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Animals, animals, animals... and they talk! |
| [Introduction] FELCANROD Felcanrod is a team of three bounty hunters - a wolf, a cat, and a rat. It takes place on an alternate earth that is just like ours, same time, same places, but it has a humanimal population in it (and other beasts, creeps, critters, and weirdness as necessary). ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ............ Samuel ...................... Sapphire ......................... Skeemo ... NAME: Samuel Blacktail SPECIESs: Grey Wolf BODY: Muscular, with a variety of scars covering his body, both from past fights and accidents. Missing an eye and an ear, on the left side, to say nothing about the scar running through that side of the face, practically bisecting his muzzle, along with a tear on the left side of his jaw, that makes it look like he's always snarling (Something like Jonah Hex), the pinky on the left hand is missing, and favors his left leg. Fur color is grey, except for his tail, which is black. OUTFIT: Prefers to wear something casual, in an attempt to blend in with the locals, but Samuel Blacktail always seems to stick out - mainly due to his charming good looks. PERSONALITY: Samuel always tries to be friendly towards those around him. However, those who insult women around him had best watch out; he once disfigured a man, by slicing off his ear, tearing out his eye, chopped off a finger, then tossing the guy into a pig pen, all because he called his own wife a whore. Then again, Samuel once had a wife, only to lose her in the incident that disfigured him. That being said, he tends to focus on the job. NAME: Sapphire Shores SPECIES: Siamese Cat BODY: Slender and graceful, Olympic Gymnast fit, has large blue eyes and long cream colored head fur. OUTFIT: Normally wears a Blue Jumpsuit, when Stealth is needed she gets into her jet black full body cat suit PERSONALITY: Calm, cool, collected, Cares deeply about other creatures and seeks to protect them from harm, mess with Cubs or other youngsters around her at your peril! NAME: Skeemo SPECIES: rat BODY: Kind of dumpy, not fat, just chunky. But he doesn't waddle, he walks smoothly and stealthily. HEAD: Large, sharp-pointed nose, beady eyes but hidden by black wraparound sunglasses, jet black hair slicked back with oil. OUTFIT: Usually seen in grey sweatpants and sweatshirt with expensive Italian shoes of black leather. Prefers zip-up-the-side, lightweight boots. PERSONALITY: Friendly, but knows how to fight clean or fight dirty. He's probably not as calm and cool as he tries to appear. THE ASSOCIATES ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** .... Sally the Flea ..... Zzrt the Alien ..... Penelope the Mouse .... Episodes (clickable links) ------------------------------------------------ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 1: The Pocket Monsters ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 2: Timmy the Tooth ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 3: Family Troubles ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 4: Skeemo's Nephew ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 5: Pouty Prissy ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 6: Bounty Hunter ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 7: The Vulture Problem ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 8: The Clown Pig ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... 9: A Favor For the Mob |
Sapphire said, "Does this have anything to do with someone in New Haverbrok reporting seeing really weird bugs called Caterpies and Weedles?" |
| "Well, if Sam is where I think he is, he isn't going to be very happy about being disturbed at the moment," said Sally. "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked. "Well, if you were listening, he did say that he was going to be spending some time at the Bread and Butter Saloon, having a few drinks, playing some cards, and spending time with that Honey Bunny you helped save about a month back." "Oh, right," said Skeemo. "So, notify him later?" "When it comes to canines, later is better," said Sally. "Preferably, after they put their pants back on." At that same moment, Sam was playing some Poker with a few of the other regulars at the Saloon. His luck at the moment was good - everyone was playing honest, no crazy card tricks, no one reaching under the table, no one was pulling the good cards from the saloon girls' garters, or from their bras - it was all fun. Of course, if everyone pulled out an extra hundred or so, then it was on, and then things could get really interesting. But, for the moment, everyone had agreed to leave things up to luck, and the art of the bluff. Sam looked at his cards. Three aces, and two kings. He looked at the others; the fox to the right had a look of pleasure - either he had a good hand, or it was because the woman he was paying to be next to him had found a good spot on him to rub. The dog across from him seemed to have a bored look - either his hand wasn't that good, or he was trying to make people think that. Then, there was the cat to his left, who looked nervous - either he had a bad hand, or he was nervous due to seeing that Sam seemed to be snarling at him. "Is it my face that's making you nervous?" Sam asked. "Well, yes," said the cat. "If it makes you feel better, I got this while trying to protect my family from a drug dealer," said Sam. "What happened?" asked the fox. "He and his men got in," said Sam. "What about your neighbors?" asked the dog. "I lived in a neighborhood full of families, most of which were at a school game," said Sam. "They would have been killed anyways, if they had tried to help." "And your face?" the cat asked. "He took a very sharp knife, and sliced off my ear, very slowly," said Sam. "After that, he skinned the left side of my face, or at least I think he tried to do that, given the damage to my nose and cheek. Then, he removed my eye. But the worst was yet to come, his men were pouring gasoline all over the place, both me and my wife were tied to a couple of chairs. He then removed my left pinky, and stabbed me in the leg. Then, he stabbed her, and tossed a lit match into the place." |
The cat's eyes grew big. "Oh my God! What happened then?" The fox was thinking if that wolf had good cards he wouldn't be telling this long story, would he? Then again, I don't really know his style. Hmmm... |
| Just then, something that had been there the entire time but no one knew was there because it blended perfectly with the shadows, jumped on the table and stole all the cards. It was a Sableye. http://www.pokemon.com/us/pokedex/sableye |
| The creature then took off. "Well, that's annoying," said Sam. "I thought that I had a good hand as well." "So did I," said the fox. "Anyone interested in continuing the game?" the dog asked. "I am," said the cat. "So am I," said Sam. "Waitress, another deck," said the fox. The four soon had another deck of cards, and, thanks in part to some very special cameras that the Lovely Ladies wore on their outfits, they had the same hands they once had. "What do you think that thing was?" the cat asked, as he placed a bet of five dollars, to open things up. "Maybe an alien, or a mutant," the dog said, as he placed one five, then another. "I raise." "Isn't that your sort of thing?" the fox asked, as he placed a ten, then another five. Sam placed a twenty. "I don't hunt stray pets or escaped zoo exhibits. I had one bad experience with them, and it was enough." "What did that entail?" the cat asked, as he placed more money on the table. "An escaped tiger," said Sam. "What happened?" the dog asked, who also placed more money. "It chased someone up a tree," said Sam. "Who was it?" The fox placed more money down. Sam placed a fifty down. "Confidentiality agreement. I cannot say who. Now, let's see who is the better bluffer." The others chuckled, as one by one, the players revealed their cards, and the winner received what was on the table. A few hand later, Sam decided it was time to leave the table, and went upstairs with the Honey Bunny he paid for, the human Susan. |
| Skeemo addressed Sapphire, Sally, and Zzrt. "Where's Sam?" "He's not back yet," Sally said. "But I sent you to get him." "Ugh!" Sally said. "Do you have any idea what he DOES when he's away? I'm a decent girl." "OK, OK, we'll start without him. Record this, Zzrt and he can view it later. We have been offered a very interesting assignment. Anybody know what these are?" He held out a handful of tiny plastic monsters. "Of course," Sally said. "Those are Pokémon toys." "Everybody knows Pokémon," Zzrt said. Skeemo looked surprised. "Oh. I guess I'm the only one who didn't. Well, something weird is happening in New Haverbook. Little two inch tall Pokémon critters are popping up all over the place. And they aren't toys." |
| Meanwhile, Sam was enjoying his time with Susan. In this moment, he was taking care of some of her wants, and needs, namely her feet. "Ah, that spot right there," Susan said, as Sam moved his tongue across the heel. "Right there?" Sam asked. He then slowly moved his claw. "Or there?" "Yes, that's the spot." Sam chuckled, as he licked the indicated spot. He didn't mind taking care of a woman's wants and needs, providing that the woman took care of his. "Anything else?" he asked, as he looked at Susan's face. The woman smiled, as she took off her bra. "Why, my dear sweet wolf, there are two things that could use some washing." Sam licked his lips. "Sure thing, as long as my needs are taken care of next." About twenty minutes later, Sam was on his back, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, as he tried to catch his breath, while Susan was on top of him, trying to catch hers, and, of course, they were stuck, again. "And now, the wait," said Sam. Susan chuckled. "I've always found that to be the best part of these situations." She then began to trace his scars. "How did you get this collection here on your butt-cheek?" Sam chuckled. "Pissed off weed farmer. I was undercover, as a skinny-dipper, with another officer - who was quite lovely, might I add, when he noticed us in the creak. Well, he got out that shotgun, and we took off running, though he did give me a parting shot. When he was arrested, they added the assault with a deadly weapon, in addition to growing without the proper licenses. He was surprised to find me at the station." "So, what have your friends been up to?" Susan asked. "Oh, we've been-" Then, Sam noticed something. "What's that watching us? I know very well that it isn't the security camera." Susan took a look. "Oh, that's Chu Chu." "Chu Chu?" "Oh yes," said Susan. "Found the little thing the other day on the way home from work. Come here Chu Chu." Sam watched as the creature ran towards them, and he was surprised at what he saw, a little yellow mouse with red cheeks. "Pikachu," it said. "Isn't it adorable?" Susan asked. "Well, it's interesting," said Sam. |
| At the Felcanrod office a package with air holes had just been delivered. Skeemo read the attached letter. "It's a Jigglypuff, whatever the hell that is." Sapphire tapped on her keyboard and showed him the monitor. "Here," she said. "Now you know." http://www.pokemon.com/us/pokedex/jigglypuff "Ugh! Too cute!" Skeemo said, "but it seems harmless enough. It sings. Doesn't seem very monstrous." Skeemo opened the box. The Jigglypuff was so relieved to see daylight again that it burst into song. Skeemo fell over in a faint. He woke up an hour later. "What the hell?" Sapphire made a face at him. "That was the monstrous part." "Where is that thing now?" "We put the lid back on the box. But he was bigger than two inches." "I'll check my emails," Skeemo said. "Maybe they are growing. Haven't you done anything while I was sleeping?" "Yes," Sally said. "The New Hoverbrook police department is sending you a copy of all their files. So far, they and the fire department have had to round up over a hundred pocket monsters. The chief says it's getting to be a problem." |
| "Wow!" Skeemo said "Why are these Pocket Monster appearing all over the place?" "My guess..." Sapphire said "...A portal to another universe has been opened and won't close." |
| At that moment, Sapphire's phone went off. "Felcanrod at your services. No Bounty too Large or Small - What? Oh, Sam! I'll put you on speaker. Got something important that we need to tell you." As she pressed a button, Sam's voice was heard. "Does this something involve strange creatures that only say one word all the time?" "Yes," said Skeemo. "How did you know?" "Because it seems that they seem to be at the Bread and Butter Saloon, or at least near it," said Sam. "Is that your friends you're talking to?" asked a female voice. "Yes," said Sam. "Guys, this is Susan, the Honey Bunny we saved a month back." "Hello," said both Sapphire and Skeemo. "I want to thank you for saving my life," said Susan. "Sam, why aren't you alone one the phone?" Sapphire asked. "I'm kind of tied up at the moment, as it were," said Sam. "Right," Skeemo said, with a nervous chuckle. "When will you be available to help us locate the source of these things?" "Within an hour," said Sam. "These things take time, you understand. That and this one is an interesting creature - only says 'Pikachu' and looks like a yellow mouse with red cheeks." |
| Sapphire tapped some keys. http://www.pokemon.com/us/pokedex/pikachu "Sam!" she said. "Whatever you do, don't let that thing near your cell phone!" "Why not?" Sam said. "It's cute. I don't think it ever saw a cell phone before." There was a zap noise and then silence. "Sam?" Sapphire said. "Sam? ... I was afraid of that. It zapped his phone!" |
| "OK." Skeemo said "What do we do know?" "Let's see if we can pinpoint the source of these creatures." Said Sapphire |
| "We know where Sam is," said Skeemo. "Given the woman he's with found one of the creatures, she might know one spot that they are coming through." "We better be careful with that," said Sapphire. "You know very well it takes canines time when it comes to relaxing themselves after sex." "I hope getting zapped didn't boast him," said Skeemo. Meanwhile, Sam was looking at his blown phone. "I hope I can retrieve the memory on this thing." He then looked at Susan, who now had her hair standing on end, some of it smoking. "Talk about having a hot date." "You should see yours," said Susan. Sam looked in a mirror on the counter. "At least I still have my skin, and my eye, and my ear." He then looked at Chu Chu. "Don't stick that thing near anything electrical." "I don't make mistakes twice," said Susan. She then gave Sam a kiss. "So, anything you want to talk about besides my hairstyle?" Sam grinned. "I know of one thing I'd like to do." "What would that be?" Susan asked. "How are you with condiments being spread all over your body, and being licked off?" Susan chuckled. "I'm quite comfortable with that." |
| "Great!" Sam said. "I've got some Chinese mustard that--" "Whoa!" Susan said, holding up a hand. "Nothing with horseradish in it, please! I have sensitive skin." Skeemo was on the phone with Lorenzo, chief of the New Haverbock police department. "Yes? Uh huh... I see... OK, thanks, we'll get right on it." "What did Chief Lorenzo say?" asked Sally. Skeemo rubbed his hands together. "We've got a good lead. They plotted all the locations on a map where pocket monsters have been picked up. It makes a big circle. And at the center of that circle is the New Hoverbok High School!" "That's a big high school," Sapphire said. "Over a thousand students and almost a hundred staff and teachers." "There's more!" Skeemo said. "One of the science teachers is currently under a secret investigation by the FBI. He doesn't know he's being watched." "Why are they watching him?" Sally said. "Because he looks like he might be a mad scientist." Sally's mouth fell open and she said, "Oooooooo, that's bad." |
| "I don't think we can wait until Sam gets back," Sapphire said as she was looking through binoculars, "From what I see these Pocket Monsters are starting to attack children." Skeemo, Sapphire and Zzrt went over to New Haverbrook which was only a short drive away." "I"m feeling some mysterious energy is coming from that well." Said Zzrt The three looked in the well, there seemed to be a Vortex at the bottom of it |
| "I think we best go and get Sam," said Sapphire. "Or, at the very least, wait for him at the Bread and Butter Saloon." "That might be a good idea," said Skeemo. "Safety in numbers and all that." Soon enough, the group was at the Saloon. "So, what do people in this place?" Zzrt asked. "It looks like it belongs to another time." "Drink mind-altering liquids, partake in games of chance, and try to reproduce with women they swore no vows to," said Sally. "Not my sort of place to be seen in." "I'm going to talk to the bartender," said Sapphire. "Sam said that he is a friend of his." The cat walked up to the table bar. "Hey, got a message for Samuel Blacktail." The bartender looked at her. "Ah, one of Sam's friends. Drinks and food are on the house for you and your companions, along with anything else you might like - cheating during the card games, having fun with the girls and guys, even for sex." Sapphire blushed at this. "I'm surprised that you're offering that." "The least I could do, considering that Sam gave me and Susan each ten grand over the whole Stinkweed issue, more than enough to pay for the damages, and Susan's lack of pay," said the bartender. "I put what was left from repairing the place on his credit here, although Susan likes to keep her money separate from mine, and charges him on a discount - normally she'd charge a client fifty dollars for a session with her - he's only being charged twenty-five, and not the usual hundred he'd otherwise have to pay." Sapphire raised an eyebrow at this. "He's worth that much of a discount?" "But the thing is, he still pays her the full price, which isn't much of a surprise if one were to think about it," said the bartender. "Why's that?" asked Sapphire. "She knows what a client wants, and gives them what they need," said the bartender. "Seems that Sam likes to talk to someone while in bed, and she's able to provide that, among other things." "Um, what's your name again?" Sapphire asked. "Jerry, Jerry Butterson," said the bartender. "Um, Jerry, do you have cameras in their room?" asked Sapphire. "For security purposes," said Jerry. "However, unless you are a police officer with a warrant, or an insurance agent, or some such thing, by law, I'm not allowed to show the footage." "That's fine," said Sapphire. "I just want to know if he's about done." Jerry tapped a few keys on a computer. "Eh, I'd give it about another ten minutes." Sapphire nodded her head. "Good to know." |
| At that moment a small lizard with it's tail on fire went skittering across the counter. "Yikes!" said Jerry. Sapphire already had her laptop open. "A Charmander! Don't make it angry!" http://www.pokemon.com/us/pokedex/charmander "Why would I make it angry?" Jerry asked. "Do you ever get anyone from the high school coming in here?" "Lady!" said Jerry. "I run a legal establishment. No way a high school kid could get in." "I meant like teachers or staff." |
| The Charmander however was only interested in one thing, the bowl of candy on the counter, it jumped up on a stool and started stuffing itself with candies |
| "Aw, it's so cute!" Zzrt said, reaching out to pet the Charmander. "Ow! It's red hot!" The Charmander ran off, scattering candies everywhere. "Where are these things coming from?" Jerry asked. "That's the second one I have seen today." "That's what we are going to find out," Skeemo said. "We are Felcanrod." Jerry looked blank. "Never heard of them." "Well... we're famous in some circles. See if you can get Sam out of that room. We got business to attend to." |
| "No can do." Said Jerry "Sorry but my hands are tied." Just then a creature that remarkably resembled a racist stereotype walked in http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Jynx_%28Pok%C3%A9mon%29 http://www.pokemon.com/us/pokedex/jynx Jynx looked at a Goblin kissed the Goblin on the cheek and Goblin instantly fell asleep, shocking everyone in the saloon Jynx the walked up to Zzrt, a big blush appeared on her cheeks she seemed overcome with lust "I'm quite scared right now." Said Zzrt |
| It was at this moment that Sam came downstairs, pulling his shirt on over his head. He looked over at the rest of the crew. "I thought I smelled you guys outside, and then heard you." He then looked at the Jynx, but the creature became nervous, and ran outside. "Hmm, my face must have scared it." "Your face would scare the dead," said Skeemo. Sam nodded. "So I've been told." The wolf walked up to the counter. "Susan's taking a bath. She'll be ready in about ten minutes." "Sam, why didn't you tell me the name of your group?" Jerry asked. Sam blinked. "I mentioned it during the phone call you made to me when you had that Stinkweed issue." At this, Jerry chuckled nervously. "Must of slipped my mind, given I had more pressing issues at the time." Sam chuckled. "Understandable." The wolf then sat with the rest of the crew. "So, what's new?" Sapphire looked at him. "You have something on your face." "If you're talking about my fur collar, you have a yellow mouse to talk to." "It isn't that," said Skeemo. The rat tapped the side of his face. "Oh, that," said Sam. The wolf licked the spot with his tongue, along with the area around his mouth. "Seems that Susan likes condiments." "And condoms too, I hope," said Skeemo. "Those are the rules in places like this," said Sam. "If you want to do it, you got to use it." "Well, that's enough of that," said Sapphire. "We think we found out where these things are coming from." "Oh. Well, in that case, let's go." |
| At the New Haverbrook High School, Felcanrod had a meeting scheduled with science teacher Larry Weird. "With a name like Weird," Skeemo had said, "he's got to be weird." "Is it smart just confronting him directly?" asked Sapphire. "I thought the FBI investigation was secret." "It is secret and we aren't going to mention it. We're just going to inquire about Pocket Monsters." The receptionist walked over. "Mr. Weird's class is over now. You can talk with him in the teacher's lounge." Larry Weird did indeed look like a mad scientist, one of the Jerry Lewis variations. He had buck teeth, thick black-framed glasses, and a wild shock of uncombed hair. "Hawoah! Hawoah!" he said. "Be weeve it or not, I have heard of Felcanrod. What can I do for you?" "Pocket monsters," Skeemo said. Larry Weird blinked. "What?" "You heard me. What do you know about them?" "How did you make a connection to me?" Skeemo smiled. It was good police work, but he wasn't saying anything. "It doesn't matter how. The connection was made. Now we want to hear the whole story. What's the deal with these critters appearing all over town?" |
| "I wanted to make a portal to another universe." Said Weird "Why?" Asked Skeemo "Do I even need a reason?!" Snapped Weird "It's for science! As long as it advances science, that's all that matters." Nobody said anything and let Weird continue "I did some experiments with that old well trying to create a dimensional portal..." |
| "And people claim that I'm mad," Sam muttered. "A portal to another dimension? Didn't this guy ever watch those old Sci-Fi movies and TV shows that explain how much of a bad idea that is?" "I'm surprised that you have been so calm with all of these creatures running loose," whispered Sapphire. "Normally you'd be wanting to get a gun or something." "Because animals being animals is not something we, as a group of Bounty Hunters, should concern ourselves with," said Sam. "That's Animal Control's job, along with the Game Warden. That and I had a very nice session with Susan, and I don't want to ruin the good mood I'm in by getting all upset over nothing." "These things are attacking children," said Sapphire. "Someone pulls your tail, and you won't like it either," said Sam. "I mean, it's not like it's anything too serious, right?" "These things can get quite big," said Sapphire. "And, potentially, very dangerous." "How dangerous?" "They could destroy buildings, and hurt the people in them. "Hmm, okay, I'm interested in preventing damage from occurring." |
| "Cool your jets," Larry Weird said. "I can send them back. And they aren't going to tear down buildings and eat little children. It's the children I brought them here for." "What?!" Sapphire said. "How is a flaming tail lizard in any way suitable for a child?" "The Charmander was a mistake, but you have to admit that Pikachu is kind of nice." "He's the only one that's nice!" Sapphire said. "If you can send them back, then I suggest you do it right now!" "My students aren't going to like that," Larry Weird said. "Many of them have adopted pets." "We don't care what your students like," Skeemo said. "We'll gun down every pocket monster in New Haverbrook and lock you in a cell for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?" "Uh... no, not really. I'll see about sending the pocket monsters back through the portal." (Twiga, get your episode in shape. It might be coming soon!) |
| Just then, a tiny little Creature with blonde hair and big pink lips bumped into Sapphire's tail "What's that thing?" Asked Sapphire "That's Smoochum." Said Weird "The Preevolved from form of Jynx." http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Smoochum_%28Pok%C3%A9mon%29 http://www.pokemon.com/us/pokedex/smoochum "Jynx...That's the Creature that tried to kiss Zzrt in the Saloon right?" The Creature wobbled as it walked as it's head seemed too big for it's body, it fell on it's face and started to cry. Sapphire's heart melted "Oh! Don't cry!" She said picking up the Pocket Monster |
| "Something tells me that these things are like ordinary pets, in that you've got to be gentle to them," said Sam. "Am I right?" "Being gentle is the key thing," said Weird. "They react to emotion; if you are friendly, they will be friendly. If you are hostile, they will be hostile." Sam looked at Sapphire. "Told you that this wasn't our concern." |
| Skeemo shook his head in disgust. "I don't care how friendly they are, we can't have thousands of these things coming through a portal! It will upset the balance of nature! Who knows what they will do to our ecology?" "Look," Weird said. "What if I just send most of them back and close the portal and just leave a few here as pets?" |
| "I think that is an acceptable comprise." Sapphire said "I never had a pet before." "Maybe that because you ARE a pet yourself and a Pet having a Pet is creepy." Said Skeemo Just then another Sableye came into the room and stole something from Weird. "My Portal Remote!" Yelled Weird "I need that to control the Portal!" |
| "Tell me you can make another," said Sam. "Not on short notice," said Weird. "It takes a few hard-to-get things to make a remote." |
| "OK, guys!" Sam said. "To the Batmobile!" Sally reached into her pocket and pulled out a small device which started sounding a very loud siren. "To add to the excitement," she said with a grin. "It's my pocket mugger deterrent alarm." "Good Lord!" Skeemo said. "They make one of those small enough to fit into the pocket of a flea?!" Felcanrod and Associates sprang into action. That Sableye is going to wish it had thought twice before stealing. |
| "Here." Said Weird "You can use this." He handed them a red and white ball "It's a Pokeball." Said Weird "Use this to capture the Sableye and he will do whatever you tell him to do." "Isn't that enslavement?" Asked Sam? " |
| "It's part of how you can control them, and keep the fire types from burning places down, water types from drowning places, electric types from blowing out electrical items, earth types from causing earthquakes, and all of them other disasters," said Weird. |
| "What will they think of next?" Asked Skeemo. The three bounty hunters (and associates) had Sableye cornered in an alleyway. "How do you work this Pokeball?" Skeemo shouted. "Here!" said Sapphire. "Give me that!" |
| Before they could do anything the Smoochum ran up to the Sableye and kissed it, this caused the Sableye to become confused and while it was wobbling around Sapphire threw the Pokeball at it, capturing the Sableye |
| "Sapphire," said Skeemo, "you are pretty good at this pocket monster stuff. Were you a competitor? Did you win any tournaments? Did you train your own Pokémon? I'm interested. I don't see how you could know so much about it unless you were deep into it." |
| "Actually." Sapphire said "I thought you just had to throw the ball at it, then when I saw Smoochum running out to...Kiss the opponent, that's when I realized the opponent has to be weakened before capture is possible." Sapphire picked up Smoochum "Thanks for that...I can't keep calling you Smoochum, that's like calling Sam Wolf and Skeemo Rat...How about I call you Sugar? Keep up with the S theme of our team." |
| Sam chuckled. "And here I thought that Susan's choice of calling an electric mouse Chu Chu was interesting." |
| Sugar was looking in a mirror to make sure her face wasn't dirty. "Vain little thing, isn't it?" Skeemo said. "She just likes to stay clean," Sapphire said. |
| "I wonder what they've used against this thing," said Sam. "Have they tried citric acid? That will ruin a person's teeth." |
| The sheriff was on speakerphone. "As a matter of fact, we did try acid. No effect. It's been suggested that we coat him with sticky candy and wait for him to decay. But that could take months or years. So I called you guys. I know you are experts at problems like this." "Thank you, sheriff," Skeemo said. "We are experts indeed, but this is the first tooth we've tried to pull." "Oh," said the sheriff. "I forgot to tell you. The tooth's name is Timmy and he's become a hero to some of the local kids." "Timmy the Tooth? How could those little brats fall for his fake charms?" "Well, we also have a sizable group of kids who hate Timmy the Tooth. My point is that we can't just blow him to smithereens without causing a huge ruckus around here." Skeemo's brow knotted. "Ruckus? Smithereens? What language is that?" "Uh, sorry," said the sheriff. "That's the way we talk around these parts." |
| "OK now I'm just confused." Sapphire said "This tooth is going around EATING Humanimals and some kids love him? What is going through those Kids heads?" |
| "Didn't you know some kids are afraid of humanimals?" asked Sheriff Porcine. "No!" Sapphire said. "Around here kids LOVE humanimals." "Well, in Oklahoma City there have been a few unfortunate incidents, not always the humanimals' fault, but they happened and now some of the kids are freaked out. So they kind of like what Timmy the Tooth is doing." "That's awful!" Skeemo said. "Why aren't those kids getting therapy? They can be re-educated to like humanimals again." "That sounds a lot like brain washing," said the sheriff. "We don't like big government interference around here." |
| "Sir..." Sapphire said "...You're a Pig you're a Humanimal yourself, you're not concerned a Giant Tooth is eating your fellow Humanimals and the Humans are OK with it?" "Of course I'm concerned!" Said Sherriff Porcine "But as a Native of Oklahoma I'm a Red Blooded Hillbilly First Humanimal Second!" |
| Sam put his hand over the speaker. "I've dealt with these types of people. Most of the time, they happen to be from remote small towns with little communication with the outside world, beyond social media and the like. Guys like this don't call the FBI, or the National Guard, for help, though they might deputize the locals. The fact that he's calling us means that he's being open-minded towards outside-help." The wolf removed his hand from the speaker. "You still there Sheriff? We were having some issues on this end." "Yes I'm still here," said Porcine. "And I want to know when you'll be here." "Well, thanks to my latest birthday present, within six hours, eight at the most," said Sam. "Have someone meet us at the airport for when we get to Oklahoma City." "Good," said Porcine. The pig hung up. "Birthday present?" Sapphire asked. "Bonus from Mister Smitty, for guarding that shipment for the military," said Sam. "Customized troop transporter, and a pilot, who also doubles as a combat medic." "Is he on the payroll?" Skeemo asked. "Mister Smitty is currently paying him, and the hanger rental fees, to say nothing about fuel, unless we change things," said Sam. "Good thing is, if there's a big mission, and we have the right friends, it can take eighty people, and enough armored vehicles to transport them on the ground, plus weapons for each person." Zzrt nodded at this. "Sounds real good to me." "Just one thing," said Sapphire. "When was the last time you had to deal with a Police Chief or Sheriff like this pig?" "Small town along the Mexican Border," said Sam. "It's like the Wild West down there. This gang of murders was trying to free their leader, and the Sheriff was dead-set on keeping him there, until the Marshals arrived to pick him up. I offered my services to the Sheriff, in exchange for getting rid of a few tickets I'd gotten in his jurisdiction, but he turned me down, even after I saved two of his Deputies from certain death. Said he appreciated my help, but he wasn't looking for a gunslinger-for-hire to help him save his town. So I challenged him to a shooting contest, and gave him the choice of weapons - old-style Single Action Army Revolvers - the kind where you had to cock the hammer every time you wanted to pull the trigger. Not my favorite handgun, but I know how to use them if I have to. Did a good enough job that he didn't tell me to leave, especially since the bad guys showed up right at that moment." |
| Once they were in the air, Skeemo felt a little queasy. The accommodations weren't very plush, kind of plain, in fact, and the vibration level was high. "This thing must burn a lot of fuel. I'm glad Mister Smitty is paying for it. We couldn't afford it." "Yeah," Sam said. "Of course, it's understood we owe him some favors now, right?" "I knew there was a catch!" "Come on, Skeemo, you don't get something for nothing." |
| "Here." Sapphire said "Here's a bag full of rose petals, maybe the sweet scent will ease your stomach." When they reached Oklahoma City Sheriff Porcine was there waiting for them, he was the Largest Pinkest Pig Felcanrod had ever seen |
| "Glad you could help," the pig said. "Shames me to say it, but my deputies aren't up to the job of dealing with giant teeth." He then looked at the jet. "Did you bring a bunch of mercs with you?" Sam looked at it himself. "It's a gift from my former father-in-law. He likes leaving big impressions on people." Porcine laughed. "Sounds like me. I always leave a big impression on people." "I can tell," Sapphire muttered. "What was that?" Porcine asked, as he looked right at the cat. "She said, 'I hope all goes well,'" said Sam. "Let me and my friends get our things, and we'll help you out with that toothache of yours." At this, the sheriff laughed. "Toothache? Now that's a good one! I'll be at my car when you are ready. You can't miss it." |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The "pigmobile" was a pink quad cab pick up truck with all the trimmings. "Nice ride!" Sam said. "Mount an anti-tank gun in the bed and you have a terrorist's wet dream." Sheriff Porcine laughed. "It's got a mount there for the .50 caliber machine gun we have, a gift from military surplus. Probably never get to use it, except for parties, of course." "Does everybody out here own a gun?" Skeemo asked. "Pretty much," said the Sheriff. "You don't pack anything?" "Skeemo's afraid he would shoot himself in the foot," Sapphire said. When they arrived at the sheriff's office, a deputy ran up to them with some news. |
| The Deputy Bean, was a long and lanky hound dog "It's just terrible!" Said Deputy Bean "I mean with more Humanimals he eats, Timmy just gets bigger and more indestructible! Now he's as tall as a two story building!" |
| "Ever try tying him up, and feeding him a few dozen purgers?" asked Sam. "Might prove useful in this situation." |
| "What's the deal with the tooth's bow tie?" Sally asked. "What do you mean?" said Skeemo. "I mean, why does a tooth need to wear a bow tie? It's not like he has a shirt on. He doesn't even have pants." "Hmmm, interesting. Why indeed does he have a bow tie? What do you think, Zzrt? Seem odd to you?" "Very odd," Zzrt said. "And a good place to conceal some electronic circuitry." Sally frowned. "Well, then that raises the question of why would a giant tooth need electronic circuitry?" "Why indeed?" Skeemo said. "Is it possible someone is controlling this so-called tooth? Maybe it's actually a robot." |
| "By the way..." Sapphire said "...I think before we go on, we should know about what caused the Humans to dislike the Humanimals in the first place." |
| "That might be a good idea," said Sam. "I dislike stepping into a war-zone without knowing all of the details." |
| "It was the kids' fault," Sheriff Porcine said, "but the humanimal overreacted. You know how kids are. They like to tease and taunt. Sometimes they take it too far. They made the mistake of teasing a boa constrictor humanimal. He thought he would teach them a lesson and trapped all three of them in his coils and put on the squeeze. maybe a little too much squeeze. The kids passed out. Pramedics had to be called. It was a nasty situation." "But just that one incident," Skeemo said. "Surely people realized it was an isolated case, just a mistake in judgement?" Unfortunately, as fate would have it, another incident occurred about the same time. You know how people are. Once is an accident, twice is a pattern. "What was the second incident?" Sam asked. |
| "Some of the kids were taunting a Dragon." Porcine said "They stepped on the Dragon's tail, he let out a shot of fiery breath and a whole apartment building burned down." Sam, Sapphire and Skeemo looked at each other "You know." Sapphire said "It might not be brainwashing to teach the Human Kids not to be bullies. It might just be teaching them basic manners like you teach your kids to buckle their seat belts or or to eat with utensils." "Excuse me." Came a small voice, Felcanrod looked over and saw a young rat boy "I think I know why Timmy the Tooth is doing this." Said the Rat Boy "It started with my big brother Thomas. "OK Kid." Skeemo said "Spill the beans what happened?" "Well...My Brother was the bar tender at Club Technochocolate, one of the best Humanimal run clubs around it was where all the coolest Humanimals would go dance the night away. (Start Flashback) The Humanimals are dancing to a techno beat having a great time when the door flies open and the music screeches to a halt, Timmy the Tooth stands in the doorway, at this point he is only as tall as a five year old Timmy Oh boy! A Party! Timmy skips into the rave he starts singing, with no music Timmy I like to sing and dance! I do it all day long! I like to skip and prance, to my happy song! Thomas Rat saunters up to him Thomas Kid, didn't we tell you you were banned for life from here? Timmy smiles like nothing is wrong Timmy Oh but I know you didn't mean it! Thomas This is a club for ADULTS, Kid and you're clearly not an adult |
| In the present, Sam says, "Sounds like the guy was doing his job. When I was on the force, we had this officer who, due to a couple of medical conditions, looked like he was fourteen years old - four foot six, no facial hair, and looked like a kid over all, but he was twenty-five. We used him for the kind of situations that kids might be over-looked in, like playing in the park while a drug deal goes on about a hundred feet from him, with him watching them, and seeing if Establishments were checking for I.D., which was interesting, as we had to let those who had refused him entrance, due to his presumed age, or because they thought that he had a Fake I.D., know the truth about him, so that he could go there if he wanted to, and, at the same time, thank them for keeping kids from potential harm, and for keeping themselves from getting into legal trouble." "What about those who just let him in without checking his I.D.?" asked Sapphire. "Then they would have some problems with the City Council, among others," said Sam. "After all, one doesn't want a real kid to enter those kinds of places." "Well, let's get back to the story about Timmy," said Skeemo. |
| "Yes," Sapphire said, addressing the young rat boy. "You say your big brother Thomas said, 'This is a club for adults, kid, and you're clearly not an adult'? Then what did Timmy the Tooth say?" |
| The Young Rat Nash said "Timmy had to be forcibly removed from the club. That's all Thomas told me before...Before he was eaten." Young Nash started to weep |
| "We'll get your brother back," said Sam. "You will?" Nash asked. Sam got down on one knee, so that he could look into the kid's eyes. "You have my word." At this, Nash hugged the wolf, all but choking him. "Thank you." Sam looked at the others, feeling somewhat embarrassed. |
| Later, Sapphire whispered in Sam's good ear, "Why did you say we could get his brother back? The tooth ate him." "Do teeth have a digestive system?" Sam asked. "No... What are you saying? That everyone Timmy has eaten is still alive inside of him? Zzrt, is that possible?" "Well, if our robot theory is correct," Zzrt said, "it could be possible. Timmy the Tooth could be a giant collector robot equipped with cages and a feeding system for his prisoners." "That sounds so crazy. But it would explain why Timmy gets bigger and bigger. He needs more room to hold his collectibles." |
| "OK." Sapphire said "If everyone is alive inside that tooth maybe we can see them if we use X-Rays." |
| "Actually, a Thermal Reading might be easier to read," said Sam. "If we can use something to detect body heat, that would tell us the truth of the matter much more efficiently, or something." "What's wrong with an X-Ray?" asked Sapphire. "X-Rays don't always work on robots - you might see the equivalent of his skeleton, but not those of the people inside of him," said Sam. "Especially if there isn't any openings." "How would you know this?" Skeemo asked. "I've helped to demonstrate more than a few security detection systems," said Sam. |
| "Think of it this way," Zzrt said. "If the robot was a box opaque to x-rays, then the x-ray would show a box, but not what is inside it. If the robot was a box that was transparent to x-rays, only then could you see inside the box." "Fine," Skeemo said. "We use thermal imaging. Zzrt?" "What?" "Make it happen." Zzrt spread his hands. "We don't have a thermal reader of our own. Sheriff?" Sheriff Porcine made a face. "No. I don't have one." |
| "Try the jet," said Sam. "If I know Mr. Smitty, he has something stored on the plane, somewhere." "How do you know?" Skeemo asked. "I grew up in his household, and he liked to plan for anything," said Sam. "Once he had my father set up a scenario that involved an earthquake occurring during a tornado, which had occurred during a terrorist attack, which occurred while people were sick with the flu." "Seriously?" Sapphire asked. "I wouldn't lie about that," said Sam. "To be honest, I'm halfway surprised he has yet to give us a 'Highly Trained Team of Mercenaries' all with their own roles - thief, sniper, medic, demolitions expert, driver, underwater experts, and everything else to fill up all of the seats on that plane. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if he's working on it." |
| "OK, here's the deal," said Skeemo. "There's a thermal reader on the plane, but it's built in as part of the sensor equipment. So the pilot has already taken off and will fly over Timmy the Tooth, do a reading, and then send the images to us." |
| "Sounds good to me." Sapphire said, just then her stomach rumbled "I'm hungry." She said "If I don't eat something soon I'll faint." "I know a Diner." Said Porcine "Down the way Has the best Bacon in town." Everyone looked at the Sheriff." "What?" Said Porcine "Just because I'm a Pig doesn't mean I can't enjoy bacon!" . |
| "And some people call wolves insensitive when they eat lamb meat while sheep are at the table next to them, or anything else when the Humanimal version was nearby," Sam muttered. "Well, say what you will, but I haven't heard of a wolf eating wolf meat, or dog meat." "Most carnivores, and omnivores, aren't that way," whispered Sapphire. Porcine looked at them. "What are talking about?" Sam pasted an embarrassed look on his face. "Well, I was wondering if you knew of any Establishments that had Honey Bunnies in them. Legitimate ones of course." Porcine laughed loudly at this. "Of course I do. And might I say, these Bunnies know how to make a man squeal like a piggy. Why, when I'm not on Duty, you can find me there more often than you'll find me at home. Come on! My treat, both for the meal, and for the Honey Bunny. I'll get you one with the biggest tits you've ever seen, and the fattest ass ever!" "That's a very nice offer," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "He's an even bigger pervert than I thought," muttered Sapphire. "What was that?" Porcine asked. "I said 'The bigger the better,'" said Skeemo. Porcine laughed. "For a rat like you, they'll be huge!" Skeemo gulped. I hope they ain't too big, he thought. The things people do to help keep others out of trouble. Sam got out a paper, and pen, scribbled a quick note, and passed it to Sapphire, who read it, then passed it to Skeemo, who, after reading it, tossed it into a trash can. The note said, "Once this job is done, we'll leave as quick as we can." |
| Everything changed rapidly when Skeemo's cell beeped and the first thermal images came through. "It's just as we thought!" Skeemo said. "There are live bodies inside the tooth, and..." "And what?" said Sapphire. Skeemo looked up. "And dead bodies, too." "We've got to crack that tooth open," Sam growled. |
| "Everything born or built is created with innate weaknesses," said Sam. "Find its weakness, you can kill or destroy it." "Do you have an idea?" Sapphire asked. "Trip it, get something to wench its mouth open, not to mention keep it open, get a nice long rope, send someone in, and get those people out," said Sam. "After that, leave a nice explosive." |
| "Well, I am not going into it's mouth," Sapphire said. She looked meaningfully at Skeemo. "Wait a minute now," Skeemo said. "Sam is the special operations expert. I mean, I would do it... but Sam knows so much more about explosives." Sam chuckled. "Don't worry. I'm already thinking about how to do it. Maybe Sally and Zzrt can give me a little help." Sally's eyes brightened. "Sam, you want me to fly to the tooth and see if I can locate any cracks or openings?" "You took the words right out of my mouth," Sam said. |
| Sam then looked at Zzrt. "Mind studying the images? I want to know this thing's weak point, and how powerful of an explosive I'd need to destroy it." "I'll see what I can do," said Zzrt. "You got two hours," said Sam. "I don't want to think about what will happen if we don't get the remainder out soon - especially if those carnivores get hungry, though, grim as it might be, the bodies of the deceased might help out there before they find themselves being forced to kill to eat." Sapphire cringed at this. "I don't want to think about that." |
| Sally found Timmy the Tooth resting in a forest. She wondered why there were no police or military around him. How could they not locate him? Then she saw that there was a perimeter set up around the forest, lots of police and military. Maybe they had to keep a certain distance away from Timmy to avoid being harmed. And they probably didn't want to shoot at Timmy because of the living beings inside him. Maybe they just couldn't decide what to do. She zipped in close, being too small for Timmy to notice. After all, she was just another bug. Zzrt showed Sam a particular image. "See those hairlines there? I think it's an access door into the tooth." "So it really is a giant robot then?" Sam asked. "Not like we usually think of robots. I believe it's more like a giant clam or something. The shell, the tooth enamel, is generated by biological processes, but inside the tooth is a hollow area that is constantly growing larger as the tooth increases in size. That's where the victims are processed." "Processed," Skeemo said. "What a horrible word." |
| "Clams taste good with butter." Sapphire said "Shame we can't do the same with this tooth." Just then, a young Mouse Girl she looked to be no older then ten years old "Excuse me." She said "My name is Milly and I think I might have an idea." "How did you get here?" Sam asked "I bribed the cops with cookies." Milly said holding up her basket of chocolate chip crunches. Skeemo remembered the previous experience he had with cookies, he shivered mumbling 'Cookies' "So...What do you think can help and why?" Sam asked "Timmy loves music." Milly said "Before he started growing he would practically sing non-stop and he would always sing such baby songs like,The Farmer in the Dell, and Three Blind Mice, it was so obnoxious." "You're too old for those songs I see." Sam said "I like Classic Rock." Said Milly "Anyway...If you could get him start to sing and dance, he might eject everyone out of his mouth." |
| "Anyone know where the nearest music shop is?" Sam asked. "Specifically, one with Nursery Rhymes?" |
| Skeemo said. "We can't be sure he will eject everyone. Someone will still have to go inside." "I know," Sam said. Just then Sally returned. "At the top of his head is an access hatch. I could hear people yelling in there." "Just where Zzrt said it would be," Skeemo said. "I'm on the way," Sam said. "Get that music playing!" "Will do!" Skeemo and Sapphire had some big portable sound equipment moved into the edge of the forest. Soon The Farmer In the Dell was blaring from the speakers. "Sam!" Skeemo said into his cell phone. "Are you in position?" |
| Sam soon saw the giant tooth. "Remind me to never complain about my dentist again," he muttered into his headset. |
| "Is the music working?" Skeemo asked into the microphone. "Is Timmy starting to sing and dance? Sam! Can you see anything?" "Why isn't he answering?" said Sapphire. |
| Sam spoke into his headset. "He's coming guys. If any of you are on good terms with the Almighty, or whomever, start talking good things about me." |
| "Good luck, Sam!" Skeemo said. "Break a leg!" Sapphire said. "What?! Break a leg?" "That's what they say on Broadway." "This isn't Broadway!" Timmy the Tooth opened his mouth to sing Farmer in the Dell. It came out too low and too slow because he was so big now. The faaaarmerrrr inn the delllll.... |
| Out of his mouth came a bunch of Humanimals, some alive, some dead, of course the mouth was at canopy level and even the creatures with Wings were too dazed to fly |
| Sam landed and rolled. Luckily Timmy's tongue was fairly soft. "Anybody in here?" Sam yelled, running around Timmy's interior shining a flashlight into all the corners. "Help!" came a tiny voice from deep inside the malignant tooth. |
| "Don't worry," Sam shouted. "I'm going to get you out of there." The wolf lowered down another rope. "Hurry up, and climb!" |
| "I hate this tooth!" Thomas said. "We all do," Sam agreed, "but now is the time for action, not ranting. Move!" Sam stuck an explosive pack at what seemed to be a critical place and followed Thomas out of the tooth. There was a perilous moment when Timmy noticed Sam and Thomas and started to go after them, but then the music switched from The Farmer in the Dell to Skip To My Lou and Timmy got caught up in the sounds again. When they were far enough away, Sam triggered the radio detonator and the explosives ripped a huge hole in the side of Timmy the Tooth. "It's going to take a good dentist to fill that cavity," Sam said. But Timmy the Tooth would never visit the dentist again. Timmy the Tooth was dead. Cool episode, Twiga! This will be your last add for it. Then BBWolf will be carrying us into episode 3. |
| Nash was so happy to see his brother again, they laughed they cried, Thomas promised to take Nash to Disneyland next month just like he said he would. Sam turned to Milly the Mouse "Thanks for the help, you're a bright young Mouse, I'm sure you have a promising future ahead of you." "Thank you." Milly said Sam knelt down and whispered "In fact you gave more help then all the police in this town combined, here's a CD of my favorite Classic Rock songs." |
| "Is it going to be a problem?" Skeemo said. "I don't think so," Sam said, "unless you make it a problem." "What's that supposed to mean? I intend to behave very nicely, thank you. How about you, Sapphire?" |
| "I hope not," said Sam. "Personally, there's a few words that I'd use to describe her, but I don't feel like insulting my mother." The wolf walked over to a shelf, which had a picture laying face-down. Sam placed the picture in the correct position. "I hate it when she does this." Sapphire and Skeemo took a look at the picture. In it was a younger, and full-faced Sam, with a young woman in his arms, as they walked away from a priest. The woman had red hair, and green eyes, much like the one woman who had been with Mr. Smitty. "This might be the reason that woman keeps on putting these pictures down," said Sapphire. "If that were true, she wouldn't be messing with my pictures either, or those of the others," Sam said. "Mr. Smitty's a good man, but he has bad luck with women. His first wife, Martha, Annabel's mother, died of a car accident. Wife number 2, Maria, she was a thief." "And Wife Number 3?" "That would be Mary," said Sam. "Mr. Smitty married her two years after me and Annabel did. She didn't like Annabel, and Annabel didn't like her. Annabel always complained about how Mary treated the others, like that they were animals. She's right there - Mary's always calling my sister a whore, among other things." "Why would she say that about your sister?" Skeemo asked. Sam chuckled nervously. "Let's just say that Tabitha owns an Establishment, and that Mr. Smitty helped to finance it." Sapphire's eyes bulged. "She owns one of those places?" Sam shrugged his shoulders. "She wanted an Establishment, and it's quite the popular one - everyone from day-laborers on up to senators comes in to enjoy the services the place provides." "Um, I hate to ask, but, does she, um, provide any of these services?" Skeemo asked. Sam nodded. "She does on occasion, but the client has to be special, and she uses protection, as does everyone else." "I'm surprised you're not being judgmental about it," said Skeemo. "It's my sister; I've learned not to judge her," said Sam. "And she has learned not to judge me. Besides, family gets a twenty percent discount." "Well, what about Mary's son?" Sapphire asked, changing the subject. "What about him?" "James? You met up with him on the trip to Glasgow - arrogant snob, and a selfish jerk," said Sam. "I'm surprised that Mr. Smitty doesn't divorce Marry," said Sapphire. "Let's just say that Mr. Smitty is too nice of a guy to do that," said Sam. "They had nothing, and Mr. Smitty was more lonely than visits to a Honey Bunny could cure. That being said, Mr. Smitty was smart enough to have Mary sign a contract of sorts before he married her -any criminal activities, and they are out of the will." "So, who will get Mr. Smitty's money?" Skeemo asked. Sam smiled. "Given the fact that I married Mr. Smitty's daughter, and we were friends up to the end, and all that, I'm at least one of the heirs." The wolf then opened a door. "And here's my family's place of residence." "And here are your parents." A pair of arms wrapped around Sam. "Nice to see you too, mom," Sam gasped out. "My ribs!" "Oops, sorry." An elderly female wolf let Sam go, only for an elderly male wolf to grab him. "And those are my arms!" Sam gasped in pain. "How have you been?" asked an elderly male wolf, who let go of Sam, just in time for a female wolf about Sam's age to pounce on him, knocking him to the floor. "How's my big brother?" "Sis, get off of me." |
| Skeemo and Sapphire waited for the hugs and greetings to be over, then Sam introduced them. Sam's sister, Tabitha, looked quite a bit like him, except she had two eyes and two ears. "Sam tells me all about Felcanrod," Tabitha said. "You guys do such exciting work." "It's a living," Skeemo said. "Actually, we give Sam all the dangerous jobs." |
| At this, the elder Mrs. Blacktail chuckled. "We should have known you'd be tired after your trips. There's a spa here. Let me take you all to it. Arnold, be a dear, and assist the young lady." The elder male wolf smiled. "Of course, Rebecca." The elderly male wolf gently grabbed Sapphire's hand, and gave it a kiss. "Nice to make your acquaintance, young lady." "Makes me wonder where Sam got him manners from," Skeemo muttered. The rat then felt a jab in the ribs, causing him to look at Sam's sister. "The same place I did," she said, with a light growl. "Now, do you think that you can walk to the spa, or do you need to be carried?" Skeemo chuckled nervously. "I can walk." Soon, the group was at the spa section, causing Sapphire and Skeemo to gasp at the luxury of it - hot tubs, mud baths, massage stands, and anything else needed for all types of people, along with those who provided the required services. "You guys have all this?" Skeemo asked. "I think I might want to open a branch out here." "Forget that idea," said Sam. "Unless you are a guest, or actually work here, this isn't open to the Public." "You'd be surprised at how much better the workers are able to do their jobs because of this," said Arnold. "I know me and Rebecca enjoy it, especially as we get older, and the cold affects our joints more and more." "This is very nice," said Sapphire. "None of the other places I've been to could even compare." "Mr. Smitty rarely spares any expenses," said Sam. "You should of seen what he had planned for me and Annabel, both for the wedding, and for our house, until we convinced him to scale back from a million dollar wedding, and a billion dollar house, to a wedding that cost five thousand dollars, and a house that cost a hundred thousand dollars." "I'm still surprised you gave those up," said Tabitha. "Aside from yourself and Annabel, everyone wore jeans and a T-shirt, and sandals, and instead of the finest of catering and champagne, you had food trucks, beer, and soda." Sam chuckled. "It was what me and Annabel wanted, and you weren't too displeased with the occasion yourself." Tabitha grinned. "Especially when you tripped, and sent both yourself, and Annabel, into the wedding cake, and you were both covered in it." Sam groaned. "That was the only mistake of the day, or it should have been." Then he chuckled. "Of course, Annabel got me back for it, when she threw some at me." "And then you went and hit the priest with your piece, who threw a piece himself, and it snowballed from there," said Arnold. "Best wedding I've ever been to, except for my own of course." "I remember that one," said Rebecca. "You caught your pants on a nail, and ripped them all the way up, and you tried to hide it with your fancy dancing, at least until my dress got caught on that same nail, and pulled the bottom part right off of me." "Tell me you're talking about a nail on the floor, and not a toe claw," said Skeemo. Rebecca chuckled. "I'll leave that one up to you to figure out." |
| "Are you married?" Arnold asked. "Who? Me?" Skeemo said. "No, I never got into that situation, thank goodness." "Afraid of the ladies, eh?" "What? No, not afraid. I just like living my life my own way without anybody trying to boss me around." "Not every woman is bossy," Arnold said. "Find yourself a little Asian girl. They make good wives." "Uh... I'll keep that in mind." "How about you, young lady?" Arnold asked Sapphire. "Are you married?" |
| "No." Sapphire said "Haven't found anyone a liked enough, can I have a massage now? My legs are really sore." As Sapphire had her massage she was able to watch a TV on the ceiling the program was about some Soap Opera featuring a Mouse breaking up with a Rat |
| "Oh, this is heavenly," she said, with a sigh of contentment. "I have to agree with you there," said Skeemo, who was having his own massage. "If this is how the servants of the rich are treated, how are the rich themselves treated?" "They bath in liquid gold," said Sam, who was enjoying a hot tub, and getting his shoulders massaged. "Seriously?" Skeemo asked. Sam laughed. "No, but - oh, that feels good - Mr. Smitty like to use this one mineral oil, claims it restores the suppleness of his skin." "Does it really?" Skeemo asked. "I don't know, but it has a scent that makes women want him," said Sam. "He's quite popular at my sister's Establishment." "He ever sleep with your-" "Skeemo, I'll neuter you if you finish that sentence," growled Sam. "Either thought is disgusting - my mother is happily married, and Mr. Smitty practically helped to raise me and my sister." "Okay, shutting up," said Skeemo. "Oh, that feels good." "I'm sort of surprised you left this place," said Sapphire. "I didn't want Mr. Smitty to be both my Boss and Father-in-Law," said Sam. "Such relationship-types tend to lead to problems." "So, why are we here?" Skeemo asked. "Someone has been stealing from Mr. Smitty," said Sam. "He told me he'd tell us more when we had some privacy. At the moment, he's not sure whom to trust, and he thinks his phone might be tapped, or something." "Why would they want to steal from him?" Sapphire asked. "Three hundred billion reasons," said Sam. "All of them involve money, in one form or another." Skeemo whistled. "No wonder he likes to lavish his servants - he has more money than he could even spend in his own lifetime!" "He also donates to charities, lots of them," said Sam. "Name it, and either he's donated to it, or is planning on donating to it, after he investigates them of course - the worst thing you could do to him is to waste the money he gives out. There was this football player that cheated during one of the games last year, and was fined several million dollars for it. Guy tried to set up a charity fund to pay for it - Mr. Smitty called him out, and pointed out the guy's Millions - he didn't need no help to pay his fine, he just didn't want to pay it with his own money." |
| "But how would they steal his money?" Sapphire asked. "He's not like Scrooge McDuck with a big vault filled with bills and coins, is he?" "No," Sam said. "It's more subtle than that. The money is electronically transferred out of of Smitty's accounts and into the thief's account and then transferred again until all trace of it is lost." "But then all we need to know is the name of the owner of that first account." "First of all, it's always a different account. And second, it's never a real person, or if it is a person then it's a stolen identity." "This sounds very complicated," Skeemo said. "The thief must be more than one person. It sounds like an organized group that knows what it's doing." Sam nodded. "Most likely. However, they would need someone inside Smitty's organization to make it work. Smitty has narrowed it down to three main suspects. They each have some kind of access to Smitty's financial dealings. Only one of them is human." "Oh goody," Sapphire said. "I see why he called us." |
| One of the servants handed Sapphire a tray of sardines which she took one from and nibbled daintily. Meanwhile on the Humanimal Soap Opera some other character, a Female Pig, and a Male Elephant were talking in the rain Pig: George! What are you doing here? George: I've been diagnosed with...Truck cancer! Pig: Oh my gods! George: And I came to make up for lost time...We never should have gotten rid of the baby |
| "Good show on?" Sam asked. "Oh, yes," said Sapphire. "Although, one thing puzzles me; where is the sound coming from?" "From the massage table," said Sam. "The things have built-in speakers by the pillows, and a nob on the underside that you can use to change which TV you're listening to." Sapphire looked around the ceiling, and saw at least another eleven TVs, each with a different program on, including at least two sports channels, a cartoon channel, an outdoor channel, an action movie, along with a few others. Skeemo was also looking at the ceiling. "I'm surprised there isn't a porno channel on." "That requires an access code," said the masseuse that was serving him. "And you would have to use the bed over there, and lay face down, looking though the hole by the pillow, as the TV that has it is built in the floor." "Why would you set it up like that?" Skeemo asked. The masseuse pinched the rat's left butt cheek. "Think about it." Skeemo thought for a moment, and then chuckled nervously. "Right." "So, what's the plan?" Sapphire asked. "First, treat you guys to some of my mother's cooking," said Sam. "Then, after supper, talk to Mr. Smitty in private, and find out what he knows about the thefts." "Oh, that reminds me," said the masseuse that was dealing with Sam. "Mr. Smitty's been talking about getting you some additional help for your business." "Let me guess, Sniper, Thief, Demolitions Expert, Vehicle Expert, Medic, Spy, Hacker, Tracker, and everything else?" Sam asked. "Basically. He has fifty people lined up, all the best in their field, although some have criminal records, and three of them are doing time at the moment." Sam groaned. "Tell me he hasn't hired them yet." "He's waiting for your consent on that," said the masseuse. "He doesn't want to jump the gun there." Sam sighed. "Tell him that my associates will have to talk about that. After all, unless he's going to help pay them, we couldn't afford more than five at the moment." "You know how Mr. Smitty is," said the masseuse. "I'm sure he could help out there, especially with the possibility of you getting three hundred million dollars for stopping whomever is stealing from him." "Three hundred million?" Sam asked. "Well, that might make convincing the three of us to agree to his offer much easier." |
| Skeemo's eyes sparkled as he dreamed of how wealthy he would be. "Tell Smitty we will do whatever he wants." "Don't let the money blind you to the risks," Sapphire said. "We still need to maintain our high standards. And we need to get this right!" "Don't worry," Skeemo said. "I intend to make this job a shining example of our expertise. What's your mom going to cook for us, Sam?" |
| "Roast Turkey with all the trimmings." Sam said "Around here Turkey isn't just for the Holidays." Sapphire realized that if only one of three of the suspects were Human...What were the other two? That could mean literally anything from Goblin to Beholder, from tiny Ant to Blue Whale. |
| "Tell me, do you think that the thief is one of the people in the household?" Sapphire asked. "If they are, they are very stupid," said the masseuse that was serving her, a female white rabbit with brown ears. "Why is that?" Sapphire asked. The rabbit blushed. "Because Mr. Smitty makes sure that we have a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, money to spend on things, and that we are able to send our children to a good school." Skeemo looked at Sam. "What does she mean by that?" "I told you that my parents had dead-end jobs before Mr. Smitty hired them," said Sam. "To say nothing about living in a terrible home on the wrong side of town. Mr. Smitty gave them triple the pay, a place to stay, food to eat, and was able to see that me and my sister had a quality education. He does that with all of the household staff - nice-sized paychecks, a place to stay, food to eat, the finest of education, everything. Most of these people had no place to go, until Mr. Smitty came into their lives. It makes them very loyal to him." "How loyal?" asked Sapphire. "Well, I don't know if we'd die for him," said the rabbit. "But we certainly wouldn't steal from him." "What about committing crimes for him?" Skeemo asked. The masseuse serving him, a mastiff, squeezed his right butt cheek, real hard. "Don't even go there," the dog growled. Skeemo gritted his teeth in pain. Why did I have to get the mean one? he wondered. "Sal, take it easy on him," said Sam. "He's just asking questions, nothing personal." "Yes, Sam," said Sal. "Skeemo, a piece of advice, Sal pulls double-duty as one of Mr. Smitty's bodyguards," said Sam. "Try not to anger him." "And what about you?" Sapphire asked the one serving her. "Most people call me Tina," said the rabbit. "I tend to take care of the laundry." "And I know what mine does," Sam said, with a grin, as he looked at the ewe taking care of him. "Felicity, tell Tabitha that I'll be seeing you at the Establishment later on tonight." The ewe chuckled, and kissed him on the head. "I'll keep my schedule clear when I start my shift there." "I never did understand why some people chose that job," said Sapphire. "It's good money," said Felicity. "Especially when there's wealthy clients in the house." |
| After the massage was over, there was still some time before dinner. Skeemo sat by one of the pools thinking about the brief conversation he had with Sal. SKEEMO: As his bodyguard, you must know quite a lot about Smitty's affairs. SAL: I know who he sees if that's what you mean, but I'm not always in the room where they are talking. Sometimes I'm just outside the door. SKEEMO: Still, even so, you must know a lot. SAL: I don't snoop. Anything I hear goes in one ear and out the other. The only thing I'm interested in is assessing threats and making sure Smitty is safe. I don't pay any attention to the details of his deals. SKEEMO: Well, then, assessing threats. Is there anyone that seems to be an enemy of his and might want to steal from him? SAL: I assess physical threats, not financial. As far as I'm concerned, all those wheeler-dealers are thieves stealing from each other. |
| The food was wonderful. The turkey was juicy, the stuffing was melt-in-your-mouth in tenderness, and all the rest of it, from steamed vegetables, on to the apple pie, was beyond words, at least for those who could eat the entire assortment of food, and even those who could only eat certain parts of the table spread were able to enjoy their meal, and asked for seconds, or, in some cases, thirds. "I'll tell you Sam," said Sapphire. "Your mother is a good cook." Skeemo was busy filling his face with a roll he'd crammed full of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. "Mmm mmm MMMM!" "Skeemo, don't talk with your mouth full," Sam said, as he wiped the left side of his face, where some of the food had fallen through the hole in his cheek. "Yes, it's uncivilized," said Mary. "Like an animal," muttered James. Sam glared at the pair. Thus far, Wife Number 3 and her son were the only blemishes at the table. Everyone else, all 217 members of the staff and their families, were enjoying themselves, humans, Humanimals, and most anything else. Sam then went back to his plate. The last thing he wanted was to cause a fight with his former father-in-law's wife and stepson, although he did wish he could just kick them off the grounds. Problem was, only Mr. Smitty had that Authority, unless circumstances proved otherwise, then Sam would have that power, at least, until Mr. Smitty's other Heirs showed up. Sam looked at Mr Smitty. "So, how's John doing over there in Japan?" Mr. Smitty chuckled. "Well, I have good news there - his wife is pregnant." "Again?" Sam asked. "That's their sixth one!" "And he plans to visit me this Summer, and bring the kids as well," said Mr. Smitty. "I can't wait to see those grandkids of mine." "I hope to see them myself," said Sam. "I just wish that me and Annabel could have provided you with some of our own." Mr. Smitty frowned. "She had told me she was pregnant over the phone, right after she visited the doctor. She had told me to keep quite about it, until you got home. If only there was a way to reverse time, and change what happened that night." "Who's John?" Sapphire whispered. "Mr. Smitty's eldest," Sam whispered back. "Annabel had four older brothers. They live in different parts of the world - John in Japan, Max in Australia, Arnold in Germany, and Dutch in South Africa - all overseeing different branches of Mr. Smitty's company." |
| Skeemo filed that information away in his head... Smitty had four sons... John in Japan Max in Australia Arnold in Germany Dutch in South Africa History was filled with examples of sons turning against their father. The sons would have to be considered possible suspects as a source for Mr Smitty's problems. Mentally, Skeemo had already opened folders in his mind for each of them. |
| "The food is the most wonderful I've ever eaten." Sapphire said "We hope we can help as soon as possible." In the back of her mind, Sapphire was still wondering what possible species the other two suspects could be |
| "Say Sam," said Skeemo. "How likely is it that your former brothers-in-law would steal from Mr. Smitty?" "Slim to none," said Sam. "Though I'd lead towards None more." "Why's that?" Skeemo asked. "If any of the sons tried to steal from Mr. Smitty, the company, or each other, that son would be written out of the will," said Sam. "Given the fact that they'd be, effectively, giving up at least fifty billion dollars, or more, they aren't going to risk it on peanuts. Also, their kids would be cut out of what would have been the son's share - that would go to the other sons, and their offspring." "Sounds like Mr. Smitty thought of everything," said Skeemo. "And he checks the will every single week, to make sure that no one has swapped it for a fake," said Sam. "Also, when he dies, the location where the will is kept is to be sealed for a month before it is reopened before all of the perspective heirs." "So, where is the will being held at?" Sapphire asked. "One of those Federal banks, and Mr. Smitty has set aside money for said bank to make up for what they would otherwise lose over that month." Skeemo gave a whistle. "So, place the sons at the very bottom of the suspect list?" "Yeah," said Sam. "They might have the occasional disagreement with the old man, but they aren't stupid enough to steal from him, and risk their children's futures." "What about Wife Number 3 and her son?" Sapphire asked. "Not if they know what's good for them," said Sam. "That being said, I wouldn't be surprised if they were involved." "So, does Mr. Smitty have any enemies?" Sapphire asked. "Only everyone in the Billionaires' Club," said Sam. "And most anyone else involved in the shipping business. And more than a few politicians." "Thought that he'd be friends with those guys," said Skeemo. "They make a lot of loopholes to keep rich people rich." "Perhaps," said Sam. "However, Mr. Smitty is in favor of a fair tax rate for all, and likes to call out those who abuse their wealth and power." "Any skeletons in Mr. Smitty's closet?" Skeemo asked. "Not as many as you might think," said Sam. "He'll point out his own flaws and past mistakes, keeps people from having anything on him." "Such as?" "Stole more than a few vehicles in his youth, did a stint for B&E when he was 20, released five years later, did a little of this and that, and he makes no attempts to hide his sex life," said Sam. "He might have a thing for redheads with green eyes, but he'll hit on most anything that moves, including more than a few men." "So, the guy has no secrets?" Sapphire asked. "He once told me, 'Sam, I've yet to find a secret that couldn't be kept, as someone will find out eventually.' Probably the truest words ever spoken." "So, do you have an idea about potential suspects?" Sapphire asked. "Possibly the people he just bought out," said Sam. "But the fact that he paid double their price should make it unlikely. Then again, he could have outbidded someone who wanted that section of the shipping trade real bad." |
| Skeemo said, "Sam, you told me that Mr Smitty himself had three main suspects in mind, only one of them being human. Who are they?" "He didn't tell me," Sam said. "What?!" "He wants to see what we come up with first before he tells us his ideas." Skeemo shook his head. "He sure has a competitive streak in him. I want to talk to him myself, in private. This is ridiculous not to have the benefit of his suspicions." "I'll arrange a meeting for you," Sam said. |
Penelope Von Schwartz ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sapphire was feeling a little drowsy, she stretched and in doing so knocked her glass of wine onto her clothes. "Oh gosh!How clumsy of me!" Sapphire said "I can help you with that." Came a Dutch Accented Voice Sapphire looked around "Down here Kitty." Said the Voice Sapphire looked down and saw a very small Mouse Woman, the Mouse only came up to her knee but she was clearly a full grown adult. She was wearing a French Maid's outfit tailored to her size The Mouse had grey fur but blonde head-fur "I am Penelope Von Schwartz." Said the Mouse "I can get you some new clothes if you come with me." Sapphire followed a little tipsy, Sam and Skeemo didn't follow, Sam did notice the Mouse Woman had absolutely no tail "New Girl?" Sam asked "She came to us a few months ago." Said Mr. Smitty "We found her in a trip to Holland, a Pig Man gangster was chasing her and cut off her tail." Well let's not get into what Mr. Smitty did to the Pig Man. Penelope led Sapphire not to the laundry room but to her own personal room with her own custom built personal computer,' "Sit in that chair." Said the Mouse, Sapphire sat in a plush purple chair, Penelope removed something from her hair a tiny microchip, and placed it in the computer. "You will see something that very few Earth People have seen before." Penelope said as the video started The Video was a secret meeting of the Billionaire's club, at the podium speaking was a short and fat little man almost as tall as Penelope herself then man seemed to have his right eye and the flesh around it removed so he had a mechanical clockwork eye "Thank y'all!" He said in a Texan accent "And now here's the one Ya'll been waiting for...Hell I can't pronounce this name...I'll just call you Shiny Man." As the man waddled away a being just materialized at the podium, it was human shaped but was clearly a being made entirely of light "Thank you Mr. Badson." Said the being "Yes...The names of us Light Beings are unpronounceable to your meat tongues but don't worry I will fulfill my task...My People can possess any electronic device to do whatever we wish of it...Why I could potentially hijack the entire internet...Just then the Light Being looked directly at the camera "That mouse is wearing a wire!" Yelled the Light Being The Camera moved and as it was ow clear Penelope had been doing the recording as she ran out "That's when Mr. Smitty found me...Having my tail cut off by one o their Swine Thugs." Penelope said "Why didn't you tell Mr. Smitty?" Sapphire asked "I don't want to reveal my two secrets, that I'm a Natural Psychic, the only way I got in was through hypnotic suggestion...And the reason I'm psychic is I'm from another Planet...Many years ago...I team of Humans and Earth animal astronauts got sucked through a wormhole and landed on another planet where they evolved psychic powers...I didn't know they were going to invite a light being who also have psychic abilities." |
| "That's going to complicate things," said Sapphire. Meanwhile, Sam was at a shooting range with his father. On a table in front of each of them was a disassembled gun, the latest of the Glock series. Twenty feet from the tables was a set of targets. "Like I've always told you," said Arnold. "Speed is of the essence in a fight." "So you keep telling me," said Sam. "What's the challenge?" "Assemble the gun, and take out the most hostiles, without causing harm to innocents, within sixty seconds." "Alright." "Now!" The two wolves heard a beep, and their hands went flying as they assembled their firearms. Sam finished his first, Arnold a split second behind him. They then began firing, and then reloading, and firing again, until they heard a buzzer go off. "And Time." The two wolves unloaded their guns, and cleared the chambers. "Not bad," said Arnold. "Your aim's a little off though." Sam took a look. Every one of his targets had been hit in the left eye. "You aim for the nose, I aim for the eye." "And here I was worried your depth perception was off," said Arnold. "It is," said Sam. "However, I've learned to compensate for it." Arnold nodded. "That's good to hear." |
| Skeemo was happy to meet Penelope. "A psychic, eh? Then maybe you can help us. Can you read minds?" "No," Penelope said. "Not like you would read a book. I just pick up thoughts and images, usually because they have some emotional charge attached to them." "Do you have to be standing right next to the person?" "No," Penelope said, "not if I already know them. But if they are a stranger then I would have to be near them." "That spoils my idea. Unless you already know Mr. Smitty. Do you?" |
| "My psychic powers are limited to...Hypnotic Suggestion...Premonition of Danger or 'Sixth Sense' as we on Planet Punk call it and I have the ability to knock out the optic nerves with my mind causing my intended target to be blind for half an hour |
| "Besides, Mr. Smitty's a good man," said Penelope. "I mean, he saved me, and took me in, with no questions asked. I mean, he has some faults, but every man has those." |
| "I'm sure he's a good man," Skeemo said. "I'm just frustrated that he won't tell us up front who he suspects. I mean, he knows more about his business than we will ever know, so it only seems fair that he should give us the benefit of his thoughts about it. Right?" "But fair to who?" Penelope said. "What about the suspects? I think Mr Smitty is trying to be fair to them. He might be wrong about them. Putting ideas in your head about who the suspects are would just prejudice you in that direction. And maybe it's the wrong direction." "Hmmm..." Skeemo thought about it. "I see your point. You're pretty smart for a mouse." |
| "But anyway we now know because of that video I showed the two of you it's all of his enemies they'e using an Energy Being to go into the internet and steal money from his account...I'm pretty sure Mr. Smitty doesn't know of the existence of energy beings since they never announced there presence to Earth Council." Penelope said |
| "So, what's going on?" Sam asked as he came into the room. "We might be dealing with energy beings who can hack into places," said Sapphire. "Didn't count on that," said Sam. |
| "This sounds like a job for Zzrt," Skeemo said. Zzrt looked surprised. "How's that?" Skeemo raised his eyebrows. "Computers? Hacking? Aren't you our go-to guy?" "Actually I specialize in gadgetry," Zzrt said. "I'm pretty sure that's what's in my Associates contract.." Skeemo looked at Sapphire. "Zzrt has a contract?" Sapphire shrugged. "He wanted one. I thought why not? What can it hurt?" Skeemo turned back to Zzrt. "But you must know SOMETHING about computers?" "Oh, I know a lot, but maybe not enough. I suggest we contact this individual I know and see if he will help. He's a top class hacker." |
| "And also...I don't know anything about energy beings." Zzrt "Hardly any Alien made of Meat does...They's always been so secretive, many consider them the mercenaries of the universe whose only loyalty is to the highest bidder." "What in the world do you pay and being made of energy with?" Sam asked "I don't know I've never dealt with them...But rumors circle around that payment is a permit to leech some of the local sun's energy for themselves, which will always shortens a star's life...Sometimes just one or two years off that star's life...Sometimes a couple centuries." Penelope's face went pale "That would mean Earth's Billionare Club just sold years off the Earth's Sun's life just for revenge of Smitty." |
| "Could it be that we have finally tackled a case that is beyond our abilities?" asked Skeemo. "Nonsense!" Sapphire said. "They all look tough in the beginning. We just don't have a good grip on this one yet. You know how it is. At first you stumble around trying to figure out what's going on, then the way becomes clear and you can proceed rapidly to your goal." "We are sure stumbling now," Skeemo said. "What about Mr. Bedson in Penelope's video, the man with the Texas accent? He must know something." |
| "He's among the guys who hired the Light Beings to steal Smitty's account in the first place!" Exclaimed Penelope "I don't know if they're aware they've condemned Earth to an Early Death but they're not going to listen to their enemy's Family Bounty Hunters Just then the computer made a musical sound, playing the tune, I Come From Alabama Penelope looked at the message 'It's from someone called...Sugar Smoochum ." Sapphire blinked "How did my pet learn how to use email?" "The message is...Porygon...The Cyber Pokemon and there is a Attachment." Without a thought Penelope opened the email What appeared was a weird colorful creature that looked a bit like a cyber rubber ducky http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Porygon_%28Pok%C3%A9mon%29 Penelope read the message "Porygon the Cyber Warrior, was created to fight threats to the internet...Warning may cause seizures." |
| "Sounds like it might be worth the risk," said Sam. "Mmm, one moment." He typed on a few keys. "Seems that Polygon was misidentified as the cause behind the seizures - seems it was Pikachu's thunderbolts that did it." |
| "Must we deal with the Pokemonians again?" asked Skeemo. "I find them all to be nuisances. Every one of them seems to have some obnoxious habit like poison or electricity or fire or whatever and woe to the person who rubs them the wrong way. It's zap, bite, burn, or worse!" "But they are so teeny tiny," Sapphire said. "Really, Skeemo, there are a lot worse things in the world than Pocket Monsters." "I give in! Then let's find out what this Porygon character can do for us." "I've worked with the Pokémon before," Zzrt said. "They can be very cooperative if you know how to tell jokes and provide good snacks." Sam laughed. "Sounds like our favorite alien was throwing secret Pokémon parties on his spaceship." Zzrt blushed. "Some of them appeal to me very much." |
| "Alright, let's use it," said Sam. "The sooner this is finished, the sooner I can leave Wife Number 3 and her son." |
| Porygon was not impressed with Zzrt's computing equipment. "You call this a Cyber Center? I've seen better at a 7-11 store." "We are on the road!" Zzrt protested. "I have better back at our main office in Las Vegas. This is my traveling equipment. A Surface 3, an Airbook, and two custom-made laptops by Celeron of Hollywood." "That chump!" Porygon snorted. "Celeron makes laptops for the stars - all glitter and glam with minimum RAM!" "I was told he was the best." "Maybe in the West," Porygon said. "You come to Japan. I fix you up good. You become most powerful cybernaut in the Western Hemisphere!" "I just might do that," Zzrt said, "but right now, can you help us with these Light Beings and their infernal hacking tendencies?" |
| "Let me just access my Porygon Army in Japan." Porygon said "If there is more then one energy being we'll need an army to fight them all off!" |
| "Bah!" said Porygon. "It's always big deal, isn't it? Future of the world. End of mankind. Earth-shaking catastrophe. You listen to me. Never such a big deal. Always in the end a small deal." "Porygon!" Skeemo said. "We don't want to hear your Asian philosophy. We want you to do something about these hacking Light Beings!" "OK! OK! I access my Porygon army now. Find out what's what. You give me five minutes, OK?" "OK," Skeemo said. After Porygon left, Skeemo rolled his eyes and said, "Pocket Monsters! I can't work with them." |
| Porygon returned. "My army ready. We show those Light Beings who is boss, yes?" "Mr. Smitty is the boss," said Sally. "Porygon means we are going to defeat the Light Beings," said Sapphire. "Oh. Why didn't he say that?" Porygon looked down his nose at Sally. "You a bug? Sapphire, why you have a bug on your team? In computer world, bug very bad." |
| "We need Sally when we need someone to sneak into small places or we need someone who is practically invisible." Said Sapphire "Well anyway." Porygon said "My army is now ready to take on the Light Beings!" |
| "Sam!" Skeemo said. "Do you think we should warn Mr. Smitty about what we are going to do?" "I'll call him," Sam said, "but don't wait. Let's just do it." "OK," Porygon said. "Porygon Army hacking into systems now. Porygon Army backtracking along trail left by Light Beings." "What are they going to do when they find them?" Skeemo said. "I don't know," replied Sapphire. "Something electronic, I guess." "Bingo!" Porygon yelled. "My Army located Light Beings. Much surprise. Hahaha! Uh oh, Light Beings, do you have a bad connection. We fuse all their lines. Seal them off. They have no way in or out. Stuck inside cyberspace now and they can't go home again." Suddenly a chime rang on a nearby computer terminal and a voice said, "You've got mail." "Don't open it!" Sapphire said. "It's just an email," said Skeemo and reached to press a key on the keyboard. |
| Sam chuckled. "Seems someone didn't do their research." "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "Members of the Billionaire's Club bring at least one servant/ bodyguard, along with their children, who can bring a servant of their own," said Sam. "Guess whom Mr. Smitty tended to bring to the meetings?" "You and Annabel," said Skeemo. "That's right," said Sam. "And since Annabel's share of her father's fortune is rightfully mine, I'm a member of the Club." He then began typing on a few keys. "Furthermore, I know everyone in the Club." "What does that even mean?" Skeemo asked. "If they had done their research, they would have realized that I was one of the founders of the group, and they would have known that I could ask Mr. Smitty for better help than most of them together could afford," said Sam. "And since the one I'm going to contact owes me their life, they might be willing to listen." "And who are we talking about?" Sapphire asked. "Let's just say that there was an age distance of two years and two months between him and my sister, and let's just say he's lucky that me and Annabel didn't kill him when he thought that my sister was older than she was," said Sam. "Annabel's former fiancee?" Skeemo asked. "That's the one," said Sam. "Cost his family plenty to not get him Registered as a Sex Offender on account of the 'But she looked 18' thing, let alone the fact that she was unwilling in the first place. All I have to do is threaten to open that file up, and claim everyone will boycott his family's grocery chain, and he'll be willing to listen to what I have to tell him." "And you know the skeletons in the closets of the other members of the Club," said Sapphire. "There's plenty I know." |
| "Sam comes through again!" Skeemo said. "It's not so surprising," said Sapphire, "since we are working on his turf here." "Sam is a very good bounty hunter," Sally said. "OK, Sam," said Skeemo. "Bring it on home!" |
| Penelope saw what these bounty hunters were capable of, and deeply wished to be part of their group |
| Sam glanced at her. "I don't need to read minds to know what you're thinking," he said. "You want to join." "Well, yes," said Penelope. "Aside from being able to read minds -" "Actually, I just trick people in to not seeing me," said Penelope. Sam blinked. "So, basically, you make yourself invisible?" "If you want to put it that way, yes." "Okay, are you twenty-one years old or older?" Sam asked. "I don't like hiring teenagers, even if they are 18 through 20 years and 364 days old." Penelope chuckled. "Trust me, I'm over 21." "Alright," said Sam. "Any good with a gun?" "No." "A knife?" "No." "Hand-to-hand combat?" "No." "Sneaking around?" "Some." "Stealing?" "Not really." "Hacking computers?" "To a degree." "Can you hotwire a car?" "No." Sam looked at the mouse."Good. I can work with a clean slate." "A clean slate?" Penelope asked. "You have nothing that I'd have to unteach you of," said Sam. "I would have preferred that you knew some of the basics of committing crimes, but help from an novice amateur is better than nothing. Might be able to use you as a decoy, or a spy." "What kind of spy?" Penelope asked. "A seductive girlfriend? A slutty whore? A Honey Bunny?" "None of the above," said Sam. "You'd do best as a maid." "A maid?" Penelope asked. "In this day and age?" "The sexual types are always obvious," said Sam. "Same with the Muscle-types. However, no one notices the submissive and servile types, unless they screw something up." "He has a point," said Sapphire. "Aside from your lack of a tail, there's nothing to differentiate you from any of the other mice working here." "Being able to blend in is key to undercover work," said Sam. He pointed at his face. "Hence why I don't work undercover any more. Used to be I could pass myself off as a boyfriend, a male Honey Bunny, a bodyguard, a waiter, or most anything else. Hard to do that with a face that would terrify a cold-hearted murderer." |
| Skeemo rubbed his hands together. "Now that we have solved Mr Smitty's problems, I say we all take a little vacation. We've been working hard for a long time." "What about me?" Penelope said. "For you it will be training instead of vacation. You can sign our contract. Sam will give you some books to read and movies to watch. I'll give you copies of some of our case files so you can see how we work. And when we all gather together again in Las Vegas, we can get back to work. Fortunately, there are no must-do cases on deck right now, but that could change at any moment." |
| "And Porygon can give me advice on how to take care of Sugar..." Sapphire said "...I'm trying to train her not to mouth everything." |
| "And I have plans for later, at my sister's Establishment, with Felicity," said Sam. "I always did like female herbivores, there's something primal about being on top of one. But first, we have business to settle." "Oh, right, business," said Skeemo. "What business is that?" "Getting ourselves a nice fat bonus," said Sam. The wolf typed a few more keys, and soon, the group found themselves looking at a very handsome human man, whose eyes became bigger than the wine glass he was drinking out of. The man stopped drinking, set the glass down, and swallowed. "Must of been a good year," said Sam. "Most would have spat their drink out if they saw my face show up on their computer." "The wine was much too good for that," the man said. "What the hell do you want Samuel? I live in France, I haven't seen your sister in eighteen years, and, for the most part, I obey the law." "I still remember what you did to her, Richard," said Sam. "You still a member of the Billionaire's Club?" "I haven't been kicked out, and I still go to the meetings," said Richard. The man chuckled. "There was an interesting discussion the other week about robbing your former father-in-law and -" "You sold your grandchildren's future to settle your father's past debts." "Come again?" "Those people you and the other members of the club hired to deal with Mr. Smitty were going to drain the Sun of its energy, and leave us with an icy dust ball to die on." Richard's face paled. "I didn't know they were going to do that." "You still have influence in the Club?" Sam asked. "Yes." "Good. Tell the members that approved of the plan to rob Mr. Smitty to send five percent of their total revenue to the following account, otherwise the information will end up being placed in the Public Sector, and you know what that means." Richard groaned. "I understand. You were always one to settle for blackmail." "I call it being charitable," said Sam. "After all, you're alive, and there aren't any mobs waving pitchforks and torches outside your place." "I'll pass on the message." The screen went black. "You just blackmailed the Billionaire's Club?" Penelope asked. "Easier than trying to arrest them," said Sam. "That and the payout is a lot bigger. I see at least a billion dollars coming our way." "So, now what?" Penelope asked. Sam chuckled as he got up. "I'm going to my sister's Establishment, and enjoy some lambchops." The wolf then left the room. "That's how reliable Sam is," said Skeemo. "Always has his eye on a Honey Bunny, but waits until the business at hand is finished before starting on pleasure." |
| Sapphire meanwhile was eating Spaghetti with Meat Sauce with Sugar in an Italian Restaurant in Palm Desert |
| Sam looked at his phone, and read the message he got from Penelope. "I'm glad I got this before we became involved," he said, as he looked at his favorite Honey Bunny, Susan, at the Bread and Butter Saloon. "Mind if I take this?" Susan chuckled, as the human woman got into a seductive pose. "I don't mind. Take your time." The woman then gave him a kiss. "Of course, I would prefer it if you could keep it quick, or else I'll get board, and that's no fun." Sam chuckled, as he kissed the human back. "I'll see what I can do." The wolf then called Penelope up. "Hello?" the mouse asked, as she picked up on her end. "Penelope?" "Yes?" "It's Sam. Listen, books and tapes only go so far," said Sam. "What you need is Hands-on-Training." "What do you mean?" "There's a man that lives in Boston, Richard Johnson - he and his son are Recovery Agents," said Sam. "Recovery Agents?" "They work for a Bail Bondsman - basically, you get arrested for a crime, but you don't have the money to pay bail, Bondsman will foot the cost to the court, which you'll later pay, plus interest. If you make your court date, no problems - they get their money back, plus interest. However, miss your date, a Recovery Agent will come after you, and they get ten percent of whatever your bail was." "So, they make less money than we do?" "Yes, but, for the most part, it's because they go after more common criminals, ones that don't make the National Headlines," said Sam. "I used to work with Richard, back when I was a police officer, when we were after the same person especially, and for a while after I gave up my badge - kept me out of trouble, and from ending up on the wrong side of the law after I lost my wife. They aren't as strict as a police force, but they'll teach you want you need to know, like knowing how to use a firearm, and how to fight - they got some good agents who will help you out with that - ex-military, ex-police, even some reformed criminals - they'll bring you up to snuff on what's needed." "So, basically, you're turning me over to an old friend of yours, to have them teach me what I need to know?" asked Penelope. "Exactly." "Alright, thanks." Penelope hung up. Sam closed his phone, and looked at Susan. "Now, where were we?" Susan chuckled. "I think we were going to start with some foreplay." Sam grinned. "Nothing like foreplay to start things off right." |
| Penelope tapped a pencil against her forehead, trying to decide whether to call Richard Johnson or not. After all, they were all supposed to be on vacation, weren't they? Was it fair she should have to work while they all played? "I need a cup of tea," she thought. "This is a difficult decision." Skeemo didn't have to wait long to get a reply from Johnny B. Goode. Meet me at the Hopping Frog Bar tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. Skeemo agreed and settled back into his recliner. Best to not get too excited. Johnny B. Goode was probably just a scam artist looking for money. |
| Sapphire meanwhile was tucking Sugar into bed at their hotel she looked at the shining stars in the desert sky...On the ground below there was a tall thin figure wandering by the cacti then it vanished |
| Meanwhile, Sam was enjoying his time with Susan. There was nothing like a good Honey Bunny when it came to relieving oneself of stress. "So, anything interesting happen since our last visit?" Susan asked. "Well, I help my former father-in-law catch some thieves who were stealing from him," said Sam. "What were these thieves doing?" Susan asked. "Hacking into his bank account and taking his money." "Did they take everything?" "Too smart for that," said Sam. "They took amounts that one normally wouldn't notice, except for the fact that my former father-in-law always checks the books, and his account, and he didn't recognized the withdrawals, or authorize them. Well, he called me, and my friends, and we managed to stop the thieves, and get his money back." "That's good," said Susan. "Mind telling me what he does with his money?" "Susan, you ever think about being a detective or a psychiatrist?" "Didn't have the money for the one, or the patience for the other," said Susan. "Too bad," said Sam. "I think you'd be good at either of them. You know how to keep a man calm, and you know how to get information out of them." Susan smiled. "Easy to do when you're this beautiful, and this good." Sam chuckled. "Well, if you, or your friends, hear, or see, anything interesting, give me and my friends a call." |
| Johnny B. Goode was a rat humanimal like Skeemo. "Your parents are in North Korea," he said. Skeemo's eyes popped. "What?! I'm Korean? I don't look Asian. I always thought I was Italian." Johnny B. Goode made a backhanded wave. "Grow up. Humanimals don't have the same racial characteristics as humans. Interestingly enough, your father was Italian. Only your mother was Korean." "Are they... are they still alive?" "No, but they were until just a year ago. I'm sorry." Skeemo let out a long sigh. "All those years of searching, to come so close, and then to just miss them by a year. I want to visit their graves." "It's North Korea, so that visit is not really possible. Anyway, considering they were executed by the state, they will be in unmarked graves." "Executed! Why?" "Trumped up spying charges," Johnny said. "I brought you a photo if you want it." Skeemo took the photo. "Who is the third person?" "That's your nephew, Dak Ho. It means 'deep lake'." "My nephew! Is he dead too?" "Not yet," Johnny said, "but he soon will be, unless..." Skeemo looked hard at Johnny B. Goode. "That's what all this is about, isn't it? You want me to save Dak-Ho." "Everything I have told you is true. He really is your nephew. And he was my best friend. We were both attempting to escape. I made it out. He got caught." "But how did you find me?" Skeemo said. "Your parents always knew where you were sent, even though you knew nothing about them. I was able to find you from the orphanage records." |
| Sapphire was baffled, seeing the tall dark figure simply vanish before her eyes, but she simply dismissed it as a trick of the moonlight or by being so sleepy so she simply went to bed |
| An hour later, Sam was putting his pants back on. "Always a pleasure doing business with you," said Susan. "That's one pleasure I don't mind paying for," said Sam. He gave Susan a kiss. "Do you ever get jealous of the fact that I spend time with other men?" Susan asked. Sam gave a playful growl. "Only because you bring out the beast in me." Susan chuckled. "I'm glad that it's not a serious jealousy then. Some folks get the thought that, just because you've had sex with them a couple of times, that you belong to them. They can be really annoying to deal with." "Oh I might argue about it if I was married to you, but, then again, I'm not married, and it's not like your married anyways," said Sam. "That's one thing I try to avoid, fooling around with a married woman. Leads to nothing but trouble. After all, it's not like you're the only woman I see." Susan gave Sam a kiss. "Any of them as good as me?" "Some as as good, if not better," said Sam. "Others, I wouldn't do them a second time. For the most part though, I pick the lower ranking ones, and give them plenty of money to help them get on their feet." "Which ones are we talking about?" Susan asked. "The ones that never get picked," said Sam. "The scarred ones." "Sounds like you." |
| The more Skeemo sat and talked with Johnny B. Goode, the more determined he became to go to North Korea and rescue his nephew, Dak Ho. "Thanks to Mr Smitty, Felcanrod has lots of money now. If I can convince the others to take it on, I think we can do this." Skeemo sent an email to the vacationers. TO: Sam, Sapphire, Sally, Zzrt, Penelope SUBJECT: Help! Guys, I have discovered I have a nephew in North Korea whose life is in danger. I would greatly appreciate your help in getting him out. I realize it's not a bounty job and we will not make any money, but we are rich now thanks to Sam and Mr. Smitty! What do you say? Can you help me? Reply immediately and all who are in, let's meet at the office tomorrow morning. SIGNED: Skeemo The next day Skeemo was at the office bright and early, but Zzrt was already there. "Zzrt! You got here quick!" "To tell the truth I was very bored. This sounds like fun. And we can try out my new translator gadgets." "Translator gadget?" "Yes, you speak English into it and Korean comes out." Skeemo rubbed his hands together. "Zzrt, you are a genius!" |
| Sapphire groaned when she read the letter, but felt obliged to help so she packed up her things and left Palm Desert |
| Sam soon entered the office. "What's this about you having a nephew on Death Row in North Korea?" "That's basically it," said Skeemo. "I found out that I have family in North Korea, and it turns out that they aren't very popular with the government there." "What you you have?" asked Sam. Skeemo gave the wolf the information he had. "This is where being friends with a Multi-Billionaire, who has connections with a number of people, comes in handy," said Sam. "Mr. Smitty knows a number of these Peoples' Rights groups - they can raise a big old stink about North Korea, and see if we can get your nephew out the legal way." "And if we can't get him out the legal way?" "Then we take up Mr. Smitty's offer about those fifty expert mercenaries, and we get him out ourselves." "You'd invade North Korea, just to help me rescue a nephew, whom I've never even heard of until now, for my sake?" "I've had dealings with the Korean Mafia, or their version of it," said Sam. "They're big on blood ties. If their government is anything similar, once they hear that an uncle of one of their prisoners has raised a private army to rescue their relative, they'll be less inclined to execute him, in fear of reprisals." "Are you sure it will work?" Skeemo asked. "Depends on the situation," said Sam. "They might kill him anyways, and you'll have to pick between standing around, doing nothing, or going in, and taking out the entire North Korean leadership, a task that no one wants to take on - not the USA, not Russia, not South Korea, not even China." |
| "We can't get Dak Ho out by raising a stink," Skeemo said. "He's a citizen of North Korea. If they want to execute him, then they can. We have to go in and get him, preferably right away." Penelope raised her hand. "I know I am new and inexperienced, but why must we be so obvious when we get him? Why don't we do an operation like the Navy Seals do? You know? Very quick and stealthy with a small team. A surgical operation." Zzrt patted Penelope's shoulder. "Good thinking." "Yes," Skeemo said. "Quick and quiet with a couple of helicopters late at night. Sam, what about if we launched the operation from one of the American military bases in South Korea? Can we get helicopters?" Sapphire and Sally had been whispering about something. |
| "Zzrt." Sapphire said "Can you build another teleportation device? We can just teleport in grab the rat and be back without them even knowing?" |
| "It's not that easy," said Zzrt. "We need certain items that can only be found at-" "Try the jet," said Sam. "Has everything you need, including the kitchen sink." "Oh yes," said Zzrt. "I really need one of those for my apartment. The Hot and Cold water things don't work on mine for some reason." |
| "But it takes more than a sink," Zzrt said. "I thought I explained to this to you guys before. To teleport somewhere you need a teleporter at BOTH ends. It's like cellphones. Just because I have a phone doesn't mean I can call you. You have to have a phone, too, so you can take the call." "I knew that," Skeemo said. "But that does suggest a variation on my idea. Instead of using a helicopter to drop ourselves into North Korea, we can use it to drop a teleporter there, and then teleport." "Now you are thinking with full brain!" Sally said. "Good for you, Skeemo!" "Thank you, Sally." Arrangements were made. Zzrt stayed up all night constructing two teleporter terminals. One of them was flown to a military base in South Korea where a special stealth helicopter on a night mission would drop it in North Korea. Three days later, Skeemo and Zzrt were sitting in the office when the call came through. "Delivery accomplished. Device in place. Your mission can proceed." Skeemo clapped his hands together. "Finally! Zzrt! See if you can find Sam and Sapphire and Sally. I say we make some sandwiches and go now." |
| "I only recently immigrated to Earth a year ago." Penelope said "On Planet Punk we were kind of out of the loop on Earth News for a few years...What is with North Korea...And for the Humanimals...I can see how they can keep simple land animals like Rats inside...But surely all flying creatures and just fly up and away, and Ocean Creatures can just swim away." |
| "Let's just say that for the last six decades or so, the country has been ruled by a bunch of nuts," said Sam. "Relics from the Cold War, only said relics are crazier than the former big wigs of Russia and China - harder than the hard-liners.The people there have no freedoms - no internet, no television, no telephones, no cars, can't practice religion, can't say what they want, can't travel to other countries, or anything. I'm surprised they're allowed to breathe." "It's that bad?" Penelope asked. "Here, I can insult the President, tell everyone in the phonebook that the guy is a jerk, post it all over social media, and I'd be fine," said Sam. "Over there, you say that the guy's hair style is stupid, and he'll shoot you, your spouse, your kids, your dog, your cat, and your goldfish, along with the neighbor, their spouse, their kids, their dog, their cat, and their goldfish." |
| Skeemo put his hand on Penelope's shoulder and looked her in the eye. "My nephew is a land animal. he can neither swim away nor fly away." "How are you sure it really is your nephew?" Sally said. "Did not you say you had mistrust for this Johnny B. Goode character? What if he is scamming you?" "I just feel it in my bones that it's true. Penelope, does your psychic sense tell you anything about this? Penelope? Now where did she go?" "I've got the sandwiches," Sapphire said. "Are we ready to teleport?" Skeemo looked at Sam, "Do we have all the tactical equipment we need?" |
| "Also." Sam said "I wouldn't be surprised if in N.K. they pinioned or otherwise ruined the wings of the flying creatures, and surgically removed the fins and flippers of the swimming creatures." |
| "Um, tactical equipment?" Skeemo asked. "Oh, that," said Sam. "You are talking about invading a prison for political dissidents. The place will probably have more security than Fort Knox, with guards who have 'Shoot to Kill' orders. We're good, but not that good." "What makes you think that we can't pull it off?" Sapphire asked. "The last time I was put into a situation where I killed a bunch of people, I was at a point where I didn't care if I lived or died," said Sam. "In my mind, I was already dead, but my body didn't know it. Now though, I have a reason, or two, to live. Also, while we can deal with hired thugs and weekend warrior types, we will be dealing with professional killers, who'd kill their own mothers if they were told to do so." "So, what do you recommend?" ZZrt asked. "I suggest we get a hold of Mr. Smitty, and tell him we're interested in checking out his list of perspective mercenaries, and he's to start hiring them for us." "You mean you want us to hire fifty mercenaries, just to rescue my nephew?" Skeemo asked. "Mr. Smitty did the research on that, and he picked the best ones for any job," said Sam. "Mr. Smitty only picks the best when it comes to hiring people, especially if it's serious." "In that case, let's videophone him, and check out his list," said Sapphire. Sam nodded. "Alright. Let's get to work." One videophone call later, the group was looking at Mr. Smitty. "Sam, what a pleasant surprise," the old man said. "You know, we never did talk about those mercenaries I mentioned to you last time." "Mr. Smitty-" "Jason, I've told you that on more than one occasion." "Yes, well I need to talk to you about those mercenaries," said Sam. "How good are they?" Mr. Smitty chuckled. "I'll share the files with you. As you know, I only pick the best, and believe me, these guys are the best." "Just got something," said Skeemo. The group took a look at the files, and looked at each other. Sam then looked at Mr. Smitty. "How good are they at working together?" "Most of them have past experience of working with each other," said Mr. Smitty. "I put that into consideration when I selected them. They also know of each other, and each others' methods, and they are very flexible when it comes to tactics and plans." "How soon can you get them to a certain location, say, right here?" Sam asked. "Three hours for some," said Mr. Smitty. "Twenty-four hours for the last ones - paperwork and such to get them released from prison." "Give us a moment," said Sam. The wolf turned to Skeemo. "This is your call - do you want these fifty men and women to help us save your nephew, or do you want just us to do the job?" |
| Skeemo shook his head. "Sam, I'm not going to be responsible for the possible deaths of fifty people! Not to mention all the Koreans they might kill." Sam frowned. "But you don't mind being responsible for OUR deaths?" "I don't want ANYONE to die! Let's try to look at this as a smart job, not a brute force job. We're not going to plow our way in and grab my nephew. We're going to outsmart the North Koreans and trick them into letting him go." "I just don't see how that's possible," Sam said. "Here's how it's possible... 1. We are sneaking in using the teleporter. They won't know we've arrived. 2. We will sound like Koreans thanks to Zzrt's translator gadget. 3. Sally can locate exactly where Dak Ho is held and pin point the locations of guards and defenses. 4. Penelope has the ability to appear invisible. We can make good use of that. 5. Thanks to the teleporter, we can be in and out very quickly. All we have to do is fool a few North Koreans for a few minutes and we're done." Sam chuckled. "You make it sound so easy. Alright, let's do it. But we have to do it fast and safe." Skeemo nodded. "I suggest we send Sally and Penelope ahead first. They can scope out the situation with their combined abilities." Sapphire protested. "We can't let those two go in by themselves!" "What's your suggestion?" Skeemo said. |
| "I was thinking we need a new kind of teleporter." Sapphire said "Remember Digger, he had a teleporter button he wore on his person, he didn't need teleporter pods, he could teleport himself anywhere on the planet he wanted to go, just by pressing the button on his chest and thinking about the destination he wanted to be...That was what I was thinking with the teleporter idea." |
| "Sounds possible," said Sam. "A simple 'Snatch and Grab' would work. Just one problem - the other political dissidents." "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked. "They would be killed for your nephew's escape," said Sam. "We need to get all of them, and their families." "Their families?" "Keeps them from being killed in retaliation." "Are you making this complicated on purpose?" Skeemo asked. "Nope, being realistic." |
| "That's not realistic," Skeemo said. "Using that kind of logic you could never rescue anybody because you would be afraid somebody else would get blamed for it. Even if they do kill other dissidents, those dissidents were already doomed. That was what was going to happen whether we took anybody out or not. So no, it doesn't bother me. Let's get my nephew and the rest are on their own." "OK," Sam said. "It's your conscience." "Stop trying to make me feel guilty! And Sapphire, that device Digger had was super cool. Too bad we destroyed it when we destroyed him. What about it, Zzrt? When you blew up Digger, did you save his teleporter?" Zzrt hung his head. "No. I am sorry. Now I see I should have done so." "But can't you duplicate it?" Sapphire asked. "I don't know how it worked! Maybe someday I can duplicate it, but not right away. It will require experimentation and testing and much thought." "That's it guys. Our own teleporter is in place in a drain pipe in the prison. And I see Penelope is back. Since we are all here, let's do it! Huh? Can I get a big Let's Do It? Geez, you guys don't seem very enthusiastic." "I think it's because we all have the feeling we are going to die," Zzrt said. "Except me, of course, because I have to stay here and work the teleporter." "You'll be in constant communication with us, right, Zzrt?" "That's right," Zzrt said. "I will hear everything." "Skeemo," Penelope said. "I don't have the feeling we're all going to die, and I'm the psychic in the group." "Thanks, Penelope. Everybody ready? Teleport us, Zzrt." Skeemo, Sapphire, Sam, Sally, and Penelope found themselves standing in a concrete tunnel. There was a trickle of water running through it and barely enough light to see by. "Welcome to North Korea," Skeemo said. |
| Penelope got out something that looked like a golden cell phone. "What are you doing?" Sam asked "This may look like a cell phone." Penelope said "But it's actually a wish ticket...For the Ascended Ones." "The who?!" Skeemo asked "Look." Said Penelope "Before the Advent of the Humanimals, when an Animal, not just Earth Animals, displayed unusual, Valor, Compassion or Integrity, the powers that be, decided such an Animal would not die of old age or be eaten by something...But they gave that Animal Anthropomorphism and Immortality on Planet Ishtari, basically Animal Angels." She pressed the only button on the phone, On Planet Ishtari, Beulah a Dung Beetle Angel was filing away a report when she answered the phone. "Ascended One Services, this is Beulah speaking how may I help you?" "This is Penelope Von Schwartz, I'm calling to cash in on my one heavenly miracle...She then explained the situation." Beulah clutched her temples "Some how I knew the situation in N.K. would only be solved by divine intervention...Hang on, you need a Battle Angel, I'm just a Healing Angel." The rest of Felcanrod was getting antsy "How long is this going to take?!" Sam asked "Nothing can hurt us while we make the call that is guaranteed." Said Penelope, as the hold music played Beulah handed the phone to the nearest Battle Angel she could find, Deep Blue the Great White Shark Angel. "This is Deep Blue, Shark of the Seven Seas how may I help?" Asked the Suave Gentleman Shark Penelope handed Sam the phone "Here John Wayne Jesus Wolf, you insist on saving every soul in North Korea, tell the Angel exactly what you want." |
| "Do you know about Earth's History?" Sam asked. "Hard not to know of it," said Deep Blue. "You know about North Korea?" "I'm familiar with the situation about it, and it's current leaders." "We need to create a situation where North Korea's leaders are unable to communicate with their forces, and allow NATO and their allies to invade, and overthrow North Korea's current leadership, and install a more moderate leadership." "Do you with for North Korea and South Korea to reunite?" "I'll leave that one up for debate," said Sam. "Granting the people their freedom from a tyrant is more important, especially the one we've come here to rescue." |
| Skeemo was doing a face palm. "Sam, how do you manage to turn even the smallest mission into a global conflict? I just want to get my nephew out and go home." Sam said, "Never have so few done so much for so many as we will have done here today." Skeemo sighed. "You're just too crazy to know you're crazy. Oh well... Sally, do you think you could fly around the prison and find my nephew?" "I'll try," Sally said. The tiny little flea went zipping soundlessly down the tunnel into the main part of the prison. |
| "How can she fly?" Sapphire asked "I know Fleas can jump I'm pretty sure she can't actually fly." "She has a tiny jet pack."Said Skeemo |
| "There's just one thing I want to know," said Skeemo. "Sam, how do you think that a situation will occur to prevent the Korean Leader from being able to communicate with his troops?" "Easy, a massive blackout," said Sam. "I've done that before." "How?" Sapphire asked. "By turning on an air conditioner." The others looked at him in disbelief. "Okay, fifty thousand others had also turned on the A.C. at the same time," said Sam. "I just like to think that mine was the one that overloaded the system. Still, the idea is viable - their electrical system is fifty years overdo for repairs. Cause a massive power surge and zap - North Korea is in the dark. NATO gets informed, and they start the overdue march across the 38th Parallel at the Demilitarized Zone." Sapphire looked at Skeemo. "He has a point there." "Okay," said Skeemo. "Let's get back to rescuing my nephew." "In that case, here are our weapons." Sam put down a case. "The latest in military weapons for conflict." He opened it, and pulled the object out. It looked like a handgun, something resembling a Glock 17. "Useful for self-defense when you can't get to something better." "That's a sidearm," said Skeemo. "You expect us to assault the place with a pistol?" Sam grinned, and pulled out some parts. A few seconds later, he was holding onto a submachine gun, like an Heckler & Koch MP5 type of thing. "This mode, perfect for clearing rooms." He pulled out a few more parts, did some changes, and soon the group was looking at something resembling a combination of an AK and an M4. "In case you're fighting at a little further distance, and when they are wearing body armor." He then modified it again, and soon, they were looking at a sniper rifle. "This is for saying 'Hello and Good Bye' at the same time." A few more part changes, and there were looking at a heavy machine gun. "And this is for the other occasions." "And, all of the parts are in that case?" Skeemo ask. "I got four of them," said Sam. "Fifteen pounds for the whole thing, and that's including the five pounds of C4 that's lining the case." "How does that work?" Sapphire asked. "Press the red button, and you set off a five minute timer, with no way to deactivate it," said Sam. "Use it only if there's a danger the weapon might be taken captive. Destroys the parts, and anything withing fifty feet of the case." "You've thought of everything," said Skeemo. "Including the contingency plan," said Sam. "And what's that?" Sapphire asked. Sam chuckled. "Mr. Smitty. If I know him, if we don't get this done within twenty-four hours, he'll hire those mercenaries, and have them come and rescue his heir, and his heir's friends. He's that kind of guy." "But I don't want to be responsible for fifty mercenaries," said Skeemo. "When your house is on fire, and you're trapped inside, are you going to stay if the Devil is the one who comes to save your tail?" Sam asked. "When you put it that way, no." |
| Sally returned. "Your nephew is in cell number 323. Follow this tunnel. Take your first right, your second left, go up the stairs to floor number three, down the right hallway past two cells and the third one is his." Oh, good. Penelope, did you memorize those directions?" "Yes, Skeemo." "Get in your invisible mode and go tell Dak Ho we are coming to take him to freedom. Make note of where the guards are." "What if find a door that is locked?" "Sam, don't we have some of those fancy, high-tech, lock picker gadgets with us?" |
| Just then there was the sound of Thunder Booming "Sounds like Deep Blue has arrived." Said Penelope |
| "Alright," said Sam. "Let's hope he can cut off communication between the Korean leader and his underlings. They depend on him for everything - they won't do a thing without his approval, unless they want to end up in a cell." |
| Penelope returned. "I talked to Dak Ho. He is very excited and ready to escape." "What about guards?" Skeemo said. "Not many. One in each hallway. It is about 3am in the morning here." "I know. A good time. Well, Sam? Has Deep Blue done it? Can we move ahead to the next step? Got plenty of knock out gas for the guards?" |
| Looking out a nearby window...Sam saw Deep Blue who now appeared to be the size of a 7/47 as he floated in the sky, was holding the leader in his arms |
| "I don't know what he's doing," said Sam. "But, at the very least, the North Koreans have bigger problems than our little jailbreak. Let's move, quietly." |
| They made their way to Dak Ho's cell without incident. Sam and Skeemo took the lead. Sapphire and Penelope hung back a little to provide backup and cover. Sally roved freely trying to spot any problems before they became problems. Unfortunately, as soon as they got Dak Ho out of his cell, an alarm went off. "What the hell!?" Skeemo said. Sam clenched his fist. "I should have thought of that! Proximity alarm! As long as the cell is occupied, no problem. Remove the body from the cell and the alarm goes off. Keep running!" They made it as far as the stairway before shots were fired and bullets whizzed past their heads. Sam whirled around and dropped that guard with two quick shots from his own gun, but they could hear the running footsteps of more guards coming down the hallway. Lots of them. |
| "What are we going to do?" Penelope asked. "A tactical withdrawal," said Sam. "Each person has a gun. They point it at the enemy. One person fires, keeps the enemy back. Once their weapon is empty, withdraw to the next corridor, and start reloading. Next person starts firing, and when empty, they withdraw and reload. This is followed by person number three, and then four. By that time, Person number one should be reloaded, and ready to cover person four." "But, what if we're not that good with a gun?" Penelope asked. "Just keep shooting," said Skeemo. "They'll duck out of the way just the same, because they don't want to take the chance you are bluffing." Sam pulled out his backup pistol, and looked at Dak Ho. "Dangsin-eun gwonchong-gwa joh-eun issseubnikka? (Are you any good with a pistol?)" Dak Ho took it, and checked it out. "Ye. Chong-gi wa gunsa hunlyeon eun pilsu-ibnida. Geugeos-eun beob ida. (Yes. Military training with firearms is mandatory. It's the law.)" "Dangsin-eun yeong-eoleul ihae hasibnikka?" asked Sam. Dak Ho chuckled. "Yes, I understand English." Sam grinned. "Good to know. I hate having to repeat myself in any language. Alright, you're Number 5 in order of shooting. I'm Number 1. Skeemo, Number 2. Sapphire, Number 3. Penelope, Number 4." He then gave some clips to Dak Ho. "All we have to do is keep their heads down, and keep them from moving. I don't want any heroes here. No quick - draw tricks, no duels, just point and shoot. We aren't winning any prizes here." |
| When Sam's gun was empty Skeemo replaced him on the firing line. "But what happens when we run out of ammo?" "Don't worry," Sam said as he reloaded his weapon. "I'm going to rig up a little explosive excitement. We'll make a break for it while the corridor collapses behind us. That out to slow them down." "It's not that far to our teleporter." "I know," Sam said. "In fact... Penelope! Can you go invisible and bring the teleporter to us?" "How heavy is it?" "Pretty heavy." "Well, I can at least go try." |
| "So, just how much ammo do we have?" Skeemo asked. "Ten clips of thirty, each," said Sam. "I hope it works," said Sapphire. |
| Penelope returned. "I can't budge it. It's very heavy." Skeemo ducked as a bullet whizzed by his head, then he looked at Sam. "Are you ready to blow something up so we can move closer to the teleporter.?" |
| "That will do nicely," said Sam. "Don't even need to trigger the self-destruct on the gun cases. Let's just walk on to the teleporter, before the other explosives go off." |
| "Walk?!" Skeemo said. "WALK?! No thank you, I'm running!" Somehow they all managed to get to the teleporter and return to Las Vegas, thanks to Zzrt being alert. "I heard everything!" Zzrt said. "Congratulations on a successful mission! And I am glad to meet you, Skeemo's nephew!" Dak Ho looked at the smiling faces of Felcanrod. "Guys, I have a confession to make. I'm not really Skeemo's nephew." Everybody looked at Skeemo who just held his hands palms up, lifted his shoulders, and sheepishly grinned. "Oops!" "But I am very grateful you got me out of there," said Dak Ho. "When my friend Johnny B. Goode told me there is a group called Felcanrod in America who can do anything, I did not believe him. But you guys are fantastic!" "Aw, shucks!" Sally said. "We're just doing our jobs." "Why were you in prison?" Sam asked. "I am a computer hacker. I hacked into the North Korean government computers. They did not like that at all!" Skeemo scratched his chin. "A hacker, eh? How would you like some part time work with Felcanrod?" "Oh yes?" "Yes. Sometimes we have need of a hacker. I'll tell you what. We'll pay you a small monthly fee just to stay on call. It will be enough you can rent an apartment and buy some food, so your new life in America will not be one of poverty." Dak Ho fell to his knees. He had tears in his eyes. "Oh thank you! Thank you! This is turning out more wonderful than I ever dreamed!" "Well, that's part of our job," Skeemo said, "making dreams come true." Sapphire rolled her eyes. |
Episode Five: Pouty Prissy ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** While revealing the existence of Angels to the Earth's Government kind of broke most of the world's brain for the next few days, seeing a Giant Angelic Shark in the sky totally paralyzed North Korea, bringing it to it's knees. The World was going to need a few days to recover. Sapphire and Sam were walking around the Casinos at night, when a human woman with enormous lips appeared right in front of them. "Aha!" She said "Thought I'd find you here!" "Who are you?" Sam asked "My name is not important but you can call me Pouty Prissy." Said the Woman Sam looked at the woman's monstrously oversized lips, and could only think she went overboard with the lip plumpers. "I have been sent by the Femizons to find the Greatest Male Hero in the world." Pouty Prissy said "Flattery will get you no where." Sam said but without warning Prissy planted an enormous kiss on his chest, leaving a lipstick mark the size of a car tire. "Now I have just afflicted you with my magic!" Said Prissy, "With that Kiss, now you stink with a chemical that makes women pass out...Now woman will be able to come near you again!" Sam looked and saw that Sapphire was already in the floor with a dead look in her eyes but still breathing, every Female in the casino was dropping like flies "What the fuck...." Sam started to say, but before his eyes, Prissy was vaporizing, disappearing before he could do anything to her. In an instant she was gone. "Got struck by Prissy?" Came a Female Voice In walked a Humanimal Sam had never seen before a Blue Whale Anthro, she was three times taller then he was http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1447782/ "My name is Nanihi,' said the Whale Woman. "I've been hunting Prissy for Months now, and helping her victims because Whales have absolutely no sense of smell." |
| "Well, I hope this thing can come off in the shower, because I can't go around causing women to pass out in my presence," said Sam. "I mean, having them fawn over me is one thing, most men would like that, but having them faint could pose a safety issue if a bus driver was to pass out, and kill a bunch of kids, to say nothing about airplane pilots, and other such people. That and it would ruin both my social life and my business." "You must be a Great Hero to attract her," said Nanihi. "Hey, I've been called a hero before, but it was in the line of duty," said Sam. "And what you do now?" "I need to put food on the table, and being a mercenary to the right side is good for ones' morals," said Sam. "I mean, as far as I know, I've always worked for the right side, that of the people. I mean, there are some things that weren't exactly legal, but they were the right things to do." |
| "Will you help me hunt down Pouty Prissy?" asked Nanihi. "Of course," Sam said. "My future depends on it. We will ALL help you hunt her down. Right, guys?" There was only a small amount of grumbling before everyone said, "Sure! Right on! We'll do it!" or the equivalent. "So how do we find Miss Prissy?" asked Skeemo. "Find the Femizons," said Nanihi. "When you find them yopu'll find her." "Okayyyy, then how do we find the Femizons?" "I thought you guys were in the business of finding things? If I knew where Pouty Prissy was I could get her myself." "Guys!" said Sally. "I got a Google hit. It says: At least two different forms of Femizonia are known to exist..." "That's a start." |
| "Hey how come you're not fainted like Sapphire and Penelope?" Asked Sam "Um...I think you smell really good right now." Said Sally "Oh great!" Said Sam "My new smell is only attractive to Female Fleas." He looked at Nanihi and realized of the many species he has slept with, he had never slept with a Whale Woman before |
| "Sam, behave yourself," he muttered to himself. "Business first, then pleasure." He glanced at the whale; sure, she was big, but big was nothing new to him, though it had been a while since he'd slept with someone bigger than an elephant, or a giraffe. Then again, she was still a female, especially in the important places, if his biology classes were correct. But first, to locate Pouty Prissy. |
| "An island in the Pacific Ocean," Sally said. "What?" Skeemo said. "Femizonia. It's an island in the Pacific Ocean. You wanted to know where the Femizons lived, didn't you?" "Yes, but how did you find it so quickly?" "Google." "That darn Google!" Skeemo said. "They are taking work away from us. I foresee the day when bounty hunters will be obsolete. In the future you will be able to Google for anybody or anything." |
| "Google can't kill people though." Said Sam "Which is what I plan to do to Pouty Prissy." "I'm a Whale so I can just swim over there." Nanihi said "However you'll need some means of transportation." |
| "We got a jet," said Sam. "And, thankfully for us, the pilot is male." "So, are you going to kill Pouty Prissy?" Nanihi asked. "Depends," said Sam. "Might make her wish I had." |
| The Femizonia airport was small and Felcanrod's jet almost skidded off the runway. On his way out of the plane, Sam patted the pilot's shoulder and said, "Nice flying!" The pilot, who was an old friend of Sam's from their mercenary days, wiped the sweat off his brow and said, "If a tire had blown, we'd be in the Pacific now." The only transportation from the airport to the main town was an old schoolbus. The driver was a stork who looked even older than the bus. "You fellows need a lift into town?" |
| "Wait." Sam said "Are you male or female?" "I used to be male." Said the Stork "But the Femizons made me Female." |
| "It ain't so bad, Sam," said the stork. " At least I just deliver babies. I don't have to actually have one myself." |
| "Why is everyone being so calm?" Nanihi asked "The mere presence of Males on this Island should be sparking blood lust unless...This is the Wrong Femizonia...Pouty Prissy isn't here...We need to find the Man-Hating Femizonia." "What is with the man hating anyway?" Skeemo asked "The Femizons we're looking for are extreme radical feminists who seek to destroy all males in the entire multiverse." Said Nanihi |
| "Don't they know that you need a man and a woman to make babies?" Sam asked. "I mean, that cloning and gene splicing stuff isn't always reliable." |
| "Are you guys looking for the Femizons?" asked the stork. "Yes!" said everyone together. "They ain't here." "But isn't this Femizonia, their homeland?" asked Skeemo. The stork shrugged and spat a wad of chewing tobacco onto the ground. "Oh, they used to be here, alright, but they left. About three weeks ago." "Well, where did they go?" |
| "I don't know." Said the Stork "They claimed they were going to a whole new world...I guess this means they're going to another planet." "Or another universe." Said Sam |
| "We need to locate them," said Sam. "We need to find someone called Pouty Prissy." |
| "Ah yes!" said the stork. "Miss Pouty Prissy! I remember her well. She didn't like me at all, mind you, because I used to be a male. I never was really accepted here and that's why I got left behind, I guess. But I don't give it no never mind. I like having the place to myself." "You are the only one that lives here?" asked Skeemo. "That must be lonely for you." "Oh no, I ain't the only one. There's more of us outcasts here. We get by. I ain't lonely. Say, you fellows wouldn't have any liquor on you, would you?" "No. But what's the name of the planet they went to?" "Darned if I know. You're welcome to check the empty rooms they left behind and see if you can find out anything." |
| Nanihi said "In order to find exactly where they went we're going to have to use magic, unfortunatly I don't know where we can find a Mage around here." "I think Penelope is a Mage." Said Skeemo "Penelope is a psychic, she's not a Mage." Sam said "And like Sapphire she can't wake up, due to my scent." The Stork said "I know a Mage, a Male One, he lives not far from here on the Island Kelibimbor, his name is Campion and he's a Gorilla." Campion ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... |
| "I hate magic," Sam muttered. "Got into enough magic trouble with that flying pig, and her cooking, and her getting kids sick, including my one friend's son." |
| "I don't suppose Kelbimbor has an airport?" asked Skeemo. "The stork laughed. "An airport! Haha! They don't even have no cars or trucks. But you can walk around the whole island in a day." "How do we get there?" "The mail boat visits all these islands twice a week. You could hitch a ride on that. It stops here before it goes on to Kelbimbor." Skeemo looked up at the sun. It was past noon. "When will it stop here again?" "You're in luck, mister. Should be here this afternoon. And you know if you are on Kelbimbor after dark, that's when all the mages are out practicing their magic." "There's more than one mage there?" The stork snorted. "There's a whole colony of them! Of course, some of them are students and apprentices, but there's a lot of full blown mages there too. Sometimes that island is lit up like a fireworks show!" Skeemo turned to Sam. "Since you don't like magic, you can stay here with the plane if you want, but I would sure feel better if you came along with us to Kelbimbor. And Penelope, maybe you better stay here with the plane. I don't know what effect a psychic would have on mages. Might be a lot of friction there."" |
| "You know..." Nanihi said "...If this island is a short distance away you can all ride on me as I swim there." |
| "And like I'd want to miss out and not be there to catch that witch that gave me this curse," said Sam. "I can deal with magic if that's what it takes to catch her." |
| They strapped the sleeping girls to Nanihi's back and Sam and Skeemo clung on for the ride. As luck would have it, the sea splashing them washed off Sam's scent and the women woke up.' "What the hell?!" Sapphire said. "Am I strapped to the back of a whale?" "It's the latest travel fad," Skeemo said. |
| They reached the Island and immediately entered the first cave "This way to Campion." Said the Stork The Gorilla Mage was meditating, sitting cross legged and floating above a glowing Yin-Yang symbol |
| "What's going on?" Sapphire asked. "I don't know, but you and Penelope need to keep your distance from me," said Sam. "Why?" "I got a stinking curse that affects those of the opposite sex," said Sam. "Knocks them out." |
| "Why do you enter my sphere of awareness?" said Campion. Sapphire bowed. She wasn't sure what to do or what to call the mage. "We are seeking one called Pouty Prissy, Your Worship." "Do not address me as Your Worship!" "I-I-I don't know how to address you." |
| "Simply call me Campion." Said the Ape as he lowered himself to the ground the glowing symbol vanished "I have no need for fine titles, I have come to this island as many others have to seek enlightenment." Nanihi said "This Wolf-Man was cursed by Pouty Prissy the Femizon, and now the Femizons have left for another world, either another planet or even another universe, we need to locate them, their goal is to destroy every male in the multiverse." "I see why this is a pressing concern." Campion said "I will get to work on locator spell right away." "Isn't there away to do this without magic?" Sam asked "Perhaps." Campion said as he got out his runes "But the scientific method to find someone in another universe could take years or even centuries trying to scan every inch of every universe, to find one individual...With a Locator Spell it only takes an hour at most." "Sorry Campion." Sapphire said "Sam has taken a dislike to magic ever since one wayward spell caused a kid of his friend to become sick." "I see." Campion said as he started placing his runes, he looked at Sam, "You do know that's like hating all chefs and all cooking because one sushi chef made the Fugu wrong and poisoned a poisoned a loved one, or hating all construction workers and architecture because one falling pipe bashed in your loved one's cranium, Magic is a tool as diverse and as pivotal as cooking or architecture, to say you hate all Mages and Magic because of one bad incident makes you come across as having the maturity of a five year old...Flying is still the safest way to travel even after 9/11" |
| "Yeah, but let's say that you had a family member who died on one of those planes, or any other plane that suffered from a situation where people were killed, or seriously injured," said Sam. "Chances are good that you might mistrust them, in spite of all the various security procedures that have been developed over the years." Campion chuckled. "I see. It isn't magic itself you're afraid of, its the potential for abuse and misuse that could occur by those who use it for the wrong reasons." "That sounds about right," said Sam. |
| "I hope we can make you rest easy." Campion said. "One of the reasons we founded this island community was to promote the good, healthy, peaceful uses of magic. You will find no revenge spells being cast here. We make sure the young ones don't try to make each others toes fall off. Hopefully, a new generation of better, wiser mages will be the result of our efforts." Skeemo looked at the runes the gorilla mage was placing out. "Is that part of the locator spell?" |
| Campion moved the runes around until he was satisfied with their arrangement. He looked at the sky. While they had been talking the sun had gone down and now the moon was rising. "Ah!" said Campion. "Soon now. It's best if you all close your eyes. Sometimes there are flashes of light. I will tell you if you need to open your eyes. Does everyone understand?" They all nodded agreement and Campion began to chant: Aya waaaaa aya waaaa lumen holdem wani waaaa.... The first moonbeams from the rising moon struck the runes and they glowed softly with a light like fireflies. Only Sally saw this because she couldn't resist peeking at the procedure. She never liked to keep her eyes closed unless she was home in bed. |
| "Alright, you can open your eyes now," said Campion. "What does it mean?" asked Skeemo. "It means your Pouty Prissy has found the ultimate hiding place, a parallel universe." Skeemo thought about that. "But if she can go there, doesn't it mean we could too?" "Do you want to?" asked Campion. "I can take us there," said Nanihi. They all looked at her. "It's one of the reasons I was assigned to track down Pouty Prissy," she continued.. "I have the ability to travel to parallel dimensions." Sally's mouth was hanging open. "You are much more than just a whale, aren't you?" |
| So once again they all piled onto Nanihi. This time she encapsulated herself inside a bubble of air to protect them all from the hardships of space travel. "Hang on!" yelled Nanihi and with a mighty flip of her tale she propelled herself out of the water and into the atmosphere. The clouds rushed by, the sky grew darker and bluer, and then they were in the blackness of space, rushing along at an incredible speed. |
| They rushed to Femizonia t incredible speed "Hold on tight!" Said Nanihi "We're going to land! |
| Luckily, there was an ocean on Femizonia. With a terrific splash they crashed into it, almost shaking poor Zzrt loose. "Whoa!" he said. "I haven't had this many thrills from a ride since I rode the Triple Twister Belly Buster roller coaster at Six Flags Over Mars." |
| The Women of Femizonia have very good noses, and they could smell there were now males on their Island And they started running around like headless chickens screaming "MEN! MEN!" Their Leader who was called Queen Femizonia...a 20 foot tall bald woman, with blank white eyes with no pupils or irises stood up from her throne.Prepared to do battle, she knew this was going to happen and planned to make an example of Sam of what they planned to do to all men |
| "Something strange about this place," said Sam. "I hear thunder, but there's no clouds in the sky." |
| "Those are war drums," said Nanihi. "The Femizons are working themselves up into a killing rage." "The thrill is gone," Zzrt said. Nanihi made a circling gesture. "Be careful everyone and follow my lead. We must defeat Pouty Prissy. The Femizons will be no threat to us with Pouty Prissy gone." "By gone do you mean dead?" Sam asked. |
| "Yes." Said the Whale "Why didn't you just say so?" Asked Sam Just then from out of the side of mountain came a Giant Woman taller then Nanihi wielding a Giant Axe |
| "She reminds me of my wife on a bad hair day," said Sam. "I suggest we either run, or use a tranquilizer on her, a big one." |
| "Don't fear," said Nanihi. "She is blind. She has to attack by smell... uh... and she smells males. Sam, you Skeemo and Zzrt might want to be on guard." Queen Femizonia swung her axe at Sam. He jumped aside. "Hey! I already shaved today!" "Smell and sound, Sam," said Nanihi. "Shhhh!" |
| "Yes," Nanihi said, "You guys retreat, but I am going to finish her off." Skeemo and Sam and Sapphire and Zzrt and Sally retreated to what seemed like a safe distance. Nanihi got out one of her whale weapons, a giant blubber bag. She walloped Queen Femizonia with it and Skeemo said, "If you tossed an elephant off a skyscraper, that would be the sound he made when he hit the pavement." "Ew, Skeemo!" Sally said. "Please keep your vivid mental images to yourself!" "Sorry, Sally." |
| "No," said Nanihi. "I came here for Prissy Pouty. I must complete my mission before we leave." Skeemo nudged Sam in the ribs and whispered, "Do you realize if anything happens to Nanihi we have no way of getting back home?" "Yes I do," Sam said. "Uh... Nanihi, anything we can do to help?" |
| As the island fell apart around them the Femizons started running around in circles, with their Queen gone they had no minds of their own anymore |
| "I think you guys will be OK," said Nanihi. "I don't think these Femizons are capable of doing anything now without their queen. Wait here and I'll go kill Prissy Pouty." "I'm coming with you," Sam said. "You don't need to take that risk, Sam. Stay here." "You're forgetting that you are our only ride back home. I can cover your back, watch your flanks, and who knows, I might know a trick or two that will come in handy in a fight." Nanihi smiled. "Alright then. I guess it would be nerve-wracking to wait here and not know if you would be stranded here forever." Skeemo said, "Good luck, you two. I'm going to stay here and get my nerves wracked." |
| Sam grabbed a hold of Skeemo, and the rest. "Not if we need to get out in a hurry." |
| Pouty Prissy was running in tight circles somewhere near Queen Femizonia's throne of gold Nanihi stepped on her killing her instantly |
| Sam laughed. "And they told me I should watch my weight. There's some advantages to being big and heavy." Nanihi looked at the smashed mess that was once Prissy Pouty. "I think those lips went to her head. She was crazy, of course, but still..." |
| After returning home, Sam looked around the office. "We need some groceries," he said, as he looked into the fridge. "After all, we need stuff to eat, and clients need stuff to calm them down when they hire us over a stressful situation." "In that case, have fun," said Skeemo. "I'll come along," said Sapphire. "I'll pick up the things you forget to remember, like fruits and vegetables." Sam chuckled. "Useful." About twenty minutes later, Sam was walking down the meat section at the store when someone bumped into him. "Oops, sorry, my fault," the person said. "No harm done," said Sam. Then, the wolf paused, and started to turn his head, and he slid his hand towards his hip. "That voice." He was soon staring at the man next to him, a German Shepherd, who was busy trying to figure out which item to get. "The last time I saw you, I was on the Witness Stand, testifying how I apprehended you at a Mackies restaurant." The German Shepherd turned his head, and looked at Sam. "Damn, I heard what happened to you, but, damn. I thought it was an exaggeration." "You're supposed to be in prison," said Sam. "You escape?" "No, seven and a half years, for good behavior, followed by two hand a half years probation/parole," the dog said. "I'm all legit now." The dog looked at Sam's hand. "You going to arrest an innocent man, or are you just getting your hand out of your pocket?" Sam chuckled. "Alexander Chovski, so, aside from not robbing jewelry stores, what are you up to?" "Truth be told, I work for a bail bondsman, catching skips, at least part time," said Alexander. "Other part of the time, security consultant, teaching store owners how to protect themselves against theft and the like." "Found it easier to be working for the law than against it, I take?" Sam asked. "Something like it," said Alexander. At this, a teenage German Shepherd, came up to Alexander, and whispered something in his ear. Alexander turned to look at the young dog. "Tell your mother I'll be there in a moment." The young dog took off. "What was that about?" Sam asked. "The skip I'm looking for is working as the cashier, Register Six," said Alexander. "My wife's keeping an eye on him." Sam nodded. "Need any help?" "I could use a distraction, keep him in place," said Alexander. "Tend to use my wife for that, but this is a younger man, first time-offender, joyriding, might be afraid, or forgetful." Sam nodded. "I know the type. I'll take Register Five, and keep him from leaving his section. You got cuffs?" "Yeah, but I hope we don't need them." About ten minutes later, Alexander was holding onto the skip's wrist, while his wife talked to the skip's manager. "Thanks for the help," said Alexander. He then gave Sam a card. "Give me a call when you get home - I could use some more help. I have a big old stack of skips that needs to get cleared up." |
| Sapphire came back with a large amount of fruit and vegetables "Did I miss something?" Said the Cat |
| Sam pointed at the figures getting into an unmarked van in the parking lot. "Old 'friend' of mine." Sapphire mad a half smile. "You say 'friend' like he was someone you beat up." "You know I like everybody," Sam said. "What's in the bags? Nevermind, don't tell me. It probably has leaves and roots whatever it is." |
| "So, how do you know him?" Sapphire asked. "That was the first important criminal I ever arrested, back when I was a patrolman for the Boston Police Department," said Sam. "There was a rash of jewel heists, and nothing was found of the guy." "Nothing?" Sapphire asked. "The guy would cut the alarm, and mess with the camera in such a way, you couldn't see his face," said Sam. "And he'd wear a special outfit that prevented him from leaving shedding fur, and the like, and he's blind the guards before knocking them out." "Then, how did you catch him?" Sapphire asked. "Right place at the right time," said Sam. "Saw this guy leave a jewelry store, three hours after closing. I called out to him, just in case he was a new guy there, and he looked at me, ran to his car, and sped off. I gave chase. However, he was good, and I lost him." "So, how did you catch him?" Sapphire asked. "A couple of days later, I had the morning shift, and it was my lunch break," said Sam. "Pulled into a Mackies, and decided to eat inside. There was a kid's birthday going on, with every booth full, except for one near the back, which had a lone man, a German Shepherd. I got my lunch, and asked the gentleman if there was room for an officer of the law. He told me there was. So, we sat there, eating our lunch, when I looked out at my car, and saw the thief's car right next to it. I looked around the room again, and I asked the gentleman who's car it was. He told me it was his. I told him he had a big problem. He looked right at me, smiled, and said, 'Let's make this interesting. I like this place, and the last thing these kids need is to see someone getting dragged off to jail from a place like this. So, let's go outside, and have a race.'" "A race?" Sapphire asked. "That's right," said Sam. "If I got to the cars first, he was mine. If he got to his car, and got it started before I could drag him out, he'd get a thirty second head-start on the car race. Well, as it turns out, I was a fast runner, back then. I caught him, cuffed him, and put him in my car, and then took him to the station." "So, this was a clean arrest?" Sapphire asked. "No beating, no broken bones, no shooting?" "It was by the book," said Sam. "I didn't really start going Cowboy until after my wife died. Eventually, he was sentenced to eight - to - ten years, before the possibility of parole. Apparently, he served his time, and now, he's in a similar line of work as us." "What's he do?" Sapphire asked. "Bail bondsman Recovery Agent," said Sam. "If you miss your court date, he comes after you, and collects the equivalent of ten percent of your bail. Saves the police from having to assign an officer to chase you down, and saves the taxpayers money." "So, why the card?" Sapphire asked. "Says he has a lot of Skips that need to get tracked down," said Sam. "I guess this is a 'Professional Courtesy' thing." "What do you mean by that?" Sapphire asked. "Probably something like we do the work, and he gets the money," said Sam. "That's not fair," said Sapphire. "I like getting paid for my work." Sam smiled. "You're talking about complaining over small change," he said. "Nothing wrong with doing some pro bono work to help out those in need. Still, I'll talk to Alex about it, or his boss at any rate - he must need some help if he asked me to call him." "Probably doesn't want those idiots who think that Bounty Hunting is about wearing leather and carrying a bunch of guns all over their body," said Sapphire. "I know the feeling," said Sam. "Those types tend to be more trouble than they are worth." |
| When they got back to the office, Sam and Sapphire put their groceries in the fridge. Skeemo was there so Sam told him all about Alexander Chovski. "Wait a minute," Skeemo said. "Did you say do work for free?" "Yes I did," Sam said. "Are you forgetting we spent a bundle getting your 'nephew' out of North Korea. Not only did we make no money, but he wasn't even your nephew!" "OK, OK!" Skeemo said. "Point made. So we help Mr. Chovski. Chovski? Was his father a Russian? |
| "I never asked, because I figured it to be none of my business," said Sam. "Then again, maybe he liked it, and adopted it as his own. After all, some are named after locations, some are named after physical features, some are named after their profession, some after their parents, and others change their names to that of someone they admired." Skeemo sighed. "Still, we could make some money from this." "Chump change at best," said Sam. "Most of the time the bounty on these guys is under a thousand dollars, the average being around three hundred dollars, if that. Besides, that's taking food out of the mouths of his kids, and I don't like doing that stuff. Of course, if you really want some money, you could talk to Mr. Smitty, he mentioned something about needing another pool boy." Skeemo nodded. "I might take him up on that offer - the spa alone would be worth it." "So, we're talking about helping this guy out," said Sapphire. "Whom would we be after?" "Garden variety criminals," Sam said. "Thieves, wife beaters, husband beaters, assaulters, arsonists, drug pushers, drug dealers, prostitutes, manslaughterers, gangbangers, and other assorted criminals. At best, they make the local papers, second page stuff, or further back." "So, when is this guy going to get here?" Skeemo asked. The door knocked. "I think that's him," said Sam. He raised his voice slightly. "The door's unlocked." Alexander came in, followed by a boar in a suit. "So, this this the famous Samuel Blacktail," the boar said with a snort. "The name's Brian O'Greadly, owner of O'Greadly's Bail-Bondsman Association. Nice place you got here." The boar offered a hand, and Sam accepted it. "Nice to meet you," Sam said. "Please, sit down, and make yourself comfortable." "That's rather nice of you," said O'Greadly. "It's nice to see the competition has manners." "Need I remind you, you came here for help," said Sam. "Oh, yes, I did," said O'Greadly. "You see, I'm short-staffed - Alex and his wife, Jennifer, are about the only two bondsman, besides myself and my secretary, I have currently working - three are sick, two are in the hospital for injuries, one's pregnant, another's on vacation, and one was just killed in a drive-by that's currently under investigation by the police, and I'm going to lose a million dollars, because we're that far behind in our skips - we're talking twenty people here, at least. If you help me out, I'll cut you in for, fifty percent of the bounty - fifty thousand dollars." "And the rest?" Sapphire asked. "Why, to my employees of course," said O'Greadly. "O'Greadly's my name, not my nature." Even Skeemo had to chuckle at that. "Alright," said Sam. "Did you bring copies of the fugitives' files, and the required paperwork to make the apprehensions?" "I did," said O'Greadly. He got out a folder. "All I need are the signatures, and you'll be allowed to apprehend these people." "Got anyone right off the bat to get this started?" Sam asked. The boar nodded. "I sure do. Guy assaulted an off-duty cop, and destroyed the officer's personal car. Frequents the 'Bread and Butter Saloon'." Sam smiled. "I'll take care of that one for you. I'm a frequent visitor of the place myself." |
| "Hang on." Sapphire said "Just let me grab my Advil I got a headache from out last adventure." |
| The Bread and Butter Saloon was in full swing when the three Felcanrodders walked in. They left the associates back in the office to keep watch. "Too much noise!" Sapphire complained as she popped another Advil. Skeemo looked around. "Man, this place always rocks! Too bad I'm the quiet type, because if I wasn't, this is where I would be!" "I don't think that made any sense, Skee," Sam said. |
| The three of them sat at a table, and Sam got the file out. "So, what's the story?" Skeemo asked. "Martin Loppears, age 38, rabbit, was at the Slurpy Joe's Bar when he got into a fight with Lawrence Stripes, age 35, tiger. Lawrence claims that Martin had been drinking heavily, when the rabbit attacked him. Lawrence claims that he tried to retreat to his car, when Martin dragged him out, and proceeded to continue his assault. Lawrence sustained a broken nose, two black eyes, three missing teeth, a busted arm, and three fractured ribs, to say nothing about a concussion." "Wait, you're telling me that a rabbit took on, and beat, a tiger?" Skeemo asked. "What's the other side of the story?" Sapphire asked. "Martin admits that he caused Lawrence's injuries, and damage to the car, but claims that Lawrence had tried to come on to his wife, a fox, and that Lawrence wouldn't take no for an answer. Martin claims that Lawrence threw the first punch, and that he was fighting in self-defense. Martin also claimed that, when Lawrence left the place, he threatened his daughter with rape, and thus Martin felt a red rage come over him, and the need to protect his daughter. He suffered from several scratches, a black eye, a knocked out tooth, cuts on his right arm from when he punched the window, and three broken fingers on his right hand, from repeated blows." "So, long story short, Martin claims that he was protecting his wife and daughter from Lawrence's ill-intentions," said Sapphire. "What about the off-duty cop part?" Skeemo asked. "That would be Lawrence," said Sam. "Ten years, Las Vegas Police Department, and never a complaint against him, which I find to be highly odd." "Why do you say that?" Sapphire asked. "Most officers get at least one or two complaints a year," said Sam. "This guy, nothing." "So, if this guy's married, what's he doing here?" Skeemo asked. "It seems that Martin and his wife have an open relationship, especially where sex is concerned," said Sam. "Apparently, he's quite active." "So, where is this guy at?" Sapphire asked. Sam pointed, and Skeemo and Sapphire slowly looked in the direction he was pointing. Sitting at the counter, was a white rabbit with brown ears, enjoying a drink, or trying to, holding the glass with his left hand. Overall, the rabbit looked more like a librarian, or a teacher, than a bar fighter. "Do you have a plan?" Skeemo asked. Sam got out a twenty. "Yep. I'm going to use his sex-life to trap him." A waiter came up. "Are you ready to order?" "Get me Susan." About ten minutes later, Sam was outside of a room, hearing what was going on, and slightly jealous at what his soon-to-be-prisoner was experiencing. Then, he heard a few clicks, followed by some more. Then, he heard Susan. "I need to leave for a minute - I forgot my cowgirl hat in my room. Can't ride my man proper without a cowgirl hat." "Alright," said a male voice. Susan came out, and looked at Sam. "He's ready for you. It's too bad really; he was all ready to be ridden." She then looked Sam over. "You look ready to be ridden to." Sam grinned. "Another time." He then opened the door, entered, and saw Martin with his wrists handcuffed, and his ankles tied to the bedstand, and he sure was ready. The rabbit looked at him and groaned. "Too good to be true. She was good. Real Good! The Best!" Sam nodded. "I know. Perhaps you could get better acquainted, after you reschedule your court date; my treat." The rabbit chuckled nervously. "Okay. Mind helping me out?" Sam chuckled. "Sure thing." |
| "Nice work, Sam!" said Skeemo, admiring the smooth way the wolf had snagged his quarry. "If you know their weakness, they can't escape." "Sex works on a lot of them," Sam said. "Greed works on most of the rest. But then there are always the sly ones who you can't quite figure out." "Sam, if I was a criminal, I would be one of the sly ones." Sam chuckled. "You probably would." Sapphire said, "Do I need to take another Advil? Or can we kiss this place good-bye?" |
| "You need to tone down on that stuff," said Sam. "Too much in too short a period of time, and you'll need to see a doctor." "So, are we leaving?" Skeemo asked. "Yep," said Sam. "Although I will need to pay a visit to a few people about this case, but we're through with this place for now." "So, who's up next?" Sapphire asked. "Secretary Equines," Sam said, as he read the next file. "An Au Naturalist who showed off more than he was allowed to show off." "A what?" Skeemo asked. "A nudist horse who forgot to put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt when he came into town," said Sam. "That and he urinated on a tree in the park, instead of in the urinal in the restroom." "Are you serious about going after a naked guy who took a wiz on a tree?" Skeemo asked. "That's the job," said Sam. "I don't make this stuff up." "Sounds stupid if you ask me," said Sapphire. "I have to agree with you there," said Sam. "It's never easy trying to arrest someone who doesn't like wearing clothes. Either you feel like a pervert, or just plain embarrassed, or something. That and hope that no one is pointing a camera your way." |
| "Naturism appeals to me," Skeemo said. "If I could run around naked in the summertime, I would be happy." "Unfortunately," Sapphire said, "everyone who had to see you like that would be unhappy." "Aw, come on, the naked body isn't hard to look at." "Yours is." "How would you know?" Skeemo asked. |
| "Because the average male rat has testicles that would make a male rabbit jealous, at least in proportion," said Sam. "How would you know that?" Skeemo asked. "Because I've seen naked male rats, and naked male rabbits," said Sam. "After all, I did go undercover as an Au Naturalist once - I've told you this before." |
| "I remember a time when Humanimal Society was totally cool with public nudity." Said Skeemo "Those were the Hunter/Gatherer times." Said Sam "And even back then you were expected to do your business in private." |
| "Do your business. Makes it sound like you're opening a lemonade stand, doesn't it? ... Holy Smokes! I just realized our nudist quarry is a horse man!" Skeemo said. Sapphire's eyes narrowed. "You just realized it?" "I mean... a horse! As in big... naked... horse man! No wonder people were alarmed." |
| Sapphire turned to Sam. "Do you know what he's talking about?" Sam nodded. "He's saying that the guy must be big down there." "Are you talking about between the legs?" Sapphire asked. Sam nodded. "Well, are horses big down there?" "I'm not exactly sure about that." Sam took a sip of his drink. "Ask Susan; she's had plenty of experience when it comes to the anatomy of male organs." "I see." Sapphire looked at the file. "He looks alright to me, minus the missing clothes part." "He's supposed to be non-violent, one of those peaceful types," said Sam. "Should be easy to approach, and apprehend, if he hasn't moved on back into the Wilds." |
| "Looks like he lives in an apartment complex on the edge of town," Skeemo said. "Happy Pastures Apartment Community. I wonder if he shares his pad with a little filly? Shall we just knock on his door and see if he's home?" |
| "Actually, here's what we'll do," said Sam. "We'll go to his place, sit outside, call his cellphone, figure out if he's there, and then we'll pay a visit." "How is it going to go down?" Skeemo asked. "You and Sapphire will be at the front; knock on the door, and introduce yourselves. Skeemo, if the door opens, you are to put your foot in the door space, to keep him from closing it, and that's when you and Sapphire enter. If he's naked, ask him to put on shorts and a T-shirt, and Skeemo, you are to watch him, and make sure he doesn't try to leave by the fire escape. Sapphire, you are to stay by the front door, and keep him from escaping that way." "And what will you be doing?" Sapphire asked. "I'll be keeping an eye out back," said Sam. "That way, if he does manage to escape out the back, I can intercept him." |
| Happy Pastures Apartments seemed respectable enough. There was a pool with no one in it. It was quiet. No kids screaming, no fighting couples yelling at each other, no teenagers with boomboxes. Skeemo and Sapphire knocked on the door of apartment 423. Secretary Equines had answered his cellphone. Would he answer his door? |
| "Five dollars says he's not going to answer it," said Skeemo. "I'll take that bet," said Sapphire. At this, a slot opened in the door. "Who is it?" a male voice asked. "I'm Sapphire, this is Skeemo, and the wolf watching your back door is Samuel Blacktail," said Sapphire. "We're here on behalf of the agency that placed bail for you, and you missed your court date. We need to take you with us, so that we can reschedule." "Um, let me put on a few things." The slot closed, and the pair heard footsteps receding. Sapphire held out a hand to Skeemo. "Pay up." "Um, Double or Nothing - he's going to try to escape out the side window." Sapphire grinned. "You're on." "So, refresh my memory - what happens to the people we catch?" Skeemo asked. "If they have the money, or something of value, they can place bail, and be let out until their next court date," said Sapphire. "If they don't have the money, or something of value, they have to sit in jail." |
| Skeemo laughed. "Fine with me. I find there is less chance of getting hurt when things are boring." They heard Sam yell, "Hold it right there!" in back of the apartment. "Uh oh," Skeemo said. "Looks like things just got exciting." |
| "I don't want to go to jail!" Secretary yelled, as he looked at Sam. "They make you wear clothes!" The horse then ducked back inside. Sam groaned. This was one reason that true Modern Day Bounty Hunters were rare. When it came to fiction, writers would throw in exciting gunfights, romance, to say nothing about having them wear stupid, and, in the case of female characters, revealing, clothing that served no practical service. In many cases, real Bounty Hunters were somewhere between security guards and policeman when it came to powers of arrest. The truth was, most bounty hunters spent their time tracking down skips, many of which were people who committed minor crimes, like Public Intoxication, Lewdness, Shoplifting, and maybe Assault. Basically, it was boring, and after you caught the person, you had to lock up after them, so that their stuff wouldn't get stolen, carefully place them in the vehicle, take them to the police, show the paperwork that gave you permission to apprehend the person, get a body recite, and then take it to the Bail Agency to get payment, and it wasn't like you could seriously harm the person, unless you were trying to protect yourself. Sam looked up at the window. "Buddy!" he yelled. "You got ten seconds, and then I'm coming in after you! Naked or clothed!" Sam then rushed up the fire escape, and looked in through the window. "Time's up!" The horse looked at him, his eyes wide with fear, and he wasn't wearing any clothes. "I don't want to go back to jail!" "Do you have money to make bail?" Sam asked. The horse nodded. "Listen, the judge is probably at the court right now," said Sam. "Just put on a shirt, shorts, and some sandals, and you'll be out within two hours, and free to walk around naked in your own home." The horse leaned against a wall. "You don't understand, wearing clothing isn't natural." "Buddy, I do understand," said Sam. "I worked alongside of a group of Au Naturalists, and I had to live as one of them, fully naked, for two months, so that I could take down a group of polluters. I understand what it's like to feel the breeze along your fur, as it cools your skin. I know what it's like to drink from the river, and gather your own food. I understand, so please, for just a short time, put some clothes on, stand before the judge, and maybe something can be worked out. I mean, maybe you could arrange some sort of peaceful protest to allow Au Naturalists to be fully nude in Public, so that you can bring Positive attention to the group, and so that, maybe, this sort of thing won't happen later on down the road." "Do you really think that could happen?" Secretary asked. "Nothing to lose if you try," said Sam. "But first, some clothes, just for a little while?" The horse sighed. "Alright, I'll put something on." |
| Skeemo gave Sam the thumb's up sign as the four of them went from the apartment to the van. "Another flawless exercise. Alexander Chovski better watch out or you are going to take away all his business." |
| "I doubt it," said Sam. "There's always someone who forgets their court date, accidentally or on purpose. The job of a bondsman is to remind them of it, and to take them to court if they have no means of transportation." "You know a lot about this stuff," said Skeemo. "Comes from being a former cop," said Sam. "Besides, the reason that Secretary here was wandering around free is because O'Greadly put up the money that said he'd be at court. If Secretary shows up, O'Greadly gets his money back, plus whatever he charged Secretary. If Secretary doesn't show up within a reasonable time, or he can't be located, O'Greadly losses his money. That's where people like us come in - we bring the person in, and O'Greadly gets his money back." "But, what if the guy dies for some reason?" Skeemo asked. "What then?" "A copy of the Death Certificate will be used, and the Bail Agency would be able to recover their money," Sam said. "After all, Dead or Alive means just that - bring back proof of capture or death, although I will say that transporting live people is better than bringing in a corpse, or wrangling with some clerk at a City Hall to get a copy of a slip of paper." |
| The van pulled up at the courthouse and Sam and Skeemo took Secretary Equines in to meet his fate while Sapphire decided to remain in the van. She sat watching the traffic, both the cars on the road and the people walking by. After a while, Sam and Skeemo returned. "We've got another one to catch," Sam said. |
| "What do we have?" Sapphire asked. "We have a twofer," said Sam. "Husband and wife. Domestic Dispute. Both charged with Destruction of Private Property. Martin Lembowski, age 46, rhinoceros, claims that his wife damaged his ninety-thousand dollar Mercedes. Wendy Lembowski, age 44, hippopotamus, claims that her husband destroyed forty-thousand dollars worth of fine china. Currently, the wife is at the house, while the husband is at a motel, until things get sorted out." "I just hope that the van can hold them," said Skeemo. Twenty minutes later, they stopped out the house, which was surrounded by a whitewash fence, where they met up with some of the local police. "Felcanrod, currently working with O'Greadly's Bail-Bondsman Association," Sam said, when the officers asked for some I.D. He then gave them the Fugitive Apprehension papers. "So, O'Greadly's asked you to help pick up the slack," said the one officer. "Name's Richard Dowels, and my partner's Sally Whitefeet." "So, what's the situation?" Sam asked. "Well-" At this, something inside the house produced a loud crash. "That would be the problem. Neighbors called about some loud noises. We've tried knocking, with no response." "Why didn't you just bust down the door?" Skeemo asked. "We're waiting on a warrant," the officer said. "Luckily, we don't," said Sam. "After all, thanks to some old laws, if we believe our fugitive is in some building, we can enter it, without a warrant." He then gave the officer a wink. "Of course, if you happen to hear shots fired, screams for help, or the neighbors reporting some suspicious characters traipsing in the backyard, then you can enter without a warrant." The officer chuckled. "That would be correct." "I'll take a look first," said Sam. "I want to be sure of things before we enter." The wolf climbed over the fence, and crept to the windows. Soon, he located the source of the noises. "Well, well, well! No wonder she isn't answering the door!" He then climbed back over the fence, and looked at the rest. "Seems the husband returned, and currently, they are either in the process of renovating their love nest, or they're doing some serious making up. Either way, I'm not going to disturb them, even if they could hear me over the moans of passion, and things breaking." At this, the rest chuckled. "I know what you mean," the officer said. "My wife's more than interested in me after an argument." "I have a feeling the charges will be dropped against each of them, and O'Greadly will get his money back that way," said Sam. |
| Sam and Skeemo and Sapphire and the officers stood around chatting while they waited for either the Lembowskis to end their lovemaking or the warrant to arrive. As it turned out, both things happened at the same time, so they were faced with the awkward problem of who got first crack at the Lembowskis, Felcanrod or the cops? |
"How about we go in together," Sam suggested. "That way we can remind them of the court date, although I suspect they'll be dropping the charges against each other, meaning we wouldn't exactly be allowed to bring them in, and you can mention the 'noise disturbance', but I doubt you're going to arrest a pair of lovers for having sex in their own home. After all, I can read the Headline now - 'Couple Arrested for Loud Sex' - we'd all be nothing more than the laughing stock." "I know what you mean, and I don't want to arrest a pair of lovers," said Richard. "Besides, they're both probably near-sighted, and partially deaf, like many hippos and rhinos." "I know the feeling," said Sam. |
| "Alright," Richard said, "let's go in together." He knocked on the door. "When he opened his door, rhino Martin Lembowski saw them all standing there and said, "Hey, what happened? Did I win a prize? Did you bring me one of those giant checks?" |
| "You and your wife missed your court date yesterday," said Sam. "That and the police here want to ask if you and your wife could keep the noise down." |
| "There's no check?" Martin Lembowski looked very disappointed. The officer looked stern. "We got complaints that you were making too much noise. Did you have a fight with your wife?" "Oh... that!! It was noting, just a little argument. Somebody called you? Who?" "I'm not at liberty to say that, sir. Just one of your neighbors who heard the noise." "It was those damn big-eared Jerboas, wasn't it? Stupid rodents sleep all day. You can't start your car without him yelling at you." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbnqSAMfPxo |
| "So, I take it that you and your wife are planning on dropping the charges against each other?" Sam asked. "We are," said Martin. "The whole thing was a big misunderstanding; we both have vision issues, and had misplaced our glasses, and we don't see things that are real close all that well, and we're forgetful as well. It wasn't unit this morning that I remembered that I hadn't been wearing mine, and she remembered she hadn't been wearing hers. Well, I came back to apologize, and, well, one thing led to another." Sam chuckled as he nodded. "I understand completely; me and my wife had plenty of arguments, and we did plenty of making up." "Oh?" Martin asked. "You're married?" "Once," said Sam. He looked over at the vehicles in the driveway. "Would you and your wife like a ride into town, so that you can explain that you're dropping the charges against each other?" "Why, that would be nice. Wendy! These gentlemen have come to give us a ride into town!" "That's nice dear," came a female voice. "Just let me freshen up a bit." "It won't take her long," said Martin. About an hour later, forty minutes of which had been spent waiting for Wendy to freshen up, Sam and company had turned their large passengers over to the court officers, who were mostly assisting the mostly-blind couple into the building. Sam was looking at the file of their next fugitive. "Vincent Stripes, A.K.A. Vinnie the Vise, Age, 33, tiger, pulled over in a routine traffic stop. Police located ten pounds of narcotics, and several unregistered firearms, including an assault rifle. Suspect in several murders and robberies, but nothing's stuck until now. He's also the son of the local Mob Boss, Johnathon Stripes." "Why is he called Vinnie the Vise?" Skeemo said. "Allegedly, someone stole the last slice of meat-lover's pizza from him once," said Sam. "Allegedly, he grabbed the guy, took him to the toolshed, held the guy's hand - the one that took the pizza - between the jaws of a vise, and rotated the lever, and crushed every bone in that guy's hand." "All over a piece of pizza?" Sapphire asked. "Apparently, the pizza came from Al Pachino's Pizzeria, and he makes a very good pizza," said Sam. "So, where does he live?" Skeemo asked. "At his father's place, twenty miles outside of town, along with his mother, Victoria Stripes, and his brother, Lawrence Stripes." "Lawrence Stripes? Is that the same Lawrence Stripes that was assaulted by that rabbit, Martin Loppears?" Skeemo asked. Sam took a quick look at the files. "Yep, and that explains why there's no complaints against him until now - only a fool testifies against a mob boss's son, especially one that's a cop." "So, how do we handle this?" Sapphire asked. "Apprehending him at his father's house is courting suicide," said Sam. "This is a Decoy and Ambush operation." "Mind explaining that one?" Skeemo asked. "I knock on the door, introduce myself as someone looking for work, tell the missus that I had heard that he husband was hiring. She let's me in, let's me stay for supper - that's how things are in that section - and then I'll try to arrest Vincent, and at the same time, convince Lawrence to drop his case against Loppears." "But, what about the goons?" "As soon as the guns are drawn, I'll politely leave. After that, they'll be on watch for me, not you two." |
| The first part of the operation went well enough. Sam knocked on the door and gave his spiel and sure enough, he was invited to supper... |
| "My wife tells me you're looking for work," said the elder Stripes. "Tell me, what sort of work have you done?" "A little of this, a little of that, whatever was paying at the time," Sam said, as he cut up a delicious smelling steak. "Most of the time, I was a bodyguard for some important person." Sam put a piece of steak in his mouth, chewed on it, swallowed, and then picked up a napkin to clean up some of the spillage that fell from the hole on the side of his mouth. "This is good; best I've had in A while." Mrs. Stripes smiled. "Thank you." "I hate to be rude," said Mr. Stripes. "But, how did you acquire your disfigurements?" "I killed a man, self-defense of course you understand," Sam said. "Problem was, he had a brother, and you know how brothers can be when someone has killed their sibling." "I know," said Mr. Stripes. "I've run into that sort of thing." "Well, he swore to avenge his brother, and came after me, with his men," continued Sam. "Now, it would have been one thing if it was just me, but I was married at the time, and my wife had told me the best news a man could get - she was pregnant with my child, and we'd tried for several years - and then, after they disfigured me, they mortally wounded her, and set the place on fire." "Oh good heavens," said Mrs. Stripes. "Did she make it?" Sam frowned. "No. Between what those men did to her, and the fire, and the smoke, it was too much. It was luck that I survived." "What happened afterwards?" Mr. Stripes asked. "I made certain that they would never be able to harm another pregnant woman." Sam took a sip of some wine. "So, what do you do these days?" Mrs. Stripes asked. "Well, one job that pays quite well is hunting down those who have a price on their heads." Sam looked right at Vincent, "And it seems that your son here happens to have one." Vincent paused in his eating, and looked right at Sam. "You come into my parents' home, eat at our table, and you have the gall to claim that I have a price on my head?" Vincent grabbed a knife, and was about to lunge at Sam when the wolf drew his handgun and pointed it right at the tiger's head. "Mr. Stripes, please ask your son to drop the knife, and sit back down," Sam said, calmly. "I'd hate to break the rules of hospitality, and kill my host's son right in front of him." Mr. Stripes chuckled. "Vincent, sit down." Sam then swung his handgun at Lawrence. "Left hand on the table, now! Don't even try to reach your holster on your right hip; the handle's not reversed for you to attempt a cross-draw." The crippled tiger growled, as he lifted his hand back to the table. "I've heard about a half-faced wolf that's been doing some bounty hunting. That's you." Sam grinned. "You heard right, oh, and a piece of advise, drop the suit against the rabbit, otherwise I'll tell every hood on the street why that rabbit broke your arm, and gave you the beating you got, and they'll kill you for it, even if killing you did get them the death penalty." "And just why would they risk that?" Mr. Stripes asked. "All I know was that the rabbit was severely drunk." "Why, your son threatened to rape this rabbit's daughter," said Sam. "Surely, as a father, you could sympathize with another father who was trying to protect his child." "I see." Sam stood up, and holstered his weapon. "I best be going. Vincent, another time. Mr. Stripes, an excellent meal." He then left the house, and began walking away. |
| Sam's excellent hearing picked up the slight sound behind him as he walked away. He dropped to one knee while spinning around with gun drawn. The bullet fired at him whizzed by his head so close it almost took off his other ear. Sam's gun fired twice before the shooter could get off another shot. Vincent dropped to the porch of his father's house with two bullets in him, one in the hand that had held the gun and the other in the arm connected to that hand. |
| "You bastard!" Vincent shouted. "How dare you shoot me!" "You shot at me first," Sam said, as he got out a set of cuffs with his free hand. He then looked at the van, and saw Skeemo and Sapphire come out. Then, he turned his head, and heard the elder Mr. Stripes yelling at his other son. "You threatened to rape a man's daughter!" the elder tiger roared. "If you weren't my son, I'd kill you right here and now! We don't do that kind of shit in this family!" "I don't think they'll be bothering us for a few minutes," Sam said, as he placed the cuffs on Vincent, as the other two came up to them. "What's going on in there?" Skeemo asked. "A family discussion," said Sam, as he picked Vincent up. "It seems that Mr. Stripes doesn't like it when his sons threaten to rape other peoples' daughters. I won't be too surprised if the charges against Mr. Loppears get dropped." "That's good to hear," said Sapphire. "So, how was your supper?" "It was excellent," Sam said. "I might come here again if another target lives out here." "You'd have dinner with the Mob?" Skeemo asked. "They might kill you next time." "Not at the table," said Sam. "It would leave a mess, and the wife wouldn't like that. Now, let's get this scumbag to the police - he'll have to stay the night before he can see a judge or be bonded out again." After dropping off their passenger, the group looked at the last file. "Zerkzies Chiroptera, age 33, fruit bat, charged with breaking and entering, and stealing jewelry. Repeat offender - suffers from a compulsive disorder, in that when he sees some sort of gem, he wants it. Non-violent, for the most part. Prefers to get in, get the gem, and get out, leaving the inhabitants of the home unmolested. Failed to show up at court." "Well, bats tend to be nocturnal," said Skeemo. "Must of been scheduled during his sleeping hours." "That's one possibility," said Sam. |
| "What's the other possibility?" asked Skeemo. "Let's go ask him," Sam said. "It lists an address for him in the file." "Do you think he's still there?" "We'll find out." |
| The group went to the address, and knocked on the door. However, there was no response. "Interesting," said Sam. "Let's try the neighbors, they might know something." They knocked on the door of the one neighbor's house, and a magpie opened the door. "You're looking for Zerk?" the magpie asked, after the group introduced themselves. "He's currently out and about. If you find him, and you've got gems, be careful; he's worse than a magpie that sees a - Oh! Shiny! Can I have it?" |
| (I'm just going to not participate until this chapter's over, I don't have anything to contribute) |
| "No, you cannot have it!" Skeemo said, cupping his right hand over the big diamond pinky ring on his left hand. The magpie's eyes glittered. "My precious!" "Let's look for Zerk," Sam said. Skeemo frowned. "But he could be anywhere!" "I have some specific ideas where we can look." |
| "What do you have in mind?" Skeemo asked. "There's a twenty-four hour jewelry store, a frequent victim of Zerk's kleptomania, about five blocks away," Sam said, as he turned on the police scanner. "He has a tendency to come in through the attic, and leave that way." "Why don't they board it up?" Skeemo asked. "Because a number of flying customers come in though that way," said Sam. "Then, why don't they put a guard to watch on it?" Sapphire asked. "Because the guy usually looks in through the window, unless it's something he really wants," said Sam. "Can't arrest a guy for window shopping." |
| Sam and Skeemo found a hiding place on the roof of the building across the street from the jewelry store. "I don't know, Sam," Skeemo said. "What's the chance that we would be here the same night he decides to rob the place?" "I have a feeling about it," Sam said. "You chase down enough of these guys and you get a feel for how they think." "Oh? So what is he thinking that will make him rob this store tonight?" |
| "A Synthetic Replica of the Hope Diamond," Sam said. "45.52 carats, deep blue, and everything else, like the real one - minus the fact that it's Cubic Zirconia, and costs the buyer ten grand, compared to the two hundred fifty million dollar value of the original. Anyone who cares to show off their wealth will buy it to be set as part of a diamond necklace for their wife - it might be a fake, but it's the most expensive fake diamond out there." "Think we could get one for Sapphire?" Skeemo asked. "Given you forgot to get her something for her Birthday and Christmas, you probably should," said Sam. "Can I borrow some money from you?" Skeemo asked. "You have over three hundred million dollars in your bank account," said Sam. "Why are you trying to borrow money from me?" "I don't like spending my own money on co-workers." Sam scoffed at this. "Maybe I should just buy one for her myself." |
| "Shhh!" Skeemo said. "Look!" On the roof of the jewelry store a dark shadow made a sudden move. |
| "Alright," Sam whispered. "When he get's close, we'll jump on him, and cuff him. Try not to damage his wings too much." |
| "Yuck!" Skeemo said. "I hope we don't run into too many more bats. I don't like them." "OK," Sam said. "It looks like he got the diamond replica and now he's..." |
| Skeemo made an uncharacteristically athletic flying leap and tackled the burglar bat. Sam rushed up and slapped on the cuffs. "I didn't know you could move like that." Sam said. Skeemo groaned. "You can be sure I won't be moving like that again anytime soon." After that there was nothing to do but a little tidying up and the inevitable paperwork. (How about a scene where Alexander thanks Sam for his help and then on my next post I will start a new episode?) |
| The next day, Sam and Company were at O'Greadly's, looking at the FTAs they had managed to turn in. "Six out of twenty, in one day," O'Greadly said, as he looked at the reports. "That sure is a good start to my backlog. And the methods you used, nicely done, minimal fuss, and hardly any damage, except for Stripes, but I have to admire you for showing up for dinner at his family's home, and dinning with his father. Then there's Loppears - you actually paid a Honey Bunny a hundred dollars to set him up for the Bounty Hunter Special, with hands cuffed to the head of the bed, and his ankles tied to the foot of said bed - kinky! Personally, I might have to try that myself. That being said, I hear the charges against him will soon be dropped - seems the officer whom he assaulted is being investigated on charges of corruption, and the Lembowskis are dropping the charges against each other. Equines is also out on bail, and is organizing a protest with the Au Naturalists to try and get public nudity legal. Stripes will be in the hospital for a while, and then sent to jail for attempted murder - the judge wants you to testify on that matter." "Understood," Sam said. "As for Zerkzies Chiroptera, he's been bonded out again, and is scheduled for a Night Court session." "You've done us a great service," said Alexander, extending his paw. "It usually takes a few days to catch most of these people." "Well, if you ever need any more help, you know who to call," said Sam, as he shook the German Shepherd's paw. "Now, for your fee." O'Greadly wrote out a check. "Take this to the bank, and the money will be transferred to your account." Sam looked at it. "Sixty thousand dollars? Thought the deal was for fifty?" "The other ten thousand's a bonus, from me." "Good to hear," said Sam. "See you around." "And thanks again for your help," said O'Greadly. As Sam and the others left the Bail-Bondsman office, Sam got a call. "Sam here." "Hey Sam," said a familiar voice. "Susan." "That rabbit you asked me to detain yesterday came back today," said Susan. "He says that you owed him a session with me." Sam chuckled. "Yeah, take it out of my account." "Good to know," said Susan. "He sure is fun." "Say, later today, do you think that you could have a session with me? The Bounty Hunter Special?" "Oh, you want to try that out? Well, I'll just have to see how well you buck, Bounty Hunter." Sam chuckled as he closed his phone. "You sure will." |
| Skeemo picked up the phone, and dial's Sam's cell. "Come on Sam, I know you're there." There was just one small problem, Sam was handcuffed to a bed, with a woman in a skimpy cowgirl-type of outfit on top of him, hitting him with her hat, causing him to buck up and down. "Ride them doggies," the woman yelled in excitement, as she held onto his shoulder with her other hand. "Move them out!" She hit him again. "Hey, easy with that, Susan," Sam said. "I think that part had some metal in it." Susan kissed him, and that was when they heard Sam's phone ringing. Susan checked the caller I.D. "It's from Skeemo." "Probably nothing important," said Sam. "Let's continue." Susan moved her hat slightly, and started hitting Sam again. "Yee Haw! Come on!" However, the phone rang again. It was Skeemo, again. "Ugh! Put him on speaker." Susan opened the phone, and pressed the speaker button. "What the hell do you want Skeemo?" Sam asked. "I'm in the middle of something important." "You're at the Bread and Butter Saloon," said Skeemo. "What's so important on your end?" "I'm handcuffed to a bed, with a woman on top," said Sam. "That give you any clues?" "Alright," said Skeemo. "When you are able to, I need you back here; we got a case." "Alright," said Sam. "Hanging up." Susan closed the phone. "Now, where were we? Oh, right." She lifted her hat, and began to hit him again. "Giddy-up!" |
| The Prairie Dog sniffed "Is something burning?" In walked Sapphire "We have got to get a new grill or I'll be serving hockey pucks instead of burgers tonight!" |
| "Sure, Saph," said Skeemo. "Just pick out the grill you want and we'll order it. How would you like to take a little trip out to the prairie country?" "The prairie?" "Yes. Seems a little prairie dog has got a problem with vultures." "Oooo, I love prairie dogs. Let's do it!" "I thought you might, and the way Sam loves cowgirls, here's his chance to ride the real thing." Skeemo called Sheriff Jesse Wildweed and got directions to Stubchew County. The next morning the three Felcanrodders boarded a flight to prairie country. Sheriff Wildweed had flown back the previous day. They finally met up with him again in the town of Choctaw, capitol seat of Stubchew County. "Well, Sheriff, here we are," said Skeemo. "And I'm mighty glad to see you boys, uh, and a girl." Sheriff Wildweed nodded at Sapphire. "Lookee here on my map and you can see the vultures' hideouts. They got three of them that I know about. How do you reckon on getting rid of the ornery birds?" "I've got some ideas," Sam said. "Like you say, too bad we can't just shoot them, but there's some non-lethal ways of getting folks to move along and go somewhere else." |
| "Just one thing," Sam said. "Are these vultures normal animal vultures, who are of a rare breed, or are they sentient? Because if they are just animals, we'll need Animal Control here to make sure that the birds stay safe, otherwise we risk getting a big fine. And if they are sentient, we need to be careful there - I don't want those Sentient Rights people after us." |
| A cow and a horse had wandered over. "Those vultures are as sentient as you and me," said the horse, "but they are evil. Pure evil." "That's right," said the cow. "Mischievousness I can understand, but their pranks go far beyond that. They fly over my herd and crap on us and then in a cackling voice they say You're gonna die and the buzzards will eat your brains! Hahahaha!" "They tried to steal a colt!" said the horse. "Four of them tried to pick him up right out of the pasture. Of course, they couldn't lift him, but his mother was frantic. Almost had a heart attack." |
| "Alright," said Sam. "We'll use net guns to try and capture them. Getting caught in a net will keep those birds from flying." |
| "What will we do with them after we catch them?" Skeemo asked. "If we take them anywhere, won't they just fly back here?" |
| "Depends on the location," said Sam. "And if they have the proper incentive to stay." |
| "It's never boring on the prairie," said Sheriff Wildweed. "Now you city folk may think that's not true. What's going on here, you say. The sun comes up, the sun goes down. The grass grows, the cows chew. But I tell you if you got the eyes to see it there is a lot of exciting things going on." Sapphire sighed. "I guess I don't have the eyes to see it then." Skeemo nudged Sam. "Uh, what do you mean by the proper incentive? Are we going to pay the vultures to stay away? Or scare the living hell out of them?" |
| "It's real simple," Sam said. "Shoot them." "That seems to be a little counterproductive," said Sheriff Wildweed. "We are talking about rare creatures here. We're not supposed to kill them." "Actually, you can, if you're protecting yourself, or others," Sam said. "Dealt with a similar situation involving an African Elephant - the guy would break into places, quite literally, smash open glass cases, and take the jewels, and just walk away. Had an issue trying to deal with him - elephants have thick hides, and even thicker layers of fat - tranquilizers couldn't do anything to slow him down, and we certainly didn't want to kill him. So, the decision was made to cripple him - our best sniper got a Barrett .50 assigned to him. The elephant had just robbed another store, and that was when the order was given - the shot destroyed his kneecap, sending him crashing to the ground, and he was ordered to surrender, or he'd get the next one in the skull - he was smart enough to surrender after that." "So, basically, you plan to wing the leader, and convince the rest to surrender," said Sheriff Wildweed. "More or less," said Sam. "Maybe this won't be so boring after all," said Sapphire. "Unlike that last job we had." "Sapphire, that last job we had was a typical Modern Day Bounty Hunting mission," Sam said. "It's only the the guys on TV, in Movies, and books, that go around and blow shit up, and seduce the girl, engage in gunfights, and all that other stuff, because authors and screenwriters won't write about catching drunks, nudists, petty thieves, bar fighters, or criminals that don't make the big headlines. Seriously, read a Juliet Apple novel by Susan Beocvitch - good series - mixture of action and comedy - it's about this woman, who blackmails her cousin to get a job, and that job is bringing those who fail to show up at court - a modern day bounty hunter. She's in love with two men - a coyote named Mario, a Vice Detective, and a panther who goes by the street name Seal, as he was in the Special Forces - and she can't pick between the two, and while the two can't stand each other, they have a mutual respect thing going on, and whenever Susan is in trouble, you can trust that one of them will save the day." "Why do you like her?" Skeemo asked. "Because she's my kind of woman," Sam said. "Double-tough, with a sensitive side, and she fights dirty; in one book, she took a staple gun and stapled this one goon's crotch when he caught her snooping around in his boss's office." Skeemo groaned at this, as did Sheriff Wildweed. "And the comedy stuff?" Sapphire asked. "In one book, a regular dog gets dropped off on her doorstep, and turns out to be a eating machine, who will eat anything, including, among other things, two cases of prunes," said Sam. "Well, the dog gets that look, and she takes him outside to take care of things. Two goons, who have been following her around, abduct the dog, and less than a quarter of a mile later, bail out, complaining about the smell, not to mention the mess. I was laughing my tail off even before the goons revealed what had happened - took me five minutes before I stopped laughing." (The book series I just mentioned is based off of the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich - you'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll cringe, and wonder why doesn't Stephanie get a job at the button factory, instead of chasing after lunatics.) |
| "Martha Moo Moo," said the cow woman. Sapphire's brow squinched. "You're kidding, right?" "I wish I was, but that was my Daddy's name. In the old days cows weren't quite as sophisticated as they are today. I've got an Aunt Ima Milkgiver who we call Aunt Teat, so you can see I'm country through and through." The sheriff showed Sam and Skeemo his collection of rifles and shotguns. "You boys are welcome to use any of these guns you want." Skeemo looked them over and turned to Sam. "What do you think? What should we use on the vultures?" |
| "Got any rock salt shells, or rubber bullets, or knockout gas, or stink gas?" Sam asked. "If not, got some net guns in the vehicle. After all, best to start off with the less-lethal stuff first." |
| The sheriff's deputy, another prairie dog, his nephew Toby actually, spoke up in a squeaky voice. "I know where to get some of that stuff!" "You do, Toby?" said the sheriff. "Alright then. Looks like you boys are in luck." |
| "Rock salt shells are easy to make," Sam said. "Just substitute rock salt for the steel pellets you'd normally load a shotgun shell with." "How do they work?" Skeemo asked. "Same as your regular shotgun shell, only instead of putting a bunch of holes in your backside, you get a number of bruises, and one hell of a stinging sensation," Sam said. "I learned how to make them as a kid - cheaper to make rock salt shells than to purchase rubber pellet shells for home defense. All you need is gunpowder, shotgun shell casings, primers, rock salt, and a reloading station." |
| Just then a Puma who was named Violet (But was actually a Male...His adoptive parents were Humans and didn't realize he was a Boy) Ran up "Sheriff!" Panted Violet "The Vultures! They're trying to steal all the water in the reservoir!" |
| "Goshdarnnit!" said Sheriff Wildweed. "That's going too far! Without water we'll die!" Sapphire was frowning. "How can they steal all the water in your reservoir?" "It's a mighty small reservoir, Miss Sapphire. We never seen no need to guard it. Maybe that's my fault for not anticipating trouble." "Don't worry," Sam said. "This gives us the perfect excuse to try out our net guns and rock salt. Toby, you keep loading rock salt into shotgun shells like I showed you. Skeemo, Sapphire, let's net some vultures." They approached the reservoir cautiously. As the sheriff had implied, it wasn't much more than a watering hole. The vultures had rigged up a crude pump and were filling up 55 gallon drums with water. They could hear the vultures cackling amongst themselves... JETHRO: Once we gots all the water we'll charge a ransom for it. AMOS: And get rich! Hehehehe! |
| Sam took a quick look, and chuckled. "This will be fun." "What do you mean?" Sheriff Wildweed asked. "We'll use the Phantom Bullet tactic," said Sam. "Refresh my memory on how we do that one," said Skeemo. "First of all, we all wear those hands-free sets for communication, like you would when driving," Sam said. "You and the Sheriff head into the camp, while me and Sapphire get up on that ridge - give us a five minute lead. Sapphire will have the shotgun with rock salt shells, and I'll take my .30-06 rifle, with live rounds. Once the five minutes are up, Skeemo, you and the Sheriff will go into the camp, and ask for their surrender. If they don't surrender, which I'm betting on, Skeemo, you make a gun with your hand and fingers - I'm sure you know how to do that, and tell them that you have a Magic Gun, with Phantom Bullets." "But, he doesn't have a Magic Gun with Phantom Bullets," said Wildweed. "Don't need one, and I can guess the next part," said Skeemo. "My memory came back while you were talking, Sam." He looked at the Sheriff. "I point my finger at something, like the pump, and say, 'Pump's Dead', and Sam fires a shot, taking it out. I then point at the drums, call them in turn, and Sam shoots them. Then, I aim at the leader's hat, or whatever, and call that, and Sam shoots that as well." "But, what if they catch on?" Wildweed asked. "What if they locate Sam?" "If they are smart, they'll leave," said Sapphire. "If not, I've got a shotgun loaded with rock salt - they'll leave with some stinging bruises." |
| Skeemo and Sheriff Wildweed strolled into the vulture camp nice and casual as if they did it every afternoon. "Howdy, boys!" said the sheriff. "What are you buzzards up to today?" Jethro seemed to be the most talk ready of the vultures. "Oh, nothing much, sheriff. Just lazin' around in the sun. Trying to get a tan. You know? Hehehe!" "I'll tell you why we're here, boys. I want you to surrender in the name of the law for stealing water and various other crimes and trespasses." "Haw! Haw! Haw!" said Jethro and some other vultures joined in with their cackling laughter. "You and what army is going to make us do that, sheriff? You're not even wearing your gun. Besides, you know it's a federal offense to harm one feather on a vulture." "Boys, I don't need to wear my gun, because me and my buddy Skeemo here are equipped with magic guns." "Magic guns?! Haw! Haw! Haw! This gets better and better!" Skeemo saw a canteen hanging off a nearby tree limb. "Is that your canteen?" Skeemo cocked his hand up with an imaginary gun in it. "I think it's got a leak in it." As Skeemo pretended to pull the trigger, Sam... |
| Aimed the gun at the canteen, and fired, shooting right through the canteen. One of the younger vultures squawked. "He does have a magic gun!" Jethro looked at the canteen, and then looked in the direction the bullet had come from. "No, he just has a buddy with a rifle on that cliff." He then looked looked at Skeemo. "Bet you your buddy can't do that again." Skeemo grinned. "Alright." He pointed at the pump. "The pump goes boom." The birds heard a gunshot, and the pump had a hole in the motor, disabling it. Skeemo then aimed at Jethro. "And now, your hat." Jethro felt the bullet just miss his feathers, as his hat came off. "Your pal's good, but it's still a Federal law to harm a vulture." Skeemo blew on his finger, as if clearing off some smoke. "Maybe, but he's willing to break it to protect his friends. You make one step towards us, and it will be the last move you ever make. As you've just seen, he's a dead shot." "I doubt he has the stomach for it," said Jethro. "There was an ambassador who thought that the law wouldn't be able to do anything after he killed my friend's family," said Skeemo. "Problem was, he forgot to kill my friend, and my friend went onto his property, and killed him, and every single one of his men. There's others who also underestimated him, but he's taken them all on, and won. You think he's afraid of a bunch of water thieves? Think again. You make one wrong move, and you'll end up dead, or wishing you were." |
| Jethro glanced nervously up at the hill where Sam was hidden. "Nevertherless," he said. "We ain't gonna surrender to nobody." "Then I suggest you move," said the sheriff. "Move?" "Yep. Move somewhere else. Don't live around these parts anymore. It ain't healthy for you. You're birds. Fly away." "Are you threatening me?" "Yes, we are," Skeemo said. "The sheriff can't harm you, but strangers in the night can harm you. Strangers who don't live around here. Strangers who can go back home. Strangers who will kill a bird for a few bucks and never worry about getting caught." "You don't scare us," Jethro said, but his eyes didn't look too confident. "Think about it," Skeemo said. "It's still a few hours until nightfall. You've got time to pack up and leave. Like I said... for your health." As Skeemo and the sheriff were walking away, Skeemo said, "What do you think, Jessie? Will they go?" "Hard to say," said Jessie Wildweed. "I'm pretty sure they are scared and worried, but they are also damn stubbon critters. We'll have to see." "Let's check this camp in the morning," Skeemo said. |
| As they walked back to their vehicles, Skeemo and Wildweed were joined by Sam and Sapphire. "That was some shooting," said Wildweed. "To be honest, I almost burst out in laughter when I saw the reactions after you shot that canteen. 'Kaw! he's got a Magic Gun!' Funniest thing I've seen in a while." "I hope they are good at taking hints," said Sam. |
| Sapphire looked at the Vultures "Something tells me they didn't." She said "They're like cartoon villains who keep coming back for more punishment." |
| "Hey, misssterrr!" came a rattling voice from the shadows. "Huh?!" Skeemo said. "Who is there?" "Promissse me you won't shoot me and I'll show myssself." "Uh... I won't shoot you." A rattlesnake glided out to where Skeemo could see him. "I can help you get rid of those vulturesss... for a price." "Really?" Skeemo said. "I'm intrigued. Tell me more." "It's sssimple enough. Rattlesssnakesss in their camp. Rattlesssnakesss eating eggs. Rattlesssnakesss rattling. Get the picture?" "Sounds pretty scary," Skeemo said. "I'm definitely interested. You are our plan B, but right now we are trying plan A. If those vultures are still in their camp tomorrow, then I'm pretty sure we'll want your services." "Until tomorrow," said the snake and mysteriously vanished back into the shadows. I've got to tell Sam and Sapphire about this thought Skeemo. |
| "I'd call that Plan Five Millionth in Line," said Sam. "You're talking about endangering unborn children, or even killing them. I don't get involved in that sort of stuff. Scaring them off is one thing, but when you go after someone's kids, you're crossing a line." |
| "But Sam," Skeemo said. "It would be nature at work. Besides, one endangered species putting the scare on another endangered species? At least we wouldn't be involved." "Until the snakes were questioned," Sam said, "and revealed that we paid them to do it." "Oh, come on, Sam. Who is going to question a rattlesnake?" |
| "The big Judge-in-the-Sky would," said Sam. "I've done enough stuff that might get me into trouble with him, but killing children is a surefire way to get your soul roasted in eternal lava." "I didn't know that you were religious," said Skeemo. "I don't go to Church, but I do plenty of reading," said Sam. "I may not be perfect, but if I get questioned by someone at some golden gate after I die, I want to be able to give the guy good reasons for my actions. Maybe I'll still get sent for a swim in a river of eternal lava, but at least it won't be because I caused the deaths of innocent children." |
| "Hold on," said the snake. "Am I to underssstand it isss the egg-eating that you object to? We could ssskip that part. It isss the money we snakesss are interested in. It isss hard to get your handsss (not that I have any) on cash out here on the prairie. There iare no rich people to sssteal from and snakesss don't work at regular jobsss." "Aw, Sam," said Skeemo. "These poor guys! They're like the rats of the prairie. I can sympathize. What do you say? No egg-eating and we do plan B if we have to?" |
| The next morning Sam and Skeemo and Sapphire and the sheriff piled into the sheriff's old Dodge pick up and headed out to check on the vulture camp. Would they still be there? Or did they pack up and fly away? |
| "Which way are you betting?" Skeemo asked. "I'm just hoping that they left," said Sam. |
(Twiga, it is up to you as to whether the vultures are gone or not. Because if they are gone, then you need to get ready to present the next episode.  )"Have some of this bottled water," Skeemo said. "Are you looking forward to getting back to the city?" Sapphire took a long drink of water. Skeemo said, "What about you, Sam? Want to go back to Vegas? I think it's kind of cool out here with no traffic and no noise." |
| "If I wished to live in the Wilds, I'd prefer something similar to what natural wolves live in, where fresh water is easier to find," said Sam. |
| "Good grief!" Skeemo said. "Did you guys see the news reports about the killings in Vegas?" "The monster pig story?" Sam asked. "That's the one. Weird, huh?" "It's going to get weirder," Sapphire said. "I just got a phone call from an old friend..." |
| "Who is this old friend?" Sam asked "His name is Dr. Tailoss." Sapphire said "He's a Fox-Man from Boston, he says he knows who the Monster Pig is." |
| "I'm halfway surprised that I don't know this doctor," said Sam. "After all, when you're a cop for the city of Boston, you tend to learn who is who there." "Well, Boston happens to have over six hundred thousand people," Sapphire said. "It's not like you know everyone." "True," said Sam. "But I know most of the important ones." "Like that woman who lives in your old place?" Skeemo asked. "Janell's a good woman," said Sam. "I just hope she and Matt are doing alright, along with Susan, her maid/bodyguard." "Speaking of Susans, are you planning on visiting that Honey Bunny any time soon?" Skeemo asked. "I hope so," said Sam. "Why? Do you want to try her on for size?" "Well, I was wondering if she had a friend who was more my size, especially after that one woman in Glasgow nearly crushed my ribcage," said Skeemo. Sam chuckled. "I'm sure she can find someone who could accommodate you." |
| "I'm going to call Dr. Tailoss back," said Sapphire. "I find this pig story very disturbing." "It's not like it's the first weird pig we ever encountered," said Skeemo. "Remember that Fairy Pig with the cupcakes?" |
| "Yeah but she got enchanted against her will." Sapphire said "I have a feeling this is different." They flew to Boston, but the Doctor's Residence was slightly farther away, in the woods outside Boston, after driving to a cottage deep in the forest, Sapphire knocked on the door "It's open." Said Someone Inside The Three Entered the Cottage, there sitting in the center of the room, surrounded by scented candles and a pentagram, was a Strange Fox-Man not much bigger then a normal Fox. "I can tell you who this Pig-Man is." Said the Doctor "He is my brother...Not blood relative brother, we were created by the same experiment." "What do you mean?!" Sam asked "They stopped creating Humanimals 50 years ago! Since then it's been done the natural away." "I'm not a Humanimal and I'm not from this universe." Said the Doctor "Both me and the Pig, were created in a secret experiment to create a new kind of Animal Super Solider." |
| "Oh no," Sam said. "Don't tell me that one of those Stargate things were involved." "What?" Sapphire asked. "TV show made in the late 20th early 21st century - team of explorers/soldiers travels to different planets using a device called a Stargate," said Sam. "It was quite good - seen the reruns." |
| "Yes," said Dr. Tailoss, "I think I know what you mean - a portal connecting this universe to another one. To tell you the truth, I'm not exactly sure how my brother and I got to this universe. It certainly wasn't my doing. Perhaps we are part of an experiment to see what happens when we are put here." "This is all sounding very crazy," Skeemo said. "I don't doubt it. But you have to agree the killings are real enough." "That's true," Skeemo said. "How does Felcanrod enter into this?" "I want you to help me stop my brother before he kills more people. I myself am very much opposed to any kind of killing. It breaks my heart every time I hear about another murder." Skeemo looked at Sam and Sapphire, who nodded in agreement: Yes, let's help this pitiful Fox-Man. "Alright, Dr. Tailoss," said Skeemo. "We'll help you. Tell us more about this pg. What does he call himself?" |
| "He simply calls himself Trotter." Said the Fox "He paints himself like a Clown, he enjoys killing for the sake of it." |
| "I like your imagery, Sam," said Skeemo. "We'll have a Luau." "The killings were in Las Vegas," Sapphire said to Dr. Tailoss, "so I guess you can't help us much with his location since you live here in Boston." "You are correct," said Tailoss. "I don't know where he stays and I have had no communication with him at all." "How did you even know it was Trotter doing the murders?" asked Sam. "On the news they had a story about a woman who survived an attack and she described a monster pig. I knew immediately who that had to be." "Anything more you can help us with? Otherwise, guys, I guess we better hurry back to Vegas." |
| "Trotter has a very dangerous power." Said the Fox "He calls it his 'Mind Trap' at any time he can trap a single person inside a Mind Trap an inflict whatever experience he likes on them...It will feel so real, it will take all your willpower to realize it is a fantasy." The Fox turned to Skeemo "For instance he can trap you in a fantasy that your floating in the ocean surrounded by sharks, you will feel the water soaking your fur, smell the salt and hear the waves." |
| The fox then looked at Sam. "As for you, he can trap you in a burning building, with that which you care for most." |
| "Mostly when you have been caught in a Mind Trap you have to remind yourself it's not real. Of course Trotter can only put one person in a Mind Trap at a time, and it requires such concentration that he is vulnerable when he does it." Said the Fox |
| "Useful to know," said Sam. "But what happens if you disable him while someone is trapped in the mind thing?" |
| "Good question," said Dr. Tailoss. "I'm afraid that might be an experiment with an unknown result. I don't think it's ever happened before. I can see how it might go either way. Either the person is immediately sprung from the mind trap because Trotter's attention wavered, or..." "Or he goes insane," Sam finished for him. "Possibly. Possibly." |
| "To be honest, I'm surprised that you didn't come to us, or tell us the information over the telephone," said Sam. |
| "Sam!" Sapphire said. "Maybe he can't afford to fly anywhere anytime like we can! Everyone is not wealthy, you know." "Oh, sorry," Sam said. "I didn't mean to imply anything." "That's alright," said Dr. Tailoss, "but she's right. On my income I can't be jetting all over the country. I did call Sapphire on the phone, but she insisted I meet everyone so I could be sure you would get the job done. And I have to say I am impressed. You seem like a formidable trio." "And our associates," Skeemo said. "Maybe you will meet them, too, eventually." |
| On the plane trip back to Vegas Sapphire asked Tailoss "So what's your universe like?" "Not much different from this one." Said the Fox "Not as technologically advanced but still OK." |
| Soon enough, the jet landed. "Your own personal jet," Tailoss said. "One big enough to hold a small army." "A gift from my former father-in-law," said Sam. "He keeps on trying to get us to hire the small army he has in mind for it." "Could use one of those," Tailoss said. "He's got fifty of the best lined up," Sam said. "For a 'Just in case you need help' type of situation. Basically, if I were to get kidnapped, these fifty men would show up to save me, and that's without inviting them." "We haven't had to call them for help yet," said Sapphire. "Yeah, but that's one situation where they will show up, regardless of if we called them or not," said Sam. "Useful to know," said Skeemo. "So, how do we track this guy down?" "I'm going to head to the Bread and Butter Saloon," Sam said. "There's a chance that one of the patrons, or employees, might have seen or heard something." "Are you going to have sex with Susan?" Skeemo asked. "When the job is done, yes," said Sam. "But after I check out the Saloon, I plan on talking to some of my contacts in the underground, and then I'm going to get some sleep! We've been up for at least eighteen hours, and that's not good when you want to catch a dangerous criminal." |
| Skeemo pulled Tailoss aside. "What does Trotter eat?" "What does he eat? That's a strange question. As far as I know just regular meals like you and I." Skeemo looked thoughtful. "I'm just searching for any angles we might have overlooked. If he liked to eat something unusual, it could be a way to find him." |
| "Try the Saloon," Sam suggested. "They always have some strange-looking clients. Some even make me seem normal. As for the food, it's always good." "If he were there, would you use your Honey Bunny friend to help trap him?" Skeemo asked. "Not unless I was in the closet in the room, and armed," said Sam. "The other guy was protecting his daughter, and, mostly, not violent, to say nothing about not being on his guard. This guy, he'd probably smell a trap before she could get the cuffs out, and kill her. That wouldn't please Jerry too much." |
| "I don't think he does sleep." Tailoss said "The experiments on him warped his mind so he doesn't ever have to sleep" |
| "Well, I'll see you guys later," Sam said, as he walked away. A while later, Sam was at the Bread and Butter Saloon, enjoying a good steak. He was in the process of cutting a piece when a set of hands slipped over his shoulders, and down his shirt. "Do you want to have a session tonight?" the person asked. "I'll have to take a rain-check, Susan," Sam said as he got out a photograph. "Have you seen this man here?" Susan looked down over his shoulder. "I can't say that I have." "If you do, call the police, or me, or any other armed person that you trust," Sam said. "He's the fella that's been doing those murders in the paper lately." "You don't mind missing out on this guy's bounty?" Susan asked. "If the Devil caught this man, I'd be willing to shake hands with him, and congratulate him on a job well done," said John. "As it is, I wouldn't risk trying the Bounty Hunter Method on this guy." "I see," said Susan. She then turned her head. "Well, looks like some cat wants me. I'd best bring two sheepskin sheaths, just in case. They offer better protection from a feline's barbs than just a plain rubber." Sam chuckled. "I know what you mean - easy going in, hard coming out." Susan gave him a kiss. "Later." She then removed her hands, and walked up the stairs with a black and white cat. Sam watched her leave, slightly jealous about what would soon be happening between Susan and her client, when someone sat in the chair across from him. "She is rather enchanting, if I say so myself." Sam turned his head slightly, to see the person. It was Mr. Stripes. The tiger crime boss was also watching Susan, although it was more like someone watching paint dry, as opposed to eyeing her like a piece of candy, or imagining what it would be like to be with her, or having sex with her. "She might be available later on," Sam said. "Perhaps," Mr. Stripes said. "Although, I can honestly say that I'm happily married, and I have no need of paying someone. That being said, my wife does get boring on occasion. Maybe I will enjoy her company, or that of one she recommends." "So, what are you here for, if not to enjoy the food, or the women, or men?" Sam asked. "I understand that the incident between you and my son was just business, and business is something I understand," Mr. Stripes said. "That being said, I'm rather glad you took it outside, and didn't do it at the dinner table; my wife wouldn't have liked that." "Understandable," said Sam. "I don't like doing such things at the dinner table." "That being said, I've done my research on you," said Mr. Stripes. "You are an interesting wolf. You had such a promising career in the Boston Police Department, until your wife and unborn child were murdered, and you became temporarily feral. After that, you became something of a mercenary, selling your skills to what you believed to be the right side, even when you were offered more by the other." "Skip to the point," Sam said, with a slight growl. "I'm here to give you a friendly warning," Mr. Stripes said. "That Ambassador you killed had two brothers; one was the one that caused the ambassador to come after you. As for the other, he's sworn to kill you, and mount your head on a wall." "Why are you telling me this?" Sam asked. "Because the man is psychotic, and will use your friends and family to get to you," said Mr. Stripes. "He is a man I wouldn't do business with. Be careful." "Thanks for the warning." |
| Skeemo was in the office with Zzrt, looking over computer files. Sapphire had gone out to eat. "What do you think?" Skeemo said. "We Google for psychotic pig murderer and see what we get." "Too obvious," said Zzrt. "What do you expect to find? His Facebook page?" "Do you think he has one?" Zzrt did a face palm. "I'm being sarcastic. You're not going to locate Trotter with Google." "But it's got all the cool maps and everything." "Yeah, but there is no map with a little arrow saying Trotter the psychotic pig lives here." |
| After talking to his various contacts, Sam went to his apartment. It wasn't anything fancy; kitchen/dining room/lining room combination, with stove, fridge, table, couch, and TV, as well as the bathroom/laundry room. As for sleeping, the couch had a bed tucked inside, and the clothes dresser was right next to it. In short, it was a regular bachelor pad. He flopped down onto the couch-bed, picked up the remote, and turned on the TV. "And in breaking news," the reporter said. "A young woman was murdered, the latest in a series of killings believed to have been committed by a pig-man wearing white makeup on his face, bright red lipstick, and dyed green hair. Here is what the police have to say on the matter." |
| "At this time," said Chief Weinstein on the newscast, "we only have a description of the killer which we are making public. If you have seen this pig or any suspicious activity in your neighborhood, call our toll free number. An alert public can do much to help us catch this murderer." |
| Sapphire meanwhile was eating a crusty roll filled with sardines when she was approached by a Peacock. "Hello Miss." For a Peacock he was unusually shy "My name is Robin...I can help you with the Pig Murderer." "How can you help me?" Sapphire asked "I'm starting to get a sense of what this Pig's pattern is." Robin said "He goes after people who are noted for being model citizens, anyone exceptionally good and well thought of he goes after." |
| Meanwhile, Sam was having a nightmare. He found himself tied to a chair. In front of him was the Ambassador he'd killed. "You took my life," the Ambassador said, as he held a knife to Sam's throat. "Now, I'm going to take yours." "You're not real," Sam said. "You're just a figment of my imagination." The Ambassador grinned. "Is that what you think I am? I'll prove it to you that I'm real." The Ambassador punched Sam in the jaw, and the wolf's jaw, as well as the back of his head started to hurt. "I must have hit my head on the wall," Sam said. "Is that the best you have? Making me hit myself?" The Ambassador punched him again, this time causing the chair to fall over, and for Sam's side to start hurting. "You just rolled out of bed, and onto the floor." "Then why didn't I wake up?" Sam asked. "Do you think I want you awake?" A voice asked, speaking through the Ambassador's mouth. "I'm going to see to it that your own demons kill you." "Trotter," Sam said. "Why don't you wake me up, and face me like a man?" Sam growled. "Because I don't like to fight fair," said Trotter's voice. "Well, I best be off; places to see, people to kill, like your friends, and that cute Honey Bunny you're so fond of." A vision of Susan appeared, tied to a bed, gagged and handcuffed. "My, my, aren't you the kinky one," Trotter said. The pig appeared, and walked next to the vision of Susan. A knife appeared in the pig's hand, and he slit Susan's throat. "NO!" Sam howled in anger, as he watched the blood drip from her. "Relax," said Trotter. "It's just a dream. Of course, if you react this much to a dream version, I wonder how you'll react to the real thing. See you later." The pig disappeared, and Sam was left with the Ambassador, who still had his knife. "How about we start with your toes this time?" he said, as he brought the blade to Sam's feet. "I'm going to enjoy cutting you to pieces." |
| "That's an interesting idea," Sapphire said. "Thank you," said the peacock. "I'm kind of an amateur sleuth. If I can help you in anyway I'll be happy to do it." "You could help us a lot if you could predict where Trotter will strike next." "I doubt if I can do that," Robin said, "But I could give you a list of people I thought were possible targets." |
| (Author's Note: The way the mind trap works is that Trotter has to be in the room with the person he's inflicting it on, if he leave the mind trap ends, so lets just say he kept tormenting Sam for a few more moments before leaving) Just then Sapphire's cell phone rang "That blasted pig used his mind trap on me!" Sam said "But I have his sent! We can follow him!" |
| Skeemo and Sapphire were soon outside Sam's apartment building, waiting for the wolf. "Where is he?" Skeemo asked. "He said to be here as soon as possible. Sapphire's cell phone rang. "Sam? Where are you?" "I'm inside," the wolf said. "I need some help. Room 4C." The two went inside, and after a ride in the elevator, walked to the wolf's door. Sapphire knocked. "Sam, are you alright?" "Password is Annabel," came Sam's voice. Skeemo noticed a security pad by the door, and typed the name in. "What kind of guy uses his dead wife's name as a password?" Sapphire didn't bother to answer, opening the door to find Sam sitting in a chair with wet towels around his legs, and his feet in a bowl of water, steam coming off of the towels and the water in the bowl. "What in the world?" she asked, as she walked up to the wolf. "I'm trying to warm my legs up," Sam said. "They're numb from pure terror." "Pure terror?" Skeemo asked. "You'd be having problems to if you had a dream that was so real you honestly believed that your legs had been cut off," said Sam. "Every time I try to walk on them, I collapse to the ground. I need help getting out, and I know where he's going next." "Where would that be?" Sapphire asked. 361 Oak Street, or, Susan's place," Sam said. "Why would he be going there?" Skeemo asked. "He's after one of Susan's clients," Sam said. "Occasionally, if the client prefers the comfort of a Modern Bedroom, she'll entertain them at her place." "So, who is he after?" Sapphire asked. "Reverend Jones, the priest who has been helping the homeless lately," said Sam. "Why would a Holy Man seek the services of a Honey Bunny?" Skeemo asked. "Just because he's considered a Holy Man, it doesn't mean that he isn't mortal," said Sapphire. "I'm just surprised that you know that he'll be there." "I didn't," Sam said. "I knew she entertained people there, but I never ask for names, unless it's someone I'm looking for. Trotter told me." |
| "Could it be a trick?" Skeemo asked. "It seems like he wants us to find him." Sam said, "He's probably just confident that his mind trap technique will keep him safe. And I'm wondering if he isn't right." Skeemo snapped his fingers. "We need Zzrt with us! He has an alien mind." "That doesn't mean Trotter can't get him too." "It's worth a try," Sapphire said. "I'll call him and have him meet us there. Can you stand up yet, Sam?" |
| "The report said he killed Aliens along with Humans and Humanimals." Sapphire said "OK." Skeemo said "What species is his Reverend Jones?" "He's a Human." Sam said "If he was anything else I would have mentioned that." |
| "Can you walk yet?" Sapphire asked. "I'll try." Sam carefully stood up, but only long enough for his legs to give out under him, almost sending him to the floor, if Skeemo and Sapphire hadn't caught him. "There's a few choice words I have to say, but I don't feel like insulting my mother. Put my arms over your shoulders, and help me out to the car." "Are you sure you want to come?" Skeemo asked. "Damn right I do!" Sam growled. "My arms are still good enough to shoot a rifle, or something like one." "We might need some extra help," said Sapphire. Sam got out his cell phone. "Call Alexander Chovski." The phone rang for a few seconds, until the other end picked up. "Hello?" "Hey Alexander, need some help in catching a dangerous fugitive." "At this time of the night?" "This is life and death. I need the help." "Who's the fugitive?" "The pig that's been in the news." "Shit! Him?! Who's he after?" "Reverend Jones, and possibly the Honey Bunny he'll be seeing," Sam said. "Address is 361 Oak Street. And bring help." "Help? A number of my co-workers are still out of commission!" "Then call your rivals," Sam said. "Two people's lives are at stake here. This is no time for company rivalry stuff. We'll split the bounty after we bring this guy in." "Alright. See you soon." Alexander hung up. "And now, you guys need to help me downstairs." The three soon got to the lobby, only to see several men in suits standing ten feet from the elevator. One of them was Mr. Stripes. "Samuel Blacktail," the tiger said, in a slow deep manner. "I was informed that there was some unearthly screaming coming from your apartment by one of my associates. I hope it wasn't you." "Unfortunately, it was," Sam said. "Now, if you don't mind, I've got some people to save." "Would one of them be that woman you happen to fancy?" Mr. Stripes asked. "You know, your voice reminds me of that British actor, Tony Jay," said Skeemo. "So I've been told," said Mr. Stripes. "As for the other person, it's Reverend Jones. Needless to say, I'm going to help you out." "Now, why would you be doing that?" Sam asked. "Because he is the one who married me and Martha," said Mr. Stripes. "My wife would never speak to me if something bad happened to our pastor." |
| Skeemo drove the Felcanrod van while Sam and Sapphire road in the limousine with Mr. Stripes. 361 Oak Street, Susan's house, was a modest brick home in a quiet residential neighborhood. From the outside nothing appeared out of the ordinary. As he parked the van, Skeemo felt the old familiar feeling in his stomach that he always got when he knew he was walking into danger but didn't know exactly what the danger was. |
| It was at that moment, a dozen vehicles pulled up, the drivers and passengers of each vehicle arguing with those of the others. "The pig is ours!" the people in one car, who were all dressed like rednecks, yelled to those in another, who were all dressed like wasteland biker-types. "No, that pig is ours!" the biker-types yelled back. "The pig is mine!" yelled a Rambo-look-alike. "The pig is ours!" yelled a bunch of men, who were dressed like women, even wearing makeup. "He's ours!" yelled a bunch who looked like SWAT rejects. "We regret to inform you, but, the pig is ours," said a member of a group that looked like Secret Agent Wannabes. "!Ese cerdo es nuestra!" yelled a bunch who were dressed like Mexican bandits. There was even a group of clowns in big honking shoes, and a group of mimes, all of which were arguing with the members of the other groups. Mr. Stripes put a hand over his eyes. "We're surrounded by idiots." "These must be O'Greadly's business rivals," Sam said. "I told Alexander that we'd need help - but I will admit to this - I didn't expect the circus to show up." "Someone's going to have to play the part of the Ringmaster," said Sapphire. Sam groaned. Then, he noticed a cane, which was studded with precious stones and gems, by Mr. Stripes. "Do you need that thing?" Mr. Stripes glanced at it. "The cane has its uses, like when dealing with those who don't like to listen to me, or for when I need to make an impression upon my rivals." "May I borrow it?" Sam asked. Mr. Stripes handed the cane over to the wolf. "Yes, but I want it back, unblemished. Understood?" Sam chuckled. "Of course." "Good," said Mr. Stripes. "Now, given the fact that I might be on someone's Bounty List, I can ill-afford to be seen among a group of Bounty Hunters, but, I'll lend you five of my best, who aren't worth anything on anyone's List." The tiger opened the door to the Limo. "Good luck." Sam stepped out, his legs still wobbly, but the cane held him up. "Alright," he whispered. "Sapphire, stay by me while I try to organize this mess." By now, the scene looked more like a bar brawl than a meeting between bounty hunters. "At least they aren't trying to kill each other," said Sapphire. Suddenly, a loud scream pierced the air, putting a stop to the arguing and brawling. "Temporary Truce!" Sam yelled. "Catch the Pig! Turn him over to the Police! Then we can argue over who gets how much!" At this, the groups gave nods, and moans/grunts/whatevers of agreement, and pulled out their guns. "We have a damsel to save, as well as a priest, and a pig to barbecue!" Skeemo shouted. "Charge!" |
| They entered the house from all sides with the sounds of screams, yells, grunts, and curses. Thankfully, no shots were fired. "Good thing is," Skeemo said, "Trotter can only mind trap one of us." "Stop! Stop!" Sam yelled when they reached the center of the house and saw the situation. Trotter had one arm around Susan's throat and a knife in his other hand. He was laughing insanely. "Hahahaha! Come any closer and the woman loses her head! Hahahaha!" "Don't do anything!" Sam said. "I don't want Susan to get hurt!" |
| It was at that moment that a pane of glass in the bedroom window was smashed in. "What the-" Trotter started to say, just as a pfft sound was heard. The pig jerked in response to being hit by something, and lost his grip on both the knife, and Susan, freeing the woman, who ran over to Sam. Then, the pig fell to the floor, like a sack of potatoes. "Is he dead?" one of the other Bounty Hunters asked. Sam hobbled over to the still pig, and nudged him with his cane. Then, he heard the pig snoring. "He's asleep. There's a dart in his neck. Leave it in for the doctors to deal with." At this, everyone breathed a sigh of relief; sleeping pigs were worth more than dead ones. Sam hobbled over to the window, and looked through the hole, to try and see who had shot the pig. He spotted a figure walking towards Mr. Stripes' limo. Just as he was about to call out, the figure paused, and turned to look at him. A chill went down Sam's spine; it was Mr. Stripes, in the process of placing a tranquilizer pistol into a pocket inside of his suit, or a shoulder harness. The tiger watched him, his eyes calm with a certain level of coldness, as if a farmer just put down a sick pig on his farm to keep the rest from getting infected. Mr. Stripes then opened the door to his limo, and got inside, shutting the door. "Did you see anyone?" Skeemo asked. Sam turned and looked at the rat. "I didn't get a good look." Sam then looked at the rest. "Since the shooter doesn't want to be known, I suggest we all share the reward equally. Skeemo, how much was the reward?" "Five million dollars," said Skeemo. "How many people are here?" "Fifty." "Make that fifty three shares then," said Sam. "That's including the shooter, just in case someone runs into him, or her, Susan here, so that her window can get fixed, and for the Reverend Jones, who came here to try and save Susan's soul, so that he can give it to either the church or some sort of charity." "Um, where is the Reverend Jones?" Sapphire asked. Susan pointed at her bed, and the others looked, but there was no obvious sign of the priest. Sam nodded in understanding. "Alright guys. Let's tie up the pig, and wait outside for the police to arrive." At this, the group got out cuffs, shackles, ropes, and other restraints, and took the pig outside. "So, at a bounty of five million dollars, how does a 53 split go?" one of the Bounty Hunters asked. "Ninety-four thousand dollars, plus change," said another. This caused the first one to nod. "That's a few house payments right there. Can't complain too much about getting over ninety grand. Most of the time I only get a few hundred dollars, maybe a couple thousand if I'm lucky, and we all know where that goes to - bills, rent, groceries, and other essentials. Might take a vacation with this money." "Or, you could use it towards your kid's collage education," said yet another Bounty Hunter. "You know, I've been meaning to do that, but never had the money to do so. Perhaps I'll use half of the money I'll be getting to start a trust fund or something." "So, just where is the Reverend?" Sapphire whispered to Sam. "He was, most likely, hiding under the bed, and, naked," Sam muttered. "As it is, for his reputation's sake, all that we'll say about it was that the pair were visiting each other when Trotter broke in." "That reminds me, did you see who shot the pig?" Skeemo asked. Sam looked over at Mr. Stripes' car. "Let's just say that it would be better if his name remained unspoken at this moment." Skeemo followed Sam's gaze. "Why would he help us out?" "He has his reasons." |
| And so ends the tale of Trotter the Psychotic pig. * * * Felcanrod will now rest for awhile. BBWolf will design the next episode. |
| Hold Music I can show you the world....Shining shimmering splendid tell me Princess now when did you last let your heart decide? A whole new world...A new fantastic point of view, no one to tell us no, or where to go or say we're only dreaming |
| "We've got a new job," Sam said. "Oh?" replied Skeemo. "Don't we get to discuss it first?" "It's a must do job. It's for Mr. Stripes and it is about rescuing a 13-year-old girl. We're the best ones for the job." "OK, Sam, if you say so. Sapphire's out eating lunch somewhere." "She'll go along with rescuing a kid. I wonder what she's eating? I'm kind of hungry myself, but we need to discuss this case." "We could discuss it over some food." |
| Sapphire meanwhile was having Sole meuniere with her latest date The Peacock Man Robin Grayson |
| "This sure is nice," said Robin. "A nice restaurant, good food, some nice wine, and very good music." "And no annoying phone calls about some job, and no one shooting at you," said Sapphire. She took a sip. "That's a good wine." "Um, you did bring your phone, just in case?" Robin asked. "Of course I did," said Sapphire. "Hopefully they won't-" At this moment, the doors opened, and Sam and Skeemo entered. "Do you have a reservation?" the person at the door asked. "Felcanrod and Associate members," said Sam. The person took a look in the registry. "You don't seem to have a reservation." Sam took a look at the person, and grinned a rather unfriendly smile. Then, he whispered. "Do you know an Alexander Chovski from O'Greadly's Bail-Bondsman Association?" The man gulped. "I've heard of him." "Good to know, because I ran into him the other day," Sam said, quietly. "Seems you missed your court date over that little 'I forgot to zip up my fly' incident. I told him that if I saw you, I'd call him." Sam pulled out his phone. "Now, do I make a call, and detain you for him to take you to lockup, or, do you let me and my friend here pass, and I forget to call Chovski for at least a few hours?" The person gulped. "Right this way, gentlemen." As the group walked, Sam pointed at the table that Sapphire and Robin were sitting at. "I see a friend of mine's at this table," Sam said. "We'll sit with them." The person got some chairs, set them at the table, and gave Sam and Skeemo some menus. "Please let me know when you are ready to order." "Do you have Dom Pérignon?" Skeemo asked. "Yes." "I'll have a bottle of that, and Filet mignon, well done." "Alright," the person said. "And you sir?" "Crown Royal with a T-bone steak, well done," said Sam. "Right." The person then went towards the kitchen. "How did you get in?" Robin whispered. "Took three days before they had an open table for me and Sapphire to dine at, in order to schedule us in." "That was Roland Trump, and, not too long ago, he was arrested for indecent exposure at the mall," said Sam. "Seems that he'd forgotten to zip up his pants after leaving the restroom, and had also forgotten to wear underwear, and it seems that a woman saw everything that should of been hidden, and that it seems that something was very happy to see her." "Oh," said Robin, in understanding. "That would be annoying." "Too bad for him, he's a snob," said Sam, as he got out his phone. "Call Alexander Chovski." The phone picked up on the second ring. "Hello?" "Roland Trump is at the Extraordinairement Bien," said Sam. "So, if you want to collect that hundred dollars, make sure that you and your wife dress up nicely, as the guy is a snob." He then hung up. "You're helping another bounty hunter?" Robin asked. "Let's just say that, after the incident involving Trotter, the various Associations have been cooperating with each other more," Sam said. "That guy's worth nothing to me, but he's worth something to Alexander." |
| Sapphire had been glaring daggers at Sam and Skeemo for interrupting her date. Skeemo noticed her intense stare. "Uh... is there something you wanted to tell me, Sapphire?" |
| "That's right," Sam said. He got out a file that Mr. Stripes had given them. "The client is Mr. Stripes." "I thought that we don't do jobs for the mob," said Sapphire. "This is a legitimate job," Sam said. "It seems that his granddaughter, Maria Andalusia Spots, was kidnapped. Thirteen years old, went downstairs for a drink of water, and saw her father, George Richard Spots, get shot, by one William Skies, and his men." "How do we know that?" Sapphire asked. "Mr. Skies sent Mr. Stripes a letter," Sam said, as he got out a letter. "'Hello George. Saw your son working at the Spot's Used Car Dealership. I have to laugh; your son hated you so much, he took his wife's name, too bad he didn't change his face. With any lucky, he's dead, or will soon be. As for the girl, now, there's a cherry on top. You once used that cane of yours to cripple me, and now I'll use it to cripple you. If you do not give me your cane, along with control of your various businesses and assets, I shall see to it that the girl becomes a permanent part of Las Vegas's gamboling scene. Your old associate, William.'" Sam then folded up the letter. "What does that mean?" Robin asked. "Normally, when the mob wants to get rid of someone who knows too much, they's get a five gallon bucket, force the guy to stand in it, fill it with cement, and once the cement hardened, dump them in the river, or lake, or the harbor," said Sam. "Out here, we're shot on lakes, so they come up with the next best thing; they tie the person up, and toss them in what's to be the foundation of a new high-rise, and fill it in with cement. If the victim is lucky, his killers might shoot him, otherwise, well, the victim drowns/chokes to death, or something. In short, it's not pretty." "So, what are we suppose to do?" Skeemo asked. Sam placed the case on the table. "We are to deliver this to Mr. Skies, in exchange for the girl. Mr. Stripes warns that Mr. Skies is extremely duplicitous, so once we get the girl, leave, and keep your guns ready for use." "What's in the case?" Skeemo asked. "Mr. Skies' payment." "But, what is it?" "It's worth more to Mr. Skies than it's worth to us," said Sam. "We're not to open it, until we meet him." |
| Mr. Skies wasn't difficult to find since he was the biggest mob boss in Vegas, but arranging a meeting with him was complicated. He insisted various security procedures be followed which meant Felcanrod had to drive to a specified place, park, and wait for the car that would take them to Skies. "What's he worried about?" Skeemo asked. "He knows we're bringing him something from Mr. Stripes, doesn't he?" Sam shrugged. "Maybe he feels the reason he's survived this long is because he takes all the precautions whether they seem necessary or not. This is the kind of business where overlooking something can get your head blown off." |
| "There's something you need to know," said Sam. "This whole thing is nothing more than a trap, and we're nothing more than the bait." "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked. "There's no money, no deeds, and no jewel-covered cane in this case," Sam said. "All that's in here are father-son mementos, candid pictures of those moments, and photos of Mr. Skies' various crimes, plus a nice little device that transmits sound, receives sound, and tells people where we are. Basically, in exchange for a reduced sentence, among other things, Mr. Stripes agreed to testify against Mr. Skies, in regards to various crimes, including several murders, which will give Mr. Skies the Death Penalty. It also seems that Mr. Strips has photos of Mr. Skies shooting Mr. Stripes's son, and kidnapping his granddaughter, which will be turned over to the police." "What about the girl?" Sapphire asked. "I'll offer myself as a trade," said Sam. "I am worth fifty billion dollars after all. Once you get the girl, get out of there as fast as you can, because there's one hell of a joint-operation going on here, between the police, the various bounty hunter agencies, to say nothing about Mr. Stripes' men, and all of Mr. Skies' various rivals. Once the shooting starts, you don't want to be in the crossfire." "But, what about you?" Skeemo asked. "You just get the girl out of there, and don't worry about me," Sam said. "I've faced tougher situations and won." "It sounds like a suicide mission," said Sapphire. "It says in the Good Book that 'Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.'" Sam said. "I'm trading myself for the kid. Maybe I'll live, maybe I'll die, but I'm going to make damn sure that the kid survives." |
| Skeemo felt his eyes growing wet. "Sam! I can't let you do this!" "Just do what I told you," Sam said. "No, Sam. If Stripes has already testified against Skies, then let's just go in guns blazing and take him out." "You're forgetting about the girl! That's the whole point of this!" "Yes. Right. I'm sorry. I just have a bad feeling about it. I don't want to lose you, Sam." "Quit talking like I'm not going to survive! Geez! Are you trying to jinx me?" "OK, Sam. OK. It was just a shock to hear your plan. Let's do it. I can do it." |
| "Besides, the police have to arrest Mr. Skies before Mr. Stripes can testify against him," said Sam. "If we can get a confession out of him, saying that he shot the younger George, and kidnapped Maria, it will be the nail in to coffin to strap Mr. Skies to the Lethal Injection table, or whatever they use." "Just one question," said Sapphire. "Will Mr. Stripes' son make it?" "His family won't contemplate him not surviving," said Sam. "Now, be quiet - I see the car coming." |
| There were two tough guys in the front seat of the car. One stepped out and held the back door open for Sam and Skeemo and Sapphire. Even though they were sitting three across in the back seat, they were comfortable. It was a big car. They drove for a few miles until they came to a gate in an iron fence which was opened for them by a guard. Then a long driveway and when they topped a hill a mansion came into view. |
| Soon enough, the group was inside the place, being escorted to Mr. Skies' office. "Make sure to memorize the way back to the door," Sam muttered. Sapphire and Skeemo nodded. "What was that?" one of the guards asked. "This is a big place," Sam said. "Reminds me of my father-in-law's home - the place is so big, he lets the household staff live there, along with their families." "How many people are we talking about?" the guard asked. "A couple hundred at any rate," said Sam. "Mr. Smitty spares no expenses - schooling for the children, collage, nice pay, vacations, and that's not including on-site amenities, like the spa." "I wish we had one of those," the guard said. "Quit complaining," said the other guard. "Remember what happened to Mike when he complained." "Oh. Right." After a while, the group entered the office. Sitting at a desk, smoking a very expensive cigar was one William Skies. The human was big, and beefy, with balding grey hair. There was a look to his eyes that seemed friendly, at first, but then, when one looked hard enough, one could see just how evil this man was. Even looking into the depths of Hell seemed pleasant by comparison. "So," Mr. Skies said, his voice slightly hoarse from smoking a daily cigar over the last few decades. "This is the famous Felcanrod. I'm surprised that George hired you for the job. Guess he doesn't have the courage to do this himself." "Where's the girl?" Sam asked. "You don't get anything until we're certain of what we're trading for." Mr. Skies chuckled. "Of course." He snapped his fingers once, and a door opened. A goon armed with a shotgun forced a girl into the room. Sam looked at her; aside from the gag, and the bound hands, the girl seemed alright, but scared. The goon then pointed the shotgun barrel right at the back of her head. "What's with the shotgun to the back of the head routine?" he asked. Mr. Skies chuckled once more. "Insurance policy. Anything goes wrong, my man has instructions to blow her head off. As Richard Boone once said, anything happens, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault - my man here will blow her head right off. Do you understand? No matter what happens, that girl dies. Even if by some fluke of luck the shotgun misses, well, I still have more men to use. So, do you understand me?" Sam nodded. "Now, the case?" Sam stepped forward, and put the case on the ground. Mr. Skies chuckled, and got out from behind his desk. He then walked forward himself. He knelt down, and placed his hands on the case. "In this case, is everything Mr. Stripes treasures." "The very things that dreams are made of," said Sam. Mr. Skies opened the case, and looked at the contents. He then looked at Sam. "Like you said," Sam whispered. "That case contains everything he treasures, the good times he spent with his son is something any father would dream of having with their son. Now, you understand. Anything goes wrong, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault - I'm going to blow your head off. No matter what else happens, no matter who else gets killed, I'm going to blow your head off." "Something wrong boss?" the guard holding the shotgun asked. "You would have to rip off John Wayne," Mr. Skies growled. He yelled, "Kill the kid!" Sam drew his gun, shot, and killed the guard with the shotgun. "Run!" Mr. Skies drew his gun and shot Sam in the chest. Sam gasped for breath, the wind knocked out of him for a second. He then kicked the crime boss in the head, ran, grabbed the girl, and ran out, Skeemo and Sapphire following right after him. |
| Skeemo had his gun out as the four of them retraced their path through the mansion. BANG! A guard ahead of them went down. Then both Sam and Sapphire's weapons fired and more guards fell. "Sam! Are you okay?" Sapphire asked as they ran. "Yeah!" Sam said. "Bulletproof vest! But that bullet gave me a good kick." There was the sound of a helicopter landing outside and they could hear sirens. By the time they reached the door of the mansion the place was under full assault from police, bounty hunters, and rival mob soldiers. A big white limousine pulled up and the passenger window rolled down. "Get in!" yelled Mr. Stripes. He looked at his granddaughter and the ghost of a smile appeared on his face before it reverted back to his usual stern demeanor. Sam, Skeemo, Sapphire, and Maria jumped into the car and it sped away from the battle raging around the mansion. |
| "Is it over?" Maria asked, still holding onto Sam. Sam looked out the window. "It is, at least for you." The girl then looked at Mr. Stripes. "Mr. are you my grandfather?" Mr. Stripes looked out the window. Sam turned his head to look at the tiger, and he could see the conflict within the old mob boss's eyes; the tiger wanted to say "yes" but then he'd have to explain why her father never talked about him. However, for him to say "no", well, it would bring out just as many questions, like why did Mr. Skies kidnapped her, if she wasn't the tiger's granddaughter. "Mr. Stripes here is like the uncle who isn't really an uncle," Sam said. "What do you mean?" Maria asked. "Mr. Stripes here helped to raise your father, teaching him the sort of things that a father is supposed to teach their son, like how to care for those whom you love," Sam said. "But, he looks a lot like my father," said Maria. "Smells a lot like him as well." Sam chuckled. "Okay, let me put it to you like this; regardless of whether or not Mr. Stripes is, or isn't your grandfather, he cares for you and your father to the point that he organized your rescue, and came to make sure that you were safe. That should tell you what you need to know." |
| Maria looked at Sam and he could see by the sparkle in her eyes that she understood how things really were. "Yes, it does," she said. "It tells me all I need to know." And she gave Sam's hand a squeeze. Later, at the office, Skeemo and Sapphire had a moment together while Sam was off talking with Mr. Stripes. "You know," Skeemo said. "That was the most dangerous one yet. When Sam took that bullet I thought he was a goner. And he scared the hell out of me beforehand with his suicide mission talk." Sapphire sighed. "I'm getting too old for this." Skeemo laughed. "You're still young." "No, it's just too much stress. It was different when we first started. I found it exciting. Now it just tires me out. I'm thinking about quitting, Skeemo." Skeemo nodded. "I'd like to act surprised but I can't say I haven't seen it coming. I noticed you haven't been enjoying yourself quite so much lately." |
| "I want to quit while I'm ahead." Sapphire said "Get out of the dangerous life, and start writing children's books." |
| Meanwhile, Sam was talking to Mr. Stripes. "I see that your one driver took Maria to her mother," the wolf said, as the pair rode in another of the tiger's limos. "Yes, and I want to thank you, both for rescuing her, and for not telling her about my relationship to her," said Mr. Stripes. "When she's older, maybe I'll tell her the truth." The tiger chuckled. "Of my three sons, her father is the only one I'm truly proud of. He is his own man - wife, daughter, a good job, and enough money to be happy with. I only hope my other two decide to emulate him, and become independent of me, both physically, and in respectability. He does not need me." "So, what was the issue between you?" Sam asked. "To be honest, I was disappointed, both in the fact that he didn't wish to follow in my footsteps, and in the fact that he was going to marry the daughter of a man who was little more than a mechanic," said Mr. Stripes. "For a time, I refused to call him my son. Now though, I'm more than proud of him. He stands up for his family, and is willing to do what it takes to protect them." "Have you heard about his condition?" Mr. Stripes gave a rare smile. "He'll live, and, with time, and luck, make a full recovery." "So, what was the deal between you and Mr. Skies?" "He used to be my partner, until he stole from me," said Mr. Stripes, gripping his cane. "I gave him a good reason not to do so in the future, and kicked him out. After that, we became rivals, with different philosophies, especially when it came to dealing with those who owed us money, and how they were dealt with when they couldn't pay. Me, I set up a Favor System, you might say; do a job for me, within their capabilities, and I'd knock a certain amount off. Mr. Skies though, if you couldn't pay, he'd dig a hole, shove you in it, and pour cement over you, and thus write you off." "What about now?" "Now, I live up to my end of the bargain I made with the law, and turn myself in," Mr. Strips said. "My deal was, in exchange for my testimony, I'd only have to serve fifteen years. Hopefully I'll be able to spend some time with my great-grandkids, assuming I have any, before, eventually, things take their natural course, and prayers are said over me." Sam nodded. "So, what about you?" Mr. Stripes asked. "Any plans?" "Not really. I've never made any plans for settling down. I spent a long time trying to get myself killed. Now though, I don't know." "If I were you, I'd talk to that Honey Bunny," said Mr. Stripes. "She might be the one for you." "You think so?" "Couldn't hurt to try it out for a while, so long as you part friendly if things don't work out," said Mr. Stripes. "After that, try that girl back in Boston." Sam chuckled. "I've had feelings for her for a long time." "What have you got to lose?" "Nothing really. I guess I could try again." "Good," said Mr. Stripes. "Oh, and one more thing; the name of the man out to kill you is Ricardo Andrés Juan. Like I've said, the man is a dangerous psychopath." |
"I'll remember that," Sam said. "Ricardo Andrés Juan." * * * Felcanrod 2 ends here, but it's not the end of Felcanrod! Felcanrod 3 will continue the adventures of the animal bounty hunters and their associates. |
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