This was on Read and Review. A very emotional and moving poem. It was kind of a jolt to go from 2 lines per stanza to 4 per stanza. In the last stanza, 'its" should be it's, as in it is. I think I would change one word in that stanza. It might sound better to say the "clowns in this story" instead of the story. But that's up to the writer.
It has a sort of surprise ending, like the other kids woke up too late. It seems you are a compassionate person who cares about others. We need more writers like that.
From Read & Review:
At first I thought this was a romance until I saw the word daughter. Then it all made sense. Everyone wants to satisfy a parent. We all want to feel accepted by the most important people in our young lives. You have captured that emotion. The only flaw I saw is about halfway through, "I one day I"- there's too many I's. Otherwise, most of us can relate to this poem at any age.
Found you on read and review.
This reminds me of the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I found no flaws, no typos, no errors. I have no suggestions.
I think you captured the feelings of being torn between two places or choices, and the feeling that a person is always on your mind. You also captured the idea that we grow accustomed to someone; what once annoyed us has now become customary and we miss it when not there. You cover the past, present, and future.
Well done. Keep writing.
A well-written poem I found on Read and Review. I get the feeling there's a lot of background that I'm missing. There is some deep thought and feeling here. This writer has been attacked since childhood and come out strong. It leaves me wanting to know more about this proud, strong person. My favorite lines are in the last stanza. The birds say good-bye to the south to head north, but they return to feed themselves and their offspring. They are survivors. I like your poem.
Found on Read and Review
Sounds like a unique experience! First, the beauty of the morning, and I thought about the old rhyme, red sky at night, sailor's delight, etc. Then you describe a different kind of turbulence, not the weather. Police in a foreign country, a hangover, overdue on base--definitely a nightmare.
I found no errors or suggestions.
Very interesting story you tell.
I found this poem fascinating. I appreciate the explanation at the end. I didn't know Mr. Ed's final story. I have heard of Packards, but Peggs was new to me. You do paint a pastoral scene, even with the rust. I can picture it in my head.
Thanks for a little TV history and sharing your poem.
Found on Read and Review.
My first thought is "To you and I" is used twice, and should be you and me. It wouldn't hurt the rhythm and would be grammatically correct.
I did trip a little over the rhythm at the end of stanza 8. "Not of atrocity" just wasn't as smooth as the rest.
It's a pretty grim picture, but the truth nonetheless. It's much the same with what Indians and whites did to each other here, or in any war situation, including Bible stories. You've gotten to the heart of the matter: otherwise nice people are capable of great harm and destruction when they stop seeing humans with compassion.
Keep writing. Good job.
Hello,
I enjoyed your free verse about silence. Yes, silence is sweet and sometimes more meaningful than words. My favorite line was "frail as the winter snows". It actually paints that silence.
I have no suggestions and saw no faults. A successful poem.
What a nice story. I found no errors in spelling or grammar. It kept me interested and reading. A lot of emotion and insight to a young person at the center of the story. At times, I laughed out loud at the play between guilt and wishful thinking. Lovely story.
Keep writing.
This poem made me want to go to the beach right now! But I am cold where I am and would be chicken to get in the water. It sounded lovely and inviting. You used colors and light to help paint the picture. I liked the repetition of waves-it makes you feel the motion of the water.
No flaws, no suggestions.
Great job.
A consolidated summary of life mistakes. Unfortunately, we do tend to attract the same types over and over, which your story shows. I wish this weren't true for so many women. And why do so many men feel it's okay to wield that power over women?
I see no errors or suggestions in your writing. The title is what drew me in. It's a disappointing thought. I never found a personal Prince after living a long life. I wanted to believe I just missed him, but I guess I have to believe he just doesn't exist. (I've never experienced physical abuse, but like you mentioned, there are other ways to inflict pain.)
Keep writing. Maybe somebody else will catch on before it's too late.
This was on read and review. I have to say it is insightful and honest. I daresay your conclusion is correct, and that you will feel the way you predict. I also remember reading a book, and didn't get it. I came back a few years later and loved it! Reading and language skills don't always match our emotional and intellectual advancement. You show wisdom on your own development. Very astute of you to realize this.
I do recommend a comma on your very first line: after old, before my. I also think that perhaps you meant illiterate rather than aliterate--probably just a typo. You probably meant a criticism of the school system and not all California children. I would be cautious when commenting on a large group of people.
Best wishes to you. You are a promising young writer.
R & R
What a lovely prose poem. As I read it, I thought, "Boy, somebody has it bad." You captured the enchantment, the obsession that comes with young love. The beloved is an ideal, living on a lofty plane in the writer's eyes. That's how love sounds.
Great job. No flaws. No suggestions.
From Read & Review--
I found this truly entertaining and true. It is a matter of perspective. I was chuckling at the end.
In my neck of the woods, snow is an excuse to meet the neighbors you usually ignore while you're all out shoveling a parking space. We have an excuse to be late to work or to skip church, etc.
But when I was in Charleston, WV, one January, I noticed the chains on the tires of bumper to bumper vehicles and the crowds of pedestrians on the sidewalks walking in slush over top of their boots. Nothing slowed them down!
Hi, Jay.
The sentiment is excellent. I always applaud honoring those who have served in the military. I found no technical, spelling or grammatical errors. The rhythm was a little bumpy occasionally. The rhyme was great. It's very difficult to criticize or make suggestions about this grave topic. You did a great job. We need to honor those who have sacrificed for their country.
Hi, Snow,
First I thought "cyan" isn't a color often used, a great beginning to catch the attention. Although it's simple, it caught my imagination and sent me back into my grandmother's yard which seemed enormous to me at the time. (Now it looks small to me.) We'd help her rake, ten jump into the pile only to see her grimace. My dad would come along later and haul them away.
You painted a lovely picture arousing memories.
On Read and Review.
What common sense. A lovely prose poem exploring numbers and applying them to everyday life. You did a superb job. I found no faults, no flaws, no recommendations for improvement. It was very uplifting to read this.
Keep up the good work.
I love the beauty described in so few words. The colors paint a terrific scene. And I know from my own experience this is a fleeting moment. It doesn't last long. Being able to capture it in words is terrific.
I see no flaws. I like it. Great job. Keep writing more.
Hello, on today's Read and Review I found this. It certainly is food for thought. You have provided a springboard for meditation.
I found no faults with your writing, except maybe one comma. In the second paragraph, after "memories". it sounds like a run-on sentence. I would use either a semi-colon or a period before "I". Otherwise, excellent grammar and wording.
Thanks for stretching my imagination and making me think.
Pumpkin
From Read & Review.
A very funny story. Your character has a lot of support which speaks to her personality. I'm surprised you didn't mention her feet swelling or sweating in this predicament.
As far as the form goes, it went well, dialogue and all. Punctuation is the only weak spot I noticed. I belive there should be a comma in front of and behind "please", since it's really an aside and not essential to her question in the second paragraph. There are a few ryb0=-on sentences that could be fixed with a comma or semi-colon, depending on your phrasing.
Good story.
Hi, I can relate to this Read & Review poem. Some things you just have to have, like it or not, some things you just want to have and want now! Credit card balances are scary with late fees, over-limit fees, and regular interest! I pay mine off every month. If I can't pay, I don't charge. It's only for convenience or to get the rewards they offer.
You have dealt with this in a non-lecturing way. It's cute and light-hearted. You've made good points without being didactic.
Found you on Read & Review.
Interesting story. Great attention to descriptions. Well-written, clean, precise. I like the outcome; there is no commentary on either side, no judgment is made. It's like physical description and facts only. Excellent salute to the military. Good job.
From Read and Review
This is a completely relatable story. We can see and understand a kindergartener rebelling against a teacher and not understanding what she has done wrong. We can appreciate the patience and wisdom of the mother.
Nice story, no suggestions.
What a cute poem. I found it in Read and Review. We can't always believe our eyes, though we may wish we could.
The only suggestion I might make would be a comma after the word sure. It would give us permission to breathe and maybe another after wrong, like a parenthetical expression. It sort of reminds me of a Randy Newman song. His lyrics often sound like conversation.
From Read and Review...
Now this poem really addressed me on a personal level. it spoke to me. I am having health issues and feeling sorry for myself as I go downhill. I have forgotten how blessed I have been and how well I have been doing in adverse circumstances. Thank you so much for this poem. I hope you continue to inspire others with your gracious outlook.
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