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Review #4235523
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of A Moment In Time  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hey Nita

Welcome to a Game of Thrones Battle review.

So this piece had specific requirements - thanks for including those - always nice to see what the author was aiming for.


Technicalities & Observations

Opening lines are key to any piece of writing, but especially short stories. I want to be captured instantly, I want to be enticed and intrigued to read on.

Have you ever locked eyes with a stranger and at that moment in time there was promise and awareness that you had never before experienced? I had never had anything like that happen to me until that day on the escalator.


Asking a question to the reader is a good technique for hooking them - if the narration style fits, and it does here. I immediately want to know about this stranger and what you mean about a moment of promise.

The double use of 'never' highlighted in red is a little jarring so close together. Repetition of words is something to look out for. Later on we have 4-5 uses of escalator all within a couple of sentences. Changing the wording to get around this often makes writing stronger.

For example here I'd rewrite it something like:

Have you ever had that moment where you lock eyes with a stranger, and experience a surreal connection filled with promise and awareness? I never had; well not until the day on the escalator.

~

The escalator was full as I stepped onto the moving staircase


The orange part isn't necessary. We know we're stepping on the escalator so there's no need to further clarify it. Just repetition.

~

It must have been that “young John Kennedy” thing that he had going.


You'd just mentioned John Kennedy, it appearing again here felt clunky. I like the part about recognising being perhaps because of this celebrity lookalike, but I'd suggest finding some way of combining the thought into the one mention of John.


Characters / Dialogue

looked down and around to avoid eye contact

There's a strange mix of emotions and actions going on around this section. She's looking down, but notices the stranger? She's awkwardly avoiding contact, and yet is happy in a new outfit with friends. Seems oddly contradictory and made it a little difficult to really understand this character and get into their shoes.

Dialogue is minimal in this piece. I would put it on new lines just for formatting reasons. It comes across a little scripted, not as natural as actual dialogue would be. Try reading it out to yourself and perhaps tweak it a little.


Pacing and Plot

An unusual choice for regret, but I like it. The regret of 'what ifs' can be powerful. I good choice you made, but I really feel you could have done more with it.


Summary
Not a bad short, but you had 1600 more words available to you from the prompt and I think you could have used some of those to bring the scene to life a little more. Some banter with your friends leading up to the escalator perhaps. Showing us the scene rather that having her 'talk' the scene to the reader.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/26/2016 @ 3:15pm EDT
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