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Review #3671303
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (3.0)
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Title: A Letter to Stephon

Author: MichelleWriteMeow

Type: Short story


Hi, my name is Tiggy and I found your review request in the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. I would like to add before I begin that these suggestions and thoughts are simply one person’s opinion. Others may see it differently. If something I suggest helps, I am pleased. If not, please just ignore it. My intent is just to help you edit your story.


*BurstB* First Impression:

It’s an odd story about obsession, with a sado-masochistic undertone. Of course there is also that vampiric nature that you mentioned at the beginning. How much of this tale the reader should take literally, and how much we should read as metaphor, is debatable. While I don’t think there is necessarily a metaphor intended here, I can certainly see why there might be.

The ending seemed rather enigmatic to me. I’m not sure what you meant by, “The only communication she had with him since leaving so long ago, was when she needed his help – using his methods, his resources. What are his methods, his resources and what was the situation about, when she needed him that last time? Is there to be another chapter, or story?

While it’s an interesting story, it’s also a little jagged in places, and I will point out a few of those here:


*BurstBr* Suggestions:

*BulletG* Paragraph One:
on it’s once beautiful glass surface
“its”

A glass fortress of safety, solitude and dancing lights. A gift from her mother, who had passed away 15 years ago this winter.
These are two sentence fragments in a row. In the first one, ask yourself, “What about the glass fortress?” Then go add tour answer to that sentence. In the second, name the gift, don’t just say it was a gift, describe what the gift was.

she had not used the delicate candle holder.
I think it is “candleholder.”

To brush away the painful memories.
This is another sentence fragment. I’d add it to the previous sentence so that it has a subject.

*BulletG* Paragraph Two:
she tried so hard to let go of.
I wouldn’t generally end sentence with a preposition: of, near, at, upon, etc.

The image of that key sent something akin to chills down her spine.
I don’t think you need “something akin to” there. Just say sent chills down her spine. Not only is it more direct, but it’s clearer and allows steadier reading.

*BulletG* Paragraph Three:
or the manner in which he taught her in such distant memories.
I’m just not sure what that means. How does one teach another “in such distant memories?” It’s just a rhetorical question. If you understand the meaning, good. However, you might want to make it a little more readily understandable by your readers.

*BulletG* Paragraph Four:
She had found that out the hard way.
How so? If you bring it up, you really should explain what you mean to your readers.

*BulletG* Paragraph Five:
The man who had both created and destroyed her.
Another fragment. Ask yourself, “What about the man who both created and destroyed her?” Then add that to the sentence.

*BulletG* Paragraph Eight:
her life took a turn for the worst.
The phrase is usually “turn for the worse” but maybe you actually intended to say, “turn for the worst.” They imply different meanings, so pick the one that best fits your intent. Though it’s a cliché, so you might want to just rephrase it.

*BulletG* Paragraph Nine:
he was her cataclyst for courage and exhibition.
Do you mean “catalyst?”

*BulletG* Paragraph Ten:
It was the beginning of a transformation
While I guess you could state it the way it is written, you might also want to just write, it was a transformation

*BulletG* Paragraph Twelve:
but to Stephon, she was always a woman. A creature of beauty to be respected above all else.
I’d find a way to combine those two sentences as the second is a fragment. Maybe, but to Stephon she was always a creature of beauty, to be respected above all else.

She learned nearly everything that mattered in her unlife from him.
Unlife? That’s going to require some explanation for your readers to grasp the meaning you intend here.

She had abandoned them and now – when she was not alive at all
You may understand your implication here, but I’m not sure your reader will. Is she dead? Does “not alive” have another meaning to you, or those in the story? The reader needs to know what exactly her state of living is, in layman terms.

*BulletG* Paragraph Thirteen:
she thought he meant it in an loving
In “a” loving.

*BulletG* Paragraph Sixteen:
Her standing in his inner circle vanished, her resources and ties to the Kindred world were severed.
I’d make those two sentences.

*BurstV* Final Thoughts:

It is certainly not the usual type of story I read. I had to try to divorce myself from any thoughts as to this couple’s nature and just focus on the writing and grammar. That writing at times is good, at other times it can be a little lax, and I think a good edit would catch a lot of small things.

I do think there needs to be more description in places, especially explanations for the few passages I mentioned. Due to its subject matter, it is the type of story that will have a niche audience, and not a broad appeal. Whatever audience it’s meant for, you’ll want it polished, for with all fiction, it’s the clarity of the writing that makes the plot work.

I found myself focusing more on the psychological elements of the story, what would make someone do such a thing, find pleasure in it, allow another to define her pleasure. That’s probably not your goal, but if you wanted to tackle such a thing, it would add an extra dimension to your work, and bring in a wider reader base.





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