Felt it flowed better as you progressed - and really visualised what you were writing. Those dreams where you feel you aren't going to wake are, are really nighmarish.
You portrayed that so well in your poem.
Loved the last two verses.
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This brought tears to my eyes. It made me reach for the phone to call my mom, ask her how she is, and how she is managing with her broken wrist after falling over her eager-for-food cat. And then reminding her how much I love her.
Your story was full of emotion. Took me right there in that room, watching the two of them together.
Your "weekly trek" interested me. Where are you from?
Lol - what an evil little pixie. Although perhaps fate has dealt her the nasty blow of forever having to lure baddies in With the exception of the vampires. This story reminded me in a way of life in the jungle. Lure your prey in, yet proceed with caution, or the hunter becomes the hunted.
This was so well written, with the story building up as the reader tries to anticipate the next step. The twist was great!
Keep it up!
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Wow ! Talk about a sense of deja-vu. Your story was well written - I enjoyed the way you built it up - starting off as a dream, and then this sense of worry always there at the back of her mind. Until finally, it happens in reality, and in effect, it's the dream that saves her son. So your pacing increased nicely, building up to the climax. Well written, Jaye.
What comes through in this poem, even if it is not exactly rhythmic, is the sincerity in your writing. It seems to me you are trying a little too hard in focussing on getting the words to rhyme, and sometimes the flow is not always quite there.
I have been trying to learn more about rhyme and meter and it definitely helps. Having said that, I have to say you captured your feelings so perfectly when you wrote "I can't wait to hear your voice on the phone".
Keep writing! Always good to have feelings showing through in your writing.
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This was really, really good! You had me on the edge of my seat - waiting in spellbound anticipation. I loved some of the expressions you used "inky, smothering blackness", "nameless crops stand sentinel", and "white-knuckling". You took us right into your dream, and we have all had those dreams, where we are unable to move, or change anything, except go forward into our nightmare. I wonder what happened that caused you to have these dreams. Fast moving pace that increased as we got closer and closer to the moment of impact. Keep writing!
Wow ! That was awesome. I even checked in your portfolio to see if perhaps you were only 15. You wrote that exactly as a fifteen year old would. The right amount of irreverence for adults - or rather, grannies and anyone over thirty:) I really enjoyed how the tempo of the story changed - starting off almost as a cocky young boy would be, and then the more he talks, the more he reveals of himself. Further along in the story we see a little more apprehension as to the whereabouts of his father. Even he doesnt admit it to himself - until possibly the end. It was very intense and in my humble opinion, extremely good. Write on!
This ode to your mother is beautiful, and so inspiring. We all love our mothers - where would we be without them? Yet how seldom do we let them know.
Your seperating each verse by day made me realise that each day passing gives us one dayless with them. I am going to visit my mother tomorrow and I will tell you about your poem and remind her how special she is to me.
Thank you. Your poem reminded me that its important to say it.
Wow - that was intense! Couldnt stop reading it. I don't generally like "fantasy', but this kept me enthralled from beginning to end. I thought for a moment towards the end that Thomas would turn out to be Klaus, but the end was fitting. A logical conclusion, but not expected nonetheless. No wonder you earned top marks. Write on.
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