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Three humanimal bounty hunters track down and capture the bad guys |
| [Introduction] FELCANROD Felcanrod is a team of three bounty hunters - a wolf, a cat, and a rat. It takes place on an alternate earth that is just like ours, same time, same places, but it has a humanimal population in it (and other beasts, creeps, critters, and weirdness as necessary). Samuel NAME: Samuel Blacktail SPECIESs: Grey Wolf BODY: Muscular, with a variety of scars covering his body, both from past fights and accidents. Missing an eye and an ear, on the left side, to say nothing about the scar running through that side of the face, practically bisecting his muzzle, along with a tear on the left side of his jaw, that makes it look like he's always snarling (Something like Jonah Hex), the pinky on the left hand is missing, and favors his left leg. Fur color is grey, except for his tail, which is black. OUTFIT: Prefers to wear something casual, in an attempt to blend in with the locals, but Samuel Blacktail always seems to stick out - mainly due to his charming good looks. PERSONALITY: Samuel always tries to be friendly towards those around him. However, those who insult women around him had best watch out; he once disfigured a man, by slicing off his ear, tearing out his eye, chopped off a finger, then tossing the guy into a pig pen, all because he called his own wife a whore. Then again, Samuel once had a wife, only to lose her in the incident that disfigured him. That being said, he tends to focus on the job. Sapphire NAME: Sapphire Shores SPECIES: Siamese Cat BODY: Slender and graceful, Olympic Gymnast fit, has large blue eyes and long cream colored head fur. OUTFIT: Normally wears a Blue Jumpsuit, when Stealth is needed she gets into her jet black full body cat suit PERSONALITY: Calm, cool, collected, Cares deeply about other creatures and seeks to protect them from harm, mess with Cubs or other youngsters around her at your peril! Skeemo NAME: Skeemo SPECIES: rat BODY: Kind of dumpy, not fat, just chunky. But he doesn't waddle, he walks smoothly and stealthily. HEAD: Large, sharp-pointed nose, beady eyes but hidden by black wraparound sunglasses, jet black hair slicked back with oil. OUTFIT: Usually seen in grey sweatpants and sweatshirt with expensive Italian shoes of black leather. Prefers zip-up-the-side, lightweight boots. PERSONALITY: Friendly, but knows how to fight clean or fight dirty. He's probably not as calm and cool as he tries to appear. Episodes (clickable links) ------------------------------------------------ Episode One: The Blood Dragon ... the gift: a wreath made of cactus Episode Two: The Blue Gryphon ... the gift: a brooch that looks like a rose Episode Three: Zach Varmitech .... the gift: Dragon's Fire Ruby Episode Four pt 1: Todd Reynard ... the gift: Furtopia Heroes figure: Desert Fox Episode Four pt 2: At the castle Episode Five: Bon Bon ................. the gift: Galaxy Heroes, Limited Edition Sparkle Yo-Yo Episode Six: Digger McSquint |
| "This creature who calls himself 'Blood Dragon' She tossed some photos on the table, there was a Blood Red Dragon with black markings. "What do we know about this guy?" Sam asked "First and foremost he seemingly can't be killed." Sapphire said The Rat and Wolf's jaws dropped "No joke, one Humanimal Warrior, a T. Rex sliced off his arm with his claws, and Blood Dragon just plugged his arm back in as if nothing happened. (Author's Note: Yes, Blood Dragon is an Anthro version of Deadpool) "Is he Humanimal?" Sam asked "As far as we know, no..." Sapphire said "He claims to be from another universe...As of late he's been hanging around, the Oasis Zoo. In this day and age, Zoos were more Luxury Resorts for Animals then places where kids threw their snacks at creatures in cages |
| "Must be some kind of alien, what with him being able to heal like he does," said Sam. The wolf tilted his head slightly as he drank some water. "I did say he claims to come from another dimension," said Sapphire. Sam moved his head to a more normal position, and some water came out the gap on the left side of the wolf's mouth. "I heard that part. I'm only missing the ear on the left side of my head, not the right." Skeemo got out a towel, and cleaned up the mess that Sam had made on the table. "Why don't you see that plastic surgeon and get your face fixed? I hate cleaning up after you." "Unless he's capable of fixing my memories, and makes me think that my wife left me for someone else, I have to say 'No' to that suggestion," said Sam. "You know, I'm curious, you've never explained what happened to you," said Sapphire. "How did you lose your wife, and acquire those scars?" "I would like to say that I cut myself while trimming my fur, but that's a little hard to swallow," said Sam. "Used to be a cop, narcotics, among other things. It was during a drug bust, I was posing as the buyer. It didn't go well, especially when the seller was killed. Problem, was, the man had a brother, and he paid a visit to my home. He mutilated me, mortally injured my wife, and set our house on fire. I got out, she didn't. After that, I hunted him down, and I made sure he suffered for what he took from me, before I killed him. Only reason I'm not rotting in jail was because my friends had paid money for a damn good lawyer - Temporary Insanity, or some such thing. That and the Prosecution was halfhearted at best. They didn't like prosecuting an officer who had lost everything, you understand. Afterwards, I turned in my badge, and left the force." Sam sighed, as he finished his story. "I miss her, every day." |
| "Understandable," Skeemo said, "but we need a plan for tracking down this Blood Dragon character. Saph, you say he hangs out around the Oasis Zoo, so I am wondering why he hasn't been picked up already? Why come to us if they know where he is? Who is paying the bounty?" "A lawyer made the bounty offer," Sapphire said. "He says his client wishes to remain anonymous. I don't know why the police can't pick this dragon up." "Something doesn't add up," Skeemo said. "Does this dragon have special powers?" Sam scratched his chin. "Remember that Heloderma Suspectum we tracked down to Flagstaff? He could phase himself in and out of current time. You'd be looking right at him and he would disappear for several seconds." "We got lucky on that one. What about it, Saph? What's stopping the authorities from just picking up this Blood Dragon guy and tossing him in the clink?" |
| "Let's see..." Said Sapphire "Aside from the above mentioned can't be killed factor...He doesn't seem to really take damage, like any bullet wound would heal instantly, and he seems to be breathing napalm, one police officer died after getting breathed on by him." "OK." Said Sam "I have a question, since he claims to be from another universe does this guy even HAVE a criminal record or were the cops just harassing someone because he looked funny and the guy acted in self defense? I mean let's be honest Cops especially in Oasis Town have had a history of harassing people for no reason because of the demand to fill 'quotas' "The reason the Cops were called, was because he was fooling around with loaded weapons near a Zoo full of endangered species...He hasn't harmed any creature yet."Sapphire looked around the room "But he was making comments that many believed he was intending to harm the residents. In fact one of the Cops a Wolf named Wolfgang went on record saying 'The Dragon appeared to be mentally ill as he seemed to be unaware his murderous comments were somehow morally wrong...If you ask me...I think he's not crazy, I think he's an adrenaline junkie sociopath, who was trying to provoke a fight, and now the Cops are giving him one." "Was this Wolfgang the Cop who was burned by the Dragon's Fire?" Sam asked "No that was a Human." Sapphire said "In fact, maybe we should go to the station and talk to Wolfgang before we charge into battle." |
| "That would be the best thing to do," said Sam, as he took a piece of jerky from a bag, and began chewing it. "At the moment, all I've got in mind is that we'll need a fire truck, or some such thing, and an Olympic-sized pool of water. After all, I don't fancy getting the rest of my face burned off." "Tell me you don't plan on eating or drinking in the car," said Skeemo, as he cleaned the table, again. "I had my seats refurnished." Sapphire chuckled at this. "Leather or velvet?" |
| They arrived at the police station in Skeemo's customized Cadillac. "Retro, but comfortable," Sam said. Captain Wolfgang was able to see them right away. "Sam, you old son-of-a-gun! Good to see you again! You two also," he said with a nod toward Skeemo and Sapphire. Skeemo decide to get straight to the point that was bothering him. "What's the deal with this 300k bounty? Who is paying it and why? And why don't the police just collar this Blood Dragon guy?" "That's a lot of questions," Wolfgang said, "but I can answer them. The money comes from a billionaire, Wadsworth Bagovitz. Ever heard of him?" "No," Skeemo said. "Not surprising. He is very secretive and with the money he has, he can afford to buy his privacy. The Blood Dragon belongs to him. And he wants it back. Simple as that." "No, not so simple," Skeemo said. "You still haven't explained why the police don't do it." "If the police do it, it will be public. It will be on the news. It will threaten Wadsworth's privacy. He doesn't want us to do it." |
| Sapphire rubbed her temples, then her eyes..."I got something stuck in my eyes..."She said While she was fiddling with her eyes Wolfgang continued |
| "So, just what is the deal with this bounty?" Sam asked. "And don't you dare tell me that it's to rescue someone's pet. You know full well our group doesn't return lost or runaway pets. Especially after that incident involving that tiger." "The Blood Dragon's not a pet," said Wolfgang. "He's a weapon of war. Prototype. Wadsworth was one of those involved in making him. The project failed, and the Blood Dragon was to be destroyed. Wadsworth convinced the military otherwise, and kept him, and kept trying to work out the kinks, or, at the very least, change him into something more suitable for police use, or something similar." "Let me guess - this is a capture-type mission," said Sam. "That's correct." "Tell Wadsworth to contact us, and tell us everything he knows," said Sam. "We need to know so that we can take the Blood Dragon alive, and not kill it." |
| The three were back at their office when the envoy from Wadsworth arrived. He was a baldheaded turtle with thick black glasses - obviously a scientist - and his name was Shalak. He handed them a thick file folder. "I believe this will answer most of your questions. Here's my private email and my cell number. Call me any time and I will try to answer any question you have." Skeemo smoothed back his greasy black hair. "I've got a question. Why is your boss so secretive?Why does Wadsworth Bagovitz hide? The man has millions of dollars and he lives like a fugitive." "Bad childhood," Shalak said. "At least that's my opinion. To tell you the truth, no one knows. But when two or more of his employees gather around the coffeepot, it's a favorite topic of conversation. I've never even met him, nor have I ever seen a picture of him. That's how secretive he is." Skeemo put his hands on his hips and glared at the turtle. "But surely SOMEONE has seen him? He can't operate without interacting with people." "Word is that there is a very small group who have actually seen him, but they are fiercely loyal, sworn to secrecy, and no one knows who they are." Sapphire and Sam had been looking through the Blood Dragon folder. "Here's something interesting," Sapphire said. |
| "It's a picture of an old man, cuddling with a living pile of slime." Sapphire showed the picture, of a Old Bald Man in a lab coat and goggles happily cuddling what looked like a living pile of crude oil." |
| "And people call me crazy," said Sam. "I've seen a few things, including myself in the mirror, but that's the strangest thing I've ever seen." "Which aspect of it?" Sapphire asked. "The old man? The Slime? Or the fact that the old man is hugging said slime?" "The fact that he's hugging it," said Sam. "Like I've said, I've seen a few things, especially when you're undercover in an alley, and there's someone getting it on in the alley across the street, men with women, women with men, women with woman, men with men, young with young, old with old, young with old, old with young, and everything else, but this is something else." "But, they are just hugging," said Sapphire. "I hope it doesn't go any further than that," said Sam. "Otherwise I might need the brain bleach." |
| "Let me see that!" Skeemo said, snatching the pic from their hands. "This is nothing. You should attend a rat orgy. You'll see a lot worse than slime hugging." "No thanks," Sapphire said. Shalak cleared his throat. "Ahem. That picture is of Dr McWhee and his ego." "What?!" The three faces of the Felcanrod Bounty Hunters looked at Shalak with the same expression of WTF-ness. "Yes," Shalak continued. "Dr McWhee developed a method for materializing brain phenomena as protoplasm. He wanted to make memories visible so people could freeze dry them and preserve them for future generations. Unfortunately, he was so confident that it would work that he experimented on himself." "Let me guess," Sam said. "Something went horribly wrong?" "I'm afraid so. Dr McWhee's ego materialized instead of his memories. Now everywhere he goes he has to take that pile of brown jelly with him. Needless to say, it has severely limited his activities. He no longer works for Wadsworth Bagovitz." "But why is this pic in the Blood Dragon folder?" Skeemo asked. "Because Dr McWhee was one of the scientists who worked on the Blood Dragon project." |
| "OK." Sapphire said "I guess we have everything we need to know." "What do mean?" Skeemo asked "I am thinking about a way we can capture the Blood Dragon." Sapphire said "We need a Mage who can produce magical force fields." "And who would this Mage be?" Sam asked "I don't know." Sapphire said "That's why we need to go find one." |
| "Here's an idea - let's put out a Help Wanted poster 'Looking for a Mage' - that way we can catch a hundred frauds, whom we can turn in for the bounties on their heads for being conmen, and maybe we'll make enough money not to worry about this creature," said Sam. "At the very least, we'll clear the streets of phony psychics for a year or so." "Very funny," said Sapphire. "So funny I forgot to laugh." |
| While Sam and Sapphire bickered, Skeemo had been leafing through the Blood Dragon folder. "Look at this. The model for Blood Dragon was Deadpool." "They were trying to create another Deadpool?" Sapphire said. "Deadpool? Refresh my memory," said Sam. Skeemo read from the file. "Deadpool's primary power is an accelerated healing factor. This enables him to regenerate any destroyed tissue at a superhuman rate as well as making him immune to all known diseases. Deadpool's brain cells are similarly affected, with dying brain cells being rejuvenated at a super accelerated rate. This allows Deadpool to recover from any head wounds, and it renders him nearly invulnerable to psychic and telepathic powers, as the altered or damaged brain cells quickly regenerate to their original state. Deadpool's healing factor is strong enough that he has previously survived complete incineration and decapitation more than once. Deadpool's body is highly resistant to most drugs and toxins. For example, it is extremely difficult for him to become intoxicated. He can be affected by certain drugs such as tranquilizers, if he is exposed to a large enough dosage. Deadpool's healing factor also slows the aging process." There was a moment of silence. "Wow," Sam said. "But I take heart from the bit about drugs and toxins. That might be a way to bring him down." "Massive overdose?" Skeemo said. "Yeah. I picture a giant syringe filled with tranquilizer. Really giant. Gallons of it." |
| "Well that settles it..." Sapphire said "Let's go to Cool Weapons Surplus for a bunch of Elephant Tranquilizers." When they got to Cool Weapons Surplus, their was a Goblin at the Counter reading a copy of Playghoul. |
| "I hope he has what we need," said Sam. "The last device was nothing but trouble." |
| "Whadda ya want?" said the Goblin without looking up from his magazine. Sam slammed his fist on the counter and the Goblin jumped. "That's better," Sam said. "I like a clerk who pays attention. We need the biggest tranquilizer darts you have and a gun to shoot them." "Going after an elephant?" said the goblin. "Bigger. But the problem is this creature is practically immune to most drugs and tranquilizers, so we need a powerful tranq and a lot of it." "Hmmm," said the Goblin. "There's something new on the market that might interest you because it doesn't use chemical principles." "Oh?" said Sam. "I'm listening." "Hypnotic Nanobots. They're brand new. I'm one of the first dealers to carry them. They get in the animal's bloodstream and travel straight to his brain. The interesting thing is they can be programmed to perform simple commands like sit, lie down, sleep, follow me." Skeemo snapped his finger. "That sounds great! So you're saying we could shoot this dart and then the creature would follow us if that's what we programmed?" "Yes." "That's exactly what we need. Give us one gun, because only Sam is a good shot, and sell us a dozen darts and whatever you use to program them." |
| Hoping to catch Blood Dragon at his hang out, the three companions entered the Oasis Zoo, and started chatting with the inhabitants. An elderly Naked Mole Rat invited them in for a chat, the three hestated |
At that moment, Sam's phone went off. "One moment," the wolf said, as he picked it up. He held it to his ear. "Samuel Blacktail of Felcanrod! No Bounty too Large or Small! When you can't get the Police, give us a- What? Oh, that's just our company's slogan. When you can't get the Police, give us a Call. So, what is the issue, Jerry?" The wolf listened. "Oh, I see. No, no trouble at all. Yeah, I'll help you out. No, don't bother. If these guys have bounties on their heads, that will be payment enough, in fact, I'll split it with you." He listened some more. "Alright, I'll be there. It's the least I could do." The wolf hung up. "What is it?" Skeemo asked. "A friend who needs a little help," said Sam. "A couple of tough-guy types are harassing his establishment." "What kind of establishment is it?" Sapphire asked. "It's a saloon-type place, with plenty of whiskey, gambling, and women who work both standing up, and laying down," said Sam. "All Legal of course, at least in the location he set up shop. I've visited there a few times in the past, very nice place, and the women see a doctor regularly, and are well paid - Jerry sees to that." "Do you need any help?" Skeemo asked. Sam chuckled. "Doubt it. It's just a handful of muscle-bound tough-guys, ones who use their fists more than their heads. But, you can come along. Might need help dragging them to the Peacekeeper." |
| "Hey! Where are you going?" said the Naked Mole Rat. "Sorry, Pops," Skeemo said. "We have a little emergency business to take care of, but I appreciate your help." "When you come back I'll have lots more to tell you." "Thanks, Pops. Think you could put on some pants?" The three bounty hunters traveled quickly from the Oasis Zoo to the Bread And Butter Saloon. It wasn't far away. "I think that's the worst name for a saloon I ever heard," Skeemo said. |
| Just then a Goblin got thrown out the doors of the Saloon and quickly burned to ashes in the hot desert sun. "I think I know who the Goons are." Sam said "The Stinkweeds a bunch of Human Supremacists." |
| "How do you know them?" Sapphire asked. Sam looked at a ring on his left hand. "Let's just say we have met before, and they didn't take too kindly to the fact that my wife preferred animals that walked on two legs, instead of her own kind." "What happened?" Skeemo asked. "Let's just say that they picked on the wrong wolf's wife, and let's just say that I knew a few confidential informants who knew some excellent thieves," said Sam. "Next thing you know, there was a series of B and Es that resulted in the contents of their homes ending up in the streets. Also, let's just say that I was at the scene that involved the leader's home, and warned him that he needed to get better locks for his house next time." "Did he know you had arranged for his home to be vandalized?" Sapphire asked. "Probably, as he'd seen me with my wife, and a few days later, there I am investigating the robbery of his house," said Sam. "I just told the C.I.s that there was some people who could use a small lesson in manners, and gave them a slip of paper with names and addresses. I didn't offer them money or tell them to do anything, and I didn't know who the thieves were, directly that is." Skeemo chuckled at this. "Smart." "Yeah, now to help out my old friend." The trio walked inside the place, and almost immediately, it was like they had stepped back in time, to a certain degree. Everything had an Old West feel, the dim lighting, the wooden floor, the old-time piano, and the drunken laughter of people who had won a game of cards, and there was someone, who seemed to be a little too happy, chasing a girl in a feathered dress. "He one of them?" Skeemo asked quietly. "No, that's one thing the patron's can pay to do," Sam said quietly. "Listen carefully, and you'll hear her laughing at his drunken antics. That and Jerry over at the counter isn't too worried about her." "Then, where would the Stinkweeds be at?" Sapphire asked. "Take a glance over your right shoulder, in the corner that's in shadow," Sam said. "The group of five playing cards, and watching us." Sapphire took a slow look. "I see them. The one has a woman in his arms, and she doesn't look too happy." "She's not being paid to stand there to look pretty, that's for sure," said Sam. "So, what are you going to do?" Skeemo asked. Sam pulled out a wad of cash, all with large denominations. "I'm going to offer to play a game. If they play, they have to follow the rules; if they win, they get to go free. If they lose, we collect fifty thousand dollars for their capture, alive. If they go for their weapons, shoot to wound." |
| "But what if you lose?!" Skeemo said. Sam chuckled. "I won't lose. Just keep me covered." Skeemo and Sapphire stood nearby while Sam slid into a chair at the table. "Hello, boys. Mind if I join your game?" A dark-eyed man with a mustache bigger than his face said, "That depends on whether you're playing with pennies or dollars." Sam showed them his big wad of cash. "Sit down, stranger," said the mustache. "The game is 6 Card Molly. If you don't know it, we'll play your game if you got one." Sapphire whispered to Skeemo, "I'll get us a couple of drinks. I'm thirsty. Aren't you?" |
| "Yes." Skeemo said "I could use a good sarsaparilla." They watched as Sam one every card trick and the Stinkweed's started sweating profusely as they were losing. One started to draw his gun Skeemo shot him in the arm |
| (Not what I was hoping to add onto Twiga, but I'll make it work.) "What the hell was that?" yelled Mustache. The man reached for his gun, only for Sam to draw his first, and point it right at him. "Easy, pal," Sam said, slowly. "As you can see, I have some friends over at the counter, and as you can see, they are armed. And thus, the stakes have been raised." "What's the wager?" Mustache asked. Sam grinned, and his already-messed-up face became something out of a nightmare. "My money versus your bounties, Peter Slendowski!" "You're that cop that had the homes of me and my boys robbed!" Mustache shouted. Sam laughed. "Maybe I am behind that, maybe I'm not. Let's deal with the here and now." Sam pointed at the one clenching his arm. "You go over to my friends, and don't you dare cause any trouble." The wounded man gulped, and began walking towards the counter.. "That's where the rest of you go when the amount you owe me reaches the same as what your bounty is worth," said Sam, as he passed the cars to Peter. The man growled, as he passed out the cards. "Heard your bitch died in a fire. I hope she's roasting in Hell, Half-Face!" Sam glared at him. He then glanced at the woman that Peter was holding onto. "Is he paying you to Stand Around and Look Pretty?" The woman shook her head. "He threatened to kill me if I tried to leave the table." Sam looked at Peter, and laughed. "You still don't know how to get yourself a woman." He looked at the woman, and pulled some bills out of his wad of cash. "Let's see, how about a thousand dollars, for back pay, standing behind me, putting up with my ugly mug, and for later." The woman smiled, fluttered her eyelashes, and walked over to Sam's side. Peter growled. "Filthy good-for-nothing piece of trash! You're a race traitor! I hope you burn in Hell!" Sam glared at the man. "Game over." He shoved the table, catching the group off guard. He stood up, grabbed two, and slammed them into the table, busting it in half. He the grabbed a third, and tossed him out the window. Then, he advanced on Peter, grabbed him, slammed him into the wall, took out his knife, and stuck the blade inside the man's mouth. "Do you want me to show you how I got my good looks?" Peter made a muffled sound. "I'll take that as a 'No'," Sam growled. He pulled his knife out, and tossed the man to the floor. "Get up!" He then kicked the man. "Get up or I'll give you a reason to not be able to walk!" |
| Skeemo and Sapphire had their guns out, making sure the other Stinkweeds didn't go anywhere. "Nice work, Sam," Sapphire said. "Okay, fellows," Skeemo said. "We're going to take a short walk and you're going take it with your hands in the air. If you drop your hands, you'll eat a bullet." The Stinkweed who had been shot in the arm protested. "I can't lift my arms!" "For you we'll make an exception. Okay, gentlemen. Forward...March!" As Sam passed by the woman who had his thousand dollar bill, he said, "I'll see you later after we take care of these small fries we just caught." "I'll be waiting," she said. |
| After the Stinkweeds were put in jail, Wolfgang congratulated them. '"Good work." Said Wolfgang "This clan of hillbillies will be going away for a long time." "Hopefully now we can get back to tracking Blood Dragon." Sapphire said Just then Skeemo's phone rang "Hang on." Said the Rat "It's my cousin Roland." Skeemo picked up the phone, listened for a couple minutes and then hung up "We got to go!" Skeemo said "Rat City is being attacked by Dinosaurs!" |
| "Dinosaur Dinosaurs, or Humanoid Dinosaurs?" asked Sam. Skeemo chuckled. "Humanoid, of course." Sam looked at his handgun. "We might want something bigger, just in case." |
| So it was back to Cool Weapons Surplus where the same goblin was reading his Playghoul. But this time he tossed it aside and looked alert. "You guys again! Did you get your elephant?" "Forget that," Skeemo said. "We need some dinosaur guns now." "You guys think big, don't you? Are you aware it's against the law to kill a dinosaur? They are almost extinct, you know?" "Fine, we'll stun them. Just give us what we need." "Oh, you can't tranquilize a dinosaur," said the goblin. "Their hides are too tough." "Well, there must be something we can use!" "Gas," said the goblin. "Gas?" "Gas. Buy a couple of dozen gas grenades and you'll have no problems. Oh... and better get some gas masks, too. Wouldn't want to knock yourselves out along with the dinosaurs." An hour later the trio was at Rat City where a gang of raptors was terrorizing the population. "Gas masks on!" Skeemo said. "What about the population?!" Sapphire said. "Dammit!" Skeemo pulled his mask off. "Listen up everybody! We're going to gas the dinosaurs! Hide in your homes! Tape up the cracks around the doors. It's going to be a knock out gas attack." |
| The Rats of Rat City went into their Houses, just then the ground started to shake. "Oh no!" Said Skeemo "It's the leader of the mob! Garchomp the T.Rex!" |
| "The only thing way we can bring that big boy down is to toss a grenade right down his throat," said Sam. "That and he's worth fifty thousand by himself, alive of course." "And the rest?" Sapphire asked. "At least twenty thousand," said Sam. "Maybe a little more." "How do you know that?" Sapphire asked. "I downloaded the Bounty App to my phone," Sam said, as he took out his cellphone. "Snap a picture of someone, or something, and if they have a bounty of a hundred dollars or more, you'll be notified. Useful for making some quick cash." "I see," said Sapphire. "How do you get it?" "Most Peacekeeper stations, and their various counterparts, like the Sheriff and Police stations, have the system right at the front counter, and you can download it. Eight dollars a month, or free if you're a former Law Enforcement officer." Sapphire chuckled at this. "I guess it's useful to keep you around." "Yeah, but let's get back to business." |
| Garchomp the Tyrannosaurus Rex stomped into the city square. All the rats were hiding in their homes, but Garchomp immediately noticed the three bounty hunters. His yellow eyes glittered with rage and bloodlust and maybe even hunger. The smaller raptors were nowhere to be seen. Sam had his arm cocked back, ready to throw a gas grenade down the dino's throat. Sapphire and Freebo also had grenades ready, but neither one of them could throw as accurately as Sam. "As soon as he is close enough and opens his mouth again," Sam said. |
| Garchomp laughed, and jumped over them. "You have to be better then that!" Laughed the T. Rex "You don't get to be King of the Food Chain by waiting for People to attack you!" |
| "Smart aleck," muttered Sam. "New plan - shoot him in the ankles, so he'll fall to the ground, then toss the grenade down his throat. We'll get someone with heavy equipment to haul his tail to the Peacekeeper." |
| A volley of gunfire made the giant lizard dance. "Ouch! Ow! My toes! You bastards!" Then the mighty lizard crumpled to the ground like a 40-story skyscraper scheduled for demolition. "Quick!" Skeemo said. "Toss the gas grenade in his mouth!" "He won't open it!" Sam said. "Tickle him!" said Sapphire. "How do you tickle a Tyrannosaurus Rex?" |
| Sapphire took a feather duster and started to tickle Garchomp's nose. Garchomp's Nostrils wiggled but he didn't open his moth so Sapphire tickled some more. When Garchomp opened his mouth, Sam tossed the grenade in |
| "Alright, get back!" Sam shouted, as he ran towards a porch, Skeemo and Sapphire following him. Five seconds later, green smoke came out the T. Rex's mouth, and soon, the behemoth was still. "He should be out for an hour," said Sam, as he stepped off the porch. "Long enough for him to be picked up, and transferred to a safe holding center." "Why did we have to run?" Sapphire asked. "I didn't want to get that stuff on my clothes," said Sam. "And now, time for the minnows." |
| "We'll split up to search the city," Sam said. "Sapphire, you take the left flank. Skeemo, you take the right. And I'll go down the middle. As soon as anyone sees anything, yell your head off. And toss a grenade." "Are these raptors dangerous?" Sapphire asked. "I guess we'll find out soon enough." |
| Sapphire did what any Cat would do and climbed the nearest building to get a look around. Just then she heard the sound of talons on concrete "Going somewhere?" Chuckled the Raptor Sapphire didn't miss a beat she kicked the Dinosaur in the gut and flung him onto his back |
| Sam turned his head at the sound of fighting, just in time to see the one raptor hit the ground. "Remind me not to piss her off," he chuckled. "You won't even get the chance." Sam slowly turned his head. "It's not nice to sneak up on someone." He found himself looking at another raptor, who was pointing a gun at him.. The raptor's eyes bulged. "What's up with your face? Looks like you already tangled with that cat and lost!" Sam took the gun out of the raptor's hands, and shot him in both shoulders, and both knees. "Next time, shot before you comment about someone's face," he said, as the raptor dropped to the ground, screaming in pain. |
| As luck would have it, Skeemo walked right into a whole gang of raptors. He ran back toward Sam and Sapphire, getting off a couple of over-the-shoulder shots at his pursuers. There were four of them, all with bluish scales on their backs and almost white scales on their bellies. One of them had a gun and Skeemo felt the bullet whistle through the air right by his ear. |
| Sapphire was busy kicking her way through a bunch of Raptors when her Cell Phone rang "OK Guys." She said "Time out." And amazingly enough they did stop. Sapphire picked up her cell phone, she turned to Skeemo and Sam "We have to leave!" She said "Blood Dragon has finally started attacking the Zoo!" |
| "Get the one with the gun!" Skeemo yelled, but by the time he had said that, Sam had already disarmed that raptor. The other raptors saw they were facing three guns and quickly put up their hands. "Hey, man! Don't shoot!" one of them said. "We give up!" Fortunately, all the gunfire had drawn the police and they took over from there. "To the zoo!" Skeemo said. "I sure wish we had a bat car." |
| Blood Dragon was already holding the zoo animals hostage "Let's see..." Said Blood Dragon "...Who's it gonna be?" He picked up a Young Snail Girl "I think you'll make a welcome appetizer!" Blood Dragon said licking his chops |
| However, the dragon didn't get a chance to taste the girl, because he had more pressing matters, like the Cadillac that slammed right into him, pinning him against a cement wall, forcing him to let go of the girl. Also, at that moment, Sapphire launched herself from the car, and saved the girl from any serious harm. "I just got this cleaned," the cat muttered when she landed on her feet, as she looked at her suit, which was covered in snail mucus. She looked at the dragon. "I'll be taking the cost out of your hide." "Just get that kid to her mother!" Sam shouted, as he got out of the car. "That's it!" Skeemo shouted, as he stumbled out of the car as well. "I'm never letting you drive this thing again! The repair bill is coming out of your cut!" "Sure, if your shot brings him down before mine does!" Sam said, as he got out a gas grenade, and tossed it in the dragon's mouth. "Now run!" |
| There was a tumbling, clinking sound right behind them. "Oh no!" Skeemo said. "Is that what I think it is? Sam! The Blood Dragon spit the grenade at us!" "Throw it back! Throw it back!" "It might go off when I pick it up!" "Gas masks on!" There was a THWOMP sound and a green gas spread everywhere. The little snail girl immediately keeled over in a faint, but the three bounty hunters managed to get their masks on in time. "Throw another one!" Sapphire said. "As deep as you can." But now the Blood Dragon refused to open his mouth. He did seem a little dizzy from the gas. "Offer him the snail girl," Skeemo said. "What?!" Sapphire said. "Are you out of your mind?" "It's a fake out. When he opens his mouth..." "I get it." Sapphire held up the limp, slimy body of the snail girl. "Here, Draggy! Want some lunch?" The Blood Dragon got a perplexed look on his face and cocked his head to one side, but he couldn't help but lick his lips. When his mouth opened, Sam threw another grenade as hard as he could. |
| "I hate cannibals that eat people for no reason other than just because they can," Sam growled. "Survival Cannibalism, when there's no other options for food, I can understand, or if the person was already dead and it's part of some sort of funeral thing, but killing someone just to eat them, that's just wrong. Gives Carnivores a bad name." "I agree with you there," said Sapphire. "Survival and funerary practices are one thing, but this is just plain murder." "I remember one time there was this cannibal wolf going around killing and eating prostitutes," said Sam. "Even after he'd been caught, and sent to prison, it took me months to get a woman to have sex with me, without her having a spotter with a gun in their hands, or within hand's reach." "Seriously?" Sapphire asked. "Hey, it's hard enough to have sex with a woman, what with them getting stuck to you for twenty minutes or so, until certain things relax enough to allow them to go," said Sam. "Having a gun trained on you makes things take longer." "That reminds me, what do you do during that time?" Skeemo asked. "Mostly small talk, talk about our respective lives, our hopes, our dreams, that sort of stuff," said Sam. "Sometimes I like the story enough to pay them extra." Sapphire chuckled. "At least you compensate them for that extra time," she said. "I remember one time, when I was younger, and handsome, I had to work undercover, and I was used as bait to catch a woman who liked to kill men during sex," said Sam. "Let's just say it was rather embarrassing, because, when she tried to kill me, well, let's just say that I made sure that she wouldn't be able to get away. Afterwards, she was handcuffed, and read her Rights, all while stuck to me. Took almost an hour until I could release her from me." Skeemo chuckled at this. "Did that part make the papers?" "They left that part out, although I was listed as the arresting officer," said Sam. "That being said, I did have to tell Annabel about that part." "Your wife, I take?" asked Sapphire. Sam nodded. "What happened afterwards?" Skeemo asked. Sam smiled, as much as he could, in a knowing grin. "Now, that's one part of the story, I'll leave out." Then, the wolf became serious. "So, this Gryphon, is there a preference on her status? Dead or Alive?" |
| "Alive, I'm afraid," said Sapphire. "Oh, for Pete's sake!" Skeemo said. "Why can't we kill somebody? It's been ages. Why in the world do they want a fiend like this captured alive?" "Because it's in California. They have that Unnecessary Killing Not Allowed law now." "They are just too darned liberal in California. If this Gryphon ate a woman in Alabama we could go in there and blow her head off." "Yeah, well she ate one in California," Sapphire said. "Only one?" Sam asked. "Don't forget she also ate a male rat humanimal." "The bitch!" Skeemo screamed. "Come on! We have to go to California right now." |
| (Author's Note: Hi Steve, I wonder why in this story the different episodes aren't punctuated with pretty pictures) Sapphire looked up a big book of Humanimal Biology "OK, what to we know about Gryphons, for one thing, they are the only Humanimal Species not based on an Earth Animal, Gryphons are actually the Artificial Hybrid of two different Alien Species, a Raptor Species from Ava and a Feline Species from Jellicle Gryphons were created by a race called the Space Jockeys and escaped to Earth in Prehistoric Times so Early Humans assumed Gryphons were a Native Species." |
| (Probably because they are Subsections. That and pictures take time.) "Talk about a bunch of hypocrites," said Sam. "Creatures made by artificial means who try to impress a 'Natural' order on things. Now, I can understand going All Natural , and living off the land, and not wearing clothes, as I once had to go undercover to locate someone poisoning this one area's water supplies, and blaming this group, who were more than nice enough to help me out by the way, but they didn't engage in Murder Cannibalism, same with most other groups that practice the 'Natural Life' - it causes issues, along with mistrust, and is not good for the Karma or something." "How long were you with this group?" Sapphire asked. "Two months," said Sam. "And that was the longest two months of my life." "You located the guy, right?" Skeemo asked. "Got the evidence, and had him put away for a long time for pollution, attempted murder, along with harassment of a group of Hippies, not to mention Discrimination," said Sam. "After that, I went home to my wife." "Did you and her ever have any kids?" Sapphire asked. "Oh, we tried for five years, but nothing seemed to do the job," said Sam. "Then, one day, I returned home from work, all tired and exhausted, when she slips me this piece of paper from the doctor. It was the happiest moment of my life - I was thinking about redecorating, school, collage, grandkids, and how we'd spoil them rotten. But then, that's when things changed. These men came into the door, all armed. I tried to protect my wife and unborn child, but it was for nothing. One of them managed to sneak up behind me, and knocked me out. I awoke, found myself tied to a chair, she to one across from me, and then he came in - Sanos Juan, Diplomat from Salvador, who ran the trade up in this area, to say nothing about being the brother of a man I got killed. I was prepared to face anything he was going to do to me - disfigurement, scalping, being maimed, loss of limbs, even death itself. Well, after what he did to me, he did something worse than death. He stabbed my wife, a woman who had nothing to do with his brother's death. Then, he set fire to the place, and you know the rest." The wolf sighed at this. "Sometimes, I wonder about you," said Skeemo. "Yeah, well let's go get this gryphon, and roast her feathers," said Sam. "That will make me feel better." |
| (Pics are good. I keep forgetting to suggest if you guys have any pics you want to send me either email the pic to me or send a link to it.) "I did a little research," Skeemo said. "Did you know there are over a thousand Blue Gryphons in California? Somehow I thought they would be rare. And they aren't the only Gryphons, but blue is the most popular color." "Blue is the best color," Sapphire said, with her blue eyes twinkling. "Our problem is to find one particular Blue Gryphon. Do we have anything at all to go on?" |
| "Why are they're so many Gryphons in California?" Sapphire started looking on the internet "If Gryphons are such dangerous Humanimals with a penchant for attacking anything Non-Gryphon...Then she saw the answer "Oh." She said "Coal mining in California, back in slave owning days, Gryphons were among the strongest Humanimals, and the Humans used methods like shock collars to keep them in control, over a couple generations they mellowed down." "But Abola wasn't born and raised on Earth." Sam said "She's a Native of Paradise 5 and was part of the Gryphon Dynasty." |
| "Still, how do we locate her?" Skeemo asked. "We could ask the local Gryphons for help," suggested Sam. "You'd ask for help from a race known for c-" "Skeemo, you say cannibalism, and I'll introduce you to a tiger who likes playing games with rats, like slurping up their tails like spaghetti, when they don't please her enough," said Sam. "You seriously know a tiger like that?" Skeemo asked. "Oh yeah," said Sam. "Former partner of mine. Nicest woman you've ever met, except for when it comes to sex - she likes it rough, with her being the dominate one." "Does she ever rip their tails off and eat them?" Skeemo asked, nervously. "Worse, she takes pictures of them in that position," said Sam. "That being said, her husband likes those games. Takes all kinds." "So, why would these Gryphons help us out?" Sapphire asked. "Everyone has standards," said Sam. "With any luck, they wouldn't want a murderer living in their community, and will help to locate her." "You're still talking about going into a section of town filled with arrogant, haughty, speciests," said Skeemo. "They won't want us in their communities." "Old saying, 'Walk softly, but carry a big stick'," said Sam. "We go in there calmly, but well armed." |
| The Gryphonville section of Los Angeles was filled with gryphons of every size, shape, and color. It was the one part of LA where it was legal for them to fly, so the taller buildings all had balconies and there was a continual flapping of wings as gryphons called on their neighbors. Contrary to public opinion, gryphons are a gregarious species. The classic image of the lonely gryphon just isn't true most of the time. Naturally, there are always exceptions. Gryphons are a lot like the human type called Italians - they like to eat, make love, and argue. One minute they can be hugging each other with affection, then the next minute acting out a jealous rage. Sam and Sapphire and Skeemo didn't feel as out of place as they might have, because Gryphonville loved tourists and there were plenty of restaurants and hotels welcoming them. "I don't even know where to start looking," Skeemo said. "Why don't we start with some nice Linguini Alfredo and take it from there," said Sapphire, licking her lips as she looked at the display in a restaurant window. |
| "Wow..." Skeemo said "That Shock Collar Evolution really did mellow the Gryphons down." Just then a Human Police Officer drove up in his car "Are you Felcanrod?" He asked "We are." Skeemo said "We have news that the Gryphon known as Abola is now in Big Bear." Said the Cop, she was photographed there while killing and eating a Naked Mole Rat Humanimal." "She sure does love eating rats." Skeemo shuddered "I'll get you three to Big Bear." The Policeman said "That girl she killed was my daughter and the Rat Man was her fiancee." |
| "In that case, after you take us there, go home," said Sam "I know how personal issues on a case can affect an officer's judgement." "Personal experience?" the officer asked. Sam looked right at the officer. "Very personal. Ended my career. You don't want to do that." The officer looked right back at him. "In that case, do me a favor - make it look like Self-Defense or something." Sam gave a nod. "I have no idea what you just said, nor did I hear it." The officer then got in his car, and the group got in theirs. "So, what was all that about?" Sapphire asked. "When we locate Abola, we are to kill her, and claim Self-Defense," said Sam. "That's the one loophole in the Unnecessary Killing Not Allowed law. Claim Self-Defense, and we'll lose half the bounty, but remain free, and I doubt the officers will look too deeply into the circumstances behind the killing." "Useful to know," said Skeemo. "Know of a few places with similar laws, and loopholes," said Sam. "Just be glad we don't have to worry about a Kidnapping charge - some places have declared Bounty Hunting to be Illegal, meaning that one has to be careful transporting bounties across such places." "Seriously?" Sapphire asked. "Let's just say that there was a case a few years back - a rapist of 20 women fled South of the Border, and this bounty hunter caught him. The police then pulled them over, and charged the Bounty Hunter with Kidnapping. The guy had to flee North of the Border, and was declared a fugitive himself. It got to the point that the State Department got involved. Talk about headaches." "What happened?" "The Rapist was, eventually, extradited to the United States, to serve a hundred years for the rapes, and the Bounty Hunter was sent to Mexico, to serve five years for kidnapping." (The story I just used was based off of the Bounty Hunter Duane Chapman A.K.A. Dog the Bounty Hunter - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duane_Chapman, who was charged with Kidnapping, after he trailed a Rapist to Mexico, and captured him.) |
(Duane Chapman - five wives so far.... dog!  )"So this is Big Bear," Skeemo said. "Not much of a town, but these mountains are beautiful." "It shouldn't be hard to locate a Blue Gryphon in a town this small," Sapphire said. "Unless she's hiding and never goes into town." "Somehow I don't think she hides." Skeemo shrugged. "Well then, why don't we start by asking a couple of shop owners if they've seen her?" |
| "I have an idea." Sam said "Why don't we ask about that Naked Mole Rat that was killed." Sam said "Naked Mole Rats are desert creatures so I'm thinking he was not a local but a tourist, and that Cop mentioned Abola caught him deep in the woods at night, so he may have been a camper or he was enacting freaky sorcery, I don't know...But I think considering how much forest is here I thinking that is ample place for a predator to hide." |
| "So, we're tracing the victim first, then the killer?" Sapphire asked. "Sometimes we must backtrack to go forward," said Sam. "So, what happens if we encounter this Gryphon?" Skeemo asked. "Try peaceful approach, then apply non-lethal force, and if that doesn't work, go ahead and kill her," said Sam. |
| Skeemo patted his gun belt. "Amen." "Since this little town is surrounded by a National Forest," said Sam, "I suppose the park ranger might have some information." The park ranger was a bear (of course), middle-aged, glasses, wearing a a really big highway patrol hat. "So you kids are looking for that gryphon, huh? Yes, that naked mole rat was a tourist. To tell you the truth, I don't have much love for rats, but I suspect this one was up to no good. I wouldn't be surprised if that mole rat and that gryphon weren't partners or something and got into an argument and she killed him." "But she also ATE him!" Skeemo said. "So? Look at the Black Widow spider. They get married for goodness sake and he still gets to be dinner for her." "I don't get it," Skeemo said. "What does that prove?" The ranger stared down his nose at Skeemo. "It proves there is a lot of lowdown creatures who will eat each other. Say, you're a rat, aren't you." 'You're very observant." "I'm a park ranger. I know my animals and plants. But you're a city rat, the kind that lives in sewers and..." "Ahem!" interrupted Sam. "We are just trying to locate this gryphon and bring it to justice. Can you help us or not?" |
| "I was thinking we may have to plan a stake out." Said The Smokey Bear "And use someone as bait." "Wait a minute!"Skeemo exclaimed "You're not thinking of using ME as the bait!" "Are you suggesting..." Sam said "That we use an innocent civilian as bait for a violent psychotic?" "No..." Skeemo said "...I guess, couldn't either you or Sapphire be that bait." "Two of her previous victims were Rats." Sapphire said "From what we know of Paradise 5 culture,she's starting low on the food chain and working her way up." |
| "So, what's the simplest plan you've got in that canine mind of yours, in case things go wrong?" Skeemo asked. "Sapphire, press the button behind the left back seat," said Sam. Sapphire pressed the button, and soon she and Skeemo were staring in shock. "How in the world did you get one of those?" the cat asked. "How in the Hell did you put that thing into my car?" Skeemo asked. "Especially without me noticing it?" "Do you have a permit for that thing?" the Park Ranger asked. "It's completely legal, and yes, I have a permit for it," said Sam. "As for how I got it, souvenir from back in the day. That thing can change between ground targets and air targets, and use everything from nets to rockets. Either we'll catch this fugitive, or destroy her." "So, the simple plan is to use a bazooka basically?" Sapphire asked. "Pretty much," said Sam. "It's not exactly a bazooka, but you get the idea." "That still doesn't tell me how you got that thing into my car," said Skeemo. "I popped the trunk, that's how," said Sam. |
| That night Skeemo was deep in the National Park, sitting next to a small campfire, and listening to the owls hoot. "Wait a minute... owls eat rats, don't they? Thank my lucky genes I am too big for an owl to eat. But that gryphon.... shudder!" The campfire cast a flickering light on Skeemo's small tent. It made the tree trunks seem to be shifting position. He closed his eyes to avoid the weird lighting effects, but then popped them open again. That would be dumb to sit here with his eyes closed. He stood up, filled with nervous energy. "Oh, for Heavens sake, you stupid gryphon! If you're going to eat me then do it now!" The forest echoed with his yell. "I'm losing my mind," he thought. |
| Abola however was slightly smarter then that, she knew a trap when she saw one and had no intention of taking the bait. She had been watched Felcanrod plan from a hole in the ground, and knew everything they were up to. So instead of going for Skeemo, she went in the opposite direction for easier prey, Of course since everyone in Big Bear KNEW |
| Well, there was a big problem, what with the local gryphons flying around, because a number off them had been informed by someone that there was a large bounty on her head, and had described her looks, along with her crimes. Meanwhile, Sam was busy looking at the photographs of the gryphon as she committed her crimes. "Something puzzles me," he said. "I can understand taking a picture of the crime scene, I've had to do that during my time on the force, but this image here, this one was taken during the crime." "What's the problem with it?" Sapphire asked. "Well, I might be over thinking it, and perhaps it's from an animal tracking camera attached to a tree, or some such thing," said Sam. "But, I want to make sure that someone else didn't take it, and that this Gryphon doesn't have a helper." |
| "A helper!" Sapphire said. "I think you might be on to something. I never did like that Lone Gryphon theory. Gryphons don't really like to be alone." And at that moment there was a rat who didn't like to be alone - Skeemo. He huddled inside his tent, unable to sleep. "I will never EVER be the bait for anything again! This too much strain on my nerves.!" A twig snapped somewhere in the forest. Skeemo pulled his head inside his sleeping bag and zipped it closed. |
| Abola had a helper in the form of a Robot. The Robot was an emotionless machine programmed to snap pictures of her kills and leave them at the scene of the crime. "With all these weak inferior creatures shrinking in terror..." Abola said "We will be able to prepare Earth for the Gryphon Conquest." The Robot didn't say anything because he wasn't programmed to say anything. The Bear Ranger came by "Any luck?" "I have a sneaking suspicion Abola is refusing to take the bait." Sapphire said |
| "In that case, call Skeemo, and tell him he can stop wetting his pants, and come back to the car," said Sam. "I'll take a look around." |
| "Don't ever ask me to spend a night alone in the woods again," Skeemo said. Sapphire smiled. "Was Mother Nature mean to you?" "You wouldn't believe all the little noises you hear out there. So what's up?" "We have a theory that Abola has a robot helpe," Sam said. "That would mean some sort of radio control system. So I have ordered that a highly sensitive radio signal direction finder be sent to us. It should arrive pretty soon." "And how much is that signal finder going to cost us?" Skeemo asked. Sam shrugged. "You can't catch the bad guys if you don't have the best quality tools." |
| That night Abla was serching for prey, but that was rather difficult as everyone was staying indoors with their doors locked |
| Meanwhile, Sam was listening to a police scanner, looking for any hot leads. "Got anything?" Skeemo asked. "No, fairly quiet," said Sam. "Seems everyone is staying indoors, even the usual nightlife." "Meaning?" "I've yet to hear of any attempts at a breaking and entering, no domestic issues, no speedings, no to most anything." "That is good, right?" Sapphire asked. "In this case, no news is good news," Sam said with a grin. "Maybe we haven't located her, but at least she isn't out hunting someone down, or, at the very least, hasn't killed anyone, yet. That, right there, is what I call good news, in and of itself." "So, do you have any new ideas?" Skeemo asked. "Well, I might have one," Sam said, as he looked at Sapphire. "Something tells me I'm not going to like this," the cat muttered. "Ever play the part of a Working Girl?" Sam asked. "I knew it," the cat said. "My mother raised me better than that." "In that case, I could place a call to some who owe me some favors," said Sam. |
| "Wait a minute," Sapphire said. "Let me think about it. I do have my fantasies, you know. This might be an interesting role to play." Skeemo and Sam exchanged glances. This was a side of Sapphire they knew nothing about. "Okay," Sapphire said. "I've thought about it. Here's my decision..." |
| "..I'll let you call one of your working girls." Sapphire said "If Abola recognizes me, she won't take the bait." Sam called a couple of girls "Nope...No Volunteers yet..." He said "Well...Third times the charm." He dialed the number Somewhere in the Downtown Los Angeles, a young Chameleon Prostitute named Sela answered the Phone "Hey..." She said Sam told her about his plan "You know something," Sela said "After an enormous fight with my parents I'm feeling some left over aggression so I think I'll do it." "What was the fight about?" Sam asked "All you need to know is it wasn't in anyway related to my job." Sela said |
| "I understand that," Sam said, with a bit of a sigh. "I'll see you when you get here." He then closed his phone. "How do you know this girl?" Sapphire asked. "I was after her boyfriend," said Sam. "He was a piece of work - he liked to rob banks, and hold people for ransom. He'd been caught though, and taken to jail. Problem was, he managed to escape. I found out about the girlfriend, so, I decided to follow her, hoping she'd lead me to him." "You found him, right?" Sapphire asked. "Took a few weeks," said Sam. "But, the real reason she owes me has to deal with the fact that, a few days after I started following her, and watching her work, this fella tried to rob her at knife point, and made it very clear that he planned to kill her afterwards. I couldn't let that happen - not because I might miss out on locating the boyfriend, but because she was another person trying to make ends meet." "What happened?" Skeemo asked. "It was Instincts mixed with Training," said Sam. "I snuck up behind him, and I made sure that he wouldn't be able to hurt her." "You killed him?" Skeemo asked. Sam chuckled. "I merely put him in a Sleeper Hold. Less fuss that way, as I could reasonable claim that I was protecting someone's life. That being said, she was, very appreciative, of the fact that I had saved her life." "She had sex with you?" Sapphire asked. "I wasn't exactly in a position to turn her down," said Sam. "It's a little hard to say, 'Miss, the reason I was here was because I'm after the bounty on your boyfriend's head, and therefore, we cannot have sex.' It would have blown my cover." "What about afterwards?" Sapphire asked. "What did you do with the would-be-murderer?" "Turned his ass over to the police," said Sam. "Turns out that he had a nice little bounty on his head." "And the boyfriend?" "Well, he didn't take too kindly to the fact that his girlfriend was sleeping with other men," said Sam. "I had to save her life once again. She realized what I was, and asked if I was going to turn her in as well. Told her that wasn't my job." "And afterwards?" "I gave her some of the money, hoping she'd reform her life," said Sam. "Well, she did, and yet didn't." "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "She, herself, didn't reform, and thus is still a prostitute," said Sam. "That being said, she opened a collage fund for her son, so that he can have a better chance than she had." |
| "And so the world lurches on," Sapphire said. "First a step toward bad, then a step toward good, then a step toward bad..." "Yeah, yeah," Skeemo said in a sarcastic way. "We're all dancing. Just don't let the music stop." Later, Sela showed up. "Hi, Sam. What do you want me to do?" But Sapphire instantly felt sorry for the little chameleon prostitute with the son and the college fund and so she pulled Sela aside with the idea of maybe talking her out of risking her life on one of Sam's schemes. |
| "You're trying to catch a cannibalistic murderer," said Sela. "I came prepared." The chameleon gave her hands each a slight shake, and Sapphire watched a pair of knives appeared in her hands, both with a five inch blade. "Sam taught me a few tricks on how to protect myself. They're nothing fancy, but they're easy to get to, and they don't get in the way of my job. Good for stabbing and slashing. Someone becomes less than friendly with me, and they'll be short an eye at the very least." "You neglected to mention that," said Sapphire, as she looked at Sam. |
| Sam shrugged. "If I stopped to mention all the wonderful things I do we'd be listening to me all day." "Let's get this show on the road," said Skeemo. "Looks like we all know what's going on and we're all prepared to face the challenges. Sam, this is your plan. What do you want me and Sapphire to do?" |
| "We're going to plan the stake out near those water slides..." Sam gestured to the Popular Summer Attraction, I think like most predators Abola is going to want an area that's not to closed in, so she doesn't get rapped and not to open so her prey can't just dart in any direction." |
| "And anything else?" Skeemo asked. "We'll have a bunch of net guns," said Sam. "They'll help to ensnare her wings. Worse comes to worse, rocket launcher." |
| Sela sat on a bench at the water slides. She sighed. Nothing was happening. No gryphon. No action. The bounty hunters waited patiently, each in his hidden location, thinking his own thoughts, but staying alert and focused on Sela. They had agreed on a time to get back together in case the gryphon failed to appear. Sam was beginning to wonder if this was such a good plan. Waiting was not his favorite thing to do. |
| Abola at this point was getting hungry, she had gone two days straight without eating anything, she was getting desperate, either she broke into a house and ate the inhabitants, which might lead to her capture or...Then she saw, sitting on a bench, a Chameleon, a plain ordinary Lizard just sitting there...Her hunger addled brain did not question why the Chameleon was there when everyone else was locked up. Her mouth watering Abola made her advance towards her prey... |
| Sam noticed movement, and took a look with some binoculars. "Target sighted." He then got the net gun and aimed. "Time to catch my limit of gryphons." He then pulled the trigger, which launched the net. "Please work," he whispered. |
| The net projectile sailed up into the air, as it was supposed to do. It opened into a net, as it was supposed to do. It settled down on Abola, as it was supposed to do. She managed to kick free of it. Oops. "Back ups!" Sam yelled. Skeemo and Sapphire fired their net guns at Abola. |
| The nets once again landed on Abola, Sam jumped on the Gryphon and started wrestling her to the ground |
| "Abola, you are under arrest for murder and Non-Survival Cannibalism!" Sam shouted, as he continued to try to restrain the gryphon. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one can be appointed at no cost to you. Do you understand these rights?" "Who do you think you are, Half-Face?" Abola shouted. "Some sort of cop?" She then slammed herself into a wall, in an attempt to dislodge her passenger. "Used to be one!" Sam shouted. "Stop struggling right now, or I'll clip your wings!" "Go ahead and try!" Abola flapped her wings, managing to get ten feet into the air. "You asked for it." Sam drew his gun, and shot the gryphon, right near the base of the wing. "No!" the gryphon shouted, as she found herself unable to fly, and crashed into the ground. "You had enough?" Sam growled. "Or do you want me to put one right into your head?" The gryphon groaned, but made no movement. "Good," Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "Now, don't go anywhere, or I'll shoot your other wing, along with the rest of your limbs." The wolf stumbled over to the others. "I think she's going to behave from now on. Once we get our money, and Sela gets her cut, I want to go back home, give certain others their cuts, take a nice hot shower, and bed down a certain woman in an Old West Saloon." "Is sex all you ever think of?" Sapphire asked. "Let me know when you find someone to do it with yourself," said Sam. "I'm surprised you don't try to hit on her," Skeemo chuckled. "I think there's a rule against having sex with your partners," said Sam. "That, and I have the feeling I'm not her type anyways." |
| "You can say that again," Sapphire said. "But I still love you, Sam. Just stay an arm's length away at all times." |
| (And, allow me to throw in some important details - I don't think that these guys are Supermen, who can, all of a sudden, go from one part of the world, to another, without planning things out.) Sam groaned at this. "Here's an idea - let the locals try to deal with it first. I mean, my back hurts from when that cat-bird slammed into the wall, and I made plans to be indisposed for the rest of the evening, and at least half of the night." He then left the office. "He does have a point," said Skeemo. "Let's allow the locals to do some of the work first. I mean, we're Bounty Hunters, not World Police." "But, what about the dragon eggs?" Sapphire asked. "If this guy has any amount of brains, he won't harm the eggs," said Skeemo. About thirty minutes later, in an Old West style Saloon, Sam was with the woman he'd helped just days earlier, enjoying her services. Of course, like in most such encounters involving male canines, the human woman was soon stuck to Sam. "I do hope this isn't your first time?" Sam asked, as the two laid in a bad. The woman chuckled. "You mean 'Is this my first time having sex with a canine?' The answer is no. I know very well that this part can take a while, and that the calmer I am, the easier this will be." Sam sighed. "I'm glad you know that. I remember the first time me and my wife had sex." The wolf chuckled. "Took two hours." "You're married?" the woman asked. Sam nodded. "Well, I used to be." The woman looked at the finger on his hand. "I guess it wasn't a divorce." Sam frowned. "I would have preferred that, actually. She would be alive, and I'd be a father." "What happened?" Sam sighed. "Let's just say that she was murdered by someone who didn't like me." "Is that when your face got a makeover as well?" Sam closed his eye. "I would of preferred to have lost my whole face, if it meant that she was still alive." The woman gave him a slight kiss. "I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's talk about something else, like your other scars." The woman traced a set of marks on his chest. "Let's start with this set." "That one - that one was from when I had to infiltrate a group of underground fighters," Sam said. "Bareshirt fighting, anything goes, and I tangled with a crocodile. Thing had me in it's jaws, and probably would have broke my back, if not for the referee interfering." The woman chuckled. "Crocodiles are always interesting. Whenever I'm with one, I get reminded of that old saying about smiling at them." She then traced another scar on Sam's shoulder. "And this one?" "Got stabbed when I tried to apprehend a mugger." Sam chuckled. "Of course, that was back when I was a rookie. Took like a month to heal, plus therapy." The woman smiled, as she traced a scar on his right hand. "And this one must of come from stopping another dangerous criminal." Sam chuckled nervously. "Actually, I was trying to make a sandwich for my wife, but she had a whole loaf of bread, uncut, so I tried to cut it, when, well, that happened." The woman chuckled. "So, even big tough, and strong, men like you have problems cutting bread?" "Yes. And it hurt worse than the rest of my injuries combined." The woman smiled. "So, anything you want to know?" Sam smiled. "Let's start with your name." "It's Susan." "Now that is a nice name." |
| Meanwhile, Skeemo and Sapphire were staying late at the office studying the details in the Zach Varmitech folder. "I hope Sam is having a good time while we are working," Sapphire said. "Aw, the old dog needs a break every now and then. Whatever keeps him happy." "What about you? You never seem to do anything but work." Skeemo leaned back and put his hands behind his head. "Here is my dream: early retirement. I'm going to work my ass off now for Felcanrod and make as much money as I can and then retire and never work again." Sapphire smiled. "You plan so far into the future." "Don't you make any plans?" |
| "Cats don't really plan..." Sapphire said "We live for the moment, every day as it comes." "So...You have no retirement plan." Skeemo said "Pretty much." Said Sapphire |
| "In that case, you'd better find yourself a Tom," said Skeemo. "You live a healthier life if you have a mate." "What about you?" Sapphire asked. "Well, I'm looking for the right person," said Skeemo. "I'm just having problems finding her." Thirty minutes later, at the Bread And Butter Saloon, Sam was putting his pants on. "So, how did you like your experience?" Susan asked. "The sex was good, but the conversation was better," said Sam. Susan chuckled. "That's what some men don't get when it comes to having a good sexual experience. It's more than just the act itself, it's the build-up, and the cooling-off periods. Go too fast, and you miss out on the good things. Take your time, and you get your money's worth." She then gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'm just glad my face didn't put you off too much," said Sam. "Mother always said 'Susan, I hate the fact that your selling your body to these men for money, but let me give you some advice, before you take their money, look into their eyes, for they tell you the truth of a person's soul.' She was always right about that sort of stuff," said Susan. Sam chuckled. "And what does my eye tell you?" "That you're a good man, in spite of any other flaws you might have." Susan gave the wolf another kiss. "That and you'll make a good husband to whomever you marry." Sam laughed at this. "Please, I was away from my wife the first time I was married. Doubt I'd be much better now." Susan placed her arms around him. "But you love her, and you fight to protect the idea of her. That means that you are good husband material. Maybe you're not perfect, but only a fool would want that." "You really think that?" "I'd want a man like you for a husband, a man who's understanding, kindhearted, but willing to fight to protect me," Susan said. "There's other things as well, but there's a start." |
| "That's it for me," Skeemo said. "I can't keep my eyes open. Are you going to wait up for Sam?" Sapphire laughed. "Am I his mother? Of course not. I'm going to bed, too. Early start in the morning?" "Not too early. Sam will sleep late so no use in us losing any sleep. Pleasant dreams." "Same to ya, partner." |
| As Sapphire dreamed, she dreamed of Baby Dragons turned into cyborgs for the purpose of destroying third world countries. She woke up in a cold sweat, she went to the bathroom to get some water. Better but not good enough, she went to the kitchen, she opened a bag of potato chips and started munching to calm herself, The salty chips making her thirsty she reached in the fridge for the gallon of milk and started drinking straight from the jug |
| The door opened, and Sam came in. "Well, that explains a few things." Sapphire just about shot milk out of her nose. "You're back?" "Thought I'd be gone all night?" "Well, yes." Sam looked at the clock. "It's just after Midnight. Why are you up?" "Can't sleep. I saw bad things happening to those dragon eggs." Sam frowned. "I know the feeling. But, we'd be no good to help them if we didn't plan things out." "Do you have a plan?" Sapphire asked. "I've dealt with police officers from Scandinavia," said Sam. "Some from international operations, some from international police competitions. I'll contact them, and if they don't know the information we need, they'll know who will." |
| The next morning the Felcanrod team went to work. Skeemo looked up from his monitor. "I've got us reservations on a flight today. Tomorrow we'll be in Stockholm." "I've got an appointment for us with the Swedish police," Sam said. "I've talked to the dragon parents," added Sapphire. Skeemo rubbed his hands together. "Let's eat a good lunch, finish packing, and head for the airport." |
| "That's great."Sapphire said "I made cheeseburgers!" During the flight to Stockholm, it was a red eye flight, Sapphire looked out the window, the were now over the Atlantic, though it was now midnight she could still see the sun because it was Summer, she couldn't sleep, she got caught up in the in flight movie of Les Miserable. |
| Sapphire then looked at Sam, specifically, the ruined side of his face. She wondered what he used to look like, back before his encounter with the man who had taken his wife from him. She then noticed some drool coming out of his mouth, so she took a napkin, and began to wipe it, when he began moving. "What in the world?" "Sorry Sam. You were drooling." The wolf sighed. "I could do without that being part of my injuries." "So, how did you and your wife meet?" Sam chuckled. "Her father hired my father." "Oh, you met at a company picnic?" "Actually, my father was a soldier, with a chest full of medals, well, at the age of eight, five medals was a lot," said Sam. "It was after the war, and, like many former soldiers, my father needed a job. Her father, is Jason Smitty - largest shareholder of Smitty's Shipping Company, who controls ten percent of the world's shipping - and he was looking for a bodyguard. My father's record impressed him more than anyone else.Then, when the guy found out about our housing situation, and the fact that my father had two kids, and a wife who was working in a minimum wage job as a cleaning lady - let's just say that he made both my father, and my mother, the kind of offer that only a fool would refuse - guaranteed wages, triple the minimum, with future wage increases, a fine house, the finest in education for me and my younger sister, to say nothing about scholarships to the universities of our choosing, just for my father to work for them for at least one year." "One years work, and your family got all that?" Sapphire asked. "Mister Smitty's the kind who'd give away millions, and know he'd get a hundred times that in return," said Sam. "One phone call to my mother, who dropped like ten plates when she heard Smitty's offer, and my father told the man 'Yes, sir!' Less than a week later, had a new home and everything." "And you and Annabel - love at first sight?" "Hell no! We hated each other! Fought all the time!" "What changed things?" "Well, I eventually, when I turned sixteen, got a job as a pool boy - Summer thing, you know. Well, one day, she was running across the diving board, slipped, and hit the water wrong. I dove in, and saved her. After that, I got the job of being her bodyguard. We eventually became friends, after a while." "How did you become more than friends?" Sapphire asked. "She was to marry this guy - but there was something about him I didn't like," said Sam. "It was at the school dance when I found out why that was - he had hurt my sister, in the worst way to hurt a woman." "Oh." "I told him exactly how I felt about it, and I didn't mince words about it. Then, when my sister told Annabel, she really let him have it. The engagement was canceled, charges pressed, and passed, and all that." "And you and her?" "Things really started then and there." |
| Skeemo had his eyes closed, but he was listening to Sam's story. Sam was the kind of guy who had a lot of story to tell. Skeemo wondered about that, why some people seem to live lives filled with all kinds of amazing incidents, while others lived lives that were very ordinary. It seemed to Skeemo that his own life was very ordinary. Even his main life goal of an early retirement was shared by millions. Sam, on the other hand... it was almost impossible to figure out what his main goal in life was. To do good? To help the oppressed? Then why be a bounty hunter? Weren't there better ways? And Sapphire... she claimed she had no goals and made no plans. Was that really true? Skeemo sighed. There was so much he didn't know about what others were thinking. |
| "We need your hjälpa," Longcurl said, with a very thick accent. "It's a very, förödande tragedi for this to occur. It has been, så många år since a member of our group has been born. This kriminell must be brought to rättvisa for what he's done to our barnbarn." Sam frowned. His Swedish was more than a little rusty, but anyone could understand the pain in the elderly dragon's voice. He then noticed a polis, or the Swedish equivalent of a policeman, examining the nest. "Wait here, and take what notes you can," he said to Skeemo and Sapphire. "I'll go talk to him." Sapphire nodded as he walked away. "Tell me you speak English?" Sam asked, as he stopped at the nest. "I went to university in the United States of America," the officer said. The officer was a polar bear. "It was a lot of fun." "Well, you speak American fairly well," said Sam. "What's the situation?" "Long story short, as you Americans like to say," said the polar bear. "The family was out, celebrating some dragon tradition, and the eggs were being watched by an eggsitter, as I guess you'd call her. Apparently, there was a knock at the door, and she answered it, thinking it was the TV Repairman. All she saw before she was knocked out was a male human with a black goatee, short black hair, and green eyes. Security Camera from the neighbors got a fairly good look at him, and that's what we used to identify the eggnapper, as you could say. Kidnapped five eggs, due to hatch within the next thirty days, if conditions are right. It's been twenty years since this family has had a new addition to care about, let alone five." "I've heard it takes a while for dragons to hatch," said Sam. "Twenty years," said the policeman. "This batch belonged to their daughter, before she was killed in a freak automobile accident. Her parents took primary custody over said eggs, although the father does visit to tell them stories, while he looks for someone willing to help raise his children." Sam chuckled. "That's some strong love, to watch over an unborn child for twenty years, before they are properly born." The policeman smiled. "That it is. However, unless those eggs are located, this family could die out. There's not a whole lot of pure-blood dragons out there - most dragons don't like waiting two decades to raise their children, and while they may mate with other dragons out of family obligations, most prefer to have a family within two years, and thus mate with non-dragons. Most of the elders turn a blind eye to this, calling it 'practice for the real thing'. But, like Longcurl is saying, this crime is very devastating on them." |
| "Interpol has given us a 'most likely match' for goatee, green eyes, black hair," Skeemo said. "His name is Zach Varmitech." "Varmitech!" Sam said. "I've heard that name before. What do we know about that family, Sapphire?" |
| "Um...I kind of went over this the night before." Sapphire said "But he is the heir to a massive technology company." "Oh right." Sam said "Guess I shouldn't have had wine on the ride over." "This is why I'm a teetotaler." Said Sapphire |
| "We need to find a way to locate this guy," said Sapphire. "And I believe I know of someone who might help," said Sam. "A hacker by the name of Jimmy Crackers, although he prefers to go by Unbeaten-and-Unbroken. Name a computer system, and either he's hacked it, or has planned it out." "So, how do we locate this hacker?" Skeemo asked. "He's supposed to be in the Federal Penitentiary in Arizona, but he's not," said Sam. "Currently, he's in Juno Alaska, under the name Travis Smith, working as a computer security consultant for the military." "How did he get that arrangement?" Sapphire asked. "Let's just say he found a very real threat against the country, and in exchange for a new identity, and a full pardon, assisted in bringing the attack to it's knees." "What kind of attack?" Skeemo asked. "Let me put it this way, unless you kept your money in the form of cold hard cash, even the richest of men would have become dirt poor within three seconds, if not for this guy." "How did you get involved?" Sapphire asked. "The guy who planned the attack found out who foiled his money-making plan, and hired the kind of guys who kill for money," said Sam. "Guy thought that I was crazy enough to work for him - I wasn't. Then I get a call from this Travis fella asking for my help to protect him. Wasn't until after the fifth assassination attempt that Travis spilled the beans about who he was. Thankfully, my father knew a few people in the military, and next thing you know, he's in the uniform, and stationed on a military base in Alaska, where everyone is checked thoroughly before they can step foot onto the place." "So, how do we contact this guy?" Sapphire asked. "Send him an email," said Sam. "Jimmy owes me for what I did for him." |
| TO: travis_smith@junomail.com FROM: samthewham@gmail.com SUBJECT: confidential Want to put your U-and-U skills to use? Financial benefits for you. Respond ASAP if interested. Project is already rolling. |
| Travis Smith AKA Joe Crackers was a Canary Humanimal, when he got the message he gasped, he realized what was about to happen "I know this guy." Responded Travis "Come to Alaska...It is time for the Great Council of Animals to begin." That left Felcanrod more then a bit confused When they got to Alaska Travis was waiting for them "Follow me."He said he led them to his car, he drove into the forest, into an enormous cave |
(Twiga, the guy's real name is Jimmy Crackers.  )"You'd better not be pulling our tails with this, Jimmy," Sam said, as he looked around. "Shhhh! You're not supposed to use that name," the bird hissed. "It's Travis Smith! That's the name I was given." "This better be important." "Have I ever steered you wrong?" Sam crossed his arms, and tapped his foot. "I distinctly recall an incident where I was forced to kill about twenty people, shortly after I'd been to a hospital for a reason involving my face!" "Jesh! They were going try to kill you anyways, for refusing the Purse Snatcher's offer," said the bird. Sapphire looked at Sam. "Purse Snatcher?" "Name of the hacker who tried to steal the nation's money," Sam whispered. "How did that situation even end?" Skeemo asked. "I'm not sure," said Sam. "Though shortly after this guy was transferred to a base around here, I got an email involving an accident between a military jet and a private plane. Something about the jet firing at the plane and shooting it down, and it seemed that this jet was the kind that could be controlled by a remote." "A freak accident, I assure you," the bird said, nervously. "Uh, hu. I bet it was," said Sam. He then gave Sapphire and Skeemo a look that said, "He did it." "Must of been a dangerous guy, this Purse Snatcher," said Sapphire. "I did what I did for fun," said the bird. "He did what he did to kill people. Me, I messed around with those who could afford things. He, he'd cause fatal accidents, reroute Emergency Personnel, cause Life Support to go off, mess with traffic lights, and everything else. Me, I went after the corrupt, and rich, and gave to the poor and needy." Sam rolled his eyes. "An electronic Robin Hood, that's how you try to pass your crimes off as. I recall one rich, and honest, person you robbed." The bird chuckled nervously. "Let's not bring your former father-in-law into this. He still wonders why I'm not serving time in an actual prison. And besides, I gave that money back." "After you found out that I was connected to him, and I threatened to pluck your feathers over it!" Sam growled. "How did that occur?" Skeemo asked. "Let's just say that some of my former father-in-law's former associates had the kinds of friends that Mr. Smitty preferred not to do business with," said Sam. "And, let's just leave it at that, for now." |
| "So Jimmy," Skeemo said, "what is this Great Council of Animals deal?" "I'm not even sure myself," Crackers said. "It might be total bullcrap or it might be the greatest thing that ever happened." "Or it might be something in between," Sapphire said. "We came all the way to Alaska to listen to this bird's silly rants?" Sam clamped down on Jimmy's wing. "I trust him to do the right thing... or else! Right, Jimmy?" Jimmy Crackers looked nervously over his shoulder. "Can you please stop calling me that name and stick to Travis Smith?" "Start talking... Travis. Why did we need to come to Alaska?" |
| Just then the Cave they were in lit up! They were now in a great amphitheater and there was a Representative from nearly every species of Animal! Everyone was quiet after that. A Star Nosed Mole Approached the Car "You may exit." the Mole said in an old and creaky voice "Welcome to the great council of Animals." The Council explained to Felcanrod that Zach was public enemy number 1 to the entire Animal Kingdom. "Selena..." Said the Old Mole, summon the One's who know the most about Zach A Sparrow nodded and she brought forth a vortex and that vortex summoned Chris and Martin Kratt |
| "I've heard of them," Skeemo said. "They're some kind of comedy act, like the Marx Brothers." "Who?!" Sam said. "Like, uh, Laurel and Hardy." Sam shook his head. "Skeemo, you have to stop buying your entertainment at thrift shops. I never heard of Muriel and Lardy." "We are NOT a comedy team!" said Martin Kratt. "Sure, we like a good joke, but we are educators first and entertainers second." "Kratt Brothers!" said the Old Mole. "You have been summoned because of your knowledge of Zach Varmintech." |
| Martin gasped "OMG! A talking star nosed mole!" "This is a new day for zoology!" Said Chris Sapphire looked at her comrades "How are they not aware two thirds of the Planets' Animal Population talks?" Skeemo used his handheld computer "According to my analyzer they're from another universe." "Wait, Sam said "If they're from another universe that means...Uh oh...Zach's company is a multidimensional cooperation." The Star Nosed Mole angrily slapped the two brothers trying to measure him "That's enough! We need your help Kratt Brothers! Zach is public enemy Number 1 to our Animal Kingdom we need your help killing him!" "Kill?!" The two brother gasped "Sorry Mole Man." Martin said "We know Zach is a jerk sometimes but we can't kill him! The three of us went to preschool together!" "If the Joker went to preschool with you would you defend him? Asked the Mole The Kratt Bros looked bashful "I thought so..." Said the Mole |
| "Let's simplify things then," said Sam. "We need him gone from this dimension." The brothers stared at him. "Ask the question," Sam said, with a groan. "Are you a wolf?" Chris asked. Sam's eye widened in surprise. "Not the question I was thinking of but-" "What's up with the face?" Martin asked. "Yep, that's the question." |
| "Hey, Kraut Brothers," Skeemo said. "I'm a talking rat. Get over it. We are trying to remove your preschool buddy Zach from this dimension. What if you asked him to leave? Would that work?" Chris Kratt laughed. "I doubt he's going to do anything we tell him to do. Did you not notice he is rich as Richie Rich?" "So give us some tips then. What's his weakness? How do we persuade him to leave?" |
| "OK..." Chris said "Zach is a big time scardy cat." "Racist!" Yelled Sapphire "Er...No offense." Chris said blushing "But he's pretty much scared of every Animal on the Planet." "But...He uses them for his robots." Skeemo said "Yeah." Said Chris "Why does he..." "I think a big part of the reason is just to spite us." Chris said |
| "In that case, here's what we do - we have Travis Smith here, hack the guy's account - donate all of his money to charity," Sam said. "After that, send in the various Health, Building, and Employee Inspectors, along withe the IRS." "The IRS?" asked Sapphire. "They scare the shit out of me," said Sam. "Good enough for me," said Skeemo. "In the end, he'll be out of everything, and be forced to go home," said Sam. |
| "How about this?" Skeemo said. "Everything you said PLUS we send fake messages from animals with photos attached saying stuff like we're coming for you and you can run but you can't hide." "Why the photos?" Chris said. "You said he is afraid of animals so I thought the photos would add impact." Sam snapped his fingers. "Why don't we visit him ourselves? We're animals. We'll scare him in person!" |
| "I wouldn't advise that." Chris said "Zach has his Zachbots to protect him, unless you're skilled in demolishing them like we are, you might get captured and turned into cyborgs yourselves." "The first part is easy enough." Said Travis "I'll start hacking!" |
| "In that case, let me know when Zach gets evicted," said Sam. "I'm going back to the City, and see if there's a place with Honey Bunnies in it." "Is that some sort of doughy treat?" Chris asked. "Like a bunny-shaped pastry covered in honey?" "I doubt it," said Sapphire. "A bunny might be involved, same with honey, but I doubt that Sam is talking about going to a bakery," said Skeemo. "Then where is he going?" Martin asked. "I have no idea what you call them on your world, but they are called brothels in some places around here," said Sapphire. Chis blinked. "Don't wolves mate for life?" "Not if said mate dies," said Skeemo. "That and people around here aren't exactly like regular animals when it comes to certain things. After all, there's plenty of rodents and birds here, but you don't see Sapphire going after them like a regular cat would." |
| "I guess by the city you mean Juno," Skeemo said. "Are you going to come as soon as we need you? We'll get Travis started on hacking Zach's bots. When Zach figures out what's going on he will no doubt fix the problem, probably fairly quickly, so we need to move fast while he doesn't have the bots at his disposal." "Maybe I better go with Sam," Sapphire said, "so I can haul him back if things get popping with Zach." "Whoa!" Sam said. "I don't need a chaperone!" |
| "This guy has the worst security I've ever seen," Travis said, as he clicked the keys on his computer faster than he could talk. "A child could do this!" "So, this will be easy?" Skeemo asked. Suddenly, lights began blinking on the canary's computer. The bird laughed at this. "Oh, he's smart. Starts off with a field full of worms, makes you think everything's easy, and then turns those worms into highly venomous snakes! This will be fun!" "What's the worst he can do?" "This is a cheap burner," said Travis. "Nothing is on it. It's how you avoid back-hacks. He'll get nothing from me." "Your standard mode of operation?" "Only an idiot uses his own computer to hack into places." Suddenly, another light came on, and soon, Skeemo and Travis were looking at a video of themselves from the computer's point of view. "Now, that is clever," said Travis. "He's turned the camera against us, and thus, knows what we look like." The bird pressed a button, and everything went black. "Did you just fry his system?" Skeemo asked. "No, just turned off the computer," said Travis. "That, and I installed a number of pop-up adds onto his computer." "What kind of adds?" Skeemo asked. "The kinds you hope your mother doesn't see." Skeemo chuckled. "Those are a pain in the tail to deal with." Meanwhile, in a seedy joint on the wrong side of Juno, Sapphire was wondering why she had tagged along with the wolf. "Why haven't you picked someone?" she hissed, quietly. "There's like twenty women wandering around. Just pick one already, and hurry up!" "I'm looking for the right one," said Sam. "The Bread and Butter Saloon was one thing. Here though, there's a pecking order." "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "Take a look in the mirror above the counter." "What about it?" "It's an old trick. You can see if woman is taken, and how much she's being paid for it," said Sam. "The human woman down at the far end of the place." Sapphire looked in the mirror. "What's special about her?" "Highly attractive, very good shape, healthy walk, perfect smile. At least fifty dollars for a session." Then, Sapphire watched as a fox-man near the woman, walked over to her, and slipped what looked to be at least two hundred dollars down between the woman's breasts. "Okay, why did he just do that?" "Slip the money down between her breasts?" "I know the reason for that," said Sapphire. "I want to know why he paid her triple the amount." "Because it's going to take them a while. That's the way it is with canines, and felines, and certain others," said Sam. "Alright," said Sapphire. "Anything else I need to know." "I found the one I'm looking for," said Sam. "Rabbit at the other end." Sapphire took a look. "Her?" Sam nodded. "But, she's all scarred up. She only has one ear, scratched up face and-" Sam turned to look at her. "Like me?" Sapphire chuckled nervously. “Now I see. You plan to give her more than she’s worth?” Sam smiled. “Exactly. A thousand dollars to give her a chance at finding a better alternative than selling her body for next to nothing.” |
| Sapphire watched Sam go over and strike up a conversation with the rabbit. After a while, the two of them headed upstairs where rooms were available for privacy. As Sam and the rabbit passed by Sapphire he whispered "Two Eleven" to let her know which room he was in. Sapphire settled down to wait. She studied the other patrons of the joint. Some of them were more than a little strange. Meanwhile, at his computer keyboard, Travis was beginning to sweat. "This guy seems to be some kind of technical genius." "Yeah?" Skeemo said. "We told you he was. Zach Varmitech is famous." "I know, but it's always hard for me to admit anyone knows more than I do." "What are you saying, that you can't hack him?" "Oh, I can hack him!" Travis said. "Only... easy it will be not, as Yoda might say." |
| Later Chris, Martin, Skeemo, Sapphire, Sam and Travis all gathered in the council of animals "OK." Travis said "What me and Skeemo leaned is that Zach always has a glass of milk and chocolate chip cookie before bed." "We need to drug him." Skeemo said "Give him such powerful knock out drops he'll be out for a long time and we can rescue the Dragon Eggs!" "Very well." Said Sapphire "Who will drug him?" "Our very secret member of Felcanrod!" Said Skeemo Sam and Sapphire looked at each other, they had no idea there was a secret member Skeemo chuckled and out of his fur pulled a flea "Meet Sally!" Skeemo said "Our secret member." "Hi guys!" Said Sally "Only Sally is small enough to get into Zach's home unoticed and drug his snack without anyone seeing." |
| "And here I thought that I was full of surprises," said Sam. "So, Sam, is it?" Chris asked. "That's my name." "You were with a woman, right?" "A rabbit. What's your point?" "How do you do it?" Sam blinked at this. "Same way as you would, the same as most anyone." "Really?" "Yes, very carefully." Chris blinked at this. "Why?" "Because she might have a dozen or so brothers who might want a piece of your hide if you harm her." Chris looked at Skeemo. "I'd trust his judgement on that one," the rat said. Skeemo looked at Sam. "First-hand experience?" "No, but I investigated an assault involving a pig being nearly beat to death after he forced his way on a female rabbit," said Sam. "Seems said rabbit had a lot of brothers, who were very protective of their sister." "And, just what kind of shape was this pig in?" "He was a Marine, meaning he was tougher than your average soldier," said Sam. "And eight rabbits put him in intensive care. I'll admit that they aren't much on their own, but when there's four, or more of them, and they all have their eyes on you, even I proceed with caution." |
| Sally put her little hands on her little hips. "You better proceed with a whole LOT of caution if you try anything with ME, you old big bad wolf!" "Don't worry," Sam said. "I can't think of anything less attractive than a flea." "HEY!" Sally said. "Chill," said Skeemo. "It's a canine thing. Dogs and fleas, not mutual friends." Sally frowned. "I thought if a guy was anthropomorphic he would be beyond all those silly animal prejudices.." "Don't worry," Sam said. "It's not like I'm going to snap at you and crack you in two with my teeth." "Play nice, children," Sapphire said. "Sally? Do you know what you have to do at the Varmitech residence?" |
| "Yes!" Sally said "I have my own eye dropper filled with special knock out drops!" "How are they special?" Chris asked "These knock out drops when added to food or drink make the edible items TEN TIMES more delicious!" |
| "We're looking for the kind that makes one extra sleepy," said Sam. "I hope you have some of that." "I just said that I had that," said Sally. "Yeah, but I'm talking about the kind that makes you want to go to bed, not make food extra tasty," said Sam. "The less out-of-the-ordinary things seem, the easier it will be to catch him. If he thinks something's off, he just might purge himself of your extra-delicious-food." "Do you think he'd go that far?" Sapphire asked. "I've dealt with a few cases that involved poisoned foods," said Sam. "If the poison had a taste, the poisoner would throw in various herbs, spices, and such, to try and disguise it. Sometimes it worked, and the victim died, within the hour, or so. Other times, things didn't work out as planned, and the victim managed to regurgitate the poisoned food. One time, the victim realized that he'd been fatally poisoned, but managed to locate his killer, and, shall we say, had him pave the path for his trip to the afterlife." "What?" Chris asked. "The guy killed his own killer before he himself actually died," said Sam. |
| "Sam makes a good point." Skeemo said. "If your knockout drops change the taste of the food then Zach might be tipped off something is wrong. He's a smart cookie." Sally held up her hands. "OK, I may have exaggerated a little. These are the most advanced knock out drops ever made. The point is that they don't have a bitter taste or any smell or anything to tip anyone off. The only thing they do have is a slight appetite enhancer, not TEN times like I said, just enough so that the victim is more likely to eat everything and get the full dose." "Is it fast acting?" "He should keel over before he finishes eating." "That could be another problem," Sam said, "if someone is with him and sees him collapse." "That's why we're doing it at his home," Sapphire said. "I found out he likes a late night snack, and we already know he sleeps alone, so there should be no problem." |
| Late at night Sally crept past the Zachbots into Zach's bedroom where he was going to have his milk and cookie Quickly, Sally leaped onto the rim of the glass administer the drops and hopped away without Zach ever noticing her Zach drunk his milk and collapsed on his bed Sally was on her wrist communicator "He's down!" Sally said "OK!" Sam said "Travis do your thing!" Travis unleashed a virus that fried all the security systems in his home allowing Felcanrod to enter. |
| "So, what do we have to capture this guy with?" Sapphire asked. "Handcuffs, anklecuffs, plastic restraints, rope, and duct tape," said Sam. "Duct tape?" Skeemo asked. Sam got out a red rubber ball with an elastic band on it. "Do you want me to use this instead?" Skeemo grinned. "Kinky!" "Too kinky," said Sapphire. "Stick with the duct tape to keep him from yelling out." |
| Soon they had Zach trussed up like a Virginia ham. For a finishing touch they zipped him into a body bag. "What if he suffocates?" Sapphire said. "OK," said a begrudging Sam and unzipped a couple of inches of the bag. "There. A breathing hole." They took Zach to one of those famous "undisclosed locations" and unzipped the bag enough to reveal his face. "Hello, Zach," Sam said, bringing his battle-scarred, wolfy face close to Zach's. "Did you sleep well?" "Animals!" Zach gasped, and cringed in the bag. Skeemo tickled Zach's nose with his rat nose. "We wub you, Zach." Zach was finding it hard to breathe. Panic attack! "Zach!" Sapphire said. "Can you hear me? We want you to leave and never come back. Do you think you can do that?" Zach nodded his head vigorously up and down. Yes! Yes! "Do you believe him?" Sapphire asked Sam. Sam tapped a finger on his snout. "I don't know. He almost seems sincere." |
| "We've taken back all the Dragon Eggs you kidnapped!" Said Sapphire "And right now there are some very angry Dragons that are out for your blood! If you don't want to die I suggest you leave this universe and never come back!" Well that was enough to get Zach to leave the universe. After returning the precious eggs Longcurl approached Felcanrod "Thank you so much for saving our eggs!" She said apparently she had gotten better at English "To show our gratitude we will give you one of our most precious treasures." She handed them a heat shaped ruby as big as Sam's fist "This is the Dragon's Fire Ruby!" Said Longcurl "It has a magic Dragon's Fire in it!" Inside the jewel there was a fiery spark dancing inside it." When they got back to base, they didn't have any new missions for a while, so they had time to relax for two weeks. Episode Four: Todd Reynard ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** One day Sapphire came in annoyed "Stupid...This is stupid," she said . "What's wrong Sapphire?" asked Skeemo. "It's been two whole weeks and the this months addition of Animal Tales Magazine hasn't reached the store yet." Said Sapphire "I finally got an answer as to why, some trouble with the company deciding when Magazine Drop Off Day should be." Sapphire turned on her computer "Got to unwind...Let's see who they think is the sexiest Humanimal Alive." After some typing Sapphire gasped hard "Todd Reynard..." Sapphire red the Headline "...The Red Fox Man hailed Sexiest Humanimal alive is now wanted..." "What's Todd wanted for?" Asked Skeemo "Murder..." Sapphire gulped "Murder of his boyfriend Hare Humanimal Lucius O'Hare and...." She gulped again "...Doing obscene thing with his dismembered limbs.' (Based on this story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCQFWqqenjA) |
| Sam took a look, and cringed. "And here I thought that I'd had my share of strange lovers." "Really?" Skeemo asked. "One woman picked me on account of my disfigurements," said Sam. "I'll be honest, I'm not one to turn down free sex, but that woman had some sort of fetish!" "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "I don't mind women who think that scars are sexy, but she was treating them more than too sexy for my taste!" Sam shuddered. "She was sticking her tongue in my ear hole, my eye socket, the hole in my cheek - didn't even get a chance to take off my pants!" "Seriously?" Skeemo asked. "It would have been one thing if she was kissing them while we were having sex, I don't mind that," Sam said. "But we weren't having sex! I told her, that unless she took off her outfit, and did something else with me, I was going to leave." "What happened?" Sapphire asked. "Oh, she took off her outfit alright, and asked me to rub my face against her, um, you know." "And then what?" Skeemo asked. "I asked her if she was going to stick her face between my legs and take care of something else, and she said that she wasn't into that," said Sam. "So, I told her that I wasn't interested in rubbing my face between her legs, and I left the room." Sapphire gave a whistle. "That must of been painful for you." "You might say I like Quid pro quo," said Sam. "If you want to do something with my scars, I want you to be doing something else as well. Most are willing to do that, and I don't mind. But if they aren't going to do something else, I'll leave." "What about Paid Lovers?" Skeemo asked. "Somewhat different," said Sam. "You tell them what you want, or they don't get paid the full amount, or anything extra." |
| Skeemo returned from the restroom. "OK, I'm through puking my guts out. Any more amusing little videos you want to show us, Sapphire?" "No," she said. "I wasn't trying to gross you out. I just thought it was odd that Todd Reynard was voted sexiest humanimal and then a week later he is accused of something so disgusting. It's very strange." "Why?" said Skeemo. "You can't be both sexy and crazy? It happens all the time." |
| "I just thought...Todd Reynard is a big time celebrity...Why would he do such a thing?" Sapphire trembled "No one said you can't be a celebrity and evil." Sam said "If there is a bounty on his head, we can go after him, it's been two weeks since we had a mission, where is this guy?" "No one knows where he is no, but his hometown, and where the murder took place is Glasgow Scotland." "That's where we'll start." Said Sam |
| "One, moment," said Sam. "Did you say Glasgow, Scotland?" "That's right," said Sapphire. Sam frowned. "I'll fit in well with the the crowd." "What are you talking about?" Skeemo asked. "Some criminals like to mark their victims, by cutting a wound at the corner of the person's mouth, using a utility knife or broken glass, and then beat, or stab, the victim until it looks like they have something resembling the mockery of a smile," Sam said, as he pointed at his scarred up face. "It even has a name - the Glasgow Smile, among others." "I hate to ask, but, is it fatal?" asked Sapphire. Sam nodded. "If left untreated, the victim could potentially bleed to death, especially if the wound is big enough." Sapphire shuddered. "Sounds scary." "Just hope you don't get hit with a machete then," said Sam. "According to a buddy of mine from Mexico, they call that type of scar a machetazo, and said to me 'If you survive a blow from a machete, then God is on your side.' Makes me wonder what he'd say now if he saw my face." At this moment, Sam's phone rang. "Samuel Blacktail of Felcanrod! No Bounty too Large or Small! When you can't get the Police, give us a Call!" Sam listened for a moment, and chuckled. "It's good to hear from you as well, Mr. Smitty. It's been a while." Then the wolf frowned. "Yes, about that long. So, what did you call me for?" The wolf soon chuckled. "I'm sorry, but we've already got a job to - Wait! Where did you say you was delivering your cargo to?" The wolf listened some more. "I'll talk to my co-workers, and if they like the idea, I'll call you back." "What was that about?" Skeemo asked. "My former father-in-law's a little short-staffed at the moment, and needs some extra security guards to help protect some very important cargo," said Sam. "What kind of cargo?" Sapphire asked. "Project for the Military - Top Secret," said Sam. "Not even Mr. Smitty knows what it is." "Why did the Military ask him to deliver it then, and not themselves?" Skeemo asked. "Some sort of security issue," said Sam. "Anyways, the port they are going to is Glasgow, Scotland, and the pay is two hundred thousand dollars, each." Skeemo whistled. "Mr. Smitty sure knows how to pay a man." Sapphire chuckled. "Talk about timing. Here we are talking about going to Glasgow to search for a Bounty, and your former father-in-law calls us up offering to pay us to go there as part of an Bodyguard Job." "Tell me, are you on good terms with him, still?" Skeemo asked. "He doesn't call those he isn't on good terms with," said Sam. "So, do we do a job on the way to Glasgow, and get paid for it, or do we buy tickets, and pay out of our own pockets to go to Glasgow?" |
| "Hell yes, we get paid for it!" Skeemo said. "Tell him we'll take the job." A couple of days later, the Felcanrod crew found themselves on a motor-powered rubber raft being ferried out to a nondescript-looking cargo ship. "I thought you said this was a military job," Skeemo said. "That ship looks like something left over from an old black & white movie." "Low profile," Sam said. "We have to look like we're nothing important. But we will be shadowed by a military submarine, so we'll have plenty of protection." "And the sub can blow us out of the water if we try to make a detour. Sam, your little odd jobs always put our necks on the line. I better trust this cargo ship's captain as soon as I meet him." |
| Skeemo had a copy of Animal Tales Magazine in one hand and his handheld computer in the other He was going over the History of all Humanimals that Animal Tales had labeled 'Sexiest Humanimal Alive' and looking at all those who had ever won the dubious title Skeemo could only say "This contest is rigged." "What are you talking about?" Sapphire asked "I mean all the Humanimals who have ever won the title of Sexiest Humanimal Alive are only from a handful of species, all the winners are either Canines, Felines, Some Kinds of Ungulates like Horses, Bulls and Deer, and one Snake...One Reptiles and some select species of Mammals!" "Are you sore because no Rat has ever won?" Sam asked Skeemo blushed "No...I'm just saying I think the jury is not being impartial." |
| "Probably because most of the judges are human women," said Sam, as he took a quick look at the computer. "Can't blame them too much. Human woman have a tendency to pick those they think are cute, or strong, and not those they have a genetic fear of, or whatever." "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked. "Because ordinary rats tend to cause famines, especially in areas where grain is difficult to keep safe," said Sam. "It's part of the reason that cats were adopted by humans, to deal with them, and make sure the family wouldn't starve." "What about canines then?" Skeemo asked. "Because they dealt with bigger pests," said Sam. "I still say it isn't fair." "Well, might also be that there's a lack of Heroic Rats in fiction, and in Real Life," said Sapphire. "What are you talking about?" Skeemo asked. "I'm a Hero! I've saved peoples' lives and stopped bad guys!" "When was the last time a human woman had sex with you?" Sam asked. "Um, let's see... there was that time in - no, that was a shaved poodle. Maybe - no, that was a sphynx. What about - no, that was a mole rat." Skeemo looked at Sam. "I think you have a point there. It has been a while." Sam chuckled. "The next time I'm out looking for a Honey Bunny, I'll bring you along, and pay for one to take care of you." "And, just what are you three talking about?" The trio turned around, to find themselves looking at a young man, who seemed to have a perpetual sneer on his face. "I'll let you know when you reach puberty," said Sam, as he turned back around. "After all, it's not like you're anything important." "I'm twenty-one years old, mutt-face," said the young man. "More importantly, I'm Jason Smitty's Heir! I'm James Huntley Rodriguez Thomas-Smitty!" "Just because you have a big name don't make you a big man," said Sam. "Further more, you're his third wife's son, not his, and your mother's a gold-digger. Me, I married his daughter. That, and I know very well that I'm in the Will. He divorces your mother, and you'll get nothing." The man stuck his nose in the air, and walked off. "How did that man get on board?" Skeemo asked. "That's why we were offered so much money," muttered Sam. "Jason's a good man, but he's a fool when it comes to women - if they have red hair and green eyes, he'll hit on them, and if he's single, and they are as well, he'll fall in love right quick. He probably had Little Jimmy there placed on board in an attempt to make a man out of him." "You don't like him very much," said Sapphire. "Him, or his mother," said Sam. "Every time I'm there, I'm always making sure that the pictures of Annabel and me are standing on their shelves, or on their hooks. That woman is always putting them face-down, or taking them down, especially the ones where me and Annabel are together." |
| A few days later Skeemo said, "Well, we're almost at Glasgow. If there are any bad guys planning anything they better move quick." Sapphire frowned. "Don't wish bad stuff on us!" "Just kidding! But we should be extra alert, I think. The mission isn't over until it's over." Sam chuckled. "Did you make that one up? I kind of like it." "Why?" Sapphire said. "It makes no sense. It's just a statement of the obvious." "Women!" Sam said. "Not exactly the same sense of humor as men. Similar... but different." |
| As they reached, Glasgow, Sapphire spied something, in the middle of a meadow, was a small crumbling castle...Very odd |
| "Must of been where the Lord and Lady used to live," said Sam. "City's about one thousand five hundred years old, or so." "So, what's the plan?" Sapphire asked. "Talk to the local Authorities; find out if it's legal for us to hunt down this fugitive," said Sam. "If it's legal, get what information we can. If it's not, I don't mind having a vacation." "You have two days for your fun!" came James' voice. "If you're not back on board, we'll leave you!" Sam turned around, and walked up to the snooty human, who was standing on the edge of the docks. "Here's some advice, Jimmy; go cry to you mother!" He then pushed the human off the dock, into the water. James then came to the surface, splashing and screaming! "Help! I can't swim!" Sam looked at a sailor, who was watching things. "How deep is that water?" The sailor took a look. "Barely three meters, or, as you Americans prefer, less than ten feet." "Sam! You have to help me!" James shouted. "I'm drowning!" Sam groaned. "Fish him out, and after that, serve him hot tea - he hates tea." The sailor grinned. "I'll do that." Sam then walked towards the others, who both had looks on their faces. "Well, I couldn't leave him to drown." |
| The authorities were more than happy to have the bounty hunters' help. The sheriff was a thick-legged man in a kilt with a huge mustache. "Aye, this Todd Reynard be an inhuman devil indeed. The sooner he be dead or in prison, then we can all rest a little easier. But I have the feeling that he is no longer in Glasgow for we have searched everywhere." "You're probably right," Skeemo said. "Nevertheless, we better do a quick search of our own just to put our minds at ease. Any ideas, Sapphire?" "Yes," she said. "That crumbling castle we saw intrigues me. My intuition is tingling. Let's go have a look at it." |
| "Does he have any living relatives?" Sam asked "Aye." Said the Sherriff "Mr. and Mrs. Reynard be fine Foxes, me wonders how such nice beasts birthed a devil like him." "Indeed." Sam was stroking his chin, "May we talk to his parents?" "Aye." Said the Sherrif Mr. and Mrs. Reynard were clearly distraught over the news, but were willing to help Felcanrod "We don't know why our Todd would do this..." Mrs. Reynard "He was always such a sweet Cub, a little shy sometimes but he was artistic and driven." "Both of you were perfectly fine with Todd's sexuality?" Sam asked "Aye." Said Mr. Reynard "We're no bigots, the heart wants what it wants." Looking in the magazine featuring, Todd as Sexiest Humanimal Alive." Sam wondered why a Gay Man was chosen, normally the judges sought straight men...Looking at what works Todd had done, he had done a few Hollywood films but most everything else...Gay Erotica Films. |
| "Funny how people turn out," the wolf said. "Heard about this one guy - the son of a minister, with a good upbringing - went and killed twenty women. Then there's another guy - abusive father, neglectful mother - went and opened up plenty of orphanages and Foster Care programs. Then there's those who can change themselves around from leading one life, and lead another." "Like who?" Skeemo asked. "There's this Mexican-American actor, who I happen to like. In and out of prison for much of his early life. Guy became a consular, and while helping out a young movie star, he ended up getting a part on it - nothing major, but the people liked him, and they liked to use him for small parts, which eventually grew into being TV and B-Movie Lead Roles. Guy likes to play the Villain, or Anti-Hero roles. Got a good one last week - a Western with Supernatural elements. Guy plays an outlaw leader, who gets gunned down by his own gang, for being too soft. Guy makes a deal with the Devil - his soul's freedom, in exchange for those of his former gang members. Devil takes up his offer, and the lead starts to fly." (Actor story is based off of Danny Trejo https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Trejo) "You must like that type of stuff," said Sapphire. "I had a deal with my wife," said Sam. "I'd watch Romance with her if she watched my stuff with me." Sapphire smiled at this. "Nice to know." "Well, we'd best get going," said Sam. "Sapphire, see about booking us a hotel. Skeemo and I will go and see if the Locals know anything." "Where will we meet?" Sapphire asked. Sam pulled out a card, and gave it to her. "Try this place. Did them a favor fifteen years ago, back when me and Annabel were on our Honeymoon." "What was that favor?" Sapphire asked. "Let's just say that the Head of Security was sick that week, and someone tried to make off with one of the more wealthier guest's belongings," Sam said. "Twenty percent discount anytime I stay there, along with my friends." "What if they don't have room?" Sapphire asked. "They'll know who will, and they'll match the offer, or more," sad Sam. "Alright," said Sapphire. "Have fun." "Okay, Skeemo, just you and me," said Sam. A while later, the wolf and the rat were at an Establishment. "What are we doing here?" Skeemo asked. "Getting information," said Sam. "If the woman here don't know what we need, they'll know who will. Besides, I did offer to buy the services of one for you." Skeemo rubbed his hands. "Let's get to it." Sam and Skeemo walked up to the counter. "What do you want?" the man behind the counter asked. Sam gave the man a one-eyed wink. "I'll have an Average woman, and my friend here will have one that's Extra Fine." The man grinned. "Coming right up." A moment later, a gorgeous bombshell of a woman came up by the pair. "Who ordered the Average?" "That would be me," said Sam. "Follow me." Skeemo licked his lips as the two left. "If they call that Average, I can't wait to see Extra Fine!" "I'm here!" said a deep voice. "And I just love rat men!" Skeemo turned his head, and found himself looking at a very muscular woman, one of those Broomhilda-types, who was big everywhere. Oh crud! he thought. This is going to hurt! |
| "You do?" squeaked Skeemo. "Uh, one moment please while I consult with my friend." Skeemo pulled Sam aside. "What the hell? This is Extra Fine?" "Yeah," Sam said. "Her name is Electra Feenay, so we call her Extra Fine. Nice, huh? Great reputation." Skeemo just stared at him. "What's the matter?' Sam said. "Think you're not man enough for her?" "Of course I'm man enough for her!" Skeemo said. "I just usually spend time with smaller women. You know, the ones that aren't strong enough to crush my head between their arms like it was a watermelon?" "Are you boys talking about me?" Electra asked. Her voice was deeper than either of theirs. Meanwhile, Sapphire was talking to the desk clerk at the Heartbreak Hotel and wondering why in the world Sam would have taken Annabel on their honeymoon to a hotel with such a name. "We just need three single rooms." "No problem," the clerk said. "Ever since somebody started that rumor about the fox haunting this place, I've had plenty of cancellations." "Fox? Rumor? Tell me more," Sapphire said. |
| "Ever since Todd Reynard killed his boyfriend..." Said the Clerk "Someone's been trying to start to rumor that there is a Fox haunting this hotel." "But it's not true." Said Sapphire "Certainly not." Said the Sheep Man clerk Just then, Sapphire's stomach rumbled "How long has it been since you last ate?" Asked the Sheep Clerk "Couple hours at least." Said Sapphire "My shift's almost over." Said the Clerk "I could take you to supper." Sapphire didn't know why she accepted At the restaurant, she learned the Clerk's name was John Shear he came from a long line of Sheep Lords John ordered a Garden Salad with Catalina Dressing, Sapphire ordered a Cheeseburger with extra onions, When they're food arrived, Sapphire tore into her meal like a wild animal, she then noticed the look on her date's face "Excuse me..." Said Sapphire wiping ketchup from her face "It's all right." John said as he grazed on his salad "One of the biggest reasons there aren't more carnivore/herbivore couples is the Herbivore can't stand the smell of meat, I can handle it better then most." |
| "I take it you know Samuel Blacktail," said Sapphire. "Oh, it's thanks to him that we managed to avoid a terrible scandal," said John. "You see, when he and his wife visited our hotel, a very wealthy client had lost an item that was worth 200 times what our place was worth at the time - easily a billion American dollars, and we didn't have that kind of insurance to cover the missing item. In comes Samuel, with this attractive woman, and mind you, I was just a lamb at the time, my father was working at the desk at the time - always had a philosophy of make sure that you can do the work yourself before you force another to do it - and Samuel identified himself as an officer." "But, he's from America, and therefor was out of his jurisdiction," said Sapphire. "True, but he offered to help locate the missing item, especially since our Head of Security was sick with the flu at the time," said John. "Well, he managed to find it." "Where was the item?" Sapphire. "Let's just say that it fell behind a stack of chairs in the Swimming Area," said John."That and a certain kid had found it, and had thought that it was just a nice watch, with fancy stones." "A billion dollar watch?" Sapphire asked. "It was a Rolex, studded in the finest of diamonds, rubies, sapphires, and it was made out of gold," said John. "Who was this kid that found it?" Sapphire asked. John chuckled, nervously. "Like I said - the kid thought that it was just a cool watch, and didn't know how valuable it was." Sapphire smiled. "I see. What happened afterwards?" "My father was going to make his stay for free, but he turned that down," said John. "At this, the client bought Samuel Lifetime Platinum Hotel Membership - and any hotel in the program has to honor it - Stay in the best rooms at the same price as an economy room, for starters." Sapphire blinked. "Maybe I should upgrade our rooms." |
| "I'll be happy to do it," said John Shear. "If you had mentioned Samuel Blacktail when you first asked for rooms, I would have done it then. Looks like you enjoyed that cheeseburger. How about some dessert?" |
| "Oh..." Sapphire said "Cats don't have the ability to taste sweetness." "They don't?" Asked John "No...We lost that ability to taste sweetness somewhere in our evolution...Because when you it nothing but raw meat you're not really going to taste a lot of sweetness, I'll just order a glass of milk..." "Very well." John said "I'll order a Devil's Food Cake, since I don't have to worry about Chocolate Allergy." When the deserts game, Sapphire sipped on her milk, while John tore into his cake like a wild animal. "I guess it's true what they say about Herbivore love of desserts." Sapphire said Now it was John's turn to be bashful Yes I guess we do have that." "Todd was a Carnivore and his boyfriend was an Herbivore...Do you think there is an inherent danger in Herbivores getting into relationships with their predators?" |
| "I don't know," said John. "I mean, I've seen many Carnivore-Human couples. I mean, think about it - most Herbivores have Natural Defenses. Humans don't have any sort of advantage over creatures with long sharp claws and wicked flesh-tearing teeth, if you'll forgive my over generalization, and yet, I don't see too many problems with them. To be honest, I've even seen Herbivore-Carnivore couples come into the place, but, except for a couple of instances, there weren't any issues. As for the issues, some of it was your typical husband-wife issues - some minor jealousy/cheating on the spouse, figuring out who's paying which part of the bill, who left the seat up, did someone remember to lock the doors - your usual stuff." "But, what about the incident between Todd and his boyfriend?" asked Sapphire. "What's your take on that?" "I've heard stories about Herbivore-Carnivore couples, and even Carnivore-Human couples, where the Non-Carnivore likes being treated like a meal by their partner, with sauces, and licking, and even some biting," said John. "But, I wouldn't know the truth of that too much, although, occasionally, my kitchen receives orders for condiments, but nothing to go with said condiments. After all, we tend to leave couples to their own devices." Sapphire chuckled. "I'll have to talk to Sam about that." She then did some thinking. "You said that you knew Samuel when he was married. What was he like?" "He was friendly, talkative, understanding, especially towards those who had picked up items that rightfully belonged to someone else, and he was never without a smile, especially whenever his wife was around," said John. "And the way he treated her, was like a gardener with a rosebush, always delicate, no tension between them, complete trust, never forcing her into something, never tightly gripping her hands, but holding them gently, allowing her to drag him around, and even if he didn't want to go, he'd go with her anyways. It was pure love, or so it seemed to me at that age." "What about afterwards?" Sapphire asked. John lowered his voice. "Very different. His happiness was gone. The warmth was gone. I was even afraid of him." "What about now?" John shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure." |
| Meanwhile, Sam and Skeemo were sitting at a table with Ava Rage and Electra Feenay, getting drunker. Skeemo was thinking he might have to be very drunk to have a good time with his giantess. All too soon, Sam said, "Well, this is fun but the night is wasting away. I say we retire to the rooms for the main event." Ava Rage giggled. Electra Feenay laughed a big hearty Santa Claus laugh that jarred Skeemo's nerves. Oh well, how bad could it be? He downed another shot of straight whiskey. "Good idea! To the beds!" Skeemo and Electra stumbled into a bedroom and shut the door. The room seemed small with Electra in it. "Do you want me to leave the lights on?" she said. "No!" Skeemo blurted. "I mean, I prefer dim lighting if you don't mind. It's sexier." "Whatever you like," Electra said. She unfastened her corset and let it drop to the floor. It sounded like a weightlifter dropping his weight bar. "Whew!" she said. "That's a relief to be out of that thing!" Even in the dark Skeemo could see she was now twice as big as she was in the corset. How did she breathe in it? Skeemo was lying on the bed on his back, too dizzy from the liquor to get undressed. Electra crawled up on him on all fours, then suddenly collapsed onto him. "Help!" Skeemo tried to say. He could barely get enough air into his lungs. "Help! Get off! You're crushing me!" "I'm sorry, honey!" Electra said. "It's my trick elbow. It gave out all of a sudden." She managed to roll off him so they were side by side. The bed creaked like an old galleon in a sea storm. Skeemo drew in a much-needed gasp of fresh air. "Thanks! Everything was going black. I thought it was the end." |
| The Next Day...Sapphire awoke in bed after her date with John Shear (She didn't sleep with him, after supper they parted ways) She went to Skeemo's room to find him...Drinking a really strong whiskey. She left Skeemo to talk to Sam "I think we should investigate that old castle, it seems like the perfect place for a fugitive to hide." She said "If you say so..." Said Sam as he 'wolfed' down a mouthful of bacon |
| "What happened to Skeemo last night?" Sapphire asked. Sam grinned. "He met up with a woman who was too much for him." "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "Oh, she's friendly enough, talkative, great for making you laugh, but you want to be on top of her," said Sam. "Why's that?" Sapphire asked. "Because she's nearly 500 pounds in weight," said Sam. Sapphire's eyes bulged. "Skeemo had sex with a 500 pound woman?" "Yeah, only he forgot to ask to be on top." Sapphire cringed. "That must have hurt." "Hence why he's drunk," said Sam. "Trying to escape the pain of last night." "What about you?" Sapphire asked. "I picked someone more manageable." "By the way," said Sapphire. "Last night I was talking to the clerk, and he mentioned how that, in couples where one of the pair is a Carnivore, the Non-Carnivore will occasionally be treated like a meal, covered in sauces and such, with the carnivore licking them, or even biting them. Is there any truth to that?" Sam chuckled nervously. "Well, I can't speak for every Carnivore/Non-Carnivore couple, but me and Annabel were into some kinky things, and that was one of them. It was something we found out about online, and I'll tell you this, we had fun doing it." "Is this something you'd do with a Paid Lover?" Sapphire asked. "Most of the time, no," said Sam. "It's the sort of thing that requires a lot of trust, and, unless you really know them, a Paid Lover isn't going to trust you that much." "So, what all were you and Annabel into?" "Most anything, short of that asphyxiation stuff," said Sam. "I didn't want to accidentally strangle either her, or myself, if you understand what I'm saying." |
| "Do you think it's true that a person's orgasm is enhanced if they are about to die?" Sapphire asked. "It's not unreasonable," Sam said. "I mean, if your adrenalin was pumping and your nervous system was over-excited, then I guess it makes sense your orgasm would be more intense." Sapphire shuddered. "It gives me the creeps to think some people take themselves to the edge of death with those asphyxiation techniques just to increase their sexual pleasure." "And every now and then one of them goes over the edge and accidentally kills himself," Sam said. "That's focusing on sex too much. There is more to life than sex." |
| "And there goes whatever element of surprise we might have had," said Sam. "Assuming that anyone is in this place. I mean, look at this dust - aside from where we have steeped, it's undisturbed. Of course, if there's some that has been disturbed in one of the other rooms, then we have company." "So, what's your suggestion?" Sapphire asked. "Split up, or stick together?" "Stick together, always," said Sam. |
| "Yes, if there is one lesson to learn from watching horror movies," Skeemo said, "it is NEVER SPLIT UP." "Haha!" Sam said. "Like you check the attic while I check the basement." "Okay," Sapphire said. "Can we at least be a little quiet about it?" "Sorry," Skeemo said. "I forgot you are convinced Todd is hiding here in this old castle." |
| "Let's look in this room," Sapphire said. Inside the room there was a remarkably well-preserved bookcase. "How have these books not crumbled to dust?" asked Sam. |
| "Maybe there's a ghost that likes them," Skeemo suggested. Sam chuckled. "It would have to be a bunch of ghost stories for them to do that." |
| Skeemo selected a volume. "Here's one about Atlantis! I wonder if I could borrow this?" "You know what?" Sam said, as he also examined the books. "I don't think this bookcase is as old as the castle." "It couldn't be," Sapphire said, "but there could have been people living here until recently. They could have had modern furniture. Maybe an earthquake did so much damage to the castle that they moved out." "I guess we can research that." |
| Skeemo looked at the bookcase "This is my favorite Stephen King book!" As Skeemo pulled on the book, the Bookcase swung around pushing the three heroes to the other side "So it's one THOSE bookcases." Said Sam "Hey!" Sapphire said quietly, peeping through a crack in the bookcase "I see Reynard." Reynard was entering the room, he was naked, and seemed to have a deranged look in his eyes, like his mind was somewhere else |
| "Alright," Sam whispered. "Let's try to capture him. After all, a live bounty is worth more than a dead one." |
| "But he's naked," Skeemo whispered. "It won't turn you gay to capture him," Sam whispered. The fox gave no sign that he was aware of their existence as the three bounty hunters encircled him, hands out, moving slowly in, ready to pounce... |
| When they touched him Todd gave an unearthly screech and started trying to bite them, He bit Skeemo's had which caused the rat to let go of him and Todd darted into another room. "Follow him! Yelled Sam they saw he was going up the stairs thy followed afraid their combined weight would cause the old stairs to collapse When Todd reached the top of the tower exposed to the open sky the lightning flashed the rain began to pour on him and Todd broken down and began to weep. "You can take me now." The Fox said now quite coherently "I don't want to be a monster anymore." "What is he talking about?" Skeemo asked "I think I understand."Sapphire said "Poor Todd Dissociative identity disorder formerly known as multiple personality disorder." |
| "In short, Jekyll and Hyde," said Sam. "Violent and vicious one moment, Kind and caring the next, or so however long the episode lasts, or whatever the other personality is like. Hopefully there isn't three of them." "Three?" Skeemo asked. "Dealt with a guy that was a gentleman one moment, a woman trapped in a man's body the next, and a cold-blooded murderer the next," said Sam. "It was an interesting case, one that involved a surgeon being murdered, along with a sex therapist!" "How did that work?" Sapphire asked. "As far as I could tell, the female personality wanted a sex change, the murderer personality did not, and thus killed the surgeon and the therapist, and the poor gentleman didn't know what was going on with the other two," said Sam. "Sent him to one of those special prison hospitals." "So, what do we do with him?" Skeemo asked, as he pointed as Todd with his good hand. "I have a syringe with tranquilizer medicine, and plastic restraints," said Sam. "I say we use them while we have the chance, take him to the Sheriff, tell him to arrange for a transfer to one of those Prison Hospitals, and maybe he'll get the medical help he needs." He then looked at Todd. "I hope you don't mind that situation, and allow us to inject you peacefully. After all, I don't want to have to hurt you. I don't want to hurt a man who is not well." |
| "Is this true what you say about me?" Todd said. "That I am three different people in one body?" "Well, we don't know how many of you there are," Sam said. "That's for the doctors to figure out. But I'm sure they can help you." "Yes!" Sapphire said. "You must get the help you need." "You seem like a very kind person," Todd said, looking at Sapphire. "Is it true the authorities will help me and not kill me? Because I really get the feeling that they want to kill me." |
| "I'm sort of surprised Sam doesn't find the fact that she wasn't wearing anything under that skirt a surprise," said Skeemo. "You like most anything else." "I've seen plenty of naked pigs, thank you very much," said Sam. "Some are quite flexible." "What about male pigs?" Sapphire asked. "Are they flexible as well?" "I don't sleep with other men, so I wouldn't know," said Sam. "That being said, never seen a pig with wings before. Must be a hybrid, or something, maybe even an alien." "Aren't we going to go after her?" Skeemo asked. "Nothing illegal about being strange, unless there's something in those cookies," said Sam. "As it is, there's someone I want to see even more so." "Who would you want to be meeting around here?" Skeemo asked. "Tell me it isn't another big woman you plan to leave me with." Sam smiled. "Just a friend, and her kid." "What kind of friend are we talking about?" Sapphire asked. "The kind of friend you make after you rebuild your old home, only to find that you have no emotional attachment to it, and then discover that there's a woman, and a baby, in need of a place to stay, and thus give them the place, and you've managed to make sure that the payments on this house have been taken care of," said Sam. Sapphire blinked at this. "Do you love her?" Sam shrugged his shoulders. "It's possible. I've seen her for the past eight years, and I've been there when she's needed help, like the time the sink got all messed up, and the plumber was away, and I managed to fix it. She was also one of the first people not to be put off by my face on our first meeting." "How did you meet?" Sapphire asked. "In line at the grocery store," said Sam. "She was ahead of me, trying to figure out if she should pay for things for her baby fox child, that some looser had dumped her with, or if she should buy the things that she needed. Eighteen years old, no job, no home, no money, and with a baby carnivore to feed - well, I suppose foxes are more omnivorous than a wolf like me, but they still require a high protein intake, especially compared to a human baby at that age. One look, and I knew the story, and how it would end - the baby abandoned, maybe dead, and she, most likely dead within a year. I paid for her groceries, bought her lunch, heard her story - asshole parents who had disowned her over an affair with someone who wasn't human, the father didn't want to be a father - don't ask me the how or why there, as I know that foxes tend to be loyal to their mates - she had problems getting a job, what with her being kicked out of a prestigious school for having this baby, no collage education, and no place to go, but the streets." "No one wanted her?" Sapphire asked. "She had no one, but that baby, and all I had was a house I didn't love, memories I couldn't forget, and money I couldn't care for," said Sam. "I gave her the house, money for her education, pay for a babysitter, whatever she needed, and a chance at a new life." The wolf laughed. "The sight of her getting the keys to the house, and the check for the money, was the first time, since my wife had died, that I could smile without feeling any pain." |
| "I feel funny," Skeemo said. "Do you think there was something in that cookie you ate?" Sam asked. "I don't know. I guess that was stupid to eat a cookie offered to me by a stranger." "Oh, the cookie was probably all right," Sapphire said. "That pig fairy probably is out here every day. Maybe it's just jet lag. Do you want to see a doctor?" |
| "Yeah..." Said Skeemo "...I think that's a good idea." The Local Humanimal Doctor was a Red Tailed Hawk Woman named Vergo Danes "OK..." The Hawk said "I've finished doing to X-Rays and...At the moment she looked at the X-Rays her eyes nearly popped out of her head "What in the?!" She exclaimed "I see Yellow Stars and Pink Hearts with smiling faces in your friend's stomach! It looks like either a Kid's Cereal Commercial or a Cartoon for Toddlers!" |
| Sam groaned as he heard this. "Doc, something tells me that you're going to get a lot more business, and a lot of them will be kids." "Why do you say this?" Vergo asked. Sam pointed out the window. "That might be a clue." Vergo and Sapphire took a look. "That is not good," said the hawk. Sapphire gulped. "There's so many of them." "You two better find out who did this," said Vergo. "This might be the beginnings of an epidemic." "What about me?" Skeemo asked. "You're not going anywhere," said Vergo. "Not until that stuff is gone." Skeemo groaned. "I hate doctors." Soon enough, Sam and Sapphire found themselves trying to elbow their way through a large group of concerned parents and their children. Eventually, Sam stopped in front of a woman holding onto a fox boy. "Sam, what's going on?" the woman asked. "One moment he was eating some candy that this lady was giving out, and the next, he's violently ill." Sam frowned as he looked at the boy. "I do not know, Janell, but you have my word that I'll do whatever it takes to help Matt." The woman grabbed a hold of him. "You'd better. Matt's all I've got!" Sam nodded. "Like I said - whatever it takes." |
| "Next stop, the airport," Sam said. "What?!" Sapphire said. "The airport?" "Yeah. Pig lady flies. We talk to Air Traffic Control. They've got radar records. Although it's hard to believe she filed a flight plan." "Sam, I think you're allowed to fly below 500 feet without any kind of flight plan." "Really?" "Sure. You know, drones, and model airplanes, and even experimental airplanes just big enough for one person." "Nevertheless," Sam said. "Flight is involved and the airport seems a logical place to start." "I think we better consult a chemist, too, as soon as they get a sample of those candies," Sapphire said. "Oh sure, we have to get the candy analyzed and see what it is. I suspect any candy given out by a flying pig will have magical qualities of some kind." "Then we better consult with a magic expert also." "We're going to be running up a big consulting bill at this rate. I wonder what Skeemo will think of that?" "He's just hoping all those little stars and hearts in his belly don't explode." |
| (Author's Note: CAMEO TIME!) Just then a Red Squirrel Humanimal ran up to them "Excuse me..." Panted the Squirrel "I'm Jim Buckwheat and I think I know how that flying Pig came to be." Sam and Sapphire looked at each other "A while back I entered a dessert contest...I baked the best possible dessert I could think of, but it lost to Twinkies! They weren't even taken out of their wrappers, it was clear the host was giving Twinkies first prize because the person who entered them was his son...I was so mad I went home and started making chocolate, I must have been complaining really loudly, because Marzipan...A Cat who was studying how to be a Mage, came in and cast a spell I'm at me, but hit the chocolate, Marzipan said it was a spell to instantly make me happy, but since she enchanted my pot of chocolate I threw the Chocolate out the Window where I think it was eaten by some Pig who was wandering outside." |
| Sam blinked as he heard this. "Magic chocolate? That pig is out here because of magic chocolate?" Then, his eyes narrowed. "You'd better help fix this mess! There's a boy I watched grow up, who is now stuck in a hospital with dozens of others, because of that pig!" "You remind me of someone," said Jim. Sam grabbed the squirrel, and held a knife to his throat. "I hope it's the Grimm Reaper, because you'll be seeing him if you don't help!" "Yep, you're just like James," said the squirrel. "Arrogant, and prone to violent means to get what you want." "Sam, let go of him," Sapphire said, as she carefully placed her hands on the wolf's wrist. Sam growled, as he sheathed his knife, and dropped the squirrel on his rear. "Bad mood much?" Jim groaned as he stood up. "I'll have to apologize for him," said Sapphire. "It seems that a kid that he cares for has fallen ill because of this pig, along with a friend of ours. He isn't thinking clearly, not that I blame him." "Well, as I was trying to say, before your friend decided to give me a lift," said Jim. "I'm here to help, along with a few others." |
| "I hope you brought that Marzipan person with you," Sam said, "because it sounds like she is the one ultimately responsible for all this." "Oh sure," Sapphire said. "Blame the cat." "It was her spell," Sam said. "If you can't control your magic, then don't cast your spell." |
| Vergo Danes suddenly ran out "Guys! Guys!" She panted "What is it?" James asked "Is anyone dying?" "Not dying!" Said Vergo "We misunderstood the ailment! It wasn't so much a sickness as it was a...Mutation...You see..." Just then, Skeemo was flying out of the clinic on his own fairy wings, it looked like he had turned into a Care Bear Cousin, he now had bright pink fur with a white muzzle and belly "Hello Friends!" In a voice that sounded like he became a prepubescent again "Yeah..." Vergo said "So I guess we can take comfort in the fact this isn't going to kill any of the children." "I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth." Said Sapphire |
| "I'm still inclined to reverse this stuff," said Sam. "Parents will not like the idea of their children flying around, and talking like they are on helium, or something." |
| "I don't like the idea myself," Skeemo said in his helium voice. "Although... the flying part is kind of cool. Watch this!" And he did a couple of loop the loops. "It's affected your judgement, too," said Vergo Danes, the hawk woman doctor. "Now you think like a child." Vergo turned to Sam and Sapphire. "He's not carrying a gun, is he?" "I don't think so," Sam said. "We've still got a flying pig to catch. No telling how many people Bon Bon is infecting right this moment. Listen Sapphire, why don't you handle the 'reversal' angle of this, you now, figure out how to get the infected people back to normal, while I launch an all-out search for Bon Bon?" "That sounds good to me," Sapphire said. "What's my job?" Skeemo squeaked. "To stay out of trouble and to get down here on the ground on your feet." |
| "I don't want to." Skeemo said "I want to eat sweets! Lots and lots of sweets!" Jim took Sapphire to Marzipan |
| Sam was soon down a familiar street. The houses were familiar, and so were the faces. Then again, he'd once patrolled these streets, keeping Law and Order, making the place fit for families to live. For the most part, the homes were still fit for families, and there wasn't much sign of gang activity, though he paused at a seemingly abandoned home that was marked. The wolf sniffed the air, and caught the scent of tobacco smoke and alcohol, and the scents of at least five people who were not old enough to be having the stuff. "Idiots," he muttered, as he walked up before the door, and kicked it in. "Housekeeping!" There in front of him were two cats, a dog, a fox, and a human, and none of them were over eighteen years old, let alone twenty-one, all with fear in their eyes. "Let's get out of here!" one of the cats yelled. The group tried to scramble out of the room, towards the back. "I don't think so!" Sam pulled his knife, and threw it, the blade landing in the door frame, just by the first one's ear. "He can't have any more!" shouted the fox. Sam drew his gun. "I've got fifteen in here! Trust me, it's enough, so sit your asses in those seats! Now!" The group, reluctantly, sat down. Sam walked over to where the group had been sitting. He looked at the smokes and the drinks. "Interesting." He picked up one of the still burning butts, and took a few puffs of it, the smoke coming out the holes on the left side of his face. He picked up a can, and poured some through the hole in his face, before spitting it out. He then looked at the group. "Do you think that this stuff will make you become men?" He kicked the table, scattering the contents, spilling bear, and putting out the cigarettes. "This stuff will kill you before you make it to fifty. Where did you get it?" "What are you?" the one asked. "Some sort of cop?" "I was the baddest cop in the whole city," said Sam. "In fact, I was so bad, I had to leave the force. And if you don't take my word, you can trust my face. You don't get these by being nice! Now, where did you get it?" "Stole it." Sam growled. "Consider this your only warning - I catch you doing this sort of stuff again, and I'll haul you in to Child Services! Now, get out!" At this, the five ran past him. Sam spat, trying to rid himself of the taste in his mouth. He then resumed his walk. |
| Sapphire and Marzipan sized each other up. Both being cats, they instantly felt competitive, but Sapphire realized she needed to be friendly to make any progress. "They tell me you are learning magic." "I was only trying to make Jim happy," Marzipan said. "There is a simple spell you can throw to make someone happy, but I missed and hit his pot of chocolate! It doesn't have exactly the same effect on food as it does on people." "So we have found out," Sapphire said. "The pig that ate the chocolate is now a pig fairy called Bon Bon who flies from town to town giving out magic cookies and candies that make people kind of crazy. How could things have gotten so out of control?" "I'm not sure!" Marzipan wailed. "There must be some kind of multiplier effect!" "How do we nullify the effect so we can get the affected people back to their normal selves?" "I don't knowwwwww!" cried Marzipan. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" "Well, something has to be done about this and you know more than anyone else about it, so what can we do?" |
| After a few moments of looking in her books, Marzipan said "I think I know what's going on, since the spell is to meek others happy putting it in food will cause whoever eats the food to become happy, however something went wrong, the spell is now acting like a virus, using whoever becomes affected to spread the spell by making more and more happy sweets, the hosts become embodiments of happiness." |
| "I know of someone who could use some happiness, but I doubt he'd like being forced to be happy," said Sapphire. "Then again, he gets his own version of happiness when he's with a woman." "One of your partners?" Marzipan asked. Sapphire nodded. "He's trying to find that pig, and it seems he has a big reason to do so." "What kind of reason?" Marzipan asked. "Seems that there's a kid, that he watched grow up, who got infected by this stuff," said Sapphire. "One thing I do know is this - that pig uses sweets to spread this condition." |
| Skeemo sat in a playpen playing with his toe. Two doctors observed him. One of them had a clipboard. "You're sure he is regressing?" asked Doctor A. "All of them are," said Doctor B. "They are becoming mentally younger and younger." "But where will it end?" "I don't want to imagine it. I guess with no mind at all. We need to find a cure for this before it's too late." |
| "There has got to be an antidote for the spell." Marzipan said flipping through her spell book "Could you just make a spell that will someone sad or mad?" Sapphire asked "That would just cause another extreme we want to cancel the first spell...OK I'm seeing a recipe for a potion in here...The first thing we need is some sassafras root the next thing we need..." Marzipan winched "It's something awful isn't it?" Said Sapphire "The next thing we need is...Some blood from Black Bear." Marzipan said "Doesn't specify weather the Bear is to be Normal or Humanimal." |
| "That shouldn't be too hard to find," said Sapphire. "I'll call Sam. He might know of what we need." The cat got out her phone and called up the wolf. "Sam, need a line on some Black Bears. We're not sure about if we need a Normal one or a Humanimal We need some blood from one." "Try the zoo for a normal one, and as for the Humanimal one, if he hasn't retired, Sergeant Clemmings would be the bear you need," said Sam. "Clemmings is a lot like me - we worked together on a number of cases. He saved my life once, and me him." "Thanks for the information, Sam," said Sapphire. "Have you found that pig yet?" "Still looking." "You'd better move quicker. Things are getting worse." "I will." The cat closed the phone. "He'll find that pig. I know he will." Meanwhile, Sam was down another familiar street, when he spotted a certain house. He walked up to it, and knocked on the door. There was some rattling and clacking before the doorknob turned, and the door began to open. "Janell, is Matt - Oh! I'm sorry Mister Blacktail, I didn't know that you were in town," said an one-armed female rabbit, who was wearing the outfit of a maid. "I am, and no, Matt isn't alright," Sam said. "Can I come in, Susan?" "You are always welcome, that's what Janell says anyways," the rabbit said, as she opened the door the rest of the way. Sam walked in. "Just remembering my manners." He then took his boots off. "Other than Matt, any issues?" "Aside from some young punk who thought that they could take me on, not really." "What happened?" Sam asked. "The Mistress was out shopping, with young Matt, and this young man tried to break in through the window - well, actually, he did break in," said Susan. "I came into the room, and found him. He pulled a knife on me - I taught him a thing or two with my feather duster, before I got down to business, and gave him a good crack over the head. After that, I tied him up, called the police, and they took the trash out. He's probably still trying to figure out how a one-armed bunny got the best of him." Sam chuckled. "That's why I hired you to protect them while I'm away. People underestimate rabbits, especially one-armed female ones that people don't know where in the Special Forces." Susan giggled. "You ever make that mistake?" Sam chuckled nervously. "Once. Cost me some of my ego. Luckily, we were both undercover officers, and after she kicked me in the jewels, she recognized me, and we were able to accomplish the mission." "What was that?" Susan asked. "Well, I was trying to bring down a drug dealer, and she was trying to bring down someone in the Sex Slavery Trade," said Sam. "Turns out that they were one and the same." "So, do you need any help?" Susan asked. "Yeah, I'm trying to catch a flying pig," said Sam. "Do you have a line on a large Bar-BQ Smoker?" |
| "I'd think a flying pig would be pretty easy to catch," Susan said. "I mean, how fast could a pig fly?" "It's not the speed that's got us stumped," Sam said. "It's the location. We don't know where the pig is." "Did you know pigs like to get their tails curled?" Susan said. "I thought pigs tails were naturally curly," Sam said. "That's what they WANT you to think. Actually, there is a network of underground pig tail curling salons. Every city has at least one and sometimes two or three if it's a large city. If your Miss Bon Bon is like most female pigs, she isn't going to go for long without getting her tail curls touched up." "Thanks for the tip, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have a list of all the pig tail curling salons, would you?" "No, but I think I know where you can get one." |
| Marzipan looked at the recipe for the potion "OK." She said "The Third and Final Ingredient is the Tail of Leopard Gecko." "It sure is a good thing Geckos can grow their tails back." Sapphire said "Yeah but most hate having to lost their tails." Said Marzipan |
| "How fresh do you want your Gecko?" Clemmings asked, as the bear rubbed the site that the cats had taken blood from him. The cats looked at him. "Very fresh would be good," said Marzipan. "Well, if your spell doesn't mind a tail from a dead one, there's an officer laying in the Morgue," said Clemmings. "Young one, fresh from the Academy, got caught up in a shootout between two gangs yesterday. Talk to the family - they might be willing to donate the tail, but, then again, they practice a different religion, and might have different beliefs in regards to the treatment of the dead." Sapphire nodded. "Understood. Got an address?" The bear nodded. "Got it memorized." |
| Mama and Papa Gecko stared at Marzipan. Mama Gecko said, "Lady, are you out of your freaking mind? You come in here when my dead son's body is lying stretched out on a slab in the morgue and ask me if you can HAVE HIS TAIL?! Do you think his dead body is going to grow a new tail? Is that what you think? Oh, sure, he's a gecko so he'll just grow a new tail. Well, here's a news flash. My son will never grow a new tail again! Get out of my house, you crazy freak!" "How did it go?" asked Clemmings when Marzipan got back. "Not too well," Marzipan said. "They aren't the organ donating type." |
| Clemmings looked at his claws "I know one of the Morgue guys..." He said quietly "A Black Vulture, I can grease his palms and he'll remove the tail in private and give it to us." "What are you going to grease his palms with?" Marzipan asked "Caviar." Clemmings said "Were you thinking I was going to give him another corpse? No, the guy is working class only ever gets caviar at my parties so I'll give him some in exchange for the tail." |
| "Are you sure that you'll be able to do this?" Sapphire asked. Clemmings looked at her. "Let's just say that Sam isn't the only cop not afraid to get his hands dirty. Then again, it's not like the family knows the full extent of their son's injuries, and the body was to be cremated anyways." "And you're doing this because Sam saved your life?" Marzipan asked. The bear grinned. "That's right." Marzipan looked at Sapphire. "I'd like to meet this Sam." |
| "Maybe you'll get the chance," Sapphire said, "but whatever you do, don't go out with him alone." Around 3am there was a knock on the door. "It's me, Kreex," said a muffled voice. "That's my vulture friend," Clemmings said. He answered the door and came back with a dirty cloth bag. "Well, here's your tail." "Good," Marzipan said. "Now we can get something done." "I'm not sure I want to watch this," Sapphire said. |
| Marzipan mixed all the ingredients into a cauldron and started to stir, and after 20 minutes of stirring the water into the cauldron turned into a bright green elixir. "There!" Marzipan said taking a bottle and filling it with the bright liquid "We have the cure!" |
| "It better work," Sapphire said, just as the door opened, and Sam walked in. "Did you find the antidote?" the wolf asked. "I think we have," said Sapphire. "Oh, and this is Marzipan, our one squirrel's friend." Sam looked at the young cat. "It had better work, or you'll be short about six lives." "Is he like that with everyone?" Marzipan asked. "Just be glad there isn't a Dead or Alive bounty on your head," said Sam. "If any of those kids die, I'll personally kill you myself." "Sam, we're on the same side," said Sapphire. "Did you locate the pig?" Sam sighed as he sat down. "No, but I put the word out, that and the Mayor has issued a nice reward for information leading to her arrest, along with a nice bounty." "How much?" Sapphire asked. "Two hundred thousand, Alive or Dead," said Sam. "Seems the Mayor's daughter's one of those who have been afflicted, and will pay the reward themselves, and not from the Taxpayers' funds." "Well, we might be able to save them," said Sapphire, as she held up the bottle. Sam looked at it. "Start with Skeemo. Parents would skin us alive if we tested it on their kids." "Did you see your one friend?" Sapphire asked. "Stopped by her place, met up with her maid/security guard, Susan, but Janell's with Matt at the moment, not that I blame her," said Sam. "After all, when your kid's sick with some unknown illness, you don't want to leave their side." "I guess that makes sense," said Sapphire. "So, do you plan on going out to do any visiting?" Sam shook his head. "Any other case, I probably would go and visit a woman, but not in this case." "What's so different about this one?" Sapphire asked. "Because I swore an oath to protect these people once," said Sam. "I may not wear the uniform anymore, but those parents that came to the hospital were people I knew, maybe not by name, but I watched over them for five years as a cop, and still watch over as a private citizen. I watched those kids grow up. I know them. Until this case is over, I'm not going to just visit some Establishment, because even they won't be up to working with all this going on." |
| Skeemo lay on a table getting his diaper changed, babbling happily to himself. Clean diaper was always better than dirty diaper. "Geez!" Sam said. "I think he's got one foot in the womb. How far back would he go, Doc? Would he turn into an egg?" The doctor chuckled. "The regression has slowed down quite a bit. Apparently, becoming like you were just born is as far back as it goes." "That would be too far for me. Give him a tablespoon of this green elixir." The doctor held up the glowing green bottle and looked skeptically at it. "What's in this?" "You don't want to know, doc. I don't think it fits in with what they teach in medical school." "Well, I can't be responsible for giving a patient some- Hey! What are you doing?" Sam had rustled around in the drawers for a spoon and now he was tipping a spoonful of the green stuff into Skeemo's mouth. Skeemo swallowed it. Looked thoughtful. Then his eyes grew big as saucers. He clutched at his throat and made gagging noises. "Pat him on the back!" someone said and Sam did. Skeemo hacked and coughed and suddenly a dozen butterflies, some candy hearts, and lot of tiny smiley faces exploded from his mouth. It was projectile vomiting, but nice stuff. "Great Rat God of the Universe, what was that crap?!" Skeemo said. "And what am I doing in a diaper? What the hell is going on?" "It's a long story," Sam said. "Get dressed while I tell you. We've got work to do." Sam turned to the doctor. "I don't trust you with this elixir. I'll make sure the kids get some." |
| "Holy Shiitakke mushrooms!" Skeemo said when he heard about everything "I turned Hot Pink and White?!" "Yes." Sapphire said When Skeemo heard about the death threats Sam made to Jim and Marzipan Skeemo turned to Sam "Geez Sam! Can you maybe relax once and while and not issue death threats to everyone? I mean those tow were just teenagers! They were trying to help and the whole thing was an accident, Could you maybe let some people finish talking before you grab them by the neck and make with the death warrants! I know you care about that Girl and her Family but I think I think it's basic animal decency to treat the Creatures trying to help you with some civility." Skeemo took a deep breath "Sorry Sam, but when I was in the Bounty Hunter Academy, one of my biggest pet peeves were people who jumped to conclusions before I finished talking." |
| "And, to clarify things, Janell had a son, not a daughter," said Sam. "I was talking about Janell," said Skeemo. "And to clarify things further, you were affected, and there's still at least two hundred children affected, maybe more," said Sam. "And, on top of that, that pig is still out there, getting people sick on her cookies! I believe that warrants being pissed off." |
| "Okay, okay," Skeemo said. "I should know better than to try to change your personality. We all are what we are, right?" "Right!" Sam said, "And what we are is bounty hunters and we have a pig to catch. Otherwise, we'll have to make more elixir and chase that pig all over the world undoing everything she does." "One thing I'm confused about," Sapphire said. "Why didn't Bon Bon regress?" Skeemo scratched his whiskers. "That's a good point." "It could be because she was a natural pig," Sam said, "and not an anthro. The magic in the chocolate affected her differently." "And here's another thing," Sapphire said. "Where does she get all the candy and cookies and cupcakes she gives away?" Skeemo stared blankly. "Damn! That's another good point. Sam?" "Sorry, I don't have an answer for that one. Logically, either someone gives them to her or she makes them herself or they just magically appear. Take your choice." |
| Sam was looking at the card he'd been given. "Anger Management? I get pissed off at two people who caused two hundred children to get sick, and the unicorn thinks that I have issues." "I think she has a point," said Skeemo. "I mean, you threatened to kill two teenagers who happen to be friends of hers." "They were essentially playing with guns, and the first rule of firearms is to treat each gun as if it's loaded," said Sam. "The next rule is to look beyond your target, in case you miss. Also, they should have treated that chocolate like toxic waste, and had it taken care of properly. The only good thing about that mess was that no one died from it. I remember a case I was on - chef accidentally served improperly prepared puffer fish, and the customer died. The judge wasn't like, 'Oh, it was just an accident. You can go.', no, he sentenced the man to fifty years behind bars, and he's not allowed to cook food in a public place, ever." "But, isn't puffer fish poisonous?" Skeemo asked. "Yeah, unless prepared right," said Sam. "In this case, it wasn't. Principal applies to that chocolate - it wasn't dealt with properly, and people got sick, most of them children. I think I have a right to be upset in this case, even at the Queen's Friends. That fact shouldn't exclude them from the law - you still get jail time for causing accidents that cause harm, or death." "So, you're just going to toss out that card, and forget about her advice?" asked Skeemo. "If it leads me to an idiot who thinks that life is fluffy white clouds, I will," said Sam. "Of course, if the guy has seen the type of things I've seen, and perhaps experienced the loss of a loved one, maybe I'll talk to him." |
| "And about that puffer fish," Skeemo said. "Was it really all the chef's fault, or is it part the fault of the man who was foolish enough to want to eat a poisonous fish?" "I get it," Sam said. "There is enough blame to spread it around. But if we just say everybody is half guilty and half innocent then no one will ever get punished." "Look at this guys," Sapphire said, holding up the newspaper. "See the perp? I know him. Went to school with him. That's Digger McSquint." |
| "Ooh..." Skeemo said "Always really scary when it's someone you knew in Diaper School...So he's stealing machines you say? Where was the last crime?" "Not far from here." Sapphire said "In Los Angeles." "Los Angeles again?" Skeemo asked "For a place called the City of Angels it sure attracts it's fair share of Demons and Devils." On the ride over to L.A. Sapphire just looked out the window, thinking about her time with Digger before she went to a different school and he didn't come with her. Skeemo decided to talk one more time with Sam "Just trying to look at it from the Queen's perspective, we know you and your quirks, but the majority of society doesn't, and to the majority of society death threats in themselves are a crime, particularly if they don't fit the crime, what do we have the death penalty for? Murder, rape, kidnapping with murder and/or rape, war crimes...Death Penalty reserved for the most severe crimes because you can't really undo death...Now...If what those two Teens did was a crime then a suitable punishment would be a fine and community service or maybe some jail time tops, Death Penalty seems a bit harsh for what was an accident with no malicious intent but the fact you threatened to kill Marzipan after she worked so hard to clean up her mess, is both scary...And seems a little ungrateful for all she did do and for People who don't know you...They have no idea if you're going to carry out your threat, and the fact you seem to not care that ordinary people get scared by gun wielding wolves saying they'll kill them, can come off to some people that you have an empathy problem." Sam didn't say anything "Also..." Skeemo said "...Life is so unpredictable that half the reason strange rules are formed is because of accidents that no one predicted for...Like one time I got invited the Fairy Land games, during the Ice Archery Contest, one Gnome got nervous and shot his ice arrow into a cloud which turned the cloud to a pointy ice death bull that was falling into the stadium, many would have been killed if not for the quick thinking of a fire breathing dragon...Next year, Fairy Land demanded all clouds be cleared before the games." |
| Sam chuckled. "You want a strange law, Jaywalking. In this day and age, I've yet to hear of someone being arrested for it, and yet, we all commit it at some point in our lives. The only exception is if a car was already coming towards the person when they stepped out, but, still, I never gave out any tickets for it, even when it occurred right in front of me." "Why's that?" Skeemo asked. "Wasn't worth the time, or the paper, or the effort," said Sam. "That and catching drunks getting into their cars was more important, depending on where you were." |
| "I always wondered why they called it Jaywalking," Skeemo said. "Nobody really knows. The most likely source is named after the jaybirds, like the Blue Jay and others, which are all noisy, colorful birds. But I don't see much of a connection there." Sam just grunted. Word sources didn't interest him much. "Hey, Sapphire," Skeemo said. "Are you thinking we should go to Los Angeles and hunt down this Digger McSquint character? What's the reward?" |
| "I'm thinking if we have to, what do I do? I used to play with this guy at recess!" Sapphire said "Yeah, it's always scary when it's someone who knows you." Skeemo said "Like they could know potentially any of your secrets and use it against like say...Being allergic to shellfish." |
| "The fact that this guy is a former friend of yours is the reason you have to capture this guy yourself, especially if that friendship was something you both treasured," said Sam. "Otherwise some trigger-happy nut will hunt him down, and blow his head off." "Did you have to deal with that sort of situation once?" Sapphire asked. Sam nodded. "When I was twelve, me and some of the other local boys were having some fun by this creek, playing on one of them rope swings. One of these boys was a lizard named Max, and he was new to the area, with no friends. After that day though, he gained a friend in me." "What happened?" Skeemo asked. "It was my turn," said Sam. "You see, the rope was over this deep section of the creek, eight-ten feet deep, and the idea was to use the rope to get right into the deep section. Slight problem, none of us knew that the branch the rope was tied to was dead and half-broke, and I was the proverbial straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. I hit the water wrong, and I hit my head on good-sized rock. If it weren't for Max, I would have drowned that day." Sapphire and Skeemo looked at each other. "And later?" Sapphire asked. Sam sighed. "I became a cop, and he became a bank robber. I spent some years looking for him, hoping that someone else wouldn't get him, because I wanted to know why he threw his life away. Then, one day, after I had given my house to Janell, I get a call, right out of the blue - it was Max. He wanted to turn himself in, but there were conditions - I had to have the reward money in my hand, and give that money to a certain woman before I turned him over to the police, and she wasn't to know that he was going to prison." "Why did he want it that way?" Skeemo asked. "The woman was the person he was going to marry, and she didn't know about his past, and I agreed to keep it that way, especially since the money was going to go towards her medical treatments, for some sort of cancer," said Sam. "I knew the police chief, he knew me, and he agreed to get me the reward money, all before Max was in custody." "What about the other bounty hunter?" Sapphire asked. "He was a Bounty-Killer," said Sam. "Brought in people dead more often than alive, and no honest lawman would give him any assistance. Me, I got my faults, and I may be rough on people, but I bring my targets in alive, and in fairly good condition. This guy, even those he brought in alive tended to die soon after, and he always had an excuse - self-defense being one of them, and he'd produce a weapon with the bounty's prints on it and all. He found out about Max, and was waiting for him in the hotel. I found him there. trying to go to Max's room. I told him to come down, and to wait until Max's fiancee had left on the bus to one of those special hospitals. The man said that Max was worth a pretty penny, and that he was going to collect it. I held up the money, and told him that I had already claimed it. He didn't like that, and drew his weapon, firing at me. I drew mine, and fired, once, and he was dead." "What about after?" Skeemo asked. "Max is serving fifteen to twenty years in prison, the woman got her treatment, and I still get to visit my friend every now and then," said Sam. "Max even got married, although some minor deception was required to make it seem like Max is still a free man, who is currently always busy assisting the police department, with very little time to be at home with his wife, and three children." Sapphire blinked. "Children." Sam blinked. "Good behavior has some benefits." |
| "Alright," Sapphire said. "I guess it's up to me to bring in Digger McSquint. Up to us, I mean. Say, you didn't expect me to do it by myself, did you?" "Of course not," Sam said. "One for all and all for one!" "Is that our motto?" Skeemo asked. Sapphire looked thoughtful. "I wonder why Digger is stealing robot parts..." |
| The Police Chief a Human Woman named Joanne Winston told them they had calculated where Digger was going to strike next, so...There was a stake out. At the midnight hour the entire building went dark "Wait what happened?" Sam asked "Digger probobly cut the lights." Sapphire said "As a Mole he doesn't really need to see so putting the place in total darkness is for his benefit." They listened for the sound of footsteps to enter there warehouse, they heard the footsteps and smelled the scent of a Mole, of course they were fairly sure Digger would be able to smell them as well, so Winston turned the lights back on "Digger McSquint." Said Sam you're under arrest for..." "Holy Dirt!" Digger exclaimed "Sapphire is that you?!" "Yes Digger, it's me." Said Sapphire "This changes everything." Said Digger, he pressed a button on his suit and instantly teleported right to where Winston was With Winston caught off guard, he took a Gun that shot her...With mounds of sticky glue that paralyzed her, at the same time turning the lights back off Neither Sam nor Skeemo could aim in complete darkness but Digger could, he shot both Sam and Skeemo with his glue gun leaving them unable to move. "I'm taking you with me." Digger said grabbing Sapphire's hand and teleporting them both out of the building. Sam, Skeemo and Winston were totally unable to move and totally helpless. The Light was turned on by a strange glowing creature, he looked like an Alien, Skeemo recognized the creature as Hopkinsville Goblin "Sweet Genius." The Alien Creature said slowly "To think if I hadn't been hiding in the corner you three would be stuck here till morning." "That Mole took Sapphire!" Yelled Sam "I could see that." Said the Alien "I can see in complete darkness. I was working on a teleportal device when that Mole took a key part." Meanwhile... "Where are we?" Sapphire asked "Near the center of the Earth." Digger said "My Place." "Why did you take me?" Sapphire asked "You will be spared." Digger said "I want you somewhere someplace safe when the New World Order comes. You were the only Kid who ever played with me." Digger said "When I was small I thought the reason no one ever played with me it was because I was not good at sports and and I was a Nerd, looking back I realize that other Nerdy Kids were able to play with their fellow Nerds, but none of the other Nerds played with me." "But the truth hit me when I applied for the London Zoo." Said Digger "As a Tot I always dreamed of being a big zoo star, so when I was 18 I applied for the Zoo and they were like 'Yeah, we could use a Mole." But when I got my exhibit with all the trimmings, I would spend hours sitting there with no one to visit me...They would visit the Gorillas, the Penguins, the Giraffes, even the Scary Animals like Snakes and Tarantulas got more visits then me...Why was no one visiting me? Because I was a Mole...The most boring Animal on the face of the Earth, all we are, are lumps of brown fuzz who are only good for digging holes, and we're not cute like the Prairie Dogs or tough like the Badgers...And that's when it all made sense to me...No one ever liked me, not because I wasn't good at sports or because I was a nerd, it was because I was a Mole...Well I'm not going to accept the fate evolution has dealt me...I have built an enormous robotic death machine to take revenge on all Animals that are cuter or cooler then Moles, which is pretty much every animal but Earthworms and Termites, which we Moles eat." |
| "Digger, I'm going to ask you, please surrender yourself to the Law, preferably before you get someone seriously hurt," Sapphire asked. "Please, for the sake of our friendship." "Why should I surrender?" Digger asked. "It's not like they care about me." "Yes, but at the moment, all you've got on you is robbery and assault," said Sapphire. "You start killing people though, and things will change." "In what way?" Digger asked. "At the moment, the bounty on you is ten thousand dollars, Alive," said Sapphire. "Most Bounty Hunters wouldn't go after it. If you were to wipe out the other races, the Moles would place a Bounty on you, one so large, your own family would kill you to claim half of it, and other criminals would come after you, because the crime of genocide would make theirs look like jaywalking by comparison. More importantly, you'd kill a lot of innocent children, and I'd hate it if that happened." "And, what would happen if I did surrender?" Digger asked. "You'll serve time, twenty, maybe thirty years, with the possibility of early release for good behavior," said Sapphire. "What if I don't surrender?" Digger asked. "What if I go through with my plan?" Sapphire looked right at him. "Bounties tend to be worth more when the Target is Alive, but, if you go through with your plan, I'll make an Exception." |
| "You wouldn't kill me, Sapphire," Digger said. "It would be like killing your own childhood." "Don't be so sure of what I will or won't do," Sapphire said. "I might surprise you." Meanwhile, the Hopkinsville Goblin was in an intense meeting with Sam and Skeemo. "What do you need to complete this teleporter contraption you are working on?" Sam said. "We've got to find Sapphire and Digger as soon as possible." "If I know moles," said the goblin, "then I can guess where they might be. Deep underground somewhere." "Sure, but where? Will your teleporter be able to locate his teleporter?" "I think so," said the goblin. "Then let's find the parts you need!" |
| (Author's Note: I can't believe you put a maximum on your additions Steve) Sapphire was still talking to Digger she wanted to see if she could calm him down without use of force. "If you kill every other Cat that isn't me." She said "I won't be able to have kittens and my DNA dies with me." Digger had to stop and think about that, Sapphire knew Digger came from a conservative family that never told him different species could interbreed. "Besides..." Sapphire said "...When we were small, I saw how incredibly talented you were with machines! Building your own toy trains and transforming robots! Maybe you can make yourself a star that way! Become the Steve Jobs of Robotics!" Meanwhile Sam and Skeemo following the Goblin's lead were taking a Plane to the North Pole. "Why are we going to the North Pole?" Skeemo asked "That's where my Science Crew was working, using to Earth's magnetic field to understand the mysteries of Teleportation." "It's all Greek to me." Skeemo said putting on a blindfold and ear plugs "I'm going to nap." Sam was sitting there looking irritated "I know your friend is missing." The Goblin said "But I can't snap my fingers and make this plane go any faster...He held out his three fingered hand "I'm Zzrt by the way." "Sam Blacktail." The Wolf was surprised when the Alien's fingers wrapped around his fingers and twined their way up to his wrist. "That's how we greet each other on my Planet." Said Zzrt "...Back when there was a Planet." "What do you mean?" Sam asked "I am the last Hopkinsville Goblin in the entire universe." Zzrt said "The rest of my kind died when our home planet was blown up by the Zoots." "What are Zoots?" Sam asked "You wouldn't have heard of them." Zzrt said "They are like intelligent plants but they feed on darkness rather then light, their skinny is stretchy so they can morph into any other shape. There Planet was twin to our Planet, and we wanted their Kerion a mineral that was on Both our Planets that we used to power our technology, we wanted their Kerion for our machines, does, we raided their Kerion stores many eons ago, as they were using their Kerion for jewelry, eons later they attack us for what we did to them...And does began a long war that finally ended when the Zoots blew up our entire Planet...I was on our Ringed Planet our equivalent to your Saturn, and in one instant, I saw the end of my entire people...And as the Last of my Kind when I die my entire species will pass out of existence." Sam's jaw dropped "How do you handle that?!" He asked "I asked myself the same question once." Zzrt said "When I came to Earth in 2003 my blue green blood was boiling with rage, I wanted to kill every Zoot in existence, I was so mad I wanted to blow up the universe for my misery, but then one day...I looked around and saw the flowers blooming, the birds singing, the kids playing...And here I was hateful and vengeful and realized my anger was willing to destroy all the beauty around me, and that the reason all my kind died was because of a viscous cycle of revenge in the first place, we hit them, they hot us back, so it escalated till the Zoots wanted to end the Circle by ending the enemy I realized then and there that justice is just another word for revenge and so I dedicated my life not to justice but to spreading happiness before my time in this world is done." |
| (I had to ask him to increase it once.) "I wish you luck with that one," said Sam. "Thing is, people have different ideas about what would make them happy." |
| (Twiga! You don't remember that "wall of text" remark you made in BBWolf's campfire? Shame on you! I just like campfires where control of the story changes frequently and doesn't get stuck on any one person for too long.) "True," Zzrt said, "but I'm pretty sure almost everybody would agree that not dying would make them happy." Meanwhile, near the center of the Earth, Digger was saying, "Me? The Steve Jobs of robotics? Wow! Do you really think that's possible, Sapphire?" |
| (Author's Note: OK I get it! At least I try to space things out better.) "Yes!" Sapphire said Meanwhile in mid flight there was a problem with the toilets and James, Skeemo and Zzrt had to stop in Nome Alaska |
| (Oh, and while I may make clones of the same basic character-type, at least I know which clone is in which story, and, aside from being mentioned, I haven't used James here, yet.) "No place like Nome," Sam said, as they group left the airport terminal in a rental. "I'm surprised that Security got me mixed up with this James fella." "I'm surprised we had toilet issues," said Zzrt. "It's never clogged up like that before." Sam pointed at Skeemo, who was sick in the back. "He and Mexican food don't mix, especially when it comes to the really hot peppers." Skeemo groaned. "We need to make a pit stop!" "Again?" Zzrt asked. Sam heard a very important sound. "You can bet your spaceship that we do!" Sam then quickly turned the car at a red light. They then heard another sound. "We got a cop on our tail!" Zzrt exclaimed. "That's just fine!" Sam shouted. "I can handle a ticket! I just don't want a dry cleaning bill for this car!" |
(Everybody is razzin on Twiga today. Cheer up, Twiga!  )"Let me out!" Skeemo said, "and you deal with the cops while I use a restroom." Skeemo jumped out of the car and ran for the nearest store that looked like it might have a restroom. But the cops misinterpreted his action as an attempt to escape. The police car squealed to a stop and the cops jumped out with their guns drawn, yelling "Halt!" at Skeemo. |
| (Author's Note: I'm just saying BBWolf could stand to diversify a bit more,) Meanwhile near the center of the Earth Sapphire was having tea with Digger as they remembered old times "Do you remember the time that we both got a part in the school play?" Sapphire asked "I played a Daisy, you played the Mountain Man." "And that Obnoxious Camille Rat got the role of Fairy Queen...And then forgot all her lines." Laughed Digger |
| "That was a lot of fun," said Sapphire. "So, have you thought about my offer?" Digger looked right at her. "I'm still thinking it over." Meanwhile, Sam saw that Skeemo was in trouble. "Hold on!" He then threw the rental in reverse, and crashed into the police car. He then got out of the car, and looked at the two officers, who were now pointing their weapons at him. "Put your hands over your head!" one of the officers shouted. Sam looked at them and chuckled. "Here's tomorrow's headline - 'Police Arrest Man in Restroom! Police arrest man with bad case of indigestion. Police must pay for dry cleaning bill as a result.' Does that sound good to you?" The cops looked at each other. "What?" "He had Mexican, and if you've ever had that, you know what that stuff does to your system." |
| "Thanks, Sam," Skeemo said, "but when they pointed those guns at me I pretty much lost it." The officers could smell and see the proof of that on Skeemo so soon everyone was laughing about the mistake. "It's funny," Skeemo said, "but we're wasting time. Let's buy me a new pair of pants at the first store we come to so we can get on our way and get those teleporter parts for Zzrt. There's no telling what that fiend Digger McSquint is doing to Sapphire right now." |
| Sapphire meanwhile was going to wait and hope Digger would come to the right conclusion on his own, he went to sleep and she stayed awake and waited |
| Soon enough, Sam and the other two were on their way. "Good news is, no ticket, and they get to pay for the damages," said Sam. "What's the bad news?" Skeemo asked. "Your pants don't go with that shirt," said Sam. "It was all they had in my size!" |
| "Bounty hunters should make a good impression," Sam said, "otherwise they'll think we're just a bunch of hicks with shotguns clutching a wanted poster in our hand." "Yeah," Skeemo said with a scowl. "I'm sure some guy we're chasing down cares about how we're dressed." "This is the place," Zzrt said as they arrived in front of a brick building labeled Johnny's Electrical Supply Company. "I just hope they have the parts." "You didn't call ahead?!" Skeemo said. "I called, but they were busy and you guys were in a hurry." "They just better have those parts." |
| They were greeted by a Polar Bear "We've been searching for those parts." Said the Polar Bear unfortunatly that Mole really made a mess of things hoping we would never find it." |
| "I hope that means that you did find them," said Sam. "Whatever them are anyways." |
| "I've got everything on your list except for that sprong loop you wanted," said the bear. "That's good!" Zzrt said. "I might be able to rig up my own sprong loop from some common everyday items." "Really? You must be quite the inventor." "Oh, I am! I am!" Zzrt said. "Maybe not as good as that Digger McSquint fellow, but still pretty good." "OK," Skeemo said. "Bragging time is over. Let's build a teleporter." |
| When Digger woke up he said "I've decided...That only Moles and Cats will be spared, every other vertebrate, gone..." Before Sapphire could do or say anything, Digger pressed a big red button, and he was quickly encapsulated into his weapon of destruction, a big mole shaped Transformers like robot |
| "This had better work," said Sam. "Say, do you have anything hiding in the trunk?" Skeemo asked. "I have a few things," said Sam. "Hey, Zzrt, let's check on Sam's stash," said Skeemo. "Might find what we need." |
| "Aha!" Zzrt said, grabbing a mysterious looking mechanism. "This will do the trick!" "Hey!" said Sam. "That's the detonator for my sonic resonator bomb." "Which you will gladly donate to the war effort," Skeemo said. "I guess so, if I have to. Can we teleport to Sapphire now?" |
| "I hope that's someone's idea of a marketing gimmick," said Sam. "Why's that?" Skeemo asked. "Because if it's hostile, and we have to destroy it, it will leave a big mess for someone to clean up," said Sam. "Um, do we have enough explosives to destroy it?" Skeemo asked. "Yes, if we place it at the right spot," said Sam. "Got about two hundred pounds of high-grade plastic explosives under the back seat." Skeemo's eyes bulged. "When did you put that in?" "When you were in the bathroom, at the airport." "I don't want to know how you got it past Security, along with the rest." |
| "It's a good story," Sam said. "I was--" "Can it!" Skeemo said. "I think the robot is hostile!" There was a long nozzle protruding from the robot's chest. Accompanied by a blip-blip-blip sound, little balls of fire were shooting from this nozzle. They were little balls of fire (as opposed to the more famous Great Balls of Fire), but apparently, even though they were small, they were intensely hot, because everywhere one of them landed, flames broke out. Soon the entire downtown area was burning. "I think we better find that 'right spot' of which you spoke!" Skeemo said. "I agree," said Sam. |
| "Well, that was fun," the alien said. "Who are you?" Sapphire asked. "Oh, just a friend in the right place, at the right time," said Zzrt. |
| "Zzrt is helping us," Skeemo said. "Did you know Digger's robot is burning down the city?" "I know it now," Sapphire said. "Sam has a bomb that will bring down the robot if we can plant it in the right spot." |
| "I think I have a better plan." Zzrt said looking at gifts Sapphire had with her "The plan I have won't cause explosions." "What are you talking about?" Asked Sam Zzrt took the Desert Fox figure put, the Rose Brooch in one of the figures hands, and put the Yo Yo in the other, then he put the wreath of Cactus around Desert Fox's shoulders "What are you doing?!" Sam asked "The final piece." Zzrt put the Dragon's Fire Ruby over Desert Fox's heart That caused a Transformation, Desert Fox's Eyes flashed and he started to grow into a Fifty Story Robot, the Brooch became a sword and the yo yo became a giant lasso, the Wreath of Cactus became a giant Thorny Bommerang |
| "Tell me that thing's on our side," said Sam. "It ought to be," said Skeemo. "I mean, it was made with things we were given." |
| Skeemo looked at Zzrt. "Right? It's on our side, isn't it?" Zzrt looked proud as a papa in a baby ward admiring his creation. "Of course it's on our side! I'd be pretty stupid to make a giant robot that was against us, wouldn't I?" "How do we get it to attack Digger's robot?" "Oops," Zzrt said. Skeemo was alarmed. "What's the matter?" "I should have teleported the parts back to where we were BEFORE I assembled them. I'm not sure the teleporter will teleport something this big." "You see?!" Skeemo said. "We were right to think you might do something stupid!" "Calm down. There is a very simple solution to this problem." |
| Desert Fox looked at Felconrod, picked them up "What's going on?!" Sam asked "He just wants to put you in his head compartment." Said Zzrt, as Desert Fox put then in his head "Now I feel like we're the Power Rangers." Said Skeemo "Look!" Said Sapphire "He has a teleport button in his steering wheel!" |
| "Alright," said Sam "We got a robot to figure out, another robot to demolish, and a mole to stop. That's the basic plan. Anyone want to help out with all of the minor details?" |
| "We don't need no stinkin' details!" Zzrt shouted, obviously exhilarated to be at the controls of his giant robot. "We'll just stomp on Digger's robot until he cries for mercy!" "What about those flame balls he shoots out of his belly?" Skeemo said. " Is this robot flammable?" "Only a few of the plastic parts, and there aren't many. I suppose even the metal parts would burn if the fire was hot enough. But we will shoot him first and destroy his flame gun!" "Oh yeah?" Sam said. "What do we have?" "Missiles!" Zzrt said with a maniacal grin on his face. "Lots of missiles!" |
| "We also have a Brooch Sword, a Yo Yo Lasso and a Cactus Boomerang." Said Sapphire "Look!" Said the Rat "These he is!" Digger's robot was busy smashing ice bergs "Let's try this." Sapphire said pushing a button, the Desert Fox robot hit the Mole Robot's head with it's brooch sword |
| Skeemo laughed. "I get it. Brooch. Cosmetic." The Mole Robot rubbed its head and then aimed a stream of fireballs at the Fox robot's knees. "Uh oh," Zzrt said. "You didn't tell me he would go for my legs. If I lose leg power we'll be sitting ducks." "Fire a missile!" Sam said. "Oh, right. Forgot." A missile arced out from the Fox robot and exploded harmlessly on the Mole Robot's chest. "You call that a missile!?" Sam said. "It did nothing!" "How do you work that lasso thing?" Skeemo asked. |
| "Look!" Skeemo said. "It's got wheels!" Sure enough, wheels were extended out of the mole robot's back and it began moving around like it was a truck. "It's a transformer!" Skeemo said. "Hmph!" said Sam. "Not a very good one." "How about that cactus boomerang, Sapphire? What does it do?" |
| "Let's see." Said Skeemo as he threw the Boomerang The enormous cactus thrones pierced right into the Robot's metal hull one the thorns pierced Digger killing him instantly |
| "Well, that might be a problem," said Sam. "In what way?" Skeemo asked. "A corpse tends to bring in only half the bounty," the wolf said. "And he wasn't worth very much in the first place. That, and there's other issues." "Like what?" Skeemo asked. "I don't think that Sapphire has ever killed anyone before," said Sam. The wolf looked over at the cat, who seemed to be in shock. "You might want to take care of her." |
| "What am I supposed to do?" Skeemo said. "I never killed my childhood friend like she just did." "You're not helping!" Sam said. Zzrt made a deep bow. "Allow me. On my planet I have a reputation as a very good grief counselor." |
| "Shame you don't have a Planet anymore." Said Sam Zzrt waived his hand indifferently "Sapphire, I know it hurts but what you did just saved many lives." |
| "What am I supposed to do?" Sapphire asked. "He was my friend." "How close were you to his family?" asked Sam. "I knew them, fairly well," said Sapphire. "I was like a daughter to them, in some ways." "So, you were on good terms with them?" "For the most part." Sam looked at the body. "Depending on how they react, I'll take the blame for the mole's death." "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked. "Why would you want to take credit for it?" "Some people don't like it when you kill their relations, and will take action, one way or another," said Sam. "If they try to use the courts, I've got the money, and a few good lawyers, that I could, theoretically, survive a lawsuit, or, if that doesn't work, I can handle the fines and prison time, if they try a Wrongful Death Suit. Conversely, if they use methods that are outside the law, like hiring someone to kill me, I can handle that as well." "Why would you do that?" Sapphire asked. "To protect you," said Sam. "That and give you time to come to terms with things." |
| "Thank you, Sam," Sapphire said. "You're a good friend, but it's too much to ask of you." "You're not asking," Sam said. "I'm volunteering, and my mind is made up about it." Skeemo had been thinking (or scheming, depending on your view of rat thoughts). "I see a way out of this. Let's just rig the darn mole robot to explode. It will be death by malfunction." "I'm not sure I have the technical skills to do that," Sam said. "I could plant explosives, but then it would be obvious we did it." "Leave this to me," Zzrt said. "I DO have the technical skills. I know how to build a giant robot and I know how they fail. I can make it look like a mechanical failure. When I come back, get ready to leave the area quickly." Zzrt strapped a pack full of tools to his back and trudged over to where the giant mole robot lay on it's back, broken and pathetic, with the dead Digger inside. An hour later he was back in the fox robot with them. "Prepare to teleport. There is going to be one hell of an explosion here." |
| When they got back to Nevada Sally appeared out of Skeemo's fur "Hey!" She squeaked "Can I have a more permanent job at Felcanrod?" |
| "We could use a receptionist, especially when we are away from the office," suggested Sam. "That way we can keep up on leads an information for other cases where we might have to split up to do." Sally did some thinking. "That might work. It would give me something to do besides stick around this rat all day." "So, are we going to do anything?" Skeemo asked. "Well, unless there's something important going on, I plan on paying a visit to a certain Saloon, have a few drinks, play some Poker, and spend some time with Susan." "Susan?" Sapphire asked. "The maid/security guard for that woman who lives in what used to be your house?" Sam chuckled. "No, the Susan we rescued from the Stinkweed Gang." "Must of left an impression," said Skeemo. "Is she that good?" "She's a fairly good conversationalist," said Sam. "And, like I said, to a canine, that's about as important, if not more important, than being good at having sex. I want to know if she's good with other methods." Sapphire sighed at this. "Have fun then." |
| "What about you, Sapphire?" Skeemo said. "What are you going to do?" "Me? I'm going to curl up in front of the fireplace with a good romance novel and a bottle of wine. And you?" "I'm going to write another chapter in my book about our adventures," Skeemo said. Sapphire chuckled. "Do you really think anyone will ever want to read it?" "I don't know. If I ever have kids I'll make them read it." "I'm just teasing you," Sapphire said. "It will probably sell a million copies." Skeemo grinned. "Go curl up in front of your fireplace." THE END |
But not the end of Felcanrod....
The End! |
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