You captivated the reader from the beginning to the end. The first line was like being strapped into a roller coaster and shot out of the station. The journey through the piece slowed at points but immediately picked up speed.
My favorite part:
The entire piece was wonderful, but the first part caught me- took my breath away:
4 am comes at the strangest of times.
That void between the land of the living and a darkened world
God himself reaches for the snooze button
My prayers reach the ears of a sleeping Divine
And tickle the dreams of My Slumbering Lord.
Even at midnight I see the reality of time itself approaching
4 am walks with a swagger unseen
And a confidence earned only through years of practice
other thoughts:
As I already mentioned- your imagery is breathtaking. Play with it in your future pieces- mold it into what you want it to be. It will be your strong point in your writing. (your secret weapon )
when writing future pieces you might consider:
Playing around with stanza formatting- using various spacings between stanzas or verses. Also play around with some other forms of poetry.
-Excellent piece- keep writing!!! (welcome to WDC!!)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUBMISSION-- this is a prejudging review- this is NOT part of the judgment. You are free to change any part of your submission until the deadline March 25th 2008
Was this submission true to the prompt?
This submission was very true to the prompt. The poem flowed through the entire death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Was there a strong plot?
There was definitely a strong plot throughout the poem.
Was there a proper development of characters?
The development of the theme of the death and resurrection moves smoothly.
Are the characters realistic?
The characters are realistic. They are strong throughout the poem.
Do the characters flow well with the story?
Yes, the characters flow well in the poem.
Was there good imagery used?
The word pictures used evoke powerful images. I especially liked the line 'a vengeful wind whips up the sands...A cry echoes across the lands" (I could almost hear the sound of the cry-- a haunting cry-- another part which stood out was "who fiendishly controls the crowd. Demands the final funeral shroud" this again brought vivid images to mind.
Was the conclusion strong?
Oh how magnificent the ending was!! "It's rolled away! It's rolled away!"...what a triumphant ending.
Suggestions:
None which I can see
Thank you for submitting to this contest! Wishing you all the best for the judging!!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUBMISSION-- this is a prejudging review- this is NOT part of the judgment. You are free to change any part of your submission until the deadline March 25th 2008
Was this submission true to the prompt?
Yes this prompt was very true to the prompt. It not only gave us a great background but also brought in the actual events.
Was there a strong plot?
The plot came through loud and clear.
Was there a proper development of characters?
The development of the character of the narrator might need to be a little stronger. More 'showing' rather than telling.
Are the characters realistic?
Yes the characters are realistic.
Do the characters flow well with the story?
The characters flow well with the story. As said before, it might be nice to have more 'showing' rather than 'telling.'
Was there good imagery used?
Again, the imagery can improve with more 'showing' rather than 'telling.' This is an excellent story which can be developed into a strong piece.
Was the conclusion strong?
The conclusion was complete and strong.
Suggestions:
The only suggestion would be to make the story more active then passive. Make it more of a story rather than a narrative.
Thank you for submitting to this contest! Wishing you all the best for the judging!! If you could please put your word count at the bottom of the submission, thank you.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUBMISSION- this is a prejudging review- this is NOT part of the judgment. You are free to change any part of your submission until the deadline March 25th 2008
Was this submission true to the prompt?
The poem was very true to the prompt. It followed along the trail of the days preceding the crucifixion. It was done in a creative way which made it most wonderful to read.
Was there a strong plot?
The theme is very strong throughout piece. The reader is well aware by the ending of the poem what the message is.
Was there a proper development of characters?
In a sense there was a strong development of character. By the final stanza it was clear the humble way in which Christ went to the cross. He was willing to give up His will to do what was needed and expected.
Are the characters realistic?
The entire piece is very realistic. It evokes emotions. It touches the heart.
Do the characters flow well with the story?
The poem flowed well.
Was there good imagery used?
Words were used which created pictures in my mind. Although not the normal type of imagery, it was very poignant. Phrases such as "Stay the kiss" and "leaving crowns to children's play" were well placed and hit the mark.
Was the conclusion strong?
The conclusion was very strong. It ended with an impact.
Suggestions:
The only suggestion I would give is it appeared there should be a spacing in between the line- "Leaving crowns to children’s play." and
"Let hands remain unwashed for now,"-- it felt like the former line should be the ending to one stanza and the latter line the beginning of another one.
Thank you for submitting to this contest! Wishing you all the best for the judging!!
You took me along with you on the walk. You didn't only bring pleasure with your words- you educated me on the desert and the things in your neighborhood. I finished the short piece feeling as though I could take something away with me from it!!
You handled this subject masterfully. You also stayed true to the Pi-form. How you managed to juggle these two difficult tasks is truly amazing.
You were right to say that this a very difficult and touchy subject. You present the facts so clearly- you lay out the emotions so effortlessly. I have no choice but to be sickened by this and to want to rise up to do something. I think, in that reaction, you have succeeded!
For a first attempt- I would have to stand and applaud.
BRAVO
you have a nice rhythm and a wonderful rhyming scheme. I also like the formatting of the poem. You have not lost out on the theme or the subject matter in sticking to a nice rhyming scheme- so all in all a wonderful effort!!
A suggetion:
could I suggest an added formatting change:
A few words,
A sentence or two,
A little something
From me to you.
It's not as easy
As it might seem
If on it rests
My self-esteem.
Perhaps a story,
A tale from my home,
A letter to a friend,
Or this silly little poem,
An essay of truth,
Or a moving lyric,
Perhaps a quote,
Prayer of a cleric,
Anything that might
Resemble me
And gain from you
Some empathy.
Positive points:
Your poem touched me to my deepest core and caused me to cry. I think when a poem can touch the reader's emotions- it has accomplished a great thing!
overall:
Your flow, rhythm and rhyme were all skillfully mastered. You handled a difficult subject with great poise.
You write about this with a realistic style-- if you haven't gone through this experience yourself, you are to be commended on being able to put yourself in the shoes of this woman. If you have gone through this experience, then you should be lauded at being able to be so transparent- and my heart would go out to you for your loss.
overall:
You summed up love in all those examples. I was truly amazed how you were able to capture the very essence of what love is all about with just a few lines.
My favorite part:
morning tea together on the verandah of a villa surrounded by greenery-- I loved the imagery in this line.
other thoughts:
the first time you felt love as you sat together on a park-bench, his hand over your shoulder-- wonder if this line could be separated. If not separated, maybe it could be tightened.
overall:
For such a short piece, you are able to say quite a bit. You use every line well. Your descriptions didn't just tell me what was happening but they showed me. I began to feel parched just reading the piece.
My favorite part:
I actually thought that two parts of the piece stood out. The first paragraph was very powerful. It caught my attention and pulled me into the story. Also, the end of the third paragraph and the fourth paragraph were strong.
Your piece is like a beautiful symphony to my eyes.
Positive points:
You use your imagery well, mixing it with some awesome color. Your word choices are careful and yet they appear so spontaneous- corresponding with the flow of the music.
overall:
The entire poem is like sweet molasses. It flows smoothly. Even the third verse which has the repitition of the word 'high high high'- flows well.
My favorite part:
Although I loved the entire piece, my favorite part was the second stanza. It was one that warranted being read several times-- I loved the feel of the words coming off my lips- and the images that were conjured in my head.
when editting you can consider these:
the only thing that I saw that might need a bit of touch up is in the final stanza-- it says --and he says "Look how the shine for you"
should that read and he says "Look how they shine for you" or maybe is that a phrase I'm not familiar with? Just a thought.
Positive points:
You started out with a very ordinary everyday event- and yet were able to transform it into something extremely exciting! You kept my interest throughout the conversation and the following of the woman- I was not sure what you were going to do. I feared the worse. Your ending was very good! Excellent in fact- it was very unexpected.
The story did more than just entertain; it educated.
overall:
Written with ease. It was written with an even flow throughout the piece. No drastic errors. There was a definite pattern that was followed and everything made perfect sense- there were no loose ends!
My favorite part:
I would have to say that my favorite part was when the lady recognizes him. Not that it was a 'happy' part- but it immediately caused everything that had happened before to make sense.
-Write on!
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overall:
other thoughts:
) 
when writing future pieces you might consider: 
Was this submission true to the prompt?
Was there a strong plot?
Was there a proper development of characters?
Are the characters realistic?
Was there good imagery used? 
Was the conclusion strong?
Suggestions:
