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 |   MaryLou & Stevie moved in together! Can they coexist peacefully? Let's find out.... |
| [Introduction] Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music." -- Angela Monet  Stevie and MaryLou hear the musicSay hello to Chompy!...But don't get too close! hehe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| hehe I get the first word! raspberry to my partner in mischief, Stevie! I'm annoyed with him anyway! He threw me outta the house butt-naked! and only because I had taken a bubble bath with his stash of Sierra Mist. Rude, aye? Geez he's so touchy about that dang water!! Good thing for me that I don't mind running around the house naked. The neighbors all think he and I are insane anyway and don't pay no never mind to us anymore. But still! The way I rolled around, naked, in the front yard, alternately screaming and giggling, you'd think SOMEONE would have looked at their window, right? But no! Darn Stevie made me stay out there all night! But once morning came... mmmmmm well I won't talk about that! hehe |
| A brand new campfire! Smell that great "new campfire" smell? Yummy... What? MaryLou's post? Well, let's just say that MaryLou has a VERY active imagination! It's going to be up to you to sort out the reality from the hallucinations. Excuse me... MaryLou! Who are you talking to? You and I are the only ones in this campfire right now. I'll admit it might eventually get read by somebody else, but meanwhile, could you come back inside and put your clothes back on? And you're going to buy me some more Sierra Mist. I'm not going to pour your bathwater through a strainer just so I can drink it. Besides, it's lost all it's fizz. What is Sierra Mist without its fizz? Reader, you see the problems we're going to have? Oh well, fortunately I like to write and am not to particular about who I hang with. Later... |
| You see how he treats me?? Imagine a man telling a woman to put her clothes back on!!! Lucky for Stevie I enjoy being submissive to my man. I wasn't going to mention what happened after he let me back in the house, but since he was soooo mean and hurt my vanity, I will! I loaded up my super soaker water gun with the remnants of the Sierra Mist bubble bath water and chased him around the house, squirting him until he was soaking wet. Then, of course, he had to take his clothes off! And....well I'll let Stevie tell you the next part! hehe |
| Yes, reader, I realize these aren't the same clothes I was wearing before, but that doesn't mean MaryLou isn't hallucinating. I just felt like a change of clothes. A coincidence. For some reason, living with MaryLou, I often feel like a change of clothes. And you wouldn't believe the amount of laundry I have to do?!! Not to mention the cleaning and the cooking?! Yes, it does seem odd, doesn't it, that if she is "submissive", I am doing all the housework. I haven't figured that one out yet, either. Okay, my super soaker is full. Now where did she go? MaryLouuuu.... Where arrrre youuuuu..... |
| ya right! As if I was gonna tell him where I'm hiding! I know I'm ditzy sometimes (well maybe most of the time} but even I'm not that stupid! Besides, we've played this hide and seek game often before. And Stevie knows darn well I always hide in the same spot (behind the living room curtain}-- I dont want him to take too long to find me, you see? AND Stevie does not do all the housework!! Actually the only thing he does is cooking! and thats only because he claims I tried to poison him with the roast beef I made for him months ago. So don't let him fool ya, okay? He says I'm the one that hallucinates, but that just not true! He just likes to play the martyr, and try to get sympathy from other woman. He's such a dog!! |
| Woof! Hmmmm.... Don't tell me she hid behind the cutain AGAIN for the 99th time! Zheesh! That girl knows NOTHING about Hide-and-Seek strategy. You'd almost think she WANTED me to find her. And now I have to play dumb, looking everywhere but there, so she won't lose right away and start crying. WOMEN! Geeee.... I wonder where MaryLou coud be? I've looked EVERYWHERE.... AHA! THERE you are! *squirt* ... *squirt* ... *squirt* ... Take that from my powerful, masculine, fluorescent green and pink SuperSoaker weapon! |
| *knock knock* I'm peering in the window experiencing major SuperSoaker envy. And it's freakin' hot out here. I wanna get wet too!! Can I play? Huh, can I, can I??? |
Sure ya can Athena! Come on in and disrobe, cuz we prefer nekkid water gun fights.  Hey, Stevie! Didja know Athena is a belly dancer? If you're nice to her, and dont throw her outside if she touches your Sierra Mist, maybe she will give ya a dance! It's 3pm, and I just woke up. So don't expect no brilliant flashes of humor right now. |
| I don't ever expect any brilliant flashes of anything... but dang if I don't get flashed anyway. Hello, Athena. Belly dancer, eh? You realize that MaryLou wants me to make some lewd remark? She is hoping I'll proposition you. Better yet, from her viewpoint, if I just grab you and throw you on the floor. Just kidding! No need to back away like that, reaching behind you desperately trying to find the door knob. MaryLou! I think I'm scaring our guest! Here, Athena, take my supersoaker. MaryLou is hiding behind the curtains. Give her a good long squirt. If your aim is good, she'll squeal like a puppy stung by a bee. |
| *squirt squirt* Got her!! MaryLou, I think you need to find some new hiding places! Well Steve I don't mind propositions OR the floor (except for those darn rug-burns.) Don't worry I'm not touchin' anyones cherished Sierra Mist... but I dunno MaryLou, it sounds like Steve needs to cut back on that stuff don't ya' think? Maybe we should confiscate all his Seirra Mist and see what happens... |
| Uhoh that could be dangerous, Athena. Stevie gets very irate if anyone even looks at his Sierra Mist. Just last night, I did what you suggest, I used up all his Sierra Mist to take a bubble bath. He retaliated by throwing me outside nekkid and making me stay there all night! (psst dont tell him, but I LOVE it when he does that!) But we can nab his stash again if you like. Just be warned there's no telling what he might do. He could make you belly dance nekkid for all the neighbors! But hey, they're a generous lot; you might pick up a few bucks! |
| Money from OUR neighbors? Toothless Joe and his 7 hound dogs on the left side. Welfare Molly and her 7 kids on the right side. Or maybe you were thinking about Ernie who lives in the cardboard box under the bridge? Of course, there is always Snake across the street, but I don't see his Harley in the yard right now. Let's face it. Athena is about the nicest neighbor we got, and she's a hootchie-cootchie dancer, so I guess she's as broke as the rest of us. But one day, MaryLou, when you sell that mystery novel you been working on for the past seven years... (It's a "mystery" all right.) Or when I finally get my Chicken a la Sierra Mist recipe perfected... Meanwhile, we got our ebay sales. That reminds me, Athena. You got any old underthings you can part with? No need to wash them... |
| Athena went home to collect her dirty lingerie. She'll be back soon, Stevie. Meanwhile..let's check to see how your old socks are doing on ebay. |
| Socks are up today on ebay! The bidding is intense ever since I put in the link to Writing.com! Isn't that amazing? When they thought I was a toothless old degenerate trying to make a fast buck by selling dirty underthings, they just refused to bid! But now that they know I am a writer! Why I think I could even sell my clean underwear and make money! Athena, I've already prepared the way for your stuff. I put some "teasers" on my ebay site: "Local belly dancer evicted from mobile home. Must sell underclothes fast. Sorry. No time to wash." That ought to get some lips smacking and turn a few noses our way! Welcome, aboard, Athena! MaryLou? I'm running out of storage boxes. Do you have an old pair of your shoes I can use? |
| Alrightie here's the pile. They've been sittin on my floor for awhile, and my dogs have been sleeping on 'em so they've got a lovely potent aroma - oh and don't forget about the fleas. Hopefully they'll get me something on ebay - (probably more than I make doing my hootchie-cootchie dancing at least,) or I'll be wandering the streets with my 2 dogs, 3 cats, 2 birds and 4 boa-constrictors. And that would be a real pain. |
| Awwwwww Athena, you don't got to worry bout that! I'm sure Stevie wouldn't mind if you and your pets could crash here for awhile. We've got a spare closet you could have. No charge! Really! Even your boa constrictors are welcome! Stevie likes exotic animals. Did you know he keeps a shark in the swimming pool? |
| You're welcome to stay here, Athena. And you know she was just kidding about putting you in the closet. MaryLou will be in the closet. You get the bed! Sure, boa constrictors are welcome. Anything sleek and curvy is welcome. I don't know about those birds though. They aren't the kind that holler all the time, are they? "PRETTY BABY! HELLO! PRETTY BABY! AWWWWWK! HELLO! HELLO!" I already hear enough of that from MaryLou. |
| yeah, yeah, you WISH I'd call you 'pretty baby,' Stevie! But forget about it, it aint gonna happen! Not with those hairs hanging a mile outta your nose! geeeez! every hear of trimming scissors??? Which reminds me, I had a dream the other night: Your nose hairs came alive, and wrapped themselves around my throat and began strangling me! ewwwwwww |
| What a pleasant dream... I dreamed you were running around my house naked screaming, "Squirt me with your SuperSoaker, Steve! Please! Please! Squirt me, big boy!" Then I made my nose hairs grow two feet long and tickle you. You laughed and laughed... How about that slam we got in your "Share Your Dreams" In&Out? "My dream is for Steve and MaryLou to shut up." Heehee... Don't they know that only inspires a person to keep on talking? What number are you on the top 100 reviewers list now? I have a feeling you must have slipped back a notch. Did you? Tsk-tsk... Too much sleeping when you should have been reviewing... Has Athena taught you to do any tricks with your belly? Other than that thing you do where you eat an entire watermelon at one sitting. I think I'll put watermelon juice in my SuperSoaker. Do you like feeling wet and sticky but sweet enough to lick all over? |
| My bird is a dove. He cackles at you and dive bombs your head. i hate him. But hey, Steve if you ever get around to trimming those nose hairs could you save them for me? They'd make a good nest for him.  |
| I thought it was only female birds that worried about 'nesting'? Or are the male doves exploring their feminine side? I've been trying for AGES to get Stevie to do that! But his idea of 'feminine' is sitting on the couch in a housedress, watching Oprah and eating bon bons. Men! I wish I was a praying mantis. hehe |
| As the old saying goes, when you start praying, hell will freeze over. Then we could go ice skating with the devil. I think birds share the nest-building job. Sitting on the eggs, too, right? Penguins are cute. Think you'd prefer a penguin to a dove, Athena? It's not a "housedress", it's a smock. And I know I wasn't eating bon bons. Okay, I WAS watching Oprah. Bon bons have always been a mystery to me. I don't ever recall seeing a candy in the store called Bon-Bon, and yet I see the name all the time. Have you actually eaten them? Where did you get them? Have you eaten Charleston Chew? Sugardaddy? Black Cow? Sky Bar? My favorite candy bar is Three Musketeers. It's simple, yet soft and appealing. Like my smock. |
| FYI Stevie, I have had a Charleston Chew and Sugardaddy, but I always preferred the SugarBabies. Strange, I don't recall there being a SugarMomma. Hmmmm why's that? But my favorite candy (not that I eat much of them cuz I got to keep my girly figure, ya know?) is Reeses peanut butter cups! mmmmmmmmm yum yum! 'Fraid I got some bad news for ya, Stevie.  . Poor Athena got busted in a raid down at the No-Tell Men's Club, so she's gonna be MIA for awhile. Unless she happens to draw a judge partial to belly dancing. Well, let's hope for a quick release!Now, I gotta run Stevie. Snake across the street is gonna give me a ride on his Harley. Don't know when I be back, so cook your own dinner! Laterzzzzzz hehe *runs out the door* |
| Don't worry about dinner. I already have a Gorton's Garlic Butter Shrimp Bowl in the microwave. Athena busted? I guess that can happen when your bust is part of your business. Yeah, I know they call them "belly" dancers, but have you ever heard a guy say he was a "belly" man? The big attractors are T,A, and L. And sometimes feet. And I knew an "elbow" guy, but most women found him rather odd, except this one girl who had a hyperactive funny bone and just would not leave him alone. The strange thing is that women spend all that time with make-up working on their faces. What they should be doing is exercising their body and working out at the gym. Maybe the Arabs have the right idea. Put a veil on it. I guess you are glad I am not one of those "body" obsessed men, what with your *cough cough* and your *cough cough*? I like faces, particularly eyes and mouths. Noses I am indifferent to, except to occasionally check them for nose hairs and general cleanlines. How about those people with no nose hairs? It must drive them nearly crazy in the summertime, what with the gnats having a clear channel right into their head! Thank God for nose hairs! I don't know how many gnats I have dragged out of there, buzzing their wings in frustration at being denied entry to the inner sanctum. Am I dominating the conversation? So how about you? Did you enjoy your Snake Ride? Eaten any good watermelons lately? |
| Yes, Stevie, I am VERY glad that you're not one of those 'body obsessed' men with my *cough cough* and my *cough cough* -- did I also mention my *cough cough*? On the bright side, I think I've got pretty nice eyes and mouth. My lips are what is called 'full' and every time I see my sister I thank the Goddess for bestowing them on me! Sis' lips are thin, very thin, to the point of nonexistence. Eyes -- "pools of sunlight trapped in a dark, dark wood" - I read that description of a woman's eyes in an Agatha Christie novel, and realized it fits my own eyes perfectly! Gold, green, and brown -- sometimes together and sometimes alternating. Pretty cool! Your comment about makeup -- I TOTALLY agree! It does seem rather incongruent to me that women will spend so much time on their face and none on their bodies. Me, I spend no time on either. But, hey, I'm consistent! I hate makeup ewwwwww. That reminds me - I really need to get back to work on my story, "The Great Makeup Rebellion." My Snake Ride - Yes, I did enjoy it very much, but dang it Stevie, couldn't you show even a little jealousy? Geez, how this gonna work out, if you let me run wild with the Snakes? geeeeezzz again!!!! Okay, well I'm through catching up. I'm gonna go isolate myself in my 'closet' now and get to working on my studies of Tarot and magic. Btw, could ya please not leave your extracted gnats all over the dining room table? We have to eat on that thing! And I'm tired of disinfecting it three times a day! Gosh, you make me tired! And run to the store to get me a watermelon! I feel like having another watermelon juice/power soaker fight later this evening. |
| Just what exactly are you doing in the closet with that Tarot and magic stuff? You aren't cooking up any love potions in there are you? You know how frightened I am of love potions. Sure, I'll go get a watermelon. Maybe Snake will ride me down to the 7-11 on his bike. Snake has LOTS of nose hair. That's handy for him because he doesn't wear a helmet. That's why he blinks so much, from hitting all those bugs when he rides. You really think I should be jealous of Snake? I figured because he only has seven teeth and his belly contains half of his total body weight... I don't know... I just thought he might not be your type. But there is no accounting for taste, is there? Yes, I have always liked that you are antimake-up! Cool! You said today your eyes are "gold, green, and brown - sometimes together, and sometimes alternating". You didn't eat any dried mushrooms, did you? It sounds to me like you are very close to visiting the Spirit World and having a long conversation with a Druid. Which brings us back to magic. What are you mumbling about in that closet? |
| Shhhhhhhhh Stevie! I told you before I agreed to move in, that you must never, never, NEVER disturb me when I am performing magic in the closet!!!! Unless, of course, you are ready for a watermelon gun fight. That is the ONLY exception! We need to work on these ground rules a little more, methinks. As you told me, I don't disturb you when you're in the 'reading room' do I? Not that I would want to. When you go in there, I stay as far away as possible! ick But don't worry about love potions. Those kind of spells are unethical for people to perform, and I am VERY ethical in the magic I do. Besides, why would I need one? You ALREADY adore the ground I walk on. Now, leave me alone until I get through with my magic! Dang it, I'm gonna have to start all over again. |
| Sorry, didn't mean to disturb your card tricks. I didn't accidentally kill the rabbit, did I? Sure, I love the ground you walk on. It just seemed to me I was getting hints from you that you wanted me to shift my attention from the ground to up a little higher. But that's cool. You have very interesting footprints. So we even have ground rules? What's this fascination with the ground? I see it either as a desire to "return to your roots" or maybe it's just an interest in the "dirty" side of life? Or maybe you feel you are being "ground up" in the daily "grind" of life? Gee, so many choices. This is why my career as a self-taught psychoanalyst was so rmbarrassingly short. On the other hand, it did get me that job as a celebrity nose-swabber. That was an interesting job. Julia Roberts has boogers you would not believe! But enough about glamour. Let's talk about you... |
| Now I might be offended by your little slap about my glamour, or lack of it, but for that I know you don't like glamourous women! Ha! About moving up from the ground thingy, I said that cuz I know all about your little foot fetish you got going on! I know you have one cuz why else would you lick my toes all the time? If you knew just where I had been stepping, you might think twice..but then again, you might enjoy that too! hehe Let's do sumpin romantic tonight, Stevie sweetie. How bout I cook a nice pan of lasagna (it's the only thing I know how to make) and you gets us a bottle of wine from the likker store. I'll get out the candles and the music and we have us a nice dinner! How that sound? Then later we can fill up the hot tub wif some bubbles! |
| Oh my! You really had me going there until you got to that part about farting in the bath tub. It's not that I mind the smell so much, but all that methane in a room full of candles? Methane gas plus open flames? That's just asking for trouble. So I propose either we lose the candles or lose the farting. It's your call, because I think it will still be romantic either way. And that hot tub thing has the bonus advantage that if I soak in the tub long enough, maybe I can finally get some of this motocycle grease off my arm that I got from Snake's Harley when I rode to the 7-11 with him to buy a watermelon for you. So I say yes, let's get romantic and eat a ton of lasagna. That's full of cheese, isn't it? That should make some great bubbles! |
| Good lawd, Stevie! Never mind now! You just ruined everything with all your nasty talk! geez! a poor girl tries to be all romantic and sexy and what the man do? Act like he belong in a cave somewhere!!!! I'm goin in the backyard now to pick some magickal herbs. And don't you even think about following me, you methane-producing Neanderthal! |
| Women! Look at her out there picking weeds for her magic show. Gosh, I thought a plate of lasagna was pretty romantic. I don't see why she should be so upset just because I pointed out the methane risk. What did she want to do? Blow the roof off the bathroom? Yeah, that would really be romantic, wouldn't it? Oh well, maybe she will still cook the lasagna, even if I did kind of put the plug in that whole gas party thing. I just didn't know she felt that strongly about making bubbles in the tub... |
| Dang it Stevie! I never said nuttin bout the bathtub! That was all you! I only mention the hot tub. If you promise to not say things like that anymore when I's tryin to be all lovey-dovey like then I still make some lasagna tonight. Deal? I think Snake been filching my herbs. He must be thinkin them those kind of 'illegal' plants. What a dope he is! Btw, did you know that grease on your arm is in the shape of a Griffin? How very cool! Don't ever wash it off! |
| Wha's wrong wid yo talk, MaryLou? You is talkin' all funny like. Like you ain't got no sense no more. You didn't get into those herbs, did you? You promised you were going to do your "magic" in the closet, not out in the yard. You remember what happened last time you did magic in the yard, don't you? You ran around naked all night screaming, "Get out yo SuperSoakers, boys, and squirt me a good one!" As you said when you apologized to the neighbors: "The way I rolled around, naked, in the front yard, alternately screaming and giggling..." But if you can keep a lid on the "magic", I can put a plug in my "gas talk", and then we can all be happy again and eat lasagna. You know it's my favorite. I accidently smeared the grease on my arm. Now it looks like a giraffe. Is that still cool? |
| Oh so thats how you gonna be, huh!? You told me you wouldnt ever try to stop me from doing my magic or complain bout it neither before I moved in heah! And now you tryin to renege, huh? Well, it aint gonna work! So you just hush before I turn you into a toad, mister Stevie! *stomping around in kitchen* Stevie!!!!! We aint got nothin here to make no lasagna! No pasta, no sauce, no cheese, no meat, no nuttin! You tole me you were gonna bring me home some grub today! Geez, why you always make me go raid old Miss Ethel's kitchen??? You know she's only half blind, she's gonna figure it out soon! Alright you lazy dog. I'll be back soon. Go outside if you feel any of that methane comin on!!!! Grrrrrrrrr |
| Ah, she's going to Miss Ethel's! That always works out well. Last time she came back with a fresh-baked apple pie. Miss Ethel's a good cook. Good thing she's got a bad memory and is half-blind. Wonder what she thinks? "Lawsy! I sure thought I baked an apple pie and set it on the sill, but there ain't nuthin there now!" Oh boy! here comes MaryLou with a sack full of goodies! |
| Oh Stevie love! We hit the jackpot today! Miss Ethel had just had couple hundred dollars of groceries delivered! While she was paying off the delivery person, I nabbed a couple of the bags and took off! Let's see what we got here. |
| You know, it's too bad Miss Ethel doesn't buy Sierra Mist... Hey, look at this! More Gorton's Frozen Garlic Butter Shrimp Bowls. Alright! Vanilla wafers, tomato soup, Oysterettes, Souse, Grits, SugarBabies... What else is in there? |
| Well, we dang sure aint got the fixins for lasagna, that for sure! I must have the first aid bag over here. All I've got is visine, band-aids, Dr. Scholl's, Oil of Olay...what she need that for? The woman is ninety, for chrissake. Oh wait....thats this? Oh wow! It's some bubblebath, Stevie! Let's go turn on the hot tub and dump it in! |
| *grins* You've been trying to get me in that hot tub all day! Sure, turn on the tub. We might not have any food, but at least we have bubbles. |
| Yeah, yeah... Just let me soak awhile and rest... Mmmm, so warm and relaxing.... zzzzzz..... zzzzzz...... |
| dammit, that man has fallen asleep! He always ruin all my romantic attempts! Why, oh why, did I hook up with a man twenty years older than me? He won't even bring home any food! Geez! At least the cavemen always did that! Aww look at him there! His old gray beard shining in the dim light. He looks kinda like an angel when he's sleeping. So sweet! WAKE UP, YOU OLE LAZY DAWG!!!!!!! |
| Later.... Huh! Whuzzat? Who turned the hot tub off?! It's cold! *listens for answer, none comes* Yeah, like I don't know... Hmmm... What time is it? Geez! Almost dawn! Let me get back into my shorts. MaryLou must be sleeping. .... What's that blue light down the street? *looks out window* Hey! That's Miss Ethel's house! I better go see what's up. Later..... MaryLou! Wake up! Miss Ethel's been mudered! |
| mudered? whaaaaaaa? You musta been dreaming, love. Here jump back in the bed so's we can spoon |
| No, it's no dream, MaryLou! The police cars are still down there. Did you see anything odd down there when you snagged those two bags of groceries? Omigosh! MaryLou... We've got two bags of Miss Ethel's groceries in our kitchen! Wait, wait. Don't let me panic. If anything is said about it, we'll just say we asked her to pick up a few things for us. Okay? |
| mmmmmm okay Stevie Can I go back to sleep now? I was having a wonderful dream that Sean Connery and I were relaxing in the hot tub. But then he fell asleep...so I yelled at him to wake up.. Hey! Wait a second..... That was you! |
| [A loud knocking is heard at front door] MaryLou! It's the cops! You get dressed while I answer the door. *opens door* Yes? COP: Good morning, Sir. Sorry to disturb you all, but there has been a homicide down the street. Did you know Miss Ethel? STEVE: Yes, yes. I heard about her death. A wonderful old lady. We'll miss her. Any idea what happened? COP: That's why we're talking to the neighbors. Did you hear or see anything last night? STEVE: Last night? No, I slept like a baby... an innocent little baby. Hahaha! Just a deep sleep. That's a shame about Miss Ethel. COP: Does a "MaryLou" live here? STEVE: Uhh... Yep! She lives here. Just moved in recently. Just a roomate. We're not married or anything. Just sharing the rent... COP: May I speak to her? STEVE: Sure. MaryLou? MaryLouuuu! Can you come out here? |
| *appears half-clad* MaryLou:What? I'm trying to get dressed! Oh, excuse me officer. *graps a blanket to wrap around her* MaryLou: You wanted to talk to me, Officer? Officer: Yes, have you heard about what happened to Miss Ethel? MaryLou: Oh, yes, Stevie just told me about it! He was very upset. Officer: Did you hear or see anything last night around 2:20 a.m.? MaryLou: Only Stevie's snoring. He's like a freight train. Especially when he sleeps in the hot tub. Officer: What? MaryLou: Oh yeah, he feel asleep in the hot tub last night so I just left him there *giggles* *Officer gives Stevie a strange look* Officer: And what did you do after 'Stevie' fell asleep? MaryLou: Ummmmm let's see. He feel asleep about 9:30 and I was hungry so I fixed me one of those shrimp bowls I had gotten from Miss...I mean from the grocery store. Then I watched TV for awhile and then went to bed! Officer: What time was that? MaryLou: Oh heck, I don't know. Maybe about midnight. Somewhere around there. Officer: And Stevie was still sleeping in the hot tub when you went to bed? MaryLou: Yes, cuz that's when I turned it off, right before I went to sleep. Officer: Okay, I think that's all for now. We might have to talk to the neighbors again. MaryLou: Sure. You have a good day, Officer Hunky. |
| Don't you gripe at me! Why did you tell him that I am "just a roommate" ?! *throws pillow at Stevie* |
| *deftly catches pillow* I was just saying that you weren't my wife. What did you want me to tell him? You're my sister? My cousin? My daughter? I figured he was probably curious why we were together. So? What shall we do today? Look for a job or figure out where the heck we are gonna get groceries now that Miss Ethel is dead? Say, who do you think killed her? I hope it wasn't anybody that lives around here. Snake looks tough, but I don't think he would kill anybody. Ernie under the bridge seems harmless. Toothless Joe? Welfare Molly? I can't imagine any of them killing anyone. Say, who was that friend of Athena's that was here a few days ago? Didn't all three of you visit Miss Ethel? |
| Uh huh! I see what you up to, you ole dawg! You tryin to scapegoat me! No, we did NOT go visit Miss Ethel! And you better not be telling that hunky officer that we did. Why do you think it has to be one of our neighbors what killed her? Miss Ethel had lived here forever and everyone loved her! At least, everyone loved that she was hard of hearing and half-blind. No, really, she was just the sweetest lady. It musta been some outsider what done it. Yeah, that's gotta be it. Get groceries from? Now Miss Ethel gone, there won't be anyone TO get grub from! Snake only buys beer, welfare Molly's food stamps only last a coupla days among those fourteen brats of hers, Toothless Joe only eats baby food, and as for Ernie-under-the-bridge - ya right! dammit, look like we gonna have to get a job, Stevie! grrrrrrr |
| A job! Ohhhh noooo!" Well... I guess I'll go steal a newspaper and check out the want ads. *eyes light up with inspiration* Hey! Since Athena got busted, maybe you could get her old Hootchie-Cootchie job? You have a nice belly. And your *cough coughs* are nicely shaped, even if they are kinda *cough*. |
| So I can get busted next? You tryin to get rid of me, Stevie? I only been here a week! I know you can't be tired of me yet! It always takes at least three weeks for someone to get tired of me. And besides, love, you know I only am hootchie-cootchie with you |
| Well, I'll be looking for a job, too, of course. What are you saying? You don't want to help out? You don't think I'm some kind of traditional man on a power trip wanting to do all the work himself, do you? I'm New Age, baby. It's all about "sharing"... |
| Oh so NOW youre New Age huh? You weren't last night when I was doin my magic in the closet! sound like bullcrap to me! oooo ooooo I got an idea! *jumps up and down* I could make Fairy Homes and sell them at the craft shows! And maybe some dream pillows too! Oh that'd be great! |
| If we weren't broke I would poo-poo your idea, but since we are broke, I guess we have to try anything. I wish I had some more underwear to sell on ebay, but I already sold all of yours and mine. Maybe we could have a yard sale? Miss Ethel's house is full of stuff and now that she's dead, she certainly isn't going to miss any of it. What do you make fairy homes out of? Walnut shells? Match boxes? Discarded beer cans? |
| Sell Miss Ethel's stuff? Sure Stevie! thats a WONDERFUL idea! You walk over there and ask the policeman when we can start moving her belongings out of there, okay? durrrrrrrrrrrr and Faery houses are made out of wood, of course! They have to be painted and decorated real sparkly like, cuz faeries are attracted to glitter. We'll get the wood from that old shed of yours. And maybe we can snag some shiny stuff from Welfare Molly's house. With all those brats running around, she must have some glitter and paints and crayons etc etc So what about you? what you gonna do, you ole lazy dawg? *goes sits in Stevie's lap and nuzzles his neck* |
| I'll tell you what I am going to do... *stands up to pace the room... MaryLou slides to the floor in a heap* I think I'll run for office. It's an election year, you know, and that means there will probably be an election. I'll make a lot of posters... And you can help with that seeing as how you are so handy with that paint and glitter... And we will put up posters all over town. "Vote for Steve!" Then I'll go wherever there are crowds of people and make loud speeches about how much better things will be when I am elected. What do you think? Is that our meal ticket? |
| *glares at Stevie from the floor* Hmmph! The only thing that'll be better will be your wallet being fatter! Not that that's a bad idea..... *jumps up from the floor* That does sound good! Most people dont vote anymore today anyways..and the ones who do are the ones who think they know what's going on, but really have no clue! I think you could win! Now if we can only do something to get rid of that ole codger, Mayor Buttkiss! hmmmmmm |
| I have a fiendish plot in mind. Since you'll gladly sit in the lap of any male that's still breathing, why don't we arrange for you to seduce Mayor Buttkiss? Then we can have a nice sex scandal right before the election and I'll be a shoe-in! Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to say "shoe". I meant I'll be a "sure thing". |
| Oh that is not nice AT ALL! You know darn well that it's only YOUR lap I want to sit in! But, of course, I'll do whatever I can to help you win, my love! *giggles* But....how can I seduce him when you've sold all my sexy lingerie?? Do you think Miss Ethel mighta had a little freak in her? |
| I don't think wearing Miss Ethel's granny bloomers would be particularly erotic. At least, not to me, but there is always somebody, isn't there, who gets turned on by something, no matter how odd it is. Hmmm... How to seduce a man? .... You know, I just realized my seduction skills are extremely limited. Actually, I've always been an advocate of the Nike approach to love. Just do it! But Mayor Buttkiss is not a subtle man. I'm sure just the sight of you would arouse his interest. Then all you would have to do is follow his lead. But I find I can't really allow it. It's not that I am claiming ownership of you. Don't think that. It seems to be some kind of biological instinct at work. Don't share your mate, or something like that. Who knew it applies to room mates? Got any other ideas? |
| Awww, you don't want to share me? Oh, Stevie! YOU DO LOVE ME! *falls back on the ground and hugs Stevie's ankles* I've got an idea, love! I've got a friend who's really good at splicing video tapes! So all we's got to do is go to one of them there sexy video stores and buy one. then we can get Jethro to fix it so it'll look like Mayor Buttkiss on it! How's that sound? |
| Excellent idea! Old Jethro is a whiz at that electronics and computer stuff! Only problem I see is that he is gonna want something in exchange. And what do we have to give him? What do we have... *hand on chin, eyes shift to look at MaryLou* |
| *staring out Stevie from the floor* I KNOW what you're thinkin, you ole filthy dawg! *bites his ankle* Well forget about it! Mayor Buttkiss is one thing, but I aint gonna have his cousin/wife Ellie Mae comin after me! That woman is scary! Unh uh aint gonna happen! Besides, Jethro would only want money or some pecuniary benefit. So give him a job in the Mayor's office if you win. *cough cough* I'm still waiting for you to say you love me! |
| [The scene shifts to Jethro Tull's TV, VCR, and Flute Repair] JETHRO: Howdy, Steve! You got something needs fixing today? STEVE: Yeah, my life. JETHRO: Har! Har! I reckon I can't do nothing about that. You better get yourself a new one. STEVE: That's what I'm gonna do, Jethro. I'm gonna run for mayor in the election. JETHRO: And beat out old Buttkiss? I don't think so, Steve. He knows a lot of people and you... You don't know ANYBODY, do you Steve? STEVE: Well, the main thing is that they are gonna know ME! MaryLou is gonna make a lot of posters and hang them up all over town. JETHRO: She is? I can't figure why a sweet fox like her would do ANYTHING for an ole dawg like you. STEVE: She's a little twisted, Jethro. She likes old dogs and kinky sex, so I fit nicely into her lifestyle. JETHRO: You? Kinky sex? HA! I remember you never had a date in high school. You been living by yourself in that old shack until MaryLou moved in. When did you become so "kinky" and "sexy"? STEVE: You'd be surprised how "kinky" a guy can get living by himself. JETHRO: Har! Har! Har! I know what you're talking about. I ain't always been married, you know. STEVE: Yeah, I know. You lucked out with Charletta. She's a good one. [Phone rings --- Jethro picks it up] JETHRO: Hello? Yeah. He's here. Steve? It's MaryLou. Wants to talk to you... STEVE: What's up, MooLoo? |
| MooLoo: Stevie! omg! the police were just here, wanting to confiscate all your shoes! I tole 'em you only had the one pair, which you was wearin right now. So they's lookin for you, love!!! Steve: Why's they want my shoes? MooLoo: Seems they found some shoe prints 'round Miss Ethel's house and want to compare them with your shoes! Steve: Did they take your shoes, too? MooLoo: No. Steve: Why not? You was over there, not me! MooLoo: Cuz my prints were only at the front of the house. These others were outside her bedroom window. Besides, they're too small to be my footprints. What we gonna do, Stevie? *begins to cry* |
| MooLoo: No, I tole them I didn't know where you were. But I don't think they believed me! You know how bad I am about lying convincingly. What you gonna do about the shoes? Stevie, WERE you over there??? |
| No, of course I wasn't over there! But what if someone "borrowed" my shoes that night? You stay put. I'll be back in a few minutes. Bye. |
| *scene shifts back to Steve's and MaryLou's shack* *Steve enters the door; MaryLou runs to him and throws her arms around him* *blubbering* Oh Stevie! I'm sooooo scared! It's just like when my ex Bubba had the police sniffin around over those set of tools that came up missin at his job! |
| Now, now... Relax. We didn't kill Miss Ethel. We've got nothing to worry about. [Knocking on door] STEVE: Uh-oh! Loooks like they're here already. [Opens door} Yes? DETECTIVE: I'm Detective Hunter. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? STEVE: No. Come on in. How about a glass of Sierra Mist? DETECTIVE: No thanks. Actually, it's your room mate that I want to talk to first. STEVE: MaryLou? Sure. She's here. MaryLou! MARYLOU: Hello. DETECTIVE: You were friends with Miss Ethel? MARYLOU: Friends? Well, I knew who she was. More neighbors than friends. DETECTIVE: Did you visit Miss Ethel often? MARYLOU: No. Hardly ever. DETECTIVE: One of Miss Ethel's other "neighbors" says that you visited Miss Ethel at least once a week, sometimes twice. MARYLOU: Well, I guess it depends on what you mean by "often". I did see Miss Ethel occasionally. DETECTIVE: The neighbor says that you would usually be carrying a bag or two with you when you left Miss Ethel's house. Grocery bags, apparently full of something. What was in the bags? |
| MaryLou: Groceries, of course! Detective: Why were you leaving her house with groceries? MaryLou: Because Miss Ethel knew me and Stevie having a hard time right now, so she was sweet enough to give us a few groceries from time to time. She was a wonderful woman! *starts to cry* |
| DETECTIVE: Do either of you have any idea who might have murdered Miss Ethel? STEVE: No idea at all. We loved her and I think everybody around here did. DETECTIVE: I wonder if I could take a look at one of those shoes you're wearing? STEVE: My shoes? Uhh... Yeah, I guess so. Sure. [Steve removes shoe, hands it to detective] DETECTIVE: Hmmm... STEVE: ? [Detective hands shoe back] DETECTIVE: Thanks for the help, folks. I may have some more questions for you. Not planning on leaving town, are you? STEVE: No! We're not going anywhere. Come back any time! [Sees detective out. Closes front door. Turns to MaryLou] STEVE: Maybe we should leave town? |
| Why should we leave town, if we're both innocent? We ARE both innocent, aren't we, love? *looks at Stevie mournfully* |
| Did you see how he looked at my shoe? What was that about? I don't like the way he said, "Hmmm..." Of course we are innocent. I just need to calm down. If we left town, then we really WOULD look guilty, huh? So, what shall we do tonight? Hot tub? I need to relax. |
| Hot tub sounds great! And I'll get out my cinnamon flavored massage oil. Would you like a nice massage, sweetheart? That'll help you relax. *kisses Stevie lightly* |
| Sure. Ahhhh.... That feels good. So relaxing.... so relaxing... zzzzzzz.... zzzzz..... |
| darn ole man fell asleep again!!! grrrrrrr Well I'm not gonna let him sleep this time!! What can I do to wake him up? hmmmmmmm *bites his right nipple* Nothing! *bites his left harder* Still nothing! Hmmmm what should I bite to get him to wake up? hmmmmmmmmm *evil glint in eyes* |
| [Outside the shack, a mysterious shadowy figure creeps up to the little window that overlooks the hot tub room. Back inside...] MARYLOU: Steve! Wake up! I think somebody just peeked in the window. STEVE: Huh? *rubs eyes, peers at window* I don't see anybody. |
| No, he's not there now. It's a "he"? You saw him that clearly? Did he look familiar? |
| Well, no. I didn't see him clearly. It was too dark and he had on some kinda jacket with a hood over his head. But I'm sure it was a man. Too big and tall to be a woman. *throws herself into Stevie's arms* Oh, I'm so scared! What if he's looking for a way to break in and murder us? And we can't call the police since the phone company cut us off! *wraps her arms around Stevie tighter* Oh Stevie! What are we gonna do? *becomes hysterical* |
| Okay, calm down. CALM DOWN! Pull yourself together, girl... *wearily rises from hot tub and grabs a towel* I guess I'll have to go check it out. You better grab that old iron frying pan from the kitchen in case things get hectic around here. |
| [Steve tip toes to back door, cautiously cracks it open and peeks out, then quickly closes it] You were right. There is someone out there. Hand me that frying pan. I want you to go back to the hot tub room and throw a bucket of water on him. Then I'll rush out and hit him with the frying pan. Sound like a good plan? |
| Oh! *scared look* If you say so, my love, I'll do it. *returns to hot tub and fills a bucket with hot water* |
| [Steve is on one knee, shaking the dizziness out of his head] I tripped and dropped the frying pan on my head. Can you see a lump right here? |
| *MaryLou grabs the frying pan and runs off into the shadows* *Another whack is heard* There! I got him, you ole clutz! Get off your knees and let's see who it is. |
| [Detective Hunter rubs head] DETECTIVE: Dang it, MaryLou! I was just about to apprehend the perpetrator who was peeping in your window and you bean ME! STEVE: But what are YOU doing here? MARYLOU: Yeah! Maybe it was YOU peeking in the window, huh? DETECTIVE: No, Ma'am! A neighbor reported seeing someone slinking around the back of your house and I came out here to check on it and right when I snuck up to where I could see him, someone opened the window and threw a bucket of water on me! MARYLOU: Your story is so fishy I could scale it and fry it for dinner. STEVE: Detective Hunter, you say a neighbor called? Who was it? DETECTIVE: I don't know. I was in my car. The call went to the station and Jaylene was on night duty and took the call. Then she radioed me and I came here. STEVE: I don't know, MaryLou? That sounds pretty straight to me. After all, we could call Jaylene to check his story? |
| Hmmph! You're not thinking right, Stevie! Who, in our neighborhood, owns a phone, huh? Tell me that!!!! *glares at Detective Hunter* |
| Good point, MaryLou. Hmmm.... Wait a minute! There is one of our neighbors who owns a phone - a cell phone! He used it when he gave me a ride on his bike the other day. Snake! |
| Another illogical statement, you dope! Snake would NEVER call the police! You know he's got that warrant out for him! Oops! |
| STEVE: Well, we'll just have to call Jaylene then. DETECTIVE: If you two don't mind, I really need to be on my way. STEVE: Sure. Thanks for coming by and checking on that peeping tom. DETECTIVE: No problem. Call me if anything comes up. Here's my card. STEVE: Thanks. [Detective Hunter leaves. Steve turns to MaryLou] What a night, huh? |
| Stevie! Why you let him leave without checkin his story out first????? You have no sense at all! I oughtta whack you with this skillet!!! *glares at him angrily* |
| Oh sure. I'm gonna tell a detective in the police force to "stay put" while I check out his story? You're the one with no sense. Anyway, think about it. Even if he was the only one out there he would just say he was checking around the yard or he saw something suspicious or whatever. There's nothing we can do about it. What time is it? I am pooped out! Sleepy time for me! |
| *Stevie and MaryLou return to their bedroom where she pokes him in the back until he finally rolls over and cuddles up to her* |
| By the time Steve is ready for bed, MaryLou has already fallen asleep. Steve glances into MaryLou's room. She is cuddled up in her bed smiling in her sleep. Steve wonders what she is dreaming about that makes her so happy. Next morning... Steve wakes up at the crack of dawn, goes to the window and breathes in a lungfull of that good Texalina air. *cough* *wheeze* Steve is not as young as he used to be, but then who is? He puts on his shorts and T-shirt and stumbles into the kitchen to cook some grits. |
| *MaryLou smells the bacon frying and stumbles out of her bed. She runs into the kitchen and throws her arms around Stevie's back.* "Oh, you're fixin me breakfast! Mmmmm I love grits!" *covers his neck with lots of butterfly kisses* |
| Thank you, love! Do you need s'more? I think we need to sit down and talk about this Mayor thing. All the hoopla bout the murder and peeping Tom made us forget about it. |
| [Steve has been looking out the window...] MaryLou, there is something odd about Snake's house. His bike's not in the yard and yet his front door is standing open. |
| [MaryLou joins Stevie at the window] Hmm that is strange. He never leaves his door open, even when he's home! You gonna go over there and check it out? Do you want the frying pan? |
| *laughs* No! I don't trust that dang pan not to turn on me! I'll be write back... Five minutes later... Snake is gone! Cleaned out! Nothing left but that old table and chairs and a lot of trash and a few old clothes. He didn't have much, but he must of packed it all up and left with it last night! You don't suppose he's the killer? Why would he up and leave like that? You know that Detective Hunter must have told him to "stay in town" just like he told us? |
| Snake a killer?! Maybe some guy in a bar fight, but a little ole lady like Miss Ethel? No, I can't believe that! He just wasn't like that! And he liked Miss Ethel, she helped him as much as us. True, it was unknowingly, but STILL! |
| [Steve gives himself a dope slap] The warrant! He must have been worried about the police pokng around, that they would realize he had an outstanding arrest warrant. Did you ever get Snake's real name? That's all I ever knew him by -- "Snake". |
| Yeah, I found out his real name. He never would tell anybody, but when he gave me the bike ride, remember?, while I was at his house, he went to the bathroom, so I snooped in his desk. His real name is ...[insert loud DUM DUM]...Francis Bacon!!!!! |
| Francis Bacon! Hahahahaaaaaaaaaa! "Francis!" No wonder he never told me! Hey, wait a minute! Ethel Bacon! Miss Ethel's last name was Bacon! I saw it in the newspaper. You don't suppose they were related? I'm trying to think if I have talked to Snake since Miss Ethel's murder... No, I don't think so. The last time I saw him was before that! And the same with you! Dang1 My curiosity is aroused. When's the last time you talked to Molly? She might know something... |
| Dang it Stevie! You makin my head hurt with all your supposin! Why don't we go relax in the hot tub for awhile? I still got some cinnamon-flavored massage oil!! hehe |
| Okay. I need a to take a nap anyway. I've already been up three hours and eaten a meal. Time for a rest! |
| [After Stevie falls asleep in the hot tub, MaryLou gets out and gets dressed. Very quietly she leaves by the front door, and heads over to Snake's house] [As she approaches the front door, she hears loud banging noises coming from inside.] sounds like someone tearin the house apart [She goes around the corner of the house to look through the side window] |
| [MaryLou creeps up to the window very guietly, but before she can see who's inside, she is grabbed from behind and a pillowcase thrown over her head. The attacker's hand muffles her screams as he drags her off into the shadows.} [Meanwhile...Stevie snores on...] |
| Mmmmm.... Nothing like a hot tub for a relaxing nap. And now for a nice hot meal. I think I'll have fish tonight. I know there's a can of sardines around here somewhere... I wonder where MaryLou went... |
| [The sun streaming through the darkened room wakes MaryLou up from her sleep. She is stiff and cramped. She tries to sit up but finds her arms and legs are tied together. She looks around.] Where the heck am I? This looks like someone's basement! Sure is dusty in here. [Achoo] |
| Hmmm.... MaryLou is still not back. I wonder if she's outside anywhere? [Steve goes out in the yard and checks all the nooks and crannies. His ears perk up as he hears a faint cry...] |
| That sounded like MaryLou! I'd recognize her adenoidal allergic sneezing anywhere. Sounds like it's coming from the basement of Snake's house. |
| [In her fits of sneezing, MaryLou doesn't hear the basement door being opened and footsteps resounding on the concrete floor. A shadow falls across her and she looks up to see....] |
| [MaryLou glares at Stevie] It's a party, dontcha know?! We're playing hide and seek. They tied me up and told me to count to twenty before coming to find them. |
| No! He grabbed me from behind and stuck a pillow case over my head. Ya know, this wouldn't have happened if you weren't always fallin asleep in the hot tub, you ole dawg!!!! [MaryLou looks tenderly at Stevie] Well, were you frantic about me, love? |
| No, I thought you just were out looking at the flowers in the yard. It's a good think you do that loud "honk" when you sneeze or I would never have heard you. Are you sure you're okay? Do you have enough allergy pills? I wonder who the heck that was that grabbed you? And WHY?! Let's look around for clues. I like looking for clues. Hey, this is kind of fun, isn't it? [Steve gives MaryLou an affectionate light punch in the arm] |
| Ow! Dang you, Stevie! My arm's still sore from being tied up all night! When are you going to realize I'm a WOMAN, and not one your beer-drinkin buddies down at the ice house????? Grrrrrrrrrr YOU look for clues! I'M going back the house and take a hot bath! [stomps off] |
| Gosh. Women! Ignore them and they get mad. Be friendly and they get mad. There is just no pleasing them. Like my Daddy always said, "If I had known what your Mama was like before I met her, then I would have crossed to the other side of the street and saved us all a whole lot of trouble." Oh well, at least MaryLou knows where to find some groceries and she's easy on the eyes. I even like her *cough* *cough* and her *cough* *cough*. I'll fix her a nice sardine sandwich and then she'll feel a lot better. I hope we still have some mustard and onions left. |
| [Later that day] [Steve and MaryLou are in their living room, arguing over whose turn it is to watch TV] Give me that dang remote, Stevie! It's time for my Oprah! You been watching that monster truck rally all morning! [MaryLou begins tickling Stevie] |
| Heeheeheehee! [Steve and MaryLou's rough play tips the sofa over backwards] Ouch! Ooh! Ooh! Pain! |
| [A knocking is heard at the door. Steve and MaryLou struggle to extricate themselves.] Steve: Get off me, MooLoo, and go answer the door! [MaryLou opens the door to Detective Hunter] Oh, you again! Isn't it a little early for you to be here? The sun aint set yet! |
| DETECTIVE: That's funny, Miss MaryLou. STEVE: Hello, Detective Hunter. What's up? DETECTIVE: Do you have any idea where Mr Bacon went? STEVE: Who? DETECTIVE: Francis Bacon... Snake. STEVE: No, and something strange happened this morning. Tell him about your little episode in Snake's house, MaryLou. DETECTIVE: You were in Snake's house today? |
| MaryLou: Not TODAY...last night it was, i was outside and heard noises comin from his house, so I went over there to check it out. Before I could look in the winda someone grabs me. He tied me up and stuck me in his basement. Steve found me this morning, thanks to my sneezin' Detective: Why didn't you report that to the police this morning? [MaryLou laughs hysterically] Ya sure! Ya woulda just jumped right on that, huh? Spent countless man hours searchin' for him, huh? Don' tell me! |
| DETECTIVE: Ma'am, we treat every call with the seriousness that it deserves. I admit that in your case, considering you record of calling in false alarms, we might not of rushed out here, but that's the price you pay for "crying wolf" too often. |
| MaryLou: Who you mean? You talkin bout me? Nah, Mistuh Detective Peeping Tom Hunter, you must be thinkin' of some other woman that you stalk! [MaryLou stomps off into the bedroom and slams the door] |
| STEVE: She called in false alarms? [Detective Hunter eyes Steve for a moment, then pulls a little notepad out of his pocket] DETECTIVE: June 9th, boyfriend dead. -- He was napping. June 12th, car won't start. -- We referred her to a garage. June 13th, car stolen. -- Investigation determined complainant did not own a vehicle. June 20th, loud music disturbing her. -- Investigation determined complainant's own radio was the source of noise. June 27th, ate poisoned hamburger. -- Ambulance took complainant to emergency room. Stomach pumped. Poisoning could not be dtermined. Do I need to go on? STEVE: No... No, I get the picture. Hmmm... What about after she moved in here? DETECTIVE: We haven't received any calls recently. [Steve looks at Detective Hunter's hunky frame] STEVE: You know, Detective, did you ever consider that maybe she just wanted to talk to you? DETECTIVE: Of course, I considered it. I'm a hunk. [Detective briefly flashes a winning smile, then immediately resumes his serious face] STEVE: So? DETECTIVE: Nawwww... I actually asked her out once after about the 7th call. She turned me down. And the calls kept coming. So much for your little theory. [Steve rubs chin, obviously puzzled, or maybe he just needs a shave] DETECTIVE: Well, I've got to be moving on. I'll talk to you two again later when Miss MaryLou is feeling more cooperative. |
| [MaryLou opens bedroom door when she hears him leave.] Stevie! Come here! [Steve approaches the bedroom warily. He sees MaryLou digging through a large box that is sitting on her bed.] STEVE: What's up, MooLoo? MARYLOU: I wanna show you sumpin. Here, read this! [She shoves a yellowed newspaper article in his hand. It's obviously many years old.] STEVE (reads aloud}: A local youth was issued a restraining order to not come within two hundred yards of a female classmate after her parents reported harassing phone calls from the teenaged boy, and seeing him parked by their house many times. STEVE: So, what's this, MooLoo? It's a shame, but these things happen quite a bit. Girl dumps boy, boy can't let go, etc etc. MARYLOU: No, you've got it all wrong, Stevie! He was not that girl's boyfriend! I know because I was that girl! And that boy was Detective Hunter! |
| WOW!!! [Steve's eyes grow as big as salad plates and he turns to stare at MaryLou, obviously completely flabbergasted by this totally unexpected revelation] Wow... This old town has it's secrets. This puts a new light on everything. Detective Hunter peeking through our window. Detective Hunter turning up immediately after "somebody" grabbed you in Snake's house. Don't worry. We arn't taking any more guff from Detective Hunter. If he shows up around here again, I'm gonna hit him with this... hard. Hot tub? |
| [MaryLou giggles] Ya sure you will, you ole clutz, if ya don't trip first! [She crosses the room to Stevie, buries her head on his chest and wraps her arms around his waist.] You do believe me, don't you, Stevie? I wouldn't lie to you ever! |
| [Steve puts his arms around MaryLou's shoulders] Of course I believe you! Now let's get those bubbles bubbling. |
| [Later that evening] [MaryLou and Steve are sitting on recliners in their living room. Two TV trays are in front of them, holding a tea light candle and their dinner: Stouffer's lasagna] STEVE: Dang, MooLoo, you sure thaw out food pretty good! Where'd you get this fine meal for us, anyways? MARYLOU: From the Piggly-Wiggly. I talked the manager into lettin me have these in exchange for cleanin' their bathrooms. Turns out none of the regular employess like to do it, so they's all chipped in some their own money, and want me to do it everyday! Aint that great? Now, we don' have to worry bout what we gonna eat everyday. |
| All right! Life is looking better and better, ain't it? Maybe that was just what we needed -- for some of our neighbors to die off and move away. But now that you're working, I guess I'll have to redouble my efforts to find a job, too. Hey, see if you can snag me a paper at The Pig tomorrow, okay? |
| What about your Mayor gig, love? You give up on that? And I got all the poster drawed real pretty too! |
| I don't know what to do. I'm not a politician and I'm not sure I really want to get mixed up in all that. You know what I always really wanted to do was be a writer. But they don't pay a writer until AFTER he spends a 1000 hours writing something, and then the pay is 50 cents an hour. It's very discouraging. Besides, I don't own a typewriter and all my stories are in pencil on yellow legal pads. What about you? Isn't there anything you always dreamed of doing? I find it hard to believe that cleaning bathrooms was your original career choice. |
| All I ever wanted to do was find a good man (done}, fall in love (done), and have some babies (pending). |
| WHAT?! You didn't say being housemates included rug rats and cookie crunchers! |
| [MaryLou giggles] Aw, relax, love! I didn't say I wanted babies NOW! Didn't you note the past tense, "wanted"? Sometimes I think it'd be nice, but I'm gettin kinda old, I think. And YOU are most definitely! [squirts Steve with the power soaker and then runs from the room] |
| Ha! If I was old could I do THIS? [Steve tries to leap up from the recliner and give chase but the recliner doesn't want to go back to its upright position and when he tries to rock it into place he rocks it too far backward and he tumbles out of the recliner] Ouch! Ooh! Pain! [Steve scrambles to his feet and grabs his handy SuperSoaker but unfortunately slips on the wet spot on the floor and lands flat on his back] Ouch! Ohhhhh.... Pain... [Steve manages to roll over on his belly so that he can crawl to his knees and limp after MaryLou] Ha! I've got you now! *squirt* |
| Fire up the hot tub. Ohhhhh.... How did people live before the hot tub was invented? It must have been a short, nasty life. |
| [MaryLou and Steve are relaxing in the hot tub. MaryLou gazes out the window over the backyard.] Oh Stevie! I've been meaning to ask you...when was the last time you fed your shark? I haven't seen you feed the poor thing for days! |
| Chompy? Oh yes, he's been eating. Remember that stray dog that was hanging here around last week? He must have been part retriever, because when I threw a pork chop in the shark pond, he dived right in for it. |
| Pork chop? Is that MY pork chop you'll be meaning??? You tole me you didn't know what happened to that! You ole dawg! |
| Oh you meant THAT pork chop! You weren't very specific. You know, when I was in the MagicMArt yesterday, Suzy,the cashier, asked me about Miss Ethel's murder. It seems the police still have no idea who did it. But they haven't ruled anyone out. In fact, Suzy said she was talking to Jaylene at the police station and Jaylene told her they have a list of suspects they are investigating. I guess you know we're on the list. Also Snake, Ernie-under-the-bridge, and Welfare Molly. And even Athena the Belly Dancer. Remember when Athena moved out you said she got busted? Suzy says was out of jail in 2 days AND she has no alibi for the night of Miss Ethel's murder. |
| You been watching too much Perry Mason, Stevie! Though I don't know how, since the TV been busted since I moved in....but still! Do ya have to think ever'body was out to get Miss Ethel???? Besides, who'd want to hurt her? She was the nicest lady I ever did meet! Never sayin a word to me when I'd take off with her frozen hamburger meat stuck in my shirt!! Aw, I'll sure miss her! [starts to cry] |
| Now, now... Don't cry. I miss those free hamburgers, too. I wasn't playing detective. I was just telling you what Suzy said. You know a lot of people are curious about who killed Miss Ethel... |
| Well, I'm curious too, I just don't look at ever'body that knew her as a suspected murderer! But enough of that. Honey, I think we need to figure out what we gonna do about Detective Hunter. Why do you really think he was skulkin' around here the other night? |
| WHO KILLED MISS ETHEL? -- the contest Feeling creative? YOU can solve the mystery and win a MYSTERY MERIT BADGE! All you need to do is write down your idea of WHO killed Miss Ethel and WHY they did it. You do NOT need to write a story! Just a paragraph or two or three giving the basics of your idea. Here is an example: Miss Ethel was sitting in her livingroom watching TV when the cargo door fell off a jet passing over her house and the door came falling down through the sky and crashed through Miss Ethel's roof and hit her on the head and killed her. That entry would NOT win a prize! Why? Because we want the killer to be one of the possible suspects in the story. Here is the list of suspects: Steve MaryLou Athena, the Belly Dancer Snake, aka Francis Bacon Detective Hunter Jaylene, the night dispatcher at the police station Toothless Joe, who owns seven hound dogs Ernie, who lives in a box under the bridge Welfare Molly who has seven kids Jethro Tull, owner of Tull's Electronics and Flute Repair Suzy, the cashier at the MagicMart Prizes for the contest 1st place is a beautiful Mystery Merit Badge or you can take the cash value of 10,000GPs 2nd place is 1000Gps Deadline for the contest is noon, Sunday, August 15th MaryLou will post a link to the contest. |
Here's the contest forum:
Good luck all! |
| "...and now, back to our story." [Steve points at the television] STEVE: You don't want to watch that, do you? MARYLOU: Don't turn it off now! They're just about to reveal who the killer is! STEVE: Those old mystery shows are all the same. You know the butler did it. MARYLOU: They don't have no "butler"! They live in a shack! STEVE: Alright, alright. Keeep watching it and I'll go turn on the hot tub so it will be nice and hot for us when the movie is over. |
| [Fifteen minutes later. MaryLou's show is over. She turns off the TV and heads to the hot tub.] [Steve is snoring, as usual.] Stevie! Honey, wake up! I swear you're gonna drown on a these days, always fallin asleep in the water! What'd you do without me, huh, to keep your ole body from drowning? [She slides in next to him and begins massaging his shoulders with the saltwater scented oil which reminds Steve of his shark.] |
| [Steve suddenly wkes up] Dang it! I forgot to feed Chompy again! Poor little guy is gonna be all skinny if i don't start feeding him better. Hey, what do you think about keeping some chickens in the yard? We could use the eggs and every now and then I could toss one to Chompy. |
| What? Are you kidding me? Keeping chickens in the yard for Chompy to munch on? No way! Those dang non-birds would eat all my magickal herbs! |
| Where's your spirit of compromise? You're using up part of the yard with your herbs. The chickens will be fenced. They want bother your herbs. Besides, we can put chicken wire over the herbs as double protection in case the chickens do get out. Come on, MaryLou. I don't think there are any stray dogs left in this town. What's Chompy going to eat? |
| Oh, all right! But if I see one of those birds chewin' on my herbs, it's goin' right into the deep fryer! Humph! See what I do for you? [MaryLou puckers up her lips for a kiss.] |
| What's wrong with your lip? Are you mocking my chickens? Hahaha! That's good! You look just like an old setting hen about to start clucking that she laid an egg. You are so cute when you make those funny faces. [Steve affectionately takes his thumb and finger and squeezes MaryLou's lips into a respectable simulation of a bird beak.] And cooking up a chicken now and then is part of the plan. Yummy! Hey! Why are you stomping off like that? What did I do now? Women! |
| [MaryLou stomps off to her room, and locks the door, something she's never done before! She grabs a few clothes, her trusty Book of Shadows, Stevie's picture, and altar Goddess and then climbs out the window.] Hummph! I'll let him see what it's like without me for a day or two! Maybe THEN he'll appreciate me more! Hmmmm I wonder who I can go crash with? Molly? Nah, those kids'll drive me batty! Snake Athena, and Miss Ethel are gone, Toothless Joe smells too funny, so I guess I'll have to go down to the Piggly Wiggly, grab a box, and join Ernie under the bridge. Hope it don't rain! I'd be so made if my witchy manual got ruined! [Heads off to the Piggly Wiggly] |
| [Steve roams around the empty shack] STEVE: Gosh, it's really lonely around here without MaryLou. I wonder where she went? Maybe I should start knocking on some doors? Maybe I should call the police? She couldn't have been kidnapped. She took her stuff with her. You'd think she would at least leave a note. [Someone knocks on front door] STEVE: Ernie! What's up, my man? I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks. ERNIE: Um, it's about Miss MaryLou, Mister Steve. She in a box under my bridge. I thought you want to know. STEVE: In a box! What are you talking about? Is she okay? ERNIE: Yeah, yeah, she okay. I don't know why she in a box. You know? Like me. Live in a box. STEVE: Let me get a flashlight... Now, let's go see what MooLoo is up to... {Steve and Ernie tramp down to the bridge] STEVE: MaryLou! Have you gone bananas? What's with the cardboard box? Is this where you want to live now? |
| [MaryLou throws a rock at Ernie.] Ernie, you liar! You promised me you wouldn't tell him where I was! [Glares at Steve] Well, it sure couldn't be any worse than in that house with you! At least, Ernie realizes I'm a woman! [She throws her meagre belongings in the box and runs off into the shadows.] |
| [Steve watches her run off and shakes his head the way you do when you are saying "tsk-tsk-tsk". Then Steve turns to Ernie.] STEVE: Did you realize she was a woman? ERNIE: Sure I know Miss MaryLou a woman, Mister Steve. Where she go now? STEVE: I don't know, Ernie, but if she comes back here, be sure and come get me again, okay? ERNIE: Sure, Mister Steve. I do that. STEVE: Thanks, Ernie. Here. Here's something for you. [Steve hands Ernie some cash.] ERNIE: Thank you, Mister Steve! STEVE: See you later, Ernie. Don't forget to come see me if you see or hear anything about MaryLou. |
| [MaryLou runs and runs until she's completely out of breath (which is, about three yards), then plops down on the hard ground.] Where I'm gonna go now? Dang Ernie! Ruined my one hiding place!! [She thinks about this dilemma for several minutes.] I know! I can go back to Snake's; he's not there and Stevie won't ever suspect I would be there since that scary experience of being tied up in his basement! I sure do hope my allergies won't rat me out. [She gathers her box, formerly her home, and makes her way to Snake's house via the woods borderning his backyard.] |
| [Steve listens to MaryLou's running feet.] I'll bet she's headed for Snake's house. She never has been good at finding hiding places. Always behind the living room curtain... I'll just fill up the Super Soaker and go looking for her. |
| [MaryLou is about to wiggle through the window in Snake's basement when a stream of water hits the back of her head. She screams in shock and falls into the basement, landing upon a pile of dust that foruntately softens her landing, but also unfortunately attaches itself to her face and wet hair, sending her into spasmodic sneezing.] Achoo! Achoo! Damn it! Where did that water come from? Achoo! [She tries to rise off the floor but discovers she has twisted her ankle.] She yells, "Who's out there?" Achoo! |
| That dust isn't doing you any good. Let's go home. How about a nice soak in the hot tub? And this time I'll massage YOUR back with soothing oils. |
| Really?! [MaryLou wonders if perhaps a massage is a good-enough alternative for a kiss from Steve. She decides it is.] [She smiles at him.] Okay! [She tries to stand up, but the pain in her ankle makes her sink back down.] Oh, Stevie! I don't think I can walk. My ankle really hurts! |
| [Steve jumps down into the basement and sweeps MaryLou up in his well-muscled arms. For a moment, as the moonlight streams through the basement window and illuminates Steve's classic physique, he resembles some warrior god from ancient mythology, strong and powerful, but without the brutality. Instead of brutality, Steve has warmth and intelligence and a sensitivity to the needs of...] MARYLOU: Steve! Stop looking in the dang mirror and carry me home! And turn me right-side-up! You got me slung over your shoulder like a dang sack of potatoes! [Steve takes one last look at the magnificent Steve who lives in the dim dusty mirror, then he lugs MaryLou over to the basement stairs and, huffing and puffing, begins the long climb back to reality.] A ridiculously long time later... [Steve carries MaryLou into their shack and throws MaryLou down on the sofa] STEVE: Whew!... *puff*... *gasp*... What a journey! Let me get my breath back... *gasp*... *wheeze*... Sorry about when I dropped you out there. Does your head still hurt? |
| [Rubbing her forehead where two large bumps have appeared, MaryLou thinks she should be irate that he was so clumsy and dropped her on that pile of rocks on Snake's front walk. But she's not. She is flattered and touched that he would carry her when she's unable to walk.] It's not too bad, love. Come sit beside me here, and I'll rub your temples for you. |
| No, I should rub YOUR head. You're the one that's hurting. [Steve slips on a throw rug as he tries to sit on the couch and plunges forward into MaryLou. Their heads hit together with a loud "clunk".] Uh-oh! Looks like you're gonna have three lumps now. Maybe I better get the aspirin. |
| [Steve returns from getting the aspirin to find MaryLou with her eyes closed, appearing unconscious. He tries to shake her awake, to no avail. He becomes frantic.] Steve: MaryLou! Wake up, MaryLou! Oh, damn, I've killed her! Please wake up, MaryLou! [No response from MaryLou.] |
| Hello, 9-1-1? Send an ambulance to Steve's little loveshack right away. My baby is leaving on a one-way trip to Heaven and I don't want her to go. Please hurry operator. No, I don't think she's breathing. She fell and hit her head... three times. Odd? Is it against the law to fall down more than once? I'm not being sarcastic!... I'm sorry if I yelled, operator, but I am very concerned about MaryLou. Is the ambulance on the way? Good. Yes, I'll stay on the line... ... ... So... What are you wearing? |
| [Steve winces and yelps in surprise when a pillow is whacked against his head.] Dang you, you ole dawg! You can't even wait 'til I'm in the ground 'fore you start sniffin' around, can you?! |
| You're alive! Oh happy day! Hello, operator? Cancel that ambulance! My baby was turned back at Heaven's Gate! (pssst, I never thought they would let her in THERE, anyway! heehee... later...) MaryLou! I thought you was a goner! Let's fill up the hot tub and soak all our troubles away! |
| Humph! You think you're gonna get off that easy? I'm still waiting for my massage!!! And this time, you better not make that face when I say I wuv ya! |
| [MaryLou is shocked.] I get to choose?! Hmmmmm, well, for safety reasons, cuz of my ankle and all, it might be better if I didn't try to climb in and out of water, ya know? [She giggles] |
| Okay, you're gonna enjoy this. You know I once worked in a meat-packing plant tenderizing tough beef sides with the kensu rapid punch technique, so I know how to make those muscles relax! Now, get out of those clothes and lie on your stomach and get ready to feel those tensions melt away. [Steve cracks his knuckles and grins like werewolf] |
| [MaryLou is now lying on her belly on Stevie's twin-size bed, in anticipation of her nice, relaxing massage.] Whack! Whack! Whack! Ouch! Ouch! Dang you, Stevie, what you trying to do? Bruise my kidneys??? Stop it, you mad man! Whack! |
| Ah! See how tight those muscles are? You know what they say, "No pain, no gain." Just be patient, MooLoo. Once those muscles are nice and loose, you will feel wonderful. I'll shift to a lighter faster punch. I keep forgetting you ain't no 500 pound side of beef! Hahahahaha! *whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka* Better, huh? *whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka* |
| Good lawd, Stevie! Has Torquemada possessed your body? Ouch, dammit! Stop it! Is that the way I massage you?! [MaryLou tries to rise up off the bed, but...] |
| Okay, calm down! Now we get to the fun part -- the rubbing in of the soothing oil. Huh? Huh? [Steve uncaps a bottle and pours a generous dollop on MaryLou's back, then begins rubbing it in] Now doesn't that feel good? |
| It would...if it wasn't motor oil! Geez, Stevie! Look at this mess! Don't expect ME to clean this up! |
| Wooooooooo hooooooooo!!!!! Anything to end this valvoline torture! In fact, I'll race you there! [MaryLou takes off hopping, moving as quickly as her sprained ankle allows her.] |
| Heeheeheehee... Yikes! [Steve slips on a patch of oil when he leaps up to race MaryLou to the hot tub, but contrary to expectation, he doesn't fall. Instead he slides on greased feet into the bathroom and does a flip into the hot tub...] KERSPLASH! Gee, that spilled a lot of water. I better turn on the tap again. |
| Oh, honey! You looked soooo cool doing that! I never knew you could do gymastics! Why, you're just full of surprises!! [MaryLou attempts to follow Steve's example and do a flip into the hot tub.] Kerplunk! [Once again, they bang heads.] |
| Um, could we just soak for awhile? Say, I saw Welfare Molly earlier today. She asked me if I knew what was in Miss Ethel's will. I told her the thought never crossed my mind. Of course, now she's put the thought in my mind. I wonder why Molly would ask about a will? |
| Me too. And why would she be thinking Miss Ethel had anything to put in a will?! Why, that woman only survived off of her Social Security! Hmmmm, or that's what she always claimed! Do you think ole Welfare Molly knows something we don't?! |
| I think everybody knows something we don't! But apparently Molly thinks that there is a will. Who knows? Miss Ethel might have been one of those eccentrics that has millions of dollars but never spend any of them. I remember reading about a "bag lady" that died in New York and they discovered she had a bank account with several hundred thousand dollars in it! And yet she dressed in old clothes and rummaged in dumpsters! Strange, huh? Although I can see some sense to it. You aren't going to be a target of thieves and con-men if everybody thinks that you are poor. |
| Hahahahahahahahahaha Now THAT'S funny, Stevie! Miss Ethel not a target of thieves and conmen cause everybodhthought she was poor!!!!! hahahahahahahhaha!!!! [MaryLou falls into such a fit of laughing that she, once again, bangs her head. This time on Stevie's elbow as he is trying to cover her mouth with his hand.] STEVE: Hush, MooLoo! I think I hear a window breaking! Shhhhh woman! |
| Attention Reader! -- Who is breaking the window? If the campfire is stopped at this point, then email your answer right away to MaryLou. Choose from the list of names in the campfire or create a new character that we can use. Either way the campfire will continue based on YOUR CHOICE! Email Now! |
| Well, don't just sit there, shakin' in the water! Go check it out, you dawg! Should I get the frying pan and follow you? |
| STEVE: Just wait here. I'll yell if I need you. Yeah, have the pan ready. [Steve creeps out the back door and sneaks through the bushes until he spies two women in the backyard] FIRST WOMAN: Shhh! Shhh! I told you not to make any noise! SECOND WOMAN: I think I saw them! *giggle* STEVE: Velma Louise? Is that you? VELMA: Oops! Sorry, Steve. I didn't mean to disturb you. STEVE: Have you been drinking? VELMA: Just a little, Steve. I'm not drunk. But SHE is! Heeheeheehee... STEVE: Who's that? VELMA: That's my cousin Lindsay... Say something, Lindsay! *giggles* You wanted to see them! LINDSAY: Hi... Heeheeheehee... STEVE: I think y'all had more than a couple of drinks. Come on inside. MooLoo probably thinks I got killed by now. [The threesome stumble into the house] STEVE: Hey, MooLoo, remember Velma Louise, the mayor's secretary? And this is her cousin Lindsay. |
| [MaryLou eyes them suspiciously.] What they doin' sneakin around and breakin windows? [She walks over to Stevie and hooks her arm around his, claiming her man.] Well, Velma Louise? What you doin here so late at night? |
| VELMA: Oh, MaryLou! I didn't mean to disturb y'all! I don't know what I was thinking. Lindsay made me do it! LINDSAY: No I didn't! [slaps Velma's arm] VELMA: Yes you did! You said you wanted to see the murderers! *giggles* STEVE: Wait a minute! Muderers? What's that all about? VELMA: It's just talk, Steve. My mom thinks you and MaryLou killed Miss Ethel after you made her change her will and Lindsay, like a little idiot, believes her. I know y'all didn't kill her... Did you? *giggles* LINDSAY: I don't think you killed her, Steve. Heeheehee... MARYLOU: But what are y'all doing around our house at night? VELMA: It's STEVE's house, not yours. MARYLOU: Why you little... STEVE: Ladies, ladies, everybody relax now. How about some Sierra Mist? Huh? Velma? Lindsay? MaryLou? [Steve gives MaryLou a look that means "Chill out, please?"] |
| [MaryLou tosses her head.] Humph! Don't expect me to serve drinks to any peeping thomasinas! [She stomps off to her room and slams the door.] Bang! VELMA: Well! I never.... |
| STEVE: Well, maybe now is not the best time for a visit. VELMA: Ooooh, Steveie, somebody's got you wrapped around their little finger. When's the wedding? LINDSAY: Heeheeheeheehee... STEVE: Funny, Velma. Why don't you guys go home and sober up. Hey, your cousin got to see the murderer. Grrrrrrr! [Lindsay screams and jumps back, then both women giggle and finally after a few more moments of horseplay on the porch, they leave. Steve goes back in the house.] STEVE: Hey, MooLoo! That was weird, huh? Velma's mom thinks we killed Miss Ethel. Hahaha! |
| [MaryLou glares at Steve.] Humph! I say Miss Velma got a thing for you, Stevie! Didn't you notice how she was trying to flirt with you out there?! 'We wanted to see the murderer', my foot! They were jus' hopin to catch a glimpse of you in the hot tub! |
| Heeheeheehee... No, I think it was YOU they wanted to see! Do you want to know why I think that? I happened to catch a glimpse of a little tattoo on Velma's neck. |
| "Oooohooo-Steeevve! Can ya come back out on the porch? It's little ol' Lindsay and I got sumthin' to teelll youu. It's purty immmmmpooortant! It's about Veeellllma!!!!! |
| You hear that? I tole you so! Little ol' Lindsay prob wants to tell ya that Velma likes you. Geez, this is SO high school! Where you goin'? Come back here, don't you go out there! |
| Now, MaryLou, how can I resist the call of the wild? I'll just send them on their way. [Steve goes back out on porch] Hey, Lindsay. What did you want to tell me about Velma? |
| "Well Steevie" Lindsay bats her big brown eyes at him rapidly. "I'll just bet that you don't know this about Velma here." Velma starts swatting Lindsay as Lindsay tries to hold her off. "Now stop it Velma - Velma wears bloomers sometimes for the Mayor. He just loooves to see a girl flashing her undies!" Velma starts to cry and beats on Lindsay to shut her up. |
| [MaryLou stomps onto the porch.] MaryLou: Undies? Why are you telling Stevie about your undies, huh? I think ya'll need to take your drunk selves on home, before I kick you off MY porch! [She moves threateningly towards Lindsay and Velma.] |
| Aw, come on MaryLou, lighten up! [Steve holds MaryLou back so she won't hurt anybody] You might try wearing underwear yourself sometimes. It can be a cute thing to do. Even if it does increase your wash load. [Steve turns to Lindsay and Velma] Hey, y'all want to see me feed my shark tomorrow? His name is Chompy and he eats chickens and stray dogs. |
| We would just love to see you feed your shark, wouldn't we Velma? Lindsay pokes her toungue out at MaryLou as Steve turns to go feed the shark. "You know Steve, that is not the only thing about the bloomers...Velma will you stop snivilin'...I am gonna tell him the rest! MaryLou you don't need to listen if ya don't want to. Lindsay bats her eyes at Steve again. |
| Lindsay, what the heck is wrong with your eyes? You got a dirt clod in them? Want some visine? |
| Lindsay draws herself up straight, takes a deep breath and starts to talk. Well, you know I said Velma Louise wears bloomers for the mayor sometimes. Ms. Ethel wore bloomers all the time. So the Mayor, who needs his bloomer fix ALL the time - he was puttin' the hard word on Ms. Ethel. Someone, found out about it and didn't like it one bit 'cause they were jealous. I just think you need to figer out who that was 'cause that same someone is saying' that you guys have lots to gain by Ms. Ethel bein' D.E.D.. I would hate to see a big hunk like you wind up behind bars and away from his hot tub. Who'd feed the shark an all...? Velma if you don' stop tugging on me I'm gonna wallop ya! Lindsay shakes Velma off and shoots a sly glance at MaryLou. |
| Well, if that aint the mos' ridiculous thing I ever heard! You oughta be ashamed, Lindsay, for spreading such terrible lies like that! I aint gonna listen to any more of your nonsense! [Turns to Steve] If you don't make those witches leave right now, I'm going back to the bridge with Ernie! |
| Well now, hold on MaryLou. We don't know if they're lies until we check it out. Lindsay and Velma, it's mighty late I guess. I could stay up all night talkin' to ya, *wink*, but I guess me and MaryLou need to sleep if we're gonna get up before noon tomorrow. Y'all come back anytime now, you hear? ------------------------------------------------- *** CONTEST EXTENDED! *** *** CONTEST EXTENDED! *** New deadline -- New prizes -- New suspects Many thanks to the loyal readers who have submitted entries so far. We are impressed with all of them. If you haven't had time to do an entry yet, we are giving you more time! And if you already did an entry, do another one! MULTIPLE ENTRIES ARE ALLOWED New Deadline is August 31st New prizes! -- In addition to the Mystery Merit Badge (or 10,000GPs) for an entry we can actually use to advance the storyline in the campfire, there will also be cash prizes (anywhere from 1000GPs to 7000GPs) for such things as "most outrageous", "best use of every single character in the story", "funniest", "most likely not to have read the campfire at all", "most faithful to the Southern Shack genre", and so on, wherever our whims may lead us. New suspects -- Please note that two new characters have been introduced since the original contest notification -- Velma Louise, the mayor's secretary and Lindsay, Velma's "cousin"(?) ----------------------------------------------- New list of suspects ----------------------------------------------- ----Steve ----MaryLou ----Athena, the Belly Dancer ----Snake, aka Francis Bacon ----Detective Hunter ----Jaylene, the night dispatcher at the police station ----Toothless Joe, who owns seven hound dogs ----Ernie, who lives in a box under the bridge ----Welfare Molly who has seven kids ----Jethro Tull, owner of Tull's Electronics and Flute Repair ----Suzy, the cashier at the MagicMart ----Velma Louise, the mayor's secretary ----Lindsay, Velma's "cousin"(?) ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------
|
| Well Fine. If you don't wanna listen to what I am sayin', MaryLou, ya just sit here and let them poleese come a knocking agin! I got my eye on that deeeetective Hunk Hunter and I'm gonna have a few words with him an all. Lindsay tosses her long red hair and Steve spies a tattoo of a wriggling purple snake on Lindsay's neck. He frowns, wondering where he has seen it before. Come on Velma Louise - we gotta get you some new bloomers for your work tomorrow. Don't want that mayor actually makin' ya do any work. We'll see ya again you two. Ooooh - look-Snake is back! Lindsay drags Velma Louise off and they are whispering furiously to each other. |
| Ha! You better watch out how you talk to that ole "deeeetective Hunk Hunter" before he decides to start sitting in front of YOUR house, spyin' on YOU, Lindsay. And, don't think I don't know that red hair comes out of a bottle, neither! [MaryLou grabs Steve and pulls him in the house. He stumbles, and they both fall, banging their heads again.] Ouch! Oh, Stevie! Why you think Snake came back? Should we go over there and ask him? |
| You know something, MooLoo? It occurs to me that for days now we have been unable to get a good night's sleep without something or other happening. I do want to talk to Snake, but not tonight. It's just too dang late and I am too dang tired from staying up every dang night dealing with one thing or another. I need my rest! Let's talk to Snake in the morning... Say, you don't have any tattoos on you, do you? Hahaha! What am I thinking? Like I haven't seen every inch of your skin? I reckon I'd know if you had a tattoo or not! |
| Lindsay and Velma are over at Snake's house having a heated discussion with another person who can't be seen as they are inside the house. Lindsay throws her hands up in the air and turns to leave dragging Velma along with her. Just don't you forget that! Lindsay yells over her shoulder to the person inside the house. Velma you keep up with me! |
| Stevie, you hear that witch yellin? Is she still on our porch? I'm a gonna go out there and wallop that shameless hussy! |
| Sounds like the noise is coming from Snake's house. You do what you want. I am going to sleep! |
| The yelling is geting louder outside. Lindsay is shouting enough to bring the house down. I WILL NOT SHUT UP VELMA!! I AM GOING TO CALL THAT HUNKY DETECTIVE HUNTER AND TELL HIM WHO I JUST FOUND IN SNAKE'S HOUSE! Now gerrr offa me! Where in blazes is a phone in this dump of a neighborhood! Come on we're goin'to the MagicMart! |
| haha sounds like her and Velma are getting into it! Sleep sounds good, Stevie. I'll join ya. [MaryLou grabs a couple pair of earmuffs and puts one on Steve and one on herself.] [Steve is already snoring.] |
| Lindsay and Velma Louise are down at the MagicMart. Lindsay is talking to Detective Hunter on the phone. Detive Hunter I need to talk to you. Someone tried to attack me when I went over to Snake's place. And Sanke is back all his stuff was in the house but he wasn't there. Of course you know he is the illegitimate son of...Velma Louise what are you doin'? Leave me alone....Deeetective...Oh shoot Thelma Louise whad ya go an diisconnect me for? Girl you better start runnin"! |
| [Velma goes running down the street with Lindsay in hot pursuit] VELMA: Yieeeeeeee! LINDSAY: You better scream, girl, 'cause when I get hold of you... [Velma sees that Lindsay is catching up with her, so she stops and whirls around to face Lindsay with her hands up] VELMA: You promised you wouldn't tell anybody! LINDSAY: It's gotta be told! You can't keep it a secret forever! |
| Girl, you been livin' in the shadows fur ever. You need to let people know that you and Mayor Buttkiss had more than a little fling. He could get Snake outta all this trouble...him bein' Snake's real Daddy an all. You could help Snake too...you ain't never let him know you was his real Mamma. Now stop snivilin' Velma...Think about poor Snake thinkin' Miss Ethel was his real Auntie and her never treatin' him better than any of the other neighbors. No wonder that boy is always in trouble. If he'd bin tole the true story... ain't no shame - you stop that snivilin'...I got that Mayor's number now. Velma Louise and Lindsay hug and start waling down the street. Velma is still crying but Lindsay has a scowl and looks like she is loaded for bear. |
| [Mayor's phone rings] MAYOR: Hello? Is that you, Hunter? What do you want? HUNTER: Snake is back. MAYOR: What? I thought I told you to make sure he stayed gone? HUNTER: He came back. What can I say? MAYOR: You can say you're a sorry excuse for law enforcement around here. HUNTER: That's not all. MAYOR: Spill it. HUNTER: I just saw Velma and another woman nosing around Snake's house. MAYOR: If she told him anything... HUNTER: You want me to pick them up? MAYOR: Hold off for awhile. I gotta think this though. [Mayor hangs up phone and rubs his chin, lost in thought.] |
| Lindsay stops walking and turns to Velma Louise. "Velma, I bin worryin' on this and I think that we need to get this information out. We just gotta help Snake and let people know who the rat is around here. Now stop that snivilin' and see if you think I am right... Velma blows her nose again and nods ok. I think that Welfare Molly gets around. She is also the biggest gossip in the neighborhood. Lets go see her and tell her the story. I am worrin' about that Hunky Detective. Somethin' ain't right there. He din't seem surprised by anthin' I was sayin' on the phone. Velma please stop snivilin'...I think we gotta let folks know...besides we need ta find out if anyone knows where Snake has got to...Welfare Molly's is as good a place to start as any... Velma hangs her head but nods her agreement and they head over to Welfare Molly's. |
| [Meanwhile, Det. Hunter, against the Mayor's orders, decides to go do some snooping of his own. He heads over to Steve's and MaryLou's house, where they are still sleeping and snoring. MaryLou: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Steve: zzzzzzzzz grunt zzzzzzzzz grunt zzzzzzz Det. Hunter thinks: Aw, listen to her sweet sleeping sounds. How I wish I could be the one lying next to her! What does she see in that old man?! I'm ten times the man he is! [He flexes his biceps admiringly.] |
| Welfare Molly is watching a movie on the TV when there is a knock on the door. Now who could be knocking on the door this time of night? She looks through the peephole and sees two women. That better not be more missionaries... |
| Lindsay is pounding even harder when the door is cracked open and a squinting eye appears. Come on Molly open the dang door. It's Lindsay and Velma Louise. We got some news to share with you that will open your good eye wide. Welfare Molly opens the door and grudgingly lets them in as they are interrupting her movie. Lindsay plants her butt in a threadbare chair while Velma Louise perches on the arm of the same chair with her head hanging and still sniffling some. Molly hands Velma a box of Kleenex and raises a questioning eyebrow to Lindsay. No time for beatin' round the bush. We gotta tell you the news about Snake and who his real Dad is. Velma here is his real mama and we been keepin' this secret a long time. We also need to know if you seen Snake around 'cause his stuff is in his house but he can't be found. Molly's eyebrow over her good eye almost rises off her forehead. She is shocked by this news and starts gulping. Velma starts crying again. |
| Molly isn't too shocked though to exclaim, "Why, all this time, I thought Miss Ethel was his mama!" [The three women are interrupted when a fourteen-year old girl comes into the room. They immediately shut up.] Lindsay: Why, Molly, who is this pretty lil thang?! Is she one of yours? Molly: No, you idiot! Can't you see she's Asian?!She's one of Sissy's friends, come for a visit. Her name is Ling Roo. Ling Roo, say hello to the nice ladies. |
| "Hey! I heard somebody at the door and Sissy told me it was probably Steve and MaryLou. Is it true that you have a shark?" Ling Roo asked Steve. "Yes-" Before he could say anymore, Ling Roo gave a loud gasp. "Oh my god! I have to see it!!" "You scared me, child, I thought something was horribly wrong!" Molly said. "Sorry - I do that to my family all the time." (awkward silence) "Well... can I see him, Steve?" "Sure," Mary answered for him. "Why don't you and Sissy campout in our backyard? That is if it's ok with your parents and Sissy's." Molly nodded. "I'll ask, and be right back in a few minutes," Ling Roo said, running out the door. |
| Stevie! Aint that great?! The girls can keep an eye out for any nighttime prowlers!! What a deal! |
| STEVE: Yeah! You girls just scream as loud as you can if you see a prowler. Heehee... MOLLY: Haha! They know how to scream all right. Don't let then annoy you, MaryLou. You send them right back over here if they give you any trouble. MARYLOU: It's no trouble. I might camp out there with them. Reminds me of my girl scout adventures. STEVE: You were a girl scout? MARYLOU: Well, not for long. MOLLY: Velma, are you okay, honey? [Velma is still sniveling a little. Her eyes are red.] VELMA: Yeah, I'm okay, I guess. It's just so much too handle. Miss Ethel dead and Snake... [Velma starts crying again] MOLLY: There, there, honey. Lindsay, you're Velma's cousin? LINDSAY: Ummm... Yeah... Kind of... MOLLY: I hope she gets home okay. LINDSAY: Oh, don't worry. I'm staying with her right now. I'll make sure she's alright. [Roo bursts through front door] ROO: I'm back! I got all my stuff. STEVE: MaryLou, we better leave now and show the girls where to camp. MARYLOU: Okay. Come on, Sissy. You got all your stuff? SISSY: Yes, ma'am. STEVE: Goodnight Molly, Velma, Lindsay. |
| IN THE BACKYARD After a quick glance, Ling Roo jumps in the pool. "No!" MaryLou and Steve yell. Sissy is speechless. Ling Roo's head comes up. "Aw, don't worry you guys, this is a non-aggressive shark. I forgot the name... er but I know it's not aggressive." |
| Lindsay and Velmaare passing by on the way to Snake's house. They are trying to catch Snake to tell him the truth. They hear Steve and MaryLou yelling and go running around to the shark tank. "Landsakes! Is someone bein' kilt back here? What is that girl doin' in the pool? Have you gone nuts?" Velma Louise starts crying all over again. "Oh -geez Velma Louise will ys pleeease stop that wailin! We gotta go look for Snake. Are you goona git that youngin' outta the pool or leave her as bait?" Lindsay shoots a nasty look at MaryLou and stalks away dragging Velma with her. |
| [MaryLou sticks out her tongue at Lindsay's retreating back.] MaryLou: You know, Stevie, I think you were right! It's not Velma that got the hots for you. It's that bottle redhead, Lindsay! Steve[preening]: Really? You really think so, MooLoo? MaryLou: Oh, stop it, you ole dawg! Now, come in the house with me, I need to talk to you without all those interruptions we been having so much lately. |
| Okay, babe. In just a moment. I want to watch Ling Roo frolic with Chompy for a moment and make sure she is okay. Can you believe it? Who would a known the little feller was just lonely for some company? But I'm glad we already fed him today. Ling Roo! Please be careful. I know Chompy isn't very big, but he IS a SHARK, you know? That's no golden labrador retriever you're swimming with. MooLoo, you remember about that Roy fellow out in Las Vegas being in the news? His tiger almost bit his arm off. |
| "That's because Roy bopped him on the head," Ling Roo defended. "Anyway, Sissy, why don't you come in here with me!" It was more of an order than a question. "I don't have my bathing suit on." Ling Roo stared at her. "Neither do I, but you don't see me standing outside of the pool." Sissy rolled her eyes. |
| Lindsay and Velma are over at Snake's. All of his stuff is inside the bouse. The door is unlocked. Snake's motorcycle is outside but there is still no sign of Snake. Lindsay and Velma are getting nervous. A loud laugh sends them both screaming. "EEEEEEEEEEE" With Velma clutching onto her Lindsay turns towards the laugh. "Oh my GOD! Deeeetective Hun..Hunter. What in blue blazes are you trying to do! You scared the daylights outta us! That was NOT funny. Detective Hunter grins and takes a step towards Lindsay. His hands are in his pockets and there is something menacing about the way he looks. "You wanted to talk to me Lindsay. Well I am here. Start talking." Lindsay begins to feel scared.Thelma is grabbing at her arm. "Aaah! That maybe isn't such a good idea. We was just looking' for Snake but...I..I think Velma and I need to go talk to Steve and MaryLou." Detective Hunk Hunter walks slowly towards Lindsay and Velma Louise. They are backing towards the door. Lindsay smiles shakily. "We will just leave ya alone and talk to ya later...come on Velma." Detective Hunk Hunter moves swiftly to block their exit. Velma starts to cry and Lindsay starts yelling. "HELP! HELP! Somebody come and HELP!" |
| [Back inside their house, Steve and MaryLou hear someone yelling.] Steve: You hear that, MooLoo? What do you think's going on? MaryLou: [listens for a few seconds]Oh, that's just ole Lindsay. Her and Velma probably got into it again. Forget about them, sweetie. C'mere. |
| You know we can't just sit here listening to screams. Can we? No! We can't! Grab your frying pan, girl. We're going over to Snake's house. |
| "Can I come?" Ling Roo and Sissy ask immediately. Steve and MaryLou turn their attention to the two girls. They both open their mouth to speak but... |
| suddenly two figures come flying into their backyard. Steve ducks, thinking it's bats. MaryLou rushes to grab the frying pan. Ling Roo just giggles at the sight of Lindsay and Velma gasping for breath.] [Lindsay throws herself at Steve. He, of course, stumbles and falls. MaryLou returns from the kitchen, carrying the frying pan, to see Steve lying on the ground and Lindsay on top of him.] MaryLou: WOMAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! [She grabs Lindsay by her dyed red hair and yanks her off Steve.] |
| LINDSAY: It's not what you think, MaryLou! Detective Hunter is after us! MARYLOU: What? Why? [Suddenly Detective Hunter comes lurching into the yard, gun drawn.] HUNTER: Aha! There you are! [Everybody screams and runs for the house. In they go. Velma, Lindsay, MaryLou, Steve, and Ling Roo. They slam the door and all lean against it to hold it shut.] LINDSAY: But what if he shoots through the door? {Everybody screams and runs into the bedroom.} ROO: Where's Sissy? Sissy is still out there! Omigod, that maniac is going to kill Sissy! Steve! You have to save Sissy! Steve! STEVE! STEVE: Oh all right! I'll see if I can find her. ROO: Well, when are you going to do it? You're just standing there! STEVE: Didn't you ever hear the expression "working up your courage"? When you have as much courage as I do, it takes a while to work it all up! MARYLOU: Do you want me to go with you, sweets? STEVE: Yeah. Sure! Still got the frying pan? Great! Now let's crawl out the bedroom window and... [Everybody screams. Detective Hunter is looking in the bedroom window.] LINDSAY: Back to the kitchen! ROO: Look! It's Sissy! [Sissy is standing in the kitchen.] SISSY: Why do y'all keep running around screaming? It's just Detective Hunter. STEVE: But... but... Lindsay said he was trying to kill them. ROO: What's wrong with your eyes, Sissy? SISSY? My eyes? [Sissy's eyes have a red glow in them} LINDSAY: Vampire! She's a vampire! [Everybody screams and runs into the livingroom.] STEVE: Wait! Wait! Sissy is not a vampire. That was just the red numbers of my digital clock reflected in her eyes! [Roo goes back to kitchen to see Sissy] VELMA: I don't think I have ever screamed so much in one night in my entire life. LINDSAY: What about that time Jake Jarnell dropped a mouse in your dress? VELMA: I did scream a lot that night... [Detective Hunter jumps into the room.} HUNTER: Hello, folks. [Everybody screams] |
| Steve puts his frying pan in the air. "Put that down!" Detective Hunter yells, "Velma! I am ashamed with you. You were supposed to be checking into parole! After a murder is NOT the time to not check in with your officer. Sorry for the scare and all, but ya know, I was just trying to get you to listen to me!" |
| Velma looks at Detective Hunter like he has just grown another head. He smiles and starts edging towards her. She starts crying in torrents. "I...I ... do...don...don'..kn...know...wh...what...Linndsaaay, Ma...ryLooou...hep mmeeee! bohoho! Velma backs away form Detectie Hunter and trips over Sissy and Ling Roo. All 3 go down in a heap. Velma is holding on to the girls for dear life and bawling. Lindsay shoves past Detective Hunter and stands in front of the pile of bodies. "now you just back off Mr. Deeetective. Velma ain't never even had a parkin' ticket. What you takin' about?" Detective Hunter smiles nastily at Lindsay and pulls a warrant out of his pocket. "I'm talking about this here warrant that says I gotta take Velma in. You just better get outta my way Lindsay!" Detective Hunter reaches down to pull Velma out of the pile. Ling Roo bites him on the hand and Sissy spits at him. He starts swating at the girls as Lindsay shoves him from behind. The girls start screaming and Steve hangs back but MaryLou jumps in to the frey. |
| [Steve's house has turned into a wrestling match free-for-all. Arms swinging around, legs kicking, fingers scratching, mouths biting.] [MaryLou grabs this opportunity to give Lindsay what-for. She grabs a pair of scissors and starts chopping her hair off. Lindsay screams. More kicking and scratching and biting among the five women.] But wait, where is Det. Hunter? [Why he's sitting on the couch with Steve, drinking a beer and munching popcorn!!] Steve: Sure do wish I had some mud lying around here. |
| HUNTER: I've got a camcorder out in my car. STEVE: Well, go get it! If we don't capture this scene on tape, we'll never forgive ourselves. [The writhing pile of screaming, fighting female bodies suddenly grows still when Velma shouts.] VELMA: Wait a minute! Why are we fighting each other? THERE is the source of all our problems! [Velma points at Steve and Detective Hunter on the couch. The others mutter, "Yeah! They are the problem..."] STEVE: [Holding his hands up, palms out] Hey, I'm not the source of anybody's problems. MARYLOU: DOWN WITH MEN! VELMA, LINDSAY, LING ROO: Yeah! Men stink! Men make things worse for everybody! SISSY: I like men... MARYLOU: Shut up, Sissy! You ain't lived long enough to find out what skunks men are! |
| Ling Roo: Well I have! I had a boyfriend in China 'cause I was popular. Sissy: You were a geek there! I saw your yearbook! Ling Roo: Shut it! I'm getting a pretty good rep here, don't ruin it. Marylou: Detective, what is the meaning of this? Hunter: Uh... I don't... know. |
| Lindsay and Velma turn to stare at Detective Hunter. "What is this business about a warrant and who signed it? You know darn well that Velma ain't never done nothin' wrong - well...unless you count wearin them special bloomers for the Mayor...Buttkiss...I'll give him a buttkiss with the end a my foot if I see him...Velma and me are gonna leave...come on Velma!" Detective Hunter jumps up off the couch and heads to over to the door. Steve looks around himself in dismay. Redhair is everywhere and MaryLou is firing herself up all over again. "We are goin' get out of our way Deeetective!" "I don't think so!" The Detective pulls out some handcuffs. Ling Roo has been eding her way over to the Detective. "Stop right there Ling Roo! I'd like a look at your passport." "Sure Detective - it's right here." Ling Roo pretends to be compliant. As she hands her passport to Detective Hunter she sweeps his legs with her right foot in a neat, forceful swish and the Detective falls on his butt. "Run -Lindsay and Velma" screams Sissy as MaryLou jumps on top of the Detective. |
| [Steve is still sitting on the couch, dismayed and overwhelmed by all the estrogen in his home. He decides enough is enough. He stands up and tries to look assertive and commanding.] Steve: YESSS, Lindsay and Velma, RUN! I can't handle five of you insane women in my house! Ling and Sissy, you two get back into the pool with Chompy! MaryLou, get off of Det. Hunter! Hunter, get out of my house! [Steve tries to look ferocious, but ends up just looking silly. MaryLou giggles at the expression on his face, as she extricates herself from Hunter.] MaryLou: Why, honey, I never heard you speak like that before! I think I kinda like it! [MaryLou walks over to Steve and gives him a kiss. Hunter jumps up from the floor, enraged.] Hunter: Fine, I'm leaving! But don't think you've heard the last from me, MaryLou!! I'm not giving up on you yet! MaryLou: Oh, shut up, you idiot! I didn't want you in high school and I sure don't want you now! Not when I've got my Stevie! |
| As Detective Hunter gets in his car Steve calls out, "And STAY away!" Steve turns to MaryLou. "I guess I told him." MaryLou snuggles next to Steve. "You sure did! You big strong handsome aggressive powerful guy." "Right," says Steve. "That's me in a nutshell." Under her breath, MaryLou mumbles, "A nutshell alright!" "What's that? What did you say?" "Nothing, sweets. Hot tub?" Steve grins. "Yeahhhh. Good idea. Hot tub!" MEANWHILE, OUT IN THE BACKYARD Ling Roo: These people are crazy. Sissy: I know. It's wild. Did you hear that woman call me a vampire? Hahahahaha! Ling Roo: Oooooooo.... I vill suck your blooood! Sissy: Hahahahahaha! You wish! Ling Roo: It's hot tonight. Want to swim with Chompy? Sissy: How can you do that? He's a shark! |
| Ling Roo: Ahh, I have my ways... if I could bring down a full grown man I think I can handle a small lil shark that's not even aggressive. Sissy: Why did Hunter ask for your passport anyway? Ling Roo is about to answer but the are interupted by a screech by MaryLou: "STEVE! I said bring the massaging oil, not OLIVE OIL!" Ling Roo and Sissy just giggle. |
| Meanwhile, Lindsay and Velma Louise have run back home to get some sleep. They still need to find Snake and they are worried about Detective Hunter making up all those false charges about Velma but they are exhausted from all the estrogen levels rising. Detective Hunter has raced in his car over to the Mayor's office. |
| [Meanwhile, back in the hot tub...] MaryLou: Ooooo Stevie, I liked it so much when you ordered that no-good, stalking Hunter outta the house! My hero! [she looks at him with doe eyes] Steve[flexes his biceps]: Yeah, I sure told him, huh?! Stupid jerk! Busting in my house and scaring all the women. Yeah, I bet he won't be trying that again anytime soon! Ummmmm maybe we should we get a guard dog? MaryLou: Ah, no, sweetie, I think the chickens will last Chompy for awhile. Dang, they reproduce fast, dont they? Never mind all that right now, c'mere and let me massage those big strong shoulders of yours. [Rub, rub] MaryLou: You know what, sweets? I think I'm gonna make you a really scrumptious dinner tomorrow. How about that lasagna I been promising? Would you like that, baby? Steve: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz |
| Meanwhile, at the Mayor's office... MAYOR: Hunter, I can't believe what a mess you are making of this! HUNTER: Yeah? Well you don't have to deal with those crazy people face-to-face. You ever have five women jump you? It's not as much fun as it might sound. MAYOR: You can't handle a few women, Hunter? I'm just asking you to clean up this mess. HUNTER: YOU created the mess, not ME. Why don't YOU clean it up. [The two men stare hard at each other. Finally the mayor speaks through tight lips.] MAYOR: Hunter, I could bust you. Take your job away. Put you in jail. All I'm asking is for you do a few simple things. Are you up to it or not? HUNTER: YOU could bust ME!? Why you old fool! The things I know about you would put you out of business forever! MAYOR: Hunter! Let's not be stupid. Destroying each other is not going to solve the problem. We need to do something about Snake and Velma and Lindsay. HUNTER: Like what? MAYOR: You don't expect me to answer that, do you? Use your imagination... Just deal with it, Hunter. Solve. The. Problem. ...While over in the backyard of the shack, two girls are swimming with the shark named Chompy... SISSY: Eeeek! I think he bit me! LING ROO: That's just his way of playing. It's just a nibble. He didn't break the skin, did he? SISSY: Noooo, I guess not, but he's so scarey! And his skin feels like sandpaper! LING ROO: Cool, isn't it? SISSY: You didn't tell me why Detective Hunter wanted to see your passport? |
| Ling Roo: I don't know, I'm not illegal or anything. He was probably just trying to distract us... |
| Lindsay and Velma have woken up after an exhausted sleep. Lindsay stumbles to the bathroom. While Velma trudges into her kitchen to make coffee. "Velma...when do you have to go to work? I think you need to stay away from tht place for a while. Something is not right...OH MY GOD!...what happened to MY HAIR?" Velma plods over to the bathroom, pokes her head in the door and starts laughing. "Shoot Lindsay...I think I remember MaryLou cuttin' it off yesterday during the whoop-de-la with Deeetective Hunter...girl you are a mess!" "Velma you just stop that laughin' right now. This ain't funny. We got serious stuff to do and now I gotta stop at Frankly A Disaster and get my hair fixed. Then we are goin' to get MaryLou back fur this...not too mention find that dang Snake." Velma tries to stop laughing but her gut is hurtin' and she is now rollin' on the floor. "I mean it Velma!" Lindsay jumps on Velma and starts punching at her. Velma starts bawling again. "Where is yur sense of hummm...mor, Lindsay!" Sniff, sniff. "Hey, I just got me a great idea! Let's git that Ling-Roo to teach us some of them moves...then we can git Deeetective Hunter and I cin do somethin' to pay MaryLou back. She is tryin' to make me look bad to Steve...come on Velma. Stop yur bawling and git dressed. We got us another mission." |
| [Meanwhile back at the loveshack, Steve is just beginning to wake up. The scent of eggs, bacon, and coffee pulling him into the kitchen. There, he sees MaryLou flipping some eggs and the two girls seated at the table, wolfing down some blueberry pancakes.] MaryLou: Good morning, love! Did you sleep well? Sit down at the table while I get you some coffee and breakfast fixed up. Steve: MooLoo, what's come over you? You've never fixed me breakfast before! [Ling Roo and Sissy exchange amused glances, trying not to burst into laughter.] MaryLou: Honey, what's wrong with your face?! It looks....weird... |
| STEVE: It does? Funny weird or yucky weird? [Ling Roo and Sissy laugh] What's going on in here? I know one thing... I want some of that breakfast! Mmmm... Blueberry pancakes. I'll start with a couple of those pancakes and go on from there. LING ROO: Steve, how big was Chompy when you first got him? STEVE: Oh, he was a little itty bitty thing. I was down at the beach with a friend and we were pulling a seine through the shallows. You know what a seine is? It's a long net with a handle at each end and two people walk through the water dragging it between them. Anyway, we pulled it up on shore and it was full of all kinds of things -- crabs and conchs and all kinds of little fish. We picked out what we wanted and dumped the rest back into the ocean. But this little tiny shark got hung up in the net and so I had to get him loose and I thought, Well, he's so cute, I'm just gonna put him in my aquarium. Back then I had a small saltwater aquarium set up in my living room, but as Chompy grew bigger it seems the other fish mysteriously disappeared. I eventually figured out that mystery, but by then I was attached to Chompy. Well, this old shack had that swimming pool out back that hadn't been used in years. It was full of algae and who knows what. A friend of mine in the highway department gave me a shed full of road salt and I converted that pool into a home for Chompy. So now you know the whole story. |
| Ling Roo: Oh. Thanks for telling me. But it looks really gross when you talk. You need to look in the mirror. |
| MaryLou: Now, Ling Roo, is that any way to speak to your host? Telling him he looks gross?! Shame on you! And after he let you play with Chompy! I bet your Momma would be sore disappointed in you! |
| That's all right. [Steve looks in mirror, opens mouth wide, waggles tongue around, grins, closes mouth] I'm seeing nothing. Is somebody pulling my leg? [Sits back down] Okay, I'm ready for the eggs and bacon now. Sissy, what have you and Ling Roo got planned for today? School starts back at the end of the month, doesn't it? |
| Ling Roo: Sorry Steve... you see... there was something on your tooth. MaryLou: Still, you shouldn't be mean to Steve. Ling Roo: *pouts* No excuse for this one. Sissy: You are really lame, Ling Roo. Ling Roo: 'Guess so! |
| There is a pounding at the back door. MaryLou hurries over to see who it is. She grabs a frying pan just in case it is Lindsay and her new haircut. MaryLou knows there will be trouble over that one. Opening the door she starts to laugh. "God Lord boy - where have you been all this time? It is Snake and right behind him running and screeching, is Velma and Lindsay. "Where you bin you great hunk of manhood? We got some news for you boy!" Lindsay is pounding Snake on the back. Velma is hanging her head and crying softly for a change. Snake looks around quickly. "Just let me in the house and I'll tell ya all everythin. It won't do for me ta be seen." Everyone piles in quickly, almost knocking MaryLou out of the way. |
| MaryLou: Lindsay! No one invited you in here! You just get yourself right back on out of here! Steve: Now, now, MooLoo, let's hear what Snake has to say. I'm sure Lindsay and Velma wanna know as much as we do. MaryLou: Humph! [MaryLou very pointedly turns her back to Lindsay and starts talking to Snake.] MaryLou: Here, Snake sweetie, have a seat at the table while I get you some breakfast. Lindsay: Better watch out you don't get food poisoning, Snake! He, he. [Lindsay jumps behind Velma when MaryLou whirls around towards her.] MaryLou: Lindsay, I don't care what my Stevie says, if you don't keep your mouth shut when you're here, I'm gonna throw you right out that door! [Ling Roo and Sissy giggle behind their hands.] |
| STEVE: Calm down everybody! Let's hear what Snake has to say. [The kitchen grows quiet, all eyes on Snake. While MaryLou is not looking at her, Lindsay sticks her tongue out at MaryLou. Ling Roo stifles a giggle.] SISSY: Shhhhhh..... |
| Snake sits down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs. He wearily rubs his hands over his face. He is looking scrufier than usual. Taking a deep breath he begins to speak. "Thanks MaryLou. I haven't had a decent feed in days. I've been hiding out in that old abandoned shed just outside of town." "But..." Lindsay starts to interrupt but MaryLou shoots her a warning look so she shuts her mouth. "Just hold on to yourself Lindsay...I'm tired and I need to get this out. The night Miss Ethel was killed I had been over there. I just wanted her to own up as I was sure she was my only relative still on this earth. She told me to sit and wait while she made coffee. Seems she had some information for me." Everyone is so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. "Well, I heard this God-awful commotion coming from the kitchen and when I went in there Miss Ethel was deader than a doornail- all laid out on the floor. Guess you could say I panicked. I went runnin' out that backdoor faster than greased lightenin'! I saw this car drivin' away. It was a big old caddie - blue on white...must a been a "65". Couldn't see the license plate though. I ran to my place and packed my gear and got on my bike and road hell- bent for leather. Ain't no one gonna believe it weren't me that done her in! I been hidden from Detective Hunter as he hates me." Everyone just stares at Snake. "See what I mean - I reckon none of you believe me either. I came back 'cause I just gotta figure out who done it. I need your help!" |
| [A loud knocking is heard at the door. Lindsay screams.] Lindsay: Oh my God, it's him! It's Det. Hunter back again. Everyone run!!! [MaryLou rolls her eyes in disgust.] Steve: Now, Lindsay. You don't know that it's Det. Hunter. I'll just go have a look. Um, MooLoo, grab that skillet, okay? [Steve and MaryLou go to the front door of the shack.] Steve: Who is it? Female voice: It's Suze from the Mini Mart! Let me in, Steve. I got to talk to you all! [Steve opens the door, and Suze bounces in. She is in her mid-twenties, average height, and has long, dark brown hair.] Suze: Oh, Steve! What a hateful, suspicious place this town has become! Why, I just don't know who to trust anymore! Well, except for you, Steve-o. [MaryLou looks hatefully at her for that nickname.] What do you mean, Steve-o?! |
| SUZE: Nothing. Just being friendly, MaryLou. I don't know why you always think everybody is after your Stevie. He ain't much of a catch. [There are some giggles and snickers, but not from MaryLou] MARYLOU: You take that back! STEVE: Aw, MaryLou, calm down. Suze is just joking. Come on, Suze, we can talk out in the yard. [Steve and Suze go outside.] SNAKE: Y'all got any idea who did it? MARYLOU: Oh, everybody's got lots of ideas. That doesn't mean anybody really knows. VELMA: You said a blue and white Cadillac? Doesn't Jaylene drive a Caddy? SNAKE: I don't know. I don't never hang out with her. MARYLOU: I can't stand her. LING ROO: Who is Jaylene? SISSY: She's the night dispatcher at the police department. You want to go outside and play with Chompy? LING ROO: Yeah. Let's see if he can balance that beachball on his nose. SISSY: (giggling) He's not Flipper! |
| Ling Roo: But I bet we can try! (Ling Roo and Sissy run outside) MaryLou: Ok, well... now we don't have to worry about them hearing stuff. |
| MaryLou, Lindsay and Velma are fighting for sspace at the backdoor trying to hear what Steve and Suze are saying. Snake is diving into the food MaryLou fixed for him and eating like it is his last supper. "Ahhh...girls...you want to come back here and tell me what has been happening?" Velma turns to look at Sanke and her eyes mist up with tears. "Snake, I go somethin' I gotta tell you..." Velma starts to sniffle as Snake gives her his attention. MaryLou and Lindsay turn around and stare at Velma. There mouths are hanging open. "Ah, Snake, there ain't no good way to tell you this so here it comes. I am yur Mama, natural borned and your daddy is actually..." Steve comes pounded back into the house shouting... "Wait till you here this!" |
| [Steve trips over the doorsill and slides all the way into the kitchen.] Steve: Ouch! Dang, MaryLou! Do you HAVE to wax the floors everyday?! |
| MARYLOU: That ain't wax. That's motorcycle oil off the bottom of Snake's boots. SNAKE:{staring at Velma} You're my mama! VELMA: Yes, baby boy, yes! SNAKE: Then Miss Ethel... VELMA: No, she's not your mama. I am, Snake. SNAKE: I don't believe it. VELMA: Come on out to the car with me. I'll show you the proof. [Snake gets up and walks out with Velma] MARYLOU: {glaring at Lindsay} Well, ain't you going with them? LINDSAY: Maybe they want some privacy. MARYLOU: Maybe WE want some privacy. LINDSAY: MaryLou, one day Steve is gonna realize what a WITCH you are! MARYLOU: You little egg-sucking tramp! [MaryLou charges at Lindsay, but Steve yanks her back] STEVE: Not again! Lindsay? You might want to see the new trick Ling Roo and Sissy are teaching Chompy. LINDSAY: {turning up her nose at MaryLou] Thanks, Stevie honey! I'll go out back and look. ...Out in the backyard... Sissy? Ling Roo? Are y'all out here? |
| Sissy: Yeah! We've got Chompy to swim through a hoola hoop that we put underwater. Ling Roo: Ouch! The stupid hoola hoop cut me with that rigid edge to it... Sissy: Get out, Roo! OUT! (Sissy jumps out) Ling Roo: Why? Sissy: Just do! [Ling Roo gets out] Lindsay: What's wrong? Sissy: Ling Roo got a cut! Sharks love blood - he would have eaten us if we stayed in there any longer. |
| Lindsay starts laughing. Lindsay: You come out anyway 'cause I need Ling Roo to teach me some of those fancy foot moves. Ya never know when you need to get rid of someone bein' a pain-in-the-butt. [Lindsay looks around to see if MaryLou heard that one. The girls scramble around for towels. Ling Roo is very pleased to be able to show off her skills and starts to demonstrate some of the easier moves to Lindsay.] [Meanwhile, Snake and Velma are looking at a birth certificate and some newborn photos and Velma is sobbing between photos. Snake looks like he has been hit by a ton of bricks.] Snake: "But Velma...I mean Mom...who is my daddy? It says here "unknown." Velma: "I never wanted people to know 'cause he threatened he'd kill me if I did tell, son. I finally tole Miss Ethel one day when I was really weepy. Your natural borned daddy is Mayor Buttkiss!" [Snake is astounded and hits himself in the head.] Snake: "That must be what Miss Ethel wanted to tell me!" Velma: "I reckon it is, son, now he is tryin' to have me arrested on trumped up charges. Probably to be sure I keep my mouth shut. Son, I am so scared. All you people are in danger 'cause I was so weak and told ya an all." [Snake hugs his little old mama and steers her back inside.] Snake: "Mama, we gotta hear what Suze told Steve." [Ling Roo and Sissy are falling down laughing over Lindsay's efforts to learn the new moves. Snake shouts for them to all come in and hear the news.] |
| [They all re-enter the house and see MaryLou crying on Steve's shoulder.] MaryLou: Oh, Stevie! [sniff] I hate all these crazy goings-on! I hate all these people bustin' in our home [sniff] at all hours of the day and night! I just [sniff] want everything like it used to be! [sniff] I just want us to relax in the hot tub and [sniff] play with the supersoakers again! [sniff] Honey, tell em all to just GO AWAY! None of this is our business. [sniff] Steve: Aw, don't you worry, MooLoo. I'll get it all straightened out soon and we can go back to our footloose and fancy free lifestyle soon. MaryLou: [sniff] You promise? Steve: Of course, babe. Would ole Stevie lie to you? MaryLou [perking up]: He better not, because I would.... Snake: Ahem. [Realizing they're not alone anymore, Steve tries to step back, but MaryLou holds him tight.] Steve: Oh, so ya'll are back, huh? MooLoo, stop squeezing me so hard! Snake: Yeah, we're back. And we wanna know what Suze said to you. |
| STEVE: (stunned look on face) You won't believe... {There are screams from outside. Everybody rushes out to see Detective Hunter trying to drag Suze out of her car.] STEVE: What's going on here?! HUNTER: Suze is under arrest for the murder of Miss Ethel. SNAKE: Suze?! STEVE: That's impossible! SUZE: I knew there was something about her face! [While Hunter is talking, Suze stomps on her gas pedal and squeals away, spinning wheels across Steve's yard] HUNTER: Hey! [He tries to jump in his car,but Steve and Snake hold him back.] STEVE: Just a minute, Hunter. Why do you think Suze did it? HUNTER: You'll find out soon enough. [He shakes loose and gets in his car, but Suze has had time to get away.] SNAKE: What do you think of that, Steve? STEVE: (shaking his head) Amazing... [Sissy comes running around the house from the back] SISSY: Steve! MaryLou! Come see the new trick me and Ling Roo taught to Chompy! |
| Ling Roo: Yeah! And after this I think I better get going - I told my parents I was sleeping over here, so yeah. |
| Everone is standing and staring at each other. Snake shakes his head trying to clear all his thoughts. "Sorry, I just do not believe it were Suze. We bin friends for so long and that girl don't hae a mean bone in her body!" Lindsay is chewing on her lower lip. She turns to Velma. I don't like it either. But who else could it be? Hey - isn't Jaylene good friends with Suze? I'm sure I saw them drinkin' togeather down at the Fishbowl Inn. Velma thinks hard about what Lindsay just said. "I guess I have seen 'em but I also saw them hanging with Ernie and he gets boxes from Suze all the time." Steve and MaryLou look like they want to be alone. Steve reckons they need to figure this out but he and MaryLou are getting tired of the circus on their doorstep. Tell ya what Snake. If you all go away for a few hours, MaryLou will make a lasagna for all of us and we kin meet back here and talk this through." MaryLou looks like she wants to hit Steve with the skillet but she knows she can always get a Stouffers frozen lasagna and she and Steve will have some peace for a change. She nods her head. "Sure, you all go away - especially you Lindsay, and come back at 5 and we'll hash this out. Bring some Sierra Mist and desert. Now go home and let me and my hunk of a man have some free-time." Snake, Velma and Lindsay start over to Snake's house. Ling Roo and Sissy head over to their house. MaryLou turns to Steve. "Ahhh...Steve...what did Suze want?" |
| Steve: Not now, MooLoo. Let's relax for a change and worry bout all that stuff when the others return. I need to try to sort all this out in my head anyway. MaryLou: Alright, sweetie. You grab the oil, ummm MASSAGE oil, and I'll go turn on the hot tub. |
| zzzzzzzzzzzz....... ------------------------------------------------- -- -- -- Last Day of Contest is Friday -- -- -- Winners announced here Saturday morning! -- -- ------------------------------------------------- |
| *Knock Knock* |
| Lindsay and Snake race to the door. They peek through the side window to see who it is. "Oh Ling Roo, come on in. Where is Sissy?" Lindsay smiles at Ling Roo. "Hi, Sissy is comin'. We thought you might want some more lessons before we go have lasagna with Steve and MaryLou." Snake steps back and lets Sissy and Ling Roo in the house. "Ling Roo -what can Velma and me do to get someone to hti the ground fast?" Lindsay really wants to learn. Snake starts to laugh. "Kick 'em in the knee Lindsay - it always works for me!" Lindsay hits Snake in the arm. "I'm serious Snake. I don't trust that Deetective Hunk Hunter. He is still after you and Velma, ya know!" A sudden loud pounding at the door and Detective Hunter is shouting. "POLICE -OPEN UP WE HAVE A WARRRANT!" Everyone starts running around the room, falling all over each other. Snake runs to his bedroom and hollers for everyone to follow him. Lifting a trapdoor he urges everyone down the steps. They all scramble down the ladder and Snake leads the way through a tunnel. At the end is a door. Snake throws the door open and they pile out. They are in the old shed at the back of Steve and MaryLou's. Snake leads them out and they race over to the kitchen door. Snake starts pounding on the door! "MARYLOU - STEVE LETS US IN - QUICK!" |
| [MaryLou shakes Steve awake.] MaryLou: Stevie, wake up! There's someone trying to break the kitchen door down! |
| STEVE: Huh! Oh, alright! [Steve opens the back door and everyone piles in.] What's going on? SNAKE: Detective Hunter is coming! [Hunter walks in.] HUNTER: That's right. You're all under arrest for aiding and abetting the murder of Miss Ethel! STEVE: You got to be kidding, Hunter. ALL of us?! HUNTER: That's right, Steverino. You and your little band of murderers are going to FRY in the electric chair! Muahahahaha! SISSY: (whispering to Ling Roo) I think he's crazy! HUNTER: I heard that little missy! You're in on this, too! Don't think I don't know what's going on! STEVE: Hunter, stop this nonsense. Do you have a shred of proof about any of this? [Hunter whips a sheaf of papers out of his trenchcoat and brandishes them at the group.] HUNTER: These! Sworn statements by witnesses! Your neighbors! You're all implicated in the murder of that poor sweet little old lady. VELMA: Oh, she WAS a dear old thing! [begins sobbin] SNAKE: Easy, mom. MARYLOU: Hunter, you liar! You know none of us killed Miss Ethel! |
________________________________________ !!!!!!!!!! WINNERS ANNOUNCED !!!!!!!!!!! ________________________________________ A dozen amateur sleuths entered the Who Killed Miss Ethel contest. There will be 9 third place prizes of 3000GPs each. There are 2 second place winners who will receive a Comedy Merit Badge and a Creativity Merit Badge. And there is out first place winner who will receive a Mystery Merit Badge and 5000GPs. ____________________________________________ Now keep reading, because the third place winners will be revealed in the campfire story... |
| HUNTER: None of you killed Miss Ethel? That's not what your neighbors think. Of course, there is always a few loonies. I'll get them out of the way first. epiphany14 says that Detective Hunter is the one who killed Miss Ethel! Hahaha! Right. I've got that loony locked in my jail now. And AL  says the butler did it! Sure. Stevie and MaryLou with a butler! Hahahaha! The shack rats with a butler! Hahahahaha!I reckon I know a loony when I see one. |
| MARYLOU: [under her breath] Takes one to know one. [Chuckles are heard] HUNTER: [furious] There is nothing funny about murder, people! |
| HUNTER: Your neighbors can be gruesome. missladyjaye says Toothless Joe did it and even I find it a little over the top how he did it. Let's just say that it involves eyeballs and a melon scooper and leave it at that! |
| HUNTER: Everybody in this shack not only WOULD hurt a fly but DID IT! YOU KILLED HER! Now shut up and let me continue reading your nice neighbors' comments about your unspeakably evil behavior... acuozzo says there were 14 killers! Seven kids and seven dogs! I don't guess we'll be pursuing that line of thought. [Hunter tosses that sheet of paper over his shoulder} Grammar Hawk thinks that Suze used her automobile in a very malicious way. We're still looking for Suze and her killer auto. Don't worry. We'll get her!schipperke says there ain't no murderer at all. That if we just look in Miss Ethel's kitchen at those two red boxes on the shelf, then we'll all know what happened. Yeah, she killed herself. I shoulda filed that one with the loonies. {tosses paper over his shoulder] |
| Snake [yawn]: This is getting boring. Just get on with it, Hunter, will you? Just who, in your warbled mind, did kill Miss Ethel? |
| HUNTER: I reckon you meant "warped" mind, Snake, but you being a birdbrain, it came out as "warbled" -- tweet, tweet! Hahahaha! SNAKE: Stick it, Hunter. I think YOU did it! HUNTER: Who killed Miss Ethel? The big question. But I got the answers. Hahahahaha! PastVoices thinks MaryLou did it with the frying pan. [Winks at MaryLou} It's gonna be rough in prison, MaryLou. Good thing you've got me for a friend to help you survive in the Big House.candyman81 thinks Athena killed Miss Ethel by bellydancing. Death by bellydance? That's a new one. hey, MaryLou, maybe you and Athena can share a cell and she can teach you some of those moves? Wooo-hooo! Hahahaha! |
| HUNTER: [Holding up a sheet of paper] Guess who this one is from, Steve? You know that nice exchange student who likes sharks? Yes, Ling Roo is naming names, too. roobear1 says it's all about teeth. Toothless Joe wanted Miss Ethel's false teeth. You know, I thing a certain girl has some unresolved issues with the Tooth Fairy. ---------------------------------------------- Roo will be getting an extra bonus for being a character in the campfire. She was great as Ling Roo. Let's hear it for Roobear! Yayy! |
| A special thanks to Laart1-Season of the Heart who introduced two new characters, Velma and Lindsay, and brought them to life. She also gave Snake his first dialogue and put in an excellent contest entry as well! Laart1-Season of the Heart wins a Creativity Merit Badge! Take a bow, Lin! Yayy! |
| Writer of the Winds cracked us up with his funny entry. It also helped a lot that he gave us a huge bag of GPs. Have you finished counting those GPs yet, MaryLou? {"Still counting, Steve"). Writer of the Winds gets the Comedy Merit Badge! Yayy! |
| STEVE: Hunter, ya been having a lot of fun with your little accusations, but do you know what I'm holding. {Steve holds up sheet of paper.} HUNTER: So? What is it? STEVE: It's a special delivery letter from Suze, your prime suspect. I'll read it to you: To whom it may concern: This is Suzy, the cashier at the MagicMart, and I object to all the implications that I am somehow responsible for Miss Ethel’s demise. I was working that night for sure, and it is true that I had a delivery of groceries to Miss Ethel’s, and it is true that I inadvertently dropped a love note from Detective Hunter into the grocery bags, BUT, I did not kill Miss Ethel! I went over there to find my love letter, and Hunk came by, and Miss Ethel starting screaming, and he held a pillow over her face, BUT it did not kill her. When we left, she was unconscious but still alive. We didn’t find that love letter either and there was a missing bag of groceries. I have my suspicions because Steve and MooLoo live next door to Miss Ethel. They never come into the MagicMart for food, just Sierra Mist, new water soakers, and chicken feed-- so I have my suspicions where that other bag of groceries went. MooLoo hasn’t said anything about finding my love letter in that bag, so I think maybe it fell out as she snuck across the lawn in the dark. Someone found that letter that night, someone who went back to Miss Ethel’s house and found her unconscious and KILLED HER!!!! And I think I know who. They all come in at one time or another, and I know a lot more about these folks than most. You take Snake for example. Oh sure, they always want to blame Snake for everything, ‘cause he rides a hog and has tattoos all over his arms, but Snake is the sweetest man in this whole blame town. He couldn’t hurt nobody. He always puts pennies in the extra dish case someone needs one. Everytime that old Steve comes in for his chicken feed he swipes them pennies, like they are meant to be his. I seen him. He thinks I’m busy behind the counter but I seen him through the ceiling mirrors. He didn’t kill Miss Ethel neither, ‘cause he’s too passive all he wants to do is sit in his hot tub and play with MooLoo. She didn’t kill Miss Ethel. Why would she? I know she is stealing Miss Ethel’s food ‘cause I send the same things over and Miss Ethel calls me and tells me she didn’t get something she ordered. I never told Miss Ethel about MooLoo, ‘cause, well I like MooLoo. She is spunky, you know. And anyone who can keep Steve in line is aces in my book. Ernie comes in all the time looking for day old donuts. He don’t have much, ya know, and I feel sorry for him, ‘sides he’s a good ‘ol boy. Sometimes I slip him a bottle of wine. That’s why I know he didn’t have nothing to do with Miss Ethel’s demise, ‘case he was drunk as a skunk that night. It weren’t Welfare Molly either. She comes in here with those brats of hers cashing her welfare check and spending her food stamps on Slurpees for them kids. But, most folks don’t know this, but Molly and Miss Ethel were half sisters. Their daddy was a rover and spent a lot of time slinking around town with the women. Molly wouldn’t do nothing to Miss Ethel ‘cause she was the only family left after their daddy shot himself accidentally in a hunting trip with Toothless Joe. Old Toothless Joe knew theys was related and knew their daddy. They went hunting all the time, half them dogs he got out there used to belong to Miss Ethel’s daddy. When he fell over that log and shot himself, Joe just took them dogs in like they was his own. Now, I’ll admit, there was a time when I thought maybe old Joe was the murder and maybe that was no accident out there in them woods, and maybe he found my love letter and killed Miss Ethel, but it don’t make no sense. Why would he care if I was in love with Hunk Hunter or not? Miss Ethel would have thrown a fit if she’d knowd ‘cause Hunk is the best dancer at the lodge and everybody wants a turn with him, course Miss Ethel thought he had a thing for her. She thought the same thing about the Mayor. Wearing them bloomers, OH I KNOW ABOUT THEM BLOOMERS. I tell you, I know plenty about this town. Everybody comes in telling me their business and everybody else’s. You take that Velma, the mayor’s secretary, now there’s a possible suspect. She always resented the fact that Snake thought Miss Ethel was his kin, you know, of course that Velma is Snake’s momma. I know, I know what you are thinking, but that’s the way it is around here, everybody is related to everybody. Most of the time you might find yourself in bed with kin and not even know it ‘till it’s too late and then Oops there comes another cousin baby that is actually your nephew or something. Like that Lindsay who says she is Velma’s cousin, well, don’t tell nobody, but she ain’t Velma’s cousin she is Velma’s little baby girl. Velma is just toooo vain to let anybody know she is old enough to be a momma of a grown up like Lindsay. Lindsay’s daddy is Jethro Tull, he’s the owner of Tull’s Electronics & Flute Repair. He had a fling with Velma long ago and won’t talk to her now. He sends in his child support payments on time, comes in here to get the money order to pay the court. $68.00 a month for that mistake. When Lindsay finally turned eighteen he celebrated with a bottle of my best wine, that was a few years back now and I don’t think him and Velma say more than two words a year to one another. When they pass on the street, Velma gives him those googly eyes, but he just puts his head down and moves right on. I think Old Jethro is inclined to the other side of the street anyway and Velma was just a one night fling to make sure which away he wanted to go. I seen Jethro come in here a couple of times buying a packet of extra large condoms, and they be one of them slick boys from the state college down by the county line sitting in his car waiting on him. So that makes Snake and Lindsay half kin, you see what I mean! Everybody round here is related to someone, even me. But, I’ll tell you about that later. And I know it weren’t Athena, the Belly Dancer, cause she had already left town before Miss Ethel was murdered. Besides, Athena is the sweetest little thing, it ain’t her fault those hips of hers got so big with all that thrusting and swaying she does. She is real good friends with MaryLou. I think it was Athena that gave MaryLou that nickname of MooLoo? But, anyway I know it was Athena that introduced Steve to MaryLou back at the Moose Lodge picnic. So who does that leave? The murderer of course-- Jaylene, the night dispatcher over at the police station did it. She comes in here for her cigarettes and latté coffee like she is some sort of society woman. Thinks she is better than the rest of us ‘cause she’s from out of town. Snake went out with Jaylene one time and he told me that she was a snob and wouldn’t go out with her again. Jaylene thinks she is better than us ‘cause she knows who her momma and daddy are. But, she got a crush on my Hunk. I seen her in here, giving him eyes when he is reading the Playboys and waiting for me to finish my shift. She was in here that night too, when I sent the groceries over to Miss Ethel. That’s why I dropped that letter. I was watching her, swaying her stuff toward Hunk and bumping against him when she went to the latte’ machine. I figure she followed him out there and she found that love letter from Hunk to me. It must have made her really mad to think that anybody else read that letter, or that me and Hunk were still inside Miss Ethel’s house. Maybe she thought we had a three-some going on? Who knows what goes that slut’s mind. But, I know she did it. Steve doesn’t even realize that he holds the key to proving it too. See him and MaryLou were in the hot tub and they heard noises outside-- that was Jaylene breaking into Miss Ethel’s window. If only he could remember that he heard Jaylene's voice calling out for Hunk. (But, he keeps hitting his head and forgetting things. Lord, it's a wonder that he don't knock all the sense out of hisself.) Ernie told me that he was sleeping off his bottle when Jaylene wandered down under the bridge and stepped on his ankle. She was muttering, “that old woman won’t tell nobody” over and over again. Now for the biggest secret of this town…I told you I was kin to someone. It’s Steve. We’s twins. See momma couldn’t take care of both of us so she adopted him out, but we always knew where he was and I been watching him growed up and all, you know, keeping tabs on him. I knew someday I might tell him. He’s so happy in his own little world with MaryLou he don’t need me interfering with his life. So there you have it. That’s our town and that’s who kill poor old Miss Ethel. ------------------------------------------------ STEVE: So you see, Hunter, your little party was unnecessary. We know all about your twisted love triangle. HUNTER: Curses! Foiled by a shack rat! You haven't seen the last of me. [Hunter whirls his trenchcoat around his shoulders and slithers away.] ------------------------------------------------ For that wonderful entry sdodger wins the Mystery Merit Badge plus a bundle of GPs for being the number one winner! Yayy! |
| Steve: Hold on, Hunter! One thing I forgot to tell you. [Hunter slithers back.] What?! Steve: This! [Steve punches him in the jaw, knocking Hunter out cold.] MaryLou: My hero!!! |
| ................ THE END ..................... MaryLou and Steve hope you enjoyed that thrilling adventure, but don't think the story is over. It's two years later and MaryLou and Steve have moved to the city in "Invalid Item"  . Read it!
|
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