I like this! Sounds like the beginnings of a good story.
I hesitate to suggest any change because I like it so much but perhaps you could lengthen it?
It's so short, not even 300 words, I am left feeling it's not quite a short story but wants to be. Anyways this is just my suggestion feel free to take it or toss it. Keep up the great work! :)
This sounds like the beginning of a good story. Brooklyn's emotions come across clearly. I have a few suggestions feel free to take them or toss them.
I would suggest you break this into paragraphs to show more distinct thought patterns and subject breaks.
I would revise your sentences on assumptions as they are fragments. They can be easily combined into one. Ex:
In the end, it's the assumptions that made everything so difficult; the assumption that everything would last forever, that He would be there always, the assumption that there was a We in the future.
I have a suggestion feel free to take it or toss it as you will. The rhyme scheme in each stanza changes and interrupts the flow. I would recommend you pick a unifying scheme and stick with it. The first two stanza's follow a,b,c,b then the third stanza moves to a,b,a,a then again the fourth stanza is different a,a,b,c.
Like I said this is a wonderful poem, the rhyme scheme just needs to be sorted. Hope this helps and good luck!
I love the description and idea of this poem! I've often wondered what type of animal I would be :)
I have a few suggestions, you are free to take them or toss them as you will.
First I would suggest you break this poem into stanza's. You have very clear separation of subjects here so it is easily done.
Secondly I would encourage you to use a few more adjectives!
I'll show you an example of both:
Have you ever wondered why you feel so very fierce?
Sprouting large teeth and claws in anger, (you are describing a fierce animal, throw in some adjectives!)
Flicking your sturdy tail in annoyance?
Or are you more of a calm beast?
Grazing contentedly with your large muzzle,
Chuckling happily in a peaceful cry. (Chuckling and cry are opposites I would suggest a different word)
Do you dive more than you walk?
Wafting your fins under the waves,
Giggling, chirping and singing with glee? (Adding another descriptive word here helps the flow)
Or are you happy with who you are?
You don't need fins, claws or even a beak:
To be exactly what you are;
In short, nothing more than a monkey! (try to lengthen this stanza a tiny bit to match the rest of the poem)
Again these are only suggestions. Hope this was helpful! :)
I think you have a good train of thought here it's just hard to rate or review since it's so short. I would be interested in hearing more of this thought line if you expanded on it. I would suggest you make it a bit more personal, perhaps include some specific instances or events that correlate with your reasoning. Good luck! :)
I love the complexity of dreams and all the unknown mysteries of it. I really like your poem and the way it expresses the mysteries of dreams!
I have a few suggestions, feel free to take them or toss them as you will!
Some of your poem is punctuated and the rest is left unattended I would recommend you go through and finish adding that :)
I would also suggest you don't use parenthesis they really break up the flow. You can rework the same statements into the poem.
Another big suggestion I have is to break this poem into stanza's. Stanza's help with flow and train of thought in longer poems and makes it easier to take in.
I'll show you an example of my suggestions:
Drifting, floating, are you in control?
The events of your dream are about to unfold.
See those people? Have you ever met?
The circumstances get more mysterious yet.
Better, do they exist? A figment of your imagination?
Or are they out there somewhere? New York perhaps?
Maybe you do know them; you know them quite well,
But are they in this with you? It's impossible to tell.
They may be there with you in the sleeping hours of the night,
But only you will remember the occurrence come the dawns golden light.
Maybe you won't remember this, maybe they will.
They'll tell you all kinds of things; they'll give you your fill.
You may be amused at the randomness of it all
But really, be honest, you wish to break through that wall.
The wall between this world and the inner realms of your mind.
You wish to unravel the complexity.
But wait what if it’s not that? Sorry for causing all this perplexity.
It's not possible to know of course, it can't ever be known
That a whole other universe exists, one all of your own?
You may, for all you know, live a whole other life.
That may or may not exist, but is all this really worth the strife?
Call me crazy, call me insane,
But can you really blame me, for being the opposite of mundane?
I have you now, like putty in my hands.
What if it’s true, this galaxy of dreamlands?
And since you'll never know, you'll just keep pondering
Thinking about it, and wondering...
(I would add another line here, something more final that sums up the question. ex: Is it real or is not?)
Thanks for writing! Again these are all just suggestions. Hope this helps :)
I really like your poem, it's rich with betrayal and loss.
I have a few suggestions and you can take them or toss them as you will :)
Your poem has some really good visuals and I think the flow would improve greatly if you removed a few non-essential words.
Line 1 of the first stanza I would remove "time
Line 4 of the first stanza you could remove "the"
the first stanza would look like this:
We had sunlight in the night,
Now I see full moon at dawn.
We had the fun of a life time,
Now all joy is gone.
Line 2 of the second stanza you could remove "You"
Line 3 might I suggest a different verb? instead of "guided" you could use guarded, protecting your heart in essence.
stanza 2
You didn't tell me I was just an appetizer;
Should have told me I wasn't the real meal.
Maybe I'd have guarded my heart harder,
Maybe I wouldn't be standing on this bridge.
stanza three you refer to "her" I'm going to assume you mean your lover.
The river below me looks so calm,
As peaceful as my lover's face when she sleeps.
Love would be the thief that stole my heart,
But I'd be the assassin to take my life!
This isn't poetry,
It's the last thing I wrote before I jumped, (we know you are jumping in a river don't need to repeat)
the last thing I wrote before hell...
Again these are all suggestions! Hope this helps and good luck! :)
This is such a wonderful and heart wrenching poem! It's a great tribute to departed loved ones. I really, really like your poem.
There are some grammatical and punctuation errors. Some things I noticed:
really i know *I* (several of your I's need to be capitalized)
but your presence *,* now
now thats here to stay *that's*
"That warmth of your hug i wish i could feel,
the feel of that loving touch helping me heal." ( I would suggest you remove the second feel replacing it with and)
*That warmth of your hug I wish I could feel,
and that loving touch helping me heal.*
The final wave good bye*,*
it made me smile but now makes me cry.
bu ti will not lie. *but I will not lie*
it was jst fate *just*
see you later is the best words ** "see you later" *are* the best words**
Thank you for sharing this poem and the best of luck to you!
This is a sweet poem, it sounds like you really cared for this girl. I really appreciate the title and the sentiment you placed in this. Words really never do seem to do love justice, but we can always try! :)
The imagery is really good and I understand the feeling you are trying to evoke. I especially like the last line: Music invades the soul; a most welcome intruder. I think that's my favorite line out of the whole piece!
The problem I noticed mainly was punctuation. A missing colon here a comma there. Over all I really like this. I think this would also be presented better in paragraph form, the flow would be seen more clearly. Good luck!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 12:05am on May 03, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
