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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| And so begins my long weekend. It actually started yesterday but seeing as how I worked Thursday night and slept all day Friday, today is the official start of my Memorial Day weekend. Why do people always ask if I have any plans for such holidays? The answer is always going to be no! Too broke to do anything more than just be off the extra day from work. My grand-kid just learned a new word, seriously. She uses it as a question in response to something she finds stupid. Seriously? I also should stop spouting politics around her for she seems to think Donald Trump is synonymous with the Boogie Man. Sometimes I question my daughter's judgement in leaving her daughter unsupervised with me. I don't care she is a funny kid and just like her mother and grandmother she is harboring all the right potential for a sarcastic smart ass. Work is so slow right now. We usually are strong into overtime but not this year, which is creating major suckage on my paycheck. This is why I am perennially broke this year. God I hope we pick up during the summer, I don't know how much more time I can spend with my family before I snap and start eating sidewalk chalk. Oh yeah our insane cat had 5 kittens. The aroma pervading my house is exquisitely toxic. We got rid of one, hopefully the others will be gone soon. I love my pets but I am satisfied with not having a house full of them. Still depressed just not as bad as last couple of entries, my birthday was really hard for me this year. I will turn 50 with no problem but turning 48 almost killed me. I have always lost it on odd birthdays, like 23 was devastating, 25 I was okay. Turned 30 without a hitch, but 32 I lost my mind. Forty was devastating, not because of being forty but because that was the year I lost my mom and oldest sister, followed the next year with my middle sister. That's me in a nutshell this week. Nothing new going on just trying to keep it all together. |
| Sorry about the post from the other day. I was feeling rather down. Still am if truth be known but here it is 4 in the morning on the day I was born. I suppose it won't officially be my birthday until 3:20 later this afternoon but it still is my birthday. I was thinking about the the potential existence of a Multiverse. Just wondering if all the other Sandys whose birthdays' are today as well, are doing better than me or could it be possible that life sucks in all of them? And then which scenario is better a universe where I am the only Sandy living the equivalent of utter suckage on a more or less daily basis; or that there are multiple Sandys out there in different universes living a better version of life than I am? Though part of me would rather just be the only one unique and flawed, there is a certain relief that another better functioning version of me could be living a better life. Maybe I am just fucked in the head. Anyway Happy Birthday to me(s). |
| Heartburn. Why does it always feel like you imagine a heart attack would feel? I guess I should not have eaten so much chocolate cake for Mother's Day. Been particularly depressed this week. Double whammy Mother's Day and birthday both in the same week. I feel insignificant and old. Yes my family made me dinner and my daughter sat up till after midnight last night just to wish me a happy Mother's Day, and my son-in-law cooked a wonderful meal. But I still feel depressed. I am off most of this week and it is a good thing as I can't seem to pull myself out of bed. Thursday is my birthday. Just another reminder that I am old, washed up, and burnt out. I am so lonely and depressed right now I can't stand it. Broke as usual so even if I wanted to do something for my birthday I can't. Been living vicariously on Facebook and Twitter, more so on FB. So far the highlight of my weekend has been watching crappy horror movies on Netflix. Haven't been keeping this thing up because my life is so damn blah...Nothing interesting .It just sucks! S U C K S! Really really do not like my life at all! Sorry for all you believers out there God doesn't help! I don't even think he cares. I suppose His way is to let a whole bunch of us fall through the cracks, broken and alone. Hate my job! Hate my job! Hate my job! And no I am not thankful I have one! It is just another in a long succession of total, shitty, crappy, bullshit jobs! Just hate everything, but most of all this shitty crappy life. |
| Don't know what is wrong with me looks like I am back to sleeping all the time again. Had this problem a couple of months ago. I just can't seem to wake up. I need another doctor, told him about this problem in February and he didn't seem to listen. Now it has been two days and I have been in bed the better part of both of them. IDK what is wrong I just feel drained of energy and cannot seem to stop sleeping. Maybe the night shift is finally getting to me. Maybe I need the rest. I have been going full steam for a few weeks now, haven't really had much "down time." Hoping the depression is not creeping back up on me. I don't really feel down just really really drained. |
| I surely have been neglecting my blog. However it is not because I have been in a funk, usually I write more when I am in a funk. The weather has been nice and I have been enjoying spending time on the front porch and in the yard. I have already cut the grass twice with my new lawn mower that my neighbor and co-worker gave me, we had a good Easter with my grand kid and of course I have been working, still in a factory, still at night. Hadn't been on the site for awhile and a majority of my email had to do with updating my blog, so here it is. I have been feeling better, less depressed more alive and dare I say more happy? Last month when my taxes finally came back I bought myself some new underwear. I know this might sound silly but I actually felt better about myself when I bought them. I don't know why but I guess because I always wait until they are falling apart before I will buy any new ones. The point being I didn't really need them but I bought them anyway, for me. I also got my hair cut and love my new cut. It is short, easy to manage and style. I actually spend more time styling it then I did my long hair. I have over the last year lost about 30 pounds and am feeling better about myself, I feel as though I was hiding in my hair and fat now I feel like I am emerging. I am feeling more and more like my old self and I actually forgot how much I liked that person. I know these are just little things but they are making positive changes in my attitude toward myself. I am not saying I am through with the depression because if truth be known I was through with it years ago. It just never seems to be through with me, but I take these good days and cherish them. I am not naive enough to think that I am over my depression, I have never had that pleasure in life, but it just does not seem as intense as it has been in the past. I am feeling like a new me is coming out, but in actuality it is really the old me that I have been holding at bay and not letting surface for the past several years. Not exactly the person I was before I lost my family, but a better more improved version of her. This is what God can do to you and for you. He takes you from your darkness and shines His light on you and you become iridescent in His illumination. I suppose a good part of this phoenix in me is due to coming to terms with the deaths of my mother and sisters and deciding to live my life even though they are gone. It is in a way a tribute to them because I know none of them want me to stop living my life just because theirs have come to an end. It is also a necessity for myself because I cannot just stop living. I need to live a full life. Full of love and laughter and fun, and not hinder myself with guilt because they are no longer living theirs. YOLO. You are only here for a short time. I feel as though I owe it to myself to be happy. Not just for the sake of their memories but because I deserve to be. I don't know how long this feeling is going to last but for as long as it does I am going to get as much out of my life as I can. I am really enjoying the new old me. |
| Well last night we survived severe thunderstorms and tornado watches and today it is cold and rainy. This is the screwiest weather. Yesterday afternoon it was sunny and beautiful and warm. My daughter, granddaughter, and I went into the next town to get my granddaughter an Easter dress and shoes, and to get lunch. It was warm enough for shorts and no jackets and when we got home it was so hot in the house I had to turn the air on. Then last night we got hit with some nasty rainy weather and the temperature dropped. It went from one extreme to the next in less than 24 hours. Everything was alright, except for the tornado sirens going off in town. That was a little alarming. And then people started leaving the trailer park, which made me wonder where all the shelters were around here. I tried to google them but all that came up were people who made storm porches and shelters. Not exactly what I was looking for. Anyway within an hour the worst parts of the storm had passed on through leaving a trail of debris and a little damage here and there. We were fortunate in that all we had was a little wind and rain. It just boggles my mind how fast the weather changes and yet I can see a correlation between the changing of the weather and the changing of my moods. Both of them seem to be executed without rhyme or reason. Both of them go from one extreme to the next without hardly any warning . At least the weather has NOAA and Doppler Radar to give us a heads up. My moods seem to change in the blink of an eye sometimes and not even I have any warning. Yesterday I felt well and alive and in joy, today just blah. Not really depressed not really happy just in the grays. I am so tired of sitting around doing nothing, yet when faced with the challenge of getting out of the house, I am at a loss as to where to go and what to do. I can't wait till next month when I have some vacation time coming. What I want to do is get away for a bit. Hopefully I can, but then again even if I have the means it doesn't mean I will. It all has to do with where my mood is. What extreme will I be in? Guess I will just wait and see... |
| Been a while since my last blog. Not much happening but I did get a haircut Monday. Yesterday I took a road trip with my oldest niece to get her son. Today I rearranged my living room. Right now I am watching Supergirl on Netflix. Like I said nothing really going on. |
| I am so damn tired and over Wal-Mart! I know I look younger than my age but I also know I don't look 18 years old! I went to Wal-Mart this afternoon to pick up a few things and a also get a pack of cigarettes for someone. They would not sell them to me because I did not bring my id in with me. I was not going to walk out to the car and walk back to show them proof that I was almost 50 years old! Pissed me off! I know I should feel flattered that I am being carded at this age but I buy beer there all the time and no one cards me but for a pack of cigarettes? I just can't stand it when people don't use their COMMON SENSE! Yes they have a company policy, I understand that but I also understand that if someone looks old enough to buy beer they should look old enough to buy cigarettes! I went there for the convenience and was inconvenienced by stupidity! If I had a premium membership I would post a picture of myself right now and let you decide whether or not I look too young to buy a pack of smokes! Still aggravated! |
| TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK sounds the clock in my head. It is nearly 2:30 am where I live and here I sit in the middle of the night doing what I always do every other Friday morning at this hour. I await the the time when my pay shows up in my ever starving bank account. Then I make a middle of the night run to the local gas station to fill up my car and buy junk food. This is a thing with me because I am usually flat broke by the time my check comes in. It is my ritual. I usually take my daughter with me on these middle of the night raids. Her boyfriend and daughter are fast asleep but she, like her mother, is usually wide awake. Being a night owl runs in our family. Right now we are huddled in my room both of us awaiting the magic time when 3M's bank releases funds to my bank and I can begin another cycle of bill paying and grocery shopping. TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK... Ahh...The magic hour approaches! |
| I got my porch back together today. I have been waiting all winter for the big snow and it never came. Now winter has become spring and I feel the need to sit on my porch, so I put all the porch furniture back up and am enjoying a slightly cool afternoon sitting in my favorite spot. The house is a wreck, but the porch is fine. So what should I write about today? The birds chirping? The animals enjoying a day outside? The sun that keeps hiding behind passing clouds? Everything is so peaceful and dare I say normal today. Just a relaxing spring afternoon. It makes me wonder how can there be anything wrong anywhere on such a lovely day? And yet I am pulled from my revery thinking about the what happened in London yesterday. I am sure it was a normal lovely spring day over there also. Everything was normal and then the attack. How can we live in a world so full of violence and hatred and not do anything? That is the trouble with being American. We become to complacent in our lives. As long as the world is not knocking on our back doors we tend not to think about how bad things really are and how vulnerable we really are. How do you fight terrorism abroad when you let it lay dormant and unmolested at home? We think here in the states ISIS and the Taliban are the only terrorists we have to deal with, but what about our own terrorist organizations, like the KLU KLUX Klan, and the Neo Nazis? They are all still here and still active. No one has done anything to disarm or abolish them. What about Black Lives Matter, and the Black Panthers? Groups that masquerade as as just causes but only insight violence and hatred. Don't believe me? Then why did the Black Lives Matter group barricade the entrance to the presidential inauguration? Why do these groups riot and destroy property? In their own neighborhoods? Why is the KKK free to keep having rallies and marching into small towns across the south? A lot of these organizations have been in power for many years and we cannot combat them. My question is how do we expect to protect ourselves and the world from the growing threat of ISIS when we cannot protect ourselves from our own hate groups here in America? On a day such as this with the echos children playing and birds singing how can hate raise its ugly disgusting head anywhere in God's creation? And why do we let it? As a human being my sole purpose I truly believe, is to live my life with love and respect for my fellow man. I believe to the core of me that is what the Gospel was trying to tell us. But this world we live in, who rejects light and embraces darkness at every turn, makes that simple commandment the hardest thing in your life to do. I don't want to hate anybody, but the things I see and experience set my heart up for hatred. It is a struggle to keep from giving in to it. The sad thing is we think this is the world but I see it as much bigger than mankind. Yes we (mankind) start and cultivate hatred and war but I see dark forces using that to capture and enslave us. I see dark forces using our own ignorance as a tool to keep us from God, who already paid the price of our freedom. I am not trying to be religious, I am speaking from a spiritual perspective, There is good and evil in this world. One needs only to turn on the news to see the evil, where is the good hiding? I really do believe the scenes that are taking place whether at home or abroad are all spirit based. Maybe that makes me a kook. I don't care I see it. I don't know why others don't. There is such a divide in my country right now. No one wants to acknowledge the other side might have valid points for their beliefs. All we are doing here is bickering and fighting over ideals and politics. I see all of this as a smokescreen to keep us fighting amongst ourselves so we never see the end of our country coming. Maybe I am paranoid, but I don't think I am. All these terrorists are agents for the darkness the evil that is trying to take us all down. Evil was defeated on the cross, all this time it has been awaiting sentencing, but it is going to take as many of us down with it as it can. No one wants to see that. I see it. In a way I am happy because the world, whether it realizes it or not, is setting the stage for the return of the Christ. In a way I am scared because in the meantime the events unfolding in front of us will have to be endured. Am I the only one who thinks this way? |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
