This is a scary piece! You had me sitting on the edge of my chair.
I recommend that, when you have someone internally speaking, you somehow highlight the thought speech. For instance, you could italicize the thought. Stop being such a baby. She told herself. This will help us identify when she's thinking without having to wait for you to tell us that she's thinking.
One thing that is kind of bothering me. Why did he wait five years? Is there a reason why he waited? Also, I'm not sure your use of "stalk" is accurate in this instance. To me, it's kind of hard to stalk someone who isn't moving.
The story moves well and I didn't see the end coming. I was really surprised by the ending. Good job!
This is a very vivid piece. You use imagery very well. I feel that, sometimes, you don't use quite the right word to describe what you want us to see. For instance, in the second paragraph, second to last sentence, you say "sea of pungent waves". Generally, people use the word "pungent" to refer to a smell.
Usually, I tell people to use semi-colons. Here, however, I must tell you to not use them so much. Semi-colons are used to join to complete sentences. You're using them to join a dependent and independent clause.
In the first paragraph, for instance, "I gazed upwards at the translucent globe that hung limply in the sky; cloaked by the dull clouds and shrouded by the silence of the night." The part that follows the semi-colon cannot stand on its own.
"Cloaked by the dull clouds and shrouded by the silence of the night."
I'm afraid that almost all of your semi-colons should be commas. I recommend reading back through the piece. When you come across a semi-colon, read the sections on either side separately. If one side doesn't make sense without the other then you need to use a comma instead.
This is a very dark piece. Your descriptions are very vivid. I can clearly see the scene you have painted. Good job!
This is a nice poem. It reads and flows fairly well. I think the piece could be laid out a little better. The last stanza doesn't flow as well as the others.
I don't see anything in this piece to warrant the 18+ rating. I'm also not sure why you chose your brief description of "Maybe is a harsh word". I was expecting something else. This description led me to think it was going to be a pessimistic, downtrodden piece. I found the piece to have more of a hopeful lilt.
In the first stanza, you either need a semi-colon after "sweater" or a period and capitalize "maybe". In the third stanza, you don't need the comma after "long". In the last stanza, you might consider adding a comma after "true" and separating the last line. Splitting the line after "knew", perhaps?
I like the images you invoke. The first stanza is my favorite. To me, the piece is wistful. It's rather lovely. Good job!
You are all over the place in this piece. What a whirlwind of emotion!
I don't entirely agree with your logic as it seems to be based on a mood ring (which I believe is based on (external) body temperature-how warm or cool you are to the touch). However, I like the way you run with it.
Your descriptions are excellent and plentiful. I find it interesting how you keep changing your definition. You go from horrifying to plain and monotonous to average to tranquil and elaborate. It's an intriguing roller coaster ride.
Your grammar and mechanics are sound. You might take a second look at the third to last sentence. Green is the life bearing tree that gives the world its breath, the grass that restarts the cycle, the eager-to-be-eaten, delicious vegetables that will keep you healthy, and content. It feels a trifle run on. Also, I'm thinking you don't need/want the last comma. "keep you healthy and content."
I don't think you need the extra space between paragraphs four and five. I feel you are using it as a buffer to mark the transition in your thinking. It isn't needed.
My favorite part was "...wait for it to slap an emotion on me." I don't know if you meant it to be humorous; but, I found it funny. I used to be obsessed with mood jewelry. I understand what you are saying.
Great stream of consciousness. I really like how you turn everything around in the end. Great job!
Sentence structure:
The first sentence for instance. When you join to complete sentence, you do so with a semi-colon rather than a comma. (starry night; I watched) Also in this sentence, I would replace the second comma with the word "and" and change "trying" to "tried".
You also need to watch your tense. Trying versus tried for instance. You keep going back and forth in your tense.
Spelling
In the first paragraph: envolped should be enveloped bodys should be bodies beautfiul should be beautiful
There are other spelling issues that I can point out to you in an e-mail if you need me to.
This is a beautiful scene. Your images allow me to picture it clearly. One more thing. Thunder doesn't cast light. It's just the sound from the lightning. It's the lightning that lights things up and throws shadows.
I noticed, in your portfolio, you have an item that says "Second part to The Fade." You can put a link to the second part at the end of the first part. This way, if people read "The Fade" they'll know it continues regardless of whether or not they go back into your portfolio. If you're unsure of how to put a link in at the end, let me know and I'll be glad to tell you how it's done.
This is a good start. It just needs to be refined and developed a little. Feel free to e-mail me if you have additional questions. Also, if you make changes, I will be glad to take a second look at the piece and re-rate and review it.
This is a great story! I like how the story progresses and grows.
The story starts of a little slow. At first, I wondered a little where it was going to go. Then, the years start to pass and I can see the stairway imagery grow.
My favorite part is the last two sentences. It sums everything up and I'm glad he found what he was looking for. I also hope that the stairway is not just a mirage and that he makes the climb.
You present some good images in this story. However, there are some images that seem to be missing. Mainly, I'm wondering about the girl and the dog. The dog pulls her in every direction. Does this mean the dog is very large or is he just hyper?
I like the interaction between Shimmy and Roscoe. The dialog especially reads true to life.
This is a cute piece. I like the idea and the images that you present.
This is a sad story. I'm glad the light finally came on and you got away. You tell the story well. It must have been hard to put into words all that you went through and felt. You do a great job of describing your thought process. I hope that others can learn from your experience. No one should have to endure domestic violence.
You are going to make me cry!! This is a beautiful and heartbreaking story. It reads very true to life. I can see everything you present.
I saw no errors in the piece. There's so much emotion in the piece. I have a great deal of respect for Carrie. It's a wonderful thing she's doing. So many people choose to forget their loved ones in situations like this. It's a difficult and heart-breaking one.
Oh, dear! How embarrassing. You tell the story very well. I can relate to being a klutz. What a terrible thing to happen, especially to a young woman. You recovered well. You were brave then and brave now to retell the story. The story told reads true to life. I saw no errors or anything amiss with the writing.
This is a sad little piece! The piece flows well and your rhymes are spot on. The picture you paint is clear and vivid. Your descriptions are true to life.
Would it be possible to add a link to the news story? It would be nice to have the facts to compare to the piece. I'd really like to know what went down. These things are kind of hard to wrap your head around. Things like this just shouldn't happen!
In the second to last line in the last stanza "me, but, you see," I think the comma after "me" should be a semicolon.
This piece really makes us think. You tell the story well. Good job!
This is an exciting piece! You brought me right in. It's very intriguing. Your descriptions are very vivid. I wonder, though, why your character is climbing fences. Are we crossing property lines? Just curious.
The second to last paragraph begins with two questions. However, you have them end with periods instead of question marks. "Had I imagined this."
Just an aside, I'm not sure about your genres. "Animal" and "Friendship". It seems like "Nature" would be a better fit. I'm not sure about a third genre. Still, I'm not sure how "Animal" and "Friendship" fit into the equation.
I especially like the last sentence of the piece. It sums everything up nicely. It also perfectly describes winter. It's hard to imagine a snow storm in June; but, you make me believe it. Good job!
I love word searches! They're fun and usually pretty quick. It's nice that you've dedicated this to your chickens.
I wonder, though, how it relates to the word search. Have you listed the names of your current chickens and dedicated the search to the chickens you no longer have? You could give a little more information in your intro.
This is really, really good! Your form is perfect as are your rhymes. There's nothing I would change or dislike. You've touched on something very deep. You've painted a perfect picture of a shopaholic. The piece is rather nonchalant, like your shopper. It's smooth on the outside and hides much of the turbulence of within.
This piece is laced with emotion. I can feel your longing. I like the images that you present.
I think you've gone a little overboard on the punctuation though. Just put commas where you would naturally pause or where grammar dictates. Also, there are several commas that have a space before them. You'll want to watch that.
I'm not entirely sure what you're referring to in the fourth stanza. What question would you ask that could result in a crushing "no"?
I think it's intriguing how you claim to be a "solitary being" and yet you long so forcefully for friends. It's an odd statement; yet, I can relate to what you are saying.
Your descriptions are good-especially "the scorching heat burned". I can see the redness and feel the intense heat.
This is a somewhat silly poem! The poem flows well and your rhymes are spot on. I like how you have her longing for him and, yet, there are other feelings that compete that are intermixed. I think it is interesting how you reiterate two phrases. "I'm pale" and "The blood rushes" It's interesting because, usually, when the blood rushes to your head you blush. You conjure a different image. It fits with the image I have of her. A funny, yet, endearing piece.
This is a great little piece. There's one little thing. Close to the end, in the paragraph that starts with "But, Jim...", the last word of the paragraph got dropped down a line somehow (not word wrap).
This piece is full of suspense. I like the way you describe everything. The story flows very well. Great job!
This a fun little Halloween item. You have a word count at the end of the piece. Was this written for a contest?
The background information is great. I'd be interested to understand why "Rizer" translates into great hunter. That could be developed a trifle more. Also, if "pixie of darkness" is a title that she hopes to win, you might capitalize the title. Otherwise you might add "the" to clarify that she is the "winning pixie".
I like the twist at the end. I didn't see it coming! I believe you could even turn this tale around and retell it from the vampire's point of view. It would be an interesting juxtaposition.
This is a beautiful piece brimming with emotion. It flows very well and the imagery is very vivid. You start dark and dismayed and bring us to the light. You show us we can, and must, move on. I love the iteration of "For I love". I feel it brings the piece to a higher level of feeling. Love overcomes all other feelings. It's very beautiful. Great job!!
This is a great little story. There were a couple of spots with very long sentences that didn't flow quite as well as the rest of the piece. The imagery is fantastic. You've painted a very realistic picture.
But, what happens next!? You've left me dangling at the height of the story. Does it continue on elsewhere? I'd really like to follow the story forward. At least, I want to know if he gets adopted. I'm really pulling for him!!
This is a lovely piece. I see the love in your heart. You express yourself very well. I'm not quite sure what's going on in the title when you present it above the piece. Where the main title says "Love" the title in the piece does not say "Love."
The rhymes are good and the piece flows well. However, I'm not sure why you join half your sentences with semi-colons. It doesn't really add anything to the piece. On the other hand, it doesn't really take anything away either. All in all, it's a sweet love poem. Good job.
This is beautiful and so, so sad. I feel a heavy weight on my heart as I read this. I can really see the feelings you are expressing. I like how you have the piece laid out. The piece is very cyclical. The end ties back to the beginning. You show a glimmer of hope and I get the feeling that it eludes you. Such melancholy. I hope when you awake this is the dream. Good job.
Wow. Talk about intense! You had me sitting on the edge of my seat. This is an amazing piece. The visualizations are fantastic. I feel like I am sitting in the driver's seat. I did not see the end coming. What a horrible nightmare!! I don't think there is one thing I would change. You tell the story very well. Great job!
This is a great piece. I can definitely relate! I have been there before. It can be really tough and I feel your pain!! The rhyming is great and the flow is good. I have a little trouble with the seventh line. When I read it, I keep wanting to stick "a" after "there's". I love the last two lines of the piece! It's funny and all too true. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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