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 |   Originally efforts for the 30 Day Blogging Challenge in July... now just a blog |
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The 30 Day Blogging Challenge ..... lets see how far I get... Pretty far it seems! Winner (1st place) for the July 2013 "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Second place for the September 2014 "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" |
  As is obvious to my blog readers, I have been in lurking mode for sometime now. I am currently trying to awaken myself from a period of slightly selfish invisibility. When I say selfish, I donāt necessarily mean this in a negative way ā we all have to focus on our self at one time or another! Anyway, I felt it was time for me to, at least, try and return to my online life. Emotions are funny things. Mostly, we tend to think we feel only one thing or another at any one time: Sadness or happiness, anger or excitement. I, however, have been experiencing a wide range of emotions all at the same time. And, believe me when I say, this can be extremely overwhelming, tiring and stressful: Even more so when it is coupled with insomnia and physical pain. Thus, Iāve been trying to keep myself to myself. I think, in reality, I am doing reasonably well. Iāve not taken to my bed to lie around moping 24/7. Nor am I sat sobbing every time I feel overwhelmed. It would probably be easy to do so. However, there is very little point to this and it takes much more than this crap to break me down completely!  The thing is I am not miserable. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. Although if I donāt start sleeping properly soon, I might change my mind. Nope! No misery for me! You see, I like to equate happiness with gratefulness and the truth is, I have a hell of a lot to be grateful for!I have a great, flexible, well-paid job. I have a lovely house. I have an awesome best friend with whom I have become even closer to as together we both battle our own demons. And Chris, my husband, is being so incredibly wonderful that with him my side nothing is a problem.  Yes, Iām not going to lie, Iām angry too: Angry that Iām even having to explain this, angry that I am still in pain after eight months. Iām angry that this pain has made me lose my grip on my mental health ā especially after I worked so hard at getting that back on track a few years ago. Iām also angry that my oldest friend, who I supported for 18 years, gave up on me and moved away without saying goodbye. That was harsh!Nevertheless, there is little to no point in allowing anger to be the emotion to fuel your life ā unless you use it in a positive way, which is actually pretty tough to do. So, Iām trying to pry out this particular emotion and chuck it to the side. In my time away, Iāve gone through quite a few obsessions to try and focus my mind. It is in this area of my life that makes me consider if I have Bipolar. I definitely have the traits. However, this is taken from my own personal knowledge, rather than anything professional. So, I wonāt go into this too much. Indeed, I have always had plans and get obsessed with particular things then give up after a while. Unfortunately, this has not been writing lately. Shame! Instead, it has been painting, buying notebooks and magazines. Iām hoping that, one-day, I may be able to level things out and enjoy doing things in a more stable and less obsessive/full on way.  I have just bought a new camera, which Iāve wanted for a long time. I have also finally gotten round to teaching myself how to use Photoshop (can you tell?). I am really enjoying using both these things - the possibilities excite me. But, this time, I do not want to use them for two weeks and then give up!I have quite a few awesome ideas, which I definitely want to work to develop. Ideas are great; I have multitudes of them. However, they never go anywhere because I constantly give up. If I want more excitement, I need to keep going with things I enjoy. I love challenges. Therefore, to build up to my project ideas, I am considering setting myself a mini challengeā¦ to be confirmed! |
Hey hey homies! ( forgive me)I felt I ought to pop by, blog a bit and explain my absence as a hard core WDCer. There is A LOT I need to do around these part, so I wanted to tell people why it aināt been done! It is currently 3:35pm and I have been awake for 13 hours and counting. No, no you havenāt read wrong! I got up at 2:30am. Why would someone do something like that, I hear you ask. The answer is very simple: my body hates me and finds it completely hilarious when I get hardly any sleep.   Quick backstory: ā¢ Broke my foot in August (because I was desperate for a wee) ā¢ The hospital cast my foot in a dodgy position - pointing down ā so all I could get on the floor was my big toe. I firmly argued against this for obvious reasons AND because of surgery I had 10years ago. They ignored me. ā¢ 8 weeks later the cast came off and my foot was a big olā mess ā¢ Despite the fact I practically had to learn to walk again, the hospital Physio was a pile of shit. ā¢ I got myself walking (very short distances) again and the physio discharged me ā not that he did ANYTHING ā¢ A week later, my foot started to crack and hurt (I knew what it was but kept it pretty much to myself). ā¢ Went to see my Dr: āit's just tight and getting used to working againā ā¢ Started anti-depressants ā¢ It got worse ā¢ Went to see my Dr: āit's just tight and getting used to working againā¦ Iāll refer you to physioā ā¢ It got worse ā¢ Went to see my Dr: āhereās some tramadolā ā¢ Worse ā¢ Went to see my Dr to say I wanted him to refer me to the guy who did my surgery and tramadol wasnāt working. āYes, Iāll do that ā I think youāre right and there is tendon damage. Try paracetamol with the tramadolā ā¢ Upped the dose of my anti-depressants ā¢ Received a referral letter from the āClinical Assessment teamā NOT the guy I wanted to see. Fine. Whatever *waits* ā¢ Gets worse ā¢ I called the Dr to say tramadol definitely wasnāt working That took us up to last Thursday. The tramadol was thrown out of the window and replaced with slow release morphine. I started the morphine on Friday night and was hopeful that it might work. I slept loads (finally) at the weekend and felt pretty much ok (not that I left the couch). On Monday, the morphine stops working (my body gets used to drugs VERY quickly). Not only that, but I seem to have develops more pain in my foot, which has come from nowhere! Interesting! Tuesday morning, I woke up at 3:30am and realised I was pretty much back to normal (AKA not normal). So, I called the āClinical Assessment teamā to see where we were up to with my referralā¦ nowhere. āerr why?ā ā¦ Because Iāve been referred as a non-urgent case!! REALLY? Sooo lets see: ā¢ Ignored by Drs ā¢ Been told Iām wrong by Drs ā¢ Ignored by Drs ā¢ In constant pain, which, apparently, bloody morphine doesnāt help ā¢ Canāt sleep ā¢ Canāt walk ā¢ Driving causes extreme pain. Therefore, so does my job. ā¢ Oh, and Iām pretty sure it is the hospitalās fault anyway Non-urgent ā¦ silly billies!Annnnyway, Chris got SO angry (  eek moment) and called the surgeon guyās private office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. All we can really afford to do privately is a consultation and maybe a scan. But at least I might get answers and find out what course of action might be waiting for me round the corner ā I think I already know, but Iām trying not to dwell on it too much!So, I havenāt been around much because I am in pain, annoyed, upset and really really really tired! Sleep please? Generally, Iāve been pretty upbeat and I didnāt mean for this post to turn into a big olā moaning session. However, I think it has got on top of me a little this week. So, thanks for reading, itās been good to get it all out. I do have a lot to doā¦ I think the current "Merit Badge Projects" round is due to close about now. Iām considering a monthās hiatus for MBP.Itās 18th March and I STILL havenāt updated "CLOSED!The Monthly Reading Challenge" - I am loathed to put this on hiatus but it is a possibilityI need to judge "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" - thisāll be fiiiiineAnd other bits, bobs, odds and ends. If youāre waiting for me to do anything, you have my permission to wave it under my nose to remind me. BUT, Iām afraid I cannot guarantee that I will get anything done in the very near future. So, Fran is temporally down..... but NEVER out!  Love you guys |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-eight I watched a programme, about two weeks ago, about people living on benefits in Britain. I think it was a series and this episode was focusing on a particular town/area in the East of England: Jaywick. Now, despite Jaywick being only an hour and a half away from me, Iād never heard of it in my life. Iām not going to lie; I was utterly gobsmacked and could not believe this was a place in England. It looked worse than some of the third world places I have been   I actually felt angry that it was such a neglected area and that it didnāt seem like anyone cared enough to do anything. Having said that, the people that lived there said they loved it and didnāt want to leave. When I went online to work out where exactly Jaywick was, I discovered that it was actually on the original London 2012 Olympic Torch relay route. However, officials that visited places on the relay route were disgusted with the place so took it off the route. You know, because they only wanted to showcase places that portrayed the ārealā Britain! So, there were no chariots of fire for Jaywick back in 2012. Chariots of Fire (Torch Relay Theme) - Vangelis [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-seven In 2002, I went to the World Championships. I think Iād just turned 17 ā I was annoyed because I couldnāt āofficiallyā drink at the after party. Gutted. There was this new lad that had come from no where to qualify for the team. He was a S10 (very miminal impairment) and was a sure thing for a good clutch of medals. Sometimes people are called for classification just before competition starts to check youāre in the right class (mostly new swimmers). This lad was called in and, dispite him only having two fingers on one hand, the classifers judged him as too able to even be a S10 so he was āclassed outā ā not eligible to swim. A country has 2 hours to appeal a classification judgement. But, for some reason, no one did! I felt so sorry for the guy. He was 15 (I think) and now stuck in Argentina for two weeks, with swimmers, unable to do anything other than watch everyone racing and winning medals. He ended up making a great cheerleader though. We had CD players in our hotel rooms and, I remember, every time I walked past, or popped into, his room, this track was playing. So, it forever reminds me of him and Argentina, 2002. Christina Aguilera - Dirrty ft. Redman [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-seven In 2002, I went to the World Championships. I think Iād just turned 17 ā I was annoyed because I couldnāt āofficiallyā drink at the after party. Gutted. There was this new lad that had come from no where to qualify for the team. He was a S10 (very miminal impairment) and was a sure thing for a good clutch of medals. Sometimes people are called for classification just before competition starts to check youāre in the right class (mostly new swimmers). This lad was called in and, dispite him only having two fingers on one hand, the classifers judged him as too able to even be a S10 so he was āclassed outā ā not eligible to swim. A country has 2 hours to appeal a classification judgement. But, for some reason, no one did! I felt so sorry for the guy. He was 15 (I think) and now stuck in Argentina for two weeks, with swimmers, unable to do anything other than watch everyone racing and winning medals. He ended up making a great cheerleader though. We had CD players in our hotel rooms and, I remember, every time I walked past, or popped into, his room, this track was playing. So, it forever reminds me of him and Argentina, 2002. Christina Aguilera - Dirrty ft. Redman [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-six I used to think my mum was quite hard on me and got disappointed with me when I didnāt do very well at things. Therefore, whenever I used to hear this track, I related it to my mum. However, very recently, I realised this song had nothing to do with my mum. Yes, she was very supportive and wanted me to do well in everything. But, if I didnāt, she wasnāt disappointed WITH me; she was disappointed FOR me. Rather, it has occurred to me that this track is all about me! Namely, the pressure I put on myself. I do not need pressure from any other source; itās already there, in my head! Worrying, huh? Alanis Morissette - Perfect [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-five Iāve always loved The Proclaimers. My father used to listen to them when I was young. Then when I was older, I got obsessed with 500 Miles ā it was one of the songs I would stop everything for just to dance around and sing to like a loon. They came and played in Cambridge years ago: Obviously I went along. It was at a pretty small venue, so it was quite intimate but lots of fun. After the gig (somehow) we got talking to them. They were so friendly and chatty. Everyone else was long gone by the time weād said goodbye and left. I found out they were playing where my best friend lived ā she was very jealous that Iād gone to see them without her. They told me it wasnāt sold out and if I called the box office and said I knew them that Iād get cheaper tickets. Unfortunately, the box office was shut the next day so I never got tickets for my friend! Boo ā¦ oh well, I got to meet The Proclaimers. That said, I was highly disappointed that they didnāt play at the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games Closing Ceremony. The Proclaimers ā 500 Miles [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-four My old social life was not all about rock, though. I would also go to gay nights at local clubs or go to my friendās university bars and dance to cheesy music all night long. As you have probably already figured out, I have quite an obsessive personality. That goes for music, too. I go through favourite songs/albums that Iāll play to death then move on to something else. My best friend and I would do this with dancing music. Weād hear a song, fall in love with it and whenever it came on weād stop everything just to make sure we got a dance in. For some reason, track 24 was our favourite dancing song for a very long time ā probably too long, listening to it now. Justin Timberlake ā Sexy Back ft. Timbaland [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-three I used to have a pretty busy social life, back in the day. I think some weeks I went out for drinks four or five times. Not anymore though ā I rarely drink and if I do itās no more than twice a month and usually in the comfort of my own home (or someone elseās). Looking back, I must have spent an absolute fortune on going out: I got taxis everywhere and Cambridge is not exactly cheap. One of my favourite things to do was go and see live music in a pub, I did this nearly every weekend. Sometimes I did it on Friday and Saturday nights. My favourite pub for this was called The Rock ā aptly named, huh? Or,, at least it was, until they turned it into a bloody upmarket wine bar! Whyyyy? Anyway, most of the live music I saw was rock. Therefore, track 23 simply reminds me of all the great nights I had at The Rock, listening to rock. Thin Lizzy - Whiskey in the Jar [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Soundtrack to My Life ā Track twenty-two I went to school with two brothers with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 2 (SMA). I always felt for their parents. It is tough enough having kids anyway, let alone two very disabled kids who needed pretty much 24 hour care.The two guys, M and P, were very different. M was bigger, clever and very hard to crack. P was tiny (he had a lot more problems than M), cheeky and a mummyās boy. I could talk about both of them for pages and pages. In fact, I went out with both of them (at very different points in my life. But Iāll try not to go on for too long. Everyone thought M would be really successful and P would stay at home and be looked after. Unfortunately, it didnāt quite work out like that. M got a job but was made redundant a few years later and that was it; he stopped trying. He stayed at home all day every day. He went to his PC when he got up and stayed there until bed time: that was life. A few years ago, I helped him get his care sorted. So he is a bit more active. But he still lives with his parents and doesnāt use his impressive brain. P surprised us all by deciding to go off to uni ā we never thought heād do anything of the sort. But he did, and he absolutely loved it. He made tons of friends, partied hard, drank plenty and studied well. The photos made me smile. Unfortunately, mid-way through his second year at Uni, P died. He was no stranger to illness and hospitals. But heād been so well for the longest time and I remember being pissed off that he hadnāt been given the chance to finish his degree. Pās wasnāt the first funeral of a friend Iād been to. But is sticks out the most. He was a massive Liverpool FC supporter. So when they played the music to carry him out by, I rolled my eyes, chuckled then probably cried. Now this song reminds me of the most annoying yet kindest (when he felt like it) person I knewā¦ Gerry & The Pacemakers - You'll Never Walk Alone [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
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