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Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Emailman
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Ashes of the Night

Chapter: 1

Referencing:

I hate this section...lol...I never know what to say.
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Style/Voice:
Great start to the story. You begin with a good hook to draw your reader into the story, that's essentual in the first chapter. There's enough info to keep the reader interested. It's a little short for a whole chapter maybe. I would possibly consider expanding on the action scene to make it even more spectacular.
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Setting:
You start the chapter with family background. I know we are all different, but me personally, I like to set each new scene first with a couple of one liners, nothing too fancy. Once the reader has a picture in their head then any action that happens in that scene will feel more realistic. Try to use all the senses, not just sight...eg...I remember it was the end of the year and Christmas was about a week away. I huddled close to the large open fireplace, sheltering from the chilly winter breeze(It's Christmas!...cold!). The orange glow from the fire made the inside of the dreary cabin more homely, safe and welcoming.(This gets the reader closer to your character by letting them know what's going on in his head.) Can you see that by just two simple lines there is a clear image of the surrounding scene. Bam! as easy as that...lol...
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Characters:
I didn't realise your character was a boy until near the end of the chapter. Maybe think about introducing your character in full at the beginning. It would also be nice to know how he feels about what is going on around him without actually 'telling' the reader. I have used a good example of how to do this in the 'Settings' section, but it would be nice to see some real emotions, especially in the scary bit. Maybe use some inner thought here and there. I would put small thoughts in italic so the reader knows they are thought. Not too much though.
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Grammar:
I found a few minor mistakes, nothing major. Grammer has never been my strong point. I tried to tighten some sentances. I used examples where I could. I noticed a few repeated adverbs, you should correct this. Please find my main comments below
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Plot:
Great! Straight in with the plot. This little five year old is about to face something real bad. Us as readers don't need to be told this, it comes through loud and clear in the writing. No complaints in this section, so it's all good :)
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JMPO:
When I review I make loads of comment. That's just me. It's nothing personel, I do it to everyone...lol...The reason I do this is so I can offer you as much help as I possibly can. Please, never use this as an indication to your writing skills, that is not my intent. My reviews take a bit of getting used to. I must also add, I'm certainly no expert. I could be wrong about stuff. Don't take everything I say as gospil. Use anything you like, and laugh at the stuff you hate.

Oh yeah, and bear in mind I'm English, not American, so some of the stuff I say might sound a little weird to you...lol...Anyone who tells you I'm a raving loony is lying...*Bigsmile*...possibly...lol...I hope you find some of my rantings a help to you.

RED Possible Grammer Errors
BLUE Suggestions
GREEN Words to remove or correct.
PURPLE The dreaded Adverb!
UNDERLINE Any repeated words

Line-by-line

I was five when it happened. I remember it was the end of the year and Christmas was about a week away.

My family isn’t exactly(I'll highlight any adverbs I find just to make you aware of how many you're using. Use the ones you think work well, but try to use as least as possible.) what you could call normal;(Maybe consider using a period here. Publishers like to keep the grammer as simple as possible.) I am half witch, half human. It’s sort of a given that all witches usually have daughters, not that it’s a rule(Comma?) but it has always been that way. It actually turns out that all witches would be women, Not Me, I guess I’m just breaking all the rules. I wonder if it runs in the family. Mom and Dad broke the rules too. It’s against the rules(If possible, try to avoid repeating the same word, especially in the same paragraph. A simple re-wording normally puts this right.) for any human to know that supernatural beings exist. When they got married, she lied and said that she didn’t and never intend to tell him that she was a witch. But, he had actually(repeated adverb.) known before they even met. I hadn’t known this at the time(Comma?) but dad(If you are using 'dad' like as a title, I think it should be capitalised. It's only small case if used like this, 'my dad'.) used to be a vampire hunter. He had given it up when I was born to keep me safe. It’s very, very dangerous to be a vampire hunter. If you’re caught without (wearing...?) a mask on they will hunt you down and kill you and you’re family. (This is a long paragraph. Maybe split it into two?)

Wow, my family sure can break the rules.

My mom had red hair and green eyes, I know odd(This comes over as telling. This won't sit well with the reader. Try to show this rather than tell...eg...I cast my mind to my mother picturing her red hair and green eyes...? Something on those lines.). My dad had short blond hair and brown muddy looking eyes, still odd. My hair was black but my eyes were such a dark blue that they were almost gray;(Same thing here. Never 'tell' the reader, try to show instead.) using this little advantage, I could get just about any thing I wanted.

They were starting to act weird(Comma?) but it wasn’t till Christmas Eve that they scared me. We were all huddled on the couch. My mom held me so tight I didn’t think a werewolf could loosen her grip. It was two hours past my bed time, which normally my mom would freak out about. Not tonight.

It was a dark cloudy night(Period)(The...?) the only sound came from the fire in the fire place. At about eleven thirty, there was('Was' is a word you should be careful with. It can trigger passive voice and make a sentance sound past tense.)(A sound drifted in from the front porch...?) a sound coming from the front porch. A small creaking sound like you would here(hear) when someone stepped on a loose board. So, there was something wrong with this(Period.)(Whoever...?)(By shortening sentances during action, it helps build tension. Good tip!)(Example using next sentace...The intruder must have froze. A defening silence hung in the air...?); whoever was out there was trying hard to be quiet because when they heard the noise they stopped moving completely. I had a bad felling(feeling) about this('Feeling' is a word to be avoided. Publishers see it as a really bad telling word.)(A cold shiver ran down my spine...?)(This says the same thing, but shows the reader rather than tell them.).

(New Paragraph)My parents had stopped breathing so I knew they had heard it too, but, now they were listening(I noticed my parents breathing had grown shallow. Both heads were cocked in the direction of the noise. They heard it too...?). I saw dad(Dad) loosening some boards on the porch the other day when mom and I were playing in the sand box. Dad had been to busy with the boards(This avoids one repeated word.) to come (and...?) play. When I look back on it(Looking back...?)(Less words gives your writing a better 'flow'), he probably loosened (it on purpose, as a warning...?those boards so they would have some kind of warning. Now I know, they were actually expecting visitors that night, though I don’t think they were welcome here.

After they gave me a big hug, mom brought me to the farthest corner from the door(Period)(She...?) and told me to stay very still and very quiet.

After dad(Dad) turned out all the lights(Comma?) in the house(Redundant. The reader knows this.) he knelt beside (Mom)mom. He had his arms around us both(Comma?) but (he fixed his gaze on me...?) he was looking at me.

“Ash you have you’re mothers gift that’s why they are going to do this. You are one of a kind and they think just because you aren’t a girl that you will be stronger than any witch. Son, they fear you as a threat. Promise me you will never trust any of these people.”

“I promise.” My voice cracked and I could feel(Bad telling word.)(sense...?) the tears coming. I refused to cry in front of my father.


"The innocence of children is what makes them stand out as a shining example to the rest of Mankind." -- Kurt Chambers


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2
2
Review of Choices  
Review by Emailman
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Let me just start by saying I'm no expert when it comes to poems. I'm practically a poem virgin...lol...This is good though. I love the way you've set it up with the one side and then the other. Poems always seem to have a sad tale to tell, but I guess that's what makes them so real.

Keep writing...*Smile*...You clearly have a great talent for it.

Kurt.
3
3
Review of From me to you  
Review by Emailman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: From me to you

Chapter: Poem


RED Possible Grammer Errors
BLUE Suggestions
GREEN For repeated words and words to remove or correct.
PURPLE The dreaded Adverb!


Please remember anything I say is just a suggestion, nothing more, nothing less. It is always hard to criticise a piece of work, knowing just how much effort has gone in to creating it, but this is what makes us better writers.
Applaud the things you like - laugh at the things you hate!

You know the score!

(Warning...Check my spelling - I'm English...grin)

I have some very helpful links in my portfolio that, in my opinion, are well worth a read for any author wanting to get published...

 Helpful advice for writers  (E)
A few links to some helpful sites I have used over time
#1109010 by Emailman


Line by line....

(Please take into consideration I am from England, so if I suggest something that sounds a bit weird to you, feel free to poke your tongue out and make fun of me.)


Now, before I start this review, let me just say that poems aren't my thing. I normally review novels where a totally different set of rules apply...Please take this into consideration when reading this review...I will try to give suggestions and my reasons for them, but please do not take them as an indication of how good or bad you are at writing...they are mearly suggestions and nothing else. I say this because some people can become upset and this really isn't my intention.


I saw him standing there,
with his whole body shaking from the snow.
he looked so happy to see me at my place,
(suggest)(I could see his warmth and radiance glow...?)
seemed('seemed' is a weak word that is best avoided if possible.) like warm air began to glow on his face.(This statement could be seen as a 'technical issue' by a publisher...eg...Does air actually glow? Excluding the northern lights that is. To see a more detailed explination to 'tech. issues' have a look at the links above in 'helpful advice for writers')

It was dreadfully cold but he didnt care, (Though dreadfully cold, he didn't care...?)(This gives a better 'flow' to the sentance)
(No storm would stop my man from being there...?)
I knew no matter how cold or hot,(When writing novels I was taught to avoid repeating the same words in the same paragraphs. This rule may not apply to poems, but I made an alternitive suggestion anyway) he would be there.
I saw a tear (drop...?)fall from his (stunning blue...green...whatever color...?)eyes,
iI wasn't ready for this (pleasant surprise...?), I tell you I will not lie.

He got(knelt...?) downon(to...?)one hand and (one...?)knee,(remove green)
(then...?)smiled and said "please beautiful(suggest removing to keep the 'flow') marry me"
A stream of joyful tears dropped from(flowed over...?)(sounds less 'harsh' my cheeks,
(I had prayed for these words for so many weeks...?)(this sound more dramatic I think)
I have waited to hear this for months , for weeks.

I jumped up and down and of course screamed yes!(screamed, "Yes!")(I would use speech marks here.)
heHe got up (rose...?)and smile (and basked in success...?)for he knew his idea was a success.
He told me he loved me(remove extra space here) , and I knew(I believed...?) he always would,
he would(repeat)(and...?) do anything for me that he possibly could.

I loved that (love this...?)(repeat)man with all my heart,
knowing not even the biggest storm(nothing...?) could tear our love apart.
He charished me,(remove comma) and treated me the best,
our love conquered every problem, every test.

So now as I sit here(comma) my darling(comma) looking down in your eyes,
iI know you'll find someone who will never say goodbye.

For you are my beautiful grandbaby and worth a million smiles,
you'll find a man who loves you, willing to run that extra mile.
I have found my happiness and my book has(is...?) now been complete,
now(for...?) you(comma) my child(comma) are the new driver in loves passenger seat!



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Keep smiling
****Kurt****
4
4
Review by Emailman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: The Knight of the Silver Lance II

Chapter: One (part One) - part two to follow

Round: One

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Personal Opinion:

I have made as many suggestions as I could cram in. Applaud the things you like - and laugh at the stuff you hate!




RED Possible Grammer Errors
BLUE Suggestions
GREEN For anything else ie... repeated words etc.
PURPLE The dreaded Adverb!


Please remember anything I say is just a suggestion, nothing more, nothing less. It is always hard to criticise a piece of work, knowing just how much effort has gone in to creating it, but this is what makes us better writers.



You know the score!


Line by line...



NINE YEARS LATER
Chapter Two
Deathly Disease

IT WAS THE PLAGUE AGAIN,(Full Stop.) (I find myself wondering, why is this in caps? This takes my mind away from your story.) that (A...?)dreadful, deadly thing, which struck (force, sweeping throughout...?) England with a strong hand (comma?)nine years later from our last scene. (suggest removing - narrators voice weakens the sentance in my view.) The fearsome disease that meant (caused certain...?) death to (many...?) thousands (of people...?) had again come to England, bringing with it a paralyzing fear and a killing force.(This is a repeat of the opening sentance : Try - and sent a wave of paralyzing fear across the land...?)

No one wanted to believe that (suggest removing) it had really come. Yet when (suggest removing) they found (This is a bit vague and is repeated throughout the paragraph - who found?) the streets lined with the dead, when they saw the well-known black carriage picking its’ way through the streets, and when even they themselves were seized with it, (passive voice) they were forced to realize its realness.
(Suggestion - Nobody wanted to believe the Black Death had reached the shores, but the bodies began to line the coblestones and the familular black carriage picked it's way through the streets, forcing folk to realize the seriousness of their situation...?)

The plague had undoubtedly reached England for the second time. Its cold, icy hand had again come to grip to crush thousands in only a short time. (This whole sentance is a repeat of the above statement and doesn't tell the reader anymore than they already know) The dark, solemn (suggest removing) black carriages that brought the dead to their graves frequented nearly every street.(passive voice) Sometimes even the serious-countenanced drivers would fall off their seats, struck dead from the disease: ( ; )for such was the nature of the plague. It would come and sweep away any man without one warning sign.(passive voice) As a result, work of all types came to a halt,(too vague - remember if you are writing non-fiction, publishers will expect you to have done massive amounts of research on that particular subject - If this does not show in your writing they will reject you!) and the hunger of the sick had no food. Their relations, either sick or already dead, could not help. Burning thirst and sickening hunger enveloped every throat that caught the dreadful disease. Those that did not die but had still caught the plague often ended up in a sad state of insanity.(passive voice) , their despair and disease causing their over-worked mind to snap.(This sounds awkward and doesn't explain why they were overworked)

The spreading disease did not spare rich or poor, maids or mistress, master or servant. All were akin to it,(passive voice - All were akin to a simular fate) and none were spared. Quite a few of the richer sort (This sounds slangy!) vacated the city as soon as they heard a slight rumor (rumors)of the dreaded plague.
(I'm going to have to stop you there : I'm really am sorry to say this, but if you want to get published for real, I have to be harsh or I'm no help to you at all! - As I said above, publishers expect you to research anything 'factual'. The above paragraphs contain information on a subject of fact and therefore needs to show this. You say a lot about the plague but tell us very little 'factually'. Sorry!)
Among that number were the inmates of Truro Hall, who left their house (homes...?)and journeyed toward Scotland as soon as the news of but one death reached their ears(suggest removing - we already know why they are leaving!). The Elziver household was not so quick to leave. Lady Evangeline herself would go out, ( ; ) basket on arm, to help and (suggest removing) feed the sick,(Full Stop.) or If she could not (go in person, she would send...?) her servants would go(in her place...?). Many a day, in place of the healthy servant that had gone out on a mercy mission earlier in the morning, a shabby peasant would return, bringing the news that one in the Elziver house had died that hour from the plague.(passive voice)

***
Lady Evangeline nodded at the shabbily dressed, dreary-faced man in the courtyard. “Aye, sir, I will be there.”

The rough-faced (sounds too simular to dreary-faced) man, looking astonished to hear himself called sir, (passive voice) moved off slowly onto the cobblestone drawbridge and out in the small forest beyond, from whence one could reach the main road(this is a long sentance - I would suggest making it two).
(New Line)Lady Evangeline watched him go with a sigh. “There be too many sick,” she mused (mused, to me gives the impression she finds it funny or she is being sarcastic. I'm sure this was not your meaning?) aloud, turning away. “Anywise, I must be prepared.” (prepared for what?)

The baroness had been asked by the aforesaid (a fore said...?) gloomy individual to visit a hamlet where many sick peasants lay, starving for lack of victuals. (Now call me stupid if you like...lol...but there are two things in this sentance that I don't understand. Bare in mind, I might be a potentual reader of your book so you have to cater for stupid people as well...that's gives you a much wider audience. Hamlet - I've heard the word many times before but I'm not sure exactly what it is apart from the cigar - maybe a little explination! Victuals - I have absolutely no idea what this means!.) After a few minutes in the house, she emerged, armed with a full basket. Her son (comma) Gadahin had been in the stables, tending to the horses, (remove comma) when the peasant visited the house with his plea. Now Gadahin came out from the bailey(You must not assume your reader knows what a bailey is. I would offer a small description somewhere.), rubbing his hands on a long piece of broadcloth.

“Mother, where to?” he asked.

His mother pointed to the basket on her arm. “To help the peasants in the hamlets,” she answered. “They be in need of much sustenance.”

“But Mother, you mustn’t go! It is certain death! Very few who visit the hamlets come back alive. Do send my servant Johánnes instead, mother.” Gadahin (pleaded...?)looked at her face pleadingly. (same line)But Lady Evangeline would not be moved.

(New Line)“Duty is best done when the person who was called to do it is the one who enacts it,” she answered. “I will not stay. No, let Johánnes help you in the stables. I have Benjamin and my two maids.” She patted Gadahin’s arm reassuringly( , offering reasurance...?). “Never fear, I will be back shortly.” Pushing the lid of her basket shut, she turned, crossed the drawbridge, and left without further ado.

(New Line)Gadahin stood looking after her sadly, then turned back to go inside the courtyard.

As Lady Evangeline passed the streets, she saw the dead in gutters,( ; ) on doorsteps, (and...?) lying in houses with the doors wide open. She grieved greatly when she saw them tossed carelessly into the well-known black carriages that drove off to bury its (the...?)dead beneath a (suggest removing) dusty, anonymous stone (slabs...?)slab.

“In here, m’lady,” said her lackey, Benjamin, pointing down a dirt-covered lane filled with the repelling stench of the dead.

She looked (to...?) where he (was pointing...?) pointed,(remove comma) and saw a miserable huddle of dirt-caked huts squatting on the ground (How can a hut squat on the ground?) a few yards away from them. It did not repulse her, however, by its’ awful sight; instead, she marched boldly to the first hut.

There was a woman on a pallet of straw in (inside...?) the dingy little hut, groaning with pain, apparently another victim of the plague. Across from her, tossing to and fro (suggest removing) on a dirty blanket, a child lay dozing and choking at the same time. A frail old man was lying near the child, too weak to help anyone. The smell of sweat and disease was strong in the little room.(Has Lady Evangeline entered the hut? You made no mention of this)

Lady Evangeline went to the first bed and took the basket from her waiting maid. Quietly she lifted the lid and took out a little (small...? little sounds too simular to bottle.) bottle. Then,(remove comma) leaning over the sick woman, she gently opened her mouth and applied two drops from the bottle to her tongue.
Suddenly, before the liquid even reached her throat, the woman shuddered, writhed, and closed her eyes.

“Is she sleeping, my lady?” asked one of the maids.

(New Line)Lady Evangeline looked up, sorrow on her face. (same line) “Nay. She is dead.”

When the contents of the basket had been emptied, (More description - Why is she emtying everything in this hut? - Where did she put it? - Try not to leave unanswered questions in the readers mind, it distracts them from the story) Lady Evangeline walked over to the child. The little girl was feverish and constantly muttering insensible words, evidently quite near unconsciousness. The baroness knew that (suggest removing) the herbs she (had...?) brought could do no good, since they were not for children, but so strong that the little girl might die by taking them. (since they were strong enough to kill a child...? This simplifies this sentance and removes the repeat of 'little girl')
Barely able to speak, the old man near the child petitioned Lady Evangeline in a faltering voice. “She will die soon without aid, so ill is her condition. Will not you take her to St. Mark’s Chapel, down the road a ways? She will be well cared for there. Ask for the Reverend Jonas Watson. He is a good man,(remove comma) and will surely help you.” Worn out from his exertions, the old man lay back on his shabby bed on the floor. His pale, drawn face indicated that his condition was poor, and nearing death.

(New Line)Lady Evangeline thanked him,(remove comma) and passed him some victuals from her basket.(But you said earlyer she had emptied the basket?) There was nothing else she could do for the faded old man who lay gasping for his last breaths;(Full Stop.)

(New Line) and, after (After) thanking her in-between groans, he motioned with his hand for the kind lady to go.

Reluctantly turning to her attendants, she said, “We must find a carriage. This little one will not last. Eliza, do you take her left arm,(remove comma) and I will take the right. Benjamin, lead us to the road. We will visit the church.”

“But m’lady(!)-”

“None of that. Katherine, will you please move aside that chair? (Here you should describe Katherine moving the chair if that is what she is doing. What's the look on her face? What is running through her mind? Describing this will make the scene more realistic) Good. Let us go.”

Together they lifted the little girl and brought her to the road. Evangeline, weary from her efforts, stopped to rest as Benjamin hailed a passing farmer’s wagon. The dirt from the streets rose up all around them , and just (suggest removing) as they approached the wagon(Full Stop.) they saw Another black carriage (rolled past them...?) with several poorly-made coffins piled up inside , driving past them.

Farmer O’Reilly , as he (suggest removing) introduced himself, looked(looking...?)somewhat surprised to find the baroness of Elziver accosting (his wagon...?) him. He was still more astonished when Lady Evangeline asked for a ride. Taking off his ancient straw hat, and scratching his bald head with a puzzled expression, he promised to consider the matter before finally assenting.

At heart, however, Farmer O’Reilly was a kind and benevolent old(Repeat) man. He gave in readily after his astonishment wore off, and, accepting with a show of reluctance the shining coin held out to him, he announced (announcing...?) his cart and mare at their service. Lifting the little (suggest removing) sick girl gently, he sat her in a comfortable position in the back of the cart, then helped the lady and her servants seat themselves. After they were situated as comfortably as possible, he picked up the reins, and the tottering old wagon began its slow route down the dusty road.

St. Mark’s Chapel was a beautiful, quiet site where a little white church nestled, homelike, in the crook of a small green valley.(this sentance has lots of info and could be spread over two sentances to give a better description) An old sign, waving from a tall iron hook in the whitewashed building, announced in the old-style writing, the pastor’s name and the words “True to the Olde Gospel Truthes”, written in fading letters beneath it.(This too is a long sentance - same as above applies)

“There’s the church, m’lady,” the old (We already know he is old, I would not keep mentioning it) farmer pronounced, putting aside his stick of wheat he had been chewing on.(Ahh - you should have mentioned this earlier in your description of him) “Ne’er find a better one than the Reverend Jonas Watson, sure as butter.(Sorry, but I havn't a clue what you are talking about here!) Shall I assist ye?”

Lady Evangeline thanked the old man kindly, but desisted from any further assistance. Together the lackey and the baroness picked up the little (unconscious...?) girl , who had by this time completely fainted away, and swung her out of the cart. Farmer O’Reilly, with a last wave and a kind smile, drove off in the direction of the road.

(Part One)
5
5
Review by Emailman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title: Circus Monkeys

Chapter: One

Round 1

Setting:
Absolutly fantastic! I love the way you have broken the the paragraphs with the speech, this
works very well indeed. You set the scene perfectly throughout the whole story.
I found nothing in this chapter that shouldn't be there.
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Character Development:
This to was great. A good build up throughout the chapter without making it boring.
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Historical Referencing:N/A
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Plot:
Hard to say in the first chapter really.
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Grammatical:
Their costumes seemed to dance on their own - fiery red with fringe hanging everywhere.
*****Suggestion*****
Their costumes seemed to dance on their own; fiery red with fringe hanging everywhere.

"Happy Birthday" in cheesy, cheerful voices.
*****Suggest adding comma*****
"Happy Birthday," in cheesy, cheerful voices.

With every day that passed my hair was looking more and more like her - unmanageable.
*****Suggestion*****
With every day that passed my hair was looking more and more like hers; unmanageable.

My birthdays were always the hardest for me - and my aunt for that matter.
*****Suggestion*****
My birthdays were always the hardest for me, and my aunt for that matter.

I don't blame them - in fact I thank them.
*****Suggestion*****
I don't blame them, in fact I thank them.

It was exactly what I had expected it to be - full of corny signs and even cornier
streamers.
*****Suggestion*****
It was exactly what I had expected it to be; full of corny signs and even cornier
streamers.

Of course that didn't prevent the whole room from singing "Happy Birthday"
*****Suggest adding comma*****
Of course that didn't prevent the whole room from singing "Happy Birthday,"

It was 10 when the phone rang. Julie picked up, worried.
*****Suggestion*****
It was 10 o'clock when the phone rang. Julie picked it up, worried.

"'Lory?" a male voice said, shaky on the other line.
*****Typo/Suggestion*****
"Lory?" a male voice said shakily, on the other line.

My eyes connected wtih Julie's for a millisecond
*****Typo*****
My eyes connected with Julie's for a millisecond

I couldn't even hear the music around me as I sprinted down the front lawn fumbling with
my keys in the night.
*****Suggest adding comma*****
I couldn't even hear the music around me as I sprinted down the front lawn, fumbling with
my keys in the night.

He stopped talking apparently waiting for me to say something.
*****Suggest adding comma*****
He stopped talking, apparently waiting for me to say something.

My beautiful, loving aunt was dead. Just as my mom was dead. And there was my dad
*****Suggest adding comma*****
My beautiful, loving aunt was dead, just as my mom was dead. And there was my dad

His chair was pushed all the way back but his long legs still looked cramped in the
small car.
*****Suggest adding comma*****
His chair was pushed all the way back, but his long legs still looked cramped in the
small car.

I knew in a way I was being harsh...this had to be hard on him as well and he really
was trying.
*****Suggest adding comma*****
I knew in a way I was being harsh, this had to be hard on him as well and he really
was trying.

There were 5 rows of 4 trailers set up in an orderly fashion
*****Suggestion*****
There were five rows of four trailers, set up in an orderly fashion

It reminded me of the time when I was in 6th grade and had to go to the high school
for something...not one single person looked at me but I felt as though they all might
as well be staring.
*****Suggestion*****
It reminded me of the time when I was in 6th grade and had to go to the high school
for something. Not one single person looked at me but I felt as though they all might
as well be staring.

Llamas, camels, elephants and more: the circus was a regular ark.
*****Suggestion*****
Llamas, camels, elephants and more; the circus was a regular ark.

He (she?) was the only creature
*****Suggestion*****
He or she was the only creature

"You're Mallory, aren't you,"
*****Question?*****
"You're Mallory, aren't you?"

Great. Sure. The one time I leave the trailer I get caught talking to a camel.
*****Suggestion*****
Great, sure! The one time I leave the trailer I get caught talking to a camel.

I didn't say a thing, he had short brown hair, casually ruffled
*****Suggestion*****
I didn't say a thing. He had short brown hair, casually ruffled

Maybe he was a hallucination...but with my luck he would be one of those unhelpful ones
*****Suggestion*****
Maybe he was a hallucination, but with my luck he would be one of those unhelpful ones

"Go ahead, feed her." He said and gave me a welcoming smile.
*****Suggestion*****
"Go ahead, feed her," he said, and gave me a welcoming smile.

"Um...okay." I held out my hand and 'Poppy' took it easily from my hand.
*****Suggestion*****
"Um...Okay." I held out my hand and Poppy took it easily from my hand.

Granted I'm no expert but you know how to approach without startling them
*****Suggest adding comma*****
Granted I'm no expert, but you know how to approach without startling them

"I have to go," I said quickly and walked back toward the trailer
*****Suggest adding comma*****
"I have to go," I said quickly, and walked back toward the trailer

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General:
Stepping out of the car I stretched my arms high above my head, taking the opportunity
to look around.
*****May sound better*****
Stepping out of the car, stretching my arms high above my head and taking the opportunity
to look around.

Most had been already decorated for the coming season, hanging plants situated in front
of the doors.
*****May sound better*****
Most had been already decorated for the coming season, with hanging plants situated in front
of the doors.
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Personal Opinion:
I especially like the way you have a perfect mix of description, thought and speech. This
works increadibly well, and gives your writing a wonderful flow for the reader. This is
what I would call a perfect beginning chapter. Great hook right away, and very well written.
I have made lots of suggestions under grammer, but you know how fussy publisers are! This
is by no means a reflection on a brilliant piece of writing, well done. A well deserved 4.5 rating.
5 Reviews · *Magnify*
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