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Anthropomorphic medicine for Critteropolis |
| [Introduction] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Critteropolis is a city of animals, people, and humanimals. It's largest hospital is Holy Humanimal Hospital of Saint Bernard. This is its story... CLICKABLE LINKS -------------------------------- ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ..... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ........ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The Hogfather ..... Reverend Bob ..... Master Sludge |
| "Wooooooooo! Woooooo!" "Not so loud, Jackie!" said the little rabbit's mother. "That's the siren!" Jackie said. "I know," said his mom, "but make it a quiet siren." Jackie lay on the floor next to his toy ambulance. It would be fun to drive a real one like his dad. |
| "Where is Dad right now?" Jackie asked "Could be anywhere right now." His Mom said "As a Paramedic he has to treat all kind of Creatures, Cats and Dogs to Birds and Bees." At the Moment, Jackie's Dad Herman Hopper, was currently helping an Elephant Man who's trunk was stuck in a vending machine after he tried to get his stuck soda. |
| "This is why you always get help before you try this yourself," said Herman. "Now we're going to have get some dish soap, so that we can get your trunk nice and slippery." "You mean, you don't need to get the Jaws of Life?" the elephant asked. "This isn't that bad," said Herman. "Just hold still, so you don't impale the machine with your tusks." The elephant chuckled nervously. "Right." |
| He spent an awkward few minutes rubbing and lathering slippery, sudsy soap all over the elephant's mighty trunk. |
| "Thank you," said the elephant. "I'll be more careful next time." When Herman Hopper got home, his son Jackie came bouncing out to meet him. "Did you save any lives today, Dad?" "Not exactly, son, but some people were sure happy to see me." Meanwhile, Doctor Phineas Strongarm, the well-known raccoon surgeon, was examining the tonsils of a hippo. "Hmmm, yes, those will have to come out." |
| "Oh darn it." Said Hippo "Getting operated on scares the $&#! out of me." "It's not like we're going to remove your head to operate on your throat." Phineas said "One Little Cub thought that's what happens when we remove your tonsils." Before we go on, let's just go over the Humanimal Population Breakdown of Critteropolis. Critteropolis is a City founded by Humanimals, in the wilderness of California, 50 percent of the total Humanimal Population is known as the Big Four, the Four Most Common Species in Critteropolis are Domestic Dogs, Domestic Cats, Mice (By this we mean the standard House Mice, other species fall under 'Wildlife' or 'Exotics' see below), and Rabbits, (By this we mean the European Rabbit, either Wild, or it's various Domestic varieties, all other Rabbit Species are once again either 'Wildlife' or 'Exotics') The next third of the Humanimal Population is standard farm animals, mostly Cattle, Pigs, Sheep and Chickens...Goats, Donkeys and Domestic Ducks and Geese are rarer. The Remaining Third are the various wild Animals, who then to congregate, in the most urban parts of Critteropolis if they are Exotics they are mostly likely immigrants or children of Immigrants, as the Exotics consist of all wild species not native to North America, Wildlife on the other hand, is all the Wildlife Native to North America in including the Native Mouse and Rabbit species |
| "Why, just yesterday I almost lost my arm trying to perform a divorce on an angler-fish couple!" He sighed as if reflecting on the better aspects of his youth. "Good times, good times..." |
| "How much is this going to cost me?" asked the hippo. "An arm and a leg," said Doctor Strongarm. "Hahaha! Forgive me. Just a little medical humor. You have good insurance. I'm sure it will pay the whole bill. Now let's get those tonsils out, eh?" |
| "Could be worse," his son said. "You could still be a farmer back in Sicily." "You have a point there," said the father. |
| "But the other point is this," Gasped the Hogfather with a Boston accent the weight of your average neutron star. "I need you to find the cheese-thief that robbed me, and go all Tolstoy on him your typewriter. You got that, kid?" "Ah, yes, Father," His son nodded gravely. He felt behind and picked up a type-writer, badly dented and with one corner still encrusted with brain matter. "Just like I did to Charlie when we found out he was a squealer." "Wha-no!" Hogfather reached around to the other side of the bed and pulled out a sub-machine gun. "I mean this kind of typewriter, ya' dummy!" "Oh; sorry Dad..." |
| "I know you're nervous, son, about taking over the organization," said the Hogfather, "but I've told everyone that my spirit resides in you and they are to obey you just like they would me." "Thanks, Dad, that's very poetic." "I could have been a poet if I had been born in a different place at a different time... but I am what I am and let's be happy with that." |
| With that the Hogfather passed from this world to the next. Meanwhile Herman Hopper had gotten another call, there was Bear Cub who had accidentally drank rat poison |
| "And I think that this calls for the Himelick!" He struck a pose, one fist in the air, chest puffing out- before leaping into the ambulance. "Weeeeooooowwww! A-weeeeoooowwwww! Herman Awaaaaaay!" The ambulance took off, leaving two orderlies behind to stare at each other. |
| That night the Son of the Hogfather had a disturbing dream. He dreamed that the spirit of his father really did reside in his head and that he had to share his brain with his father. When he woke up, he was shocked to discover that it was true. "Dad! What are you doing in my head? You need to pass on to the next world." "I enjoy this world too much, son. I told you my spirit would reside in you. Now I want you to call a meeting of the elders of the Porcini family. They must be made aware that now you, Figlio, my beloved son, are the Hogfather." Right after breakfast, Figlio Porcini went to the Holy Humanimal Hospital of Saint Bernard and asked to see a brain specialist. When asked why, he explained that his deceased father's spirit had taken up residence inside his head. He was referred to a psychiatrist. |
| "You have Dad-in-the-head Syndrome," said psychiatrist Ted Bufo. "What's that?" asked Figlio. "It's the belief that the spirit of your dead father is inside your head." "But he IS inside my head. He talks to me. He tells me to do stuff." "You are hallucinating," said the toad psychiatrist. "I'll prescribe some anti-psychotic pills for you. Take one every 12 hours for a week and if your father is still in your head, then come back to see me." As Figlio Porcini was walking away from the hospital, his Dad momentarily took control and made him toss the pills in a ditch. "Why did you do that?!" said Figlio. "That toad's a quack. And who is he to talk about hallucinations? Did you know he sells skin licks?" "Skin licks? What's that?" "If you lick his skin you get a psychedelic effect, meaning, ta daaaa, hallucinations!" "Is that even legal?" asked Figlio. |
| "Then show me his body!" Shouted Hogfather grandiosely. Figlio sighed; his father could have been an excellently terrible actor, as well as a poet and a farmer. |
| That evening Figlio presided over a meeting of the Porcini elders. There were three of them, all very old men: Luigi Porcini, Mario Porcini, and Frank Porcini. "Hey, Figlio!" Frank said. "I remember you in diapers. Now look at you, all grown up and trying to be the new Hogfather. I can't stop seeing the diapers." Figlio scowled. "You're looking at your Depends underwear, Frank. Maybe you need a fresh pair." Mario and Luigi laughed. "Hey, Frank, the boy has a mouth on him, huh?" "I've got an announcement to make," Figlio said. "The Hogfather's spirit is alive in my head. We are sharing a brain now." "No way!" Frank said. "I never heard of such a thing." Inside Figlio's head the Hogfather told him some secrets about Frank. "Well, it's true," Figlio said, "How else would I know about-" And at that point Figlio leaned close to Frank and whispered a few secret things into his ear. Frank's face reddened. "It's true! Hogfather! Get out of that boy's head! Go on to Heaven like you should! Porco Dio!" Inside Figlio's head, the Hogfather said: Tell them about the mouse! |
| The elders groaned at this. "That would be a waste of time," said Frank. "Odds are that he's either retired, in prison, or dead." "The other families would laugh at us if we tried to start up an old feud," said Luigi. "Why, even those who follow us would probably refuse to follow the order." "And then there's the law," said Mario. "I'm not anxious to tangle with the FBI, especially in my old age." |
| "Getting soft, are we, eh Mario?" Growled Figlio. "'We'?" Asked Luigi, scratching his head. "Since when did you use the plural, Fig?" "Sorry -it's my Dad-in-the-head Syndorme acting up." Said Figlio. "And anyway that's Mr.-Boss-Figlio-Sir, to you. At any rate, listen carefully now. You wanna know why my dad can't go to Heaven?" "Well, it was the first place that came to my mind. The exact location doesn't really matter-" "It's because he has unfinished business!" Figlio put fist to table. "He can't leave until I catch that mouse, and get back out every cent he took!" |
| Mario waved his hand like he was disgusted. "Fine! Fine! Let's hear about the mouse." Then in a mutter he added, "Cosa idiota preoccupazioni per un mouse?" Figlio rubbed his hands together contemplating the start of his first big project directing the family. "Dad says the mouse's name is Arlo Mozzarella. He's a cheese vendor now. Back then he was into many things not to be publicly sold. We are to destroy his business and make sure he knows it was the ghost of the Hogfather come back to haunt him." |
| The elders groaned at this. "Let bygones be bygones," said Mario. "It's not like he's a rival in our line of work. It would be one thing if the business was a front for something, but if it's just a business, it doesn't feel right." "We could send some of the boys over on the excuse that the mouse owes us money," said Luigi. "The problem comes when the mouse realizes what's going on and decides to shoot under the counter at the goons," said Frank. "Remember Sal, got blasted away with a sawed-off 12 gauge. Storekeeper had his hands under the counter, but Sal either didn't know, or care, because he wanted his money. That bastard storekeeper kept that thing loaded, and pointed it right at Sal's middle. Next thing you know, mile long parade to the cemetery, and six feet under." The others nodded their heads at this. "You're dealing with someone who knows the playbook," said Mario. "Now, if we were to send in those Japanese fellas, then things might be different." |
| "I'm not asking for a lot here, anyway," Said Figlio. "I just need someone to drive by and throw a 'cocktail through the window." "So, these imports of yours, then?" Said Luigi, turning to Mario. |
| "My boys from Zipangu? Sure, we can use them." Mario stood up. "Allow me to make a phone call. And can we have another bottle of that excellent wine?" "Certainly," said Figlio. Surely the Zipangu boys could burn down a cheese shop with little effort. |
| Meanwhile the Mouse Arlo was not dead, he was 100 years and still doing fine thanks to his diet of organic food. |
| "I think I'll lock up for the night," he said to himself. The day had been slow, and he wanted to go home, and spend some time with his new, and much younger, and highly active, wife. "If her loving don't kill me," the mouse muttered. "Nothing will." |
| He sighed to himself cheerfully, turned, and began twisting his key in the lock, listening for the familiar click. What he got instead was a bang as molotov cocktail smashed through the front window of his shop and exploded. |
| "Merda!" shouted Arlo the mouse. "What son-of-a-bitch should try to burn me down?" He toyed with the idea of running back into the shop and trying to extinguish the fire, but he could see it was already spreading and after all he was a 100 years old and in no condition to play hero. Then it occurred to him that his fire insurance was up to date and the shop was old and needed repairs. "Hmmmm..." said Arlo Mozzarella and looked around to make sure no one saw he was there. Then he walked off towards his home while the shop burned fiercely behind him. "With that insurance money I will take a trip to Hawaii and perhaps never come back. My young wife loves the beach." Meanwhile, Figlio Porcini was sleeping and had a dream where his father shook his hand, kissed his cheeks, hugged him, and then walked off up a golden stairway to heaven. When Figlio woke up, his father was no longer in his head. Now he, Figlio Porcini, was the one and only Hogfather! As he lay in his bed, he put his hands behind his head and grinned. (Hogfather sequence ends here, folks! Let's get something new going.) |
| Back at Humanimal Hospital, The Ambulance arrived with a severely burned Rat-Man "What happened?" Asked Dr. Quack the Mallard "Fire on main street."Said Herman Hopper "No one knows what caused it." |
| As nurses fluttered about prepping the patient, Doctor Quack was urgently studying a clip-board. "Sever burn injuries... Do you know what this means, Doctor?" Quack asked conspiratorially. "Indeed I do, Doctor," Quack whispered back to himself. "We shall have to operate..." "....On his brain!" |
| Herman Hopper shook his head sadly. Sometimes he almost regretted driving the ambulance that brought patients to the hospital, especially when Doctor Quack was on duty. |
| "Uh doc- you're going to be doing some skin grafts, not brain surgery," said Hopper. |
| "Oh?" Quack looked crestfallen. "Really? Very well, then, I suppose that we had better get on with it..." |
| Even though Quack was a quack, he did know a few things about how to cure patients. "We'll use some unburned skin from his tail for a graft," he told his assistant, a turkey named Barnaby. "Uh, yes sir, hyuck, hyuck," Barnaby said. Dr Quack winced. He couldn't stand his new assistant, but it was the fifth one he had had in three weeks and the hospital administrator was getting impatient with him: What's wrong with you, Quack? You don't seem to get along with ANYbody!" Fortunately, the rat man's burns were confined to his feet and legs. He had run out of the burning building with a wet blanket around him, but he had been barefoot. It was quiet in the Operating Room. Just the familiar exchange between nurses and doctors. QUACK: Nurse! Clamp! NURSE: Here, Doctor. BARNABY: The top of his tail or the bottom of his tail? |
| Sure enough, the Puma now looked like a naked mole rat, but it looked like the fire that burned off his fur had been very fast and not damaged his skin much. "Did you have any kind of flammable chemical on your fur?" Herman asked the Puma. "Uh... well yeah.. kind of. See, I was at a party, a costume party, so I had spray painted myself with glue and stuck glitter to it. It went off like a flash bulb. Whoomp! Spectacular, man!" |
| When Herman Hopper got home that afternoon he found his son Jackie playing with a toy ambulance. "Look, Dad! Just like yours!" "It sure is," Herman said. "The same color and everything." "I'm going to be a sparrowmedic like you when I grow up!" "That's paramedic, son. Sparrowmedics work in a specialized branch of ornithological medicine." |
Herman Hooper took a big nap while deep in the heart of Critteropolis, a Group of Humans who called themselves the Church of Purity decided they would go kill some Humanimals |
| "Filthy varmants!" Said one of the Followers "We need a better plan to rid the Earth of these abominations!" "Fortunately I do have a better plan." Said Reverend Bob "We will blow up all of Critteropolis!" |
| "There's a number of humans that live in the city though," said one of the members. |
| "Why do you think I want to blow it up?!" asked Bob, rubbing his nose. He sighed. "A human who sleeps with animals is an abomination even worse than animals themselves! Really, Brother Dolphus, sometimes I wonder if you ever pay attention at our meetings. But, in any case, I still haven't gotten to just how we will cleanse Critteropolis..." |
| Brother Dolphus had a fleeting moment of doubt. Was Reverend Bob insane? But no, Bob wanted to kill all the animals just like Dolphus did, so Bob could not be crazy, could he? |
| But then again, Dolphus thought. I got a cousin who lives there, and he and his wife are humans who do not lay with animals. What about the others who live there only because it's the only place with homes that are affordable for them? |
| Brother Dolphus kept worrying about whether he should or shouldn't kill all the animals until he was a nervous wreck. When he fell over on the street in a faint, someone called 9-1-1. The ambulance arrived with paramedics Herman Hopper and Paul Panda on board... HERMAN: This is a human! Why does no one ever check which ambulance they are calling? PAUL: Well, we can't leave him here. We'll take him to the hospital and let them sort it out. So it was that Brother Dolphus woke up surrounded by humanimal doctors and nurses. At first he thought he had died and gone to Hell, but then his mind took a different turn... DOLPHUS: It's a sign from God! I can't kill all the animals! They are kind and helpful. Reverend Bob must be stopped! DOCTOR: What's he babbling about? He doesn't have a fever. HERMAN: I think somebody better sit down with him and hear him out. I've heard of Reverend Bob and his Church of Purity. This could be big." |
| "I don't know what to do," said Dolphus. "Bob wants to destroy the town, but there's innocent humans in town." |
| Nurse Jeffrey was exhausted from a long shift after the earlier fire, and from putting up with Dr. Quack through much of it. As it was, he still had only the vaguest idea of what was going on. "Stay calm, stay calm," he said placatingly to the agitated human. "I'm sure that he has his reasons for wanting to blow up the city..." |
| Nurse Jeffrey was indignant. "Doctor Quack! Blowing up the city is wrong no matter what the reasons are!" "Oh!" said Quack. "Oh! Oh! That's what I meant. What did I say?" Nurse Jeffrey felt another headache coming on. Brother Dolphus felt dizzy. He could almost swear his doctor was a duck and his nurse was a rat. Maybe somebody slipped some LSD into his coffee. |
| "Sure." Said Nurse Jeffery "How about we prepare you a nice sedative..." "No!" Said Brother Dolphous! "I need to get my family of of here!" "OK." Jeffery said "How about we get you some coffee instead?" |
| Quack quacked appreciatively at Nurse Jeffrey mole rat's quick thinking. You had to hand it to those rats. When it came to making decisions, they were not mice. Now, if a mouse had to decide something, he would twitch and... "Doctor?" Brother Dolphus interrupted Quack's thoughts. "What?" quacked Quack irritably. "Uh... you had a glazed look in your eyes." "A duck can daydream, can't he?" "Aha! So you ARE a duck!" "What? What? Oh! I'm not supposed to be?" At that moment Nurse Jeffrey returned with the coffee. |
| "Wait! Won't you have some nice coffee first?" Jeffrey called after the fleeing human, chasing him with a sopping mug. But as hot coffee inevitably splashed down his back, Brother Dolphus only yelled all the louder and ran all the faster. |
| He was stopped at the door by one of the big rhinos that acted as security guards. "Where ya going, patient? Are you having a reaction to your meds? Back to your room, please." Dolphus trudged back with a rhino right behind him. "Here's your coffee!" said Nurse Jeffrey with a big smile. "Is there anything in it?" Nurse Jeffrey wasn't all that great at lying, so it sounded a little strained when she said, "No! Why would anything be it? Land sakes, what an idea!" After Dolphus finished the coffee, he passed out. "Whew!" said Nurse Jeffrey. Meanwhile, at the Church of Purity, Reverend Bob was worried. Brother Dolphus was missing and hadn't been seen for hours. "Call the police and the hospitals!" he told Brother Bartholomew. "I already did," Bartholomew said. "Except the Humanimal Hospital, of course. He wouldn't be there." Reverend Bob tapped his chin. Either he has run away, he's been kidnapped, or something terrible has happened. I don't like any of those three possibilities." |
| Just then Veranda Bob felt a pain in his stomach "Hold everything boys." He said as he rushed to the bathroom, apparently the canned Ravioli he ate earlier was not good |
| "He was rambling about blowing up the city earlier, remember, Doc?" He said, rather exasperated, as Dr. Quack gave him a mystified look. |
| "Oh! Oh!" said Doctor Quack. "Then call the police. Why haven't you called the police yet? Somebody call the police!" Soon the wheeeee.... of a siren could be heard in the distance. The officers were two hound dogs named Mick and Jake. They were identical twins from the same litter and did everything together. They were always assigned to the same car. "What's this about a plot to blow up the city?" Mick said. Nurse Jeffrey pointed at the sleeping Brother Dolphus. "Him!" Jake rubbed his chin. "Uh oh! A human. We'll have to handle this one with kid gloves, Mick." "Right, Jake!" |
| If Rev. Bob felt his day was going poorly, he might have been comforted to know that he was not alone. Tired, nervous, coffee-stained, and under the weary of two (ick!) humanimals, Brother Dolphus was fast on his way to the police station. |
| "Get me out of this thing!" yelled Reverend Bob. Brother Bartholomew's mouth hung open. "Gee, Reverend Bob, how could you get stuck?" "I don't know how, you moron! Do you think I was trying to get stuck?" "But what should I do?" "Go get some butter and some big soup spoons. We'll grease my ass and pry me out." |
| "I think we should go to Home Depot, or Loews, and get what we need from them," said another follower. "They have lots of stuff." |
| (Um, Twiga, how the hell is he dead?_ "Just get some grease..." Bob sighed. "Also, a tow-rope wouldn't hurt." Soon, one minion was slathering lubricant all over the priest's rear, while the other got a firm hold on the rope and prepared to yank. |
(Twiga had killed him off and I had to revive him. Reminder, folks: Do not kill major characters unless it's part of the story!  )"Ready, Reverend Bob?" asked a minion. "Just do it!" Bob said. One minion looked around for a hidden camera. "Are we shooting a NIKE commercial?" With a mighty pull on the rope there came the sound of a cork being removed from a giant bottle of champagne and Reverend Bob went sprawling. "Now get out!" he yelled. Meanwhile, Mick and Jake had delivered Brother Dolphus to Detective Arizona, a coyote. Detective Arizona had Dolphus placed in an interrogation chair with a bright light aimed at him. "Now talk!" Arizona barked. |
| Meanwhile in nearby, Barepaw, a Cuttlefish Detective was ready to finally close in on Bob and stop his cult forever |
| "Just need someone on the inside to get me what we need," the detective said. "But who?" |
| His chromatophores flickered through the rainbow nervously -flashing bright purple as his phone rang. Detective Arizona was on the other end, and soon Barepaw was wondering if an insider hadn't just been dropped into his lap after all. |
| By the time Detective Arizona had carried Brother Dolphus over to see Detective Barepaw, Brother Dolphus had been made aware of the role he was to play. "But I will be a traitor!" "Would you rather spend twenty years in jail?" asked Arizona. "Show me how to betray Reverend Bob," said Dolphus. |
| "Here is a wire." Said Detective Arizona "To avoid suspicion we're going to put it where no man would think to look...In your underwear." |
| "Just... Go inside, talk about your big plans to destroy the city, get some incriminating evidence," Barepaw gave the reluctant Brother a push towards the church. "Off you go! Oh, wait, would you like a cyanide pill in case you get captured?" |
| "For Bob's sakes no!" said Dolphus. "I have a fear of self-imposed death." When Brother Dolphus walked into Reverend Bob's office, Bob let him know how irritated he was. "Where the heck have you been? I got stuck in the toilet and the goons yanked me out so hard I'm sore all over. How are our plans for the destruction of Critteropolis proceeding?" "Just what I want to talk to you about," Dolophus said. "I'm not clear on a few points." After they had talked for about an hour on the details of Bob's plan, there was a commotion in the outer office. Bob's secretary rushed in. "There is a SWAT team here to see you, sir!" Thanks to the wire worn by Brother Dolphus, Arizona and Barepaw had plenty of evidence on Reverend Bob. Bob would not be a free man again for a long time. As a reward for his help, Brother Dolphus was let off with a very light sentence. The Church of Purity was disbanded and all its assets were seized. It never again posed a threat to the citizens of Critteropolis.  |
A few weeks later, Herman Hopper returned home tired "What's the matter Honeybun?" Asked his wife "There was a fire at a wedding." Herman said "An Elephant was getting Wed to a Kangaroo." "Ugh!" Said his wife "What would their children look like?" "Like this!" Said Jackie holding up a picture. ............... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ................ |
| "Was the fire severe?" asked Mrs. Hopper. "Was anyone hurt?" "The fire wasn't too bad," said Hopper. "It was the stampede out onto mainstream during rush-hour and the subsequent twenty-eight vehicle pile up that damaged the construction site that caused a crane to fall and smash into the reservoir that really got our goats." |
| "Oh no! Not the goats!" said Mrs, Hopper. "I love goat cheese!" "Not real goats!" Herman said. "It's just a figure of speech." "Oh! So the goats are okay then?" "As far as I know." |
| Mrs. Hopper looked through her mail "Oh!" She squealed "The Zootopia Philharmonic Orchestra is coming to Critteropolis to Play!" "What's an Orchestra?" Jackie asked "A wonderful thing!" Mrs Hopper said "A Band of Musicians that play all kinds of Instruments!" ............. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ................... |
| "Oh, but darling! We have to go. It may be years before we can get another opportunity like this again!" |
| Jackie jumped up and down. "Daddy, I want to see the orstra!" Herman laughed. "OK, I guess we will have to go then. And Jackie, it's pronounced orchestra." "That's what I said! Orstra!" |
| "Ah, Hoppie, always so cautious. Don't worry yourself, dear- I already bought us tickets." |
| You could feel the excitement in Critteropolis the night of the concert. Animals who could play instruments well were rare and the Zootopia Philharmonic was one of the best in the country. "Daddy!" Jackie said. "Why are the seals playing violins instead of horns?" Herman patted his son's head. "That's only in the circus that seals play horns, son. In a serious orchestra it's the big cats that play the horns." The conductor tapped the podium with his wand. "For our first number, we will perform The Flight of the Bumblebee by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov." |
| But then suddenly and without warning The Pig who played the Trombone collapsed before the Music started "Trotter!" Cried Crash the Monkey "Oh Trotter! Why did you eat all those Cookies before the concert?!" Herman knew the Pig had had a Heart Attack, know he was going to be a star on stage |
| "A doctor's work never ends," the rabbit muttered. "Honey, call the hospital; tell them to send an ambulance, now!" |
| Okay, keep calm, keep calm... Hopper rose and began fighting his way towards the stage. Now how do I handle a heart attack victim, again? |
| "I'm a doctor," Herman said as he climbed on stage. He knelt by the prostrate pig and felt his pulse. "An ambulance is on the way," he told the conductor. "Do you have any pillows or blankets?" |
| "Well, if we can get his heart started up properly again, a blanket can keep the cold of shock from finishing what the heart attack started." |
| The ambulance arrived and two gorillas loaded the trombone-playing pig onto a stretcher and hauled him out. Herman went with him, stopping to tell his wife and son where he would be. "Oh, Herman! Do you have to?" said his wife. "Oh well, if you have to. We'll come to the hospital after the concert." The conductor was tapping the podium with his wand. "Thank you everyone for staying calm and remaining in your seats. Richard is on his way to the hospital and we wish him well. For our next number, we will play Swan Lake, but without the trombone part." |
| "Clear!" said Herman. There was a loud zap as the defibrillator fired and Richard Trotter's body flinched. Herman checked the pig's pulse. "Let's try that again." |
| Hereman then saw that the pig had a pulse. "Keep the defibrillator on standby." |
| Richard's eyes flickered open. "What happened?" "It's alright," Herman said. "You had a heart attack. You're in an ambulance on your way to the hospital right now." "I knew I should have gone on a diet. Oh well, too late now." "Just rest. We're pulling into the hospital receiving area." |
| "Another day, another dollar," Herman muttered. "I hope I can get a ride back." |
| "I heard that," said the ambulance driver. "Hop in. I just got another call and my route will take me past the concert hall." Herman clapped his hands. "Hot dog! My lucky night! Let's go!" |
| "Then give me a lift," said the Dachshund. "I'm going to K-Mart." "Sorry, but only authorized medical personnel are allowed to ride in an ambulance." "Then I am offended again!" said the dog. "Is there no end to it?" Herman arrived at the concert just as the last number was beginning - Peter and the Wolf. "Oh no!" Herman groaned. "Not that old chestnut. I've heard it a hundred times." "I haven't, Daddy!" said Jackie. |
| Nurse Bulima Fatbottom was a hippopotamus. She took up a lot of room but she was a very good nurse. The newer, less-experienced nurses often came to her with questions. One night Nurse Bulima was sitting in the nurses' rest area with her feet propped up to ease her swollen ankles when a young kangaroo nurse named Jennifer Jumper hopped in with a question. "Two porcupines got into a fight and now a bunch of their barbed quills are interlocked! We can't separate them! What should we do?" |
| "Make sure that your hands are protected from getting stuck themselves," said Bulima. "Then, get some wire cutters, and pliers." |
| "Yes?" said Nurse Jennifer. "And then?" "Isn't it obvious?" said Nurse Bulima. "you use the pliers to hold each quill that is a problem while you use the wirecutter to cut it off." "Thank you, Nurse Bulima!" It wasn't 3 minutes later that another young nurse ran up, a badger named Sally Swiftr. "Nurse Bulima!" said Sally. "I've got a squirrel with his head stuck in a peanut butter jar. What do I do?" |
(Author's Note: Twiga, Bulimia is the eating disorder. Bulima is just a cool-sounding name like Jemima.  )Master Sludge was an angry pile of shit. Nothing good has ever come from an intelligent, angry pile of shit. |
| (Oh...Sorry my bad) Master Sludge wanted to conquer the world but he couldn't step out of the sewer because the Sun would cause him to dry, harden and crumble...He needed a plan to make the world go dark for him to take over. |
| "I think the city needs some professional plumbers or something," said Herman. |
| "You're right about that," said the driver. "You should see the things that creep out of the sewers late at night." "Don't tell me about them," said Herman. "I don't want to have nightmares." Herman arrived at the concert just as the last number was beginning - Peter and the Wolf. "Oh no!" Herman groaned. "Not that old chestnut. I've heard it a hundred times." "I haven't, Daddy!" said Jackie. |
| Master Sludge meanwhile was beginning his plot to darken the sky so he could take over the world, first he would need to get every volcano in the world to erupt at the same time... |
| "Hmmm," thought Master Sludge. "This is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought." The concert ended. Jackie was happy. Herman was tired. The Hopper family went home and went to bed. Meanwhile, at the Saint Bernard Humanimal Hospital, a hyperactive sloth was being wheeled into the emergency room. "What's wrong with me, doc? What's wrong with me? This ain't right! I'm jumpy as hell. I can't sit still. I always gotta be doing something. Always on the go. Always on the go. It wasn't supposed to be like this, doc. You gotta help me!" |
| "How much sugar have you been eating?" Asked the Doctor Meanwhile the Senate made a landmark case. "Now Vertebrates could marry Invertebrates." |
| (Guys, I'm injured. We just missed a chance to have every volcano in the world erupt in time to the cannons on Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture) The inquisitive senator was immediately lynched by an angry mob. Meanwhile, in a hospital far away... "Doc-doc-d-d-d-d-DOC!" buzzed the terrified sloth. "You gotta help me, Doc, gotta help me! I-I-I--" "It's alright- you're going to be alright," said Dr. Quack. "Excuse me, Nurse? I'm going to need some sedative. I'd say.... Yes, enough to kill a healthy bull elephant." |
| Nurse Jeffrey was indignant. "Dr. Quack! That's far too much sedative for this size animal!" "It is?" Quack said. "Then I was just kidding, of course. Hahaha! Give him the proper dose, Nurse Jeffrey. I trust your judgment." As well you should, you old fraud! thought Nurse Jeffrey to herself. She wondered how many patient's lives she had saved by keeping a close eye on the wacky medicine practiced by Dr. Quack. |
| Master Sludge realized that in order to activate all the volcanoes in the world he would need a few things. |
| "Most importantly, I need a book of music, to keep things in time," Sludge said. |
| "Oh it is most excellently sublime!" he continued, "to be an intelligent giant ball of slime!" In the dead of night he excreted himself into the mail slot of a music store and searched for the most appropriate book of music. His search led him to http://music.volcanoisaband.com/ which he quickly rejected, but https://youtu.be/i4Iuc-N0Xbw looked very promising. |
| "Unlike the former, this is certainly not drear!" he gurgled, before looking around wearily. "Only, how to get it out of here?" |
| "Aha! A window is near!" Master Sludge opened a window at the rear of the store and poured out into the night with the volcano music tucked neatly into his moist folds. "Now to invade a bookstore and get some poetry... or perhaps a library would be a better source." |
| "One doubtless sells the esteemed Setter, but I bet at its counterpart I could get some Yatest and Hassics." Master Sludge mused to himself. After reflection, he began oozing his way down towards the Classics Bookstore. |
| Soon Master Sludge had collected a number of poems... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** More than he needed really... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** But he liked all of them. |
| Meanwhile some heroic Dung Beetles named Beulah and Bernard had been watching Master Sludge and planned to stop him |
| "We're going to need to call in the whole family," the one said. "That's a lot of crap right there." |
| "There's no shit we can't handle," said Bernard, thumbing his phone. Soon, two large busses crammed with their extended relations were rolling down the lanes of the night-time city. |
| Cars swerved away from the busses as their odosr drifted across the highway. All the windows on the busses were open and many of the dung beetles had their heads stuck out yelling at strangers. Dung beetles tend to be a rowdy lot. |
| "Alright," the one said. "We've got shit to do, so let's take care of this crap!" |
| Bernard and Beulah set up headquarters at the Holiday Inn. Soon the dung beetles were driving the other guests crazy with their loud noises and obnoxious smells. The manager approached Bernard. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am going to have to ask you and your party to leave. You're annoying the other guests." "What?!" Bernard said. "That's outrageous! We paid in advance for our rooms!" "I'll refund your money, sir." "What about my pride and dignity? You have insulted me!" Beulah grabbed his arm. "Let it go, Bernard. We'll have our money back and find a different place." |
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