Hello zarkianmouse! This review is on behalf of your very generous donation to "Invalid Item" , I have raided your port, and fell in love with your poem:
She's Gone (ASR) a poem about a broken man, told by one who loved him but he didn't know #1971436 by zarkianmouse
Technicalities
You write quite well. I think with a little proper punctuation and structure, it will make your item even more grand. Not only does it appeal to your reader, it will also come across as more professional......well, that's my opinion anyway , and you don't have to make any changes. It's your write and you should do whatever you think is right with it..... I just want to give you and example of what I'm talking about.
He came to me,
tears falling down.
I could see,
but made no sound.
His arms rested,
at his side.
He'd been tested -
true and tried.
I knew it then,
what went on.
It was her sin,
he lost his song.
She tore it out,
his broken heart.
She went about,
he couldn't start.
I held his hand,
in my own.
"Please understand,
I should've known."
Suggestions
Only the above. This is a wonderfully written poem. I think what I loved the best was the ending, "I held his hand, in my own. Please understand, I should've known". Outstanding! A very sweet, yet bittersweet broken heart love story. Great job with incorporating raw emotion, and for keeping your reader entertained! Way to go! Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful,heartfelt piece with us.....and again, thank you for supporting "Invalid Item" ! I hope you participate and enter the contest!
I ran across your profile and chose to review your write,
Snowflake (E) A poem for her. I believe she will understand. #1967729 by David Allen
first because of the the title, then secondly because of the description. I'm so glad I did. What a beautiful contrast between the snowflake and the woman you love. It's truly inspiring and absolutely beautiful!! I could feel the warmth you have for her, and the could visualize the snowflake melting within their love; outstanding! It's not only beautiful, but so very well-written. Your rhyme scheme and meter were both spot on! The rhymes seemed natural, never forced, and the structure of the write was also wonderful. Very well penned indeed. This special someone is a lucky gal!
Suggestions:I do have one small suggestion, and that would be to write more! You are extremely talented and two items in your portfolio seems like a loss to all of us .
I loved Snowflake so very much! Thank you for sharing a piece of your with all of us!
Hello David Allen! I must confess that I stalked your profile and was completely delighted to see that you actually posted an item ! Yay! I told you that you would get the hang of things around here!
first because of the the title, then secondly because of the description. I fell in love with Endless. I know that you usually don't write poetry [thank you for doing so for me ], and you're a novelist instead, but boy oh boy....you must be pleased with your first attempt to write poetry! This poem is simply amazing. The emotion and love you convey in your write is Endless. I love the title as well. When we find our true soul-mates, our options are endless. Wow - you truly blew me away! The contrast between your love for her, along with your trials is outstanding; bravo! Your write was capable of entertaining your audience, and keeping their interest throughout the entire write. It was very well written [penned], and had a sadness to it, that was conveyed to the reader....along with your endless love for her. Great job at showing your emotions, and allowing the reader to catch a glimpse of the pain as well....very touching indeed!
Technicalities - Wonderful
Suggestions - None. It's absolutely perfect!
I truly enjoyed this beautiful, heart-felt piece of art. The Poet in you is thriving! Thanks so much for sharing .
first because of the the title, then secondly because of the description. Being a spouse of a Service-member, I not only relate to military items, but the emotion conveyed within the writes, for I've experienced most of them. You did an exceptional job conveying to your reader the true life emotions and depiction that our wonderful retired Service men and women have experienced. As I read it, it was as if I were reading a short story! Outstanding!!! What a difficult task to do. This exceptional piece definitely entertains your audience, and keeps their interest throughout the write (and then later, their heart). I truly fell in love with it .
Technicalities: It was very well written [penned], and although in poetry form; was a story in itself. Yay! Great job at showing your readers emotion, and allowing the reader to catch a glimpse of the life of our elderly Veterans! Kudos...very touching indeed! I did not notice ONE error; excellent!
SuggestionsHonestly, the only suggestion that I may have would be to add punctuation where needed (oh, and I'm adding an A to the first line for meter purposes only). For example (using the 1st stanza only):
"He sits alone on a sunlit porch,
because he walks no more.
With wrinkled face and twisted joints,
his body tired and sore."
Other than that very small suggestion; outstanding job!!
I truly enjoyed it very much! Thanks so much for sharing .
My very warmest best,
S.L. Stiles
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My dear sweet daughter.....I am so proud of you! This is a beautiful, creative write honey...I'm so happy you finally found the nerve to get your work out there. At just 16, you have amazing talent, and I know the best is yet to come!
I didn't see any errors and the poem flowed beautifully. What I loved the most was the raw emotion you invoked and the sincerity of ink freedom. Just amazing.
Keep penning on! I will read, review and rate. And as always, I will help you every step of the way sweetie.
Hello ~ Santa Sisco ~, I'm returning the very kind gesture of popping into my port for some reviews. Thank you for reading some of my work and reviewing it. Your comments were truly uplifting, and so very encouraging (I truly appreciate that ).
first because of the the title, then secondly because of the description.....and I am so glad I did! I can relate to this write for many reasons. For one, my husband has served in the Military for over 30 years, and was injured during Operation Iraqi Freedom, and it almost took his life. He was severely injured and is now 100% disabled, and the only thing that has gotten us through all of it is God and His son. I could have easily been this woman in your write, but my the grace of God, I'm not.
Your poem is not only very touching, but a perfect depiction of what so many family members have had to deal with over the course of time....and the contrast between the poppy and pain was exceptional! BRAVO!
I truly enjoyed reading your work, and look forward to more of your very talented writes! Thanks so much for sharing .
Hello GroovyStella, I'm returning the very kind gesture of popping into my port for some reviews. Thank you for reading some of my work and reviewing it. Your comments were truly uplifting, and so very encouraging (I truly appreciate that ).
I chose your write,
STATIC
Lonesome Pain (E) Going through internal pain and having to be around family during the holidays #1964466 by GroovyStella
first because of the the title, then secondly because of the description. I've been there. Suffering in pain, and have had to put on this facade of happiness, in order to spare the feelings of my loved ones. What a difficult task to do. Your write was capable of entertaining your audience, and keeping their interest throughout the write. It was very well written [penned], and had a sadness to it, that was conveyed to the reader. Great job at showing your emotions, and allowing the reader to catch a glimpse of the pain as well....very touching indeed!
I truly enjoyed it very much! Thanks so much for sharing .
Good morning , I wanted to return the favor this morning, after receiving an array of wonderful reviews from you when I woke up today! What a wonderful way to start ones morning.....I was pleasantly surprised, that after reading your bioblock AND this particular write, that you, like me, are a Christian. I could relate wonderfully to The Roman Road, and the visual it gave the reader was exceptional! The meter was great....the form was superb and it flowed ever so beautiful. It was truly a pleasure reading your work today, honoring our wonderful Lord and Savior. Such a touching, beautiful piece....I will remember it always! Thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope we can read each others work again. I know I received so much inspiration this morning after reading your reviews. Thanks again!
Wow! Not at all what I expected....I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but this clearly wasn't it! I am very impressed. Your form is excellent. Your rhythm/rhyme is superb! If reviewing from a grammatical aspect; that too, was exceptional. I truly enjoyed this introspective write. You are very talented and it was an honor to read a glimpse of your heart and life-experiences. Thank you for your service to this GREAT nation! 5-stars from me Doc! My warmest best, S. L. Stiles
Hello fellow Author! I am very happy to read your work and review it. I honestly enjoyed the write, and its simplicity. Sometimes you read work that doesn't draw in the reader and keep them entertained....and often times does one have to resort to a dictionary to understand the meaning of certain words which are never used in today's vocabulary or terminology (well....unless you're a Rocket Scientist!). Your poem was amazing. I loved every single line. The only suggestion I may have (and it's a very slight suggestion) would be to maybe use a particular poetry form for your work (it would flow even better and be very easy on the eyes as well :)). Other than that, GREAT job! Thank you for sharing your talent with all of us! Warmest regards, S. L. Stiles
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/authorsls
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.33 seconds at 2:36am on Apr 20, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
, and you don't have to make any changes. It's your write and you should do whatever you think is right with it..... I just want to give you and example of what I'm talking about. 
S.L. Stiles
Suggestions:I do have one small suggestion, and that would be to write more! You are extremely talented and two items in your portfolio seems like a loss to all of us 
! Yay! I told you that you would get the hang of things around here! 
], and you're a novelist instead, but boy oh boy....you must be pleased with your first attempt to write poetry! This poem is simply amazing. The emotion and love you convey in your write is Endless. I love the title as well. When we find our true soul-mates, our options are endless. Wow - you truly blew me away! The contrast between your love for her, along with your trials is outstanding; bravo! Your write was capable of entertaining your audience, and keeping their interest throughout the entire write. It was very well written [penned], and had a sadness to it, that was conveyed to the reader....along with your endless love for her. Great job at showing your emotions, and allowing the reader to catch a glimpse of the pain as well....very touching indeed!
Review in affiliation with "
