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68 Public Reviews Given
68 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (4.5)
subject matter . . . boring
rhyming quality . . . amazing!
clever use of words I might add.

o though the subject matter is not really suitable for a rap song, I found myself singing it as a rap, must be the rhyming scheme you have used, at any rate I enjoyed reading this poem, keep up the good work.
maybe next time you could do a poem about something a bit more exiting, I find the sport of bowling a bit like golf, except no one has any clubs to beet there husbands with.
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Review of All Better Fits  
Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (4.0)
this is a great little poem, I love puppies ^^
however I found one typo (unless you meant to type this)
"Couldn't take even take a sup" has two redundant words "Couldn't take" and "even take"
did you mean "Couldn't even take a sup"? any way just thought I'd point that out.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
dragons + science fiction = win
lol but really I only have one problem with this, you seem to mention something about the dragons taking different forms, but you never go into enough detail to describe how they do this or if they can tern at will into other forms, I would love to see you expand on this concept.
another words put a little meat on the bones of this story.

keep up the good work ~ Jacob Ellinger
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Review of Return of Cain  
Review by Delirium
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
the writer has chosen to place his own beliefs about god into this story through the character Cain, while I understand that the writer has there own opinions on the Bible, the story suffered because the character Cain in the Bible would have understood God and his actions better than any of us, but the way that Cain is portrayed in this story is as if he was a modern man, one who has never lived with God as he actually would have, Cain expresses confusion on the actions of God, when he would have understood him better than any of us.

I think you could improve this story if Cain was given a stronger resolve on the acts of God, make him understand why God did what he did (but hate him for it) in this way Cain will seem more believable as a character.

I did find however your incites on what would have happened had Abel lived rather interesting.

your knowledge of the Bible while misled is impressive.

Keep on writing~ Jacob Ellinger
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Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (5.0)
lol "Your attempt to fool us will not go unpunished! Seize him" that line cracked me up for some reason, It's strange to think that such a common thing like snow could seem like the ravings of a mad man if herd by some one who has never herd of such a thing before.

Great little story, I found no spelling errors and it is well written, not to mention it was interesting to reed even as short as it was, I only wish it was longer, this could be a nice children's story :)

Keep Writing. ~Jacob Ellinger
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Review of Dolphin story  
Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the story concept, especially because I love dolphins, I have a few little things that I saw that I did not like, but that's just me being nit picky, the only one I want to point out is this paragraph here :“Now, now, children, you must all listen to learn more or less chatter overall. What sense will you learn without the sense to sense the moment of silent sensibleness? No, no, he meant, means the u-mans concrete den over there, there by the river. Er, didn’t you?” The otter was quiet for a second.

I found it some what hard to understand what he was saying, maybe it's just the way that character is, maybe you meant him o be just a bit silly with his words, if that WAS in fact your intention than I retract my original statement and think this is brilliant.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this, it did make me smile, it makes me want to dig out some old pictures I have lying around some ware, I only wish that I could hear how it is suppose to be sung, because I like the lyrics, and I even tried singing it to myself in a few different ways, but I just could not find the correct way to sing it, any way I still like it a lot, and would like to hear it sung... perhaps with a piano playing, keep writing songs, this one sounds great,
of all the ways I sung it, the best sounding way was kinda like how singer and pianist Randy Newman sing a lot of his songs *shrug* I dont really know, you can find a lot of his work on you tube and such though if your interested that is.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (5.0)
it's like some kind of wiki document meant for a time lord or something, it took me a wile to read but I was glad I did, even if I understand only like 70% of what I read.

it's good to know that if I ever plan on creating my own galaxy I have a manual for that.
ps~ now I know the internet has everything lol
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Review of Fashionable War  
Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am so confused after reading this story, but at least it was entertaining and immensely funny, but tragic in the end.
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Review of The Sea Mouse  
Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (5.0)
this part is may Favorite:
The baby mouse stopped running and looked around. The warm sand felt good under her paws. The salty wind blew gently between her ears, carrying dolphins' conversations and seagulls' cries....
mostly because you narrate the story as if the mouse could talk and think like a human, and adding little details like how the dolphins where having conversations only add to the idea that the little mouse has feeling just like you and me. ^.==.^
well dun, I enjoyed reading this a lot !
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Review by Delirium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I loved the poem, I especially liked the part "I'm a true blue American and I'm really glad to be free!" kinda makes you think about how good we have it in America,"
I have a suggestion though about this line:
"The wind had taken down a tree and the power went out,
I could have ranted and raved but what's the use to shout?"

I would have worded it like so:
The wind knocked down a tree, the power soon went out,
I could have rant and raved, but whats the use to shout?

and this line:
Then the well went dry, or so I quickly surmised.
That was not the problem, much to my surprise!
Underneath all the snow where the water line lay,
a crack in the water line let the water flow away.

I would have worded it like so:
Then the well went dry, at least I thought so any way.
but that was not the problem, much to my dismay!
Underneath the snowy field where the water line did lay,
a crack had there developed letting the water flow away.

and this:
I was fortunate enough to have jugs of water saved,
I got to wash the dishes and the menfolk got shaved.
Not enough water for a shower, I sure hope it will rain,
and I will be able to feel fresh and clean once again.

I would have wrote like this:
I was enough you see, to have jugs of water saved,
I got to wash the dishes and the menfolk got shaved.
though not enough to shower so I hope it will rain soon,
than I'll feel all fresh and clean, and all fresh and new.

any way great poem, keep on writing, and pleas don't feel obligated to listen to my suggestions.
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Review of Jesus  
Review by Delirium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
being a believer myself, I have a special place for poems like this, I myself have written some, I especially like the way you use Jesus in a repeating way, I gave it a 4.5 because I think the starting could be just a bit more lyrical.
Keep up the good work.
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Review of Too Early  
Review by Delirium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I hope Tessa find the lord, if you ever add to this, you could have a good book on your hands, I can see it now "This book fallows the journey of one girls struggle to understand her brothers death, while simultaneously trying to understand a God that would allow it to happen, will she find salvation and peace, read and find out"

any way I hope you continue to write because I think your pretty good.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
wow I really like this one, and so uplifting too!, I was sing this to myself and it seems to me that you could make a rap song with this, it may need a little work to do that though, but your ending is a perfect way to lead into a chorus. keep looking up.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
1.I found this line most funny, I got a good laugh from it: But if there is anything American culture fears more than powerful women, it is the weight of public opinion."

2.Dr. Yigal Yadin is my least favorite character, mostly because of his backward beliefs about God.

3.I dont fully agree with this line "Americans were the worst. Militarily dominant, diplomatically proficient, they projected their strength better than any nation on Earth
basically America sucks when it comes to diplomacy, and as far as America willing to do what ever it takes to get the job dun, well sens Bill Clinton it seems like there hasn't been a president or congress with the balls to do anything truly worth wile in a military sens, I cant help but think of how we could take out the leader of Libya with one bomb, possibly saving thousands of lives, but we wont because of a few human body shields.

4.this paragraph could use some changes, I feel as if the Generals actions here were a little out of the blue, maybe you could play with this a bit, perhaps flush out the Generals internal thoughts or something, I don't really know why but the Generals sudden actions seems to change too quickly to me, of cores this is just my personal opinion.:
"There's no time to explain," said the General. "We need you to gather your things. You'll be coming with us."

Yigal's eyes opened widely. "I couldn't possibly..." He backed against the cold edge of the counter behind him. "My work."

"Don't make this more difficult than it has to be. National security has become an issue and my orders are firm."

"Your orders from whom?"

"Doctor!" Theodore shouted in anger.

"Who's in danger?" Yigal demanded, memories of recent thefts of vital pieces of history gathered from Hazor flooding his mind. He thought about what was at stake, the gravity of a loss of Cave 12's find, and cringed at the possibility. "General! What the hell is going on?"

"I'll explain on the way. And I will need the names and locations of every man, woman, and child who has knowledge of this cave before we leave."

5. your chapter spacing is just great!, however I feel like you could easily combine chapters five and six.

6. the character named Fatima, when she first gets abducted I was a little annoyed at the constant use of "blackness", it might sound a little better if you used just once a phrase similar too this, "in between absents of contagiousness she caught snippets of conversation" or some such thing, reusing the same line over and over again gets old, you might try interchanging "blackness" with, "than nothing".

7.Grady is an evil bastard and I hope he gets whats coming to him.

all in all I LOVE! this book I like how you combined religion and science into it.
I also like how your characters feel real and have there own biases and beliefs, no two characters are that similar which is good, it makes them seem more real.
if I had picked this up in a book stand or in a library I would be hooked instantly, awesome job, I could only hope to be so good at writing.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I derped before I loled when I read this, it is charming clever, funny and most importantly entertaining to read, I have a soft spot for poetry, especially ones that rime well.
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Review of The Wave  
Review by Delirium
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
o though I only read this page, it seems an interesting story, I think this page would be a perfect hook for your book, if ever you get it published, let me know I would love a copy.
some criticism: the opening statement feels rushed some how, and just a bit bland, seemingly belonging in a text book, and ultimately in need of improvement.
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Review of Nightwind  
Review by Delirium
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
this poem was enjoyable but could have been more lyrical, an improvement to the first stanza could go like this.
the whisper of a child
the hunger of obsess
An unseen fury smiled
upon nightwind's madness.
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Review of Souls  
Review by Delirium
Rated: E | (3.0)
1.found grammar typo three lines down >"That wasn’t how the jomundor line does it, though."why is the word "Though" set apart from the sentence, notice how you have a comma, separating it from the other words?
2.starting six lines down from the top "Juno Hesserr, and didn’t belong in the Roof of the World, where the dragon shifters like me stay." this sentence would sound much better if you replace the word "stay" with "lived",
3.seven lines down from the top >"No, he belonged with his feel on the ground," what do you mean by "his Feel", chances are if I dont know what you mean by this other readers wont ether.
4. Fifth paragraphs and four lines down,>"“Plus, I was here to see you in a way, too." did you mean “Plus, I was here to see you in anyway, too"?, if not than it would still sound better without the "Too" it sounds redundant here as you already said "plus".
5.several places you forgot to capitalize names, just to point out one, the first paragraph you forgot to capitalize the name Jomundor.
6.forth paragraph forth line down> "If you want action done about it, go to my mother. I am not alpha yet.”, would sound better like this "If you want something done about it, go to my mother. I am not alpha yet.”
7. eight paragraphs down first line typo found and grammar error found >(“Dragons and tigers never get along; we feed (of)< you and in return,") should read like this >(“Dragons and tigers never get along; we feed off of you, and in return,)
8.tenth paragraph down and four lines up, grammar error found> (In hopes to see you soon,) hope has an S at the end it should be singular.
9.eleven paragraphs and three lines down> grammar error ( that was already littered with small one-liner jokes that I hear.)
should read like this "that was already littered with small one-liner jokes that I had Heard.
I liked the characters, however you should change the nacho cheese joke unless a modern food like that actually exist in your stories world, back to the characters, I like the mental mono log you give them, I would like to see you develop the part of the story more where she gets 4 more arrows in her chest, it would be more exciting to read about her trying to fly away and getting shot because of her disobedience as it is this part feels rushed, keep it up, this story has potential, A tip for you, after you finish typing, go through it and read it out lode to yourself and a lot of the problems I found, you will solve yourself, you may even find that you want to change how this sentence or that sentence sounded. good lick and don't give up.
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Review by Delirium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading this, it was both well written and interesting, I only have one problem, could you maybe come up with eser names to read, specifically "Svarthost " this name in it of itself is not that bad but when included with sentences like these "and I am a Loytnant of the Svarthost of Gronnskog. Jakte son of Johar," I had to read this sentence twice to make sure I was understanding it, if you word the sentences differently, so as not to mush a bunch of uncommon words and names into one line it would be less tedious to read.
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Review of Wicked Man  
Review by Delirium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
wile I prefer lyrical rhyming poems this has nothing to do with yours, this poem made me think about it, I went back to read it over again to make sure I got the full meaning, at-least one that made sens to me, what I got from this was this: it seems this is a poem about a man who is slowly loosing his grip on what is right and what is wrong, the phrase "I am starting a new beginning" repeats several times in it, and the exact meaning was unclear to me until the vary end, this phrase left me with the feeling that the "wicked man" was going to set of a nuke or something thus starting a new beginning the phrase "Aiming high yet I’m aiming lower than before" made me think and left me with an eery feeling, I saw this as meaning that he planed on killing as many people as he can, or destroying as much as he can, thus aiming high, but yet he's aiming lower than before he started going insane in that his goals are evil. this poem was confusing, and I am still unsure if I got the intended meaning of it, but all in all I enjoyed reading it.
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