Hi,

So I like the chapter but there are a few things I noticed that had me a bit confused. I hope they'll be helpful to you:

- point of view: during the exchange between Tomas and Paimon we keep jumping back and forth between their point of views. We're in Tomas head, when he doesn't want to ask another question, then we're suddenyl in Paimon's head when he realized what Tomas must be thinking, back and forth. It might be less confusing for the reader if you stick to one point of view character per scene.

- Paimon's way of speaking is a bit weird, he switches from sounding very modern and informal ("Honestly, it's fine,") to a more swollen way of speaking ("Do not trouble yourself, young one. I'm sure you meant no offense by your rude thoughts about my camel, your vomitous greeting, or your ignorance about my easily understood name. Could have happened to anyone...") and then back again. I would suggest choosing which fits the character best and sticking with it. Unless Paimon does that on purpose to make a bit of fun of Tomas?

- I like that you tell most of the scene with dialogue. Only with so much dialogue, it was a bit hard to keep track of who said what. Maybe you could add a few more "Thomas said" "Paimon said", just in the bits that go on for a couple of exchanges without any.

Other than that I like the story so far, reminds me a bit of Skulduggery Pleasant, which is cool. I also like Tomas name a lot.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .