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I'm starting to see your name everywhere I go *^*Bigsmile*^*. Thank you so very much for all you do around WDC! It is people like you, who make WDC such the awesome place we call our second home *^*Heart*^*
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I wanted to give you a badge you didn't have yet, and this cheerleading badge suits you. You are such an encouragement to many members of this site, including me, and I wouldn't know what Writing.Com would do without you. *^*Smile*^* You're a gem, Barbs. Thank you for your friendship and everything that you do. Love, Me *^*Smile*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Cheerleading-210.gif) Thanks to pencilsoverpens  for the MB![Merit Badge in Funny
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I've never laughed more, thanks Barbs](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Funny-200.gif) Thanks Wolfdale  for the MBThanks to pencilsoverpens  for the awardicon for this blogThanks to Equilibrium for the pretty green ribbon she pinned on my poetry folder. Thanks to Alfred Booth for the Awardicon for Happy Book and for my wonderful, vibrant sig. |
| This is an email that I received from my sister this morning. I'm posting it here to dispel the rumors that I am dead. Enjoy!!!!!! These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. (1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig." (2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.' (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed." (4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." (11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better." (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." (13) "A gross ignoramus? 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." (17) "He's been working with glue too much." (18) "He would argue with a signpost." (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him." (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, .... he's the other one." (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection." (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans." (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg." (32) "One neuron short of a synapse." (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled." (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." |
| Yet another time waster: http://www.autodesk.com/eng/etc/fake_or_foto/quiz.html |
| Something to waste your time on. . . http://www.mis-group.com/funny/drunk/help_the_drunk_get_home-Original.htm |
| WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE, BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO! On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work. It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along. CAKE INGREDIENTS: 1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix 1 box of white cake mix 1 package white sandwich cookies 1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix A few drops green food coloring 12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS" 1 NEW cat-litter box 1 NEW cat-litter box liner 1 NEW pooper scooper 1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside. 2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture. 3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shapethe blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top. 4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy! |
| Birth Date Test Your birth date describes who you are, what you are good at and what your inborn abilities are. It also points to what you have to learn and the challenges you are facing. To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth Date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight. Example: March 20, 1950 3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973 1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20 2 + 0 = 2 Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 1 THE ORIGINATOR 2 THE PEACEMAKER 3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY 4 THE CONSERVATIVE 5 THE NONCONFORMIST 6 THE ROMANTIC 7 THE INTELLECTUAL 8 THE BIG SHOT 9 THE PERFORMER 1 - THE ORIGINATOR... 1 's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded. Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch. 2 - THE PEACEMAKER... 2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off. Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus, Mozart. 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY... 3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view. Famous 3's: Alan Alda, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster. 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE... 4'S are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. they are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves. Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey. 5-THE NONCONFORMIST... 5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions. Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail. .6 - THE ROMANTIC... 6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot. Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Steep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn. 7 - THE INTELLECTUAL... 7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what is not in the world at large. Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana. 8 - THE BIG SHOT... 8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want. Famous 8's: Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus, and Ron Connolly. 9 - THE PERFORMER... 9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation. Famous 9's: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley. |
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .... been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Ginger. AND THE BEST ONE: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything |
| I'm still here but I'm completely bogged down writing a column and other feature articles for our local paper. The time writing is considerable but before I get to that point, there is a book to read and review, an author or other subject to interview, calls to verify information, road trips to check out a topic, future articles to plan, etc. It's never ending. I like it but I feel guilty that I haven't been on WDC more that a minute or two here or there. Thanks for missing me. It feels nice. Barbs |
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems: (the last one is everyone's favorite) 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? |
| There have been a couple of generations in the last 60 years that have missed the boat, but this group isn't one of them. A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom with the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, six-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses..........until they stop running. 2. Strike while the..........bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before..........daylight saving time. 4. Never underestimate the power of..........termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but..........how? 6. Don't bite the hand that..........looks dirty. 7. No news is..........impossible. 8 A miss is as good as a..........Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new..........math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust..........me. 12. The pen is mightier than the..........pigs. 13. An idle mind is..........the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke, there's..........pollution. 15. Happy the bride who..........gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is..........not much. 17. Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off until tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..........you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as..........Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind,..........get out of the way. And the WINNER and last one! 25. Better late than..........pregnant. |
Alden Carter is a working author who lives in Marshfield Wisconsin. He has numerous books in print. I took the following from his website and am sharing it here. . .for whatever it's worth. SOME ADVICE ABOUT PUBLISHING (mostly boring stuff for adults) 1. Learn as much about the markets as early as possible. Some forms of fiction are extremely difficult to sell. I have plots that I would like to explore but that simply don't seem viable in the marketplace. There are a number of books on getting published. Probably 75% of them are garbage, but you'll learn a lot from the other 25%. One that is well-regarded is HOW TO GET HAPPILY PUBLISHED. 2. Learn the rules of the various genres. It seems that I am constantly running into people who want to write children's books featuring little animals talking in verse. I have yet to run into one of these people who has taken the time to do word and page counts on current children's books; to learn anything much about the techniques of poetry (or the current unpopularity of the form in children's lit.); or to figure out that cutesiness is the kiss of death in this business. So, they are doomed before they start. There are also genre rules for romances, westerns, gothics, science fiction, and even YA stuff. There is an entertaining book on the subject by Dean R. Koontz with a title something like WRITING SCIENCE FICTION AND OTHER GENRE FICTION. And, once you know the rules, you can know when to break them. 3. Poetry is great, but it doesn't pay well. I'm not saying don't write it, but keep the day job. 4. Unfortunately, short fiction rarely pays well. Today's paying magazine market is so small and the competition so tough that it is easier to get a book published. There is a slowly growing market in books of short stories, but novels are still much easier to sell. 5. Some people are prolific enough they can make a living writing nonfiction magazine pieces, but you need to sell a lot to make it pay. The nonfiction market in books is good, and some people are making a real killing. The children's and YA nonfiction markets don't pay very well, but it is a good genre to get a career started. By the way, about 75% of the YA nonfiction is contracted for by the publisher. If you can get on an editor's list, she'll keep you busy. (Most YA editors are female.) 6. Once you've decided what you want to write (if you haven't started out sure of that), WRITE. Set aside time to write even if it's only a few minutes a day. I have never heard of anyone making it as a professional without working a regular schedule. Keep to your schedule even when you don't feel like writing. Be careful not to talk your ideas to death. The less time you spend talking about them and the more time writing, the better off you'll be. Likewise, don't show your work to ANYBODY, spouse included, until you're really ready. And, of course, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. It's a drag, but very little is very good in first draft. A dozen times is none too few. 7. The internet can do many things but good reference books are still important. Some of the ones I use: The Chicago Manual of Style. This is the ultimate style book. If you need to know how to footnote in Icelandic, check Chicago. Words into Type. Good advice on style. Excellent on the mechanics of publishing. AP Stylebook. A good, quick reference to journalistic style. Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary. (I believe the TENTH is now out.) That dictionary you used back in college? It's dated. Badly. The Careful Writer by Theodore M. Bernstein. There are many good handbooks, this is one of the best. Roget's Thesaurus. Somehow the electronic ones still don't quite make it. The Writer's Market. The Bible for the freelancer: contains market information, lists of agents, awards etc., and many good articles on submission, query letters etc. This is an expensive book. Unless you're doing a lot of magazine articles, use the library's copy. This year's edition will be on reserve, but last year's may well be in the stacks. Look for older editions in the library's annual book sale. The LMP (The Literary Marketplace). This is the publishing industry's guide. There are many long lists of editors, agents, imprints etc. Use it in conjunction with The Writer's Market as needed. (No need to buy it.) Modern English Usage. This famous book will untangle your stickiest questions about usage., Oxford Dictionary of Quotations and Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. I own both and use both. If I were to own one, I'd choose the first. Reader's Encyclopedia. A good, quick reference to literature. The Columbia Encyclopedia. Short accurate articles on just about everything. Compact Oxford English Dictionary. The O.E.D. is the ultimate authority on word meanings and origins. The compact edition, complete with magnifying glass, comes in two thick volumes. It is often offered as a bonus for joining Book of the Month Club or the like. The Ultimate Visual Dictionary. Want to know what that thingamajig is really called? Check here. This is the best of the three visual dictionaries I own, but all are useful. Partridge's Dictionary of Slang. I'm not very fond of this. It's extensive but heavily British in outlook. I'm looking for a better slang dictionary. The Timetables of History. An outline of history with handy cross-referencing of developments in various fields. Times Concise Atlas of World History. One of the best historical atlases. Hammond's World Atlas. I need a new one. Where are some of these countries ending with -stan anyway? 8. The quickest way to become a professional is to act like one. The books on getting published will tip you off on some of the amateur mistakes. For example, never send a piece to Fiction Editor. Send it to a person. The name will be in THE WRITER'S MARKET or THE LMP. Example two: don't tell them how much they should like your piece; they're not interested in your opinion but in your work. Do anything you can to show that you are a professional, intent on being a professional, or at least know the rules of the game. 9. Submission format is not difficult: double space with one inch margins all around; use a heading (name of the piece/your name/Page - #) in upper right hand corner of each page; start the first page of the piece or chapter halfway down (this is to give the editor a space to make notes). Include a stamped return envelope until you are really established. 10. Don't bother copyrighting your material before submitting it. All you need is a dated copy. Chances are almost non-existent that anyone will steal your work. By in large, publishing is an honest if exasperating business. 11. Rejection kills most writers in the ol' proverbial bud. One or two rejection slips and they toss the pieces and their ambitions aside. Rule 1: Never worry about the quality of a piece until it's been rejected at least ten times. (There are just too many reasons for a rejection other than quality.) Rule 2: Never let a rejected piece spend the night in the house; get it out again. Rule 3: Remind yourself as often as necessary that if the jerks can't recognize brilliance, that's their problem. Rule 4: Always be working on another piece. The more you have in the mail, the less the individual rejection hurts. I used to keep a dozen queries, grant requests, sample chapters, or completed pieces in the mail at all times. That way there was always hope, even in the years I was building a huge collection of rejection slips. Even now, I usually have at least a half dozen things out at any one time. 12. Agents. Most won't take you unless you're published, which seems rather a Catch 22. But give one a try if you feel that you have a large part of a marketable book. (Very few handle articles, poetry, or stories, and then only for the big names.) The worst he or she can say is no. Then try another or try to sell the book yourself. Just don't give up. 13. Don't pay reading fees. Ever. 14. Children's picture books are deceptively simple in appearance, but they have some strict rules. There are a number of good books on the subject. I would suggest that you visit a first-class library for a look at the books available. Perhaps even better, visit or write the Children's Cooperative Book Center at the University of Wisconsin--Madison (600 N. Park St., Madison, WI 53706) or one of the other children's book centers around the nation. 15. Unless you are a professional illustrator, do not send the MS. with illustrations. Do not arrange for a friend to illustrate it either. Publishers will almost always reject collaborative efforts. The editor will line up the illustrator. 16. Consider joining a writers' group or organization. The local ones are handy for manuscript criticism and mutual support. Just don't get hung up on the organization and forget that your focus is on becoming a writer. By its nature writing is a largely solitary profession. Join the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI). It is fairly expensive but I recommend it highly for the newsletter and workshops. Address: SCBWI, 8271 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90048. 17. You can learn a lot at a workshops or in a class. However, as with writers' groups, don't let attendance at workshops become a substitute for writing. 18. No matter how you do it, keep faith. If you keep working at it, eventually you'll make it. (Now and then, glance at the garbage on the paperback rack. It helps to remember that some real idiots get published.) Greatest good luck, Al Carter |
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Thanks for these Barbs, we really miss you around here! Update us on everything some time alright! 