somewhere is preferable. You have to talk really quiet to her. I let her snuggle up to me. And then I firmly, but lovingly, get her through it. "I know you're sad, but it's time to do homework. I can help you. Come sit down with me. Let's go get a drink of water. Let's wipe your eyes. Stop...shhhhhh. It's okay. We can do this!" And then, strategically, you work through the minefield. You watch where you walk, because if you're not careful, you'll set it off all over again, and then you're back where you started in the first place. The biggest thing is to KEEP CALM. Don't raise your voice, don't lose your cool, just stay calm, stay focused, and stay on task to putting whatever it was that set them off in the first place, back away somewhere where they won't notice it again. So far, I'm the only one that can diffuse her. She rages on when it's Don or her Uncle Sean, as we saw last night. I don't blame them; it's not an easy thing to do. Part of you just wants to scream "KNOCK IT OFF!!!", but no, you cannot do that. You just gotta stay with them, make sure they stay with you, and walk them through. The only thing you can do. Anyway, that's not even what I was on here for to talk about, but now that you've lived a day of the life in my shoes LOL... Ryan needs glasses. Full time glasses, not just "reading glasses" like Journey has. We took him to the optometrist on Saturday. I really like him, he's a great guy. I knew that if I took him anywhere else, they would say "Oh yeah, Ryan definitely needs glasses", but I wouldn't know if they were saying that just to sell me a pair, or if he really needed them. The doctor that I took him to, I trust. I know if Ryan didn't need glasses, he wouldn't sell them to me. But if he did, he'd tell me just how much he needed them. Sure as anything, he told me "He's seeing 80/20 in one eye, and 100/20 in the other eye. He's going to need full time glasses." Ryan was very excited about this, and ran immediately to the counter with all the kids glasses and started trying on frames. He's a very frugal kid, so he decided to look in the clearance section as well . He knows we don't have a lot of money, and he doesn't want to cost us more than he should, so he does what he can to make the expense a little less, you know? Great kid. I told him if he wanted the $100 pair, he could get them, but he told me "I'd rather stick with the $54, if it's okay with you Mom." Soccer practice starts tomorrow, and then Saturday at 8:30 in the morning is his first game. I'm not sure if we're going to be up and ready for his first game, or if we're going to skip it because Journey sleeps in. We'll see if she's up by 7:45 that morning. If she is, we'll go. If she's not, I'm staying home with her and Don will be taking Ryan to the game. I'm going to be missing a lot of practices too. We decided that it was just easier for me to stay home and make dinner while the boys go to Ryan's soccer practice, so that way when they come home, it'll be easy to just feed, bathe, bed. No waiting for me to make dinner, and that taking an hour and a half, and then having to rush them eating to try and get them to bed on time. That's a mess. It's just easier if me and Journey stay home (if she wants to go, I suppose she could...but that would be up to Don, really.), and I make dinner for it to be ready when they get home. It's a lot more efficient this way. I feel kind of bad, because I want to be involved in this, especially since I can't be involved in his classroom. But, I can only do so much. I'll go to the games when I can (like I said, 8:30 in the morning is probably too early for Journey, and I need to be considerate of her as well.), but I can't be there as often as Don can. It's good that Don gets to be a part of his team like this though. I get to be a part of Ryan's day with taking him to school, and picking him up, and sometimes getting to go in the classroom for parties, and helping with homework, and etc. But at least Don's got something now to partake in with him. We have another IEP meeting, this one on the 28th. It'll be exactly a month since we had the last one. We're hoping to hear from the adaptive P.E. teacher and the speech therapist this time around, see how she's progressing there. I also talked with her special ed teacher, and requested a couple of different first grade teachers in case she could get Journey in either of those classes, and asked her if this was the last year she had with Journey. She said she's hoping that they'll move her along with the kindergarteners she's had this year, and move up with them. I hope that's the case; I really love her special ed teacher! She does too! She's been invited to her birthday party, she can't wait to have her there! Well, I think that's as much typing as I can stand for the day! Gonna go check my email, make dinner, and read a book.  |
| ...And some about the girl... So maybe it should say 8y, 8m, 1d old? Anywho... Got together with Ryan's best friend James and his mom Kelly today. It's always so good to sit with Kelly and talk with her; I appreciate her immensely! Getting to talk to her helps when the boys decide they're going to play at the park for hours on end (we're usually there anywhere between 1 1/2 hours to 3 1/2 hours), and it's good to get to talk with a friend. I enjoy when we get to spend time together. She asked me if it would be okay if Ryan could come over to their house and play video games with James (they like to conference call each other while playing Mario Kart), and I told her absolutely. Any time they want him to come over, I'm for it, unless we have something else to do. We enrolled Ryan into soccer this year. He hasn't played since he was 4. What's funny is, his friend James is enrolled in the same league as Ryan, so they might even get to be on the same team, or they might face each other! Ryan's excited for either prospect. It's good to know there's a familiar face in the league with him. We went today to get all his gear, considering he's outgrown all the gear he had last time he was in soccer! We had coupons to use that we got from the league as well, so that helped with the savings. It would've been $60, but we bought him a pair of slide shoes to wear after he takes his cleats off, and those cost $20 by themselves. We would've enrolled Journey in soccer too, but she has trouble with gross motor skills. I don't want to put her in a situation where she can't keep up with the other kids; it would be bad for her self esteem, or so I think. It's very hard for her to do things like dribble a ball (running and kicking it at the same time), so I don't expect her to go out there and do all that with the other kids when she's not capable. Speaking of Journey and her gross motor skills, Journey's having another IEP meeting, and it looks like we're going to be getting a couple more services for her. We're getting speech therapy (which is good, because she has a hard time verbalizing emotions), and she's getting an extra gym class every week to help her work with her gross motor skills. I'm very excited that she's getting these services, as she could really use them. I'm extremely grateful to her special ed teacher, because she's the one that fought so hard to get them for her. Journey just needs that extra little push to help her along. She's doing great in class! She's learning to read at level, and she can do math pretty well now (with minimal help!). Her teacher says she's doing great things, which makes me so happy to hear. I worry about her a lot, I'm so glad I get to come in and see her every Tuesday, and see how she's faring. |
| So tomorrow, Ryan is going over to a friend's house for a sleepover birthday party. I am both proud, and terrified. This will be the first time EVER, that he's been this far away from home, sleeping at another person's house. When he was 6, we let him sleep over at my friend Jenny's house, but that was when she lived right across the backyard from us. Her door was literally 25 feet away from mine. If anything happened, I could simply run to her door, get him and walk him back home in a matter of seconds. Nothing happened though, and he did fine. This, though...this is a whole different animal. I know this boy's mom. She's in charge of the PTA, or at least she was when I met her. Ryan talks about the boy a lot; they share a class together, and they both are in chess club. Ryan's been over to his house before; they spent the day playing video games. So it's not like we're not familiar with them. We are. So that part of me is placated. I know them. They're good people. They have three sons. Ryan has a good time at their house. But the other part of me, the "worrywart mom" part of me, is terrified. I am leaving my child, my 8 year old child, in a house with other people, for a night. I will not be there to tell him good night, or give him a hug, or anything. He will be sleeping miles away from where I am. Granted, it's still in town, and it's only a car ride away, but he is far from me. There are only a handful of times I can count, that I have ever not been in the presence of my son. One time was when he was with my parents for a month when he was 18 months old (long story behind that. It ended up for the best though, because I wound up in the hospital very sick, and I would've had no one to take care of him while I was in intensive care.), when I spent three nights in the hospital from having Journey, and the night he went to Jenny's. This will only be the 4th time he's been away from me. I watch over my kids like a hawk. They do not go outside unless I am out there with them. They do not go anywhere unless I am with them, unless it's to a friend's house. And even then, in the case of Journey, she does not go without me. I am present there in that house with her. To me, 5 is much too young to be spending time alone in someone else's house. That, and her delay, are key factors in my not letting her be alone in a house with other people. She can't express herself verbally very well, especially emotions, dislikes, etc. If something upsets her, she can't tell them "I don't like this, I want to go home". She'll just cry. It's necessary for me to be there with her right now, to make that transition easier. Believe me when I say, it's not because I don't trust you. It is simply because my child is special needs. Ryan is NOT special needs, in fact, he is very advanced. So much so that I sometimes forget he's only 8. He's very wise for his years. I know that if something upsets him or something seems scary, he will say something, and more than likely we will be called. Part of me wants to drill this into his head, so he remembers that I'm only a phone call away, and I will come get him ASAP. The other part of me says "Calm down Jamie, he's a big boy now, he'll be fine". "But this is my little boy. He's never been away from home before!" "He'll be fine. I promise. If anything goes wrong, he'll call." "What if the other boys make fun of him for calling?" "He knows what he likes and doesn't like, he won't do something just to save face and look cool in front of the other kids. That's not how Ryan rolls." "Can we just tell him again and hug him extra hard?" ... "Can we also pack him an extra pair of underwear? You never know when they'll come in handy." "Seriously Jamie, get a hold of yourself." Oh the arguments I have with myself! So, tomorrow at 3:30 p,m,, we will officially be Ryan-less for the night. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I'm sure Don will convince me somehow. Momma needs a chill pill! It's so hard to let go. Baby steps. A little at a time. Boy, it sure is hard. But it's necessary to let them grow up. |
| So kids got their report cards for this quarter. Good grades abound! Journey's getting a lot of proficients, which I'm very proud of. There are still a few "In Process" ones, but she's getting a lot of what she's learning, which is good to hear. I'm very proud of her! We'll be getting her IEP goals sheet back today, to tell us how she's doing on that as well. Ryan did perfectly, once more. He got straight A's again for this quarter as well! Hopefully they'll be holding another Honor Roll assembly and I can go and see him get another Principals Honor Roll ribbon for his good work. I'm so proud of him! |
| Hello again. Thought I'd drop by and write for a little while. I'm bored and I don't feel like reading, I feel like typing, so here I am. Journey and Ryan are doing good. Ryan's been getting a lot of 100%'s on his work lately, which is really good. It's bringing his grades up. Right now, he's carrying 4 A's and 1 B. I really wanted him to get his science grade up to an A so he could have the Principal's Honor Roll for this semester, but I suppose he could get regular Honor Roll. Either way, I'm very proud of him! I've been helping him study for his MSA's, explaining to him that he really needs to slow down, read the questions thoroughly, and work out the answer, and that he'll still have time to fill out all his questions. He tends to panic with the clock and thinks he has to rush through, but he ends up making a lot of mistakes that way, and it lowers his scores. So I'm working with him to make sure that he realizes he can still take the time to make sure things are right before he moves on without missing something. Journey's taking level tests in her kindergarten class to see where she sits for her math and reading skills. So far, she has a 3 out of 5 for her reading, but her teacher said she was going to continue with the testing on Monday to see if she could make it to a 5 because she was still reading things when they had to stop for time. I just ran through her sight word flash cards that we made this summer, and she knew all but three of them. She's doing really good. I'm very proud of her. I was mystery reader for her class on Friday. I brought a giant Skippyjon Jones book that I read for Ryan's kindergarten class to Journey's. The kids loved the story! I got to stay for the end of the day as well, when Journey packed up, got a prize from the prize box (she got a blue card on Friday! Way to go Journey!), and went out to go talk about her day with her special ed teacher. I brought up to her special ed teacher how Journey wanted her to come to her birthday party, and she said she would definitely attend, even though it's in August. She just adores her special ed teacher. I do too; she's wonderful! We went over to my friend Jenny's house for my (late) birthday on Thursday. I brought a cheesecake for everyone to eat, and Jenny made dinner for us that night. It's so good to have a friend like her. I honestly only have three friends in this whole area, so it's good that I get to spend time with her when I can. I'm hoping for another friends out date night with her, where we can go to dinner and catch a movie again. We did it last year, and we had a good time! I hope we can do it again this year! Instead of a movie though, maybe we'll go shopping instead. Had a wonderful birthday on Monday. Spent the day with Don and the kids, who had the day off because it was Martin Luther King Jr. day. I got to sleep in (which I say was my gift from the school! LOL), and then we went to Olive Garden for dinner, my favorite! I even got sent birthday cards from out of state! One from one of my best friends in Connecticut (the one that came out this last summer to stay with us), and one from one of my favorite people in the whole wide world! She lives in Alabama. It was very special to get cards from them. My best friend sent me a CD for my birthday (which, I know times are hard for her right now, so for her to send me anything at all, I appreciate immensely!), and my friend from Connecticut sent me a kindle cover for my kindle! I was a very spoiled girl for my birthday! Other than that, things are going well. Going in on Tuesdays to Journey's class. I adore working with the kids, they're so sweet and funny! Hope everyone else is doing well! |
It's snowing out today. As much as I despise snow, I think it's the only precipitation that should be going on in winter. No rain, no sleet, just snow. It's melting as soon as it hits the ground though. I hope that means the ground is warm, and not that it's going to turn into ice.  As of January 5th, Journey has officially been on her IEP for a year. I think it's done her a world of good. She now tells me things about her school day without me even looking at her progress report. I hope this keeps up. We're still working on the reading and math of her education, but the writing she has down quite well. She's quite the little writer too; she writes lists of words (how she thinks they're spelled anyway), and leaves them all around the house. I found one the other day talking about Sonic the Hedgehog and a boat. perhaps one day, WdC will be seeing Journey's writings! Her teacher says she's in the average for math and for reading, which calmed me down some. I was afraid she was really behind, and seeing as I'm letting the teachers take over the teaching (if she's not reading by herself by this summer, I'm going to teach her my own way to get her to learn correctly), I hope she stays in the average or picks up. There's something wrong with my meds. My mood stabilizer is anything but stabilizing. I've been a range of emotions for the past two months, and it's kind of upsetting. It's my personal belief that the tablets they switched me over to are not as effective as the old ones. I would ask for the old ones again, but they say they're not manufactured anymore. I was hoping I could switch to the name brand instead, and see if that works any better, but I'd still have to take the tablets that I already have and wait for my prescription to run out. I've scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist, hopefully she can get me on something stronger, so I won't be like this anymore. It's very upsetting to me. I don't like going through a range of emotions in a matter of hours. I don't miss that part of me. Other than that, everything's going normally around here. I'll be sure to come back when I have more update information. |
| So I was talking with a friend, who has a son that's a grade higher than Journey. We were talking about strengths and weaknesses of school subjects, when I came to realize, Journey is struggling in almost ALL school subjects. It broke me down, and I started crying. I wish this didn't have to be so hard for her. She still doesn't know how to read right now. Don was trying to read "Hop on Pop" with her last night, and she struggled mightily. He finally got flustered to the point where he just took over and read it to her instead. Journey struggles in math as well. She doesn't know if she's supposed to be counting up for adding or counting down for subtracting. She gets lost on the number line. The one thing she has improved on the most is her writing. She can write all her letters, she can spell phonetically, and she writes complete sentences. Maybe she'll be a writer, like her mom. But I feel for her. Today, I got to thinking of the "What Should Have Been"s. What if Journey was a normal 5 year old girl? Where would she be now? What if everything came as easy to her as it did to Ryan? But then I get to feeling terrible, because I'll never know what that Journey is like. I'll never see that Journey. I'll only ever know the one she is now, the one that struggles. The one that needs assistance. The one that's so sweet, it breaks your heart to be without her. Would she be as sweet and kind and caring if she was a normal 5 year old? She wouldn't even begin to know how to hurt someone's feelings, but it's so easy to hurt hers. Would that be different if she didn't have the delay? It broke my heart the other day when I went into her class one Tuesday. The speech therapist pulled Journey out of class to run an assessment on her. One of the little girls I was working with said "I'll never get called out of class like that for a test. I'm too smart for that". I didn't know what to say other than "It's not about how smart you are." I don't want them to think she's dumb. She's not dumb. She just struggles. She struggles to read, she struggles to do math, she struggles socially, she struggles verbally, but she's not dumb. I just wish she didn't have to go through all of this. It's not fair. She didn't do anything to deserve this. And then I get to thinking about how the developmental pediatrician said I could've caused it, and how it's my fault that I'm making her struggle through all this, and it kills me. I'm trying so hard to teach her how to read and do math. When I explain it to her, she seems to understand, but I don't teach it the way that her teachers do, so they're teaching her techniques that counteract the ones I'm teaching her, and this is part of the reason why she struggles. So I've decided to let the teachers do their thing and teach her, because I don't know how they're doing it, so I can't copy from them and continue that strategy here at home for her. But then the way I see her struggle just hurts my heart so bad. She was starting to understand when I teach her. At least, I thought she was. I feel like anything I'm trying to do either hinders her or sets her back, or confuses her. So what do I do? I just wish she didn't have to struggle. I pray she doesn't have to struggle the rest of her life. |
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