Hello,
Very descriptive piece that you do not expect to be birth until the end. Very nicely thought out. I liked this poem.
I was following the rhythm until the last stanza.
There are clouds, there is light, there is such life!
Colours dancing, beauty calling; of joy
I cry; I am born.
I do not profess to know a lot about poetry and this could very well be a type of poetic rhythm. The first line still flows nice and smooth for me. The second line, again just how I feel, trips the rhythm up. Just a thought.
Again I really enjoyed this poem and finding out it was about being born at the end was just a plus. Well done.
Very deep. I especially liked the description of man falling. Extremely thought out, breaking it down that way clearly shows the level of thought the person in the story is going to. A simple thought of falling and grabbing hold, now becomes a level upon level deeper. Well done.
Just a few things for you to mull over.... Line two you want finger TIP...
Line three... wanting to leap out at anything near, though. Then you start a new sentence. Kind of left dangling, feels like an incomplete sentence.
Again, very deep, thought provoking piece. Well done.
I read this piece because of your description of faded photos. I love old photos. A piece of the past snapped, frozen in time. People pass away and no one seems to know who these people are any longer. This was beautifully written and well thought out. I loved it. Nicely done.
This is my favorite line "please remember and tell about me" how I feel when I see old photos.
A very sweet, lovely poem. You can feel the love in this piece. I like how each one ends the same. Pulls it all together except you should decide on either It is my or Is my first stanza you put Is my next two you wrote It is my... personally Is my sounds better.
" Now recorded in our inner souls" I think in this line if you dropped the word NOW it would flow a bit better.
"As sunbeams did dance and shine" this line I would drop the word DID..
"You wore a rosebud in you lapel" this line you want YOUR not YOU.
Again a very well written poem. I really did like it.
Ria
I really enjoyed this piece. Very descriptive and the family doing something together to tighten the bond is so nice to hear in this day in age. You can feel the love for the children, family in this piece. Nicely done.
Only thing I noticed is "Captain Seat" unless you are using it as what is called I would probably go with Captain's Seat instead. Not sure which way you intended it.
First as someone who was adopted I felt so much for this child. I grew up not knowing and later in my twenties found my real parents. Although the meeting of each of them did not go as planned I have an inner peace now. I also realized that although my adoptive parents were not the best of parents I also must admit, as an adult, that there were times I really did not let them in fully. I always held on to my fairy tale of what my real parents were like and made up story in my head of their lives and the reasons behind my being given up. All this was shattered when I actually met them but I am so glad I did. This story really touched me. I suppose since this is a review I should point out a few things but actually nothing I saw, took away from the depth of the story. Just re-read it and I am sure you will catch the few little typos and a few places at the begining where you could tighten it up.
Thank you
Ria
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In a moment of mortal decease... I love that line, very deep. The feeling that there is more after death comes across well written in this short poem. My only suggestion, because it flows along very well, is line five stumbles just a bit as it's too many syllables, maybe changing incandescent to another word or taking out divine would flow better, last line comes off too short for the meter of the poem, maybe just adding to that "she finds that she is NOW free. Again I really enjoyed this deep poem.
Ria Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!
That was very well written. Had me right from the begining. Please tell me this is only part one as I want to know more about the whole situation. Why he took it, what he plans to do with it. Where the fetus came from. Is it truly human or somthing else. Great write.
Ria
I really liked this. I just have one comment, Parag. 4 you write just take God by the hand, that just doesn't seem right. God takes OUR hand, we are not the leaders he is. I wonder if it were changed to something like: Let God take you by the hand?? Just a suggestions. I really did love it though.
Ria
Very cute I liked that alot. I liked the moral also. Making the food locked up was not expected great job on that. Missing a few comma's but no biggie. I was confused on the mouse saying why would a MOUSE pay such expesnse then further down it says humans and people.. Was the house a mouse house he was searching in or a human house. Paragraph three says mouse...Again great little poem.
Ria
Very deep I loved it. "I pondered about how truthfully nature conducts it's affairs" I like that line. Truthfully is so on target. You write very well. Your descriptiveness made me see the watercooler and break room. I must admit it did not end the way I thought it would but whimsical afterthought I really liked. Keep it up I hope to read more from you.
Ria
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