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 Review #3848189 |
| Hi dblameck (David)  . I'm JACE - House Targaryen , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering for the March 2013 round of "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold" . Once again I thank you for continuing to support this contest with your distinctive offerings. Please allow me to post my thoughts on your story, "Invalid Item" in this public review. Were Contest Rules Followed? Yes.  The prompt for this month's challenge was "HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID", a tale of romance and mystery that takes place in the period from the 1930's to the 50's. Anything goes in this Film Noir-esque style. Overall Impression. Your interpretation of my prompt bears heavily on the romance (erotic) aspect and little on the mystery. Please don’t get me wrong—I love a good tryst, graphically depicted in a sensual way. I’ve always maintained that it’s difficult to write a story containing a sexual encounter that seduces the reader’s imagination without hitting him or her over the head with the overly obvious. But, in my opinion such encounters should should support your storyline. My first thought was what happened to the mystery? While this is a contest with a bent on the erotic nature of a story, it is a writing challenge and needs more story. Perhaps it’s my impression of a hard-bitten private eye of that period—a tough, alpha male who is focused on the case at hand. That Marlowe puts the moves on the woman so quickly didn’t seem to fit the persona of a ‘40’s private dick with job to do. That said, Marlowe’s control of the actual encounter went along with the guise of a tough individual who knows what he wants and how to get it. Your use of dialogue helps keep the action going, and provides a breather, if you will, for your readers. The give and take between Marlowe and the brunette is a nice touch. In my opinion, the fact that you never mention her name helps emphasize her subservience.  Technical and Editorial Considerations. I invite your attention to the comments below. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.I found a couple areas that were awkward to read, which made me pause to re-read, and took me out of your story. Some examples:  You first paragraph uses the past tense, which changes quickly to the present tense in subsequent paragraphs. It will be an easy fix to change the tense to present throughout if that is your desire.In the 7th paragraph, you have a sentence fragment that doesn’t work. Her tongue now teasing the underside … back of her throat. Her tongue teases the underside … back of her throat. Don’t oversell. Let your reader exercise their imagination a little—a complete description is not necessary to the story. Case in point, your thirteenth paragraph: With a grunt…. Your readers have some idea what happens in this instance. Painting the picture so completely is overkill. I would also question the use of two words in particular. “Explodes” and “massive” had the opposite effect for me of what I believe you intended. Some superlatives just don’t enhance the culmination of certain … ah, functions.A wordsmith moment. In the following (14th) paragraph, a tongue can’t squeeze; sucks, perhaps, but not squeeze.Some of your lines were exquisite. I absolutely loved … Leaning in, he captures her left nipple in his mouth, chewing it gently.Finally, your use of punctuation has improved dramatically from your last entry. I noted a few instances that still needed attention, but overall, I was pleased with your attention to detail in this regard. My Rating. 4.0 . I believe that fleshing out the mystery just a bit more and using the encounter to move the story along gives your reader something more to chew on.I hope you decide to enter our writing challenge in the future, and look forward to reading what your imagination dreams up. I’ve included 2000 GPs as a token to recognize your time investment.  Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/03/2013 @ 2:40am EDT