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Adventures of the socially challenged! |
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I did not realize until later in life that I have difficulties forming relationships with other people, it sure explained a lot though. It's not like I had a horrible childhood or survived a tragic event, my childhood was classic as far as I can remember. I had a large family, summers filled with picnics and camping, a father that worked hard and a mother who made sure we were happy. There were bad times of course; one very messy divorce, one neighborhood tragedy, and two very embarrassing accidents that required hospital visits, but they are stories for another time. I never had very many friends in school and by the time I reached high school it was clear that I never would. I didn't know where I fit in and I was starved for attention. I would spread rumors about myself just to get any attention at all, the content of the attention did not matter merely as much as the attention itself. I tried hard to stay in school but it was a pointless effort, the harder I tried the worse my life got and I had flunked out of almost every class. I was relieved when I met my first real boyfriend, he gave me a way out of my mothers house and school. Big, big mistake but we are suppose to learn from our mistakes right, somebody forgot to give me that knowledge. so there I was, twenty-two years old with premature baby, living with my mother(again!). Don't get me wrong, I love my mother very much, but she is controlling. Living with her was like being under a microscope, constantly trying to justify why I am me. I started drinking a lot, if you wanted to find me I would usually be at Excaliburs, a bar marked by a gigantic knight in the front and motel in the back. I then met my now Fiancee there and most of those years are a blur. I wandered from place to place and job to job. I never kept friends for long and I can honestly say that I have no idea if it was my choice or theirs. the relationship would just fade away, leaving me alone again! In 2005, I met my ex-husband. What can I say about bikers? They stick together, one minute you're in, a part of the family, next you're out. It was crazy but fun. I Found that making friends was easy, they are open, honest people. My husband and I have two children. and since leaving him, I am out.... Through out all those years, my fiancée was always around, a constant in my life. Of course he wasn't my fiancée then, a friend with amazing benefits. No matter where I was, he made sure I was ok. Our relationship is not like that now, I think when to much happens between two people, there is no going back. As I watch my fiancée slowly fade away, I wonder if I am unlovable? If I caused all of this to protect myself, do I push people away on purpose? We had a beautiful daughter who readies herself for kindergarten as I write. It is scary to think of her out there, but I know she has her dad's charisma and outgoing personality. Looking at her I wonder how someone(me) filled with so much love can have so many issues in life. I have passion, creativity, and drive. But I lack the skills required to interact with people(except the guy at the bar who has been staring at me for two hours). I am left wondering if my creator forgot to install that part of my brain. As I wander back, regret follows me. If I made different choices I would not be here, not be broken. Is this everyone's fate? to wonder about the past, wondering if they would be in a different place. It is hard to counsel yourself, coming to realizations that have eluded you, being able to emerge a mentally stable person. |
| Learning to let go of the past means, to me, letting go of all the regrets that I carry. harboring hate and remembering the bad times is an issue that all people share. But how do I do this, how can I look at someone and not remember how they have wronged me, how they have hurt me? forgiveness is a difficult concept, being able to forget, forgive and move on is hard. putting myself out there is a step in the right directions. I have found another woman that I feel comfortable with, am able to talk to. She is not afraid to tell me how life is or what I am doing wrong. Through her I have realized that I stress over the little things and ignore the actual issues. She has issues of her own, but is still capable of putting them aside for the sake of others. I think of the times that someone has tried to reach out to me, tried to ask me for help and I ignored it, made it about me and not them. How can I be so wrapped up in my petty problems when someone is really suffering? My journey is just beginning, fixing myself also means helping those around me, those I love. I am a selfish person, changing that mindset requires tools that I may not have on my own. Listening to others, just listening is difficult for me. I take things to personally and tend to over talk everyone! can this be changed? |
| As school nears, my anxiety level rises, what will the other parents think of me? How much of me do put out there? Do I chance making a friend? The questions are endless and my nerves are twisted! I think the idea of trying to counsel myself was ludicrous, but this strange idea may be what changes me for the better. Epiphanies can be scary things, realizing that you are a certain way because of your inability to let go will certainly make you question all of your motives. I don't trust people because of the past, which is not fair to a person I just met, the skill to separate those that have hurt me from those who haven't eludes me. |
| There are no words to describe watching your baby sleep. School is right around the corner, and I worry, not about her, rather me. She will be little miss social, I will be in the corner trying not to be noticed. It strikes me as odd that I can so easily deal with certain people and others might as well be alien for all the sense they make to me. Being tolerant of other people is not something we are born with, it is taught and learned over our lives. Tolerance, I have found, is harder to obtain then patience. I can be patient, I cannot tolerate. How do you learn this, is it possible to teach yourself? |
| Living in the unknown, not knowing what will be is hell. As I sit here typing, I am dumbfounded by what a person is able to deal with. How do we survive tragedy and abuse? How can someone still function normally, hold a job, pay bills, interact with people, and not have the past chained to their ankle, begging us not to even chance getting hurt again. These are my issues, my downfall, The reason I cannot move forward. Does the rest of the world know a secret formula that allows them to overcome what holds them back? My fiancée has that ability, he never allows his past to rule his present. He is in control, it drives him crazy that I am not, that I don't function or think like he does. Being socially inept has severely defined my life. My inability to have a normal conversation with a person other then my fiancée aggravates me to no end. I could be dropped off in the most drug infested neighbor in NY and as soon as I open my mouth, I would walk away empty handed. |
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