Sorry that I didn’t accept your review request. I guess I had a busy weekend. This looks polished. I’m not used to reading good work so this may be a good change of pace for me. Let’s see if I can offer you any help.

Missing Comma
“What if it's a cannibal serial killer or something.”
“What if it's a cannibal, serial killer, or something?”

Suggestion
“My place is the opposite side of town from you.”
“My place is on the opposite side of town from you.”

Suggestion
“until two years ago when six students went missing at once.”
“until two years ago when six students went missing.” Or
“until one night two years ago when six students went missing.”

Missing Quotation
“Yes, I am,” I say, lifting my chin up a notch. I will flap my arms and cluck if it keeps me from disappearing too.
“Yes, I am,” I say, lifting my chin up a notch. “I will flap my arms and cluck if it keeps me from disappearing too.”

Suggestion
“God, I'm scared.”
“I'm scared.”
I guess this doesn’t affect your story at all. Only, I’m a huge a Christian and my Holy Bible says, “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.” Again, this is only my suggestion.

Suggestion
“Oh, God. I’m going to die.”
“God save me. If not I’ll die.”

Final Thoughts
When I saw that you asked me to critique your work on a Thursday, or was it Friday. One of the main reasons I didn’t reply right away is because I didn’t want to. Now that I have, I’m glad I did. I’ve learned a few things reading your story that I am now realizing mine is lacking.

This story is pretty solid so far. I like when you described the new Jenny. Some people throw in a character description for no reason. This adds value to the story which is something I rarely see.

Jenny, however, seems to be a pretty bland character. I see she is a college student who works in a library. She focuses on college not allowing herself to get caught up in trivial matters. At least, not unless there is a cute boy involved. Good stories with boring main characters, like the character Harry Potter, they are surrounded by interesting characters.

Personally, I would not read this. Not that the story is bad, but I don’t how it adds value to me. If a story doesn’t teach a moral lesson or ask a question, I tend to stay away. However, I will read chapter two and three tomorrow or Wednesday. Good luck and I hope this has helped you. Next time, I’ll do a better job.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .