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Don't judge a book by its cover... This isn't about tube anemones.
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS SQUIRT THE JUICE INTO THE EYES OF YOUR ENEMIES... |
| Means exactly what it says. Erik Hill, this means you. I miss you tremendously, and I can't stop thinking about you. Does this sound as gay as I think it does? Sheesh. He was a good friend, and I never said goodbye... Chris Hines, I miss you as well. I hope so much that your cancer is gone and you are alive. I will never be the same. Thanks a lot. Does that sound sarcastic, because it's not supposed to. April Curtis/Smith, I think and dream about you constantly. I worry that you have done something bad to your self, when you were always the best and smartest of all of us. You were the only one who would never ditch class, not even for a moment. You had such lofty dreams. Did they dissolve into smoke? We never should have grown up... Jason Barnes, RIP, it has been exactly 14 years since you were murdered. I miss you, but I also have to wonder, what would you have become? You were too good for us, anyway. You would've goon into the army or something. Ana wouldn't be working at Wendy's right now. I saw her the other day, and I quickly turned my head so she wouldn't recognize me. I can't bear to speak to her. Johanna Briscoe, you are surely either dead or in the mental hospital now. There is no other way. I'm going with dead. It's a terrible shame. You were a brilliant artist. I'm going to go eat some ice cream now and be sad, and continue to hope that I can find Erik. He consumes me... Flies and Honey, my friends. |
| Hang on, I have to get drunk or something... All right. That's better. I just came across something in my wanderings through my notebooks, and when I read it, it was one of those AHA! moments. Thank God that He gives me the frame of mind to write stuff down when I'm feeling bad, so that I can look back and remember that life doesn't end just because I want it to. Check it out. I think I figured out what the craziness is that I've been feeling lately. You wake up one day and realize that the only thing you could realistically hope for yourself will never happen. You're not a terrible person, you try your best to deny yourself and be what God wants, to do what you were meant to do. You don't litter, and you don't lie, and no matter how badly that part of you wants to, you don't murder anyone. I forgot where I was going with this, but anyway, why don't you deserve to hold your dream? Not the big complicated one, but the small simple one. The thing that should be easiest, your only truly selfish hearts desire, to wake up next to the man you love every morning. How easy is that? I feel like I've been avoiding him so I don't have to deal with what feels like blatant rejection. I left feeling bitterly cold and lonely. I had forgotten that I make him itch... I'd forgotten how fucking sad I am. If I can't ever realize something so simple, so seemingly easy to accomplish, then how can I ever realize anything more complicated and unrealistic? Is this all that there can ever be? Will I wander through the rest of my life like I am now, a pointless zombie, staring but unseeing? What the hell will I be after twenty more years of that?! I've always gone after what I wanted, no matter the cost, and I almost always aquire that goal, but what if there is no more to me? What if there is no more ambition, or drive? What if this never ends?! I've always been kind of worried that I'd be the one to end up in a state hospital, strapped to a bed and blinking stupidly at the ceiling, but in the past few years it's become a real concern. I don't fear going crazy, I fear that I'm already there. When other people talk to me in a normal conversation, or tell me how they feel, either mentally or physically, I'm always shocked. I always think it's normal to be like me, having weird hallucinations, terrible nightmares, and dark thoughts. I keep forgetting that it's not. I never liked who I was, when I was young. I was a fucked up, shitty person, and no one else liked me either, but at least I felt solid, and stable. I remember thinking how fucked up things were and how bad I felt just being alive, and I kind of laugh at that now. I know I was just a kid. It's hard to be a kid. We forget that as we age. That's where it ended, and after that was a chapter of my novel that I forgot about. It's quite good, in my own opinion. Anyway, isn't that just the stupidest little bit of crap you ever came across in your life? It wasn't that long ago that I wrote it, perhaps only a year or so ago. I hate Charles for making me feel that way. Movie reviews now that I feel all melancholy? Okay, though they will be brief and slightly less detailed than usual, due to my inebriated state. Oh, by the way, 4 geckos loose in one house= hilariousness!!!!!! Wanted  Though this movie contains Angelina Jolie, whom I admit I hate, it wasn't a bad movie. I wasn't excited about the characters, and I didn't think the leading man was attractive at all, but that might have been a plot device, since he was just supposed to be this Joe Schmoe. I liked the story, especially the weird thing about reading the names in the cloth. Pretty cool. It was jam packed with action, but I must say that some of it was so fast it was very hard to follow. I can't wait til it comes out on DVD so I can slow some of that shit down. (Not recent) Seven  I realize it has been out for a few years, but I just finished watching it again. Fantastic movie. Disappointing ending, but of course, it had to be that way. Brad Pitt did a great job, and I can't remember if this or 13 Monkeys came out first (another splantastic movie!), but you could see a little bit of Geoffrey in the Detective. It sucks that he hasn't had any real character roles like that in such a long time. He became a super star and started taking mediocre roles that all end up being basically the same character. I did love him in Fight Club, though. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, serial killers. Smart guys are sexy. Spiderwick Chronicles  Thank God for fantasy kid movies that don't center around the death of a parent! This one tastefully stopped at abandonment. And hey, the fantasy characters were 'real', not imagined! Love it! I actually got to sit down and watch this with my kids, without fear of having to soothe my sensitive daughters feelings when the beloved parent of a beloved character is MURDERED!!!!! (That's for you, people who took Walt Disney's dream and crushed it beneath your heels!) Also, the little flower fairy things that their aunt had were so cool, and I would not have minded being trapped in the song of the little white ones for 80 years. Question: is that poor guy going to live forever with nothing but the fairies song to keep him company? Would he care? Would he crumble to dust the second he stepped outside their enchantment? These things I will ponder. I had the chance to watch The Dark Knight today, but I woke up late and had to do some stuff before work, so I didn't get to.  Hopefully, I can talk my brother into letting me watch it soon, because even though I'm sure that seeing Heath Ledger will make me uneasy, I've always been partial to Batman and The Joker has always been my favorite villain. I don't know. Seeing Heath caught up in the Joker's insanity...is that what caused him to die? I know how it feels to lose yourself. I know how it feels to be trapped in a black hole of fear and rage.Uh, what the hell just happened? Oh. Anyway, I wish I had more time to watch movies, so I could do more movie reviews, but thankfully, no one even reads this crap, so why do I even bother? Fuck, I really don't know anymore. If you do happen to read this crap, would you let me know? I'm curious. Going away now. Flies and Honey. |
| Wow, I've been away forever! So much has been going on, and yet somehow nothing at all. I got a new job, though I still deliver pizza on the weekend, and I've been going to Pharmacy School as well. My good for nothing asshole husband took my car and left me with the three kids and my disabled mom to take care of. He says I'm 'irresponsible', because my timing chain broke. What the hell is a timing chain, and why in the fuck didn't he take care of it? What kind of man who supposedly loves his family wouldn't take care of a thing like that when he isn't even fucking working, and I am struggling just not to drown in my own insanity? Anyway, good fucking riddance, but I'm so angry with him (could you tell?) that he took this mind numbing, lethal love that I had for him and made me hate him that much in a single day. It's like a poison. A person should not have that kind of hatred suddenly injected into their soul in the space of a mere moment. And get this, he calls me while I'm at my other job (Wet Pets by Steve- not dog grooming, not a strip club, you figure it out) so that he knows I will not answer the phone, and leaves me a voice mail message. "Listen carefully," it says in this voice that says 'I know you've been plotting my death while I sleep, but look above you and behold the pendulum...' "We are officially 'broken up'. I don't want to see you, I'm taking the car, don't call me." Click. We are officially broken up? Is this fucking junior high, because I could have sworn that I have three kids with this asshole. Who leaves their wife in a voice message? I may have snapped a little. This whole year has been a total bust. It's been very trying. I've watched my hair turning silver, watched my life slip slowly through my hands. All the stress has kicked my RA up a notch, BAM! I can hardly move anymore. My best days have me whacked out on painkillers and Lidoderm patches. I look like a friggin' mummy half the time. Oh, yeah, this is so horrible that it's stupidly funny. There's this spider under my bed that's like, the size of my hand, and I'm scared shitless to do anything about it. I can't spray or anything because I have a bunch of big fishtanks. I can't just let the dogs do their thing because the damn spider is bigger than their little Doxie faces. I've been sleeping in the recliner for the past month, then, when the older kids went to Kansas City for summer vacation, I was sleeping in the boys room for a couple of days with the baby, and my oldest son's bed is so hard that I can't sleep, so the recliner is actually much more comfortable. I asked him how he sleeps on his bed, and he said he sleeps just fine. Of course, I remember when I was little and I slept whenever, wherever. Anyhoozit, let's do a couple of movie reviews, shall we? The Happening Not the fantastic horror movie I was hoping for, but amusing in its own right. I especially liked the part where the cop shot himself, then somebody else picked up the gun, then someone else, and so on. Got a giggle from that. However, it wasn't nearly as funny when they did the same thing later. The best part, though, was when the guy in the field turned on the giant lawnmower thing and laid down in front of it. HI-larious! Was not so amusing when "Suddenly at 8:29, it stopped." What the hell? Vantage Point  Not my normal type of movie, I was sort of suckered in. Quickly caught my interest, though it was a little irritating that it was essentially the same movie six different times. That is the point of course. Interesting plotline, good characters, whatt the hell was wrong with the stupid ass little girl that made her run in the middle of the busy street? Was it ka, like a wheel? I like to think so. Would like to say 'Wow! What kind of car is that, because it seriously took a licking a kept on ticking." Cloverfield   Ehhh...what? Where is Cloverfield? What is Cloverfield? What was the thing? Did it come from space, or underground? I would think that if it had been hurtling toward earth, someone would have noticed it before it hit with an enormous thud. Oh, by the way, if we're ever together in a situation like this, and you get bitten by some crazy creature, watch your back, because I guarantee I'm coming for your ass! No one that ever got bit by a crazy ass creature ever came to any good. Also, "Wow! What kind of camera is that, because it seriously took a licking and kept on ticking! And the battery lasted forever!" What a bunch of dumbasses, the end. Anyway, it's late and I can't really think now that the ranting and the raving have left my system. Is it God's way of punishing me for not writing? I wrote a short today called 'Order', based on a dream I had last night while tossing and turning in my son's incredibly uncomfortable bed, and now this. Perhaps things will turn around. I'm going to go take a cold ass shower now, since I had my gas cut off for nonpayment. Sigh. I promise that I will take time to write at least a little everyday. Maybe God will forgive me for throwing my gifts away for the past year. I hope. Til next time, Flies and Honey, and perhaps Ignorance isn't Bliss after all? |
| I just wanted to say a quick something about people who want their order PRECISELY at 7:15, SPECIFICALLY no earlier and no later and then aren't there when you arrive at PRECISELY 7:15 and make you wait on their porch in the heat. *pbth*!!! And for those of you with fake flowers not only planted in your garden but surrounded by a cage to protect them... AND I wanted to run away because they were so creepy and so obviously fake. Another thing, ipods rock ass! Without it I would have surely lost my cool today. What else was I going to say? Shall I do a quick film review? I have a couple. 300- I give this film five stars and two thumbs up, not only for the great job they did in stretching the Battle for Thermopylae into a two hour movie (there's a good chance I spelled that wrong but I'm cool, I'm not going to obsess...), but also for the riveting action and incredibly interesting characters. I've got to say my favorite was creepy ass Xerxes. I loved the cheek piercings. Don't know if I could pull it off though. Anyway, the cinemetography was beautiful and what few colors were used were gorgeous, and worked well because of their utter simplicity. A good job visually as well as physically. Also, did you notice on the cover of the DVD, there is a picture of Leonidas, and he has a scary, perfect face in his abdomen. It's really weird. You should check it out. Astronaut Farmer: I'm not much for gooey, drippy feel good movies, but this one was all right. It was very drippy though. Billy Bob Thornton's performance of a simple country boy with a dream was very realistic. I thought his family was a little weird, from his daughter being named Stanley to his wife handing him a paper sack of money and telling him he can do whatever he wants, without the rocket they're just a dysfunctional family. Why doesn't that ever happen in my dysfunctional family? I want to build a rocket. Or a swimming pool, whichever. And thank God her dad died, huh? Otherwise they would have been not only hopeless, but homeless as well. I guess I haven't really had time to watch much, because that's all I can think of, and I can't even remember watching any bad movies. That's pretty unusual. Oh no, wait. I watched The Simpsons movie, and I wasn't as impressed as I thought I would be after 20 years of waiting. It had it's moments, like when the Flanders are eating at the Krusty Burger and they say grace just as a naked Bart splats into the window. I won't ruin it, but "Thank you God for this bountiful penis"...that's an instant classic, man. I felt somehow dirty, though, when Marge uttered a curse that was totally unMarge-like. Well thanks for being my guest tonight on this journey of intrigue. My compliments to you for your eclectic taste in reading material. Until next time: Flies and Honey. Also, Ignorance Really Is Bliss. |
| Thank you so much for your help! It's such a load off. Now I don't have to worry about all that crap and I can focus on my writing again. Lots of sappy x's and o's to all! |
| I don't usually do this, but I'm in a mood and I think this song expresses it nicely. Thanks. I won't do it again. I SAID I'VE PLAYED THIS SONG, SO MANY TIMES BEFORE THAT THE MELODIES KEEP REPEATING GROWING NEW IDEAS, FLOWING CHORDS AND NOTES LIKE A MOUNTAIN RIVER BLEEDING. WELL I SAID AS I LOOK BACK ON ALL THE THOUGHTS I'VE HAD THEY REFLECT JUST WHAT I'M LEARNING YES YOU KNOW THAT THE HARDEST PART YES I SAID IS TO STAY ON TOP ON TOP OF THE WORLD FOREVER JOURNYING WELL YOU SAY YOURE THERE, BUT I CAN SEE THAT YOUR EYES ARE GLAD WELL WHAT DO YOU SEE? CAN YOU SEE, CAN YOU SEE WHAT I'M FEELING? YES I'VE SEEN YOUR FACE BEFORE I'VE SEEN IT EVERYWHERE I SAID WILL IT EVER CHANGE? OH YES LORD, I SAID WILL IT STAY THE SAME? I'D SURELY LIKE TO KNOW BEFORE ITS OVER WELL I SAID I'VE PLAYED THIS SONG, YES I SAID IT WONT BE LONG WONT BE LONG BEFORE I START TO PLAY, PLAY ANOTHER I...OH I...IVE SEEN YOUR FACE BEFORE IS IT EVER GONNA, EVER GONNA CHANGE AGAIN? AND I...OH I...I'VE BEEN IN ONE, ONE PLACE TOO LONG IS IT EVER GONNA, EVER GONNA CHANGE AGAIN? (KICK ASS GUITAR SOLO BY ALEX LIFESON) I...OH I..I'VE SEEN YOUR FACE BEFORE IS IT EVER GONNA, EVER GONNA CHANGE AGAIN? AND I...OH I...IVE BEEN IN ONE PLACE TOO LONG IS IT EVER GONNA EVER GONNA CHANGE AGAIN? (MORE KICK ASS GUITAR) . ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I feel like a schmuck for doing this, but I'm about to lose my upgrade because I won't be able to afford it until the end of the month. It expires on the 15th at noon. Can anyone help me?! I'm desperate! If anyone can help, I can reward them heavily with gps at the end of the month! Find it in your heart!  Thank you! |
| I'm so happy, I won the very first contest I've ever entered! Also, I'm rereading Stephen King's Dark Tower, #7. The one that's actually the dark tower. He is such a weird and talented guy. I love the language he uses, even the words that most authors would leave out because they tend to make people uncomfortable. And no, I didn't learn this by delivering pizza. Some quick movie reviews: Hannibal Rising: WOW! The guy that played Hannibal in this one must have studied Anthony Hopkins, because he would get an expression, and I would see Anthony Hopkins in it. Also, what a creepy looking dude! I felt sorry for him, and totally let him off the hook for all his future brain eating.The Fountain: Not at all what I thought it was going to be, and not exactly the feel good movie of the year, but that's okay, because it was a beautiful movie, and I do love me some Hugh Jackmon.  This movie felt like if me, Christopher Pike, and Tool all got squished up into a little ball of brilliant, blinding emotion. Fantastic.Pan's Labyrinth: How many thumbs do I have? One more? Okay Could they not have told somebody this was in Spanish? I waited a year and a half to see this farkin' movie, and then I couldn't understand it and missed half of it because I was too busy trying to read the movie! If I want to read, I'll get the book, thanks. I was so mad. And I know, it's supposed to be a beautiful, cutting edge movie, but COME ON! The faun was super gay, like a big floppy puppet, and the scenes that were kind of cool were tainted because I had to rewind the movie to read what was going on. Thank God I didn't go to the theater for this one. Bridge to Tarabithia: Why do producers and directors think that people want some sad downers in the middle of a fantasy movie? They did it in the Lion King, Barnyard, for God's sake, and now this. Well I'm sick of it. If I'm watching a kid's fantasy, I want to be entertained and happy, I don't want to be enjoying myself and suddenly struck with some moral happy crappy where somebody dies. I suppose I could say the same of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, but at least in that one the fantasy was realistic, and Aslan came back to life to save the day. People need to come back from the dead more often. Anyway, that's it for now, just wanted to update the blog. Til next time: Flies and Honey, everybody. Flies and Honey. |
| I'm not going to be all philosophical this time, just efficient. These are five things that drive me and every other delivery driver completely insane. #1 DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! I know, I know- you like to kill birds with stones, right? Well even though they may tell you it's going to take 45 minutes, that's just to cover everyone's collective ass. It could be as little as ten minutes, for all you know, and while that may be rare, you haven't gotten me. I get more people saying "Wow, that was quick" than anything else. If you're going to go to Blockbuster, or wherever, go ahead and do that, then order when you get back home. #2 DO NOT MOW YOUR LAWN! Now, while it is your perogative to do whatever you want whenever you want, I, along with many others, have athsma, and am allergic to grass. It's not so much the lawn mowing that gets me, it's the continuing to mow as I walk up to your door, the blowing of fresh cut grass onto my clothes and into my lungs. It's freaking awful. #3 DO NOT TRY TO HAVE A SEX RACE! There are these people, regulars, who order every Friday night, and we have a general concensus that they hang up the phone and jump into bed. It always takes them forever to open the door, and I'm pretty sure that they are trying to beat the clock. Like I said earlier, could be ten minutes, could be forty. If you want to have a sex race, please be kind and get it over quickly.  #4 DO NOT GO INTO THE BACKYARD SWIMMING POOL! If you can't hear the door, or the phone when we try to call, that's your bad, and when you finally realize that it's been two hours since you ordered, you're getting the same pizza that was originally sent. No remakes for the stupidity of the customer. We are not great explorers, nor do we seek you out. Also it is in incredibly bad taste to make the pizza guy (or gal) deliver to you in your pool when it's the middle of August and it's 120 degrees, and then ask them if they want to go for a swim. Let me just go ahead and answer for all of us...YES WE WOULD LOVE TO, ASSHOLE. Unfortunately there's this job thing, where they frown upon soaking wet delivery drivers on a dry day. ALSO, dipshit, move your sprinkler away from the front door, and don't tell me to stay cool. #5 My favorite, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! Okay, I understand it's your house, but COME ON! I've had people come to the door buck naked, half naked, and might as well be naked. I have walked up to the open front door just as the naked homeowner was walking by, I have walked up to a hotel room to an open window and an ancient, naked man covered in white fur. I have had to walk into someone's house who is 'disabled' in the way that they have to sit in bed with nothing on. I have seen some things that I would rather forget, and some I'm sure I've blocked out. THINGS TO DO INSTEAD... #1 Go ahead and get your money as soon as you are told the total. Place said money by the front door, in a safe place where it won't blow into the floor and make the whole thing a moot point. #2 If your dogs are insane, it would be great if you could just put them into a different room 'til I leave. It's not cruel and unusual, I promise, and you'll regret not doing it when the driver sues you because your Boxer bit her right on the ass. Trust me. #3 Make sure you and all family members who might be seen are somewhat clothed. This includes small children. While Grandma might think little Billy's winky is just adorable, I promise you that no one else does. #4 Go check your front door real quick like, making sure there are no giant spiderwebs, wasp nests, or trees that will take my skin as I walk up to your doorbell. A good example of these are Holly bushes, rose bushes, and evergreens. #5 TURN OFF YOUR SPRINKLERS! At least the ones pointed directly at your porch. While it can be slightly refreshing in the dead of summer, it does mean that we have to go back to the store soaking wet. #6 Speaking of the dead of summer, there is no better tip on a 105 degree day than an ice cold Budweiser...but you didn't hear that from me, I swear... Okay. Simple stuff. I'm not sure what my next volume will be on, but I think I will delve into proper driving etiquette. Til then...Flies and Honey! |
| Welcome to Volume Two in my series "Things I learned while delivering pizza": Why are people so freaking stupid? Of course I don't mean everyone, nor do I even necessarily mean stupid. Thoughtless and ignorant is much better, but perhaps not so catchy. Why are people so freaking stupid? Why is it so hard to give a moments thought to someone else? Why are people so thoughtless towards others? Nothing angers me more quickly than being on the butt end of someone else's careless gestures. Just, in general, stupid little things that could easily be avoided with a single thought shift towards 'how will this affect others around me?'. For example, let's say there's this man, we'll call him Bob Bigass McMansion. His house is so big that every time I turn the corner and see it, I involuntarily gag at the vastness of it. Anyway, say Bob has been hard at golf or whatever it is he does all day Saturday, and now it's started to rain. Something about the sound of thunder rattling his well insulated windows makes him crave pizza, so as a torrent begins, he orders a large, thin crust, anchovy and onion pizza. The girl taking his order says "It will be about forty five minutes, sir", and he hangs up, never even considering the words 'Thank you'; it is, after all, her job to take his order. Then Bob looks around him and thinks, "Hmm. What can I do in forty minutes?" He decides that forty minutes is exactly how long, theoretically, he could take a nap. So he goes and lays down upstairs in his big comfy bed. After a few minutes, he begins to gently snore as the sound of the monsoon outside lulls him into a sweet slumber. MEANWHILE... Four delivery drivers are starting to panic. It is only them, and suddenly the delivery screen is filling up with orders faster than you could say 'Oh hell'. The four of them start running around; they are old pros at this dance. They bend and weave through and around each other, and around the cooks, who are involved in their own strange ballet. The drivers are gathering all the side items they need- cokes, ranch, cheese and peppers, salads and overpriced slices of cake, things that get a driver into trouble when they are forgotten. When they have all these things and their orders gathered, they take a deep breath and run out into the storm. They have all experienced a phenomenon called 'Blinding Rain' here in the south central portion of the country, and it is always interesting to drive when you can't even see the end of your hood. So why do they do it, you ask? I'm telling you, there's something about heavy rain, or even wind, that makes a person open up their refrigerator, examine each food item carefully, and decide that only pizza will do. Something about the rain makes people realize that they are hungry and lazy at the same time. That's why we do it, because, not unlike the postman, neither rain, nor sleet, nor tornadoes dropping down on my head, nor hail pinging off my skull shall stop me from helping them out, because they are so tired and hungry. And because every now and then, someone actually makes it worth while to do so. So, let's follow one of the drivers, who squints through the glass of her windshield, trying desperately to see if there are any cars in front of her, hoping not to see a red flash, the sign that someone is stopping very quickly. She knows that people are thoughtless and silly, so she is as careful as can be, but even then she nearly gets t-boned by a guy with no lights on. It's very dark, and it's raining buckets, and this guy is driving around with no lights? As her heart stops racing and her fingers unclench from the steering wheel, she turns onto the street for her first delivery, and as she pulls up in front of the house, she groans. The porch is composed of the ever popular marble tile that, when it gets wet or is completely submerged, as it is now, becomes incredibly dangerous, like walking on partially melted ice with partially melted shoes of ice. A few weeks before, one of the other drivers slipped and fell on marble tile, breaking his glasses and cracking his head open. He had to go to the hospital to get X-Rays and stitches, and then the people (at the house he fell at) had the nuts to call and say that their pizza was cold, and they wanted another one made. Wow. Anyway, she thinks about this as she makes a mad dive for it, thinking, "If I fall and survive, maybe I won't have to do this anymore..." but no such luck ( , though she does slide dangerously, and slams into the front door with a bang. A woman opens the door and looks at the driver like she's from Mars, or her head is on fire, or something, and the driver frowns."Did you order pizza?" The driver asks. "Yes." The woman answers, continuing to look at the driver as if she were some type of disgusting, exotic bug. The driver shakes her head in confusion and says "It's $13.50." The woman turns and walks back into her house, without a word, and is gone for several minutes, and the driver is growing edgy, contemplates walking back to the car and making the woman come to her. Finally, she comes back. Turns out she had to go to the garage and get her purse out of her car. As she starts digging and pulling handfuls of stuff out of it, she asks again how much it is. The driver repeats the total, all the while just trying to keep her cool. Finally, the check is written, but oh, she's got to write the amount, which is exactly thirteen dollars and fifty cents, in her register, put the top back on her pen, and replace everything in her purse before she can rip the check out of the book and hand it to the driver, who looks at it. The address is different, which means she has to get the womans driver license number. Today, however, she will smile and say thank you and walk quickly back to the car so she can call the woman names in private. As the driver begins to do just that, the woman says the worst thing, the epitome of insults, "Stay Dry". It's like her life is just a big joke, for all the evil, careless people to guffaw over. Stay dry. Or "Keep warm!' when the temperature is hovering in the teens and they've made the driver stand on their porch for five minutes while their child stands at the glass storm door and stares, making the driver uncomfortable. Or "Stay cool!" When it's 105 in the shade and her clothes stick like papier mache. Or "Be safe!" When the roads are covered with an inch of ice. These people are the ones who don't enter their house from the front door, and have no idea what's going on over there. Is there a giant mound of snow there? Some overgrown holly bushes? A swarm of freakin' bees, for christsakes? I didn't know, I don't come in through that door. They happily write you a check for the exact amount, tell you how very much they appreciate you, grin from ear to ear, and pick the most fitting insult to hurl. Oh, our driver has come to her second delivery, and she puts the car in park, jumps out, and runs. The wooden door is open, and two schnauzers jump in tandem, barking like they just figured out how. An older man comes to the door, tries to open it, but the dogs go crazy, trying to squeeze out through the smallest crack. The man holds up a finger- the international "One minute' signal, and the driver nods. From inside the house, showcased behind glass for her enjoyment, the man tells his dogs "NO, get back, get back, get back, no, no, Sara, come get these dogs, hold on! Sara! Come get these dogs! Come get these dogs! Get back, no, quit fighting..." etc, and so on and so forth. Finally, Sara comes and gets the dogs, one by one, and puts them in a different room. The driver wonders, "Why didn't they do that earlier? Like when they ordered?" The man comes out, laughing. "Vicious", he mumbles. "How much do I owe you?" The driver looks at the receipt. With two medium pizzas, a two liter of Coke, two chef salads, cinnamon sticks and cheesedippers, the total is $32.79. The man looks shocked, almost as if he had no idea. "Good Lord, what'd I order?" The driver repeats it. By now, it has been close to twenty minutes since she left the restaurant, and still has two more deliveries before she can go back and get more. By then they will be getting old, and people will be getting pissed, though as a race, it's their own faults. The man grudgingly pays the bill, and asks "Is your tip included?" The driver rolls her eyes in such a way as that the man doesn't see, and thinks "If it were, it wouldn't be called a tip, dumbass", but outwardly she says "No, sir." He hands her back a dollar of the $2.21 he received in change and shoves the rest of it in his pocket. The driver smiles and says "Thank you, have a nice day", and walks back to her car. What a flipping waste of time this is, she thinks. "Stay dry." The man says, and she growls. Little late for that, she thinks. On to the next delivery. The wind has picked up, howling through the seals of her windows as she drives to the next house. She is almost done with this run, then back to the store for some more deliveries. As she pulls in front of the house, she has given up on any semblance of dryness and warmth. The driver gets out of her car, stepping into the gutter and soaking her leg up to the knee. She trudges up to the door, rings the doorbell, and waits as the wind rips at her clothes. A dark haired woman opens the door and hands her a twenty. The driver checks the total and begins to count out the seven dollars and twenty two cents in change, but the woman stops her. "Just keep it, " she says, adding "And be careful out there. There are a lot of freaks." The driver smiles at her. "You don't have to tell me!" She says. The woman laughs and they go back to where they started, the driver to her car, the woman to her couch. Now, on to the last delivery. Remember Mr. Bob McMansion? He is still slumbering sweetly. It has been exactly forty five minutes since he ordered, and the driver is pulling up into his driveway, because it would take her far too long to walk to his front door from the street. She rings his doorbell and waits. And waits. She has the urge to just ring it as fast as she can until someone opens the door, and she will relish the horrified expression when they do. Instead, she knocks. And again she knocks. Finally, as she is about to say to hell with it and go back to the car, Bob opens the door. He is forty pounds overweight, hairy, and wearing only a tight pair of basketball shorts. The driver shudders. The man scratches his belly and asks her how much it is. The driver tells him, carefully keeping her eyes averted, and he says to hold on, he has to go find his pants. The driver shudders again, and stands in the cold, pouring rain, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. She is so close to walking into this man's house and sitting down in his easy chair that it's not even funny. He finally comes back to the door with his pants in hand. "Sorry, the house is so big I got lost." He says, thinking that he is being clever. He opens his wallet, pulls out a hundred dollar bill, and hands it to the driver, who just looks at him blankly. "I can't change this. We're only allowed to carry twenty dollars in change." The man takes it back and grumbles, going back through his wallet. He pulls out a credit card. The driver loves this part, though she never gets to say what she really wants to. The day she quits, however, she's going to take that credit card and swipe it right between her butt cheeks before saying, "It'll just take a second to go through, sir." Really, what do people think, that she has some kind of magic power that enables her to be connected to a credit card machine at all times? She shakes her head at him. "I can't take that either. You have to tell them when you order so they can run your card at the store." Now the man is irritated, but only a small percentage of what the driver feels. She keeps it carefully concealed, though. The man shoves his wallet back in his pants and grumbles, "I'll have to write a check, then," and disappears back into the house. A few minutes later, he comes back with a check, written for the exact amount. "I was going to tip you, but since I had to write a check, I can't" The driver smiles sweetly at him as she takes his check. "Actually, you can put the tip on the check." The man shrugs as he takes his pizza, which by now, through no fault of the driver, is cold. "Well, it's too late now, isn't it?" and he shuts the door in her face. She keeps smiling, though, and as she gets in her car, she pulls out a small clipboard from between her seats. On the back is a list of names. She adds his to the bottom. At the top of the clipboard is the title "Hit List". This is her list of people who have wronged her, though she is a person who believes in Karma, she is also a person who believes in justifiable revenge... Think about that for a minute, if you will. Just let it all soak in. Thanks to a few inconsiderate remarks and gestures, this delivery driver's day is shot. She has no faith at all, even though one person did tip her well, and was very nice. That one person's tip came out to be about thirty cents per delivery, thanks to all the others who didn't tip at all, or gave her that 'Keep the change' bullcrap when the change was two cents. Thanks. Next time, we will cover "Things not to do after ordering pizza", which will include Do not leave your house and For the love of God put some clothes on. Thanks for being my humble company for the evening, and until next time, Flies and Honey. |
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I was never sick after a flight, real or imagined, and I have flown countless times.