I would say this is more of a Christmas card moment than a poem. Little constancy in syllable count, no rhyming scheme (but that’s true for free-form poetry, which this one kind of resembles.). It’s a bit confusing to read as such. Could use some work. Needs punctuation.
The message is a good one for the holidays. Being home is a good thing. Merry Christmas.
You have a knack for portraying the vagaries of nature in a unique way. I think you should continue on that road and mix poems like this with tidbits like "Sensing". Your obvious knowledge of the desert environment would stand well to such a series. It would make a good bedside companion. Really nice.
John
Wow, very hard hitting. Something I did not expect from you, and that made it all the more interesting. You do ahve a bit of a dark side capable of telling it like it is. Excellent!
Howdy, Iva. Been meaning to read more of your work, but I'm now on a really weird work schedule.
I really liked this poem. Strong start, It took us through a typical life, and ended with a smile. From the title to the end, a very easy read. Nice one.
John
Interesting take on the end of days. Some hard truths there.
As for the writing itself: the second paragraph is way too long. It could be broken sown into at least three paragraphs. That would make it more readable. Sometimes the shorter the paragraph, the easier it is to read.
It could be broken as such: first paragraph ends with, "recordable earthquakes." Second ends with,"4000 earthquakes.", and so on.
You have included personal feelings into this, and they should definetly be in their own paragraph. Hope this helps.
John
It seems I am destined to read stories today with a melancholy feel. Your description of the forest was excellent. The thoughts expressed were very good.
Some minor points: " All around me flakes were dancing with the wind" Then "nor a single movement in the cold and quiet world" They contradict each other. Combining them in a single sentence would end that.
"I continued on my path and at length left the wood(s) it took me through"
If this is your first story, I will be waiting to read your subsequent tales. You do have a talent. Thank you for sharing.
John
What an awesome golf story. It reminds me of when I was a kid in Culver City, playing a non-descript, three dollar a day course with my buddies, and trying to hit range balls into the coal cars of a passing train.
I got a putting lesson the Al Besselink during those sweet summer days: He became my hereo, natch
THanks for the great read and greater memories. If you ever get a chance, read a book called "Fast Greens", Better, in my opinion, than the legend of bagger vance.
Im not too sure the last two sentences are necessary. The poem itself says the whole thing, and does it very well. I like the emotion of the lines, don't get me wrong, but they don't fit the poem.
Very interesting poem, though. An excellent reminder of raising my first (and only) child. Nice.
Very interesting poem. I like the non-use of punctuation. It makes it a bit different each timwe you read it.
Just a slight adjustment needed:
"I'm filled with anger
I'll all a dream" I don't get the last line there. Did you mean "I'm all a dream"?
An excellent story. Well put together. Where I felt let down was in the telling. This could do with a ton more conversation. There was so much going on and the explanation left me kind of going, what?
Letting the reader know about the blindness earlier would have opened up many avenues for this story to take. As it is, the reader is left feeling like there was supposed to be more.
I understand what you were attempting, and sometimes it works out great, but his particular story, ii just didn't work. With added conversation, the understanding that the person woke up blind, and the thought process he went through would make this really good.
Hope this helps.
A dark, clearly written piece. I am one that enjoys reading something different, and this qualifies.
A couple of points:
"A damp towel for forefead" forehead.
"Not touch the Soul with the wound." I think, "Not touch the wound of the Soul" reads cleaner.
Also, comfort is used too frequently. Maybe, solace, soothe, ease?
Hmmm...I don't know if it qualifies as an ode, but It makes me want to question any liver I decide to eat, regardless of how many onions are smothering it)
I really don't have any suggestions on how to improve it. It was a fun read, but that's about it. Keep on writing)
I like this poem if only for the pictures it elicits. I know I've lain languid in bed and felt much the same things.
The title is a bit anticlimatic. I think it was too easy to call this that. The poem has a verying degree of moods and tones to it, so something with a little more ounch to it would draw the reader into it a bit more, I think.
Just the fact that we would be getting rid of any future Texas Prez's makes this a worthy proposition. That, and the taxing of C&W blimg . . . well . . . we're talking serious money.
And with the advent of Sirius radio, punk can then become the norm! Just think . . . . . mever mind.
Awesome write. I needed a good laugh, and this supplied it in spades. Excellent tight write.
I'm new to the site, so I don't know if this is allowed, but I put up a piece recently, distantly related, called Sam's Butt. If you got a minute?
jj
Very well written. I felt the horror Samuel felt, while he was crawling through the labyrinth. Tight, excellent pace. For a short story, there was much information included that was explained in a complete manner.
Well done.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jamminjohn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 11:40am on Apr 23, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
