*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/futrboy
Review Requests: OFF
496 Public Reviews Given
806 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... Next
1
1
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, I must say that this is an inventive poem, for I don't think I've ever viewed any of my writing instruments with such personality (and I go through pens and pencils like they were going out of style).

I liked the flair of the verses and the flow was easy and unforced.

I don't know if Slevan is going to be a poet or a writer or both but his talent is promising in both endeavors.
2
2
Review of Joe's Night Out  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting little poem. Rhyme scheme certainly works. I must admit I haven't seen that much poetic horror outside of Edgar Allen Poe. Keep up the work.
3
3
Review of A Matter of Taste  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting and different take on the normal colonization story. I actually found myself liking the lizards. Their interchange was intelligent and light-hearted, easy to follow.

The bit about the "fruit" was funny. I never would have thought of cows as fruit.

Of course, it was a little disturbing about the future fate of the arriving colonists. I would like to have found out just a little more about Mark and why he was on the planet, but the story doesn't suffer too much from his lack of a background.
4
4
Review of Anonymous Hero  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fantastic. I don't often award 5.0 as it leaves no room for improvement, but this bit of flash fiction had it all -- a hero, futuristic weapons, an alien world, people in danger, tension, thrills, excitement.

The author successfully explained the situation, made it totally believable without more in-depth explanation and created an atmosphere of tension and emotion.

Simply by saying that there were no pain-blocker injections left and that his hydraulics were leaking badly, the author conveyed to us the hero's dilemma, as well as the foreboding sense of his impending death. The mention of five minutes of life support only drove it home that much harder.

We can sense that he will do his duty and yet we're still surprised and awed when he does make the ultimate sacrifice.

Great storytelling.
5
5
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Incredible. Simply excellent. Though the story is set on an alien world, the author still manages to make us believe that the real alien existence is in Dr. Carr's head.

The storyline is set up very well, flowing from one scene to the next almost flawlessly.
We can easily see Carr's change from emotionally-suppressed human being to one who finally wakes up.
6
6
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great start. Tension, thrills, excitement and a smart, sexy character.

The intro has all the makings of a popular character. We get to see that Kath is not all she appears to be, as she has a little trouble re-adjusting to wearing sexy clothes and platform shoes. She keeps her cool when the robber appears and even appears anxious to get on with the whole thing.

The story flows well, except maybe for the end. I can only imagine how many cases are being thrown out because of police brutality.

But, that's neither here nor there.

There were a couple of mistakes:

1) 1st para., 5th sentence -- you might want to change "I was currently wearing" to "I had on." You mentioned "wear" earlier in the sentence and in the third sentence.

2) 2nd para., 5th sentence -- should be "groan" instead of "grown"

The biggest problem I had was that the cat is out of the bad early. We learn that Kath is pretending. She then gives up the fact that the robber's limp and story are fake, even before he's in the store. She also mentions the detective, thus giving away the punch line. The story is by-the-numbers then.

Perhaps Kath could say that this is the first time she's ever worked in a lingerie story and that's why she feels odd about wearing a baby doll dress and heels. It would also explain her anxiety (she might be wondering how she'll handle the customers on that first day).

After the robbery goes down, then maybe she can let us in on the fact that she's an undercover.

Or you could keep the original line, but at the end when she expects help to come her way, no one shows up and now she has to improvise. Maybe the robber suspected a trap, but needed a new challenge and went ahead with the job anyway. Maybe he pays some bums to start a fight with broken bottles on the sidewalk nearby, knowing that the cops can't ignore two people trying to kill each other. The cops distracted, he tries to pull off the robbery to see if he can and to make the cops look bad.

Maybe Kath can then show off that eccentric genius by still outwitting the bad guy (as it stands, she doesn't seem like anything more than your typical vice cop).

Just some suggestions. But, the story has real potential to stand out. it needs a hook, though, to catch readers' attentions.
7
7
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Ah, much better. Good dialogue, good story and the plot begins to pick up nicely. Madeline is what the story needed at the end, someone to step in and stop Twyla from all the crap she's doing. Any fictional vampire will tell you that leaving lots of dead bodies around is not a good way to stay undead.

The only real problem is that Twyla has not been, thus far, shown to be a confused newbie. Again, that refers back to the intro. Twyla is street-wise already, doesn't seem to show much shame in killing people, is fooling her normal friends and family (though, I think her parents are either idiots or smoking something stronger than weed) and has enough wherewithal to set up a secret apartment without being noticed.

It should be interesting to see what Madeline can possible bring to Twyla's table.
8
8
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Getting better, but there are still some serious plot holes to deal with.

I liked the high school banter, the way Twyla is feeling her power by disrespecting the teacher. I still hate that drug angle (if all teens are druggies, we're all in trouble), but that's a minor thing right now.

The characters are described well enough for me to visualize, although I have yet to be able to visualize Twyla, other than she's 5-1 (Kylie's 5-5 and four inches taller than Twyla).

Twyla, Kylie and Jesse seem like cool kids, making me think that the intro really, really has to be rewritten because that Twyla and this Twyla are 180 degrees apart, more like Jekyll & Hyde than Bella.

That said, there are still some major plot holes that need to be dealt with.

First up are ones that need to be dealt with now:

1) THE COP!!! In the intro, she murdered a cop right after she killed Dwayne. Yet no mention of the cop on the news. A cop killing trumps all other killings on the news.

2) THE APARTMENT -- Twyla, a white girl from the better part of town, and Kylie, a blonde definitely from the better part of town, go into a run-down building and into an apartment filled with thousands in cash, lots of drugs and lots of guns. Really?

These two stand out in Northside like Louis Farrakhan at a KKK rally. With drug dealers everywhere and crooked cops talking to hookers, even Twyla should stand out (especially with Kylie in tow). The pimps would be after her. The cops, no matter how crooked, should notice her.

3) Twyla admits killing 21 people and is ashamed, but seems to justify the deaths by saying that most of them were bums (like bums are lower on the totem pole than suicide bombers). Yet, she did murder a cop in cold blood. What about that.

4) The news mentioned only four bodies found in the downtown area. Did Twyla hide the rest? She says downtown is her hunting ground and that she's killed 21 people. So, more bodies should have been found. That would be a major plot block, though. Even a third of that number would have the newspapers crying "serial killer" and the place would be crawling with cops.

Plot holes to explain in future chapters:

1) Twyla's vampire is obviously based on "Twilight" where the bloodsuckers exist in daylight. This needs to be explained, because Stephenie Meyer's world is still outside the norm. Twyla getting all those books on vampires from the library would seem to indicate this (most of the books should tell her that vampires can't exist in sunlight or would, at least, be severely weakened).

So, please explain how Twyla exists normally in daylight.

2) Please have Kylie freak out or something. I can't believe that even a BFF would accept that Twyla is a vampire at the drop of a hat.

3) Explain while Twyla freaked out mention of Dwayne on the news. She had no reason to. The cops weren't looking for her, so having the wallet still in her possession meant nothing.

4) Please be careful with your world view. Right now, it's bordering on racist. Inadvertently, I hope, but still. I mean, let's look at some of the descriptions:

Jesse -- Perfect chin-length blonde hair, bright blue eyes
Kylie -- 5'5", long blonde hair, thin frame
Mrs. Keif -- 27, nice rack, pretty face, blonde hair
Grant -- lanky brown-haired, blue/green eyes

It sounds like the world of "Twilight" meets "The Hills," "The O.C." and "Dawson's Creek."

She keeps her vampire life secret from her goody-two shoes life by living in the bad part of town. Her, the one black guy (so far) is a drug dealer, bus patrons are described as creepy and smelling bad, there are hookers on every corner, drug dealers on the street, shoeless kids, domestic arguments constantly and ALL the cops are crooked.

Still, this story has potential.
9
9
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Technically, the piece is really good. There are no major typos, no grammatical mistakes other than some paragraphs running together (hint: try to separate dialogue from text) and the story flows pretty evenly.

The language is rough, but the context is set to explain it.

The real problem here is the main character. She is supposed to be a teenage girl trying to live life normally after being turned into a vampire. Teenage girls should have angst. They should be worrying about impressing friends and dating and stuff.

I got none of that from this girl (by the way, she needs a way to introduce her name). Other than missing doughnuts and French fries and saying that being downtown at 2 a.m. is no place for a high school girl, we would never know she's a high school girl.

I realize this is an intro and we're likely to find out more about her in the subsequent chapters, but I could not find any reason to connect with her.

She's a high school girl, yet she's described as a psychopath. She's been wiping out bums and then having fun with hookers. Then, she kills a john and gleefully rips out the neck of a cop, laughingly calling him "piggy." Sounds more like what a seasoned pro would do.

It's hard enough to identify with her as it is but even "Vampire Diaries" and "True Blood" don't make it a point of leaving scores of dead bodies around. Even the most skeptical cop would take notice and start sharpening stakes.

Plus, do the math. Drinking blood and killing the victims, in vampire lore, creates new vampires. She's actually making more competition for herself.

Some suggestions:

1) Maybe she can be prowling downturn, take the guy in the Escalade and then, not feeling sated enough, zero in on a girl staggering down the street. Figuring she's a teeny-bopper who had too much to drink, she sees an easy dessert. Instead, when she gets up on the girl, she sees that the teen been bitten and is well into the turn.

That could trigger a flashback to when she was a high school-age girl, disobeyed her parents, went out to a party and found the wrong guy. She could be like an older hooker taking a new girl under her wing, to show her the ropes and, maybe, help the girl avoid all the mistakes that made her into the monster she is now.

2) Totally re-write it. Have the vampire act normal. Have her full of angst with some unmentioned problem that has her walking down a dark street at 2 a.m. A pimp comes up to sweet talk her, saying all the right things. He takes her to his car and then she bares fangs, rips his throat out, blood everywhere.

She drinks her fill, realizes what she's done, gets out and, face full of terror and more angst, runs away. She gets to a "safe" place, pulls out her Blackberry and texts someone, someone that should understand what she's going through -- is it a boy or a girlfriend or the one who turned her?

Then, while she waits for the friend, she sags against a wall, uses a sweater to wipe the blood from her mouth and face and checks her watch. She gags and says "Two a.m.?! Jeez, I've got that sociology mid-term today. Oh, God, if I fail another test, mom and dad will be pissed."

Okay, it sounded angsty to me. Worried about what her parents will do when she probably can't even show up anywhere in the daylight anymore, much less school for a test.

3) Leave the story the way it is. But, don't make the girl a high schooler. Or, at least, don't make it sound like she's newly-turned. Make her streetwise, like a drop-out drug addict who maybe got turned by a dealer.

There has to be a hook that gets readers to connect with her. She should be like Josh Brolin in "No Country For Old Men," who does some despicable things but has the audience rooting for him. Right now, your character sounds more like Javier Bardem's serial killer.
10
10
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Simply excellent. I didn't know the details of the contest, but it jumped out immediately like Robert Frost. Great work.
11
11
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Creepy and intense. The description of the burglary was made real, as well as the circumstances that caused the burglary in the first place. A bit like Jean Valjean, though without the horrible twist. That the burglar should break into the house where his wife is prostituting herself caught me way off-guard.

One little thing -- "ever since hapless husband--me" should probably have another "--" after "me." Not sure if this would have violated the 100-word rule though.
12
12
Review of Love In Namibia  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Excellent. At first, it was a bit jarring to not see conjunctions or pronouns, but I quickly got past this. The descriptions were vivid, detailed and very easy to imagine. I wanted to be Himbal myself after the lush narrative.

The author showed a great gift for adjectives and for combining them in such a way as to make the reader salivate (the male ones anyway).

Loved the twist with at least one word starting with each letter of the alphabet. Ingenious.
13
13
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, I can't imagine what the author did to conjure up this nightmare. As expected, there's no rhyme or reason to a nightmare, but I could feel the author's apprehension at his or her predicament. The descriptions just made it feel very eerie, especially the description of Satan. It made me wonder if the author had, perhaps, watched one of the umpteen "Saw" movies and this is what brought up the nightmare.

The narrative was very well presented.
14
14
Review of Cold Blooded  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Blunt, brutal and honest. I'm not sure what this poem is saying -- vampires, evil or drugs, but the message is straightforward. The narrator is beyond caring. He or she doesn't know why life made them like that but it has and on one can bring them back. It won't be an episode of "Intervention" or "The Cleaner."

The rhymes flowed smoothly for the most part, except for the last line of the third stanza. "Retorts" seemed forced, as if a word was needed that seemed close to "thoughts." On other hand, I'm not sure how to rephrase the line to make it fit better.
15
15
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Right off the bat, I will say that I liked this. The writing was crisp and the plot thought out. It was easy to understand what was happening. Alas, I think the story could use some more tension. The reader immediately knows that an asteroid is headed for Earth and that Will Benson is going to use his ship to destroy it or alter its course.

The story comes across as mechanical and methodical, with its step-by-step detailing of Will's preparations. Some fear or trepidation from Will or the others could make them seem more human.

The story has room to improve obviously.

I really had two problems (one minor and one very major):

1) In the second sentence of the sixth paragraph, the word should be "led" instead of "lead" for the past tense. I've seen this error popping up all over the place.

2) I'm not sure if the author is doing an homage to science fiction authors, but the title "Lucifer's Hammer" is also the title of a Hugo-nominated novel by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle (of "Ringworld" fame). The plot is very similar to that novel. It also exactly matches (thus far) the plot of Arthur C. Clarke's 1993 novel "The Hammer of God."
Some major changes need to be made. I can sort of relate because I had to change a paragraph in one of my stories because it sounded too close to an obscure Danish monster film called "Reptilicus."

I would hate for this to turn into a story that might be published only to be either rejected by a publisher or turned into a lawsuit.

Changes can be made, though. Perhaps Benson could already be in space, on a deep-space mission to stop the asteroid. Maybe the target is Saturn's ice rings and a collision by the asteroid could send billions of ice shards towards Earth and all its space stations in between. Maybe the asteroid could pulverize the Moon and the effects on the Earth could be depicted.

Just some ideas.
16
16
Review of Universal Evil  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (4.0)
I wasn't sure what to make of this because of the immense space between stanzas. But, looking at it a second time allowed me to see the message it intended and delivered. It was an ingenious way to present the message that silence is the harbinger of evil and doom, but I'm not sure if all readers will get it.

The big spaces might distract from the overall message.
17
17
Review of Trick or Treat  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I like it. Rhymes well and it's still easy enough for a child to read.
18
18
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Almost any combination, except traditional will work because, apparently, there are no guys in fantasy lands named Greg. I would try ancient or medieval names -- Morganna, Morgaine, Marcellus, Marcus, Luther. But, your best bet is to sit down and write down the names that come into your head. If you feel comfortable with one and give him personality, then readers should not have a problem with him or her.

As for the narrative, it sounds promising with the deer and Lome's anguish at having to kill it. However, I think it's necessary to explain why he cut off one of the deer's feet and buried it next to where the carcass lay.

Also, what is "medioke" other than an incredibly needless slang term for mediocre (it only leaves off the last syllable, like circling the base paths and then stopping short of home plate). Plus, as an adjective to describe a hill, even "mediocre" would be woefully out of place. "mediocre" and "steep" are opposites.

It's difficult to give a full assessment of the story as it is only one paragraph and none of the fantasy elements have been introduced.
19
19
Review of Red Wood  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Okay, this is creepy and even creepier might be the fact that it's flash fiction, thought up practically on the spot.

The story starts off with a bang and quickly sets the scene for the whispers. The spider husks are a nice touch to make the scene chillier. By the second paragraph, we quickly learn that our narrator is more than he seems. By the end, we learn the whispers are from the spiders thanking him for the feast of blood he has bestowed upon them, answering their cries for sustenance as the other bodies in the ground have gone to bone and dust.

The major problem with this story is the mixing of tenses. Most of the first paragraph is done in present tense -- "The window shatters"; "I mutter..."; "...my stamina runs low..."

But, then near the end of that paragraph, the story switches to past tense with "I realized to my disgust what..." and then back to present tense.

In the second paragraph, it starts out present tense and ends with past tense.

The story should stick to one tense. It will work well with either tense, but mixing the two is a cardinal grammar faux pas. Our minds hone in on the tense and switching between them throws us off and can turn us off to the story. Present tense lets us think we're there in the moment whereas past tense makes us think we are seeing something after it has happened. The difference is subtle, but significant.
20
20
Review of Mistaken Identity  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Talk about being careful what you wish for. Nice twist.
21
21
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, this is creepy. A simple explanation, though, for a bitter and cruel act.
22
22
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow. Very powerful and heartfelt. Sad, but uplifting in a way, as well, as the power of words and the soothing effect of music are shown. I'll be honest in saying that the only song I recognized was "Show Me the Way" by Peter Frampton, but the story touched me nonetheless.

Keep up the excellent work. For someone who has only been on WDC for less than 6 months, you've shown a great talent.

(review courtesy of the Writing Academy Library Reviewing Club)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of Embers  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: E | (3.5)
a good first attempt, but one that's a bit confusing. The adjectives are, perhaps, a bit too much, using some bigs words like "symphonic" (I'm not sure what a symphonic rise would look like; perhaps the embers could rise and fall like the notes of a symphony orchestra).

What's most confusing, however, is the dialogue. Someone says something should have been done a while ago. Then, the same person says it shouldn't have been done.

Grammatically, the dialogue should be separated from the text. Also, in the second sentence, it should be "their" instead of "there" when referring to "faces."

Overall, a good start. It can be fixed quite easily.
24
24
Review of The Icemen Cometh  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ice cubes invading the world and bringing sickness and death? Man, that is cold.

Okay, humor (or lack thereof aside), I found this to be an excellent story and a very novel (no pun intended) idea. The story was certainly descriptive enough, using a different take on a classic idea, sort of like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and "Quatermass 2."

And I liked the ending. The invaders are presented as being guiltless and never harming intelligent species. It made me wonder if they were on Earth and the author was taking a shot at the human race, which does, admittedly, show an appalling lack of intelligence on a fairly regular basis.

Grammar and style-wise, I could find no errors.
25
25
Review of Discarded  
Review by Futrboy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Okay, this is a new one. A skirt that thinks. Makes me wonder what some of my clothes might be saying about me.

As it stands, it was a novel and unique approach to the story. It was like the skirt was a person, angry at being dumped and then feeling euphoric that the source of its torment had gotten some kind of comeuppance.

The girl's anguish was a bit cliche, but oh so true.

Great stuff.



(Courtesy of the Reviewing Club of the Writing Academy)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
205 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 9 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/futrboy