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4th installment of "Perspective" |
| 4th installment of Perspective |
| Thank God it's over. Those were the thoughts going through my head with anxiety threatening to crawl up and out of my throat when I faced the reality that my husband was cheating again. It took me a minute to get a grip, sure, this was deja vu in the worst way. No hysterics, no tears, me, for once in my adult life having fantastic control of my emotions. We're going to be ok. This is going to be ok. This is what we wanted. Now we know. It can finally be over. The strength to look him dead in the face and say calmly, neutrally, "it's over now. I'd like a divorce as soon as possible." Is the kind of win that will echo in my life as profound. I had never, of my own accord, walked away from someone with such crystal clear resolve. I no longer take responsibility for your journey. I do not care at all for your anguish. I do not need your closure. You will not be given another opportunity to build something here. It no longer matters to me the outcome of your life. The trade off here: I'm free to explore a new beginning with someone so very similar to myself who is both known and unknown to me. Someone who seemed to come in at exactly the right moment, offering something that seared a brand on me, leaving me to recognize a few truths. In my entire life of dating, not a single person felt like home. Someone who offered me a soft, dry place to land that was safe, to just be me, no strings, no drama. Someone who offered me no doubt about us. Someone who could say "I'm making up for 8 years of neglect." And make good on it. Someone who could say "I plan to ruin you for any man afterwards." And make me believe it, even when he wasn't so sure himself. Someone who walked around, trying to gather their thoughts about what to offer a girl like me. Someone I suspect may be blown out of the water, but has enough mileage to know that it's possibly worth hanging on to, even when it's scary. I asked the universe to send me a man who knew me, who I trusted, who I cared for, who could allow me to experience the power of a successful relationship dynamic that was build on trust, honesty, and openess. I imagined someone new, and that's exactly what I was given. Someone I had known for years, someone I'd always trusted, someone who'd become new to me in our time apart. The proof of his growth as a person is clear. This is what I've asked for, this is why it's a done deal for me. Why I couldn't help declaring with tears "I've been waiting!", an anquish I'm not convinced you recognize as truth. What makes the universe work for me, is that I'm quick to recognize when it's delivered what I've asked for. I don't get distracted by the timing. |
| Broken people. The hard part about them is they don't see themselves as broken. Lost maybe. Victims surely. But never broken. And the thing that kills me most, they have the power to fix it, and rarely do. Maybe it's because they lost their way and didn't know how to shore up their defenses. Maybe it's because they believe there's nothing left worth saving. Maybe it's because they believe they don't have anything left to give. The bottom line is: their beliefs shape their outcome, as all beliefs do. What makes it volatile is when you shed light on this brokenness, with your own patched up pieces and no longer fit the broken pieces, because you tried to heal your own. There's no longer the comfort of the familiar, a wall where there used to be acceptance, and that can feel like sandpaper on those broken pieces you haven't healed yet. You may even try cutting into the freshly put up walls so that it fits, the way your comfortable with, even if it's a poor fit. |
| My friends have just completed a move across the state with the intent to "change their fate" - as all great adventures tend to do. The roles were reversed from me 7 years ago. You won't crash and burn. You'll get scraped up along the way. You're taking way more possessions with you than I did, I see the bed made the cut, good call. I could tell you that I'm sad to see you go. The reality is I'm not. I'm excited that this chapter of your lives is coming to a close. It's been a super long chapter with alot of stress and suck in it. It's not my favorite chapter for you guys. I know you can write better. That's why I'm your biggest fan. I bet if I asked you what "the" moment was, when you knew, you were going to change everything - you'd be able to tell me with clarity. If it was anything like mine, it'll be frozen in your memory pristine. I didn't act on that moment until 6 months later. I was just sitting at a red light, squinting into the sun, next to the same red car I'd driven next to for several weeks in a row; knowing what I was going to eat for dinner, what I was going to do before bed, what time I'd go to bed to wake up to do the same thing again the next day. I knew that life was suffocating to me. I knew in those moments as well, that it was going to be a short lived one. Why am I telling you this story, you probably already know? Because despite everything that's happened since that move, I don't regret it. I've never regretted it. Not even in my lowest moments. Not even in the scariest ones. That's my greatest hope for your adventure here. That you never regret it. My tears that day were selfish ones. They were filled with memories of walks through beautiful scenery, to a court house, to bars. They were filled with hookahs, laughter, and solace. They held a "6 year old life time best friend friendship" as well as a "friendship that just gets better as it ages, slowly and wonderfully." They were the outpouring of love for a journey I had already traveled and a journey I couldn't go on. So jam to your music, rock your rad selves on to the next chapter, and don't blink. It's going to happen so fast you'll wonder where the time went. It will be ok. It will be the greatest change to ever happen to you, until the next one. |
| I've been fired for the first time a few days ago in a hysterical series of events. I find humor because I'm assured that it will be short lived, as the circumstances surrounding it are truly out of the ordinary. There's a coup in progress and I'm what can only be defined as collateral damage. I've been asking for more time to do what I want to do and have been given the opportunity. I haven't squandered it. If in fact the unemployment is short lived, I've got a narrow window to get a bunch of things done in. If it isn't, I don't have time to waste being idle. Hard to say in the heat of the moment, which way that will fall. I think the important thing, that I mentioned to my husband is: We were planning for this. Obviously not the firing part, but the parting of ways - if it came to it, for a few months now. So it's not a crippling series of events. Something I believe should be taken note on. I made a promise to myself that I'd never be a hostage to another organization ever again several months ago. Since then, I've been supplementing my income picking up odd jobs on the side as a contractor. If the intent was to destroy, which, I believe it was, the joke is on them. It's a speed bump, not a disaster. And that's one for me and my cynical view on this economy. |
| A couple of things that stick out to me: Prison sentences for the innocent – BRAVO for nailing it, as accurately as any one of us can the heart of the matter. Still can’t stomach the idea of someone new, much less the one I used to know, but I believe there will be a day, one way or another that will change those circumstances for me. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the ceiling, the floor, the walls, the empty air in front of me defaulting to “Dear God, please guide me where I’m suppose to go and give me the strength to survive it.” It actually goes a lot like this: “Dear God, please get me through this.” “Dear God, please help me with the strength to bear this.” “Dear God, please get that kid some help, some guidance, some comfort.” (my H) “Dear God, I know I seek you out nine thousand times a day in the most selfish of ways, asking you to bring me comfort, peace, happiness and wholeness. I’m sorry I’m not a better instrument for you, this is all I’ve got.” “Dear God, make him get a grip!” “Dear God, if we’re meant to survive this, guide us.” Well, you get the idea, it’s a lot and it’s all day long. It’s the first thing in the morning, before I’ve even left the bed. It’s the last thing before I go to sleep. It’s while I’m working, while I’m bathing, while I’m fixing my 9th bowl of cereal in a row for dinner. I can’t stay that I have been particularly religious in my life, and I can’t honestly say that my praying to the ceiling is entirely religious, so much as a crying out of my spirit to the universe. What I can tell you is: It helps. A friend of mine put it like this: “That guy (pointing to the ceiling) won’t make it hard, it’s already hard. He won’t confuse you. He’s straight and true and all that other stuff? That’s the other guy. He’s a real piece of work. Anything that isn’t straight and true, that’s the other guy.” The way I see it – I won’t be asked to endure this twice – with or without my husband. If I’m paying attention, God’s going to make it real easy for me. I find strength in not being sucked in to “Twilight Zone” bulls***. Which is really the only way to describe what some of the days have been like for me through all of this. God isn’t into fear and tricks and lies and manipulation. And guess what, this kid isn’t either. So when I came to these realizations: my husband got weird. Not just his normal level of weird but WEIRD. Didn’t know how to respond to me. I stopped listening to all the “Woe is me.” Not because I don’t care. It’s because I do. See – you weren’t paying attention to me. You weren’t aware of the fact that I won’t be lured into the chaos that is your daily existence until I pretty much said I wouldn’t be. Something else happened also. I started to get migraines – prescription strength medicine not doing the job – migraines, every time I would give in to the bulls***. Until I realized, I wasn’t paying attention to what I was suppose to remember – I won’t have to endure this twice. There are 45 days left until the divorce is final: To be clear: I’m still in the marriage camp. God brings me strength and comfort as well as counseling and friends do. At the end of the day, I’ll have the life I want and deserve with or without you(my husband) in it. So once I noticed all the things the “other guy” was doing to me: it stopped. Instantaneously. Imagine my surprise and my immediate relief. I’m not saying I’m better. I’m not even saying I’m ok. But I’m saying I’m here. Writing this to you. Hoping it helps in a way. |
| I wish I had good news here but I don’t. We’re still in the gray twilight of knowing neither victory nor defeat. This is SO complicated. It’s confirmed my husband has his own issues, and believe it or not, I get that. I’m strong enough to handle that. But the difficulty is, I have my own. The reality is: this is what they don’t tell you about affairs. You’ll have to be the “big” person in situations that are grossly unfair. For example: with friends who are trying to remain “neutral” they’ll cancel your plans to keep plans with your spouse. They’ll tell you that they aren’t trying to hurt you. It may be true. But the fact remains that, despite the intentions, the hurt is there. Compounded by the additional hurts you’ve already amassed. You’ll hear “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” in gross quantities. And you’ll be expected to forgive those unintentional hurts because they weren’t on purpose. They weren’t with the intention to cause harm. Like the intent weighs more than the result. If you’re a “good” person, you’ll bear these too. Until you can’t. Until you can no longer ignore the fact that there isn’t a single person out there in your group of people with the express intent to NOT cause you pain. To intentionally remember that you deserve no more and strive to prevent it at all costs. You’ll question the loyalty of your friends and family as well. Not to the degree that you will with your spouse, but you’ll find yourself wondering “Did you know?” and “Do you truly want what’s best for me? For my family?” If your spouse is anything like mine, you’ll have to face the reality that when faced with conflict of this magnitude, you’ll find yourself needing to express your grievances but unable to do so in fear of pushing your spouse further away. My spouse has a “one foot out the door, one foot in the door” mentality at the moment, and frankly – it’s the most unsettling part of this whole situation. If your spouse is anything like mine, the conversations will become non-confrontational. You’ll find yourself talking about the weather. If you’re anything like me, you’ll stop responding to platitudes and vagueness. Not because you don’t want to interact with your beloved but because you can’t bear the lack of intimacy or friendship. If you’re like me, you’ll feel cheapened when reduced to “dating” – when you’ve made such great strides to stay married. You’ll feel abandoned when the dates come to an end. You’ll feel worthless for not having the kind of “draw” that makes this person you love so much, be willing and able to walk away from you. When you see that they would rather stay away. I’m sure I have more to add to this list, but for the moment, those are the things that stick out most to me. If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself praying more than you’ve ever prayed in your whole life for the strength to bear it. Looking for some peace, some comfort, for direction about what you should do next, what you shouldn’t have done, should have said, shouldn’t have said. You’ll find yourself praying for guidance, for safe harbor and safe passage. And all I can say, to all who read this: For the love of all things holy, remember: You can be changed by the things that happen to you, but you do not have to be reduced by it. – Maya Angelou |
| Here. Again. There are so many things about this that are familiar. And yet, so many things that are different this time. Who knew for as cynical and jaded as I turned out to be, that I'd be holding out hope longer than the rest? |
| There are people who ask the question "Why don't you decide to quit?" It's simple really. I can't. I woke up a wife, I didn't grow into the role, I didn't fall into a habit or a way of life. I woke up one morning a wife, proof of that found here, and that doesn't die with disloyalty, dishonesty, lack of communication or a desperate wish that it did. I loved being married. I loved being a wife. It doesn't change with an affair, emotional or otherwise, as I've experienced both. It doesn't change with the fickleness of others. I'll be in this camp, if for no other reason than I believe in Love. Believing that love with some TLC from the ceiling, will find a way to build here, grow here, flourish here. People ask me what happens after? If the divorce goes through and he wants to start over as friends? I don't have answers for that. I want to say that being friends doesn't warrant the same focus and attention as a wife to her husband might, and as such, I'm not sure it'd work that way either. How we could build on this wasteland if there wasn't that kind of commitment I feel is necessary to build on a wasteland. I want to say that I'd still be a wife and he'd still be a husband and those things wouldn't change with a piece of paper either to consummate it or desecrate it. That it's in the heart and in the mind. But then I ask myself, how could I willingly enter into a relationship with someone I knew so intimately, that they'd let their marriage end instead of trying with every fiber of their being to save it. Why would I do that to myself twice? Hard to say. I guess we'll find out. |
| I've been thinking a lot about writing lately. How I used to love it, look forward to it, be moved to do it, even be proud of some of the things I'd written. Writing for me, gives me the time to be eloquent when my spoken words leave something to be desired. I'd make excuses, great ones. The reality is, I've been trying to survive what has felt like at times, a barren desert waste land that goes on for centuries. Other times, a flood that's destroyed everything, leaving wreckage and devastation. There are moments, however, where I feel like I've been banished to a place that's more like purgatory. The grey twilight of emptiness and cold. It's tempered my spirit in so many ways. I've been taught about my ego and it's remarkable exit during all of these things. I'm not terribly convinced that I'm better without it, but it seems I have scars even I had not anticipated carrying. It occurs to me that this will turn out as every other relationship in my life has turned out. Leaving me being the only one asking the questions, the same bloody questions, again. How could I want it so bad and it could not be? How could I have nothing to hold back, and yet that still not be enough? How could I finally, finally, lay down myself, the anger, the resentment, the willingness to hold a grudge, and it be too late to acknowledge, too late to fix? How I could guarantee that it could be different, because I am different? I feel like I'm being told to wait, wait for something, that's why I haven't been able to move forward. Why other options have not come to fruition. Why I can't seem to change my circumstances. But I agonize in the wait. The wait for what? How long will it last? What will the wait cost? Will I be able to survive this too? How much sadness must a person be asked to bear in such a short time frame? And what of pain? Even with ego completely removed, even with acceptance of such things in my life, where does it go? Where does it end? I want to burn this portion of my life to the ground, bury the ashes and salt the earth and move on from this place I'm frozen in. |
| I sit here surrounded by the stacks of my husband's things that will soon be leaving the place we've shared for the last 3 years. Despite the resounding belief of others that we'd be here, I find myself asking "How did we get here?" The second question I ask is "How can we possibly salvage this?" The fact is while I'm dealing with a complex of starting over from scratch with nothing, I will not be doing that this time. I have a house full of furniture. I will not be on the brink of extinction this time. I've completed school. This will not be me starting from scratch. Don't get me wrong, I'm still 60k in the hole but I have a means of being able to make some substantial money. Something I didn't have going for me back then. There is still the slimmest of hopes that this will work out in everyone's favor. To what end, that is still shrouded in fog. |
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