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Script Frenzy '07! Illegal mustaches, lion tamers, zombies... |
| [Introduction] The Basics:
Women have taken over the world! (Finally!) But, even though we are much more intelligent and understanding than most of man kind, sometimes we get a little carried away. So when the new, feminine leader decides to outlaw mustaches because "they just feel ucky," some men decide that things have gone far enough. Spotlight to a band of circle folk led by a mustached, and now out of work, lion tamer. In a frenzy they end up taking over a cruise ship and sailing it to Zombie Island, a well known refugre for the "freaks" of society. Upon arrival they realize that they can't just hide out on an island for the rest of their lives and decide that enough is enough and plan to change the world for all of man, and woman, kind! Hilarity ensues in this off-the-cuff whirlwind of a musical: A Hair(Less) Affair: The Musical! |
| ACT I SCENE ONE (A cruise-liner, Night. BEARDED LADY and LEO are standing on the dock, looking out across the sea, no land in sight.) BEARDED LADY: I'd always heard cruises were for the newly weds and the nearly dead. Who would've thought the nearly dead would be so, well, deadly. LEO: Really. I still can't believe that frail old woman threw our manager overboard. Especially after complaining of her arthritis. BEARDED LADY: Yea. (thoughtful) Gosh I'll miss Fred. It's a pity he couldn't swim. LEO: He might've learned had it not been for that shark. BEARDED LADY: He was a fast learner. But I guess I can't blame the old dears. After all, we did commandeer their cruise ship and ruin the "enchantment at sea." LEO: (snarling) We had no choice in the matter, what with the new feminist take-over. BEARDED LADY: I was an active member of the party, until...until... LEO: There, there. Before, in the past prejudice was about petty things like race and religion. Facial hair was bound to come up sometime. BEARDED LADY: I suppose. But Leo, isn't it awful? Everything is different now. We're freaks! I mean, more so than when we were circus freaks. People won't look at us anymore, not even to stare. And Fred is gone. The circus life is kaput. We're on a stolen ship bound for some possibly cannibalistic island, probably inhabited by a bunch of freakier freaks than us, and for what? The small chance that it's unaffected by the global political movement? LEO: I know it's a bit uncertain, but it's our only chance. Before WHISKERED WILLIAM the Sword Swallower was dragged away to be chained up in that, in that BEARDED LADY: Basement LEO: Yes. Just before being dragged off to the basement of the White House, he managed to slip us a map thus revealing the location of an otherwise uncharted island. It was uncharted in hopes it would be forgotten because its sole purpose was to banish those infected by the Zombie epidemic of 2008. It's the only lead we have. It's the only place where we have the slightest chance of living peacefully,bewhiskered or not. BEARDED LADY: Oh, LEO, (near tears) I hope we can. I just loathe shaving. LEO: At least the rest of the circus stuck with us. BEARDED LADY: Not that they could help it. The entire troupe would have been blacklisted just for knowing us. Not to mention, Fred lost a toe trying to save WHISKERED WILLIAM from the basement. He risked his life. LEO: I'll say he did. WHISKERED WILL was the circus' biggest money maker! Fred wouldn't risk losing him after what happened with the Siamese Contortionists-- VOICE/CLOWN: (cutting off the conversation between LEO and the BEARDED LADY. Enter, CLOWN ON STILTS) Ahoy, down there! (BEARDED LADY and LEO look up) CLOWN: LEO, how on earth did you convince us to commandeer a cruise ship of all things? LEO: (growling slightly with each word) You didn't expect us to reach the island by wagon, did you? CLOWN: Don't be a clown. Why a cruise ship? LEO: It really was quite genius (stroking beard). Cruise ships are stocked with food and even fresh towels. Actually, the cook was the only one who didn't get kicked off the ship. VOICE: (screaming) Abandon ship! The cook is a feminist informer! He radioed the White House! LEO: Oh damn. CLOWN: Dam? I don't see a dam. LEO: Damn you! CLOWN: It's not true. (frowning) I'm not a dam. (mumbling) Just because I'm tall... VOICE: Abandon ship! CLOWN: (to BEARDED LADY) This would have been so romantic. Under different circumstances. BEARDED LADY: Oh, CLOWN! (CLOWN and BEARDED LADY share a brief kiss. CLOWN pulls away giggling.) BEARDED LADY: what's funny? CLOWN: Tickled a little. BEARDED LADY: Oh! Dear, dear tomato snout. CLOWN: Sweet whisker lips! VOICE: Abandon ship! CLOWN and BEARDED LADY: Damn. (Army of women invade ship. Fighting ensues between the army of women and knife throwers, fire jugglers, acrobats, etc. The women are relentless. Bearded passengers are flung overboard. BEARDED LADY and CLOWN cling to each other searching for an escape or a place to hide. CLOWN awkwardly maneuvers on his stilts. The LION distracts the army with his horrible roars as LEO struggles to release a lifeboat into the ocean. Note:This is where the entire cast bursts into song --to be inserted later) LEO: BEARDED LADY, CLOWN!! Come quickly! CLOWN: (trips on stilts and over railing) Ahh!! BEARDED LADY: (to CLOWN) Tomato snout! CLOWN: (drowning, to BEARDED LADY) Whisker lips! (BEARDED LADY lunges to save her beloved, but nearly falls into the grasp of the enemy.) ENEMY: (realizing it's a bearded woman) Traitor! (LEO takes advantage of ENEMY's shocked hesitation to pull the BEARDED LADY out of her grasp and into the lifeboat. LION pounces sending ENEMY off balance and she falls--SPLASH!--into the ocean. The water stains red where she falls. LEO and BEARDED LADY have lost sight of CLOWN.) BEARDED LADY: (crying) Tomaaato Snooout!!! Tomaaato Snooout!! Curtain Close |
| ACT ONE SCENE TWO (Curtain opens, revealing a room that resembles the Oval Office in the white house. There are numerous professional women bustling around the stage, many holding different fabric, paint, or carpeting samples. They are discussing possible redecorating options) WOMAN ONE: (She is heavy set and carrying a particularly putrid curtain sample. She looks highly opinionated) - (with a look of disgust) Masculine! Every last inch of this place just screams testosterone. WOMAN TWO: (almost mirror image of woman one) I couldn’t agree more. I just don’t understand it. All of these former presidents were married – why couldn’t their wives tidy the place up a bit? WOMAN ONE: I’ll tell you why! Because they were bound and determined to “stand behind their man.” Well pish! RANDOM WOMAN: (breaking in from across the room) Tosh! WOMAN ONE: That is nothing but a bunch of washed up nonsense from by gone days. Now, (proudly) the women are finally in charge of this great nation. That will no longer be our position in society. We won’t even settle for standing in front of them! RANDOM WOMAN TWO: No Sir! RANDOM WOMAN THREE: Amen to that sister! WOMAN ONE: We’re going to stand on /top/! (All of the ladies spontaneously do a three of four step little jig, purposely stomping on the floor as hard a possible. Faintly, deep moaning can be heard from below the floor. MISS PRESIDENT enters stage left with her two faithful assistants, VALERIE and ALICIA. MISS PRESIDENT is wearing a striking pink skirt suit with matching pumps. Her assistants are dressed to match.) MISS PRESIDENT: (stops center stage and addresses the audience) Gooooood morning, ladies! WOMEN: (stopped their business to smile and greet MISS PRESIDENT) Good morning Miss President! How are you? You look splendid today! Did you get a haircut! Why, you’re positively glowing! MISS PRESIDENT: (after soaking in the praise a little) Now, now my dears, I know we’re all excited but we mustn’t lose track of what’s important! I know I have only been here a week but, as I’m sure you all know, I have already made some drastic improvements… WOMEN: (various voices chime in) The elimination of the WWF! The Spice Girls back together and on a world tour! New improvements for animals shelters to help puppies and kitties! The illegalization of mustaches! Reducing taxes on cosmetics! MISS PRESIDENT: (flipping her dish-water blonde hair) Yes, yes, all of that – and only in one week… VALERIE: Ending the war? MISS PRESIDENT: Indeed, that too, but Valerie sweetie – think more locally! What has affected /you/? VALERIE: Well I think that’s the greatest think you’ve done so far! And you can do so much more with it – ALICIA: We can’t forget locking up the men in the basement! MISS PRESIDENT: (putting her arm around ALICIA) Exactly! You see ladies, we, us women, have spent our entire histories worrying about /others/. As women we nurture, care, think about others, but sometimes that causes us to forget about what’s really going on around us. Valerie thinks my greatest accomplishment was ending the war. And maybe it was. But maybe, just maybe I made a bigger difference by simply locking up all the men who once ran this house in the basement. Hmm? How are we to determine which action is actually the greater good? I feel the happiness of one person in the Woman Race is just as important and another and whatever brings that happiness… well I am determined to provide it. WOMAN ONE: (tearfully into a hanky) This is why I voted for her… MISS PRESIDENT: As President, I will make sure that every action I do brings happiness to someone. I promise you that I can do this. (gives a bright, twinkling smile) And I know one thing that would make me happy… is to redecorate this office! (the WOMEN give a resounding whoop and start circling MISS PRESIDENT showing their random samples. Eventually this turns into rhythmic tapping and soon the circle opens up to reveal MISS PRESIDENT in a whole different, flashy outfit. The chorus breaks out into a song) MISS P: The race of men! This will no longer be We had a new outlook on life It’s the women that are free! We said we liked to wait on them Beck and call But really – that wasn’t it at all We were biding out time And now that come has come I am the new commander in chief Time to turn over… a new leaf! CHORUS: When women rule the world There is no violence Give love a chance Give love a chance Give love a chance MISS P: I outlawed the WWF We can’t let people fight on TV But not on the streets That’s hypocrisy! No more mustaches They just feel ucky! No mascara tax Because that was discrimination! CHORUS (dance break which includes an extravagant tap combination and MISS PRESIDENT being hoisted up on wires and flying around the stage. There is lots of glittery confetti) MISS P: A woman is poised Has clear thoughts and wisdom And can ask for direction I say, don’t sleep with the enemy Snuggle! Don’t *discuss* over cold, wood tables Cuddle! I will make the world a better place /Women/ will make the world a better place Sometimes you just need a little grace! CHORUS (The women mill around the Oval Office as they did in the beginning of the scene, comparing samples. MISS PRESIDENT seems to be considering between two when all of a sudden one woman runs in front of the president, we have yet to see her fabric sample. The audience can hear MISS PRESIDENT give a delighted squeal. MISS PRESIDENT hops up on top of her desk and holds the paint sample over her head, it’s a perfect match to her bright pink dress) MISS PRESIDENT: Ladies! I see…. PINK! Curtain closes |
| Scene Three (A spotlight is on a television that is rolled out in front of the curtain. It is large enough so it can be seen by the audience with ease. It turns itself on and flips to the news channel. JACKIE is making a speech in front of a large group) JACKIE: ... It's true. We have locked all the men in the Basement, but realize, this is not a sadistic nor malicious plot--it's not being hidden. No cover up has been attempted. Maybe it seems the teeniest bit sexist. If you insist on using such terms. However, I explained this in my platform prior to being elected. This has simply been the first step taken to fulfill my campaign--and Miss Universe--promise: To end war and promote world peace. Now, war is over and world peace is on its way. (a look of distaste passes over her face). Just as soon as we deal with a small group of rebels everything will be perfect. NEWSCASTER: Miss President-- JACKIE: Oh, please, call me Jackie. (flashes a smile) We're all girlfriends here. NEWSCASTER: (flushes) President Jackie-- JACKIE: Just Jackie NEWSCASTER: (beaming) Jackie, some of our viewers--indeed, some of the world--wonders how the men are being treated? Are they being tortured down there? JACKIE: Certainly not! At least, nothing worse than tickling. SOMEONE IN CROWD: Nothing is worse than tickling! JACKIE: (ignoring the statement) We're women! And we're sweethearts. There is no torture, no violence whatsoever. We want our men healthy! (cheer from AUDIENCE) JACKIE: And well fed! (cheer from AUDIENCE) JACKIE: And eating their vegetables. (with emphasis, clutching podium) All of them. (louder cheer from AUDIENCE) JACKIE: Ladies, I assure you, when these men aren't chained up they are served nutritious meals. They are being given cooking and etiquette lessons. They are getting their necessary exercise. We even allow them to participate in sports. Unfortunately, we were forced to implement short solitary confinement and yoga sentences for men who got a little too aggressive during such activities. But we want our men strong, yet sensitive and non-violent. Please don't misunderstand my intentions. I like men. (waggles eyebrows) I appreciate men--but men who are kind and respectful towards women. Men who can cook. Men who aren't brutes. Men who don't promote war and who are sympathetic to the menstrual cycle. And most of all, men without mustaches. (AUDIENCE roars with enthusiasm. Newscast fade out. T.V. rolled off stage.) Curtains Open (Basement of the White House. We see several men seated on the ground. All of them are clean shaven. One of them is WHISKERED WILL. We hear stomping and cackling that seems to be coming from above. The men look up frightened and huddle closely together.) (catching bits and pieces of the song) ...they just feel ucky!...snuggle...women will make the world a better place...Pink!! (echoing) (The men shudder. WOMAN enters stage left and approaches a microphone, taps on it) WOMAN: (opening book) Gentleman, I'll be reading to you today from the work of the romantic female poet, Sylvia Plath. (clears throat) You do not do, you do not do Any more, black shoe In which I have lived like a foot For thirty years, poor and white, Barely daring to breathe or Achoo. MAN ONE: (whispering) A poem about a shoe? A poem about a shoe? Is that what we're listening to? MAN TWO: No, no. I think it's about a foot. WHISKERED WILL: Who cares about the poem? Did you hear that racket upstairs? These women are mad! They're absolutely batty! We're doomed. We gotta get oughta here. MAN THREE: (crossing arms, grumbling) I hate poetry. MAN ONE: (stroking chin)I miss my beard. You know, I remember when my girl used to be happy to bake me cookies. Then one day, she joined this new-fangled political group and she said to me to go bake my own! MAN TWO: (shaking head) It all happened so fast. I mean, one second we were in charge. The next second...the White House is pink. MAN THREE: (confused) It's not pink... MAN TWO: Yet. (sighing, WHISKERED WILL attempts to stroke his famed whiskers only to realize they've been shaven off) WHISKERED WILL: (facing audience and stepping away from the group of MEN, singing) I've been trying to talk to these guys I'm not gonna tell you no liiies-- WOMAN: (slaps ruler down) That's improper grammar! WHISKERED WILL: Hu? WOMAN: I'm not going to tell you any lies. WHISKERED WILL: Oh. (clears throat and continues song) I won't tell you any lies (looking over shoulder. WOMAN nods approval) It's been torture! MEN: (waving arms in the air) Torture! WHISKERED WILL: (walking angrily, yet gracefully dances across stage) I am all alone In my desire to go home I want to bust out! MEN: (waving arms) Bust out! WHISKERED WILL: And all they do is pout! WOMAN: Yea! WHISKERED WILL: But I refuuuse to do the saaame to rot here wooould beee a shaaame! --I have a plan MEN: He has a plan! WHISKERED WILL: Shh! MEN: Oops. (covering their mouths) WHISKERED WILL: You see, (whispering) before my capture to my great rapture! I swallowed swords Simply hordes, in the circus So you see, inside me is my key to flee!! MEN: To flee! WHISKERED WILL: (music grows sad) Once I'm out, if I get out, I hope to see a friend before the end it's just around the beeend. I wonder if the remainder of my troupe managed to get away to that island hide-away... (sigh) I wonder. Curtains Close. |
| SCENE FOUR (While the scene is being transformed behind the curtain, two women guards walk in front of the curtain, holding a hand cuffed man, the RINGMASTER, who looks absolutely miserable and has a very full mustache. The conversation takes place as they walk across the stage in front of the closed curtain) GUARD ONE: (giving a tug as if to hurrying the RINGMASTER along) Get that look off your face and stop acting as though we’ve been so cruel. You were the one that decided to avoid the law. GUARD TWO: (nodding) That’s right! If you break the law then you have to suffer the consequences. So you can go right away and wipe that glare off your face, mister! RINGMASTER: (mumbling) The law is unjust. GUARD ONE: (ignoring him) I just don’t understand how your friends got away. It was all the bearded woman’s fault… GUARD TWO: (shudders) A bearded woman! You would think in the society we live in – RINGMASTER: People would have the freedom to do what they want with the hair on their face? GUARD TWO: (still ignoring the RINGMASTER) …she would be able to find a razor! GUARD ONE: (suddenly cheerful) Oh well! With your help we’ll be able to find out just where they are headed and rid her of that horrible growth! GUARD TWO: But first, we’ll do the same to you! RINGMASTER: (as he is dragged off the front of stage left) Noooooo!! (Curtain opens to reveal a couple bodies washed up on a sandy beach. LEO lies front stage and just behind him is BELLEZA (the BEARDED LADY). Lining the beach are some palm trees. There is no indication that it is an inhabited island) LEO: (stirs and moans) Oh… (spitting some sand out of his mouth and struggling to pull himself up) Where – did we make it? What even happened? BELLEZA: (stirring in a similar way to LEO) I… I think so. Leo, is that you? LEO: Yes. I’m glad to see you Belleza, for a second I thought I was all alone. BELLEZA: (eyes go wide) There is no one next to you? (looks around) There is no one next to me. Oh my god! Leo – where is my tomato snout?! LEO: (confused) Tomato snout? Last I knew your nose was just fleshy material like mine… BELLEZA: No – Jeffery! I mean Jeffery the Clown – oh, where is he? (suddenly energized she jumps up and shakes sand from her beard) What if he’s still out at sea?! LEO: (stands but with not as much energy as BELLEZA) Oh Belleza, I’m sure he’s fine. It’s a miracle we both washed up in the same spot, I’m sure he’s just further down the beach – along with the rest of the circus folk. BELLEZA: (close to tears) But what if he didn’t Leo? I mean – we were out in the middle of the sea! I’m so worried – he can’t swim well, those stilts are just so awkward in the water…. LEO: (putting a comforting arm around BELLEZA’s shoulders) Let’s not worry about that just yet, okay? First we should figure out where we are so we can start to search for him properly. (The two of them look around at their surroundings for the first time. During their conversation numerous zombies had snuck in amongst the trees unknown to them and unknown to the audience. As LEO and BELLEZA take in everything around them though, the zombies slowly move forward from their hiding spots so the audience and the two circus folk see them at the same time. Unable to hide her surprise, BELLEZA gives off a high-pitched, nails-on-chalkboard scream) LEO: (clamping a hand over her mouth) Zombies! It looks like we’re in the right place after all! (clearing his throat) Hello there! Please, could you tell us – is this Zombie Island? Have we reached our salvation? ZOMBIE ONE: (taking a moment to answer but when he does his voice is dry and raspy) It’s been… so long since we’ve had… fresh meat…. (all at once the group of zombies charges at them. But because they are zombies they are comically slow at running – and the sand doesn’t help at all. Stiff like robots the zombies move from stage left toward LEO moaning, with arms outstretched. Some fall over in the sand during the approach and are unable to right themselves. LEO and BELLEZA look fearfully at the group, but by the time the ZOMBIES reach them, there are only two left. ZOMBIE ONE grabs BELLEZA’s arm and attempts to eat it.) BELLEZA: (slaps away the zombie) Hey! That is mine! ZOMBIE ONE: (heartbroken) Could I just have a little? BELLEZA: No! ZOMBIE TWO: Not even a nibble? We’ve haven’t had something meaty in ages! ZOMBIE ONE: Except for those boars, but one could barely call them meat. ZOMBIE TWO: Oh I know. I mean, I suppose we shouldn’t be picky. But they are just so tough and sinewy. ZOMBIE ONE: And the flavor is just despicable BELLEZA: (suddenly feeling sorry for the ZOMBIES) I am truly sorry that you’ve barely had anything tp eat, but I’m going to neat this arm later! ZOMBIE ONE: Are you sure? ZOMBIE TWO: I mean, you have another. ZOMBIE ONE: Don’t you think you’re being just a little bit selfish? ZOMBIE TWO: Think about the poor people in this world who don’t’ have any arms at all! What would they say to this? LEO: That’s enough – she doesn’t want to give you her arm! ZOMEBIE ONE: What about a toe? You have ten of those! BELLEZA: Gah! (with one quick movement she pushes the two ZOMBIES, they fall flat on their backs and like their group are unable to get themselves up with their stiff limbs) ZOMBIE TWO: Oh bother. That was just mean. ZOMBIE ONE: Yeah, it’s just not fair that you know our weakness and we don’t know yours. ZOMBIE TWO: Everyone always know our weakness… LEO: Listen, um… zombies. Lots of things have been going on in the world around us and we actually came here, to Zombie Island, on purpose. We came here for salvation – we don’t want to be afraid of you and fight with you this whole time. ZOMBIE ONE: Zombie Island, eh? That’s what they called this place? I like it. Has a nice ring to it. ZOMBIE TWO: They could have been a little more original though. ZOMBIE ONE: Oh yes, I agree. Oh well – I suppose there’s no reason to be creative with an uncharted island. Wait – this is still uncharted isn’t it? How did you two find it? LEO: Even uncharted islands are put on a map somehow and we got it. (he gently helps the two ZOMBIES back into standing position) What do you say? Do you think we can live together harmoniously or should I have Belleza push you down in the sand again? ZOMBIE TWO: Oh of course we can! I’m sick of talking with the same old people anyway. Besides, we’re not really all that ferocious. Meat is good, but I’m actually quite partial to the coconuts around here. ZOMBIE ONE: Maybe before we accept them we should figure out why they are here. You weren’t banished for having some incurable disease were you? I realize I’m a zombie but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with contracting leprosy. BELLEZA: (sniffling) They’ve… passed some new laws and, well, facial hair is now illegal in all states! ZOMBIE TWO: That’s it? ZOMBIE ONE: That’s outrageous! Before I was a zombie I had a long flowing beard! But I guess when your skin goes all green like this the hair follicles don’t work as well. Why in the world would they outlaw facial hair anyway? LEO: Who knows? We have a woman president and she determined she didn’t like them… and instead of being shaved we decided to come here and live in peace. ZOMBIE TWO: Well you are more than welcome to stay – but I warn you – Zombie Island isn’t always in peace! |
| (BELLEZA and LEO exchange a curious glance before following ZOMBIE ONE and ZOMBIE TWO who are waving them on. Characters exit stage right.) (Stage left, we see a lifeboat wash up on the shore. An extremely long leg is sticking out of the boat. It stirs, then we hear a groan. JEFFERY sits up in the boat looking haggard and missing his red, foam nose. Slowly, and very awkwardly he climbs out of the boat and gets to his feet--er, stilts. He rubs his eyes and touching his face, he realizes his nose is missing. He gasps. ) JEFFREY: My nose? Where is my nose? Oh, my sweet Belleza!! My sweet Whisker Lips, Someone's taken my nose! (he looks around, then looks around more frantically) Where are you? Oh dear, what if she doesn't like me anymore without my nose? (panicked) Oh, Barnum and Bailey! I must find my nose! (he peers at the ground) Wait! No, I must find Whisker Lips! (He walks in one direction, then the other, off balance and uncertain which way to go. Finally, he runs off stage left, the opposite direction of the ZOMBIES and his circus friends. Lights dim. The set is moved around slightly to suggest a different part of the island. The lights come up, but only slightly. It is night. LEO, BELLEZA and ZOMBIES ONE and TWO enter stage left.) LEO: I don't know what you mean about this not being a peaceful island. It seems so quiet. ZOMBIE ONE: (exchanges a look with ZOMBIE TWO) Yes. Most of the time. BELLEZA: (anxiously) Isn't there anyone else here on the island? I mean, aside from the other zombies you introduced us to? ZOMBIE TWO: Well...on the other side of the island ZOMBIE ONE: Where most of the coconut trees are ZOMBIE TWO: The coconut harvesters live BELLEZA: Oh! Can we meet them? ZOMBIE ONE and ZOMBIE TWO: (look at each other, then answer together) No. LEO and BELLEZA: (dumbfounded) Why not? ZOMBIE ONE: Well, if you're going to live here, there are a few things you must know. ZOMBIE TWO: (nodding) Shortly after we were banished to this island, a war broke out between two groups. BELLEZA: (snorting) War. How gross.. ZOMBIE TWO: It was completely unexpected. ZOMBIE ONE: Yes, completely. Zombies are peaceful by nature. ZOMBIE TWO: Except when we're hungry. ZOMBIE ONE: Except this fight was not over food. ZOMBIE TWO: Nope. ZOMBIE ONE: It was over a girl. ZOMBIE TWO: Yup. ZOMBIE ONE: In fact, our population ended up going from zillions to nearly zilch. ZOMBIE TWO: Except there weren't /really/ zillions of us. ZOMBIE ONE: But there were a lot. ZOMBIE TWO: Yup. ZOMBIE ONE: Anyway, there's a cemetery that divides the island in half. On one side side of the island, coconuts trees grow very well. ZOMBIE TWO: And they have a Hula Dancing club. ZOMBIE ONE: Yup. ZOMBIE TWO: But on the opposite side of the island ZOMBIE ONE: On this side of the island ZOMBIE TWO: We have boars. ZOMBIE ONE: (looking at his friend, frowning) Whichever way you spell it. (ZOMBIE TWO shoots a nasty look at ZOMBIE ONE who ignores it) ZOMBIE ONE: We're mostly peaceful now, we trade boar meat for coconuts three times a month, but that's the only contact we have with the other side of the island. BELLEZA: Well, we must go there right away. LEO: You see there were several other performers who had been with us on the ship. BELLEZA: And a tomato snout! ZOMBIE ONE: A who? ZOMBIE TWO: A what? LEO: A very tall clown with a red nose, looks like someone threw a tomato on his face and it stuck. BELLEZA: (nodding) Very tall. LEO: (looking at BELLEZA) You know, he's very tall without the stilts. Why does he have them? BELLEZA: (shrugging) Before his growth spurt, he used to get made fun of. He says if he ever sees one of his old classmates again, Splat! LEO: Splat? BELLEZA: Splat! (sighing, smiling) Golly, he's wonderful. LEO: Riiight. (to ZOMBIES) well, you see, we're frantic to find them. ZOMBIE ONE: Well, we can't go to the other side of the island. ZOMBIE TWO: No no no no and no ZOMBIE ONE: (to ZOMBIE TWO) Was that a no? ZOMBIE TWO: Go choke on a foot. ZOMBIE ONE: (shrugging) It's a no. Our intrusion on their territory would be fatal. BELLEZA: Oh dear. LEO: (patting BELLEZA on the back) There, there. We'll go by alone. ZOMBIE ONE: If you must, but be cautious. ZOMBIE TWO: And if you see a yellow fruit with blue spots ZOMBIE ONE and TWO: Don't eat it! ZOMBIE ONE: Don't even touch it. ZOMBIE TWO: Don't even look at it. LEO: Then how will we spot it? ZOMBIE ONE and TWO: Don't. BELLEZA: Well, why on earth not? ZOMBIE ONE: (frowning) We'd just rather you not. BELLEZA: How silly! ZOMBIE TWO: Just don't say we didn't warn you. Curtains close. Scene 5 (Curtains remain closed, but a coconut tree is placed in the center of the stage. JEFFERY enters stage right.) JEFFERY: (limping slightly) Belleza? Belleza!! (whimpering) Whisker lips! I broke one of my ankles. Someone's stolen my nose. (he pauses beneath the coconut tree) I miss you. (a coconut suddenly comes loose from the tree and hits JEFFERY in the head, causing him to topple over into the sand. ZOMBIE THREE and ZOMBIE FOUR leap out from either side of the stage. These zombies are female.) ZOMBIE THREE: (raspy) Is it fresh? (JEFFERY groans) ZOMBIE FOUR: It's still wriggling. ZOMBIE THREE: Ah, we must stick it in the pot before it begins to mold. ZOMBIE FOUR: You want to cook it?! We should eat it raw ZOMBIE THREE: Look at it's color. It's face is white. What if it's sick? Do you want to get sick? ZOMBIE FOUR: (frowning) No. But it tastes better raw. ZOMBIE THREE: Maybe we could cook half of him and leave the other half raw? ZOMBIE FOUR: Hm, I wouldn't mind that. If I can have the legs? (JEFFERY stirs) ZOMBIE FOUR: You can have /one./ But we'd better tie him up before he comes to and runs off. (ZOMBIE THREE and FOUR drag JEFFERY off stage. Curtains open.) (Island, day. BELLEZA and ZOMBIE TWO are packing a bag constructed of a sturdy kind of seaweed. BELLEZA has a seashell fashioned into a water bottle and sealed with a cork. LEO and ZOMBIE ONE are sitting on the sand talking) LEO: So, there are no vegetarian zombies? ZOMBIE ONE: Well, a few have tried, but it's part of the downside to being a zombie. At some point, you just have to have meat. Not that I wouldn't mind living off coconuts and seaweed salad. LEO: Fascinating! ZOMBIE ONE: I loved going to the circus before I became a Zombie. Do you suppose you could put on a show before you leave on your search? LEO: (sighing) I wish I could, but I was a lion-tamer in the circus,and I don't have my lion. ZOMBIE ONE: (impressed) A lion-tamer? How did you do it? LEO: (stroking beard thoughtfully) It was quite simple, really. I traveled quite extensively as a young man, and one of my travels brought me to Africa. I rescued a small lion cub from a group of poachers after they killed his mother for her fur. (frowning) BELLEZA: Awful people! LEO: Yes. Well, I named him PRINCE and he was already quite tame and affectionate. It was awfully hard to find an apartment with a lion, though. Even the places that allowed pets. So, I taught him how to play vicious and joined a traveling circus. ZOMBIE ONE: Where is he now? LEO: (sighing) He was on the ship with us, but a group of the women army managed to trap him and didn't stop going on about how cute and cuddly and adorable he was. BELLEZA: Yes, in a way, he saved us. After he distracted them, we were able to float away undetected. LEO: He's an intelligent creature, though. I'm sure he'll manage to get away, commandeer a new ship and follow my scent across the ocean. BELLEZA: Oh yes, I don't doubt it. Well, LEO, we're all packed up and ready for our search. ZOMBIE TWO: I wish you both the best of luck, but remember what we told you ZOMBIE ONE and TWO: Don't eat the blue spotted yellow fruit. (BELLEZA and LEO wave good-bye and walk off the stage towards where the audience are seated. Meanwhile, ZOMBIES exit stage left) BELLEZA: (standing in the aisle) Well, where shall we start? LEO: Well, they said the opposite end of the island is this direction. (pointing) (They begin pointing in that direction, BELLEZA in front. She stops suddenly.) LEO: What's the matter? BELLEZA: Leo, do you ever feel like you're being watched? LEO: You mean, like when you're standing in the center ring? BELLEZA: Well, sort of. I mean, sometimes I just think I feel a bunch of eyes on me. Watching me. Know what I mean? LEO: Not at all. BELLEZA: (shrugging) Onward ho! (They arrive back on the stage and exit) Curtains open. (ZOMBIE THREE and ZOMBIE FOUR are sitting around JEFFERY, deep in discussion) ZOMBIE THREE: I guess we could deep fry the fingers ZOMBIE FOUR: Like a side dish? ZOMBIE THREE: (nodding) French fries. ZOMBIE FOUR: But he might not be French. ZOMBIE THREE: Just fries then. ZOMBIE FOUR: Look, he's waking up JEFFERY: Aagh! My head is pounding. Wh-where am I? ZOMBIE THREE: On an uncharted island. JEFFERY: Who are you? ZOMBIE FOUR: Just your run-of-the-mill zombies, I guess... JEFFERY: Am I a zombie ? ZOMBIE THREE: (baffled) I don't think so. JEFFERY: Then why am I here? ZOMBIE FOUR: Good question. (to ZOMBIE THREE) Why would he be hear if he wasn't a zombie? ZOMBIE THREE: Well, I guess he could be a zombie. You saw him trying to walk in the sand, didn't you? ZOMBIE FOUR: He did topple over quite easily, but shouldn't he know if he's a zombie? JEFFERY: I-I can't remember. (looking at audience) Aah! Who are all those people? ZOMBIE THREE and ZOMBIE FOUR: (look at the audience, then at each other) What people? JEFFERY: All those people right there. Seated and watching us. Laughing at us. ZOMBIE FOUR: Hm, that coconut must have hit him pretty hard. JEFFERY: I don't think I like being laughed at. ZOMBIE FOUR: Maybe some water would help? (ZOMBIE THREE picks up a conveniently located bucket of water, splashing it on JEFFERY's face) ZOMBIE FOUR: Well, I meant to drink. JEFFERY: Oh, oh that's better. (looking at the audience) Thank goodness, it's just the ocean. ZOMBIE THREE: He must have amnesia. ZOMBIE FOUR: Well, I guess we can't eat him yet. ZOMBIE THREE: Aw, why not? ZOMBIE FOUR: He might be one of us. ZOMBIE THREE: So, we're zombies. We can eat anything! ZOMBIE FOUR: But it's unethical. ZOMBIE THREE: We're zombies, what do we care about ethics? We were unfairly banished from the world to a desert island just because we're different. (sigh) I guess we can hold off. He's too skinny to eat anyway. ZOMBIE FOUR: (to JEFFERY) Well, I guess that makes you Zombie number five for right now. ZOMBIE THREE: Let's take him to the coconut plantation. (ZOMBIE THREE and FOUR untie JEFFERY and exit the stage) Curtains close |
| SCENE SIX (As the scene is changed behind the curtain JACKIE, VALERIE, and ALICIA come out stage right. All are wearing white t-shirts under pink overalls and all had a smattering of pink paints on various parts of themselves and their outfits. JACKIE was carrying a rolling pink covered in pink paint) JACKIE: (practically singing) Alicia my darling you are brilliant! We have a whole work force down here, why not use them? ALICIA: Thank you Miss President VALERIE: At least we can get the men out of the basement. I still don’t quite understand why we are treating them like animals. JACKIE: (either not understanding or completely ignoring the criticism) My dear Valerie, we have to make a big impact! (suddenly stopping her march across stage) Why! Your earrings are gorgeous. VALERIE: Thank you, my boyfriend gave them to me. JACKIE: (genuinely shocked) Well I’ll be! He had great taste! VALERIE: And at one time a mustache ALICIA: (aghast) How could you bear it? VALERIE: I loved him? JACKIE: (suddenly sad, she takes Valerie by the shoulders and looks her in the eye) Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry our founding mothers set such an example for you. Had your boyfriend really loved you, he would have shaved off that mustache. VALERIE: But – JACKIE: Now! Off to collect the men! (JACKIE and ALICIA hook arms and skip off the stage left. VALERIE, however, stays back a little. Once the two are gone, a spotlight shines brightly on VALERIE) VALERIE: Had my boyfriend really loved me, he would have shaved his mustache? (a few light tones of music come from the orchestra as VALERIE’s speech turns to song) VALERIE: But what if I loved him Just as he was? But what if I loved him Just… because? But what if I loved him But what if he loved me Just…. The… Way… We… Were….? (the music picks up a little and VALERIE paces in front of the curtain looking down at her shoes – pink high heels poking from under her overalls) I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to care. I never meant to bring in the politics The shallow bits I never meant to tear us.. a – paaaaart I supported a strong voice An ambitious device Who could – who would – change this woooorld All I wanted was peace! For war to cease! For people to be freeeee! And she promised that. And she achieved that. But somehow I… Lost… A… Part.. Of… Him… (singing loud and with gusto) Why must it matter so? What difference is some hair? Why do people care? Is this why we have government? Is being shaven an improvement? (sighs) But I still believe in her I still have faith in her And I believe In the end We… Can… Do… Some… Good… (song ends) VALERIE: (looking at her fashionable shoe again and says, quietly) But that doesn’t stop me from missing him. (VALERIE exits stage left. Just as she leaves the curtain opens to reveal the basement of the white house, full of men. The lights go up but wash the whole stage in red. A few men are sprawled on the ground, you can hear low moaning. MAN ONE: No more… Please… no more. MAN TWO: I can’t take anymore of this. MAN ONE: Maybe if we talk loud enough, we won’t be able to hear it anymore (Suddenly a Spice Girls song blares through the speakers. The MEN writher in pain) MAN TWO: (shouting over the music) This is the fifth time we’ve heard this song! The fifth time! I’m going to go mad! (Just as suddenly as it began the music is cut off and in walks JACKIE and ALICIA looking over the scene with pleasure) MAN ONE: I never thought I’d be happy to see that woman… JACKIE: Hello boys! I see you’re enjoying my faaavorite song! (she giggles) WHISKERED WILL: (standing as if he is claiming leadership of the poor MEN) What is it that you want, cruel enslaver? (JACKIE and ALICIA cast each other glances before bursting out laughing. Silently, VALERIE appears behind them) JACKIE: It’s good to see that your morale is high enough to be joking! And as far as my purpose there – I have a job for you! My dear associate here took notice of the energy we are wasting by having you whither away in the basement. So, chop chop! Let’s get a move on. We’re doing some redecorating and we could use some more painters! WHISKERED WILL: So you think because we are men we are all good painters? ALICIA: But of course! (ALICIA proceeds to round up some of the men and takes them upstairs. The MEN look around at each other and a small group gathers off to the side. Lights dim on the women to allude that they cannot hear the conversation the men are having) MAN ONE: I suppose we can’t complain about getting out of this retched basement. I’m excited to see the sun again. MAN TWO: Still – now we are being forced into labor? At least being trapped down here we could believe we weren’t actually slaves… WHISKERED WILL: Boys, I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be tricky but if we play our cards right we just might be able to get out of here. MAN TWO: What are you thinking Will? I don’t know if I want to try any funny business. Sometimes it’s better to just follow the rules. MAN ONE: Locked up for less than a week and you’re already willing to bend to the will of these women? (tsks) Tell us the plan Will, we’ll follow you all the way. WHISKERED WILL: (a grim but determined look on his face) Just do exactly what you are told and if I happen to go missing… which I hope I will… cover for me. Okay? That’s all you have to do. I hope. (The GROUP OF MEN nod and give several words of encouragement before breaking up and following JACKIE up the stairs. The curtains close and the group walks in front of the curtains from stage left to stage right. WHISKERED WILL is at the back of the crowd and suddenly VALERIE turns around and grabs his elbow. The rest of the GROUP continues off stage) VALERIE: Will…I never meant for this to happen. WHISKERED WILL: (staring at her for a moment) I know…. But you did let it happen. VALERIE: What was I supposed to do at this point? I am doing my best to help you, you have to believe me. And… if it’s any consolation, you look good without the whiskers too. WHISKERED WILL: (stroking where his whiskers used to be) I appreciate it. (VALERIE and WHISKERED WILL walk off stage right as the curtain opens to reveal the changed set. One half of the stage, stage right, is lit up and reveals a half painted room in the white house. It looks very cute with white trim and a couple women are stenciling flowers around the door frame. The other half of the stage, stage left, is apparently another room the white house but it is dark and should pose little interest to the audience at the time being. The women working in the lit room are delighted to see JACKIE and the MEN enter stage right) WOMAN ONE: Oh how wonderful! I was just starting to get blisters from painting! WOMAN TWO: How unsightly! WOMAN ONE: These men look so personable now that they are clean shaven! You’ve done such a wonderful job with them, Miss President! MAN ONE: (whispered to another man) You’d think we were all a bunch of Ken dolls… MAN TWO: (whispering back) I’m pretty sure that’s the intention. JACKIE: All right boys! Pick up a roller and get to work! We need to finish this coat and then do a whole new one! After that – it’s off to the next room! (The room starts bustling as everyone rearranges a little. The MEN look over at WHISKERED WILL who nods indicating they should do as they are told. All the MEN grab painting tools and get to work. None of the women notice as WHISKERED WILL sneaks out of the lit room and enters the unlit room. As he does so, the lights fade on the painted room and come up on the one that WILL enters. All the people in the painted room freeze so no attention is taken from WILL and the room on stage left. Now that it is lit, it is quite obviously JACKIE’s bedroom, due to the fluffy pink pillows on the bedspread. WHISKERED WILL closes the door quickly behind him and looks around nervously) WHISKERED WILL: I’m too old for all this sneaking around… (he looks around the room a little more before pulling a large black garbage bag out of his back pocket. He walks over to the wardrobe) WHISKERED WILL: But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do! Now let me find a dress in my size… (WILL rummages around in the wardrobe, holding various outfits up to himself, before shoving a number of articles of clothing into the garbage bag, suddenly though the door to the room opens. In a panic, WILL shoves the garbage bag behind him on the floor) ALICIA: Miss President? (she sees WILL and shrieks as if she’s seen a mouse) What are /you/ doing in here?! WHISKERED WILL: Uh – what do you mean? ALICIA: (now suspicious) I mean what are you doing in the President’s bedroom! WHISKERED WILL: Well I have every right to be here! I – um – am head of decorating! There were far too many people working in the one room so I took the liberty to move on to another room and plan ahead! That will make the whole process run so much smoother, don’t you think? ALICIA: (not quite buying it) And you ended up here? WHISKERED WILL: Of… of course! What better place to start? I mean, I’m kind of new at this and it’s a whole different thought process for me. You know, the /women’s/ side. And the bedroom of the… the… /great/ new president provides so much better inspiration! (WILL scurries over to ALICIA and wraps his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to him. WILL motions his hand in front of ALICIA like a rainbow) WHISKERED WILL: I am already feeling it! There are so many things I can do – but I think… I think I’m sensing… /purple/! (looking at ALICIA’s face) I know, I know, it’s not the president’s favorite, but sometimes you can have too much of a good thing, eh? And purple just gives off a much more calming feel. You know – maybe a sort of… lavender. With… fragrant blossoms and um…. Crocheted pillows and… stuff. ALICIA: You know, I hate to admit it but I think you might be on to something. WHISKERED WILL: (petting his non-existent whiskers) I am glad you approve! ALICIA: Still, I don’t think you should be in here alone. Just because you are out of the basement does not mean you have free reign to do whatever you want. Come along! WHISKERED WILL: Uh – right! Just let me grab - (WILL takes hold of the garbage bag) Just some painting supplies. Let’s go! |
| SCENE SEVEN (The back lights dim and the front lights are focused on BELLEZA and LEO entering stage right. The scene of men and women painting the White House disappear behind the island background which is being rolled in, making it appear that BELLEZA and LEO are walking rapidly across the beach. BELLEZA is holding a compass and peering at it with a determined look on her face. LEO is rubbing his stomach.) LEO: I'm so hungry. (They stop beside a tree. BELLEZA is peering at her compass, eyebrows furrowed. She knocks the compass against the trunk of the tree and peers at it again. Then throws it to the ground. It lands, drawing the audiences attention to the something red that's lying on the floor of the stage.) BELLEZA: It's not working. LEO: I don't think we need it, the island isn't that big. BELLEZA: Oh, Leo, I hope Jeffery washed up here. If he didn't, I just don't know what I'd do. (she covers her face with her hands. LEO reaches out to console her and she moves in for a hug, putting all her weight in his arms. LEO is looking over her shoulder and up at the tree. He suddenly lets go of BELLEZA) LEO: Aha! Food! (BELLEZA falls to the ground.) BELLEZA: (groaning and picking herself up) You're some friend, Leo. (LEO is jumping up and down trying to reach what's in the tree) BELLEZA: (brushing herself off) What is it? Coconuts? LEO: It looks like some kind of fruit. (he manages to pull one off a branch. It is yellow with blue spots) Aha, delicious. BELLEZA: Isn't that the stuff they told us not to eat? LEO: Don't be silly. They said don't eat the blue fruit with the yellow spots. This is yellow with blue spots. BELLEZA: (puzzled) Are you sure it wasn't the other way around? LEO: Of course I'm sure. BELLEZA: Well, how do you know it's not poisonous. LEO: Just look (pointing up at the tree, we hear the chirping of a bird) The birds are eating it. How awful could it be? BELLEZA: (shrugging) I don't understand why we aren't allowed to eat the fruit in the first place. LEO: Doesn't matter. This is clearly a completely different fruit. (getting out a knife) Want some? I'll cut in half. BELLEZA: (sighing) Oh,Leo, how could I eat right now? Not knowing if my Tomato Snout is warm or hungry or lost. Whether he's safe or whether he's in trouble. LEO: (biting into the fruit and talking with his mouth full) Well, I suppose he could always eat his nose. BELLEZA: Leo! LEO: What? I wasn't being mean... BELLEZA: No, Leo, look! (running to where she threw the compass, she picks up a small red ball off the ground and gasps) Leo, oh my gosh. Oh no! It's my Tomato Snout's tomato snout. He must have been here. He must be frantic looking for it. He gets awful colds and without this protective snout his nose is like ice. (frantic) Oh, Ringling Brothers, what if something happened to him. What if this--what if--Oh no. What if this is all that's left? (LEO drops his fruit and springs to catch BELLEZA before she faints, but doubles over with stomach pains instead. BELLEZA is on the ground and LEO writhes before going limp on the ground, the lights change and the stage is soaked in a bluish glow. BOAR--randomly--enters stage right, trots over to the two bodies, sniffs, then trots off again) LEO: (rising slowly from the ground, holding his stomach and groaning) Oh, what an awful flavor! BELLEZA: (stirring) Oh, wh-what is that awful smell? Like, like some type of pig. (pause) Why are you looking at me like that? LEO: (mouth agape) Belleza, I just never realized how beautiful you are. BELLEZA: Wha-- LEO: Your eyes, have they always been brown? BELLEZA: Um. LEO: The most striking shade of brown! BELLEZA: Pretty ordinary really (she starts to get up) LEO: (scrambling to his feet) Oh, no, let me help you up. BELLEZA: Oh, that's alright, Leo. LEO: Well, at least let me carry you the rest of the way across the beach. BELLEZA: What's wrong with you? LEO: It's just, that goatee is so becoming on you. It's lustrous and shiny. (he approaches a dumbfounded BELLEZA, taking her limp hand, he strokes her goatee and says quietly) And soft. It really complements your eyes. BELLEZA: Er... LEO: (holding a finger up to her lips) Sh! There's no need for words. BELLEZA: (abruptly pulling away from him) Leo, what's got into you? You have to stop this nonsense. (holding out her hand) Look, I found Jeffery's nose. I want the rest of him. Now, we have to hurry. What if he's injured somewhere? LEO: (taking Belleza by the wrists) Don't you see, I love you. We were meant for each other.We're so much alike. BELLEZA: (rolling eyes) Oh please, we hardly ever agree on anything. We're nothing alike! LEO: We both have facial hair! We both love chocolate ice cream! BELLEZA: (aghast) I never eat chocolate. I like vanilla! LEO: That can't be. I love chocolate. BELLEZA: I know! And I like vanilla. LEO: Stop lying to yourself. You like chocolate and you love me. BELLEZA: (trying to be calm) Leo, please, we have to find Jeffery. You have to stop-- LEO: Forget Jeffery. How can you think about that clown when we're alone on a romantic beach like this? BELLEZA: (slaps LEO across the face) How dare you! (BELLEZA begins to run off, but LEO pounces and they both fall to the ground. BELLEZA pushes him off and this time, punches him square on the nose. LEO totters backwards. While this is going on, ZOMBIE THREE enters stage right. Seeing the struggle, he stops to watch.) LEO: Ow, that really hurt! I just wanted to kiss you. BELLEZA: (exasperated) I don't want to be kissed! (LEO and BELLEZA spot ZOMBIE THREE in the same instant. It looks at them wide-eyed.) ZOMBIE THREE: Food! BELLEZA: (sits down on the sand, covers her ears and begins kicking her feet and throwing a temper tantrum) No no no no no no no! Everyone around me is nuts! Cannibals! Lion-tamers! Aargh! Absolutely nuts. LEO: Furry face, you're not behaving very attractively. BELLEZA: Shut up! And do not make up pet names for me. And you! (looking at ZOMBIE THREE who had been running awkwardly at them) You can/not/ eat us. ZOMBIE THREE: Ah, why not? BELLEZA: Well, fine. Eat him. LEO: But dearest... BELLEZA: Shut up! ZOMBIE THREE: (sniffing LEO) Yuck. I don't want this one. LEO: (offended) I can't smell that awful! ZOMBIE THREE: No, have eaten a Forbidden Fruit. LEO: You can tell that just by smelling me? ZOMBIE THREE: No, you have a piece of it stuck in your teeth. BELLEZA: You can't eat him because of the fruit? ZOMBIE THREE: Well, it would be a bad idea not to wait a couple hours--until the poison from the fruit wears off. Although, there was a time that Zombies would eat this fowl tasting thing freely. LEO: It did taste awful. ZOMBIE THREE: But every time they did it would cause the eater to pass out, and when they came to, they'd fall in love with the first person or creature that they saw. BELLEZA: Oh, well that explains it. ZOMBIE THREE: Several years ago, one of our leaders ate this fruit and fell madly in love with a Zombie maiden. But another Zombie was already madly in love with her. The whole island divided into sides and a massacre ensued. Ever since then, the island's been divided into two halves. BELLEZA: How silly! ZOMBIE THREE: This fruit makes people crazy. BELLEZA: no kidding (glaring at LEO).We met a couple zombies from that side of the island (pointing in the direction from which they'd come). They told us not to eat the fruit but never said why. ZOMBIE THREE: (shrugging) They don't like to talk about it. You two look tired. Please, come back to the coconut plantation with me. I'll have dinner. LEO: Oh, I'm famished. Can we join you? ZOMBIE THREE: (rubbing hands together and speaking quietly) You'll be our main course. LEO and BELLEZA: Hu? ZOMBIE THREE: I said, Yes, yes, of course. |
| (the island set moves with them again as ZOMBIE THREE, BELLEZA, and LEO move off stage right. Behind the island the white house rooms have been removes and the basement set is back in place. At first it is empty, but then JACKIE enters and in file the MEN in fresh prison clothes, looking exhausted) JACKIE: You did a splendid job today boys! The room looks fan/tastic/. I hope you enjoyed it and you can expect an early rise tomorrow to get started on that second coat! (JACKIE giggles and exits stage left, ignoring the groans of the men) MAN ONE (DONALD): This is just ridiculous. Think about how many presidents are rolling in their graves right now. I’ve never seen such a hideous color of pink. MAN TWO (JORGE): I suppose there are worse things she can do to the place though. Just think, in four years we can vote her out of office – MAN ONE: I love democracy. MAN THREE (LOUIE): How long do you think before we’ll be able to get out of here though? Surely she couldn’t keep us around that long… WHISKERED WILL: We can be out tonight, my boys! DONALD: Will! There you are – the boys and I weren’t sure if you ever actually came back. JORGE: Yeah – where did you go? I thought for sure you would have gotten your hind parts out of this retched place when you got the chance. LOUIE: You weren’t found, were you? WHISKERED WILL: Well – yes and know. I was caught, in the president’s bedroom no less, but I managed to… /finesse/ my way out of the sticky situation. DONALD: (elbowing JORGE in the ribs) Such a ladies man. JORGE: (nodding) I didn’t think he’d still be able to do it without the whiskers. WHISKERED WILL: (stepping up on an old crate with the over-stuffed garbage bag) Oh-ho-ho! Boys, you have no idea what I can do – with or without my whiskers! (He then proceeds to dump the contents of the bag on the floor.) LOUIE: What in the world? DONALD: You raided her closet – are you kidding me? What good is that supposed to do? JORGE: What have you done?! She’s going to murder us once she notices this gone! WHISKERED WILL: (waving away their comments) She won’t notice for weeks, I barely made a dent in her closet. Besides – are you truly that dense? These clothes are our ticket outta here! (suddenly, catchy music springs up from the orchestra. WHISKERED WILL pumps his fist in the air before singing) WHISKERED WILL: One whole week We’ve been down in here Forced to suffer Barely fed! Without toilet or bed! But now boys – we’re getting out of here! And they won’t suspect a thing. (WHISKERED WILL jumps off his crate and starts going through the different dresses and skirts. He runs around the MEN, riling them up as he sings) These women They think they are so smart! Locking us up in cages So bold and courageous But with /their/ help We’ll escape And they won’t suspect a thing. (MEN join the song) Oh they won’t suspect a thing! (MEN and WHISKERED WILL get down on their knees as they go through the clothes. In the back and along the sides the men are dancing a manly, heavy footed dance. Everyone on stage sings) We’ll put one a high heeled shoe They won’t have clue! Is wearing a bra Against the law? They’d never think we’d do such a thing But we’ll get out of here Though they won’t suspect a thing! (During the commotion of the dancing, some of the men have put on dresses, skirts etc. The dancing on the sides and back has turned into something more feminine with high kicks and twirling) We’ll slip right under their nose With the help of some panty hose Put on a skirt It won’t hurt! And they’ll Never… suspect… a thiiiiing! A thiiiiing! Nothiiiiiing! We’re getting out of here! WEEE! (all the men throw an article of clothing into the air then celebrate by giving high fives and very manly laughter as the curtain closes) |
| INTERMISSION --------- ACT TWO SCENE ONE (The set begins to fill with smoke, the Basement slowly disappearing in the haze and the Island set rolling in. Colored lights hit the smoke--reds, yellows and green. At the same time, ZOMBIE THREE enters, dancing around a cauldron--it is on wheels and appears to be moving to center stage on its own. ZOMBIE FOUR continues to dance around the cauldron and Zombie HULA DANCERS move into scene from either side of the stage. Zombie DRUMMERS also enter, and sit cross-legged on either side of the sage, rhythmically pounding on their instruments.) HULA DANCERS: (chanting) We're gonna eat We're gonna eat Ah-weeeeee-EEE-ee-eat ZOMBIE FOUR: (singing) In our jungle, our barren jungle The Zombies eat tooo-niight (HULA DANCERS dance their way in front of ZOMBIE FOUR and continuing their chant, they dance like mad until the scene abruptly ends. Two boar on sticks are brought in shish-kebab style and a basket of coconuts is also left on the stage as HULA DANCERS and DRUMMERS exit the stage. JEFFERY enters.) ZOMBIE FOUR: (throwing ingredients into the cauldron) Ah! My tall Zombie friend, what did you think of our dancers? JEFFERY: (singing) Spectacular! Spectacular! No words in the vernacular, could describe their grand performance. I was dumb with wonderment... ZOMBIE FOUR: (shrugging) Yea, I guess it was okay. JEFFERY: Is there dancing every night? ZOMBIE FOUR: No, no. This was a special occasion. Thanks to you spotting that fresh meat over the trees, we'll be able to have a superb meal tonight. You must be famished. JEFFERY: (rubbing his head) Oh, yes. ZOMBIE FOUR: And exhausted. Look at all those coconuts you've harvested today! JEFFERY: I think my memory might be coming back a little. ZOMBIE FOUR: Oh? JEFFERY: Oh yes, before I became a zombie, I believe I was an accountant. (pauses, stroking his chin) Yes, I can really see myself juggling... books. Only, I can also see myself juggling eggs. ZOMBIE FOUR: Maybe you were a chef? JEFFERY: But I also see myself juggling chickens. ZOMBIE FOUR: So, you were a chef who cooked chicken. JEFFERY: Did I cook goldfish? Because I seem to remember juggling five fish bowls filled with live fish and water while balancing an entire collection of Encyclopedia Britannicas on my head. ZOMBIE FOUR: Oh! You must have worked at one of those restaurants where they entertained while cooking your food. JEFFERY: Hm... ZOMBIE FOUR: It looks like we're short a couple coconuts. Let's see if we can find a couple more. (JEFFERY picks a few coconuts out of the basket and juggles while following ZOMBIE FOUR off stage right. ZOMBIE THREE, LEO and BELLEZA enter stage left) ZOMBIE THREE: ...And one zombie fell in love with a boar after eating the fruit. BELLEZA: (giggling) Oh my. ZOMBIE THREE: He used to compare the two of them to Romeo and Juliet. (pausing in thought) He was quite devastated when our tribe of zombies decided to eat it. BELLEZA: Oh dear. ZOMBIE THREE: Well, we mounted the head for him--there used to be a taxidermist on the island--and let him eat the brain and the heart. BELLEZA: He didn't actually eat it, did he? ZOMBIE THREE: Oh yes. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he said, she was the most beautiful and delicious thing he'd ever tasted. BELLEZA: Oh dear. LEO: (coming up behind BELLEZA and putting an arm around her shoulder) I bet you'd be delicious. BELLEZA: (Elbows LEO in the stomach and ignores him as he falls to his knees in pain. Speaking pleasantly to ZOMBIE THREE) So, something smells good! ZOMBIE THREE: (Rubbing hands together, voice becoming raspy) Oh yes. We'll be eating fresh tonight. (JEFFERY enters scene left and picks some coconuts off of a tree, piling them into a basket, seeming not to notice BELLEZA and LEO.) ZOMBIE THREE: Ah! There's our master coconut picker. (LEO and BELLEZA turn around at the same time, both gasping. Their mouths hang open. LEO reaches around and puts his arm possessively around BELLEZA's shoulder. BELLEZA pushes his hand away. He does it again. Without changing her expression she slaps him and runs to JEFFERY) BELLEZA: (hugging JEFFERY's legs) Oh, Jeffery, I've been so worried. I thought I'd never find you!! Oh, Jeffery, aren't you going to hold me? JEFFERY: (baffled) I'm sorry, sir, do I know you? BELLEZA: Oh, Jeffery, stop joking around. Honestly, sometimes you take your work too seriously. Now, hold me! ...Tomato Snout, don't you recognize me? Whisker Lips... JEFFERY: (strokes chin) Why, I don't have any whiskers. BELLEZA: No, no. I'm Whisker Lips, you're my Tomato Snout. JEFFERY: Tomato Snout? ZOMBIE FOUR: Clearly he doesn't have one of those. JEFFERY: (touching his nose) It doesn't appear to be a tomato. ZOMBIE THREE: But it is edible. JEFFERY: (shrugging) You must have me confused with someone else. I'm just your average day Zombie. BELLEZA: You aren't a zombie! You're a clown. And more importantly, you're my boyfriend. LEO: (looking grumpy) Well, he doesn't have to be. JEFFERY: (hands on hips) If I'm not a zombie, why do I have so much trouble walking in the sand. LEO: You're on stilts, you bozo. BELLEZA: And I think one of them is sprained. Let me fix it for you. ZOMBIE THREE: (whispering to JEFFERY) Don't do it. It's a trick! ZOMBIE FOUR: I've had enough of this. Let's eat. BELLEZA: (stroking goatee) Well, I suppose we could discuss this over a boar leg and some tea. ZOMBIE FOUR: Oh, you won't be eating with us. ZOMBIE THREE: You'll be busy. JEFFERY: Being eaten. BELLEZA: Jeffery, stop being ridiculous. You're a vegetarian. JEFFERY: Zombies aren't vegetarians. BELLEZA: Exactly. You're not a zombie. Honestly, first the world is taken over my psycho Feminists who have some radical idea that Facial Hair is somehow connected to wars--Never mind, that they may have been right--and I'm banished along with my circus and I lose my boyfriend, Leo goes mad, then we find my boyfriend who thinks he's a zombie and has forgotten me after just...one...day. (bursts into tears) ZOMBIE FOUR: Oh good, we won't have to add salt to this one. (ZOMBIE THREE exasperated with all the talk, grabs LEO and tries to throw him into the bubbling cauldron. They begin to struggle. BELLEZA attempt to run away, but JEFFERY grabs her arm and attempts to gnaw at it.) BELLEZA: (screaming) Aaagh! This is not a love nibble! This is unpleasant! Stop it! (BELLEZA starts beating at JEFFERY to no avail. LEO, seeing BELLEZA his beloved is in trouble, manages to get away from ZOMBIE THREE's grasp and grabs BELLEZA's free arm, trying to pull her away from JEFFERY. LEO and JEFFERY are now involved in a tug of war over BELLEZA. The ZOMBIES, seeing that neither of their dinners are going anywhere simply crawl over and gnaw at their ankles. LEO breaks away. ZOMBIE THREE follows him. LEO picks up a thin piece of driftwood from the ground to beat the ZOMBIE away. The ZOMBIE picks up another piece of driftwood and the duel begins.) LEO: Hey, where did this basket of rotten tomatoes come from? (LEO drops his driftwood/sword and proceeds to throw the rotten tomatoes at the ZOMBIES and JEFFERY especially) LEO: Aha! Take that you rotten people-eaters! Take that Jeffery! ...Oh, sorry, my sweet! (ZOMBIES are knocked off balance by the tomatoes. JEFFERY gets hit hard with a tomato and looks as though he's fallen deep in thought.) JEFFERY: These rotten tomatoes remind me of something...And I don't think it's my former career as a chef...I think people may have thrown tomatoes at me before... (BELLEZA is on the round covered in tomatoes. A look of recognition comes over JEFFERY's face.) JEFFERY: Oh, Whisker Lips! (he takes BELLEZA in his arms and delicately wipes the tomato away from her face and carefully picks it out of her goatee) I'm so sorry. I remember everything now. I lost my nose. I lost you. I thought I lost you because I lost my nose. I got hit in the head with a coconut. I almost got eaten. BELLEZA: Oh, Tomato Snout! (putting her arms around him, suddenly they are pummeled with tomatoes. LEO stands over them, while the zombies are struggling to get out of the sand.) LEO: None of that. (holding out his piece of driftwood like a sword) Unhand that woman, Jeffery. JEFFERY: (looking baffled) It's okay, Leo, I remem--- Ow! That really hurt! BELLEZA: Oh! (kissing JEFFERY's head) I'm sorry, Tomato Snout. Leo ate this awful fruit that made him fall in love with me. He's been acting absolutely crazy. JEFFERY: (aghast) I'll feed him to the Zombies! BELLEZA: Oh, no, no. We must find a cure! ZOMBIE THREE: (Sitting down, having given up trying to get up) There is no cure! Not here anyway. BELLEZA: But there is a cure? Where? Where can we find it? ZOMBIE FOUR: Well, it's just a myth. But they say there's a certain cherry tree in Washington D.C. Right outside of the White House. BELLEZA: Yes? And the cherries cure this er, love spell? ZOMBIE THREE: Not the cherries, you have to dig for the roots. BELLEZA: And it's just this one cherry tree? ZOMBIE FOUR: Yes. BELLEZA: You're certain. ZOMBIE FOUR: (looking annoyed) Well, no. It's just a rumor, really. BELLEZA: Oh, Jeffery. We must try. JEFFERY: But how will we do it? That's where the President is. We'll be banished. Thrown into the basement. They'll try to wax your beautiful face. LEO: (discreetly trying to hold BELLEZA's hand and pull her away from JEFFERY) There's nothing wrong with me. I mean, it’s uncanny how I can’t stop thinking about her and it’s making it hard to function… but I don’t mind. Really I don’t! BELLEZA: This won't just... wear off eventually? ZOMBIE THREE: Well, kind of. It will start to fade as the fruit is digested. ZOMBIE FOUR: But that takes seven years. ZOMBIE THREE: Like gum. JEFFERY: (sighing) I guess we have no choice but to try. Otherwise, I might have to tie my friend up to a coconut tree. Or worse. BELLEZA: (Standing and brushing sand off herself) Well, it's settled then. ZOMBIE FOUR: (sighing) I suppose we can help. We've been unfairly banished ourselves. ZOMBIE THREE: You did turn out to be some worthy dinner entrees. ZOMBIE FOUR: Er, she means, worthy opponents. ZOMBIE THREE: And there is that ship. ZOMBIE FOUR: Right. You'll be needing a ship and it's just going to waste sitting here. BELLEZA: A ship? ZOMBIE THREE: (shrugging) You have a lot of free time when you live on a desert island. So we built one. It’s rather crude… you know, only coconut wood to work with… but it’ll get you there. BELLEZA: (grinning) Alright, it's settled. We're going to Washington! JEFFERY: Now, we just need a plan. BELLEZA: And you'll be needing this. (BELLEZA takes JEFFERY's nose out of her pocket and holds it out to him. He looks at her lovingly. They embrace for a kiss. JEFFERY pulls away giggling.) JEFFERY: I've missed the way that tickles. (lights dim just as LEO winds up to throw another tomato at JEFFERY.) |
| SCENE TWO (the actors and beach scene is moved off in the dark with the curtains still open. The sound of an answering machine comes through the speakers) Beeeeep! VOICE OF JACKIE: You have reached Jackie – president of the United States! I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I must be out on business… or having fun with the girls! (she laughs) Anywho – leave me a message and I’ll get back to you in a jiffy. Thanks! VOICE OF A MAN: (disgruntled) Uh… yeah… Miss President this is, um, the Prime Minister of England. I just – you don’t have a secretary? Really? - never mind, what I mean is that I’m a little concerned about some of the things being implemented in the United States. I – and the rest of the world – would like to know… well… what is going on. Thanks. Um…. Call me. You… should have my number. (lights come up to show the oval office, now a delightful pink. JACKIE is sitting in the desk listening to the message with ALICIA and VALERIE standing just off to the side) ALICIA: (giggling) He sounded so confused! JACKIE: Just like a man! One little change like leaving a message and he can barely function! VALERIE: (nodding) I agree with you there, Jackie! He probably had a whole discussion planned out but didn’t know how to say it there. Would you like me to give you his number? JACKIE: (filing her manicured nails) Hmmm, naw, I’ll wait a little bit. I’m not in the mood to chit-chat with the Prime Minister. Though that does remind me – did the Canadian official ever get back to me about throwing a birthday party for the Queen of England? I’d really like to get all of North America involved on that! VALERIE: No, but the Mexican president did. He said, “Si, si – a mi, me encantan las fiestas, pero no puedo darte dinero.” ALICIA: Meaning? VALERIE: That he’s humoring us because he doesn’t want to cause trouble but isn’t about to give up a single dime in order to do so? JACKIE: Oh Valerie – you have no faith! Maybe he really does like the idea of throwing the Queen a birthday party but just doesn’t have money in the budget to help out. I understand, Mexico is a poor country after all! ALICIA: You always stay so optimistic, Miss President! VALERIE: But don’t you think you’re being slightly unrealistic? I mean – no leader of a country is going to outright deny giving the Queen a birthday party. You have to read between the lines. After all, he didn’t actually say he liked the idea, he just said he liked parties. That’s being pretty vague. JACKIE: That is a good thought Valerie, and I have reason to believe you – mainly because that man still sports a mustache when he knows full well how I feel about them. ALICIA: You just can’t trust a man! JACKIE: No matter, we don’t really need his financial help anyway. Alicia, I want you to pick out a birthday card and then send it to Mexico for him to sign. Then we will know whether he truly supports it or not! VALERIE: (smiling) Now that’s the kind of covert tactic I fell in love with from the beginning! JACKIE: I’m not all pink nails and tutus my dear! (there is a knock on the door before a young intern enters. Her voice is high and squeaky) INTERN: Miss President! JACKIE: Yes, dear…? INTERN: Tabitha, Miss President! JACKIE: Tabitha, of course, you were the one in charge of updating me on those escaped convicts. I take it you have more information? TABITHA: I do, Miss President! As you know, they took over that cruise ship just outside of Florida but when we tried to overtake it, a few of them went overboard and were lost at sea. We have been able to identify a number of them, including Mr. Leo Liontamer, Ms. Belleza Beardedface, and Mr. Jeffery Longlegs. Let it be known that the lion went into the water as well. VALERIE: (confused) Those are there… official names? TABITHA: Yes, it seems they changed their birth certificates when they joined the circus! JACKIE: Elusive. It’s as if they knew they would one day be on the run… please, go on Tabitha. Do we know what happened to them? TABITHA: We have a hunch, Miss President! At first we thought it was safe to assume they were lost as sea, but now we have reason to believe they washed up on an uncharted island. ALICIA: Well good, they can just stay there! TABITHA: (shaking her head) There is a problem though, Miss President! Even though our only map charting the island has disappeared, we sent scouts over the area to look for the island. We believe we have found it – only… only… JACKIE: Yes? TABITHA: Only, there is a large ship docked on the island, Miss President! It seems as though the zombies, and the fugitives, are no longer confined to the island! JACKIE: (Ironically rubbing her chin as if she had a beard) What an interesting turn of events. I thought these rascals would be out of my mind. Well, I suppose as a president you will always deal with the rebels of the world. ALICIA: Spoken like a true leader! VALERIE: I imagine we are safe to assume they will just stay on the island where they are safe. But if they do have means to leaving… What will be your plan of action, Jackie? JACKIE: (giving a shrug) Let’s just bomb it! TABITHA: I’ll relay the message right away! ALICIA: (As TABITHA rushes out the door and the lights dim) A fearless leader! |
| (The lights are brought up but remain low as to indicate that it is almost night time again on the island. JEFFERY, BELLEZA, LEO, and a few ZOMBIES are seated around a roaring campfire.) JEFFERY: This plan thing isn’t going very well. BELLEZA: There’s just so much to consider! First of all, how are we going to navigate to the states? Second, once we arrive on the shore, how will we get to Washington and most importantly, how will we manage to get there undetected, retrieve Leo's cure and rescue Whiskered Will? Oh, poor Will, he was such a dear. He must be so...um, cold...You know, without his whiskers? Dontcha think? Gosh, most girls must get awfully cold in winter. I just can't imagine. (strokes beard thoughtfully) JEFFERY: It's not so bad (stroking his own smooth face) Anyway, that's not what I meant at all. This is important! We need a plan for how to deal with Leo. Every time I look around the hairy brute is undressing you with his eyes. If he was only a few inches shorter then, then BELLEZA: (weakly) Splat? JEFFERY: (passionately) Yes! Splat!! Like a, like a BELLEZA: Bug? JEFFERY: Like a bug! A little, pathetic one. BELLEZA: Yes. Hm. Well, why don't we just leave him here and bring the cure back to him? LEO: (mouth agape) Why, that could take you weeks! Darling, how can we survive apart like that? (taking BELLEZA by the hand) I need. Your love is like, like oxygen! Your love lifts me up where I belong. All I need is your love. (batting eyelashes) BELLEZA: (shaking LEO's hand away) Honestly, Leo. Can't you think of anything more original to say? LEO: Darling? BELLEZA: Stealing songs is illegal! LEO: Well, shoot, I was only quoting a couple! BELLEZA: (snorts) JEFFERY: Really, Leo, could you at least have the decency to cut down on attempted seduction while I'm around? BELLEZA: He should cut down on it all together. JEFFERY: Whisker lips, how can he help it? You're such an alluring, fuzzy little bear! I really can't blame the smitten oaf. BELLEZA: (giggling, shyly & embracing JEFFERY) Tomato schnozzle. You're making me blush. LEO: Hey! Hands off, you giant brute! JEFFERY: She's my girlfriend! (LEO pounces lion-style at JEFFERY, knocking the stilted clown onto the ground. A very comical fight ensues with BELLEZA scolding them all the while. JEFFERY is mostly kicking and LEO mostly clawing. LEO finally gives up and grabs BELLEZA by the arm. She screams.) LEO: No worries, my sweet! We're leaving. BELLEZA: Wha--- JEFFERY: (grabbing BELLEZA by the other arm) Not so fast foul foe! She's mine. LEO: No! She loves me. (tugging) She just (tugging) doesn't (tugging) know it yet! BELLEZA: Owww! Stop it! JEFFERY: Oh, precious! (still tugging) Leo, you're hurting my precious!! LEO: No! She's my precious. ZOMBIE THREE: (entering stage right carrying a radio) Why don't you two just play nice and share? (LEO and JEFFERY stop tugging and appear thoughtful) LEO: Hu, I never thought of it like that. JEFFERY: You know, every other day of the week might not be so bad. LEO: Oh, like either of us could live a full day without her! Why don't we just slice her in half? JEFFERY: Well, if that magician we had traveling with us in the circus could do it... LEO: Although, he did go through a curiously large volume of assistance. JEFFERY: You mean, the way he had a new one almost every time he performed the act. LEO: Yes. JEFFERY: I suppose that was mildly curious. LEO: Oh well. Puzzling over it now would only waste valuable time we could be spending with our half of lovely Belleza. JEFFERY: Well, I get the top half of her. I do love her Whisker Lips. LEO: That's not fair! How'll she talk to me? And those beautiful eyes...Um, what color were those again. BELLEZA: (crossing arms) They're brown. And you can't be serious. JEFFERY: She's right. LEO: You're right. Do you want the left half of her body or the right half of her? JEFFERY: Well, she's right-handed and I've always been partial to love letters. LEO: Well, gosh, that doesn't seem fair. BELLEZA: (pulling at her hair) What is wrong with you two?? You cannot cut me in half! LEO: (hands on hips) Well, how do you propose we share you, Belleza? Honestly! JEFFERY: Leo's right, dear. I mean, we must be reasonable. (While JEFFERY, LEO and BELLEZA have been talking ZOMBIE FOUR and ZOMBIE THREE have entered and approaches the campfire wearing a tiki mask that covers his whole body down to his feet) ZOMBIE THREE: Did you say something about disguises earlier? (BELLEZA, LEO and JEFFERY pause their conversation to look over) BELLEZA: Oh, dear. That will never work! JEFFERY: Absolutely not! That tiki has a mustache! ZOMBIE THREE: It is not a mustache! It's probably just part of the mouth. JEFFERY: (crossing arms) Well, it looks an awful lot like a msutache. ZOMBIE FOUR: Sir, this mask is absolutely hairless. Go on, touch it. JEFFERY: Hm, Whisker Lips, he's got a point. It is hairless. BELLEZA: (shaking head) Nope. Still won't do. LEO: I say no, too! (bats eyelashes at BELLEZA who in turn, rolls her eyes) ZOMBIE FOUR: Well, perhaps we can come up with something else. ZOMBIE THREE: At least we’re trying to come up with plans instead of fighting over girls. LEO: (sighing) They are right. I’m sorry my sweet. I never meant to put you in such a state of distress. If it would mean that much to you, I’d gladly get that fruit. I don’t know how it could change my love for you though…. BELLEZA: Thank you, Leo. And, if you could, please stop fighting with Jeffery? And both of you – stop pulling at my arms. It’s really starting to hurt! ZOMBIE THREE: You know, it's a special night. Some marshmallows washed up on shore. ZOMBIE FOUR: We're gonna make smores. LEO: Where did you get chocolate? JEFFERY: And graham crackers? ZOMBIE FOUR: Uh, well, we didn't. ZOMBIE THREE: We were going to use this coconut tree bark as the graham cracker ZOMBIE FOUR: And this trout as the chocolate. ZOMBIE THREE: It’ll be delicious. (JEFFERY, LEO and BELLEZA all look at each other) |
| JEFFERY: I’m not so sure that’s the best idea. ZOMBIE THREE: (shrugs) You gotta improvise on an island. You’ll be surprised all the things you can make from just a few ingredients. ZOMBIE FOUR: Yup – did you know all you need is a little coconut oil, some sand, the feces of bats and a lot of spit and you have a very strong glue? ZOMBIE THREE: And fish bones make great nails. ZOMBIE FOUR: Helped us build that ship you’re going to use. BELLEZA: Great…. JEFFERY: I’m not so sure using that thing is a good idea anymore… (Suddenly off to the side you see two ZOMBIES approaching. They have spears and are looking very uneasily at the other ZOMBIES at the campfire. The audience should recognize them as ZOMBIE ONE and ZOMBIE TWO. LEO notices them first) LEO: Hey guys! What’re you doing on this side of the island? (All of the ZOMBIES around the campfire jump up in shock. They scramble for weapons) ZOMBIE ONE: Wait! Don’t attack. ZOMBIE TWO: We are not here to make trouble. ZOMBIE ONE: I didn’t even want to come at all. ZOMBIE TWO: But we have a problem. BELLEZA: Warn us? Of what? (The ZOMBIES lower their weapons but look wary) ZOMBIE ONE: We heard it on the radio. ZOMBIE TWO And we know this side doesn’t have a radio. ZOMBIE ONE: Being all uncivilized. ZOMBIE TWO: And dirty. (the ZOMBIES raise their weapons again) ZOMBIE ONE: Oops, we didn’t mean that. ZOMBIE TWO: We keep forgetting that we have to work together now. JEFFERY: (shaking his head) You’re not making any sense! (ZOMBIE ONE and TWO look at each other and then start with their story) ZOMBIE ONE: Just a little while ago, we were listening to the radio. ZOMBIE TWO: Elvis was on. ZOMBIE ONE: And we love Elvis. ZOMBIE TWO: And then there was an announcement. ZOMBIE ONE: Which we usually ignore, but it was the new president. ZOMBIE TWO: So we decided to listen. ZOMBIE ONE: And we heard the worst news ever. ZOMBIE TWO: She said she was going to get rid of the mustached bandits that escaped her grasp before. ZOMBIE ONE: So we figured it was you guys. ZOMBIE TWO: She said she knew they had washed up on an uncharted island. ZOMBIE ONE: Obviously, this one. ZOMBIE TWO: Then she said that was going to bomb it. ZOMBIE ONE: And we’d be kaput. ZOMBIE TWO: Well she didn’t say “kaput.” ZOMBIE ONE: I added that part. BELLEZA: But… but that’s crazy! How does she even know for sure we are here? How… how can she want to kill us so much? It’s just a little facial hair! ZOMBIE THREE: (angry) You have endangered us! I knew we should have eaten you when we had the chance! LEO: But we didn’t mean to. It was really luck that brought us here anyway. ZOMBIE FOUR: You need to leave here immediately, then maybe she will stop the attack. ZOMBIE ONE: I don’t think that’s going to happen. ZOMBIE TWO: Yeah, she seemed pretty set about it. ZOMBIE ONE: It’s time we all left. JEFFERY: (nodding) He’s right you know. Even if you are zombies you shouldn’t be forced to live here for the rest of your life. I mean you are people. ZOMBIE ONE: Kind of. ZOMBIE TWO: A little disfigured. LEO: That’s it, isn’t it? This entire island is full of rejects of society and why? Because we have beards? Because you hunger for the flesh of a human? She just wants to wipe us out because she doesn’t want to deal with us anymore! Well I’m not going to let that happen! (LEO stands up and attempts to pull BELLEZA close to him, only to have her shove him away) We should all go to Washington D.C. – not only to get the root that my dearest so desperately wants – but to show this president that she can’t just get rid of every thing she doesn’t like. ZOMBIE THREE: That’s actually a pretty good idea. I wouldn’t mind getting off this island. ZOMBIE FOUR: You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to eat some strawberries. ZOMBIE THREE: But we’re not all going to be able to fit on that ship. ZOMBIE ONE: Actually, we have some transportation too. We built a submarine. ZOMBIE TWO: It’s spiffy. ZOMBIE ONE: And gives us the stealth we’ll need. JEFFERY: That’s very true. If they see us sailing away in a ship, won’t they just bomb that too? ZOMBIE THREE: We could try to bomb them back. ZOMBIE FOUR: You know, with the cannon on the ship. BELLEZA: (raises eyebrow) You have a ship, a submarine and a cannon? ZOMBIE ONE: Golly, we're not completely uncivilized. ZOMBIE TWO: But I don’t know coconuts will work very well against metal airplanes. JEFFERY: When will they bomb this place anyway? ZOMBIE ONE and TWO: Tomorrow at 9 am. (gasps all around) BELLEZA: There’s so little time! Do you think there’s a way we could trick the bombers into thinking we’re all still on the island and still escape? LEO: Belleza! That’s it! (he grabs her face and kisses her. JEFFERY looks ready to kill but LEO ignores him) There is a way! And I know just how to do it! (Everyone huddles around the fire and the audience can hear excited whispers as the curtain closes) |
| (BELLEZA, LEO, JEFFERY and the ZOMBIES stand outside the curtain looking nervously up at the sky. The lighting and distant sound of birds suggests it is early morning, dawn.) BELLEZA: That was some busy night! I'm exhausted. LEO: Don't worry, my love. Soon you'll be resting comfortably in the belly of a submarine. In my arms and out of harm's way. Everything's all set. We have a complex pulley system composed of coconut, seaweed rope, a boar carcass--I forget what that's for--all rigged up to make the ship appear to be pulling into the ocean. And Zombies, we have our dummies? ZOMBIE ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR: Yes, Sir! (ZOMBIES drag out several tree trunks to which are attached elaborate tiki masks, coconut bras and grass skirts - - one is very tall, two are very hairy and four appear to be holding human limbs) LEO: (rubbing hands together) Perfect-o. JEFFERY: We should get down into the submarine soon. Just incase they're early. BELLEZA: I agree. I'm nervous standing out here. ZOMBIE ONE: The supplies are already down below in the submarine. We have the radio, a small food supply and a couple survival kits. JEFFERY: Survival kits? ZOMBIE TWO: (shrugging) Things wash up on shore from time to time. ZOMBIE THREE: Hey, what's that? (shading his eyes with his hand and pointing out towards the audience) ZOMBIE FOUR: Hu? ZOMBIE THREE: That there in the ocean, it looks like a small raft with a little sail. ZOMBIE FOUR: Why, yes. I see it. There appears to be a full grown lion paddling its way to the island with its paw LEO: Prince! I knew he'd come back to me. (facing audience and leaning forward, hands on knees) Good boy. You fluffy, mangy little kitty. Come 'ere. Good boy. (ALL CHARACTERS turn towards stage right seeming to watch the small raft (unseen by the audience) and PRINCE the lion pull into shore. Enter PRINCE the lion, stage right. PRINCE gives a terrible roar and lunges at LEO, licking his face. LEO giggles) LEO: Good boy, I knew you would be able to navigate your way back to me. (ZOMBIES look at each other puzzled.) ZOMBIE TWO: (shrugging) Well, to the submarine? (BELLEZA, LEO, JEFFERY and the ZOMBIES ONE and TWO and THREE and FOUR walk off stage into the water. PRINCE paddles along, whimpering. Plywood waves are before the shore and the characters are swimming towards the other side of the stage. Meanwhile, the curtain opens, the set has changed to the inside of a submarine.) ZOMBIE THREE: Couldn't you two have invented wet suits with the submarine? ZOMBIE FOUR: Really, how will we dry our clothes? ZOMBIE ONE: We attempted a wetsuit out of boar hyde. ZOMBIE TWO: Um, we’d rather you not ask about it. ZOMBIE: ONE: Alright.We’re right above the submarine. Time to dive. (ALL CHARACTERS take deep breaths and disappear beneath the 'waves' at once. Enter LEO, BELLEZA, JEFFERY, ZOMBIES, PRINCE, stage left. They look at their surroundings. PRINCE sniffs about before settling down for a nap. We see the submarine is made of wood, bamboo. There are a couple portholes through which we can see fish swimming about. ) BELLEZA: Well, this looks, um... ZOMBIE ONE: Sturdy? ZOMBIE TWO: Brilliant? ZOMBIE ONE: Wait, I've got it! …Cozy. BELLEZA: Er. LEO: If you're looking for sarcasm, I'd go with 'safe' JEFFERY: If you're looking for literal, I'd go with ‘scary.’ LEO: Well, you are a bit of a pansy aren't you? JEFFERY: How dare you! BELLEZA: Oh, stop it! (to zombies) You’re sure it’ll hold? You’ve tested it. ZOMBIE ONE: (crossing arms) Well, it may not be the loveliest looking thing, but it's functional. JEFFERY: (pointing to one wall) Is this a leak? ZOMBIE TWO: (quickly) No. JEFFERY: 'cause it's leaking. ZOMBIE ONE: That's nothing a little boar gut and sand can't fix! (pulling out aconveniently located bucket labeled "Paste") (BELLEZA, LEO, JEFFERY, ZOMBIES THREE and FOUR exchange nervous glances.) JEFFERY: Perhaps the ship was a fine idea after all. ZOMBIE ONE: Well, fine time to change your minds. BELLEZA: (shrugging) Well, I guess if we’re going, we’d better go now. ZOMBIE ONE: Yes! To your posts. (BELLEZA, LEO and JEFFERY look confused) ZOMBIE ONE: Well…I guess only one of us can steer the ship at a time. So, I guess I’ll get to my post. All Aboard! (walks to wheel, presses some buttons. The entire set visibly begins to shut. ALL CHARACTERS cling to something) OFF WE GO! (we hear the sounds of the mechanics of the submarine at work. Eventually, there is jus t a low hum and the shaking stops. JEFFERY, LEO, BELLEZA, ZOMBIES THREE and FOUR breathe sighs of relief and begin talking excitedly at once) ZOMBIE TWO: Sh! (fiddling with radio) We have a signal. RADIO: Goooood morning, Listeners! And welcome back to Betty Bottoms I. Talkalot in the morning on National Public Radio. Today we’re broadcasting from helicopter. I’m looking down at an uncharted island. You may remember hearing about this island in the news a few years ago during the Zombie Epidemic. This is the very same island to which all those infected by the zombie plague had been banished. A recent press release Here’s the remote control for the ship.from the White House revealed this may be hide out for what Miss President is calling “a group of scruffy menacing bearded bandit lawbreakers.” Miss President also has informed us they are a threat to the world as it has become since Jackie took office earlier this year. As we’re all aware, Miss President, is a fabulous woman (and dresser) who by ridding thecountry of menand their beards has stopped war, reversed the effects of global warming and saved a gaggle of endangered species around the world. (JEFFERY, LEO and BELLEZA all roll their eyes) BELLEZA: Oh please. The woman’s nuts. LEO: (looking at wrist watch) The ship is on a timer so it should be pulling out of port as we speak. RADIO: A statement from the president stated “These rebels are athreat to al the progress we’ve made. I am not willing to risk that. My staff has broken a lot of nails in order to help me fulfill my campqaign promises to the ladies of the world! Our only solutionto put a stop to their interference is to bomb this island out of existence.” The bombing will commence momentarily. We see a ship in the harbor that appears to be pulling out this very moment and heading towards Washington. My sources tell me this ship is also targeted to be bombed. LEO: Well, I guess it is a good thing we didn’t take the ship. (Just then, the submarine springs a leak. Curtains close. When the curtains reopen, the set is divided in half. In the spotlight on the lefthand side, we have the submarine. There seems to be a layer of water in the bottom of the submarine up to the characters ankles. ALL CHARACTERS are drenched, and all of them have hands and feet covering leaks that had sprung during their voyage.) JEFFERY: (spread out more than the other characters because of his height and flexibility) Are we there yet? (Spotlight dims on that side of the set and lights come on to otherside. It’s a small boardwalk with a sign that reads “Welcome to Washington D.C.”) ZOMBIE ONE (who had been steering the ship, peers out peep hole): That’s funny. How did we sale straight into Washington D.C.? (Curtains close) |
| SCENE TWO (For a few moments everything Is dark and there is no activity. Then the audience hears the opening of a squeaky door. The spotlight switches on to reveal nothing. Then, very slowly, three men – WILL, JORGE, and LOUIE – walk into the spotlight in front of the closed curtain. They are crouched down and looking around nervously. They all dressed to the nines in women’s clothing. JORGE steps on LOUIE’s foot.) LOUIE: Ah! Ouch! Dang! Watch where you are walking! WILL and JORGE: Shhhhh!!!!! (all men are quiet for a moment, looking around to make sure they are not heard. When the coast is clear they speak again) JORGE: What are you trying to do – get us caught? LOUIE: Well if you watched where your big feet were! JORGE: Oh, give me a break! You try and walk in high heels! LOUIE: I /am/! WILL: (clocks the nearest on the side of the head) Will you both cut it out? We didn’t spend over a day getting ready and planning the perfect time to do this only to have you two boneheads ruin it all. JORGE: Do you really think this is going to work, Whiskered Will? I don’t feel very feminine. WILL: You look beautiful. JORGE: (obviously flattered) That’s beside the point! LOUIE: But was this all really worth it? I think the instant someone sees us they’ll know we’re men. (aside) I actually hope so. WILL: Boys will you stop belly aching? It’ll work! We were able to – surprisingly – fit into the clothes very well. And she had plenty of wigs for us to wear – there is nothing that will identify us to being male… except for your big mouths! Now can it and come on! (WILL pulls aside the curtain and the three men slip through. Right after they are through, the curtains opens to reveal them in what looks like a massive hallway of the white house. At the end – or perhaps the middle – there is a staircase leading up to a top floor that has probably been there the entire show but no one really noticed before due to lighting. The MEN are standing in front of a closed door labeled “basement” which they obviously just came from on stage right. They look scared to death but are the only ones on the set) LOUIE: (loud whisper) Okay, now that we’re out what do we do? WILL: First things first we have to get away from the door so the others can come up. (all three of the MEN shift in unison comically away from the door) JORGE: Are we just going to wait here? LOUIE: Seems like a good idea, no one is here right now JORGE: But they will be! What do we do if someone finds us here? WILL: I don’t know – what would you do in a normal situation? Just be casual! (a few light brassy tones are played on a harmonica, giving the boys their notes. In choreographed manner they walk away from the door to the middle of the room, whistling casually. This is the beginning of the song “Just be casual” that continues and escalates through the scene though is often interrupted by dialogue from various characters) WILL: What alerts you most? To something that is wrong? Someone looking nervous – scared – preoccupied? Or someone… Just being… Casual? (whistles) LOUIE/JORGE: (whistles) Just be casual. WILL: We’ll walk right past them If we just be casual. (whistles) LOUIE/JORGE: (whistles) Just be casual. (a woman walks in from stage left, she was probably in the other scenes but we do no recognize her. She is reading over some papers and almost runs into the MEN who don’t notice her until she speaks) WOMAN: Good afternoon ladies! (the MEN jump and turn around fearfully. They all stammer for a moment, unsure what to do) WILL: (coughing lightly) Why… good afternoon – um… WOMAN: Mallory! Are you new here? You ladies look downright nervous! JORGE: (giving a high pitch and grating giggle) NERVOUS? No, no, no no no – of course not! LOUIE: No, we’re casual! MALLORY: Uh-hu. (looking a little scared herself) You know, it’s okay to be nervous if you’re new here. WILL: Yes, you are right about that. We are very new here. Well, in this exact spot anyway. We’ve been… not… here before. MALLORY: Well where are you headed? I could show you around a little if you would like! LOUIE: No! You know, that’s very kind of you, but I think we should be able to figure it out on our own. MALLORY: Who do you need to see? JORGE: Nobody. WILL: (same time as JORGE) Jackie. LOUIE: (same time as WILL) Your mom. WILL: Um – what we mean is that the reason why we seem so out of place is that our girlfriends, who will be here any second, are the ones that know where to go. They got detained. Thanks for the help though! We’ll… see you later! JORGE: Ta ta Mallory! (MALLORY walks off the stage looking thoroughly confused at her sudden dismissal. The MEN sigh with relief and “Just Be Casual” resumes. Three more men come up from the basement and start whistling with them) WILL/JORGE/LOUIE: That was a close call But now we know our disguise hold We’re just like real women Now we have to act like it And just be… Casual. (whistles) THREE OTHER MEN: (whistles) Just be casual. ALL MEN: (whistles) Just be casual. (There is a brilliantly choreographed dance break here that resembles sneaking and being casual at the same time. The unnamed men remain on the bottom floor while WILL, JORGE, and LOUIE climb the steps to the top floor. Suddenly a woman enters on the top floor in the middle of the dance break. The music cuts suddenly and the men pretend like they weren’t dancing. The woman is immediately suspicious) WOMAN: Hello there – who are you? WILL: Hi! I’m Wilma! Pleasure to meet you! (sticks out his hand roughly) WOMAN: (looking at the three MEN critically and refusing the hand shake) What are you three doing up here? You don’t have passes. (pointing to her own name tag) LOUIE: We’re new, ma’m! We’re just on our way to get those! WOMAN: But you would have gotten them when you came in. JORGE: We came in the back door is all. WOMAN: The backdoor of the white house? WILL: We /are/ special friends of the president. Don’t worry too much about it. WOMAN: So you’re really on your way to see Jackie? WILL: That’s right! WOMAN: But you’re going the wrong way. LOUIE: We… know that! We were just turning around to go the right way. Thanks for your help though! WOMAN: (not quite as gullible as MALLORY, suddenly she gets a disgusted look on her face) Why in the world are your legs so hairy? (all three MEN look down fearfully and then attempt to cover them up in a /very/ feminine manner. WILL thinks fast though and stops the embarrassing display. Instead he sticks out one leg proudly) WILL: Why is yours so smooth? I thought at the very least the women that work the closest with the president would realize how simple things like shaving are legs are so… pointless! Why do we shave them in the first place? Why do we endure the pain? For men! My girlfriends and I have stopped shaving now that Jackie is president. We will no longer change our appearance just because that’s what /men/ like to feel! WOMAN: (awed) You are exactly right! I can’t believe I never realized this before. No woman actually likes to shave her legs – I am never shaving again! You girls are brilliant! Thank you – thank you so much! (WOMAN runs back off stage the way she came. The MEN then instantly go back into their dance break. A whole slew of MEN come up from the basement and join the OTHER MEN on the bottom floor of the set. The pace has sped up and through all the whistles every once in a while a MAN sings “Just be casual!” until the whole stage is a whirlwind of whistles and movements) ALL MEN: (singing final word) Casual! (the MEN then stop their song and all of them casually walk off stage one way or the other as the curtain closes) |
| Scene __ (The curtain opens. We are in the submarine again. LEO stands at center stage, back to the audience. BELLEZA and JEFFERY are on either side of him, indirectly facing the audience. We can't tell yet, but BELLEZA is disguised as a man. JEFFERY is also in drag. They hold completely still. As if someone has hit a pause button. ZOMBIES are standing behind as if stopped in mid-conversation. Music begins to play. The lights abruptly come on.) LEO: (turning his head to face the audience) You ready? (LEO turns full forward and does a little tap dance.) BELLEZA and JEFFERY: (facing LEO revealing their disguises) This isn't gonna work, Leo. LEO: (pinching BELLEZA's cheek) Love, you got nothing to worry about. (looking at Jeffery) I's all a circus, Jeff. A three ring circus. The whole world. All these senseless politics. All show business. Besides, you're working with a star. The biggest! (BELLEZA and JEFFERY roll their eyes) LEO: (singing and dancing) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle Dazzle 'em Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it And the reaction will be passionate Give 'em the old hocus pocus Bead and feather 'em How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? Razzle dazzle 'em And they'll never catch wise! Give 'em the old Rzzle Dazzle! (This is where the music picks up. The zombies turn to face the audience pulling sequined top hats out of nowhere. They dance in perfect unison doing a slow motion modified Can Can) ZOMBIES: (singing) Razzle dazzle 'em Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous JEFFERY: (starry eyed, gaining confidence) Girl after girl will crow vociferous ALL (with enthusiasm): Give 'em the old flim flam flux flummox Fool and fracture 'em LEO: How can they hear the truth above the roooooar? (LION ROARS) Throw 'em a fake and a finagle. They'll never know you're just a bagel (Spotlight. Zombie eating a bagel.) ALL CHARACTERS: Razzle dazzle 'em And you'll get away with it all. Give 'em the old double whammy Daze and dizzy 'em (spinning) Back since the days of old Methuselah Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-luh Give 'em the old three ring circus Stun and stagger 'em When you're in trouble go into your dance (tap dances) Though you are stiffer than a girder They'll let you get away with mur-der Rzzle dazzle 'em And you've got a romance (LEO flutters eyelashes at BELLEZA and tries to take her hand. She slaps him and gracefully twirls away. He twirls to follow her only to be tripped by JEFFERY) JEFFERY: Long as you keep 'em way off balance How can they spot LEO: You've got no talent ALL CHARACTERS: Razzle dazzle 'em And they'll never get wiiiiiiiise! (ALL CHARACTERS flail arms in the air as they hold the final note. Then the song stops abruptly and conversation ensues) BELLEZA: Leo, this is ridiculous. I really don't think this'll work. I mean, our pictures must have been all over the newspapers, on televi-- LEO: Love, they think we've gone kabloom. JEFFERY: (doubtful.) Kabloom? Kabloom, Leo/ LEO: (huffy) Yes, that's what I said. (sighing) Ok, let's go over the plan one more time. The Zombies will dig up the root by digging and traveling through an underground tunnel so they can take the root from below, undetected. Luckily, while on the island they were able to construct some brilliant GPS devices. Belleza will be posing as a bearded man. Her and I will both be prisoners (winking at BELLEZA) and you, you Bozo, will be (trying to suppress a giggle) JEFFERY: (his skirt is fully visible now) Yes, I'll be transporting you prisoners to the basement. LEO: Disguised as a tall blonde woman. Really works with your lipstick. BELLEZA: (wringing hands) Leo, I don't know if this is safe. Just marching up to the white house like this. LEO: Darling, no need to worry. You look very masculine. (BELLEZA clenches her fists and her nostrils flair. LEO tries to hide a frightened face with a nervous smile) BELLEZA: (sighing) Well ... (biting lip) Zombies, are you sure you can get to the root. I mean, are you properly equipped? (The zombies, who had had their backs to the audience now turn and we see they're wearing head lamps, and carrying shovels) ZOMBIE ONE: (clearing throat) Ma'm. They call us ZOMBIE ONE and ZOMBIE TWO: The moles. (ZOMBIES THREE and FOUR nod vigorously) BELLEZA: Uh, right. Okay, so I guess we're all set? (Lights dim. In the darkness we can make out the background for the submarine was a piece of fabric that now falls and is dragged away. The characters get into their places. As the lights come up we see the ZOMBIES seeming to disappear below ground, shoveling as they get lower and lower and finally out of sight. LEO and BELLEZA are in handcuffs, ball and chain, JEFFERY is pulling them along.) BELLEZA: (to LEO) You don't think the ball and chain is a bit much? LEO: These women are ruthless. (Some WOMEN in suits walk by, one of them seems to be reading a newspaper as she's walking and they seem to be in deep discussion regarding one of the articles. They hear LEO's comment and look over to tsk tsk at BELLEZA and LEO as they continue to walk) WOMAN ONE: (to Jeffery) Oh, bless you for catching these vile furry creatures! JEFFRY: (high pitched voice) They won't be furry for long! (JEFFERY, WOMAN ONE and TWO giggle in unison. As they disappear off stage WOMAN TWO frowns and turns to WOMAN ONE) WOMAN TWO: You know, I used to like furry creatures. WOMAN ONE: (looking confused) That tall woman seemed to be wearing an awful lot of makeup. (WOMEN exit stage) LEO: (grinning) See, this disguise is masterful. (LEO, BELLEZA and JEFFERY pass a window at the White House, visibly struggling to look casual. In the window we can see WHISKERED WILL and MEN sneaking by in dresses. They are at the window only for a split second. Only BELLEZA seems to notice. She gasps.) JEFFERY: What is it? BELLEZA: I thought I saw... LEO: Yes, you thought you saw what? BELLEZA; No, it couldn't have been. JEFFERY: Well, what do you think you saw? BELLEZA: Oh, I thought I saw Will, only...well, it was just some woman in this a lovely dress. (LEO and JEFFERY look at her) BELLEZA: Oh my, you don't suppose... (BELLEZA, LEO and JEFFERY lunge at the window like Garfield cats with suction cups.) Curtains close. |
| SCENE FOUR (lights up as there is another “in front of the curtain” scene. The audience sees WILL, LOUIE, and JORGE emerge stage left. They are no longer sneaking, but walking femininely and proudly) JORGE: You know – high heels aren’t half bad. WILL: Jorge – what are you talking about? JORGE: Nothing, it’s just… I don’t know. It’s kind of nice. I feel like I have much better posture. LOUIE: He’s right you know. Though they are crushing my toes something awful. It’s a wonder we even got our feet into these things. WILL: (shrug) Our lady president has large feet, apparently. JORGE: Lucky for us! Unfortunately her color choice is ridiculous. Does everything have to be hot pink? LOUIE: I would have gone for some sort of lavender myself. Or robin egg’s blue… (The MEN exit stage left just as VALERIE enters stage right. She is talking on a cell phone and does not see the MEN’s retreating forms) VALERIE: Hold on Ms. President, I don’t understand. A security breach? What kind of security breach? (she pauses) Are you sure the guards didn’t just miscount? How would the men have gotten out of the basement? We have hundreds of women walking around this House, they wouldn’t be able to go undetected. (another pause) Yes, yes of course I’ll be on the lookout, but maybe they are just hiding and trying to scare us. Besides, what does it really matter if a few get out? I’m not so keen on them being locked up like animals anyway…. (pause) Ms. President? Jackie? Is something going on? (pause) ZOMBIES? How could there be – I’m on my way! (Valerie snaps her cell phone shut and rushes off stage right as the curtains open behind her. It’s the same set up we last saw in the white house, two stories, only the “basement” has been removed from one of the doors, implying that it is a different hallway. In walk LEO, JEFFERY, and BELLEZA, stage right) JEFFERY: (calling over his shoulder in a high pitched voice) Please ladies! That is enough commotion! I can handle this – just stay by the front door so the press can’t get in! (When they are in the middle of the stage, they stop and look around) JEFFERY: (normal voice) You know, this would be a lot easier if I actually knew what I was trying to do now. Or where to go. Or something. I feel like we’re pressing our luck. BELLEZA: Just find Will! We have to get him out of here! He was around here somewhere… LEO: I’m a little afraid that we might have actually passed him. That was a pretty good get up he had on. (VALERIE enters on the top floor, looking like she’s in a hurry to get the Jackie’s office. No one notices her below but she notices them and eaves drops) BELLEZA: He would have recognized us! I mean – come on, I don’t look that different, even when I am pretending to be a man! JEFFERY: Oh whisker lips! That’s because it’s impossible to hide your beauty! LEO: I agree completely my dear. I was about to say that same thing… BELLEZA: Jeffery – that was sweet, and Leo, don’t start a fight! We need to find our way around and then out of this place – quick! VALERIE: (stepping forward and startling them) Aha! This must have to do with the security breach Jackie was talking about! You may have fooled many of us but you aren’t fooling me! (LEO, BELLEZA, and JEFFERY look up at VALERIE, petrified. Just that instant WILL, LOUIE, and JORGE enter, stage left, on the top floor.) WILL: Valerie! Quick boys, we have to get – (notices the CIRCUS FOLK) Barnum and Bailey! Leo! Belleza! Jeffery! What are you doing here?! VALERIE: You know these imposters, Will? WILL: Of course I do! These have been my co-workers for years and years. They managed to escape… but now they are back? Why? Why are you back? BELLEZA: We had to save you, of course! LEO: That and they blew up the island we were on. That hinders our hiding a little. JEFFERY: And we have to find a cure for bozo here. LEO: (aghast) Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black! VALERIE: Oh – stop it you three! I don’t even know how you got in here, but you are going to pay a dire price… WILL: But Valerie! These are my friends. You and I both know that they have done no wrong. LEO: Well, we didn’t until we ran from the law. But the law was stupid anyway. BELLEZA: I love my beard! WILL: Please Valerie, we just want to leave. Then Jackie can go on ruining the world… VALERIE: (hotly) She is not ruining the world! She is doing amazing things! Okay, so maybe she goes overboard… a lot… but that’s just because she’s new at this! I’m teaching her, it’ll be okay… WILL: She has us locked up in a basement! VALERIE: Yeah, well she knows now that you have escaped so it’s too late anyway! No one is getting in or out of this white house – man OR woman! WILL: But… but… you could help us Valerie. Please Valerie – do this for me. You owe, me don’t you think? VALERIE: (looking genuinely sympathetic) Will, you know how much I want to help you and how much I hated hurting you, but I don’t think even this I could help you with. We have serious fugitives on our hands. I’m sorry, but I have to do as I am told. It’s for the good of the world, I promise. JORGE: This is not good. LOUIE: Never trust a woman! BELLEZA: That’s not fair! LEO: Never trust a woman without a beard! (looks over at BELLEZA) You’re wonderful. JEFFERY: Well, if this Valerie person isn’t going to hep us… I suggest we… RUN!!! (LEO, JEFFERY, and BELLEZA take off and go stage left. VALERIE though has already opened her cell phone and sounded the alarm. The three of them aren’t off long before they are brought back on stage by some burly looking woman bouncers. WILL, JORGE and LOUIE look sad and defeated) LOUIE: So much for that. JORGE: I put on these retricting pantyhose for nothing. WILL: Valerie, I thought… I thought maybe you would have remembered something between us. VALERIE: I’ve never forgotten Will, but I have to do what is best. (curtains close) |
| SCENE FIVE (Curtains opens. The set is the oval office, every shade of pink seems to be displayed. The room is empty. WILL, LOUIE and JORGE enter through the door, slamming it behind them.) WILL: Ok, boys, we'll have to hide in here-- (He cuts off abruptly when he turns and sees where he is) LOUIE: Oops. (MS. PRESIDENT walks out of a door on the opposite side of the stage labeled "Ladies Room" She has shaving cream on her face and she's carrying a razor. When she seems them she stops, surprised, opening and closing her mouth. She hides the razor behind her back.) JACKIE: H-hello there! WILL: (high pitched voice) Oh, hellooo! /So/ sorry for barging in like this. We'll go. JORGE: Uh, excuse me, Ms. President, is that shaving cre--OW! (LOUIE elbows him and WILL kicks him in the shin) JACKIE: Oh, no no. This? (she wipes it off with a fingertip) I was just eating a cupcake. (she giggles unconvincingly) Oh gosh,what lovely outfits! JORGE: (blushing) Aw, gee. JACKIE: You look killer ladies. Why, I think I have that same...those same... (VALERIE barges in) VALERIE: Ms President! We have a situa-- What's going on in here? JACKIE: Oh, I'll say we have a situation! Valerie, these women stole my Prada bag, my designer heels and and...(pouty) That skirt I got on sale at Nordstrom's that had to be custom tailored because of my, my VALERIE: Wide shoulders? JACKIE: (gasp) How dare you mention my flaws! What is going on with the world? I would expect more from you ladies. VALERIE: Jackie, that's what I need to tell you, these aren't ladies! LOUIE: Well! (turning on his heel and starts walking out the door) (JORGE begins to follow indignantly, nose in the air. WILL scratches his head and shrugs before turning also) VALERIE: Stop! (WILL, JORGE and LOUIE freeze at the door. It appears that VALERIE is about to talk, but instead, stops and stares out the window. ALL eyes follow her gaze. We see ZOMBIES outside, dirt covered, holding shovels and a long root, and they seem to be arguing with TWO WOMEN who appear to be attempting arrest. It is a comical animated scene in which ZOMBIE ONE tries to bite off WOMAN's finger, ZOMBIE TWO refuses to give up the root, ZOMBIE THREE struggles as he's dragged out of sight and ZOMBIE FOUR runs to save him. Curtain closes.) |
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