Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books.php/item_id/1658293-Trapped-Thoughts
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This is the place where my mind unloads, and I remember who I am. |
Size: 6 Entries
Created: March 24th, 2010 at 1:30pm
Modified: September 22nd, 2012 at 1:27am
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Sometimes I get lost. I feel confused and often times purposeless. I am never sure of myself and I feel self conscious and defeated. This is when I like to write. I find the nearest pen and journal, or the nearest computer screen and keyboard, and I unload my mind onto the paper or screen. The newly released thoughts surprise me. Suddenly everything wrong turns right and makes sense. I am a writer. I will always be a writer. Writing is not my career. Writing is not my hobby. Writing is who I am. As you read my deepest thoughts keep in mind these are my deepest thoughts. You are catching a glimpse of my soul. You are reading the words I can not say out loud. My hope is to inspire the readers just as much as I inspire myself. Enjoy, and please rate and review as you see fit.
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September 22, 2012 at 1:27am
September 22, 2012 at 1:27am
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| It's dangerous of me, but I still do it. I base my present on my past. Especially if something horrible is happening that is similar to something from my past. I go back there in my mind and I feel the same. Nothing is changed. I'm right back where I started. This is my life. This will always be my life. What do I mean by that? This is not my life. My life is the air I breathe and the people I meet. My life is the influences I create and the possibilities I have yet to see. My life is not based around my misery, in fact most of it is based around laughter. Yet when I feel down, I accuse my life of betraying me. When something happens I blame it on my life. I find myself saying. "It's just my life." This is what happens to me. It's just one big pity party when I say it like that. My life is not a pity party. No matter how bad I feel or how bad I want something to change I still can find ways to comfort myself. I still can enjoy the little things. The good things are part of my life too. Why is that so hard to remember when I'm focusing on the bad things. I guess that's just my life. |
September 16, 2012 at 10:02am
September 16, 2012 at 10:02am
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| We all do it. I believe every human possesses a natural wanting or needing of a miracle. Whether this miracle is for themselves or someone else it is usually something that will make them feel better regardless. Something that will make their lives a little or a lot easier to bear. I find myself waiting all the time. I've received many miracles in my life time and I am grateful for them all, but inevitably after every miracle is granted, I desire for just one more. Now I find myself sitting her in great need of a miracle, just waiting and praying. I need this miracle and I want it so bad I've come to begging terms with God. The not knowing and the waiting are slowly diminishing my spirit, but I will always have faith. So, I don't get the miracle I think I need. The real miracle is I'm living every day without it as I'm waiting for it. I'm surviving and getting by. This is a miracle in itself. Let's face it, God knows what I need more than I do. So if I'm waiting and waiting for a miracle, there is a reason it is taking so long. |
November 22, 2011 at 8:39pm
November 22, 2011 at 8:39pm
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I have become more at ease with myself these days. Almost like everything I have burdened myself with over the years was unnecessary and harsh. I am not saying my life is easier, if anything it is more challenging. New trials strike me daily and I often find myself struggling to keep my head above the harsh waves of life striving to drown me. Those waves never succeed. God would never allow me to drown. I am a strong woman who carries a lot on her shoulders. It is naïve of me. I have realized this fact the hard way. God’s hands are outstretched and he calls for me to lay all of my burdens at his feet and just relax in his arms. I don’t have to do it alone. When I walk through any valley of the shadow of death my God is with me. This is why I am more at ease these days with myself. God helps me. He catches me when I fall. He calms my fears. I feel so sorry for anyone who sits alone with their pain and does not realize there is a creator and a healer out there calling their name trying to break through the walls they put up and save them. I am happy. I have been saved. I love my life because of God, and hard as it is sometimes, I am thankful for the life I have been given. I am thankful I have a God who carries me, a God who loves me, a God who died for me just so I could be more at ease. Think about it. Does God carry you?
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I just had a birthday. I turned 29 years old. I’ve been married for almost eight years, and I have no children. I am a solitary person, in a way. I pretend to love it, but sometimes I wish my life were more exciting. I watch everyone around me with their kids, and their step ford wife ways, and I feel different, disconnected from them. When I think about it, I have always felt this way. I don’t exactly fit in. I’ve never decided if this is a good or bad thing. I know I’m accepted. There is always that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to stand guard, whenever I am around people. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with people, and I have friends, and family who will bend over backwards for me. I’ve just always felt awkward, but I realize that is why the people I do have love me. I have a sense of humor, which is hard to tell from my writing, but many people think I am hilarious. I love it! I love to make people laugh, but it is usually digs I make toward myself that get them going. I am different. It may be the fact that all of my generation is raising a family and I’m still trying to raise my husband, or the fact I know I’m different that makes me unique. I don’t strive to make myself what I’m not. I’m plain on the outside, and completely frazzled on the inside. I live with the theory if I am not enough, your loss. It leaves me with a short amount of people in my life, but this is ok. I love my life. I love myself. It’s good to remind myself of this with my writing.
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October 5, 2010 at 12:39am
October 5, 2010 at 12:39am
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| How dare they! What in the world gives them the right?! They could be anybody.. a friend.. a family member.. even a grandparent.. or the worst kind.. people you don't even know. Judgmental people who make snap negative judgments meant only to hurt and destroy the deepest part of you. You can put up a brave front, sticks and stones and all that stuff, but secretly inside the anger stews. It sits there and simmers to a boil waiting to explode, on anyone else besides the judgmental person who poured the water from the faucet into the pot and put it on the burner. Why is it so hard to stand up for yourself? Why is it so important to stay in control of your emotions? It is because you are more stable.. maybe not with the gossip or the venting, but with holding it together. Why give them the satisfaction of them knowing you are just as bad off as they are? What will it prove. So turn the overhead vents on and clear the steam away. Chances are, to everyone else you'll taste better, but the person who pours the water will always be undone, unfixed, always trying to cook someone else up instead of putting the ingredients of their own life together. It's mandatory to keep cool, and not pity yourself but pity the person who judges, they are in need of God's grace just as well. |
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I have always known myself as plain on the outside yet peculiar on the inside. I am sure most people feel disconnected somehow from who they are on the inside to what they look like on the outside. It is the greatest self- battle in yesterday and today‘s generation, especially for women. This has always been the case for me. I have battled low self-esteem issues ever since I was twelve, and my fifth grade classroom full of students my age decided I was worthless, and somebody to ridicule and humiliate. Yes, I was different. I had hair like a poodle and humungous glasses with bi-focals. I walked maybe a little different than the rest of the kids, because of my bad knees, but it wasn’t so noticeable. I was never rude, and I took everything those kids threw at me with grace and humility. I started to believe I was ugly on the outside and it changed who I was on the inside. I spent the rest of my school years, including high school closing myself off in fear of rejection and ridicule. After the fifth grade, I was no longer tormented just ignored. Today I am 27, and this morning when I looked in the mirror it didn’t match with who I am on the inside. I’ve learned to accept my low self-esteem and I’ve learned how to prosper above it, but it will always be there. I am proud of myself and I know I am a good person. I know I am a beautiful person , but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. So I will continue this battle with myself and one day I will look in the mirror and I will see me for what I am.
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books.php/item_id/1658293-Trapped-Thoughts
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