*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/troubadour/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
882 Public Reviews Given
2,600 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your visuals are strikingly clear for a measured, 10-line poem. The mirrored cinquain form is perfect.

I have only one suggestion and that is to eliminate the period from the end of each stanza. As you do not capitalize the beginnings of each one, the end-of-stanza space creates the same impression of closing.

Write on, always,
alfred
127
127
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! The Random Read Tool is pulling up some excellent gems today.

This is a great poem, Joy and its complexity is helped by your prefacing words. I did not know this particular history of an aborted assassination attempt on Lincoln. The personal link you write into this poem is lovely and there is a certain personal mystery in your final staza that I like a lot.

Write on, always!
alfred
128
128
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely in its simplicity. A modern tale filled with a beautiful message.

Write on, always!
alfred
129
129
Review of Winters Glow  
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is quite a lot of potential for perfection in this sonnet. It is a diffucult form to master completely.

Technically, you have mastered the external form of the sonnet. The iambic pentameter and rhyme scheme are good. The line "Yes, winters white is followed by its ice" actually has six feet even within its ten syllables.  

Pirouette/yet and hangs/fangs are excellent creative rhymes. Yield/field is good also, but I have a reservation about the use of yield in the context of the entire stanza.

You have a problem with possessives needing an apostrophe. You have four repetitions of "winters" where you must write "winter's" and a fifth in the static item's title. You've one wont instead of won't. Wont (accustomed to) will be not caught by a spellchecker when you mean won't nor will winters in place of winter's. You absolutely must do a certain amount of proofing yourself. You write well, but will be taken less seriously if your text is not correctly presented.

Repetition in poetry is something I always try to avoid. For me, poetry is the art of using words to their best advantage, and that means choosing them for their sound as well as to create a variety of meanings with the use of synonyms.

Concretely, you use a form of dance three times in the opening stanza and once in the closing couplet. There are also three uses of ice, though through your unnecessary abbreviation of icicles, technically there are only two. And while this abbreviation is not needed, except maybe to find a creative way to avoid using another repetition of the article "the," I would keep 'cicles for its different sound because of the proximity of your ice/price rhyme.

Finally, I count six uses of the word winter, five in the text with a noticed absence in the second stanza, and one in the title. Eliminating repetitions of a particular word in a closed form such as a sonnet is difficult: one must retain the rhythm of the original word or paraphrase around it to retain the meter. WINter might become SEAson or COLD month. FRIgid will work too. Have you ever used WDC's ideanary function? "While some cannot escape from winter's fangs" might easily become "While some cannot escape these frigid fangs." And changing "Yes, winters white is followed by its ice" into "Our season's white is followed by its ice" thus reduces the use of winter's to a single occurance in this stanza.

In the line "... Some cannot escape..." I wonder who you refer to using the word "some."

In the first stanza, queued -- as in standing in line?  -- seems wrong. The direct subject for this verb is winds, not the snowflakes of the original line. Thus the word, even highly original in its choice, seems inappropriately employed here.  

In the second -- and most original -- stanza, I have the impression that "yield" was chosen on purpose for the rhyme. The idea of waiting is acceptable in this context, but your following line contradicts this idea: in spite of the inclement weather, we go outdoors.

Earlier I mentioned your sonnet's external attributes. Now I arrive at my criticism that you lack the traditional Volta which should occur in the beginning of the third stanza. The Volta is the "on the other hand" part of a sonnet, and, I fully agree, difficult to manage because we poets rend to forget that at a very specific moment a sonnet should make a commentary of some sort on the situation it is describing. Your line "We understand that beauty has a price" does this exactly, only it arrives too late in the poem.

Consider the strong Volta created by the following:
          We understand that beauty has its price
          For some cannot escape these frigid fangs
          The winter's white is followed by its ice
          Like chilly glistening teeth, icicles hang

And lastly, if you were to accept this "correction" the last stanza would read better thus, for it avoids the second metaphor introduced by "like."
         As snow does fall we dance to winter's song,
          A song we hope won't last for very long.

Opening and closing the poem with "dance" is a great poetic device, but only if you are able to avoid the dance repetitions in the first stanza. There are ways... I won't do all the work for you!

These ideas are my own, but I hope that because I have been able to justify my criticism, it will not fall upon deaf ears.

It was a pleasure reading a poet who undersands iambic pentameter.
WRITE ON!
alfred
130
130
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Congratulations on being featured in NorthernWrites' most recent poetry newsletter.

I've nothing to say about this poem except that it is excellent. I love the imagery, the tenderness between mother and child and the very discreet reminder why eggshells are needed.

Keep up the creative work,
alfred
131
131
Review of Trick or Tweet  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Found this featured by the WDC link on FaceBook. You've done an excellent job. The pace is fast, the text believable. You'e taken Big Brother exactly where it will go left untended, and not even used that phrase

My only critic would be that you wrap up the book much too quickly with too much information in Chapter 7.

An excellent read.

Keep up the creative work,
alfred
132
132
for entry "Wrinkles" 
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Here's another number to add to your statistics.

The one thing I've always enjoyed in your poetry is it's freshness and sponteneity. This collection is no exception to that, Joy.

alfred
133
133
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent. It takes a lot of talent to maintain the story line throughout a 22-stanza poem. This is something I have never been capable of accomplishing.

Linguistically, Gein, like Stein, comes from the German and should normally be pronounced INE, so I'm left wanting with your in/INE rhymes. I admit not knowing the traditional pronunciation of this man's name. Also Anglo Saxons are great for trying to change the pronunciation so as not to be recognized as part of one or another ethnic group, but in that case I would have changed the spelling of my name. I grew up swearing to everyone on earth the John Wilkes Boothe spelled his name with a final E to thwart the nasty comments associated with supposedly being the descendant of the Lincoln's assassin. And I admit, I've studied too many foreign languages and cringe when words are improperly pronounced.

Poetically, since you've penned a wonderful aab ccb form, I would have paid more attention to the harmony of line lengths. There is one important error in your use of the word "crèche." It is a word from the French originally only meaning a reproduction of the Nativity Scene and by extension today a word used to describe a day nursery. I know of no other meanings in English. There are no more usages in French. That your poem's scene takes place in the graveyard is not enough for me personally to be able to work in the word "crèche" which has nothing to do with death, even with the adjective unholy preceding it.

Always a pleasure to read your writing,
alfred
134
134
Rated: E | (3.5)
Found this in today's Short Story Newsletter. It was a smooth read and I enjoyed your jump into the future.

At the end, from "What? Was she THAT ‘Cathy’? You mean your grandmother, the woman I married the next year?" I believe that you really need to set up earlier in the story that you're telling it to a particular person. Maybe by including a bit of dialogue betwenn the two of you so the reader fully undersands the setting of why this story is being told. It's not merely a memoire for the public as it reads until this moment.

Keep writing,
alfred
135
135
Review of A Truer December  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I happened upon this poem using the Random Read Tool.

The sentiment in your poem is lovely. I see you've very recently revised it after its creation four years ago. In my humble opinion, it could be better. Let me explain.

I am accustomed to more organization in your poems. I find that your rhyming scheme is not logical. The A rhyme joins the first and second stanzas nicely, although neither follow the same pattern. AbAcA followed by dAEAE. The third and fourth stanzas have their own separate schemes, and the combination of these stanzas does not use rhyme efficiently to make a musical pattern for the reader's pleasure.

You have also three five line stanzas, one, two and four, the third stanza being a four line one. This too, unbalances the poem's structure.

Keep writing.
alfred
136
136
Review of Migraine  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I have tried for years to capture migraine discomfort on the page. You do so successfully with very few words.

You have interesting twists in your vocabulary which may be intentional to further describe the migraine. I'm not sure about reversing the word order in "words / from pages disappear." That's what we want to read, words disappear from pages. But in this context, I'd write "words / ON pages disappear."

Not sure I like the adjective "infested" in "dark infested room." The room does indeed become infested with the migraine, but the darkness is mandatory for those of us suffering from ocular discomfort in those cases.

I LOVE the idea of "slather mentholatum." Never tried it and will do so the next time. I use essential oils on my temples and the mentholatum obviously does the same thing.

Ending with the simple line "sleep" is a bit optimistic. It rarely occurs without a long fight for relaxation. Unless you've got powerful pills, and then you've left out a necessary stanza from this poem! If you want to keep a single line, write something like "Pray for sleep..." Or, if you don't want the religious overtones of that word, "hope for sleep."

Gets a solid 4 in my book, but you don't ask for rates.

Nice to see some of your work. The random read feature has been turning up your former newsletters this morning!

alfred
137
137
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I'm playing around with the Random Read Tool this morning.

I was surprised to find free verse here. I love the idea of this poem. Many lines are great with their brevity, others could be improved with a more percussive word.

"Careers had." Had is a passive word. "Came and went." "Happened." Something more expressive is needed.

"Cancer for her
Death for her."
I've never been fond of immediate repetition in poetry. I would suggest you eliminate somehow the second "for her." "Death followed." "Death had its way."

"Months pass". "Weeks pass". Pass is yet another one of this insidious words that we use when being lazy. Change the first, because in its context doing so would be easier. "Months became seasons."

"Dating starts." Starts is weak. "Dating ignites new sparks."

I hope my suggestions point you in a new direction for editing this poem.

It's always a pleasure to read your writing.
alfred
138
138
Review of Failure  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found your poem in today's Spiritual Newsletter.

For me, the lines read like an outline of a larger work, written in a poetic style. The most stunning is "All things change, a stuttering, faltering descent into stillness" reads like true poetry. I want more of this kind of prose in your poem. But on a philosophical note, I would have to disagree with you. If you write "many things change" you leave room for the good things that can happen through change. Or even "all things change, NOW a stuttering, faltering descent into stillness" would pave the way to hope. Especially in a poem called "Failure" where it might be interesting to leave a glimmer of hope for the reader.

I personally find it hard to relate with the abstraction of your words. Ambition, goals, reflection. Ambition is clear with something like "I was on the road to fame and fortune." Goals might equal "courting publishing houses with samples of film ideas." Reflection is already fairly well summed up by the ending couplet.

You use many gerunds, which to me are outline words. I agree, because I cross them out of my own poetry daily, that they are hard to avoid when a poet does not know how to, or does not want to, become specific in his writing.

To offer a few concrete examples, one could look more closely the first line. What would happen if you put it in the first person, writing "In the beginning, I had ambition and its forward movement from a plan." Writing in the first person does not immediately mean that the reader will assume you're speaking from experience. If you aren't comfortable with this, placing it in the third person will personalize your words just as well: In the beginning, she had ambition..."

Then the line "Illness falls" has some particular meaning because I can relate it to a story that you are telling me, and not wonder "where did that come from?" And it is not at all clear to me how illness can fall. "Illness topples over life." This would be OK since your poem is titled "Failure." It is clear. "Illness falls" reads too much like an outline title of what you might continue to explain to the reader. "Illness falls into my life like a comet causing an earthquake; I was unready, unwilling to share my plan with its arrival." Now, of course, these are my words, but they fill out the questions readers may ask about your two words "illness falls."

I would suggest turning this into a larger, less general piece, and removing the outline format.

Keep up the creative writing,
alfred
139
139
Review of Crystal Rain  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations for your win in Joy's contest.

This is a lovely poem. The story is subtly expressed without undue emotion.

I don't follow, however, the second line "Blind sails forth to the precipice." Thus the 4.5 rating. I continue to ask myself "blind what sails forth?" And find no clues in the stanza.

Keep up the creative writing.
alfred
140
140
Review of The Long Way Back  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found this excellent free verse using the Random Read Tool.
I would recommend it to everyone who has the opportunity of reading this review and the time to click on the link.

I do not normally read poetry aloud the first time around. I did with this. I found myself living the poem as I discovered it. A rare occurrence for me.

It doesn't always flow easily on the tongue, the most notable example is:
as a proud a man
as any I ever knew,

One A too many. It read more easily the second time.

I love poetry that rants well. This is excellent. Yes, the second time I've used that qualifier.
You write as if you've lived out this situation. It is real. Is is sincere. It is angry. AND the reader follows you everywhere you take him and agrees thoroughly with your monologue. Your logical unfolding of this event is well thought out, well presented and has absolutely no holes in the time line.

Your use of language is almost perfect. Only the opening "the unspeakable oppressions / repressions" seems too cute and is in discord with the rest of the poem. The rest resounds with the exact tone it needs.

Thank you for sharing your talent through this poem. I can't understand why it has not yet been rated, posted first in January of this year.

Keep up the excellent work. Yes, the third time for this qualifier.
alfred
141
141
Review of Wonder  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this in today's Author's Newsletter. Congratulations for being selected.

You've done an excellent job with the prompt, writing a mono-rhyme acrostic poem. The form is absolutely perfect and your chosen rhymes are interesting. You use words well and their richness adds to the overall impression of your poem. Only one line needs a bit more filling out: "Enchanted flowers, butterflies." "Attracting butterflies, food for butterflies..." Something else to join the two ideas in this line.

Keep up the creative writing,
alfred
142
142
Review of Growing apart  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this in today's Poetry Newsletter. Congratulations for being one of this week's chosen poets.

I like many parts of this poem. The image "hurts like a dart" is very original and refreshing. Remorse in love poems in a favorite subject of mine.

The mono-rhyme form is a tough one to use, and you do so perfectly. Your "thin" and "dart" rhymes are very original; it's too bad you took the "easy way out" and repeated one of the rhymes. If repeating the E-rhyme could not have been avoided, it would have been better to use four new words ending in EE, thus showing the advised reader that you are capable of even more creativity selecting your rhyme words. And in that second E stanza, you use "you" properly and then switch to "thee" when you need the proper rhyme. I don't like to use the work lazy with a writer I do not know, but many times we simply cannot write what comes first from our thoughts: the poem's structure needs another solution and we have to find it ourselves.

It is always a good idea to write as you speak: I know of no one who will say "For no reason have i from thee" when they really mean "I have no reason from you."

I personally never fear using a rhyme dictionary. I do not own a paper version, on line rhyme dictionaries are very useful. Thus you might want to try and rephrase that second E stanza with "I wonder if the fault was mine/// Something unsightly that didn't shine..." I'll let you see if can't rephrase the last two lines using the INE rhyme. I think it can be done, but you might have to sacrifice words already penned, and slightly rearrange ideas in your head.

In the fifth stanza, I would not mix conjugations between the future and the conditional tenses. The future tense will work very well for the entire stanza.

The ideas I express here in this review reflect my honest opinions of the weaknesses of this poem as it currently reads. I am always available to re-read and re-rate a poem if the author understands and accepts my criticism, finding sense enough in my opinions to undergo a re-write of their work.

Keep the creativity flowing,
alfred
143
143
Review of Northwoods Summer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely, airy, almost a monologue of Puck from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

It is always a pleasure to read your poetry.
Congratulations on being selected in NorthernWrites' latest Poetry Newsletter.

alfred
144
144
Rated: E | (4.0)
The words of your text are lovely. You've done a good job of imitating Whitman's style. There could be a bit more unity in the line lengths, however.

In my humble opinion, the ML coloring adds nothing to the beauty of this poem. A good text needs no artifice to entice the reader.

Keep up the creative work,
alfred
145
145
Review of Dark Passion  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Synonyms. Words with similar meanings. Where are the poets who do not fear using synonyms?

Poetically, it's maybe an interesting exercise to use the same word twice in guise of rhyming couplets, but this exercise would not inspire me personally for I firmly believe that a poet's job is to use the dictionary and a thesaurus to enrich his own vocabulary if not that of his readers. Closing each line of each couplet with the same word already adds an awful lot of repetition to the poem because of its form. Thus I would refrain from using one of your repeated end-words four more times in the poem. Passion, passion, passion, passion, passion, passion. It's even used in your title.

The opening couplet essentially says twice the same thing. You repeat almost the entire line the second time to finish your couplet. There are other repeating ideas within this poem, phrased with identical words, which some may say give it a certain harmony. I say merely that it's too bad that the writer/poet didn't explore other phrases to express the same ideas.

Keep writing,
alfred
146
146
Review of Facing His Fears  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Almost perfect. Technically it is a perfect acrostic, although it's a shame you took the easy way out with Shameful // And // Wondering. You have an excellent vocabulary and a rich style, so why the quick word here?

The rest of the poem well depicts the subject of your acrostic. I particularly like "Oracles of time // Whisper // Nothing to him." That's really incredibly strong.

I'm glad the Random Read Tool landed me in your port today.

Keep the creativity flowing,
alfred
147
147
Review of A Meaningly Sound  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The first stanza is excellent. Gave me the impetus to read to the end in this poem that happened upon my screen using the Random Read Tool.

The information in this poem is lovely, tender and nostalgic.

The idea of re-using a pair of lines is a good poetic device, but in my humble opinion, the repetition is not placed in the proper position within the poem. Although the best solution would be to rewrite the last two stanzas, opening the final one with "It happened slowly // like the lethargic circles..." would book-end the poem with the same lines and create a harmony for it that is not yet apparent in your text. There would be an added advantage in this because the image in "scavenging gulls" is a violent one and would better match the "your storm as already caught me" that closes the poem. The "I had a dream stanza" has only this one strong image which you do not successfully tie into the rest of the words.

Keep up the creativity,
alfred
148
148
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this. The Random Read Tool has turned up some interesting items today.

The "each cookie has magic" stanza is breathtaking. And unfortunately overshadows the rest of the poem which in comparison seems more ordinary. And although I liked the beginning of the poem, this unbalance seems untimely. It's almost like this exquisite stanza is part of another poem and a strange computer happening placed it in the middle of this one.

Up until then I read a poem about a woman trying to do what's expected of her, and your refrain stanza only reinforces this idea. I don't get that feeling at all in this wonderfully image-packed fifth stanza.

I love the opening of the poem also. But should you not have written "A simple woman with A one-syllable name"? The line "a posh corner on the cul-de-sac of life" is a phrase I may just have to flarff one day.

It's always a pleasure to happen upon one of your treasure chest poems.

Keep up the creativity,
alfred
149
149
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm playing with the Random Read Feature today. Thus I discovered this very personal poem.

I like the imagery, although the combination of image and abstract words might be tamed a bit further to include more images. I particularly like the strong image in the first stanza: "your presence, stars, splayed light upon a sculpture / shaped by hands and molded tenderly from birth to kiln." This is truly striking. I like the layout of the poem, the five-line stanzas each followed by a couplet.

But this first couplet could be trimmed a bit:
         "I become attuned to stunning truths, rare and raw within,
         mammal and inherent inside my very center."
Within, inherent inside and very center are redundant. I would eliminate completely "within" and use instead "mammal and inherent at my very core." Core being more poetic than center. The two adjectives mammal and inherent could be better expressed. They are rather vague. Of course that alters your line lengths which may be important to you in this particular poem. But that would also give you the opportunity to expand on the content of these lines.

Only one line reads crookedly: "for sudden on the air your scent is evening inescapable." It seems that "evening" is not at its proper place and I would turn "sudden" into an adverb. "for suddenly on the even air your scent is inescapable."

Keep up the creative writing
alfred
150
150
Review of All I have  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Firstly, I came across this using the Random Read feature.

Your "loving nature" acrostic is perfectly executed. Visually the poem is lovely to look at with its line length progression going longer and then shorter. Unfortunately, I feel that several places you chose words simply to fill up the line to the needed length. A striking example is the incorrect line "A person of whom was never unwanted", which I will deal with later.

As a reader, however, I do not easily find the tie between the secret message of the acostic, the idea conveyed in the title of "All I have" and the body of the poem which speaks about seeing what truly exists. I am certain that in your mind the three co-exist perfectly, but what you have placed on the page does not bring the three elements together, yet. Possibly with a bit of editing you can correct this, or at least leave hints that point the reader in the direction of your initial thoughts while composing this poem.

In short poetry, and indeed even within my longer pieces, I try to avoid using the same words twice in a row. Your poem does this regularly - look at the number of times see and its forms, eyes, behold and wanted are used. Is this bad? Not necessarily if the poem is a contemporary speech style story poem. This is not the case of your verse here. Why avoid repeating words? As a writer, and especially a writer of poetry, synonyms are what it's about. Finding yet another word to express, just a tad differently, the same ideas already penned, greatly improves the quality of the ideas set upon paper.

One grammatical error is glaring:" A person of whom was never unwanted." A person WHO was never unwanted. And I'm sorry to insist, but this line does not connect well with the preceding one. Once again, the idea in your head is certainly clear concerning what you meant here; this does not come across through your words. There is also a problem getting to and from the line "undoubtedly the truth I seek" which needs a phrase to complete it, as "IS renewed inside of my heart." But here, for you line length, you have eliminated the only word which will make sense of this particular line, the verb.

Also in your line "Versions of life that passes by" since there is no immediate reference to either versions or life, I would read the phrase as Versions (which ones? those of life) PASS by. This is the more correct way to write this idea. Now, had you been previously talking about the waking and dreaming states of life, there would be a case for writing the idea "these different versions of a that life passes by" but this is not what you have placed on the page. And shortening this particular idea to fit into the line-length puzzle of your poem is difficult.

It's nice to see poets with ideas. In my humble opinion, you've tried to place too many limits - an acrostic that gives the poem a hidden meaning as well as a line-length visual effect — upon a poem whose ideas need more space on the page to be properly communicated with the reader.

Keep writing,
alfred
296 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 12 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/troubadour/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6