Very Touching. You paint a portrait that enables the reader to feel the emotions behind your words. They can feel the hope you once had and the anguish that resides with you now. The poem depicts subject matter that is easily translated to most likely a majority of people which relatable. My favorite line in the pice was "the bitter tears i shed should cleanse me." It shows a vulnerability to be unable to solve your situation. Very complelling writing. Thanks
I love the line "Never again will life's song be sung by those lips." Great imagery. I like your take on the circumstances surrounding death, the last two stanzas are especially powerful as they are such a hot topic in today's society. Overall great job and thanks for sharing.
This is well done. Every father of a son, should hope they raise their child up well enough to have that much respect for his mother. I know I do. It touches on sentiments that everyone can relate to and the "personalness" (if that's a word) strikes home to any parent.
Terrific sestina, great choice of words to go with your subject. You used then perfectly in the sestina form, and your last stanza using all six was a wonderful way to tie the whole poem together. A sestina is tough to write and I do believe you did a great job with it.....Congratulations
Great take on the power and the meaning of love. I liked this piece alot, it flowed smoothly, it read well, but the pwer of the words were what I liked best. The were chosen very well, this was my favorite stanza:
But love’s most impressive delivery
And its most cherished domain
Is the depth and intensity of feeling
That one human being can share
With another human being...
It is a perfect way to say that in this world there is someone for everyone, and when you find that one, you have found all you will ever need. Thanks for the great read!
Great job with this, I really liked it, your rhymes are good the piece flowed well. It is a theme that i have used in some of my works before. I also like how different lines are questions, it makes the reader feel that the writer is vulnerable, and seeking help or answers. The piece does need a bit of editing. There are some uncapitalized I's, and the word If should be capitalized in the 2nd to last line. Also a few instances where commas or periods should be at the end of the lines. Would love to rate it higher if not for the editting. Polish it up, and this will be a fine piece.
Wow, lot's of emotion coming through in this, you can definitely feel as the reader a sense of not belonging, alienation, and hopelessness. It is rather somber, but also has an air of defiance to it, which makes the reader think their may be more confidence and self ability in this person than she realizes she has. One question I would have is the use of capitalization throughout the piece, is is done for effect or for purpose. At times it was a little distracting. It almost had the feel like the writer was trying to yell these parts like when you send an email and some of the text is in all CAPS.
I really liked this piece and would enjoy reading more of what you have to offer, keep up the good work.
Hi Dragon Goddess, I chose this poem out of the ones you posted for review. It felt so honest, that it really made me enjoy reading it. I have a wife who has similar issues with her mother and god forbid one day something happens, I fear she will live with regret. You poem hit home with me. Your rhymes were pretty good, and it definitely read easy. I read it twice just to get the full feel for it. One thing I noticed in some of your pieces is that the ones that seemed the most personal were the ones that stood apart from the others, maybe this is something you can hone in on, finding pieces that touch a nerve, or spike an emotion, from which you can then convey to the reader. Overall great job, and thank you for the good read.
Hi Gervic, I thought I would check out one of your pieces. I like this one because I believe the emotions you are trying to convey come through very well. It's obvious that at least some of feelings are from a personal nature, and that resonates well with the reader. Two things however stuck out, that caused me to have to reread it a few times. These are just my opinions and I hope they are helpful. The first is in most of the instances where you compare one time to another it feels like it reads better if you add an "a" or an "an....for instance in the first line perhaps write "Every second that turns to a minute", or first line third stanza "every minute that turns to an hour". The other thing that was a bit distracting, was that in some stanzas you chose to rhyme, others you didn't, and then others you used to words that were similar like "phrase/embrace" or "mine/time"........I choose when I write to either rhyme or not, and not mix the two....for me when I read it, it throws off the timing. I do think you have the beginnings of a great piece, it just needs some polish to make it shine......Hope the review helps
This was pretty good, but at times it felt like you were putting unnecessary words into the lines, which interupted the flow. Take the fourth stanza for example...." I have told you of my past, only to seem as it was better."..... this has to many words instead perhaps write it as "I have told you my past, only to act as if better". The one thing that does shine throughis the pain that you are feeling, which seems very real and genuine. It's good to have your feeling show through your work. Hope this helps, remember these are just my opinions.
One of my favorite topics to write about in poetry is nature. I really enjoyed this. My first impression was how well the poem flowed, it almost had a sing song to it. The words flowed freely and the title states it is a Song of Spring. To me Spring is the beginning of hope for the new year, possibilities are endless, life starts anew. You've captured all of that in this piece. I was searching through ports looking for something to read and rate, and i stumbled upon yours. I am glad I did. i would love to read more. thanks for the good read.
I really liked this poem, it sounds almost forceful like your trying to prove a point. Or like your mad at something. The flow worked real well to me except for one line "A court jester's cheap tools". I read it a few times and I still got sort of jumbled each time. I think for me it was saying the word's jester's and cheap back to back, maybe another word for cheap but I can't think of any that are just one syllable to keep the syllable count right. I do think that entire stanza is probably the best. When I was saying that you sounded forceful or mad, that was the stanza that caught me the most. Like you were calling some one out. What was the inspiration for this piece?
I'm not a nit picker for grammar and punctuatuon especially if it doesn't stand out and in this piece I could not find any errors. I gave it a rating of four. Ususally when I rate things it really has to stand out to get a 5 or 4.5, to me a 4 is for a very solid piece, and i believe that is what you have here.
This is my review for your piece, "I've Stopped Believing In America".........please understand that these are solely my opinons
My first impression when I read this, is this obvious sense of despair, and hopelessness. It seemed like a lost cause that kept going like a broken record. In fact upon my first read I was disturbed that the sense of despair ran this deep.
I waited an hour, ate dinner, came back and reread it. I still was struck by the sadness. But upon reading it again this second time, the overwhelming sense I had was a Change. Whether it be a fear of it, or resistant adaptation to it.
OVERALL:
It was a good read, it hooked me enough in the beginning to keep reading. It was written well and there were no grammatical errors that stood out. I liked the detail you put into it, and the situations you put the reader in were very true situations.
America has always changed from generation to generation. My grandfathers America, was different from my father's America, which in turn is different from mine. This is fact, and requires each individual to determine whether they can adapt to the change or not. Most do. For good or bad there is always change. Now I fully agree with you that some change going on these days, maybe even most, is not good. Some in fact is mind boggling and disturbing.
But dear writer, one thing that ties every generation together, going back to the founding of America, is that we never give up Hope that America is the greatest country in the world. We never stop believing in America. We do have the right to scream for change, but we never give up hope for that change to happen. For if we do give up on believing, then we lose all chance of America returning back to the way we individually yearn for it to be.
Thanks for stating your opinion, it is the foundation of what makes this country great. Every drop of bled shed in its defense allows you to voice your opinion.
First let me comment you on a very nice piece of writing.
FIRST IMPRESSION:
I did not know what to expect by the title. To be honest the first paragraph may be one of the most disturbing things I have ever read. With that said it provided the hook that got me to read the entire piece twice.
WHAT I LIKED:
You are very good at describing details. During the entire piece, I could easily visualize what you were describing, and picture each scene.
I also liked your use of conflict and irony. Here is a man who is virtually invisible to society, who searches for what others discard in order to make a living. However upon finding the fetus, he virtually feels like the entire world is watching him. He went from not caring what anyone thought (by how he lived his life), to all the sudden feeling like he would be judged by whomever he told of his discovery. Then again (by the way he lived) was a man who probably didn't have any basic relationships to fall back on, but suddenly was torn apart by what to do with the fetus, he was now emotionally bonded to.
Then to top it off, he took the time to drink a beer as he pondered his discovery.........priceless
PUNCTUATION/GRAMMER:
I'm not not a big fan of microscoping someone's work, for missing commas, periods, and semicolons. You missed one spot where there should have been a comma. So be it.
MY MAIN CRITERIA:
Is it readable, and would I want to read something else you have written................Absolutely
First let me just say Wow! That was very deep, and to me it screamed for desperation. I hope when it was written, you were not in a place that low, and if you were writing this help lift you from it. It is very good, I liked it alot. I would be interested in seeing some other stuff you wrote, perhaps I will look in on you when I get a chance.
Thanks for the great piece of writing
Rider
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