%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #3728298 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (3.5)| Note:  As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away!   Hi Sarah Kate ! This review comes from the board over at the "The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"  After reading "Invalid Item" , I have these comments to offer: This first chapter has certainly drawn me in. I'm eager to know what the story is all about and what will happen to Rachel.  (Hurry up and post the next chapters!  )I would suggest, however, to kick it off with a bit more plot. I feel that this scene lacks a bit in making it stand out. So far Rachel has sat through a class, nearly dozed off and had an unexpected conversation with her professor. We learn that she works two part time jobs to pay for tuition at the college. She is intelligent, but struggles to find time to juggle her work and school. She is about to go to another class and dreads not because it's Public Speaking, but because she shares the class with Mark Engels, a guy who seemingly likes everyone but her... I understand you want to give it a "normal" atmosphere and slowly introduce the reader to your world, but I would advise spicing it up with a bit of suspense, a bit of over-shadowing of what's going to happen. (And I'm praying "please don't let it be vampires". )I congratulate you on your grammar – it is almost flawless. I noticed only three typos (my edits in bold):  ...regardless of whom who the student was. (Who = subject [he/she]. Whom = object [him/her]. For more info see How To Use "Who" and "Whom" Correctly ) "Y...yes, Professor Muller?" She she stumbled... (Don't capitalize when defining speaker.) "Please summarize for the class the "Social Ladder" 'Social Ladder' in America." (Quotation marks within quotation marks should always be the opposite of the first, if that isn't too confusing.) ...he told her, grinning smiling slightly. (Smiling seems more appropriate, here, as grinning implies a big smile. Entirely your choice, though.)A pleasant and easy read. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters, if you get them up. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to read and review. I have enjoyed it immensely. Keep up the great work! ~ Kasia  Fi  WRITE ON! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
A Showering Acts of Joy Review 
wer from "
You have not yet responded to this review.