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Review #4256753
Viewing a review of:
Summer Kiss  [13+]
A first kiss with a special girl
by Schnujo is Late to Lannister
Review of Summer Kiss  
Review by Bonnie
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Smartphone* Summer Romance Contest Review*Smartphone*




Hello Schnujo-Soldier Life Ended *Frown* (111)

I am pleased to offer you this review on your "Summer Kiss" as a judge for the "A Romance Contest"  Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:

As for a prompt, there was none. Two requirements is all --it had to be a romance and set in Summer.

Your story had that. A hot balmy summer evening and a young man trying his best to win over his special girl.

As far as I can see all rules have been followed. Nice job!

What I liked:

I liked the whole story. I think each and everyone of us can identify with the male character. Those awkward teenage years when we all had something that worried us. Mine's was blushing. Beetroot red in 0-5 seconds. Yet, thankfully our hormones made us always go back for more. I like the way he overthinks every situation, pulling the reader in, as we sympathise with his *problems*.
The summer evening was woven into your story. The balmy night, the starry sky-perfect backdrop to any planned romantic evening. The June-bugs and Firefly's and the sight of the scary woods all make this a good scene for a evening with his special girl.

In his dissecting of his and hers every action made for good reading and pulled the reader into his anxieties. I did smile when she took control of the very important first kiss, after the awkwardness. In between all the misery that was his and his alone in this second date, he gets an odd moment where he appreciates her. That just fitted in nicely with the romance of the story.
The reader can only sympathise with him, and


Punctuation/Spelling:

I saw no glaring issues, in fact it's was a very smooth read. One or two missing commas, and repetitive use of same word in a sentence.

Favorite Lines: I laugh. So does she. It makes my heart smile that I can make her happy, even if it is with my silliness.

I enjoyed this line, it makes my heart smile . Touching, tender words that made me think about my heart smiling.


Comments/Suggestions:

As the heading says; these are comments and suggestions only. And you don't even have to agree with me. That's the best part of a review, you take from it what you want and disregard the rest, but know it's given with the best of intentions.

I am a romantic at heart, and love when a story gets me right there. ---> points to my heart.

You opened your story with a bang... And I expected the riot police and a battering ram. Not a June bug flying into someone's chest. We want our readers to continue reading, so we all try to get that hook in early, but I'm not sure that this word really fits the situation.

All to often we read in reviews about the dreaded show not tell. And I'm sorry to say that there are a couple of times when I thought you could have shown the reader.

Here is where I first thought it could be easily worked to show


She smacks me playfully in the stomach. My shirt sticks to my stomach from the heat of the summer night. I'm embarrassed and hope she doesn’t notice.


She smacks me; right in the stomach. My shirt sticks to my sweat lathered body. I feel the heat rise from my chin to my forehead, and I turn my face away in the hope she doesn't notice.

As you can see just a small change that show actions rather than tell the reader he was embarrassed.

Someone told me early in my writing journey to use the senses in my story telling, the smell of the rain, the sound of the wind, the heat of the sun etc. The aroma of fresh brewed coffee... We all can relate to sights, sounds, smells, touch and taste. The taste of salty sea air... I could go on but I think by now, your screaming at me, I got it the first time. *Bigsmile*

I'm sure I saw the word *Suddenly* in the story somewhere...
That makes me expect a nuclear bomb goes off somewhere. The late great Elmore Leonard tells us in one of his ten rules of writing never use to use it. And I think you used it twice. Although the one you use as an introductory phrase must be followed by a coma to separately from the following clause.

That's it really... All I have to comment on, it is a good story even if we didn't get to know the names of the characters.

FYI.


Elmore Leonard: 10 Rules for Good Writing
What's Leonard's secret to being both popular and respectable? Perhaps you'll find some clues in his 10 tricks for good writing:
1 Never open a book with weather.
2 Avoid prologues.
3 Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
4 Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"…he admonished gravely.
5 Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
6 Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
7 Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
8 Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
9 Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
10 Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
Excerpted from the New York Times article, “Easy on the Adverbs, Exclamation Points and Especially Hooptedoodle."


Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck in the contest ~



I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again. ~William Penn




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