#868207 added December 9, 2015 at 9:05am Restrictions: None
Rewrite or leave for dead
I reread this today and asked myself why am I labeling them snowflakes? Description should be enough to give the reader a sense of what they're seeing without being told what it is. So I want to go do a rewrite and see if I can work with this more to give more character to the snowflakes without saying what they are.
Although, the first line becomes sort of a throwaway. Have to seriously consider how I'm going to approach this without totally ripping apart the poem.
Ride To School...A Poetic Moment
Snowflakes from yesterday's flurries flock,
skitter; vivacious, wild troops reforming,
disbanding, rejoining
in flowing concentric patterns away from me,
faster than I dare drive, visor down,
with the milky, orange lamp glaring,
daring me, dimmed and sliced into spotty, pulsing rays
by disrobed, unruly masts.
As I navigate the obstacles to my visual delight,
my co-pilot pleads not make a poem of this moment
on his ride to school.
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