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Self reflection of someone struggling with thoughts. |
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Some time back, I came to a realization. My writing really sucks. I was gone from this place for a really long time because of this fact. However, I miss the cathartic power of writing. I thought a long time about a blog, but then remembered that there is no better place than here for this sort of thing, and beyond a blog, maybe I could force some crappy writing of static pieces from time to time. I'm counting on anonymity here. I used to be a little bit different person, sharing more of myself than I would have liked to the whole world. However, maybe this will be a little more censored version,though it's hard for the exercise to be cathartic if it does not contain enough of my personal thoughts. So, I'm praying "anonymous" is a word that still rings true here. |
| So often a symptom of depression is that some of the smallest of things seems enormous. Particularly, when it comes to getting things done. There are some of the most stupid of little things I can't seems to get done. It is incredibly frustrating. I have no idea why such little things can seem so difficult. I need to write out the costs on the inventory I took almost two months ago. I've been putting it off that long. Granted, it can be a little bit time consuming, but it isn't difficult. In fact, there are many I know off the top of my head, if not at least a ball park idea of what they are that is close enough complete a financial statement that doesn't have to be thorough. It isn't going to the IRS or anything. I guess I'm old school. My paperwork is done on actual paper. All of it. I do all of my bookkeeping by hand. It would be helpful to do a lot of it by computer, but to get to that point would mean finding someone I could hire for a few weeks of tedious work to input all the data. That gets really expensive at a time when I badly need the money. I am also distrustful of point of sale systems that take instant account of sales at the counter. I much prefer to have hand written invoices where I can see who's hand writing is on them and see notes that just can't be written the same way on a computer. In any case, it seems like I end up sitting here pretending to work while I am doing absolutely nothing of value rather than do a few simple things that I need to get done. It's a little bit ridiculous. I have even had a couple of my employees ask about it out of curiosity. "Did that inventory turn out like you hoped it would?" I have to answer sheepishly, "I haven't finished it yet." Of course, it isn't the only thing, but it is the things that is most pressing. |
| I am so pleased to have finally gotten myself to write something this morning. The act of writing it reminded me of what I need to hold most important. |
| Every time I hear of someone taking his or her own life, I feel as though I have lost another of "my people". I am also reminded that it very easily could have been me. The loss of a life such as Robin Williams is a good reminder that clinical depression isn't about what you have going on in your life (at least not in full). It has more to do with what is going on in your physical brain. The chemicals being released. It is a true physical illness, and is not something the mind brings about through bad thinking. I really do not know what was going on in Robin Williams' life. I don't follow gossip. I suspect his life was much more good than bad, and that he was battling these chemical reactions in his head that were, without help, beyond his control. The sort of depression that is based upon temporary struggles in life typically does not last several years. Like nearly everyone, I was an enormous admirer of his talents, and he actually did have as much of an impact on my life as any actor and entertainer can. I am grateful that, in my memory at least, this is really the first time I have heard a suicide being reported by the media in such a manner as to seemingly understand what depression really is. In the past, there would always be such headlines as "Why Would a Man with So Much Going for him Take His Own Life?" Now, there seems to be some sort of understanding that it isn't about that. Thank God people are finally getting it. Depression is a daily battle, and for me, it does not ever go away. Not completely. I also thank God that had I not sought gel;p about a decade ago, I would not be alive. Medication has brought me to a point from daydreaming of my own death and really longing for it all day every day, to a point of only having such thoughts sometimes in passing and maybe dwelling on it a couple of times a week (or perhaps on a more difficult week maybe not more than once a day). I can now live my life. I wish the same for Robin Williams and everyone else in the same boat. I wish the same for all of "my people". Everyone experiences depression to one degree or another. There is a general idea amongst everyone what depression feels like. In that regard, it is one mental illness that allows other people to identify. People with other sorts of mental illnesses aren;t always so lucky. It's the issue of not being able to ever shake it that separates it from the typical experience. If you know someone who seems to have chronic depression, the best you can do for them is 1) be there, understanding there is nothing you can say to take the depression away, and 2) encourage them to seek professional help. |
| For anyone who happens upon this little journal, I am sorry. I know it isn't pleasant reading. Nobody wants to read a bunch of whining. So sorry, but this is my place to whine. I do write in such a way as if I am writing to someone, while not expecting anyone to actually read. I write in the voice of writing to another in order to feel as thought I am speaking to someone helping me through it. Thats said, if you do, fort some odd reason, read through this journal, you are more than welcome. I do not mind anyone reading. It does add to the feeling that I am writing to someone who is listening. This is already a challenging week. This is one of those weeks I haven't had for a couple of years at work. It's one of those weeks where it feels like everyone who has some issue with me has called everyone else who has an issue, and they have all conspired to make this one of the most difficult weeks of my life. It's like a coordinated attack. I'm speaking of my work life, though it would not surprise me if the same began to happen in my personal life as well. For two years I have had a predictable and consistent amount of business every month, and there were many indications to anticipate that business would even grow a little. I have to place orders for goods that will typically arrive anywhere from two months to four months out, and I don't often know really when to expect it within that time frame, despite what the factories tell me. So, I placed orders anticipating a growth in business, when instead it fell off considerably. This caused a domino effect of not being able to pay for these goods right away, as well as taking an on track plan of finally getting caught up on taxes off track. It's a temporary situation, but it's like hell until it's resolved. And, it will probably be about six weeks getting caught up with new orders still coming in, and business still not quite picking up to the levels it has been running for two years. Then, I also get concerned because my wife and I have been planning a house for several months that we are getting ready to build. It's a lot to take on, with a lot of worry. Such is the life of a retailer. The largest portion of my family are retailers, and I know this isn't remotely anything new. yet, that knowledge doesn't seem to help much. I am supposed to be practicing my guitar for my lessons tomorrow. I have a sever timing issue. I can't seem to play in time no matter how hard I try. However, I just can't get myself to practice anything that emphasizes my failures right now. |
| We recently discovered that my wife has a wheat allergy. She has been researching wheat and a wheat free diet. During her reading she came across what she said were some studies that suggest modern wheat may be a contributing factor to depression and anxiety. Supposedly wheat has changed over the past two decades and is not good for the human body, causing all sorts of issues, including psychological. I am inclined to at least give this thinking a chance, but giving up wheat is another issue altogether. I really do not think I am capable of it. Wheat is a part of literally every meal I eat. It's in everything. I know there are a lot of people with wheat allergies and celiac disease that have to go through this, but I just don't think I can do it. To imagine a time when my symptoms could really improve as something I find highly attractive. I just really have to muster up the courage, and I am not there yet. |
| After a week of vacation, I del recharged. Hiking, fly fishing, camping, white water rafting. It was a great time! The best part was the cool weather. I so hate summer. Now, back to reality. 102 degrees the next couple of days. All the work that piled up while I was gone. Stressful day the first day back with chaos ensuing. At least I had a chance to get recharged first. |
| Here I thought I was doing my best to fly under the radar, and I found out last night I had been changed to yellow. It isn't at all that I don't desire this, but rather that I have different goals this time around on this site from when I was participatory before. I am honored to have it, just surprised by it. I felt like I was somehow half-way in hiding. When I was here before, it was because I thought of myself as a potential professional author. I thought my writing was far better than it is. I was seeking out praise, attention, help, and advice in achieving professional authorhood. I am not interested in that this time around. I discovered for myself a few years ago that I simply am not a good author, and really I don't have the desire to be such anymore. No, now my goal is more one of therapy. I am writing here to provide myself an additional creative outlet to deal with my depression and anxiety. I have a couple of other outlets, but more doesn't hurt. I also figured while I am here, I wouldn't mind reviewing some items while I'm at it. I don't have the time to critique and review longer items, but really short ones are enjoyable. Where before, I was more selfish in seeking out reviews for myself, I now don't feel much need to seek my own reviews. I may not be reviewing every day, but certainly far more than I did before. I am not a well person, mentally speaking. And, I suppose that spills over into the physical as well. Depression is proven to create physical symptoms, and I experience those as well. I will continue as I have, writing for therapy, and reviewing for pleasure. I'm not an avid reader. Never have been, which is a real handicap in writing. So, I will continue pretty much only reading the very short items. Probably seems pompous and annoying to authors here, but it's the only way I enjoy this site. |
| Things have gotten a bit better through the weekend. They always do get a little bit better with some patience. So far from being gone, but in a more livable state. I am excited that electricity is being wired into my own private sanctuary this morning. A small portable office on 10 acres of land, secluded from everything, or at least secluded from my normal life. I can paint there. I'm an awful, terrible painter, but I find it very relaxing and therapeutic. This week end brings with it the 4th of July celebrations with the annual family reunion with cousins that I love to get to see. it also means putting on a happy face and pretending I am doing great, which I will do. I can't stand the though of the people I love asking "What's wrong" when my answer might have to be "well, guess what? I'm crazy." I only get to see them twice a year for the most part, so I'll make the most of it. |
| It's gotten longer and longer between posts here. Maybe I'm losing interest. Maybe it's not as cathartic. I don't know. It may also be that I will regain interest soon. In any case, what I do know is that today is a particularly bad day. I was nearly crying on the way to work this morning, and I really don't know why. I mean I do in a way. There's plenty going on to be stressed about, at least financially. But, nothing I haven't been through before. Today is just different, and it sucks. I really just don't feel any sense of self worth, fighting those awful voices in my head pointing out all of my flaws. Fighting the thoughts that always come with depression that I dare not mention for fear of dwelling on them, because they always end with my own demise. Yes, today just really sucks. I'll hang on though. If I can just hang on long enough, things usually change. |
| I suppose it's been a while since I've written anything in this journal. I thought about writing about more deeply productive things I should work out in my head, but I really just don't want to right now. I am excited that I am getting a nice little quiet place to hide from the world in the morning. I am having a shipping container delivered in the morning. It has been converted to have a small office in one end and storage in the other. The office has lights, power, air conditioning, and even a phone line (should I decide to use it). It is being delivered to a place in the country where it will be surrounded by ten empty acres where no one will bother me. The only problem with this place is the ticks. My wife has been bitten by several ticks there on two separate occasions, and on two separate occasions she has gotten Rocky Mountain spotted fever. This is a scary thing, because she is allergic to the one and only medication they use to treat it. Each time she takes this medication, she has to suffer through the allergic reactions and hope for the best. The pharmacist from whom I obtained this medication was very concerned and said that each time she takes it, her reactions will get worse and could be very life threatening. So, I have to find a way to get rid of these ticks. They haven't bitten me yet. I guess I must taste terribly bad. |
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