*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback.php/action/view/id/4100638
Review #4100638
Viewing a review of:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
Review by Magicmama
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi! This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group!” After reading Black Magic for Death, I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! Thank you for allowing me to share with you, and my hope is that I can be of help to you.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
*Bird* Overall Impression: You’ve got a good storyline here. I like the characters, and the logic of the piece

*Bird* Initial hook: Needs to be tightened up to make it stronger. I would suggest a contrast-perhaps something like. “Adrian looked around the normal looking office—odd, considering the reason he was there.”
I would then condense these two paragraphs:
"How can I help you?"

The lady behind the desk saw Adrian standing there. The lady looked like forty something and she was reading an old book, from the look of it, it seemed like a novel.

ex. “How can I help you?” asked the lady behind the desk. She looked forty-something, and had an old novel in her hands.


*Bird* Storyline: Your plot works well, and flows.

*Bird* Characters: Overall good characters.

*Bird* Dialogue: Some technical issues, but most of it is very natural. For example, when someone is speaking and then you tell something about that person, then they should be in the same paragraph. (see the paragraphs under initial hook) If you are unsure of how to punctuate dialogue, just remember that the punctuation goes inside the quotes. To prevent having a too many short comments, simply add action comments sprinkled through the conversation. ( Ex. “Adrian looked mystified;” or “Alexis seemed amused.”) Keep the action tied to the dialogue by keeping them in the same paragraph.

*Bird* Setting: Works very well.

*Bird* atmosphere/ tone: appropriate

*Bird* Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: minor issues

Adrian sighed knowingly that he had to start repeating all the supernatural incidents.
Adrian sighed, knowing that he had to repeat all the supernatural incidents.


What I Liked: the descriptions.

Thank you for sharing your story! Keep Writing!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/23/2016 @ 2:44pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback.php/action/view/id/4100638