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Self reflection of someone struggling with thoughts. |
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Some time back, I came to a realization. My writing really sucks. I was gone from this place for a really long time because of this fact. However, I miss the cathartic power of writing. I thought a long time about a blog, but then remembered that there is no better place than here for this sort of thing, and beyond a blog, maybe I could force some crappy writing of static pieces from time to time. I'm counting on anonymity here. I used to be a little bit different person, sharing more of myself than I would have liked to the whole world. However, maybe this will be a little more censored version,though it's hard for the exercise to be cathartic if it does not contain enough of my personal thoughts. So, I'm praying "anonymous" is a word that still rings true here. |
| I have sort of quit coming here. Not sure why, but I guess I have lost interest for the most part. Maybe I will come back a little stronger at some point, but maybe there is just too much going on right now for me to think about this site much. |
| Exactly one month since my last entry. I didn't plan it that way, promise. I've been just sort of lethargic and unmotivated for much of anything. In short, typical depression. Plate extremely full. Too much going on. Not quite like Job, but man there sure are a lot of things to deal with. Including a very scary acting person who is supposed to show up here to meet with me in about an hour or so. I can deal with reasonable people just fine, but when people are more interested in cursing me out, calling me names, and trying to belittle me than they are at resolving the situation, I begin to worry a little bit. Especially when they seem a little bit propelled toward acting out physically. Some people just don't know how to handle themselves. |
| Sometimes I get frustrated about reviews. Since coming back to this site after a png absence, I spend a lot more time rating and reviewing than I used to, and do so a lot more than I add content. Tend to prefer poetry. I really love poetry, but it is also quick and convenient to read and then review. I am not concerned with meeting any quotas, but I do enjoy giving feedback on poetry, and I just really don't have the time for longer pieces. What bothers me is that people can be so defensive about their poetry. I fully understand that poetry is something much more personal than any other type of writing. It delves deeply into the heart of the author, and it would seem that some people take a criticism of their poetry almost like it is a criticism of themselves or the heart felt emotions that the poem represents to them. I do not at all judge harshly, and I believe that I am rarely blunt, but I do make comments based upon a poems ability to make me feel what the author intends. I judge it based upon how well I can relate. not in terms of my experiences but in terms of whether the poem efficiently conveyed a significant meaning that I would hope the author intended. I merely offer advice on what would have worked well for me, the reader. I do not get many responses as feedback for whether the author appreciated getting a review. Maybe it's just me and I shouldn't be so quick to judge, but I cannot let a review I've been given pass without a thank you. I always thank someone for reviewing my work, whether I agree with their criticisms or not. Maybe not everyone else sees it as good etiquette. So, I have tried focusing primarily on items that have had reviews requested. I think the only time I get a response from an author is if I really praise the item. I do not think it fair to request reviews unless you really want them. To me, a review request is not an admiration request. it is a request for someone to give an honest opinion. For that, I would be appreciative. I don't know. I guess I'll just continue doing as I am doing, hoping people appreciate it more than I think they do. I certainly am not able to give only praise. I am not built that way. If someone wants my honest opinion, then I must give it. I do not do so harshly, but diplomatically. But, I cannot do the dishonest thing and rave about things that do not move me. Typically, I am even commenting on a poem I really like but may be giving only 3 stars based upon a lack of conveyance of a message. I think it's perfectly alright to write poems from your heart that you do not intend to have reviewed critically, but if that is the case, I wish people would not do review requests on them. |
| I now know the history of myself from just before I was born. I had a long conversation over the phone the other day with my biological brother. He gave me the almost complete story of my birth mother in the time in the first few years leading up to my birth. Apparently, even though it was one of my biological sisters who began the saga of putting this information all together by initially only knowing of and searching for me, she isn't ready to0 speak with me. Strange, but OK. I have no problem with it. Anyway, we have no true idea of who my birth father was because my birth mother had multiple children through multiple men. Someone who either didn't believe in birth control or just couldn't figure it out. I can't say she was irresponsible, because she obviously did the right thing and put me up (as well as four others) for adoption. Things could have been worse. I have had a great life with an incredible family. I was originally told by my "real mother", that is to say my adoptive mother, that my birth mother was a college student who was single and was not ready to be able to support a child. So, I always assumed that if that were the case, I was likely her first born and her oldest. I never pursued locating her or her family in part because of a fear that potential siblings might not know I existed and it could cause turmoil. However, this is the same story my biological mother left when b[putting up my older biological brother for adoption. I suppose it sounded better than the truth. She actually would often travel to a local army base to arouse with the enlisted there. She had multiple partners, some of them married men. That was the case with my biological brother, which he discovered in a description that was left. So, to pursue information on my own biological father could really do damage to his family, and I refuse to go there. After discussing many similarities between myself and my bio brother, it is possible that we might share the same father. But, that's mere conjecture. I now the identity and name of my next oldest sibling, a sister. She began the process of putting all the information together when she began searching for me (the only sibling she knew of) some 20 or so years ago. The hospital where I was born did not have a file available on me, but they did have one on my middle brother, who happened to have been born at the same hospital. While obtaining a copy of her original birth certificate, the adoption services people accidentally left her birth mother's name on something (which they were not supposed to do). Because of this, the two of them were able to track down other births, and realized that there were also two older siblings. One of them, a brother, has not been located. the other, the eldest sibling and a sister was located but was unaware she was adopted, which I suppose caused a sort of mess. She does not desire to have contact with us. I respect that completely. The other two siblings were able to locate members of my birth mother's family, including her sister - my biological aunt, and my biological uncle. They had a daughter who was with my biological mother when she was giving me up for adoption. She went with her for moral support. She held me as I was being handed off to my now parents. This biological second cousin is now being informed of my being located. She was been wanting to meet me again since learning of the others. My bio brother said she will be thrilled when he tells her that they found me, and she will want to meet me face to face. As for face to face meetings with my known brother and sister, that is on hold until they are more comfortable with me. It's a bit awkward. My bio brother is much more open to it. however, he lives quite a ways out of town. His parents live here, though, and he will come in at some point where we can meet. |
| After yesterday, I feel like I am on an episode of Jerry Springer. Once I have settled down with all the info and get used to a lot of what's happened, I think I will turn this all into a static item. Surely someone would find the it all an interesting story. One day, I am costing along with all the worries and stresses that come with bipolar depression, serious illness with my wife, and a chronic illness with my son that is about to ruin his senior year of high school. Then... BOOM! Out of nowhere, there are two brothers and two sitters I had no idea existed, and two of them wish to contact me. They have been searching for me for 20 years. WOW! What a huge note of news that is to take in. I now know a slightly more complete version of the events surrounding my birth mother, my adoption, and my birth family. Some good, some bad. But, all a very interesting story, I think. So crazy. I feel like this is all a story that belongs to someone else, like something I've read about somewhere. |
| Here I am sitting in my chair and stressing out from all the turmoil going on in my life, and life sends me yet a way out curve ball that has completely blind-sided me. I was not expecting to learn out of the blue that I have four siblings I never knew about, and some of them want to contact me. I got a call from the hospital where I was born that my birth brother wanted to send me a letter (I didn't know I had a birth brother). In there letter, I discover that I am the baby of five children. Overwhelming! A lot to take in at a time where there was already so much more to take in. |
| I am feeling much more than a little overwhelmed this morning. I have a wife who has tested positive for a bite from the Lone Star tick and is now allergic to nearly everything, it would seem. And, I have a son who has been ill and out of school more days than he has attended school this year - in his senior year. Add to that all the stresses of tax situations, work situations, etc. and I am about to pop. So, instead, I'll set it aside for this morning and walk down memory lane. A reviewer recently reminded me while commenting on a very old pic I made of my stint in ghost hunting. Most people would consider that activity a little off kilter and a very strange thing to do. Maybe watch it on TV while rolling their eyes, or even with some interest. But, not something a normal person would do. But, I miss it actually. I really enjoyed it. My experience was that while many many people who did such investigating were a little off kilter, several were just normal folks. I was a member of a team who was the local affiliate of TAPS - the group on the TV show Ghost Hunters. I never met any of TAPS, but from what I heard from those that knew them, they were pretty good people. Just regular people. My primary function was to analyze the data that had been gathered and try to make some sort of connections with it all. While the group would frown on me sharing the specifics in a public way, I can say that there were some very interesting correlations, and there were also some interesting negative correlations to what many people think reflect "spirit" activity. I consider myself mostly skeptical of "ghosts" as most people think of them. Let's face it. We don;t even have a good standard definition of what a ghost actually is. However, I am also open minded about it all. I prefer to think of myself as believing in the possibility of ghosts, but not certain one way or another. I was also included on many investigations and did some of the prowling around in the dark myself. Sometimes in spooky sorts of places, but mostly in normal homes. I had a couple of interesting experiences during that time. It wasn't exciting like the TV portrays, but every now and then an odd thing might happen, and usually it was something that could easily have a good natural explanation. there were only a couple of times that the explanation didn't come easily. Once, while doing the whole silly sort of "do something to show your presence thing", an EMF meter went off and shortly thereafter, something lightly rubbed my hair. I am still not thoroughly convinced it wasn't something like a bug, but I couldn't find one anywhere. The other time, as another team member sat in the dark saying she felt a hand rubbing on her shoulder, I could see a sort of dark blob attached to a hand that I could see very plainly that was indeed rubbing her shoulder. It was the hand of a child, and it was a child that the home owners had been saying they were seeing. There were a lot of other things happening at the same time that were difficult to explain as well. That's the one experience out of maybe a couple of dozen investigations that has always kept me wondering. I never felt afraid of anything. I am even more skeptical of "evil" beings being able to harm me than I am of the existence of ghosts. I believe in the existence of demons, but doubtful they have the ability to directly harm me. It's a matter more of my religious beliefs. That being said, I chose to drop out of this particular group. For a few reasons. Somehow my body chemistry has changed, and while I used to never go to bed any earlier than about 12:30 or so, I now can't seem to stay awake past 10:00. Makes it much more difficult to do the late hours involved with ghost hunting. It also made my wife worry a lot, especially if I didn't make it home tip about 4:30 or 5:00 in the morning from an investigation that was out of town. The other reasons and to do with my mental health conditions. The longer I was at it, the more I realized my condition made it not a good idea to be participating. Even though I have a hard time believing in some spiritual being being able to harm me in some way, it doesn't make much sense for a chronically depressed person to be there as easy fodder. Also, the mere label of "bipolar depression" makes it very difficult to be taken seriously in these circumstances. I have never hallucinated or seen or heard things as a result of my illness. But, because the terms "mental illness" or "bipolar" get associated with every mental malady under the sun, anything I saw or heard could come under question and disregarded. So, with no more explanation than "personal reasons" I left the group, but am still and "honorary investigator" listed ion the team's web site. |
| People can be just so obnoxious with their own personally agendas and priorities. Just because something is at the top of another person's priority list, does not mean it has to be at the top of mine. Calling me over and over does not place it any further up the priority flag pole either. It stresses me out, and it stresses out the other person - no matter how many times I say the same exact thing. If I do not prioritize all the things people want and expect of me in my life, then I can go absolutely bonkers in a matter of minutes. Those priorities are based upon logical factors of necessity and not on others' feelings. Because they can't be. If someone gets his feelings hurt because he thinks I am ignoring him (even though I've explained daily the situation), then the problem is with that person and not with me. That person's feelings do not have any bearing on the factors that weigh on me in my priorities. This is why when I was forced to do collection work many years ago I disposed it so badly and will never do it again. People do not simply (at least as a whole) do not simply decide they do not want to pay their bills. They have something that has made an impact on their lives that prevents it. So,l the whole game is to pester them to the point that they can't stand you and want to pay just to get rid of you. Who wants to become a priority that way? I don't let that be a factor in my decisioning process. If that is the case, you can listen to the click of my phone. On an entirely different subject, my son's problems are also weighing on me heavily. In fact, that's what resides in my head the most right now. I am so extremely worried he has inherited my mental illness (I hate calling it that, but it is what it is). I think he may be where I was before I really understood what was happening to me. At first I really had no idea I was depressed. Just assumed it was a natural state of being. It did not occur to me until I was in such a deep dark hole that I barely made it out alive. I am terrified of this happening with my own children. This is an inherited thing, and not something I would wish even on my most bitter enemy. I don't discuss my condition with anyone. My more immediate family is aware, but I don't discuss it even with them. However, my mom, with the same concerns I have, was peppering me with questions yesterday. She wanted to know at what point I had noticed symptoms. She was trying to figure out if she had somehow failed somewhere, and I had to completely reassure her she did not. She also seemed to have the same misunderstanding most people have about clinical depression. She was wondering why my son might have it when he seems to enjoy friends, likes school, and is so incredibly intelligent, as well as has everyone that sees him in such a positive way. I had to explain that none of that matters when it comes to depression. it just is. Regardless of circumstances the chemical messages that screw up your brain are going to happen anyway and tell you that you are depressed. Even when you shouldn't be. I truly fear my son is depressed and doesn't yet know it. He is upset with my wife and I for making him seek counseling, but I so wish I had sought it before my own depression became so unbearable. It is a life threatening illness. And, I've noticed that the empathy of dealign with this in my own son has disturbed my own depression. The same images I can not control and the same thoughts have re-entered my mind. Memories of others I have known that have committed suicide. Fantasies of my own suicide. A small (not literal) voice in my head saying, "Just do it. It's alright. The suffering will be over." I explain it as a voice, but not a literal one. More of an impulse. I wish I could be of better help, but I don't have any great advice for coping with depression. I barely cope myself. I just know that professional help seems to be the only thing that promises hope in it. Prayer, yes. That too, but it doesn't make the bad brain function go away. We first need a sure diagnosis, and then medical treatment if necessary. I learned from my own experience not to trust a psychologist when they try to talk you out of the medical treatment. |
| The school year is well under way with already a couple of weeks having passed. My son is once again ill nearly every day. Last year, he missed so many days that he nearly did not get to move up to the next grade. Now, he is back at it. My first thought is that he is perhaps just trying to get out of school. However, I can smell the results, and it is most definitely real. Yet, the latest thing is that he is claiming that he is throwing up. There are no other signs of illness, such as fever, etc. We have had extensive testing done, and the only thing they could come up with is IBS. I do not want to be a cruel parent, but I am considering making him go to school even with the sick stomach (if he really has one). I think what is bothering more, though, is that there is some problem that is a little more below the surface, and he will not share it with me, assuming that he knows what it is himself. We have been desperately trying to get him into a new psychologist. The one we were using just didn't seem to be getting anywhere. He is addicted to computer games beyond what is normal, and that's why we started with the psychologist. Now, there is this sick thing that we have to get to the bottom of. This is his senior year. If we can't get to the bottom of it, either he will have to repeat this year, or he will suffer greatly next year when in college on his own. I feel both helpless and like a bad parent. The principal and his teachers are all thinking my wife and I are just letting him get away with skipping school. They do not see the same evidence that we do that he is really ill. I feel awful about it. |
| Most people have a family cookout for Labor Day weekend. I am having a cookout for (hopefully) hundreds in a sales event at my store. I have a 12 pound brisket, 2 4.5 pound pork butts, 35 hamburgers, and five pizzas (to charcoal bake). I made my own BBQ sauces. Well, I may be stretching quite a bit on the hundreds I'm hoping for, but a fella can dream. I've also got one of the popular radio stations doing a live remote broadcast. It is actually fun. I like to cook. That aside, what's really been on my mind and bothering me is some comments I read from Mike Rowe. I really like Mike. I enjoy his really humorous comments that he puts ion Facebook nearly every day. Some may not like his political views, but I really enjoy his humor. However, the other day he posted something of a more serious nature about the ALS ice bucket challenge. I understand many of his points, and all were well made. But, I'm hoping less rather than more people hold his views on the subject. In a nutshell, he posted that he refuses to take part because he sees charitable giving as a limited pie and that the influx of giving to ALS will come from other charities. He also believes the challenge to be some sort of way of pressuring people to participate and feel bad about it. He might have somewhat of a point of the pressure bit. It is a little bit of pressure, but come on. It's fun pressure, and the result of dumping an ice bucket over your head is pretty harmless for most people. I've done it, and it truly is not that bad. Surely the vast majority of Americans can stand to give something. $5 - $10 - something. Not everyone has to give. If you can't give, it can;'t be that big a deal to be cold for about 10 seconds. Secondly, charitable giving, while there may be some statistics to show the point in part, is not a zero sum game. Statistics can be misleading, and nearly always are to one extent or another. I'll bet dollars to donuts that there are people contributing to ALS that may not have contributed to anything else, and I'll bet the majority of people who made a contribution to ALS in addition to other contributions did not take money out of what they normally pay but rather paid more. Far too many people view things in terms of a zero sum game. There's just too much thinking out there that says if someone (even a charity) gets more money it has to come at the expense of someone else. It just isn't true. Another point Mr. Rowe seemed to make is that there are only 6,000 people affected by ALS each year, as compared to many thousands more for other diseases. So what! It doesn't mean that those people are somehow unworthy of charitable giving. We aren't asking government funding here. Just charity. My grandfather died from ALS. It was absolutely insidious! Not that other diseases are not, but I have come to tears over thinking about my grandfather to this day, and it happened over 30 years ago. It first attacked his arm muscles so that he no longer had function over his arms, then his legs. He was first bound to a wheelchair with someone having to push him. Very shortly thereafter, he lost function of other bodily muscles and became bedridden. Not long after that, the muscles to his major organs began to shut down. Finally, his lungs quit working and he suffocated to death. I can't imagine a more horrible way to go. Well, I suppose there are others at least equally bad, but suffocation is unimaginably awful. All of this occurred in a short period of time. Seems like I remember it being a matter of just a few months. I might be wrong about the length of time. I was very young, but I know the time was short. There is nothing wrong with people who want to use their own money to donate to a cause for people who suffer. No matter how small that group of people. |
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