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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| Wow! It has been a while since the last time I blogged. Don't want to give a recap of my year, though I may a little later on; I just want to talk about right now. Right now my mind is racing. I don't know why it does this as it never seems to get anywhere, it just circles around and around like an eternal spinning top. However it does succeed in driving me crazy. The thoughts that spin are all the same.There are never any new ones, they just variate from time to time, a tornado of fears and self deprecation tearing at my gut and soul. Having this condition for a good part of my life one would think I'd get used to it, but one would be wrong. Among the flurry in my mind are fears of losing my job. It is a real possibility for reasons I do not wish to get into. It is not because of some deeply personal reason for not divulging this information, it is just that I do not wish to go over them again. Suffice it to say it is mainly because of my own doings and my procrastination that I have these fears, nonetheless there is a probable chance that this time next month I may be unemployed. This realization has placed me in a state of perpetual panic, which in turn feeds the storm controlling my brain. Another irrational fear which is not at all an improbability, is facing the ugly fact that I may never be a part of a couple or a marriage and am doomed to face the rest of my life alone. At my age, I have already lived a good part of it. From this point on all that seems to be awaiting me is working until near death, and being unable to enjoy a retirement because of health issues which do promise to be worse as I age. I am beyond tired, depressed, or anguished. I have reached the state of beloved indifference which is also a fright to me because the way I feel now if anything good did happen to come my way, I wouldn't have the inclination or gumption to revel in it's joy. Would I even recognize joy if it did come to me? I am tired of describing in great, grim detail what my depression and anxiety has put me through, I suppose I am very exhausted from its effects. Anti depressants don't seem to be helping, nor the counseling though I will not give up on either of them. And I am turning to God and being accepting of Him just to be in my life, but I am not expecting any miracles. Still I do not feel that fire in my belly urging me to rise above my situation. I feel more like lying on my back and submitting to my impending doom, like a subservient dog will to its alpha. I only hope they(depression and anxiety) don't eat me ; My friend Jimbob assures me they won't. |
| Okay so this is how I brought in 2018, head stuck in a puke bucket at 10:30 pm new years eve because I mixed too many drinks. I was out cold as of midnight, and spent most of yesterday in bed nursing a hang over. Nature has welcomed the new year with freezing temperatures and icicles hanging inside my storm door. Our home sounds like the inside of a waterfall because we have to keep the water lines running to prevent frozen and burst pipes; So every faucet I have is turned on and running a small stream of water, which I am sure will wreak a little havoc with next month's water bill, but it is better than a burst pipe. That can happen when temperatures get down below zero as they did last night. I am talking to somebody I met online. He wants to meet which I don't have a problem with, but he lives a couple of hours away, which I do. I am not really leery of going to meet him just cautious because I don't know what to expect. He sounds nice on the phone but that means nothing. Anyway we were talking about tentatively meeting this weekend. So we will see how that goes. Not real sure about this online dating business, but where else besides a bar do you meet someone when you work all night and sleep most of the day? I am tired of being alone and I already let him know that I am not looking for a hook up and he still wants to talk so I suppose that is a good sign. I spent today taking my Christmas decorations down. I think I need therapy because I was in town earlier today, and saw the Valentines decorations up in the stores. I seriously contemplated buying some. This past fall I bought both Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations. I am afraid I may become one of those people who decorates all year round. This isn't a bad thing; My sister Janey liked to decorate her house all year round. I know that part of my compulsion is a way of honoring her memory, but still...Where would I put them once I took them down. My closet is already stuffed. Still I keep thinking of pink and red decorations for Valentines followed by green for St. Patty's Day. I don't know, maybe... I sure do hope my car starts tomorrow. It does not like the cold weather. I have a new battery but the way the temps have been in Kentucky lately, my new battery still freezes. Thinking about new years one always comes to the dreaded resolution phase which we emphatically proclaim but hardly do we ever follow through. My resolution is quite simple this year. I want to get out from under a loan I keep refinancing. It won't take a lot if I use my taxes to help pay the bulk of it off. I truly do not want anything more than that this year. If I can get that loan paid off then I will have a little extra each month and perhaps when the holidays roll around again I won't be quite so broke. Anyway that is what is on my mind this second day of the new year. Hope your new year brings prosperity, health and joy. |
| WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF STICKY KEYS???Accidentally turned them on went off like a fire cracker. Why in the fuck do you need a sticky key feature on your laptop? It is a stupid feature. Cannot deal with stupidity; Quota is filled up! BILL GATES YOUR OS SYSTEMS SUCK!!!!!GET RID OF THIS FEATURE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND USES IT!!!!! |
| Okay enough with the lamenting about death and holidays and the ranting over being dumped via text. In the midst of my angst I feel as though all the griping and complaining is just making my depression worse, so against every fiber in my being telling me to curl up into a ball until the holidays have passed, I am going to try something different this year. I am going to embrace Christmas and do my best to get into the spirit. I am not going to let my anxiety keep me paralyzed and my depression keep me comatose. I am going to make a Merry Christmas if it kills me, and I will not surrender to the ever present gray swirl of melancholia. I have been in mourning for the past nine years over Christmas and I am tired. Since my life is still on going I need to step up and out and take participation in it. I sat in my car the other morning as I returned home from work and cried for an hour wondering why and how and what...I can't do anything about them all being gone. And I can't go on in this limbo somewhere between life and death while still taking very real very tangible breaths. I am tired. I am exhausted and I am not ready, despite my depression trying so hard to drag me completely under, to quit living. In fact I really want to start living again. I want to feel again I want to enjoy my life again without survivor's guilt or deep debilitating grief. So right now I am going to log off of WDC and go watch Netflix with my daughter. It's a start. |
| Alright you want to know why I get depressed and get such a negative attitude? It is definitely because of people. I mean really, why can't people just be real? I am so fucking mad right now and here is why. In September I was approached by a friend of mine to go on a blind date with someone who saw my Facebook and thought I was the "Bees Knees". Not making it up it is true. Being mostly a recluse because of my very important night time position as a machine operator in a tape factory, and general boredom I agreed to the date. The day before my big date tragedy engulfed my family when my nephew-in-law was killed in an auto accident. I was going to cancel, wasn't really feeling in the mood to go out and have a good time was seriously still in shock and trying to be there for my niece who of course was distraught; but still I went at the urging of her and her sister who both reminded me of how alone I was and maybe this could be my soul mate. Finally my niece got me when she pleaded, "Do it for me and Daniel." Well how could I call it off then? We had just lost Daniel, so I went on this date. Let me set the scene and tone of this date. It was originally supposed to be a double date, me and this guy, and my friend and this guy's son. My friend is sort of an adopted daughter. When she asked me if I would consider it her older brother piped up and said, "I want to go. I gotta see how all this plays out." So my double blind date actually consisted of me and the guy, her and his son and her brother. That Friday I messaged her and asked if the date was still on and she said yeah if I was up to it, by then everyone had heard about my nephews death. The only thing is that the guy's son couldn't make it so it ended up being me, the guy, her, and her brother on this blind date. We go to the local watering hole where he sits there talks to her about work and sips a beer. Who sips beer? I kept waiting for him to offer to buy me one but no that didn't happen. You know who bought me the beer? She did. She bought my beer all night, which I guess would have been fine if she were my date but I really think he should of bought my drinks. If that makes me a sexist so be it! For any guys who may be reading this it is most definitely up to you to pay for the date. Put up a little effort. Show the girl you are interested. Make her feel wanted. I can go out with my girlfriends anytime and split a bill but if I am on a date with you then you better be prepared to pay for my dinner and drinks and any other thing that may come up. I didn't let this bother me at the time because this guy was working as a temp at the company I work for and I knew he wasn't making a lot of money, so instead of saying, Okay it was an okay evening but I don't think you get it," I gave him the benefit of a doubt. "Give the guy a break Sandy. It's just one date. He doesn't even know you. Stop being such a bitch and see who he is." So that night I didn't let that bother me. We had a good time. In fact it was such a good time I asked him to come home with me. A mistake I know and I knew it was a mistake while I was doing it but as usual with me when matters of sex come up I didn't care. It had been too long since I had been with anyone and the sex aside it felt good just to be with someone, snuggling and cuddling, I really miss that. So for a while I thought we were getting along fine. Our schedules didn't match up to well but we worked around it. But we never really went anywhere. In fact one night while I worked he went out. I mean it just was off to me. We should go out together right? It was to the point where I was making all the effort. I was the one going to see him. He stopped wanting to come out here, even though we texted all the time and he said love you, we just never saw each other or went anywhere. Then I came down with a nasty case of bronchitis which lead to a nasty nasty sinus infection of which I am still suffering. I went home early from work one night we were supposed to get together the next night, but I was sick. Even when we were working we would still text each other. We had to do it through Facebook messenger because I couldn't pay my phone bill, but still I texted and I just got silence that whole weekend. I was sick and exhausted and tried to reach out to him but got silence instead. Let me tell you about this illness. I have been to the doctor twice, been through two rounds of antibiotics and steroids and right now at this writing I cannot talk because there is so much mucus in my throat. My head hurts and when I cough I cannot stop. I coughed for two hours yesterday morning when I got home from work. To say I am feeling ill is an understatement, so I even though I kept telling myself. He is ghosting you" I wouldn't believe it. I know I sound like a baby but I wanted comfort. A gesture would have done wonders for the way I feel. A quick trip over here with chicken soup or something or just a message telling me he was thinking of me, but none of that just silence. Then after not hearing anything from him in almost a week he sends me a text saying."It is not you it is me. I don't know what is wrong but I don't want to be in a relationship with anybody right now. I need to figure out some things for myself..." Well you know the rest. He unfriends me from Facebook, the whole nine yards. I sent him a reply telling him good luck and don't waste my time. Then a few days later he adds me back on Facebook only so I can see where he is talking to someone else. So I blocked him. I don't know what makes me madder the fact that that he broke up with me via Facebook Messenger using the old it is not you it is me speech, or that he unfriended then friended me again just to show me he was talking to other women or that he even said he loved me in the first place? How can you tell someone, "If I say something or do something then I mean it... then turn around and break up over a text? Maybe I am mad because he decided to do this when I am so damn sick I can't even get out of bed. I don't want anyone to accuse me of making snap judgments just because someone looks a certain way, so I give someone a chance even though taking one look at him I had a feeling he would be a loser and I was right. What 50 year old breaks up with someone via text? He doesn't even have the decency as a human being to do it face to face? This is why I hate men. They just use you and leave you. If you are dating me or want a relationship with me you have to wine me, dine me, sweep me off my feet! Show me that you think I am worth the effort and I will show you you are. You have to make me feel special even when I am dying of sinusitis treat me with respect. You have to understand the art of conversation. When I ask you a question I want more than one word answers. Bottom line if you are not going to put in any effort neither am I. And he wasn't putting in any effort. Now I am alone again, sick and ready to give up. Fuck you Mike Brown and your whole kind! You are beneath me and you do have to pay for the date! Retard! |
| These last few weeks have been filled with tremendous tragedy and happiness for my family. Our family experienced a profound tragedy because my niece's husband and soul mate of the past 28 years died unexpectedly in a car accident. He left a hole in her heart that will probably never heal. He left behind my niece and their three sons, the youngest of whom is only 12. My niece (Miki) has been stalled in her own grief trying to be there for her son. His dad was his world and he is having tremendous trouble accepting and dealing with the fact that his dad is gone. Her older two sons are grown, but still mourning over their dad. Daniel was a good man, a good husband, a good father, a good brother, a good son and a good friend. He was many things to many people and he will be missed. His death as I stated was unexpected and took us all by surprise and yet in the midst of the grief, we had the opportunity to celebrate as his oldest son married one month after his father's death. It was so wonderful to gather for a happy occasion and witness this lovely young couple pledge the rest of their lives to each other. I myself wiped a tear from my eye as I saw that little dark haired boy standing as a beautiful young man. professing his love to the love of his life. My God where has the time gone? Our little family experienced some drama when my granddaughter flipped in an old Radio Flyer wagon and broke her collar bone. She is fine but the whole experience has frazzled my daughter, who has been extremely anxious since she broke it. My granddaughter is healing fine she has been in a sling for the past few weeks but she is getting better each day. This week coming up is her 5th birthday so we have all been running around trying to get her birthday presents and decorations. As usual her mother and I have gone a little overboard, but I think she will be happy. Also Halloween is coming up on the 31st so we have that to look forward to. And last but not least I have been seeing someone. We had our first date the day after my nephew-in-law died. It was a blind date and I wasn't going to keep it but my niece made me go. I am glad I did. We are taking it slow hanging out and just kind of seeing where things go. Go me... The past few weeks have been filled with both unbelievable sadness and joy. The only word I can think of to describe it is bittersweet... |
| You know it is one thing to know something but something completely different to understand something. Abuse is like that. I know abuse because I have gone through it but I never really understood it. I never understood why people who are family, friends or lovers proclaim their love for you then do everything in their power to destroy you mentally, emotionally and physically. You really do come to believe your own worth is less than zero, and that you will never know anything different because you are not deserving of anything different. You really do come to believe that it is because of you, that there is something inherently wrong with you that just brings out the worst in people and yourself. This is something you know... Understanding this is totally different, and you may not ever understand your abuse until you see the same scenarios you have had a starring role in being played out in someone else's life. Then you begin to see that it is not you. That you do not make people crazy, that you are worth more than the bottom of someone's shoe or the back of someone's hand. And that it is not your fault. This epiphany came to me as I sat and binged on Netflix documentaries tonight, and saw the exact same symptoms, and scenes I had gone through myself being demonstrated by different women who had gone through the same thing. And I realized the sickness was not mine but my abusers' carried out through every verbal battery, every physical blow , and every psychological manipulation. I knew things were not right but I always took the blame for them because I believed what I was told about myself and how I was treated. But what I didn't understand was this was not true, not unique and not grounded in anything more than the other persons' need to be in power over me. I was a victim in different aspects of my life, and I saw a very scary pattern through this realization. I seem to seek out these types of relationships. Almost every relationship I have been in has been abusive in one form or another, and while the actual carrying out of the abuses against me were not my fault, my seeking this same type of person over and over again was. I feel a little empowered understanding this, for now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that love would never change these individuals; and I was not a failure for giving up on relationships which were not going to to lead anywhere but eventually to my own grave. There is also something a little unsettling hearing words coming from someone else's mouth that I heard before. Words that I myself had said before... Tonight I took a walk in someone else's shoes, and the shocking thing was that they fit me. |
| Been a while but I am still here still kicking. I think my writing muse is on permanent vacation for I I haven't had anything to write about in a while. Life is it's usual blah, Not much to it except working and sleeping which seems to be the compass of my life right now. Days blend into each other without definition or design. They mesh into a vague beige blend, nothing beautiful or extravagant just always the same. Routines vary little if at all and I sometimes find myself taking alternative routes to work just to shake the day up a little. I try to keep things spontaneous by not thinking about which way to go until I am on my way, thus insuring the spontaneity of the action. Sometimes I will drive almost all of the gas out of my car just to make a simple trip to the gas station an adventure. That is me living on the edge...of monotony. Sometimes at work I will work through my breaks because I do not want to deal with down time even if just for 15 minutes. I contemplate what I should do on my days off then do nothing because I cannot decide what I want to do. And then at times I do have a clear cut idea of what I would like to be doing, but I do nothing because I am usually broke. I will sometimes listen to the birds chirping early in the morning, either sitting on my porch or on my way home from work. As I listen I ponder why they have to make such a racket so early in the morning. I do the same thing at night when the frogs and crickets are singing at the top of their lungs and legs. Things that used to hold beauty escape me anymore and I find myself more and more not caring about the world around or the small things that make life so damn magnificent. If I had my way I would stay in bed and sleep until I was fully awake and quite content to stay that way. That means I probably would never get up. I am beyond bored, and tired, and lonely. I simply just do not care anymore about anything. I just don't care... |
| It is really early Friday morning and here I am updating my blog. Don't know what to write. I am still in a rut, still feeling a little down, still broke. I guess I was just tired of seeing all those reminders in my email to update my blog. I assure you as soon as something worth writing happens in my life I will blog away. Until then, I guess I will just drop a line or two here and there. |
| I am so pissed right now, I was writing beautiful prose full of witty banter about growing up in the summertime in the 70s, and lost it all. I hate that , you get on a roll you know it is good, and then poof gone. Sometimes writing with pen and paper is much better than using these insipid electronic devices even if they are called notebooks! I had some good stuff in there too. Recollections of playing in the mud and catching fire flies. Memories of my dad punching holes in old mayonnaise jar lids so we could capture these bugs and keep them captive for a couple of days. I remember sitting mine on the table next to my bed and watching it light up every night,until of course the poor flies died. I also made a valid point of us staying out all day and not coming in til the street lamps flickered on, and of not being electronically connected to our not so overprotective parents, as they always yelled for us when we were needed. I left out the part about hearing the melodious tunes coming from the Good Humor truck 6 blocks away and rushing up to my dad's room to grab a handful of change so I could get my Chocolate Fudgical fix. It was all much better written than this but you get the idea. Nowadays I would never consider letting my four year old grand daughter go outside by herself to play in the yard. And that to me is so sad. It seems that all the perverts who have blatantly taken children right out from under the noses of unassuming adults have ruined such a magical piece of childhood for all kids. I am not one who is overtly overly protective of my grand daughter, but I am cautious. And because I will do whatever it takes to ensure her safety, she is being robbed of her first taste of independence, for neither me nor her parents are very far from her side in whatever she is doing, and while I admit 4 is a little young to venture outside without constant supervision, I don't see the scenario changing as she gets older. Yes there will come a time when we let her venture out on her own but not without a cell phone fully loaded with the latest GPS app. It is a shame we have to parent like this in the 21st century, but society's inability to keep us safe from real live boogie men has given us no choice. When I was a child you had a whole neighborhood of people who would all look after the kids, nowadays you barely even speak to your neighbors. Community has been evicted because of distrust, and of course our own obsessions with living life on social media instead of making proper human connections. In a way we have hijacked our own lives through wifi. The innocence of summer is long gone and now here we are in the George Jetson century, too afraid to let our kids be the explorers we once were. I ask you is this any better than the good ol' days? I will answer that question; no my friend, no. |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
