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 Review #3728681 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Greetings Nick I have carefully read "Invalid Item" and would like to offer** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  as part of your Shower!  I found your story through "Invalid Item" I'm not a professional, just a fellow WDC member who does reviews to improve my own writing and hopefully be of service to others. All suggestions are simply my own opinion to be used or discarded as you see fit.  TYPE: Autobiography Chapter  LENGTH: 1578 Words CONCEPT & TITLEThe Crispy Bacon Incident - The experiences of the author during one afternoon of cutting class and being confronted by his abusive father. You come up with some of the most attractive titles for your chapters! I especially like this one because of the humorous way it reads and the fact that the story is about a serious subject. Writing about an abusive parent isn't new, but your way of telling it made it uniquely interesting.  STRUCTUREThe action of story is arranged logically and it's fairly easy to follow. The opening line is excellent; one of the best I've read in a long time. It sets the mood and the scene while giving the reader something to ponder. You have a wonderful and quirky sense of humor. The emotional pull is strong, and although the subject is sad and upsetting, the reader finds an ending with some hope that the conflict has come to an end. The meat of the story is great, but there are numerous grammar and punctuation mistakes that make it hard to understand without re-reading some of the sentences. I've mentioned a few below, but there are others.  CHARACTERSYou've painted the real characters, yourself and your father, in an artistic manner. By the end of this one piece, the reader can fairly judge what kind of people these are and how they might react to any situation.  DIALOGUEExcellent job on the dialogue, spoken and thought (except for the f-bomb). It was relaxed, consistent, and believable.  TECHNICAL SUGGESTIONS In stories, always spell out numbers below 100: I was fifteen years old … eventually twelve o'clock arrived Mr. and Mrs. are always followed by a period. Check each sentence to make sure it has an ending punctuation mark. Be sure to capitalize the first word of every sentence, separate speaking tags that don't end in an exclamation or question mark with a comma, and start the speaking tag with a lowercase letter unless it's a proper noun: "Yes," I said. … put it on the cutting board," he barked. "What a complete bastard, he's mutilated me," I thought to myself. … getting home on your own?" he replied. your self, my self, and half way, are single words: yourself, myself, halfway Using the f-word in a story about the distant past, a time when it wasn't commonly used if at all, not only ruins its credibility but limits your readers. If you cursed at all, you most likely said 'bloody.' Avoid adding words that don't fit the time period. Avoid the f-bomb unless the story is set in recent times and it is entirely necessary to get your point across. When you start a sentence with words like 'Anyway,' it is always followed by a comma. Word choice: I leaned towards him OVERALLI really enjoyed this story along with the other stories in your autobiography collection. You have many great tales to tell. Write on!  FAVORITE PARTI was fifteen years old, and outside of the house I was relatively happy, but indoors was another story. (I love this opening line!) Thanks for sharing your writing! evertrap Don't Forget To Enter "Invalid Item" This review has been submitted for consideration of "Good Deeds Go Noticed"
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You responded to this review 07/05/2012 @ 5:07pm EDT