Dear IGWOOTEN  ,
This story needs some work, but I think you could have a real winner if you trim the adjectives and discard anything that doesn’t need to be mentioned (why, for example, must you reassure us that Penny got a new, attractive nurse, and that the night nurse was kept?). Why mention minor details that don’t resurface, like Ernie’s plan to attend a community college, or his stay at the Children’s Services place?
Plot:
* “His foster parents resented these visits and tried to convince Children’s Services to have them stopped.” Why did they resent the idea of Ernie visiting his aunt? And why are you mentioning it if it was taken care of, and Ernie is allowed to go there? With whom did his foster parents argue?
* “His face fell in his hands and he cried, so loudly and forlornly.” The paragraph that this sentence begins should be deleted. The whole last paragraph. This is because it’s all redundant. Who doesn’t cry forlornly? Stylistically, ending your story at Ernie’s wish to “just have some fun” would have been perfect.
Characters:
The dialogue from Penny was almost comical, because it sounded like an evil genius in a comedy. Try making it less proper, sinister villain though she is.
Style:
* “Ernie Glasgow was considered a genius.” Deleting “considered” would make this sentence more powerful.
* “Three were killed and Penelope was left completely paralyzed.” Take out “completely,” too, to strengthen your sentence.
* “Ernie was whisked away…” The paragraph that begins with this sentence is unnecessary. While I love long sentences, the two that make up this paragraph offer little information and only hint at Ernie’s emotional trauma. I would fix it by tagging it onto the next paragraph: After a month of grieving in the boys’ room of Children’s Services, Ernie was placed in a foster house…” You get the idea.
* “They all three rushed inside to be confronted with (and found) Penelope sitting in the [sidecar/wheelchair] (choose one, not both).”
* “They blinked at the seven-inch square screen that was attached on the top front of the wheelchair in stunned amazement as it typed her words.” Try describing the screen first, then reading the words on it, then their amazement as they all realize she’s paralyzed; maybe a remark by the caregiver would be good: I’ve never heard her speak! (Again, you get the idea.)
* “Two padded objects supported her head, one on each side of her head, attached to a wider padded rod climbing up her back and behind her head.” Head, head, head. Replace the second one with “it,” and for the third, you can call it her “crown.” You could also use the ears as a reference.
* “it was determined that she could see, hear and her brain was unusually active.” This is an issue of congruency. She could see (verb), hear (verb), and her brain was unusually active (independent clause beginning with a noun). You want this: She could see, hear, and think, and her evident brain activity was unusually active for patients like her.
* “The call was made. Mrs. Hodges was replaced with a younger more attentive nurse and the night nurse remained.” This sentence would be better in the next section, where it’s recounting some important details. It’s out of place where it is.
* “Nobody would have thought to look at his calm, smiling, angelic face that he had just killed his aunt.” This is clunky! Try rewording it: To look at his calm, angelic smile, one would never have thought he’d just murdered his aunt.
Mechanics:
* “He left Deans and Professors shaking…” Those aren’t capitalized.
* “Nothing was going to interrupt her favorite afternoon Soap.” That’s not capitalized.
* This sentence needs a few different tweaks, which I‘ll put in parentheses. “Horrified, her mind took a moment to grasp the sight of Ernie (gently placing) his aunt’s limp, (skin-and-bones) body in a shiny black and red (wheelchair) that resembled one of those sidecars seen on the side of a motorcycle.”
* “Ernie, who was a tall boy for thirteen, easily managed the yelling(,) almost hysterical woman out the door.”
* “Hearing the click of the lock(,) the caregiver…”
* “He stepped back and kicked at the door. The door bounced but didn’t give. The second kick swung the door open amid splintering and cracking of the doorjamb” I’ll just rewrite this, as there are redundancies and you’ve forgotten a period: He stepped back and kicked at the door, which bounced but didn’t give; the second attempt swung the door open, splintering and cracking the doorjamb.
* “whispering in the corner while the Doctor finished his examination.” Do not capitalize “doctor” unless someone is addressing him as such: I like you, Doctor. This would be incorrect: I like the doctor. See the difference?
* “One of the officers spoke to the Doctor,” Here it is again!
* “The officer looked from the Doctor to Ernie, whose expression was almost as blank as his Aunt(‘)s.”
* “playing games on his x-box, whining over a loss,” Capitalize X-Box.
* Everyday the mail came in bundles from different high-tech companies that wanted Ernie Glasgow for their own.” Put a space in “every day,” as “everyday” is an adjective. Also, the underlined portion is ugly; try “as their next star inventor.”
* “Always here”. Pointing to his head.” The comma goes inside the quotations (.”), and “pointing” should not be capitalized. Like this: “Always here,” pointing to his head.
Rating:
I gave you 2 stars because of the many unnecessary details, the robotic dialogue, and the use of capitalization. I’d be more than happy to re-read and re-rate once you’ve polished this up a bit--the idea of a boy genius is always captivating! I’d just love to see more of Ernie and less of Penelope, but that’s the point, isn’t it?
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