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1
1
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi iggyg85 !

Here is a review for your poem "Angels of Hell: Tales of the Horsemen" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" . *Burstv*This is a review for "The Official Mod Review Blitz!" .*Burstv*

*Flagb*Please take this review as only one reader's opinion. Take anything from this review that will help you, and leave the rest behind.*Flagb*

*LeafY*Title:*Leafg* An interesting title that should catch people's attention. I see nothing there to change.

*Leaf2br*Structure:*Leaf2r* The piece is formatted nicely, with plenty of space between each poem to give the reader's eyes a break. Also, I hope it's okay if I only mention the first three poems in this review. I'd like to review all of them, but I don't have the time or space to do that here. Just a suggestion, if you want to get more reviews, you could just keep all these poems together in a folder or book item instead. Or you could keep it like this and do one of those. It's up to you.

*Leaf*Content:*Leafr* Starting with the first poem ... the very first line sucked me in. Rain falling from a cloudless sky? It took a bit for my head to get wrapped around that, and once it did I wanted to read more. The last line is good ending line, one that points forward to the next poems, wanting us to know how the end comes about. The second poem gives us a picture of men who seem to be no longer human, killing without shame. Something about the two lines starting with "They kill..." helped emphasize the fact that they are ruthlessly killing without mercy. And the third poem I think was my favorite of these three. It describes a very sad story but it tells the story well. Just one suggestion with this one, it does get plenty long to read with one line after the other like that. Maybe leave a space between each stanza? You do a wonderful job at showing the foolishness of the people, and the regret the chief must have felt at the end.

*Leaf2g*Suggestions:*Leaf2y* In the third poem, I would change these two things: elders & wives. Instead you should probably write it out to say "elders and wives". Also, this: The warrior underestimates the aged chief.
He knocks the warrior's spear away with his shield While reading this, it isn't very clear who knocks away the warrior's spear. Maybe change 'he' to 'who'?

*Leafo*Things I Liked:*Leafbr* I'll pick my favorite line from each poem. The first: Black rain falls from a cloudless sky, I think I mentioned it before but I loved this because it made me want to know more since usually rain doesn't fall from a cloudless sky. They kill with their bloodstained hands. Again, I mentioned it before but what can I say? It's my favorite line! And the third: There he sat until he passed away,
With the thousand yard stare in his eyes. Okay, so that was two lines. But I liked them both. I'm not sure if I can say why, except that they were the last two lines of an awesome poem.

This collection of poems was a pleasure to read, even though I didn't have time for all of them. I hope you'll keep writing them because I enjoyed reading them!
Write on!
Jali

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2
2
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Shawlyn !

Here is a review for your story "Survival of the Strongest (Re-Write)" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" ! *Smile*

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*Leaf2o*Title:*Leaf2g* Nice title. What really stands out is your awesome summary. A great hook for catching more readers!

*Leafbr*Plot:*Leafo* Usually, I like a story where the first paragraph is some kind of action, or at least dialogue. With this one, though, I didn't mind that there was neither of those too. The mysterious, almost haunting style it is written in sucked me in to the next paragraph - and that one kept me reading to the next and so on till suddenly I was at the end. This is the kind of story I enjoy - just reading through without sudden stops because of problems or awkward spots. And the ending was plain awesome - way to make me smile! *Laugh* As far as ways to improve the plot part of this story, I can honestly say I've got nothing for you.

*Leaf2br*Characters:*Leaf2r* Wow. I never would have guessed it, to tell you the truth. There are plenty of hints, if I would have known just what to look for. But since I didn't, when I found out the truth about Sammy, Simon, Michael, and how the three were combined into one person, I had to go back and read it again, this time seeing how it all fits together. Before I knew that, though, I was wondering why Simon acted so heartless, not even caring about Michael falling into the cavern. The part about him pushing Sammy in was more understandable, but still surprising. But you do a good job of explaining all of that with the ending of the doctor talking to the students.

*Leafr*Punctuation*Leafy* Just one thing to mention here. the very air and rock; I’M GOING TO TRY... I'm not totally sure, but I think that should be a period after 'rock', instead of a semicolon.

*Leaf2y*Suggestions:*Leaf2o* Maybe I'm picking too hard, but writing in all caps drives me nuts. I have to admit it does a good job of conveying how loud the voice was though. And I can't really think of a better way to do that. So I guess my suggestion is to let it that way anyway, unless you can think of something better. Hopefully you're smarter with that than I am. *Rolleyes*
One other thing: kneels by the edge looking down. Searching for any sign Instead of a period, there should be a comma there and 's' shouldn't be capitalized. The way it is now, the second sentence can't stand alone.
Also, the first two paragraphs are written in present tense. Then, the third paragraph switches to past tense, until at the seventh (if I counted right) it goes back to present. I'm guessing you just messed up there for a little, and it's understandable. I've done that way too many times. It is a little awkward though until the reader figures out what' happening. It wasn't a big deal for me, but for some people it would be and you probably want to change that.

*Leaf*Things I Liked:*Leafg* The second paragraph, the one that started with this: The light is now bright enough to examine my confederates in more detail. The first time I read it, it didn't really stand out, but after knowing how the story ends this paragraph suddenly becomes a big part of the story. I also can't say enough how I loved the ending. “My name is Simon.” All through the story, almost everything is more of a serious, trying-to-survive thing, and then you get to the ending and it makes it so much more funny when everything else in the story was sober and intense.

Although I had some suggestions for you, this story could almost get 5 stars from me. But since there are a few little issues to fix up, I'm giving it a 4.5. Still, I just want you to know that I did enjoy this story, and enjoyed it a lot! It was fun reviewing it, and hopefully it's okay that this one was longer than usual. Have an awesome day!
Write on!
~Jali

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3
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, I just read your "My Stars! What Does That Mean?"  after seeing it on the "By Online Authors" sidebar. Even though I only have time to do a short review, I wanted to let you know how much I liked it. I love the title, that's why I clicked on it in the first place, since I usually don't read stuff from there unless it really catches my eye.

The brief "chatting-with-a-friend" style you used made it easy to read. I especially liked the positive way you looked at all the ratings, helping to see the good side of things. This is some advice I can definitely use when I get a low rating or negative review. Awesome job here, this piece really rocks! *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Write on!

~Jali

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4
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi cheshire !

Here is a review for your poem "A Voice in the Wind" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

*Flagb*Please take this review as only one reader's opinion. Take anything from this review that will help you, and leave the rest behind.*Flagb*

*LeafY*Title:*Leafg* A great title, it fits the poem and describes it well.

*Leaf2br*Structure:*Leaf2r* Not much to say here, obviously free verse structure. I thought the flow of this poem was especially good, and the rhythm kind of reminded me of the wind - slow at some times and fast at others.

*Leaf*Content:*Leafr* I've always enjoyed reading your poems and this one is no exception. I think you chose some very beautiful and vivid words in this one. But it seems like I'm missing something. Is there a deeper meaning hidden in this poem? The poem seems to be at least partly about the world being changed by humans. It still feels like something else is there though. Anyway, enough on that. I like the way your words take my mind to different places. For example, reading the first line made me feel like I was standing on a cliff on a mountain, the wind whistling around me. The third line brought the image of waves crashing on the beach to my eyes.

*Leaf2g*Suggestions:*Leaf2y* In my opinion, this poem is awesome as it is! I don't have any suggestions that would improve it.

*Leafo*Things I Liked:*Leafbr* My favorite line: Bowing to the voice they shudder and shake, finally crumbling to dust. Because you described it so well, I could picture it even though I've never seen something like mountains crumbling. Strengthening, the wind turns into a raging river Loved this description as well.

Keep up the awesome poetry! I really enjoyed this one.
Write on!

Jali

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5
5
Review of Good and Evil  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi cheshire !

Here is a review for your poem "Good and Evil" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" , and sorry for taking this long to get to your poem.

Please take this review as just one writer's opinion. If you disagree with what I say, please feel free to ignore it. This review is meant to help and not to hurt.

Title: A title that is true to the poem, and doesn't need any changes in my opinion. The summary is a good window into what's coming in the poem.

Structure: Free verse, six stanzas of four lines each. The first stanza and the third line in the last stanza are longer lines, but since it's free verse it's not a big issue. While reading through it, I didn't even notice. What matters more is the flow of the poem. I do think it might improve the flow to split up the first stanza into two, but that's just my opinion. There's enough big words in there that it kind of slowed down the poem for me - it might be different for other readers.

Content: The first part of the poem is the sad one - about evil spreading and innocent children learning and becoming evil. The second part is a happy one, about the children who learn from their parents when they are young, to stand up against evil. Your choice of words like whisper, grows, sprout, swells, moves, and races show the spread of evil in a very real way, reminding me of a ripple starting in the middle of a crowd of people (or puddle of water) and gradually spreading to the edge.

Suggestions: Just one: Knowledge fathers dreams, dreams that build the future. I could not figure out what in the world this line meant, until just after I copied and pasted it here I realized that "fathers" is a verb instead of a noun here. So at least I did finally get it; however, you might still want to change it in case more people would be confused.

Things I Liked: Good speaks softly, but with unrelenting force. Usually it doesn't make sense for something to talk softly and with force at the same time, but here it does. The whisper turns into cannon shot in crowds. This was my favorite line of the poem. Great description.

Jali

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Review of Ava  
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Fredrik !

Welcome to Writing.com and "Let's help each other grow- Closed" ! Here I am with a review for your story "Ava" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* Your title works for the story. It could be better, but it could be worse. And while the summary is fine too, I think you might want to try something that will catch people's attention and describe the story better. Maybe something about being stuck up in the tower, and something that lets the reader know what time period this is. (I was a bit confused because at first I thought this was set in recent times, but later I realized that wasn't the case.) Here's my suggestion, just an example of the many creative things you could come up with for the summary: "Trapped on top of a water tower, can Ava and her dog escape their pursuer at the bottom?" If you don't like that idea, it's okay, but if you want to you can use it.*Smile* Sorry, I don't usually get so long-winded on the title!

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* Your style of writing made this fun and easy to read through. Although most times I don't like when stories shift from one tense to another, I liked that you wrote the last part in present tense. It made the story seem more intense, and increased the suspense level. When I reached the end, I wanted to scream! I want more! Seriously, you better finish this or I'll come flying through my laptop to force you into writing more! *Bigsmile* Okay, so the last sentence wasn't true. But still, I feel like I need to keep reading. What happens next? You make me want to know.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* Ava really came to life for me in this story. The language you use, even the figures of speech and descriptions make sense from a child's point of view. You never actually said her age, but I am picturing her as being about ten. I love the way you show that not everything is going okay, with the stuff about overhearing her parents, and the little hints about how they moved from their other village, how she's missing her friends, not having enough food, and stuff like that. You never actually say what's going on though, which makes me really curious. So like I said in the section above, what it all comes down to is I loved it and you need to write more! Curiosity killed the cat, you wouldn't want me to die because of you, would you?? *Laugh*

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* I didn't pick through the story to be sure everything was correct, but there were no glaring errors that I noticed.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* Nope, nothing I haven't already said.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* Where do I start? I'll just copy a few of my favorite things. There weren’t any new cities, but some places weren’t there anymore, and other cities were abandoned. About the time I got to this sentence, I began to realize that this story is set in the future, and I like that this story shows how something (a war, etc.) happened. Dusk moves its graphite pencil over the landscape I loved this vivid personification of dusk. Kadie growls. My favorite part of my story is everything after the last *. You paint a picture with your words, I could feel the wind blowing and see the moon shining through the moving clouds. With all of that, you set up an eerie scene, making me ready for something to happen. When Kadie growls, it's the beginning of something bad, and I could feel it.

You may be a newbie to this site, but I can tell you're not new to writing! This story - this is the type of story I love. If this were the beginning of a book, I would sit down and read it right now even though I have other stuff I need to do. I can't praise it enough, so I'll stop now. *Bigsmile* Keep up the awesome stories!
Write on!
~Jali

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7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi MiB !

Here is a review for your story "Cyanide and Happiness" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* I like the title you chose, and I'm guessing you got it from the comic strip? It fits the story anyway. The summary is good as well - it describes the story and stirs the interest of potential readers.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The plot is simple and easy to follow. The story held my interest the whole way through. While reading the first sentence, I almost started thinking this might be kind of boring, but that soon changed. I read the last part of the first paragraph (the first thing I muttered was “Well-played, you sonuvabitch.”) Huh? His brother just died and that's what he says? From then on, you had me hooked. There was just one rough spot for me: the word 'sprightly'. I had to look it up to see for sure what it meant. But obviously, that was just my problem. Once I knew what the word meant, it was fine there.


*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* Even though he was terribly cynical and negative, I loved the main character. It wasn't like I felt very attached to him though, because at the end I wasn't sad. Instead, I actually laughed. *BigSmile* There's just something about your style of writing that I love - it's so witty, sarcastic, and just fits this story perfectly. You did an awesome job with the dialogue too, making me smile more than once. The goldfish was an interesting touch that I enjoyed.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* Good job there, and I didn't notice any problems.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* No suggestions!

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* several days before this hilariously harrowing news, Made me smile.*Smile* It really was very good Scotch. I like how you repeat him thinking that it's good Scotch. Somehow it made me think more of that glint in his brother's eye. I was right. *Wink* And last but not least, my very favorite: In my shock, I swallowed. You know how to make me laugh!*Laugh* I LOVED that ending. One that I was totally not expecting, and so hilariously tragic at the same time! Awesome ending!

When you posted this story in my review request forum, you said you would like to know if other writers think you can write. This is what I have to say - Yes, you can! If you can write a story as good as this one, you can write in my opinion. It's not every day that I give something five stars. Keep up the great writing, and if you ever want more reviews don't be afraid to ask!

Write on!
~Jali
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Review of Fades  
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Shawlyn !

Here is a review for your story "Fades" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* Excellent title. I love one-word titles like this one; they're the kind that grab my attention and make me curious about the story. They don't usually give too much away either, leaving room for my imagination to guess what's coming next. Nice job with this one!

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* I think you've done a great job on the plot part of this story. It was a long story, but you kept me reading the whole way through for the most part. One spot that kind of messed me up is when Rondel dies. First it's like he's got a broken leg, but he'll be okay, and then all of a sudden he's saying his last words. It might be better to show that he's dying in the first place so you don't throw your reader's for a loop when they find out he has more than just a broken leg. The other thing I had a problem with might actually be a good thing for this story because it's sci-fi. I love sci-fi, until you get into all the technical explanations and stuff. Then my brain basically just tunes out. That's kind of the way it went about the time Elador is talking to Artos. Not all readers are like me, so I'm not sure if that's a big problem.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* For being the main character, it's surprising how little I know about Elador. The name is one thing you should look at. For the first part of the story, he is referred to as Elador. Later, he is called Elidor. I don't know if that was a mistake or not, but I would switch it so that he has the same name all the time. My preference is Elador, but go with whatever you like best. I also would have liked to know more about what Elador looked like, and even some mroe of what he was thinking throughout the story.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* No errors as far as I could tell

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* I'm probably more picky about this than some people, but for a story as long as this one I'd suggest increasing the font size a bit. It can get tedious reading that small print on a laptop screen otherwise.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* During the daylight hours the buildings give off an iridescent sheen like light reflecting from a soap bubble, which complements the dark green of the many parks and trees dispersed amongst them. I like how you describe the buildings with a good simile that helped me to picture them. whose heat twisted skeleton is surrounded by a seething stream of red, orange, yellow and gold, which is flecked with the black of cooling rock. Just reading this made me wince - your word choice here shows how hot it really is.

I enjoyed reading your story. I hope this review is helpful to you. Keep up the great writing!
Write on!

~Jali
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Review of Parting Ways  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ~WhoMe???~ !

Here is a review for your story "Parting Ways" . This is the first of two reviews for your package in "Invalid Item" 

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* After reading the story, I love that title! Before I read the story, though, it didn't really stand out to me; it looked more boring and generic. For someone who only sees the title and summary, the story probably won't look like something as worth while reading as this one was. So in summary, before reading the story it doesn't look like much. If you do read the story, it's an awesome title.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* Since the summary said this was a contest entry, I scrolled to the bottom to see if there was a prompt before reading. So, I kind of ruined it by knowing the whole time that this was a piece of clothing. But in a way I liked knowing that, because I probably would have been too confused while reading the story to fully enjoy it. Also, knowing that kept me hooked, as well as wanting to find out how the friendship between the two was ruined. The first sentence is a good way to start, hinting right at the beginning that something is going wrong. The flow was great, no big bumps to hinder my reading. The ending verified what I had already guessed had happened, and left me feeling satisfied and glad I had read the story.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* I like how the jeans seem like a real person, and yet you can tell that it's just a piece of clothing. I felt a tinge of pity for Cindy, but mostly just what it was like from the jeans' point of view - that she should have known something like that would happen. There is something that confused me though. You wrote She had just told Cindy that she and I would be going with Trevor, so I thought that Cindy was the friend she talks to on her blue-tooth. So when I read this, it confused me. I tuned out my date, and listened to Cindy coo and fawn over Trevor. For the rest of the story, the girl wearing the jeans is referred to as Cindy, so I'm guessing the name was meant for her. The name of her friend should be changed to something different so future readers don't get the two mixed up.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* For some reason, the comma in this sentence didn't feel quite right. It wasn't the first time her, and I have not seen eye to eye. If you want to keep the comma there, I would suggest putting another one after the word 'I'. As far as I can tell, there is really no need for the comma though. Besides that, I didn't notice any problems.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* None that I haven't already mentioned

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* In the end, I usually gave in and let her win, but only after I made her work for it. Knowing that the narrator of this sentence is a pair of jeans, made me smile at the picture it brought to my mind. Favorite or not, we are parting ways, just as I parted the seam and left her derriere to hang in the wind. A humorous and creative comparison.

Thank you for the privilege of reading this story. I really enjoyed it, and I had only a few suggestions. Keep up the great work!
Write on!
~Jali

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10
10
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Luke Rian !

Here is a review for your story "Harrowing News on the Road" . You reviewed one of my stories and I'm here to return the favor. *Smile*

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* A good title to describe the story, and the summary is good too.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The first paragraph introduces the main character and describes the setting well. The sentence describing the different travelers does get a little tedious, and you might be better off breaking it into two or three parts. This seems to be the start of a longer story, or part of a larger work. Still, you did a good job of showing what was happening and not dumping a huge load of information on the reader, while still making it easy enough to understand the story. This piece of the story left me wanting more. The last sentence is a very good hook that would have made me read the next part of the story if it was on the site.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* For the most part, Meran was a well-written character. However, he did raise some questions in my mind. There was just one thing that puzzles me, and that is Meran's age. In the beginning paragraph, it seems as if he is a grown man, thinking back to the Fall and the years right after it. But then he thinks about the incident with Roan, and it almost seems like he is still a boy looking back on it. I'm guessing he is grown up though, and not a boy any longer. The other thing I was wondering about is what was Meran doing just watching the travelers pass? I suppose that question might be answered later on in the story, but it seems funny for someone like him to be sitting watching travelers when he could be working. Also, I have to say I enjoyed Uzzers and his sons. While their dialogue was strange, I could still understand it. They brought a smile to my face while at the same time making me wonder what they were up to. And Tortuga, although I don't think you ever say it outright, appeared to be some kind of elder or leader that Meran looked up to. I like that you showed that by Meran thinking how he needs to ask Tortuga about the leaves, or tell him about the hunters being ambushed.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* Great job, I didn't notice any errors.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* Maybe keep writing this? *BigSmile*

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* He could finally distinguish their facial features from arms length -- the widest one with the largest, most ragged, and pointiest ears was the leader, and his scabbard dragged on the ground from time to time. His skin was thick and pocketed with scars, from face to his legs. A good description of the leader that I could picture in my head. Uzzers gave a hardy laugh, which shook the air around them. When he finished, there was a sad gleam in his eye. I like that Uzzers could laugh even though he was worried about something, plus it kind of shows that he isn't the big bad bounty hunter he appeared to be.

I enjoyed reading and reviewing this story and I hope to read more of it in the future. Have a great day!
Write on!
~Jali
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11
11
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi READ+WRITEFOREVER !

Here is a review for your story "Pure Pain, a Teen Titan Fan Fiction" . Thank you for requesting a review in "Invalid Item" , and sorry for taking so long to send this review.

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* A good title, letting the reader know that this is a fanfiction. I liked the summary too, since it asks a question that makes you want to read the story and find out the answer.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* First off, I have to say that I've never watched Teen Titan and barely know anything about it, so some stuff I'm saying here could be irrelevant. Since I don't know the characters, it was kind of hard to get into such a short story. Maybe you could give the reader more details, show exactly what happened, especially what made Starfire so upset. For someone like me who doesn't know the story, it was kind of hard to follow, however most people reading fanfiction are probably reading it because they like the original thing, and so they might be able to understand it.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* At the very beginning, the story appears to be in first person, from Starfire's point of view. Then after the first paragraph it switches to third person. After reading back over it, I think the first paragraph should be in italics, since it's what Starfire is thinking, and that might help to show that it's not actually in first person. Also I would have liked to know more about the person who made Starfire so upset. And was it Robin, Slade, or Batman that made her so mad? You do a good job of showing her emotions by her thoughts, her words, and her crying. I felt sorry for her, and was sad to see the ending.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* For the most part you did a decent job, however there are some places that need quotation marks. When you're editing, remember that whenever someone is saying something, you need quotation marks around it.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* My main suggestion is just to expand the story, make it longer, include more details so the reader can grasp better what is happening.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* Raven realized she had messed up, to the point of no return. I liked that Raven cared so much about her friend and tried to help her accept what happened, even though in the end she wasn't much help. And like I said before, I liked how you showed Starfire's pain by how she acted.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better review, and I wish I would know more about Teen Titans, so that I could help you more. Keep writing!
Write on!
~Jali
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12
Review of Charming  
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Vacant Vagrant !

Here is a review for your story "Charming" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* The short one-word title is good for grabbing the attention of people like me, and it fits the story well enough in my opinion. The summary is good, it tells a little bit of what the story is about, although I have to admit when I read the story it was a bit different than what I was expecting.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The start of the story is okay, although it could be better. You could start with a little more action, maybe have Lane dancing in the surf since he's so excited, or just something more exciting. It does help to start with dialogue, it's just if you want to make it even better. As soon as I knew what was going on, you kept me wondering whether Selena would welcome him or not. I have to admit that the last scene in the story was confusing to me, and I wasn't quite sure what exactly was going on. It could be just my problem, but I would like to see more of what is going on that Mr.Lane needs so much support, and what the connection is to the rest of the story. I would suggest ending the story at the spot where Sands plunges into the surf, but that might not be the best idea either.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* I would have liked to know more about Selena, and why she and Lane were separated for so long. Lane seemed very eager, so much that I thought maybe he was getting set up to be majorly disappointed. I was glad to see that he wasn't though. Sands made me curious, I would like to know why Lane needed his help to go to Selena's house, and why he was so grumpy about it. He had an interesting sense of humor that I enjoyed.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* Great job there, I didn't notice any errors.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* Nothing I haven't already said.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* “I seem to remember discussing that with you in one of two places: at a strip club, or at a race track. I liked this because it made me smile.*Smile* It might be that she was watching them, and it might not. A shiver along his spine made him think that the former was more likely. The main reason I liked this was because it gave me a little hint of what was happening, and it was the kind of thing that made me anxious to keep reading.

I enjoyed the story, and I hope this review was helpful in some way. Have a great day!
Write on!
~Jali

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13
13
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi cheshire !

Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" . Here is a review for your poem "Arlington National Cemetery" . Please take this as just one person's opinion, and don't be afraid to disagree.

Title: The title is great, as well as the summary, both giving a glimpse of what the poem is about.

Structure: I liked how the poem was in free verse, but still had an organized feel to it. The repetition in the second, third, and seventh stanzas were a nice touch to the poem.

Content: The poem is full of respect and honor for those who died serving our country. Since I have been at Arlington National Cemetery, I can picture the poem even better than someone who hasn't been there. It felt like you were putting into words what I couldn't describe - the solemn peace and dignity of people paying their respects to the people who died protecting them.

Suggestions: No suggestions, you've done a great job.

Things I Liked: To be honest, I loved the whole poem! I liked it so much I'm having a hard time describing it. If I were to pick my favorite stanza, though, it would probably be this one: The wind carries the whisper.
Whispers carry the message.
The message is the silence of respect.
You've done a fabulous job with this poem in my opinion, with nothing worth changing. I wish I would have read this sooner. Keep up the great writing!
Write on!
Jali

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14
14
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shawlyn !

Here is a review for your story "With Apologies to Robert Louis Stevenson" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" 

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* Nice title for the story, although it doesn't give much idea of what happens in the story, it does do a good job of catching your attention.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* I like how you mixed those two prompts to create a very interesting tale. I never would have expected the ending, although when I read the story for the second time I noticed a few hints I didn't think about the first time. The story flowed smoothly for the most part. One thing I did notice was there was a lot of description for each new character in the story. It's nice to know what the characters look like, and I especially enjoyed the description of Blind Pew. But the problem is it tends to slow the story down if there is too much description. I know because I sometimes have the same problem. *Wink* You might want to cut out some of the descriptions of more minor characters, or at least make them more brief.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* My favorite character in this story was probably Blind Pew, or maybe the pirate. I would have liked to have more of a main character in this story. I think it would have made it easier to follow. At the beginning, I thought it would be Blind Pew, since he was the first person mentioned, but he disappears after the first scene. If it couldn't be him, could it maybe be John Silver? I do like the part about the boy though, and it would kind of ruin the story if the reader knew about him. So I don't really know how it could work, unless you make the boy be blind and follow him throughout the story... don't know how that would work though. Anyway sorry I kind of went off on a bunny trail there..*Blush*
The funny thing is that although John Silver seems to be a pirate I felt more like I wanted him to trick the other guys even if he was stealing. (At least I think he was...)

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* You've done a great job here, and I didn't spot any errors.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* None that I haven't mentioned already.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I really loved the description of Pew, especially this part: Leather trousers two sizes too big, were held up by a knotted, frayed rope and completing the outfit, a pair of boots which had never been cleaned or seen polish and were thickly caked with mud. This made me smile when I realized how John Silver was tricking them: all they will find is rocks.
Good luck with this contest entry! I really enjoyed the story. Have a great day.
Write on!
~Jali

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15
15
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Shawlyn !

Here is a review for your story "Death is Only a Bullet Away - (Re-Write)" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" , and sorry for taking so long to get to it.

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* This is a title I like. Not only does it give a glimpse of what's going on in the story, but it also is a great attention-grabber.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The flow of the story was very natural, almost like the main character was standing in front of me telling the story. When I was reading the flashback, towards the middle I was trying to decide if it was still telling what had happened before or what was happening now. However once I got to the end I understood and everything made sense.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* Taylor held up very well to being shot and going right back to the job. To me, it almost seemed like he held up too well, although he does say he is tough, but he must have been very tough. Also, would the doctors let him go back on the job with such a dangerous situation? I also would have liked to see more of what he was thinking throughout the story, to get his perspective since he is the main character.

*FlowerY*Punctuation/Grammar*FlowerY* "Okay Taylor. Should have a comma after "okay". Whenever you have one character saying another's name when talking to them, you need a comma before and after the name. You might want to check through the story for a few more of those. Besides that little problem, I didn't see any other punctuation or grammar problems.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* Just one, you might want to change the content rating to ASR since he shoots someone. Although I'm not sure if you have to for that or not.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* You had me hating his boss, so when this happened it made me smile. Turning my head to the side, I vomited over his shoes. I also enjoyed the ending. Way to surprise me!
I saw this is a contest entry, so good luck in whichever contest it is! Have a great day!
Write on!
~Jali

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16
16
Review of Savior our Lord  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Seabreeze !

Here is a review for your poem "Savior our Lord" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

This review is meant to help you improve your piece even more, and not to hurt in any way. It is only my opinion and you can take what you want and leave the rest.

Title: A great title that I don't see any reason to change. The summary gives a good description of what is coming in the poem.

Structure: I've never written a sestina, so I looked up the form. As far as I can tell, you did fine with using the correct words, at least in the first six stanzas. The last stanza's structure is confusing to me, so I can't help you there. But for what appears to be a hard poem to pull off, I think you've done a good job with the structure.

Content: The rhythm of the poem kind of gave it a light and bouncy mood, almost carefree. Yet the message is more serious, to pray and listen to God. Although it might seem like those two things don't mix, I like it. For some reason it reminds me of a gospel song. *Smile* Even though I was reading it, it almost felt like I was listening to a song.

Suggestions: The only suggestion I have is to look at the last stanza again and make sure it follows the rules for a sestina. I would help you if I could but it's confusing to me; however I don't think it's quite like it's supposed to be yet.

Things I Liked: I liked how you answered the questions asked in the previous stanzas with this one "I have come to earth to be your Savior.
Be quiet, listen and hear. and the following one. And like I said before, I liked the light, easy to read style the poem has.
I think you did a good job for the first attempt at a sestina, which seems to be a difficult poem to write. Keep up the great writing!
Write on!
Jali

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17
17
Review of Vacant and Void  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi scribblin’ scribe !

Here is a review for your poem "Vacant and Void"  Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" . This review is meant to help you as a writer and not to hurt in any way. Don't be afraid to disagree with what I say.

Title: The title is okay, I like the alliteration. My only problem with it is vacant and void kind of mean the same thing. But it describes the poem well and the summary is great.

Structure: This doesn't really apply since it's written in free verse. I do like how you start each stanza with "Here I stand". It gives a nice repetitious feel to the poem and it matches the mood in a way.

Content: The use of words like groan, cavernous, echo, yearning, and lots more work together to give this poem a sort of eerie, empty feel. The perfect feel for an abandoned house. I like how you look at this from the perspective of the empty house. I also like the way you describe the house and its feelings in the first and last stanzas and in the others you describe what is going on inside it.

Suggestions: Crayola should probably be capitalized since it's the name of a company. Also Gardner's should be Gardener's. I don't know if this is a problem, but the second-to-last stanza got kind of long for me. Since the others are all shorter you might want to make that one shorter too.

Things I Liked: As my rafters, gone batty, audibly groan their displeasure. I liked this because I like that gone batty could either mean going crazy or that there were bats in the rafters. I like how the house wishes for people, even children who make a mess of the place. and silently scream for a fresh cloak of semi-gloss adorned with crayola masterpieces and sticky hand prints.

I enjoyed reading this poem and I'm glad you asked me to review it. Have a great day.
Write on!
Jali

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18
18
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi General PGT Beauregard !

Here is another review for your story "The North and the South" . Thank you for asking me to review it again.

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* A good title and summary, no problems that I can see.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* I can see that you have improved the first paragraph since the last time I read this story. There is one small error - the last sentence can't stand by itself because there is no subject, only the verb "wounded". But that can easily be fixed by placing a comma after "battalions" and removing the period and capitalized w. Other than that, I don't have any suggestions on it.
The story flowed smoothly enough and it was not so confusing to me what was happening. I can tell you've been working on this piece, and improved it.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* It was definitely easier to tell whose point of view the story was told from this time. However, there were still a few spots that I wasn't quite sure at first. I'm not sure how you can fix that, except maybe to make the changes less often. I do like it that you can see what is happening from both points of view though.


*FlowerY*Punctuation:*FlowerY*I've listed a few errors in the comments below. I think you did well with punctuation for a longer story like this one.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR*Here's a couple of line-by-line comments for you, with my suggestions in purple.
He walked at the column
Did you mean "head of the column"?

blue uniformed soldiers
blue-uniformed soldiers

a cold blooded heartless killer, soon at around 1900 hours in the morning,
I'd suggest separating that sentence into two different ones, with a period after "killer".

Their roared reached to the enemy lines.
I'm guessing this should be "roar".

For hours they kept on fighting. From the end of the rifle, to the sword clashing with the bayonet. Kenneth fought viscously, dashing at Ned as he had no defence against him.
Do you mean Kenneth and Ned fought against each other for hours? Sorry, this paragraph wasn't clear to me, but it seemed like that's what it meant. I don't know how two soldiers could be fighting between themselves for hours though without one of them being killed.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* This was one of my favorite paragraphs: Then the sound of horns rippled throughout the camp. Soldiers hustled and hurried to get their battle stations. Sergeants shouted orders as a sea of blue uniformed battalions massed. Calvary jumped in and out of the camp, the officers blowing the horns as loud as they could. And I really enjoyed reading about the Civil War from both sides.

I hope this review is helpful to you in some small way. Sorry for making you wait so long, I wish I would've had time to make this review longer. I enjoyed reading your story!
Write on!
~Jali

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19
19
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi RisanF !

Here is a Paper Doll Gang Rockin review for your story "Different and Cool- Love's a Polygon" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* A great title that would probably catch my attention if I was searching your port for something to read. The summary is good too, giving a small hint of what's coming in the story.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The story is long enough that I can't comment on everything, but I'll just give you a few. First, I like that you start and end with Tarah's journal entries. It gives a nice view of what Tarah thinks of what is happening. I haven't read the whole story (though I would like to if I find the time) but thanks to your explanation before the story I was able to understand what was happening. I like how you build up the conflict, starting with the incident on the playground, then someone bothers Tarah, and then even worse, they tease someone because of Tarah. Obviously she is feeling miserable about that, when she sees Andy with Mari, which makes her even more miserable than before. Then finally things start to get better. The part of the story where I felt the most worried about what would happen is when she saw Andy and Mari. To me, that was the lowest point, and after that everything started getting better.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* Andy is a very brave boy who isn't afraid to stand up for his friends. It seems as though he was once like Justin and Slick, but changed. I've got to admire him for treating Tarah as kindly as he did, and I'm afraid if I would have been in the same shoes as him I would have acted like all the other kids.
Although Tarah was smart about bugs, other than that she seemed kind of dumb to me. It almost felt like you overdid it, when you described the way she hurried out eagerly to show the bug to Andrew. Or maybe it's good, because if she acts like that it's almost a guarantee that they will mock her.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* You did a great job with punctuation. No errors that I could find.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I like how realistic the bullying was, for example things like this. "Whatcha got there, Terrible Tarah?" she said in a voice dripping with bad humor. "Some friends to keep you company on the long trip to Dorksville?" Also this description was really original. Her emotions were a tsunami coasting ever closer to the continental city. On Tuesday of the next week, it broke onto the mainland.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I hope this review is helpful to you.
Write on!
~Jali

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20
20
Review of The Ruby Coast  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rhodes13 !

Here is a Paper Doll Gang review for your story "The Ruby Coast" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* I like your title, since it's unique enough to catch people's attention. I'm not sure where the ruby coast was in the story, unless it had something to do with the gems they took from the other ship at the end. But it makes a nice title anyway. *Smile*

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* This was an exciting story about a battle between pirates and mercs. You kept me guessing who was going to win, right up until Golden John Long died. The first sentence was a good way to start, with dialogue and action. I like how you used the paragraph starting with ”Hard to say Captain. to show the background of the story rather than stopping the story action to throw a bunch of information at the reader.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* It wasn't really clear who the main character was in this story, at least to me. Point of view is a tough spot for me, but this seems to be written from the point of view of all the merc leaders, and at one or two spots even switches to John Long's point of view. While I do like being able to see what's happening from different characters' perspectives, it might connect your readers more to the story if they have one main character to identify with.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* Don't forget that when one person says something to another person, and then their name, you need a comma. Here's one spot where you forgot the comma. So you think we be clear yet sir?” In that sentence the comma should be between "yet" and "sir." If you read carefully over your story, you should find a few more of those errors needing fixed.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* It seems like there are a lot of times when you used all caps, when they were upset and yelling. It's not so bad to use all caps a time or two for emphasis, but with so many in one story it kind of defeats the purpose. You could take out most of them, but leave the ones that are especially emphatic.
Also, the content rating of E might be stretching it for this piece, since there is violence and fighting and people dying. It should probably be at least ASR, maybe 13+. But I'm not an expert on that, so I could be wrong.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I like Rhodes's quick thinking here. “Captain, have your men load ALL the guns, cannons, whatever you have, raise the flag to indicate plague on board and lower the sails.” I like the paragraph that starts Hours passed along with several dozen more chummings by poor Goon., mostly because you do such a good job of describing a not-so-pretty scene.
I enjoyed reading your story, and I hope this review is helpful to you.
Write on!
~Jali

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21
21
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi General PGT Beauregard !

Here is a Paper Doll Gang review for your story "The North and the South" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* You have a good title here that I don't see any reason to change. The summary is great too, giving a small idea of what's going on. The two together make something that I probably would have read if I was browsing your port, since I like reading about the Civil War.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* You start the story off by giving a lot of information about what's going on in the war. A better way to get your readers into the story would be to start with some sort of action, and mix in the background information later. I know with writing about history it's probably hard to let the reader know what's going on without telling them, but if you're like me I would rather not know everything that's going on then wade through a lot of facts to get to the real action.
About halfway through the story, all the characters and battles that were happening kind of got mixed up in my head. It's probably just because this story is longer than many, however you might want to make it just about one battle, so that it's shorter and easier to keep track of everything.
At one place in the story, you wrote four paragraphs, starting with this one As scores of Confederates died, more came to replace them. Then, you wrote the same paragraphs again, almost identical. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it didn't make much sense.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* I like that you showed what was happening from the point of view of both the Confederate and Union armies. However, it did get confusing sometimes who the main character was and the POV switches were often enough that they sometimes confused me. I would suggest at least putting some sort of divider between the different sections, and maybe making the changes between POV less frequent.
When Ned is talking to Bucky you somehow wrote Ked instead of Ned. Probably just a typo, but it had me confused for a bit. And about Bucky, some questions were popping into my head while I was reading. It seemed like he just appeared out of nowhere and decided to fight along with Ned. And the part about escaping to New York for his fortune didn't make any sense to me. Sorry if I'm overlooking something there, but Bucky kind of just muddled up the story for me.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* No big problems there

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I liked the paragraph starting with this sentence Ned gripped his rifle tightly., mostly because it was filled with action. Somehow I just liked this way of describing what was happening. Another volley shredded through the ranks of the Union soldiers.
I enjoyed reading this story, and with a good edit, it should be even better. Thanks for requesting a review!
Write on!
~Jali

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22
22
Review of Jumpers  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Hyperiongate !

Here is a Rising Stars member to member review for your story "Jumpers" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* I like your short and to the point title. There is a chance someone might confuse it to mean the kind of jumpers that you wear, but I don't think that's a big problem. And if you're like me, I like surprises like that.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The plot progresses nicely, and I didn't notice any spots that dragged. This story intrigued me the whole way through. The plot was very creative, something I would never have come up with from those prompts. The part about Ben and Leona was kind of distracting, with no real purpose in the story as far as I could tell. But if you had to use all the prompts, then I can understand why you included that part.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* One thing I liked was how I could read what Jasmine was thinking throughout the story. It helped me to connect with her better. But what bothered me was that she adapted to everything just fine. It was like she was perfect and nothing could stop her. If she didn't have a violent bone in her body before, it doesn't make sense for her to shoot the guy for no reason. Unless when the whole world changed, she changed too.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* No problems that I could find

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I loved your ending. Jasmine looked at the woman across the pink-walled bedroom and thought,Where the fuck am I? Also this sentence. Lisa fired her hand-cannon once and thought, Just like butter. You must have a good sense of humor. *Smile*
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your story. I hope the review was helpful in some way.
Write on!
~Jali

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23
23
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Shawlyn !

Here is the review you requested in "Invalid Item"  for your story "P.I.'s and Phantasms" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* I like the title you picked for this first chapter. It's unique enough for people to notice it, and I like how two things that don't seem at all related are put together. The summary, though, is what I really liked. It's a great hook, especially if you like reading stories about people gone missing as much as I do.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* The first paragraph of the story was, to me, kind of hard to read. There are two things you might want to do to improve it. The first three sentences are written in past tense (brought, began, became are all past tense verbs) but then the rest of the paragraph is written in present tense. The jump between the two really confused me at first. So if you don't want to confuse people, you should either make it all past or all present tense. I think I like present tense best for this, but it's up to you what you want. And if you don't get the tense thing, ask me and I'll try to help you more. The other thing that isn't as big of a deal, is you could split it up into two or three paragraphs to make it easier on people's eyes.
You also might want to put some sort of divider like a row of ~~~ or *** between the first and second paragraphs, because at first I thought the second paragraph was continuing the story in the first. All of that is up to you of course.
After the first paragraph, the flow was smooth, easy to read, and there was plenty of natural dialogue. No rough or boring spots to get hung up on.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* One thing I like is when characters don't have everything perfect, since it makes them seem real. I could see that in Flynn, the fact that he didn't get many jobs, he didn't have that much money, he was wounded.. and it made me feel more connected to him.
I like the picture you painted in my head of Rachel's grandmother, so much like a typical grandmother. And you have me really curious with those three look-a-likes.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* I’m looking for Mr. Flynn”. In this sentence the quotes and the period should be switched. If you look carefully over your story, you'll see that there are some more of those needing fixed up.

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* The only suggestion I have besides what I already said is to keep on with this. I think you have a neat idea that you should keep working on. If you do, I would love to read it!

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I like your humorous way of saying that he wasn't an experienced private eye with lots of cases. The sum total of my many cases consisted of the location of a missing pet (which I may say, ended successfully) and a divorce case (not so successfully). Also this is a good description (or maybe I should say a gross one..) resulting in my leg looking like raw hamburger.
I enjoyed this first chapter, and thanks for asking me to review it. All I can say is you got me hooked and I'll definitely be reading more if you write it.
Write on!
~Jali

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24
24
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi READ+WRITEFOREVER !

Here is a review you requested from "Invalid Item"  for your story "Live like you'll Die Tomorrow" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

*FlowerT*Title:*FlowerT* I like the title of this story. Usually I like shorter titles but this one I like even if it's longer. It caught my attention right away. One thing to fix up is you should capitalize the words "like" and "you'll", since they're both important words in the title. Other than that it's great.

*FlowerP*Plot:*FlowerP* I think your story teaches a good lesson here. Because the truth is no one knows when they will die, so you should make good use of your life. The short, blunt sentence you used to start the story was a nice hook. But one thing I like in a story is if it's believable or not. While it could happen that a woman would have only two months to live, it seems unlikely that it would happen just at the right time to be at the end of her story. Also, if she had two months left to live, then why did she die on that very first day after she found out? That was confusing to me, and my suggestion would be to change it that it happens on her last day to live. That way the story would be more believable. Also you might want to add some more things that she did in her last two months to live. You listed dyeing her hair bright red, her new clothes, and going to the children's hospital. You can make the story longer and more detailed.

*FlowerV*Characters:*FlowerV* Your main character was one who took the news that she was going to die very well. It almost seems unrealistic that she wouldn't be all upset and crying, but really since I was never in her shoes maybe that is how I would act. At any rate, she should be admired for not moping around and instead doing as much as she can before she dies. I like how the children respond to her hello. "Hiiiiiiiii!" They reply in their happy innocent tone. It just sounds so much like little children.

*FlowerY*Punctuation*FlowerY* All good as far as I could tell

*FlowerR*Suggestions:*FlowerR* None, really, except what I mentioned before.

*FlowerB*Things I Liked:*FlowerB* I like your description of how Dr. Kindle told her that she was going to die. That's what Dr. Kindle told me this afternoon, except he tried to sugar coat it.
I enjoyed reading this story, and I'm glad you asked me to review it. And welcome to WDC also. *Smile*
Write on!

~Jali

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Review of Summertime  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Julio Zacarias !

Here is a review for your poem "Summertime" . You can use these comments and suggestions in whatever way you wish. If you disagree with my opinion, then ignore it if you wish.

Title:The reason I read this poem was because of the title. I love summertime, it's my favorite season, and after reading the summary I could see that you enjoy it too. That made me decide to read the poem, and I'm glad I did.

Structure:You wrote at the top that this poem is a sonnet. I can see that you used the right number of lines, and the rhyme scheme was perfect. But from my (little) experience, sonnets usually use iambic pentameter. Reading over this poem, I can tell that it obviously does not use the iambic meter, or any meter. I don't think that really detracts from the poem, it's just that if it's a sonnet it should be written in iambic meter. (Unless I'm missing something here.)
You definitely have some original rhymes here. You know how some poems use all the same rhymes, but this one definitely doesn't. I especially liked the words "sunsets" and "magnets" in the second stanza. There were two rhymes, though, that to me seemed forced. Body and hobby, although I can see that they end a lot the same, don't really rhyme because only the last sound is the same. Although it can work and just be an imperfect rhyme, a perfect rhyme will sound better. The same way with earth - north, the very last sound is the same, but you need the last vowel sound to rhyme. Since the "er" and "or" sounds aren't the same, it's not a true rhyme. I understand though that it is hard to come up with good rhymes and I do like how most of your rhymes aren't the usual boring ones that a lot of people slap on their poems.

Content:Your poem conveys the warmth and happiness of lazy summer days, relaxing on the beach, being outside... and it makes me glad that it's summer right now. I like this simile We are attracted to the heat like magnets, especially with the rhyme I mentioned before. You also use plenty of descriptive words that made me feel like I was there: vibrant rays, tropical aura, azure texture, etc.

Things I Liked: The waves rest against the crystal shore
Azure texture fills the sky from coast to coast. Those first two lines just made me think "Take me to the beach right now!". I love the picture that puts in my head.
Thanks for helping me remember what a great season summer is! I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem.
Write on!
~Jali
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