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The muse driven blog of "Andre the Blog Monkey" |
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Andre the Blog Monkey's ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** BLOG
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| I'll start by saying, "shit" Some people wouldn't say shit if their mouth was full of it. This isn't even my blog, this is Andre the Blog Monkey's Blog, but Andre is in some voodoo village (somewhere on the continent of Africa) doing unspeakable things with dastardly people, so fuck him if he can't take a joke. I just feel like tossing some swears out there - You don't have to read this - You should though... It's all true. Okay, what people say to win arguments that I find irritating... easy! When people start quoting the Bible. "Really?" I say to them. Then I say, "Really? You're going to quote the Holy fricken Bible... You?! Don't forget... I know you. You haven't stepped foot in a church (unless it's for a funeral and why the person who died is having a church funeral is beyond explanation because they're going straight to fucking hell anyway) in your entire adult life. And you have the audacity to quote the bible." At this point, it doesn't even matter what the argument is about, the person lost, and will now be verbally abused into submission. I was going somewhere with this, but now I think I'm over it. I no longer feel the need to spew fuck bombs. Praise Jesus. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Made in Canada  |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ANDRE THE BLOG MONKEY'S BLOG On second thought, maybe it's not such a good idea to write all of my plans for the basement in my blog. What if somebody reads it? Naw, that would never happen!  Just in case anyone is batty enough to read this, I won't give up any details about the plan just yet. This, right here, looks like good place to set up a private office - a place where a monkey can be a monkey. I'll trick Brother Nature into clearing out all of these liquor bottles somehow, then I'll bring in some plumbing for the pools and some office furnishings. Now, the interesting thing is the hidden passageway I found when I moved all of these Blog Mob signs out of the area. I knew about the other rooms and the stuff left behind by the previous owners, but this passageway is new. Okay! I have to go see where this leads to. After-all, curiosity DOES run in my family. Maybe I'll leave this blog entry behind, just on the off chance that someone might wonder where I am and come looking for me. Yeah right! Like Brother Nature sent a search party out to look for me. That's a joke! He's probably too busy making paper hats for his whatever the hell he's making paper hats for. I'll pack these bottles of banana vodka in case I get lost...and here I go! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Fair Warning Andre the Blog Monkey has changed his blog rating from E to 18+ (I knew he wouldn't last being wholesome and tasteful) Andre the Blog Monkey clicked on the link for the website "See Dick Run." The website wasn't what he thought it would be, but that's the way Andre became friends with Dick. Dick was concerned about his sister Jane's mental health, she spent most of her days watching Dick run or watching their dog Spot jump. Dick discussed his concerns with his friend Andre the Blog Monkey, and Andre suggested that Jane should get out more, broaden her horizons. Dick and Andre made arrangements for Jane to meet Andre's cousin George. Jane wore pretty frilly dresses with big bright bows; She wore ribbons in her golden blonde hair. Jane spent most of her days watching her brother run and watching her dog jump, she also liked to skip and play. Jane loves Dick, so that is why she agreed to meet with George. George is a monkey, he's always curious, so much so, that people call him Curious George. Curious George lived with the man in the yellow hat. George lived an exciting life; He always tried to do the things his cousin Andre the Blog Monkey did. George learned how to write, ride a bike, fly a kite, he performed in a circus, visited the museum, and even flew into space once. The only thing George hadn't experienced, like his cousin Andre, was having a date with a pretty girl. (Andre is quite popular with the ladies) So, that's why George agreed to meet with Jane. Jane and George met at the world famous, Blogging Banana Bar located in cyber space in the domain of Writing Dot Com. The Banana Bar is a crazy sort of place full of Pandas, Dragons, Monkeys, Fairies, Elves, Writers, Poets, (even cinnamon flavored poets) Sports fans, Princesses and Princes, Thrill seeking lunatics, Curiosity lurkers, and all sorts of good folks from all parts of the world. It's the perfect place to bring a first date. Everyone is always welcome there, and you really can't do anything wrong there. After Dick and Andre introduced Jane and George to each other, they sat together at a table in the back of the bar-room. It was Charlie and Smitty's favorite table but they were both serving out their jail sentences for taking part in mob riots back in 2013. St. Peter's Pipers, (the house band at Andre's) - Made up of: Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimmy Hendricks [lead guitars] Bon Scott [lead vocals] Freddie Mercury [harmony] John Bonham [drums] and John Lennon [bass, keyboards, and who also writes all their music] were playing on stage. The place was packed, like the imagination of an autistic pot smoker with a multiple personality disorder. But, enough about The Banana Bar - let's eavesdrop on our young couple on their first date. "I wasn't expecting a monkey, no offence, but I assumed you would be human. I totally trusted my brother, as I always do. People say I have an un-natural fascination with Dick." George had a mouthful of peanuts which he had been greedily crunching on, he spit them out and sprayed soggy peanut crumbs all over the table as he talked. "That's what I heard about you. That's what made me curious about you. I'm pretty close to human, Andre and I are both imagined by humans." Jane brushed some soggy peanut crumbs off the lap of her pretty frilly dress, and sighed. "I'm not prejudiced in any way against monkeys. I'm imagined by a human as well. I'm a little envious, because you and Andre are imagined so much more creatively than I. You've had so many exciting adventures, and Andre owns this outrages banana bar. I spend all my days wearing pretty dresses, while watching spot jump and looking at Dick." George was washing down another mouthful of peanuts with a tall glass of banana flavored vodka, he spilled the remaining vodka onto Jane's lap when he unsuccessfully put his glass down on the table. Vodka soaked peanut crumbs sprayed out of his mouth directly at Jane, as he spoke. "Hopefully hanging out here with me will take your mind off Dick for awhile!" "That's not very likely! Dick is right over there, at the bar. He's drinking vodka with Andre. Dick never drinks vodka. See Dick drink?" "Yes I do. Drink Dick drink." "Oh no! Dick is going to be sick; He's running to the bathroom. Run Dick run!" Just then, Molly Mugginsworth the dreaded, evil health inspector and her gang of grumpy old ladies burst into the monkey bar and yelled, "Everybody out! I'm shutting this banana bar down for health violations and breaching the anti Panda dancing bylaws." "I guess this is the end of our date, Jane." "Thank God! I hope it's the end of this blog entry too." "Yes it is Jane; It's time to go. Go Jane go." ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Made in Canada |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ANDRE THE BLOG MONKEY'S BLOG This is the sort of thing I like. A nearly wide open prompt, and no Brother Nature around to censor my every word. Another thing I like is that - I don't have to write an entry everyday. That way I can monkey around and celebrate to the max, as I tend to do, I don't even need a reason. Is it Friday? Let's celebrate! Being that I'm an imaginary character, I can get away with things that physically existing characters (IE human life forms) can not do. For example: I can tie my tail in a knot, dip it in your drink, suck the alcohol out of it, (my tail, I mean) then wring the remaining liquid back into your glass before you even notice. There's another reason to celebrate! I can certainly blab on and on about nonsense and such, but I do have a bit of news to share. You may know that I have a Monkey Bar here on WDC, it's called Andre the Blog Monkey's Blogging Banana Bar. Anyhow I am getting a commissioned merit badge, it should be ready to distribute in the next couple of days. There are a few people who have already earned one, by participating or hosting in previous challenges, but I'd like more people to have one of these (one of a kind) merit badges. So, I'll be giving them out randomly throughout the month of December to any other muses who come out and inspire creativity and good spirited celebrations this month by writing and posting blog entries, and commenting and reading the other muses blog entries. That's about all I have for now, but I'll be around all month while Brother Nature takes some time off. I'll see ya around. I'm going to go check what's in the fridge, and the liquor cabinet. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ANDRE THE BLOG MONKEY'S BLOG Blog prompt for October 9, 2015 What's on your favorite sandwich? Do you prefer enjoying it in silence, or while reading, or with company? I may have mentioned earlier, that my favorite food is banana on banana bread sandwiches. I don't think I mentioned that Brother Nature is a pretty good cook. He told me that the first thing he learned how to cook was ketchup sandwiches, back when he was just a tailless chimp. I learnt myself to make banana on banana bread sandwiches, but I get too much hair, and stuff mixed into the goop. I like it better when Brother Nature makes them for me. I don't have to pull hairs and different things out of my mouth and wipe my fingers on the sofa or whatever. You probably wouldn't know this, and I should say something like: "Don't try this at home." (but, go ahead and give it a try!) Eating ANYTHING, while hanging upside down from your tail, is the best way EVER to eat. All of the crumbs and slops fall to the floor, so you don't get your fir all yucky. Well, time for lunch.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ANDRE THE BLOG MONKEY'S BLOG Blog prompt for October 8, 2015 If you need a break just from being yourself, how do you relax? Hmm... Good question. Relaxing is really more a state of mind, than a state of body. I'm never more relaxed than when I'm going totally bananas. Of course I can't be going totally bananas all the time, Brother Nature has put a permanent ban on going totally bananas indoors, due to the expensive breakage of stuff, and the high cost of clean up. I love going on totally bananas vacations, but I have more civilized ways to relax around the house. Brother Nature is always, "Don't do this, and don't do that." He's like, "Don't touch that, and hey! you're making a mess!" Brother Nature likes things nice and neat, unbroken, and hygienic, this makes it hard for me to relax while he's around. When I'm home alone, I'm most relaxed. One of my favorite ways of relaxing is poking my finger into things in the refrigerator. Brother Nature's favorite cherry jello is the best. I just love the way it's all jiggly and everything. Left-over mashed potatoes are good too. I'll stand there for hours sometimes; poking my finger in this, then squishing a plastic bag of bread or fruit. After awhile I try to smooth things out with my tail so Brother Nature doesn't freak out, when he opens the fridge. Nothing beats going totally bananas though. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ANDRE THE BLOG MONKEY'S BLOG Blog prompt for October 7, 2015 What's your morning routine like between the time you wake up and the time you first leave the house for your day? Leave my house for the day? Are you kidding me? Why would I want to leave my house? This is where everything is. Well, there's outside, and I guess there's stuff out there too, but I'm not your typical swing from the tree branches all day sort of monkey. I have a human friend, (Brother Nature) who imagined me to be a blog monkey, so I have a lot to do right here at home. The first thing I do in the morning is think of ways to annoy Brother Nature. I usually come up with one or two new ones a day, but the old ways continue to amuse me too. I like pretending to pick insects off of my hairy arms, then look at them for a minute or two, then eat them. I do this until Brother Nature says, "Alright already! I'll make you a banana on banana bread sandwich!" Then I have breakfast. I'm normally home alone in the mornings, this is the time I spend working on Brother Nature's blog entries. I fix his spelling mistakes, and correct his grammar. I add a lot of content to his entries, otherwise they would be unbearably boring. I also have a business to run, but mostly, I just monkey around. My mornings are quiet and relaxing. After Brother Nature and his wife leave, I enjoy a long soak in the tub, I drink the last of their coffee, and the odd time I'll use Brother Nature's toothbrush to brush my teeth, and comb my hair. Now I'll have these blog entries to write in the morning, so my routine is always changing. Bye for Now! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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