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 Review #3728222 |
 | A Day of Darkness  [18+] How far will one person go to prove themselves to their people? Contains violence.  |
 A Showering Acts of Joy Review  as part of your sh  wer from "Invalid Item" !Note:  As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away!   Hi Wolf-Man  ! This review come from the board over at the "The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"  After reading "A Day of Darkness" , I have these comments to offer: A swift-moving chapter about a werewolf on a mission to assassinate an associate of the emperor's adviser, with lots of blood and gore.Let me be honest here: I'm not a fan of werewolves and other clichéd fantasies, but I will try to be fair and look at this strictly from a writing perspective. The protagonist, Dagur, is a werewolf. Now, werewolves have been used over and over again in fantasy writing, and they have become clichéd. Unless you have something unique to bring to the table, why not lay these creatures to rest? Why not create a new fantasy creature? Wolves aren't the only "predator" animals... Also, in this chapter, I feel there is a lack of cause to sympathize with Dagur. So far he does a lot of gruesome killing and not much else. Perhaps this could put your reader off, especially in the first chapter? Then with all the "swift", "quick" and "calm"s, I felt you were trying to convince the reader to warm to Dagur. This only served to distance him from me. Then the plot... There's not much suspense and little reason to fly on to the next chapter. It could almost be a short story: Dagur has to do a mission. Dagur does the mission successfully. The end. So, on the positive side, here are some suggestions that might help out:  Characters & Creatures: Be original with your fantasy world and creatures therein. Watch out for clichés. (Did you know that fantasy is the single most clichéd genre? So in many ways it's the hardest to write.) Type into your Google search engine "fantasy cliches" and it will come up with some great links that may help you recognize and avoid cliché. (How To Avoid Cliches In Fantasy Writing , Ten Fantasy Clichés That Should Be Put To Rest , Grand List of Fantasy Cliches , The Not-So-Grand List of Overused Fantasy Cliches , and a funny one: The Evil Overlord .) Have a think about creatures you could create for your fantasy world. Create, don't copy, and you will be successful. Steer away from dwarves, elves, etc., and other creatures or concepts found in popular fantasy books/movies. Give Dagur feeling, thought and other qualities that will make your readers relate to him. What are his loves (a she-wolf?  )? Hates? Fears? Hopes? Does he love his family? Or despise them? What reasons endear him to them, or estrange him? Expand on his situation – are he and his clan victims of the emperor? Do they hate him? What has he done to earn their hate? Build up some suspense to draw readers into the next chapter. What will happen next? Give us a glimpse of an ongoing struggle. Description, Imagery & Setting: I want to see your world. Don't be afraid to give us some colourful descriptions. I know all this is hard to do in the first chapter, but you can touch on it a little. (For more about making your fantasy world more 3D, see Worldbuilding Questions By Patricia C. Wrede ) In the beginning, how many are gathered for the Helgiathöfn Fullrothsár? Are there many young werewolves like Dagur, or is the clan very small? What do the dwellings look like, or do they sleep in trees? Are the warewolves gathered tense with excitement? What does the forest sound like? Does Dagur see his family in the faces? Or is he related to everyone in the clan? Show us the countryside as he is walking. What are some characteristics of the scenery? Is it mountainous country, or flat and desert-like? Does he pass anyone on the road? Does he keep away from the road? Are the roads dangerous? Are there many of the emperor's soldiers, or bandits, perhaps? Are the werewolf clans hostile to one another? Does he fear meeting a certain clan? Then there's the city. Are the people different to those in our world? What do they look like? How do they dress? Is the city crowded? What are some of the sights? Are the buildings tall and overbearing, or short and slum-like? Is the air dusty or clear? What are some of the smells? – Especially if Dagur's best sense is smelling. Does he "smell" human? Does he like the smell? Does it remind him of dinner? Or is it a horrible smell? Grammar & Wording: Re-edit your grammar. I saw several grammar mistakes. I will quickly go over some of them before I close. In the opening sentence, we have four foreign words "Dagur", "Myrkri", "Helgiathöfn" and "Fullrothsár". Yikes! That's a bit of a mind-bender for your poor reader. Perhaps it would be easier on the reader if you rearranged the paragraph so the scene is described first, and then introduced your character and the name of the rite? Watch out for commas, especially in dialogue. Dialogue should be opened and closed with commas, i.e. He said, "Yes, sir." or "Yes, sir," he said. For ease of reading and to clarify who is speaking, space your dialogue down a paragraph: e.g. In front of him stood his father, adjacent to a small fire, "Are you ready" his father asked. He slowly looked around at the small glade lit by both the full moon and the fire. "Yes." He responded. "You will now be given your assignment..."should be (changes made in bold): In front of him stood his father, adjacent to a small fire. ¶ "Are you ready?" his father asked. ¶ Dagur slowly looked around at the small glade lit by both the full moon and the fire. ¶ "Yes," he replied. ¶ "You will now be given your assignment..." Beware of too many adverbs and adjectives (swiftly, quickly, calmly). Many are unnecessary and can be omitted entirely. When you do use them, use variety. Look up words in the thesaurus, if you're stuck. Nimbly, lithely, forcefully... etc. These words can be more interesting, too. Watch out for excess conjunctions, especially in your fight scenes (and, then, but, after). Avoid passive actions when you can use active. Keep your sentences short and don't repeat words. Make the actions easy for the reader to follow, and use solid words to keep the reader riveted. I won't record my edits, as it would look a bit messy, but you can compare it with what is there at the moment and use it as you will."What about my payment?" said the contact, as he stood and held out his hand for the money. ¶ "About that..." said Dagur. With lightning ferocity he spun around, snatching the man's extended wrist. Swiftly jerking him forward, he slammed his left palm into the man's face... He kicked the man's leg at his knee, snapping it loudly. He then grabbed the man at the shoulder and hauled him forward, swinging up his knee. It crashed into the abdomen and the man crumpled in agony. Before Dagur's foot had even touched the ground again, he grasped the man's arm in iron fists and snapped it like a twig. The man sank to the floor. Dagur placed his foot on the man's throat. He was bordering on unconsciousness when Dagur whispered, "Rotna í helveíti."  Another problem is repetition of "the man", but I'm not sure how you could change that. I'll leave that to your imagination! For more on writing fight scenes, see "Invalid Item" , How To Write Fight Scenes With Alan Baxter and Writing Fight Scenes   All right, this review has become long enough already.  I hope you'll forgive me. Although your story can do with some improvement, I think you're off to a good start. You've laid the foundations and introduced your reader quickly and easily to your fantasy world. I'm a fan of action-packed beginnings, and I congratulate you on a successful one.  Hopefully you'll find these comments helpful – I wish you all the best with your writing. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing "A Day of Darkness". Keep up the great work!  ~ Kasia Fi WRITE ON! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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