That flying elephant was tempting, but a chocolate tree would be able to seed more trees and then I could make billions off of chocolate.
Yet, if I had a flying elephant, I could breed those and then sell flying elephants.
Do you think people would want to buy a flying elephant from me?
The most important problem is that you wrote [blank 1] incorrectly and therefore the first word chosen will not show.
You've picked one of the hardest stories to do a madlib about - one where it is non-fiction and the words the reader picks turns it to fiction.
This takes a very creative reader to make the story funny. (I really liked the line "Why do penguins SPIT when they walk?")
You may consider writing a madlib that applies to a single person (or penguin) and something that happens to them, that way it will be funny no matter what. It is important that the story isn't dependant on what the reader choses as words to fill in the blanks.
I liked how you gave each stanza a (sort of) heading, as in "The Rage, The Fury" or "The Pain, The Screaming." It really gives the poem a meaning that shows every effect. You did a very nice job with the rhyming. It is a little dark for my liking, but still was a very good piece.
You say that you see orchards where apples once swung, but don't apples grow in the fall?
Well, nice job on a classic summer-fall poem. But I think you are making it a little darker than it needs to be. Summer was not really murdered; it will be back again next year. Do you really hate fall that much?
Very well written though; it's just those few things that are questionable.
You did a nice job describing color - very vivid. But how does the forest smell? Can you strongly smell the pine needles? The rain? The deer droppings that you almost stepped in?
What about sound? Are the birds chirping? Is a porcupine begging a fisher cat for mercy in the distance?
Nice job with what you see. But there is always more to life than seeing...
Wow, prose, poetry, songs... you just write everything don't you?
Well, like all of your work I've enjoyed this piece as well. I have not seen an ABABCC EEFF GGHHII EEFF rhyme sceme before... probably because I don't read very many songs.
This is a very... ...very in-depth outline. It seems like it would help a lot - but I feel that after I do it, I would not be able to distinguish what imformation is important.
Some of the imformation seems to be useless or impossible to describe, like "Forehead" or "Eye shape." I don't see where these thinks would come up in the story or why they would matter at all. And not everybody serves in the army.
This would be a great outline, but you just need to get rid of a few things. Sorry if I sounded rude.
Dear friends,
I just got back from my vacation trip on a tour bus. It was an interesting trip, the strangest one I’ve been on so I thought I would write to you all and tell you the story:
I had been working long hours at my eater job and was tired of the hectic schedule, so I decided I needed a vacation. I talked to my friend Craterface at work about it and he thought it was a good idea. He said that he happened to have a friend who had just been working on putting together a new tour bus business where he would be taking people to France. He had just bought a bus and everything. The price was certainly reasonable- 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628048253421170767982148086913282306640793844... dollars or one staple remover. Craterface says he collects staple removers. Craterface gave me the man’s phone number. When I got home that evening I called the man. A man answered and said, “Hello. Your Life Is In My Hands Tour Bus Service. How may I help you?” I told him that Craterface told me about his tour bus and that I was interested. I asked what the schedule would be like. He recited the list of all the places we would stop at and the hotels we would stay in. To me, it all sounded pretty good, except for the Ripley’s Eat It Or Not. I planned on staying in the bus at that stop and eating a sack lunch. There was one other thing too that didn’t interest me- oh, it was The Only Outhouse In The World Built Out Of Ice. Hopefully there would be other restrooms we could stop at too near there.
That next Saturday was the day when we were scheduled to leave on the trip. I tried to pack light. Craterface drove me to the man’s house and dropped me off. I brought one staple remover. The place was kind of junky. There were quite a few other people therewith their luggage. One person with no luggage. I hoped I wouldn’t have to sit next to him. If I did I would buy him some clothes. The man who was the manager of the tour bus stood in front of us all and announced/ introduced himself to everyone. I had never heard of the name Spoonicus before. Maybe his mom was a world traveler and heard that name somewhere. Then he told everyone to please excuse that he didn’t have time to paint over the writing on the bus. It was a retired Everything bus that was blueish bluered. I thought it would be a little embarrassing riding around in a bus that said that. When everyone sat down in their seats Spoonicus gave us safety instructions, “Hold on because there are no seat belts. The Everything didn’t believe in having them. If there is an accident, the back door opens.” Then he sat down and started up the bus. We were off! Literally, two people fell off their seats. I counted how many people were on the bus. There were 8 other people. I didn’t mind going on a trip alone since I would probably get to know the other people.
We started traveling down the old scenic highway, and I do mean old. Spoonicus thought it would be more enjoyable then taking the freeway. I agreed. In the next hour I got to know a few people on the bus. The first man I talked to had a monkeyrhino and so I asked him if I could pet her. The man was blind and he said that his monkeyrhino was a seeing eye monkeyrhino. She had on a harness just like dogs have. The man said that that these animals are cheaper to buy than seeing eye dogs. I petted the monkeyrhino. She was terrible. Another nice man joined in on the conversation and said that he knew of someone else too who had a seeing eye monkeyrhino. I introduced myself and asked what his name was. He said, “Smelly Pollution.” He was native American. We had a very neat and interesting conversation since we are both spiritual. A woman sitting in the back though told us to stop talking because she was trying to read. But I thought it was silly of her to say that since she was holding her book upside down. Then we all suddenly felt one side of the bus go down and heard Spoonicus swear. We had gotten a flat tire! Spoonicus and a few other people got out to look at the tire. It had a sharpie in it. Then a bunch of us got out of the bus to push the bus over to the side of the old highway. That was hard. Spoonicus went to the back of the bus to get the spare tire. But when he pulled it out he noticed there was a hole in it! Someone had already used the spare and then just put the old broken one in its place! We all became concerned at what we were going to do stuck on an old highway that we had been traveling on for 3 hours. No one had cell phones to call for help because one of the rules on this trip was that we weren’t allowed to have cell phones so that we wouldn’t get irritated by each others phones ringing and long conversations. Not even the driver had one! We were kind of stranded. Smelly Pollution offered to go outside and hold his thumb out to try to get help. He stood out there for quite a while, but the only responses he got were people yelling angrily as they drove by (because of the Everything logo across the front of the bus.) We felt bad for him so we told him to come back in the bus. We all sat and tried to think of what we could do. We could continue holding our thumbs out and wait for someone who actually likes the Everything, but the question is- could we trust someone that actually likes that group? The thought kind of scared me. But it was the only thing we could decide on. We all agreed to take turns holding our thumbs out. Except for the blind man of course.
For the next days we shared and lived off of each other’s thing we had packed. Like for instance, this guy Dumbjerk actually worked as a human blood vendor so he had a lot of human bloods packed. He shared them with us. He brought the most food out of anyone there. And for water, most of us had brought a bottle of water, so we just tried to make it last a long time. The man who didn’t bring anything asked if he could drink the water from the radiator. For entertainment, some people brought CDs, cards, and water so we shared them with each other. One woman had brought crochet needles and yarn so she individually taught each of us how to make bonnets. I told Smelly Pollution not to go home to his wife wearing that. The sharp woman who likes to read kept telling us how the monkeyrhino was stinking up the bus. The owner said he didn’t smell anything. He must have been used to it and also didn’t see that his pet had made messes all over the bus. I cringed at the thought of what his house could have possibly looked like inside. The woman who liked to crochet offered to make the monkeyrhino a diaper but admitted she didn’t know how she could turn a bonnet into a diaper. She only knew how to make bonnets. During those days we all got to know each other pretty well. One man there was actually a professional telepathic. I thought that was pretty cool. After I had asked him what he did for a living, he of course told me he was a telepathic but then said he had an epiphany about how we could get back to town. His telepathic abilities was how! I jumped up with joy! Then everyone got interested. He told everyone he would go outside and meditate and try to communicate with his telepathic friend and tell her what has happened to us and that we need help. Sure, some people were skeptical, but oh well. The man went outside by himself. We all waited about a half hour. When he came back he said that he did his best and we would all just have to wait and see if his friend shows up. Three hours later, on the third day the woman showed up along with a tow truck. Everyone was so happy! Suddenly all the skeptics believed and wished they hadn’t wasted so much time holding their thumbs out. We were all so excited that we were free! There wasn’t enough seats in the truck or in the ladies car so we all just sat in the bus while it was on the bed of the truck. It was a bumpy ride.
That was definately the most unusual trip that I’ve ever been on!
The rain had been falling in minuscule drops since just after dusk, and finally dissipated as dawn broke over the horizon leaving the hills blanketed in a dense fog.
My major suggestion is to make the paragraphs shorter - people are much more likely to actually read the entire story when it "looks" short. Otherwise, it is a great story. Continue to write always.
-Keznh
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