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Review #4117505
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Review by Dragon is hiding
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Rated: | (4.5)
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Hi Aisha, I saw your item on the newsfeed and your brief description intrigued me. I hope you'll find some of my suggestions useful!

*Burstp* What I liked:
*Bulletb* "You’ve got to be brave if you choose theft as your career." I liked how this shows Sara's boldness. She seems so confident in your story- quite the opposite from quiet, careful Alexander.
*Bulletb* "Alexander’s voice was tinier than a baby’s." I really like this comparison. It makes it really easy to imagine the fear in Alexander's voice.
*Bulletb* I loved it when the rats kept multiplying as Sara kept trying to kill them. It's scarily fascinating, and I'm very glad it wouldn't happen in real life!
*Bulletb* I liked your ending. It was a little unclear whether or not Sara died- I'm assuming she did- but I liked how you ended with the rat. What killed Alexander also killed Sara!

*Reading* General things I noticed/specific suggestions:
*Bullet* This is probably just me, but I found it a little odd that you shortened "Alexander" to "Alexi" in the first part, when Sara bit the other female's neck, but you never used "Alexi" again. It's either Alexander or Alex in the second part, and even then it's mostly Alexander.
*Bullet* When Sara shifts Alexander's hand, why does she do that? If Sara's hand is already in between Alexander's butt cheeks, why does she need to move Alexander's hand?"
*Bullet* Why does Alexander reach over to Sara’s finger so she can slip the ring away? I thought Sara used the ring to propose to Alexander? Why would the ring be on Sara's hand instead of Alexander?

*Penr* Spelling/Grammar:
*Bulletr* "Sara noticed Alexander had slept with the ring she had proposed to her the previous night"- The "she" in the sentence feels like it refers to Alexander instead of Sara. Maybe try "Sara noticed Alexander had slept with the ring Sara had used to propose to Alex.
*Bulletr* The same thing from the first bullet also applies when Sara runs her hands down Alexander's back- There are so many "her"s in that phrase, but not all of them refer to the same female. I would suggest changing the second "her" to "Alexander", to make it more clear who "her" is.
*Bulletr* "Alexander ran behind a rat that night" Comma after "night"
*Bulletr* "the black hood who Sara had stolen from." "Who" should be "whom"
*Bulletr* "furr" should be "fur"
*Bulletr* "heart ache" is one word: Heartache

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this short story. The story kept me engaged the whole time, and the action in the story was very interesting. Even though this was categorized as horror, I did not think it was too scary! I think the situation you put the characters in was definitely scary, but reading about the situation is not too fear-inducing.
I think it was a cool idea to have Sara and Alexander as such different people with such different personalities, yet they are lovers.
Great job on this story, and I can't wait to read more from you! Write on!


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/01/2015 @ 7:11am EDT
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