Dear Arizona Lawman
I am reviewing your "Invalid Item" . These are my observations about your work.



General Comments & Reader Reaction Hi there sorry I doing this late, but since I am late don't worry about paying me for it. It's not your fault I have been having a few personal issues and am playing catch up. Moving along lets discuss title and description. We only get two chances to hook our readers, reviewers, and a publisher. That is title and description. Your title is great except for the chapter one part drop it. It takes away from the hook. You can put all the notes and information inside the top part of your story as this is where the chapter one belongs. Now for the description it needs to be a hook as well. Believe it or not if you remove the second sentence you have one of the best hooks I have seen in a long time. Now here is a truth I keep getting shoved down my throat. Most publishers hate prologues. So there is two ways to get around this. Suggestion one: Get ride of the word prologue at the start and at the end of it put a break and leave it as part of chapter one. Suggestion two: Cut it out and insert it in key places or key chapters as your story grows not only will it make it more interesting, but it will add the reader attraction that it takes away from in your story start. Remember once you hook your reader with title and description you want to set your hook with a great opening starting sentences. I learned this the hard way as well. Also you want the ending of your chapter a cliff hanger. Then start the next chapter with the ending to the cliff hanger and continue on with the story. Now what I would do is at the top put your title and your name then where prologue is put just "Chapter 1 Just Another Day in Paradise (no period)." Decide what trick your going to do with the prologue. Your opening is like a normal TV family start. The reader can picture it quite well. But it takes a few sentences to get hooked into the story. After that the reader is going, "darn it, you ended it too soon!"

Plot & Pace According to your title and description the plot is the failure of civilization. Which you pretty much describe in the first chapter. I get the feeling the real plot is how the family will survive in the following months once they reach Globe. Once I got past the prologue it started reading well and the pace picked up. It flowed really well. The prologue is dry and boring to read to be honest. Its not written as a hook. I really think it would pop and be more interesting if you injected it into key places in your story. If you inject just one paragraph at a time, but that will be up to you to decide.

Characters Ah, yes, excellent job on all of them. You made them pretty interesting and very believable. They are interesting and really add interest to the story.

Setting & Imagery You have done a really good job here. I never lost where I was or what was going on in the story.

Themes Your theme is surviving the end of civilization in this chapter.

Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The chapter's emotion is one of caution and speed. Your mood is that of worry about the end of the world. The atmosphere is one of worry about the future.

Structure & Consistency This was excellent I couldn't find any technical errors with the chapter writing.

Writing Style & Grammar I found this to be well written with great reader appeal there was no grammar errors found. Even if there were a few it was so well written you missed them because the story didn't give you a chance to find them.

Favorite Lines "This was his time to think, his quiet time every week to consider family, kids, life and projects." The reason I liked this was it is so true with real people.

Overall Impression & Conclusion: I have a problem with the internet stopping most cars that isn't that believable. However having the virus trigger an EMP blast from some of the military satellites is much more believable. The reason is I know computers and mechanics and the brain boxes in the new cars are not smart enough to be connected to the internet. What I mean about that is all they really do in your car is control your fuel injectors, air pollution control and fuel economy. It is the radio and audio visual that has the internet connections mostly for satellite radio and for the hands free phone setup. It wouldn't stop any car from starting because there is no real reason for car makers to connect the brain box to the internet (it costs them extra money and they will keep it cheep) and since its programming is done on a one time programmable memory chip it cannot be over written by a virus. But an Electro-Magnetic Pulse would fry all the electronics except the really old cars because they have no electronics in them. Also you never did tell us how Charlie knew to check out things the way he did. You did mention he was an engineer, but in real life only an electronics engineer would know about how all the electronics work and also about EMP blasts. For the average reader that doesn't know much on how things work your story would be believable to them, but to the geeks and nerds sorry we know better. All in all I enjoyed your story. You put a lot of work in it and it looks like it has a good plot and great characters. I would enjoy reading your finished book.

Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .