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1
1
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Liam

I'm one of the judges over at the Paper Doll Gang Short Story Workshop, and I had the pleasure of reading your submission for Lesson #2, "The Age of Illumination" . Here are my thoughts!

*Gear* *Gears* *Gear* *Gears* *Gear* *Gears* *Gear* *Gears* *Gear* *Gears* *Gear* *Gears* *Gear* *Gears* *Gear*


*Bulletb*First Impression:
We're lucky we snagged you for the PDG Short Story Workshop, Liam—you have quite the imagination! I loved this mysterious look into a possible future where the absence of a written language has been so engrained into the culture. And an epic quest that ends with a dictionary and an alphabet book? You don't read that every day *Smile*


*Bulletb*Application of Lesson:
Image ~ You tied in the library image with the alluring Legend of the Repository and it was an excellent way to have your readers picture the glorious moment the monks enter the Repository. Though to be fair, I have to say that your descriptive passage about the library rivaled any picture. But you know, as they say, a picture's worth a thousand words, so I guess either way you had it covered!

Gustav's Pyramid ~ You followed the guidelines of the pyramid well, and it was easy to spot your shifts from exposition to climax to denouement. However, I do think your proficiency at setting up with the exposition could have used a stronger rising action section. As it stands now, there is not a lot of tension built as the monks proceed on their pilgramage to the fabled Repository. I never even really had the opportunity to doubt if they would find the Repository or not, and that's something you generally want to avoid. Especially if what is expected also happens to be the climax of the story.


*Bulletb* Story Strengths: Your originality really shines through this tale, Liam. While I loved the intriguing details of the monks of the Order of Illumination and the Legend of the Repository, my absolute favorite part was "A Children's Alphabet", the "Rosetta Stone" of the future *Wink* With an imagination like that, I really can't wait to read more of your stories! You have a gift for twisting details that we know about our world into mysterious and fascinating facets of another.


*Bulletb*Favorite Lines:
If something was important enough to be included, it needed to be said in a manner that would fit in the story and be easy to remember. It was repeated until all could recite it without error. ~ One of my favorite parts of your story. I love the image this produced of huddled monks, forced to memorize without error the details of their in-progress journey.

It had twenty-six pages, one for each large symbol. It was the key to the written language... ~ This made me smile. The rest of your story is so formal and a little dark that this sudden touch of whimsy was quite welcome. And actually a bit hysterical. Solemn monks dutifully studying a child's alphabet—great image!


*Bulletb*Suggestions:
Being in the story ~ You have created such a compelling tale, but I feel like a change of narrative or perspective could help make the reader feel more a part of the story. As a reader, I felt like I didn't know any of these characters—I couldn't see their faces or hear their voices, and that can play a big part in how a story is received. I was thinking that you could possibly use the structured daily meetings of the pilgrims in order to present your exposition in a more active way. That way you could incorporate dialogue and characterization as the various pilgrims recite the story (and purpose) of their journey up to that point. It would give a more personal face to the men who brought illumination to the world.

Predictability ~ The second thing I would consider is balancing what your readers would predict about your story from the beginning and what the ending actually delivers. While well-written and certainly intriguing, having Brother Lazarus and his volunteers simply find exactly what they sought to find is a little predictable.


*Bulletb*Punctuation and Word Choice:
This was not a casual conversation though, it was a structured meeting that was called to order for a specific purpose. ~ This is a pretty common error that I only stopped doing myself after taking an informative comma class over at the New Horizons Academy. The comma after the word though cannot adequately combine the two clauses. You can replace the comma with a period or even a semi-colon.


*Bulletb*Overall:
This is such a rich story, full of possibilities, I would really encourage you to expand it. I want to know more, Liam! Some stories reach 1000 words and you're glad it's over, but with your story I felt like there was so much backstory and adventure ripe for the picking. If you ever do return, be sure and let me know *Delight*


Feel free to contact me with any questions you have about this review
or anything to do with the Workshop!

*Gears* Hayley I. (aka Kilpik)




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2
2
Review of DEAR ME  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi SHERRI GIBSON

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your letter: Dear Me *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
Sherri, this resolution letter really touched me. My grandma recently passed away, and it's been hard for me to watch how much it affects my own mother. I can see her own struggles and hopes reflected in your letter, and I think it is so admirable when people like you are able to share such personal details with our writing community. It helps the rest of us know we're not alone *Smile*


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Family I loved reading your letter because I could tell how close your family is. Instead of making your resolution all about you, you were clearly more interested in being there for your family. It was so touching the way you want to be as strong for your family as your mother was for you.

*BulletG* Strength To me the main message of your letter was one of strength. You do an excellent job of reflecting the emotional turmoil you felt, hinting at how it might even be easier to just "check-out" of life for awhile. Instead, seeing your resolve to be a strong pillar for your children and grandchildren is so inspiring. We all face things in life that make us question our own purpose and strength, but letters like yours remind us that it is possible to carry on, especially when family is at stake.

*BulletG* Favorite Lines Carry on despite the pain you still, and always will feel, and do your best to burn as brightly as mom would have wanted you to. I loved this line. You admit that the pain can not be forgotten, but that it can beared for the sake of family and even of the ones we've lost.

Remember the words that inspire you in one of your favorite songs by Bon Jovi. "Better stand tall when they're calling you out. Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down." You know I've heard this song so many times, but for some reason I never actually let the words really sink in. Now, because of you, I think I'll be thinking about these lyrics a little differently next time.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Word Choice Do not let anyone to play you for a fool. I think this sentence would read smoother without the to.

You know this hurts, therefore must steer clear from those who try to pull you down with deceit and foolishness. Kind of the same situation here. I think you should either change this to (1) therefore, you must stear clear OR (2) therefore, steer clear...

*BulletB* Update This is completely up to you, but after reading this touching and powerful letter I was really curious about how your 2010 actually went. If you ever have time, I think your readers would really appreciate an update about how you and your family are doing.


*Sun* Overall:
Thank you so much for sharing this with our writing community, Sherri! I can't tell you how much this has touched me, and I hope your 2010 (and 2011) has been one of family love and strength *Heart*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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3
3
Review of The Panda King  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello vbrandon !

*Rainbowl* I hope you have your towel and soap ready
because I'm here on behalf of the "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  *Rainbowr*

One of my favorite things about Writing.com is the variety of items to read. I haven't read many children stories on this site, but I was sure looking forward to reading this one! I work with children and I love pandas, so it seemed like a win/win opportunity *Wink*

And remember, these are only my opinions. My job is to just shower you with joy, so if any of my comments, suggestions, or adoring praise fails to do that, than you just go ahead and ignore those parts!


*Sun* First Impressions:
This tale blew me away with its simple charm and beautifully haunting descriptive passages. Even though the parts involving human interaction confused me a bit, I am confident that this is a story that children and adults can both enjoy!


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Imagination What an imagination you have! As a child, these were the exact type of stories that I adored, stories that did not sacrifice originality and poignancy for loud and cliched plots. I honestly believe you have something quite special on your hands. There is a lyric beauty and pure charm about the plight of the poor hapless bamboo that would speak to people of all ages. I almost felt as if I was reading a tale that had been passed down through generations to describe the relationship between bamboo and their panda guardians.

*BulletG* Style As I mentioned above, I work with children and I would like to think I have an idea of the kind of stories that would appeal to them. Your combination of panda royalty, plant personification, and gentle humor would easily grab the attention of the kids I work with! I love the little details you add about the shoots not belonging on the top of a child's head or how the proud bamboo tell the birds to be happy and the flowers to bloom. These are just the sort of things that, in my experience, really appeal to a growing child's mind. I don't know if this is your first or fifty-seventh attempt at writing a children's story, but you definitely have a talent for it!

*BulletG* Favorite Lines See, bamboos are like skinny trees. They don’t need to grow big and round. They have no need for bark. They just like to reach high, high, high, toward the sun. You have such an excellent ear for the sentence structures and sounds that appeal to a child! I love the repetition of the "high, high, high"—parts of your tale even sound somewhat lyrical in their construction.

The bamboo send their eyes everywhere, like the top of your head, where they shouldn’t be. I can just imagine a teacher or parent reading this line, and the children squealing in delight as a hand mimicks the shoots growing a top their heads. Such fun!

The baby Bamboo shoots can’t speak, their siblings don’t think, and the old bamboo are blind. It is hard to be bamboo. This might have been my absolute favorite line of this story (and I had way more than three! I just didn't want to bore you by coping and pasting huge chunks of your own text *Wink*). While the almost haunting nature of the first line might be lost on younger listeners, the second line immediately remedies this and brings anyone confused back up to speed. Everyone can understand the simple truth that it is hard to be bamboo.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Story Framing While I completely adore the story surrounding the hapless bamboo and their panda guardians, the framing device stumped me a bit. Who is the narrator who pulls his son onto his lap to tell this story? He's not the same father who later tells his bamboo-cutting son what I assume is this same story, is he? Haha sorry I squarely put the blame of this misunderstanding on my own shoulders, but in case any other readers are as befuddled as me maybe you could consider adding some clarification. And just as a small comment, are the human characters really necessary? I know that may seem silly, but the charm of the bamboo and the Panda King seemed to be a bit dulled (and disconnected) from the boy who wanted a playhouse.

*BulletB* The Panda King's Son This may have been my fault, but I was sort of expecting some resolution to the loss of the Panda King's son (the second biggest tummy *Laugh*) and was thus a bit disappointed when no such resolution ever arrived. I had thought that the abrupt shift to the story of the father and son would serve as a catalyst for the panda son's discovery, but then the ending rolled by without any happy reunion. Are you planning on continuing this tale? I hope so! Because left like this, I feel a bit sad...

*BulletB* Word Choice and Punctuation I pulled him into my lap and drew the book closed. I think that perhaps "closed" should be "close".

It was getting dark, but there were still a few hours of light left ... It was getting dark, though, and he needed to leave. These two sentences are separated by only a couple of lines, and I would suggest just altering the wording slightly so you don't have the repetition with "it was getting dark".

They go slow, as not to miss any lost shoots, so the bamboo knows to only look in the right place. I only understood this sentence later with the help of additional context clues. The pandas search the ground and caves slowly so that they will not miss any wayward shoots, right? I think what threw me off was that the previous sentence talked about pandas big bellies and the end of the sentence talks about bamboo knowing where to look. Is the last part necessary? I get that because of the pandas efforts the shoots do not grow where they do not belong, but the way this sentence is constructed at present made me a bit confused.

The bamboo didn’t know not to stop looking. I think the double negative is this sentence makes it a bit confusing to read. I stumbled over this line and wondered if its meaning could be simplified by something like *Right* "The bamboo kept searching for the light, not knowing what else to do."


*Sun* Overall:
I honestly would love to read more about the Panda King (especially if he ever gets to be reunited with his panda son). You have such an amazing talent for weaving together a story that is as charming as it is meaningful. Let me know if you ever add on to this story—I'd love to return!


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

*Umbrellag* Kilpik



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4
4
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello MattMatthias !

*Rainbowl* I hope you have your towel and soap ready
because I'm here on behalf of the "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  *Rainbowr*

Ever since I finished Part One of The Great Light, I have been looking forward to returning to your welcoming portfolio. It didn't take me long to find "The Great Light (Pt. 2)"  and get right back into the fantasy world of Malt and Otara!

And remember, these are only my opinions. My job is to just shower you with joy, so if any of my comments, suggestions, or adoring praise fails to do that, than you just go ahead and ignore those parts!


*Sun* First Impressions:
While I was somewhat disappointed to not be reunited with the characters from Part One, I thoroughly enjoyed Diesen and his attempts to enthrall his squirrely students with magic and history! Again you add on layers of intrigue of both what is to come in your story and what already happened in the past. Add in a truly beautiful description of a mysterious world, and I was in fantasy heaven.


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Worldbuilding I'm not sure if you're a fan of Terry Pratchett, but not since his description of his fantastical Discworld have I been so enraptured by a new world! I think it was an excellent choice to introduce your readers to the Sphere through an educational demonstration that, among other things, also brought to light the concept of weaving. The paragraph that patiently describes the five discs and their respective cities was enormous, but it was fascinating from start to finish. I particularly enjoyed the visual image of ether-ships sailing through the void! When's the conceptual artwork for the Sphere going to be revealed? I need to see this!

*BulletG* Exposition You mention in your brief description that you were perhaps a bit worried that exposition could have been too heavy in this chapter, but I completely disagree. I think you're right to keep it mind since fantasy stories especially seem to be prone to this indulgence, yet for me, you have no reason to be concerned about this chapter. As I mentioned above, I loved the unique approach to describing your fantasy world, and the rest simply felt like an engaging classroom lesson, nothing more.

*BulletG* Favorite Lines Each negative was punctured by the sound of a wooden staff thumping against the table. What a brilliant opening! I love how you jump right into the chaotic action of the classroom, right at the moment that Diesen has clearly had enough. I could hear his wooden staff pounding against a muffled backdrop of children's voices!

For a short while, even Diesen became just another member of the audience, admiring the detail of his work. This line was particularly special for me as I'm sure it would be for anyone who can take pride in their own story, artwork, symphony, etc. I'm my hardest critic, but conversely, when I actually like one of my stories, it's a wonderful feeling that not even a million cynical grouches could ever take away *Delight*

Ah. So they have heard who I am. Diesen sighed. This line was a very welcome one for me, if only because I had been eagerly waiting for some tangible connection to the previous chapter. I mention below my thoughts on the narrative flow between Part One and Two, but if I just focus in on this line, I was quite taken with it. It hints at so much of what Diesen has been through and why he is now teaching a room of rowdy children without you ever having to explicitly admit anything.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Narrative Connections Since this is obviously the farthest I have gotten in your fantasy tale, I can only guess on which characters you will ultimately focus upon. My small concern is that after reading Part One, I was fully expecting to be reunited with Malt or possibly even Otara. I was therefore surprised when this chapter started with a scene with a different character that did not even acknowledge Malt and his recent misadventure. Of course, towards the end connections were established with Otara, ether, and even the Godslayer, but I still felt slightly disconnected from the previous chapter. I don't think this is a huge concern, especially since many novels frequently jump around to seemingly unrelated characters and plots, but since both Part One and Two are so short it was harder for me to feel invested in characters that were introduced and then abandoned. Just maybe try and give your readers more time to care for a character before another one is added to the mix.

*BulletB* Children's Reactions This is a small note, but I was a bit confused by the blank looks on the students' faces when Diesen mentioned that "entire limbs were eaten by the light, devoured and ingested..." I work with kids ages 5-10 and, from my experience, these violent details are just the sort of thing that would excite them. Regardless of whether they understood the history or not, I found it hard to believe that they would look blank and not be anxiously asking for more gruesome details.

*BulletB* Word Choice and Grammar “Perhaps this would interest you all more if there was a more... visual... element?” I would suggest eliminating one of the two more's in this sentence (probably the first one), just so that this sentence reads a bit smoother. Also, the same might be said about the two ellipses you include. Having just one (I prefer the one between "more" and "visual") would give more emphasis.

It took a whispered conversation between two young girls and a snort of giggling that broke the moment. I think this sentence would make more sense if you changed the "that broke" to a "to break". Or make the whole thing stronger with something like *Right* A whispered conversation between two young girls and a snort of giggling finally shattered the moment.

“Sir, is it true you was with the Godslayer when he killed Te Basa?” I understand that this error in grammar is probably included purposefully to indicate the boy's lack of complete education, but because this line is so crucial to this chapter and to, I assume, the rest of the story, I might suggest maintaining proper grammar. This might seem like a silly suggestion, but I only mention it because my experience reading this line was distracted by the simple was instead of were word choice, and this sure isn't a good line to get distracted on!


*Sun* Overall:
Even though I was left a bit perplexed by the narrative direction you plan to take concerning your protagonists, this chapter was a fun and imaginative bit of fantasy worldbuilding and history that kept me fascinated from start to finish. And who knows? Maybe character connections will all make sense once I keep reading! I guess I know what I need to do then *Laugh*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

*Umbrellag* Kilpik



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5
5
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi MattMatthias

*RainbowL* This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" 
of your short story: The Great Light (Pt. 1) *RainbowR*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
For a fantasy fan like me, there's so much to love here! You have introduced some compelling characters in Malt and Otara, all set against a backdrop of space-time portals and a mysterious Great Light that separates reality from darkness. I think it is often hard for stories to establish originality in the fantasy genre, but you have certainly done just that.


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Plunging into the Action One of my biggest pet peeves with fantasy stories is that they take forever to get to their point. Often the farm boy who is destined to topple the evil lord of darkness must be shown as a simple farm boy for seven or eight chapters. Not so with your story! You begin directly after the slaughter of Malt's horse, walk us through the harrowing ordeal that brought your protagonist to his deserted spot, and introduce a goddess. I love the feeling of immediacy that your first chapter creates. I was so in the moment I had little time to wonder what coming next. If the rest of your story unfolds in such a manner, I think you have something quite special on your hands.

*BulletG* Originality I just wanted to briefly give you credit for the stunning vision and imagination that you display in this chapter. You do not rely on the standard cliches of the fantasy genres, but instead endeavour to carve out new terrain. I admit that I am quite curious about the Great Light, and as far as I know, there's nothing quite like it out there in the literary world. And what's ether? You tantalizingly mention that ether was what tainted the axe that nicked him, but ether is also some force that Malt was once strong it and separates his current spot of desolation from anything else. Haha I guess I will have to keep reading to find out!

*BulletG* Favorite Lines He, like so many other heroes of legend, was merely a Puppet, strings tugged by a bored divinity in some endless and incomprehensible struggle for power. Splendid metaphor! This sentence is expertly crafted, and I re-read it just so I could enjoy it one more time before moving on.

His strength halved, his weaving of the ether reduced to that of any other man, his prophetic powers gone. I chose this sentence because I think it really illustrates how you almost effortlessly weaved exposition into Malt's thoughts. The concept of the ether is, of course, still a bit of a mystery to me, but here you reveal something of its use among the "normal" populace without stating it in a straight-forward and boring method.

Each wore a mask; one for each of the major gods, including... including you, my mother. This is a fantastic bit of characterization of Malt and his relationship with his goddess mother. The hesitation he reveals at even retelling this part of his tale reflects upon the unease that he feels around her. I love characterization like this that shows something about the background and emotions of your protagonist through pure dialogue.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Third Person Limited versus Omniscient As the author of this tale, the decision of which narrative mode to use it totally up to you. My only slight concern is that most of this entire chapter seems to be told in third person limited, focusing solely on the inner thoughts of Malt. In the last paragraph, however, you dramatically shift to relating the thoughts and concerns of Otara. There is no problem bouncing around from one character's thoughts to another in third person omniscient, but I would suggest sticking to limited if you plan on following the story through Malt's perspective.

*BulletB* Ether and Other Mysteries As I mentioned earlier, there are so many fun fantasy mysteries to unravel in your tale, and it makes me want to keep reading! I just have a little suggestion in this department about how to make these mysteries a bit more engaging. Without giving away details that you want to save for later, it might help to inject your tale with a bit more descriptive imagery. For example, when Otara floats down from the tree, what does that look like? Does a light breeze carry her downwards, sending her clothes billowing around her, or does she and the air around her appear completely unchanged? Or when she heals Malt's shoulder wound, what does the white light do when it reacts to the injured spot?

*BulletB* Word Choice and Punctuation They had done that to him too, an axe that had barely nicked him but an axe tainted with a weave of purple ether that prevented blood from clotting. This sentence read a bit awkwardly for me. I think the problem might be that the subject, "they", conflicts with the action done by the axe. Also, repeating axe twice in the sentence might not be necessary. I might suggest something like *Right* "They had done that to him too, nicking his shoulder with an axe tainted with a weave of purple ether."

...kings deferred to his every whim, Emperors bowed their heads. Just a small note, but is there a reason "Emperors" is capitalized and "kings" is not?

I was caught without armour, and bearing only a small ritual sword for the church services. I noticed a couple of times throughout your story you added a comma to separate two verb phrases that have a shared subject. You don't need to do that. However, in this specific case, I might suggest adding "was" before "bearing" since by itself, "bearing" does not make sense with the subject (I bearing only a small ritual sword).

Suddenly, the largest of them, wearing the mask of Te Basa and with a red ribbon tied around his arm, cried “Enough!” . . . It was then I realized they had corralled me I don't think the ellipsis is necessary in this sentence. You use a lot of them in Malt's dialogue to indicate his pauses, but this pause, if that's what it is, seemes a bit superfluous.

Malt’s face lit up, a confusion of hope and amazement. This might be just me, but I didn't really understand your description of Malt's face. A combination of hope and amazement doesn't add up to confusion in my book. Haha but then again, this is your book, not mine *Laugh*


*Sun* Overall:
I think this was a splendid opening chapter to your story, Matt! I hope my suggestions can be of use to you, but either way, you should be proud of this very original and entertaining fantasy effort *Smile*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

*Umbrellar* Kilpik



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6
6
for entry "Prologue" 
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi AJVega

*RainbowL* This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" 
of your prologue for Majesty's Offspring *RainbowR*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
I'm a massive science fiction fan, and because of that, I was excited and anxious to get started with this prologue. You clearly are quite a connoisseur of sci-fi as well, or at least you appear to be from your seemingly effortless use of genre tropes and tantalizing details of an imagined future. Though, it might have to be your introduction (and subsequent dismissal) of the fascinating General Hugo Valdez that impressed me the most!


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Characterization It is rare for me to find myself so intrigued to a character so fast. Your Valdez is a mean, morally umbalanced individual who, while I would be rather unhappy to spend too many hours with myself, makes a fantastic subject for a probing interview, especially considering his past. With such a complex sci-fi endeavour as yours, there is usually a lot of backstory to get through, but you skillfully take care of much of the exposition through a character study that doesn't fail to entertain. I want to know more, and that's always a good sign!

*BulletG* Conflict You mentioned in your Shower Prefences that you are interested in comments concerning your plot and conflict, and while I have only had a chance to read your prologue, I can confidently say that I am quite impressed with your ability to use conflict to your advantage when crafting your story. There is so much going on in this short prologue that you should be commended for! The simple tension between Valdez and the reporter is an easily grasped conflict that propels much of the dialogue and, as I discussed above, the exposition that you lightly move through. I'm really looking forward to continuing reading this book in order to get to even bigger conflicts *Wink*

*BulletG* Favorite Lines Oh, I still laugh and smile, but it comes from a different place than for you—a cold, bitter core that rots in concert with my body. Wow. This line took me by surprsing with its beautiful construction (I'm a word nerd), metaphor mastery, and biting bit of characterization of Valdez. You can't ask much more from a line.

“Don’t use that word,” Valdez spat. “‘Majesty’ is too honorable a word for that bitch.” Again, another line from your intriguing Valdez. I was impressed with this one for its sudden spark of hatred and disdain from your otherwise somewhat emotionally detatched character.

The reporter rubbed the back of his neck and began to wonder if he should cut the interview short. This wasn’t exactly going where he wanted it to. A bit of an understatement, huh? You have a light comedic tough that is much appreciated in such writing.



*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Press Just a small logistical issue, but I was a little unclear about two things concerning the press reporter. One, how did the reporter even get an interview with the dying, "vegetable" Valdez? (There was some hinted mystery at that, especially the vegetable part, so if that will be addressed in the following chapters, nevermind *Blush*) Two, is there really almost nothing known about Valdez and his history to the general public? The reporter seemed genuinely astonished or uncertain about basic elements that arguably should have been already known about such a public figure. I understand that most of this was for the benefit of readers, but from a strictly realistic standpoint, I was a bit confused.

*BulletB*Hook Another little thing to think about is whether the ending of your prologue is as effective as it could be. I don't feel like it is bad by any measure, but I do think your hook to keep readers reading could be stronger. There's not a lot of indication as to what this book will be actually be about or what the main conflict will be.

*BulletB* Word Choice Valdez was, quite literally, on his deathbed: his head split open with tubes and wiring coming out, and part of his brain exposed. I think this sentence would sound better if you eliminated a couple of words *Right* "...his head split open with tubes and wiring coming out." The old rule that you shouldn't end sentences (or independent phrases as it applies here) doesn't need to be strictly followed, but in this case, I think it may sound better.

“There is no sense of joy or love. More like … hate … or anger, maybe. I don’t know. Beyond that … no compassion, no fatherly instincts. I included this line just to illustrate something I did notice as I read through the interview. You use a rather large amount of ellipses in your dialogue, and while I certainly understand the need to indicate the pauses and hesitation of your speakers, you might want to consider eliminating just some of them in order to bring more emphases to the places where you do use them.

“Yes, of course, the passion to wage war and cause destruction to my enemies was intact. Just a small note: since "to wage war" is an infitive, I would maintain the infinitive construction for "cause destruction" *Right* "...the passion to wage war and to cause destruction..."

“But if I hadn’t, you—and the rest of the population of spineless maricons we were fighting for—wouldn’t be breathing right now!” To be honest, I think your use of the em dash here and throughout your piece are used correctly, but as with the ellipses, I feel they may be overused. I've been taught that em dashed should be used rather sparingly, yet it is, of course, the writer's choice. Again, just something to think about *Smile*



*Sun* Overall:
Outstanding job, AJ! I know I'll be back for Chapter One in the near future, and I look forward to delving further into your fascinating science-fiction world *Bigsmile*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

*Umbrellar* Kilpik



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7
7
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Farooq

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your short story: The Seven Day Twitch *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
What a strange, but fascinating little tale! I didn't know what to expect when I clicked on this story, but I am quite glad I did. You have skill for characterization that makes this unique story more than just the tale of a twitch!

*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Metamorphosis I found this a rather humorous twist on Kafka's Metamorphosis. Instead of turning into a bug, your protagonist got a twitch—same thing, right? *Laugh* In all seriousness, I like this type of writing that treats the bizarre against a backdrop of mundane life activities.

*BulletG* Characterization I think your skill at characterization really shined in this tale. I instantly related to your protagonist as he peered into his mirror. The way his own reactions to his twitch are revealed through his pestering coworkers, friends, and family are especially well done. This is, at its heart, a simple tale, but you give little details that flesh this out into something more entertaining and enjoyable to read.

*BulletG* Favorite Lines This is the face I want to apply today I found something surprisingly profound in this little line. I know I wake up days feeling exactly this way.

She peered closely at my face and said, "Hey you have got a twitch". Oh, coworkers—what would we do without them? I loved this little annoying peak at the coworker who "helpfully" informs your protagonist of what he is already quite aware of.

That evening my friends offered me unsolicited advice about how to get rid of it. I can definitely relate to this. A nice bit of characterization for your protagonist's feelings towards his friends helpfulness.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Doctor's Advice Just a small little note, but I was sort of confused at why a doctor would give such lazy advice to a patient suffering from such a mysterious malady. I can see that why, for the sake of your narrative, the trip to the doctor's office should prove unhelpful, but maybe that can be achieved some other way than a doctor who seems to be utterly careless to the rather valid concerns of his patients.

*BulletB* Punctuation and Word Choice I thought how good it would to pick up a face of choice from a box and say I think there might be a word left out here. Should it be *Right* "I thought how good it would be to pick up a face...?

The Fifth and sixth day passed with more stares and queries. I noticed you alternately capitalize the days as your protagonists deals with his itch. It might be better for continuity's sake to stick to all lower case or all capitalized words.

*BulletB* Ending Ah, what a funny little ending this is! It's sort of growing on me the more I turn it over in my head, but I can't escape the feeling that I left it feeling a bit empty... But maybe that's the point. Haha just a week in the life of a hapless protagonist *Wink*


*Sun* Overall:
Great job! I think some elements can be tightened up to make an even more effective story, but even without that, you have quite a charming tale on your hands *Smile*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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8
8
Review of A Different World  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Silentokami

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your short story: A Different World *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
This short story was one of the most raw and claustrophobic pieces I've read on Writing.com. I mean that, as strange as it might sound, as a good thing. I'm not used to reading something this, for lack of a better description, mundanely dark. You create a nightmare out of mediocrity. Fascinating.


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Mood You create such an oppresive mood with this story. From the opening few lines, I felt like I had immediately descended into your narrator's almost hopless cycle of sleeping and working. While I obviously would not categorize this as a fun read, I actually enjoyed this extremely dark and dreary snapshot of one man's life. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder to be thankful for those of us lucky enough to live less constricted existences.

*BulletG* Honesty I'm a big advocate of flawed characters that, especially in first person narration, are able to admit or at least reveal their faults. Your narrator was almost painfully honest in his descriptions of his life. The whole story sat heavy in my mind long after I read it. I feel like your narrator's honest and frank portrayal really made this entire piece vividly real for me.

*BulletG* Favorite Lines So I try to find solace in the virtual social network, where emoticons and snapshots of happy moments are the ambrosia I use to reinvigorate my soul. You have a haunting style of writing that expertly captured the dark drama of this piece. Lines like these I had to re-read.

The warmth of interacting with the corporeal essence of my fellow man. So in the end, I still feel the need and desire to satiate this lack of social interaction. Isn't this the truth? I have a feeling many others living less depressing lives than your narrator still fall victim to this.

The truth could not be suppressed with liquor or beer, but just thinking about it makes my mouth water with anticipation. Bleak, but a completely realistic depiction of addiction.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* The Different World I feel like your story worked best when you hinted at the world your narrator wished he lived in. I found it particularly poignant when his musing over his ex were discussed. I would love to have had more exploration of what your downtrodden narrator missed about better days or what he wished for the future after his two years are up. Especially considering that the title of this piece *Wink*

*BulletB* Hyphens In compound numbers, I would suggest using a hyphen. Example: 35 *Right* thirty-five.

*BulletB* Spacing Just a last minor note - for the help of your readers, it's often nice to double-space your paragraphs. There's a box you can check when you edit the piece that will automatically do it for you *Smile*


*Sun* Overall:
I am quite impressed with your talent! This piece really got underneath my skin and made me think about life and the purposes and desires we're all striving for. I think you have real skill as a writer and I look forward to reading more of your stories.


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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9
9
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Magnificent Marley !

*Star* Thanks for being bad just for us *Star*

This is a review of your short story "Lost Without a Best Friend" 
for "Invalid Item" 



*Balloonb* The Impression Given Off at the End of Reading Your Story that was Short and Also Bad
Wow, I don't even know where to begin! This is quite possibly the best worst soliloquy on ended friendship that I have ever read *Laugh* At times, I honestly had no idea what was going on, and I salute you for taking on the challenge of this contest with so much gusto!


*Balloony* Favorite "Bad" Elements (and by bad I mean good... well, in a bad way)

-Metaphors Your use of metaphors was silly, strange and wonderful. One of my favorites *Right* "I seek for thee behind bricked doors. I sneeze away rabbits of dust, in search beneath my bed for you." Rabbits of dust? The formal and rather sad nature of your story was pleasantly offset by these bizarre touches.

-Comma Irony: So I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but I did notice that your comma placement throughout this story was a bit inconsistent. I was planning on pointing this out anyway, and then I came across this line *Right* "The love possessed for me by you is compared to nothing else if by my love for you possessed in me. All commas excluded!" Whether you did this on purpose or not, I loved it!

-Friends are Forever: This is such great subject matter for a contest about tired cliches and overused motiffs. Interestingly enough, at least one other contestant chose broken friendships as their theme—great minds think alike?


*Balloono* Comments of a Suggestive Nature:
My only suggestion is that I wish I had some more background about the relationship between your narrator and her former best friend. Even from the perspective of a contest meant for purposefully bad entries, I think mining this story for cliched flashbacks could have been rather amusing *Wink*


*Balloonp* In a Nutshell
You made the end of a friendship feel like a trip to Wonderland as I also felt "like the little girl who chased the rabbit" as I spiraled and flipped through your dizzying tale! This is so bad, it's good *Delight*



Thank you so much for entering!
Check out the other entries at "Invalid Item" 
And please consider coming back for Round TWO in June!!!



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10
10
Review of Hobson's Choice  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi drboris

*RainbowL* This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" 
of your letter: Hobson's Choice *RainbowR*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
I thoroughly enjoyed this short little tale of adventure and thrills. You combined a few elements of story-telling that I found quite unique and engaging. My main complaint? I want more *Laugh*


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* The Wild West So due to a rather unpleasant allergic reaction to horses, I used to quite despise Westerns of all shapes and sizes. What's a Western without a horse, right? Well, I've been slowly re-evaluating my hasty childhood judgment, and this story, along with its complete lack of horses, is helping me on my slow road to Western recovery *Wink* Just a great little tale about fatal conflict with some guns and a doomed train in the mix! I could read loads more of this type of stuff, and you've inspired me to perhaps go seek some out!

*BulletG* Single Scene In many ways, I like how this is just a snapshot of life for one busy and conflicted man. You give us one scene with snappy dialogue, a few death threats, and some action! I love how, as a reader, I can just jump right into the conflict and sit back and be entertained.

*BulletG* Favorite Lines The door closed and Garvel turned his attention back to Hobson. “No Ernest, what happens next is entirely up to you. I love how subtly menacing this line is. The message sounds almost promising—Hobson's future is in his hands. Any discerning reader knows better, though. Something, most likely a very unpleasant something, is coming.

“You overlooked one other option Merrick.” Hobson head butted the older man. “The option where I kill you, and toss you off the train.” This blunt line did a lot to characterize Hobson in my head. He's a rather no-nonsense type of fellow, huh? I loved that there's no overly witty zingers being tossed around or silly boasting. In Hobson's head, he can still just eliminate Merrick with one toss. And it's not an empty threat...

The broken stovepipe spewed thick black smoke into the tiny caboose. Small flames licked at the boards around the stove’s cracked base. Great use of imagery! I could really visualize the overpowering smoke and the almost playful flames tearing apart the caboose.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Background Stuff I was poking around, and I noticed this was written for a multi-round contest, right? I only ask because I did find the story's beginning and ending rather abrupt. The reader does not get a lot of scope as to if we should already have read something about Hobson or not. Or if there's even more to come. If there is more of a story here, I would suggest mentioning that somewhere or linking the rest of the related items for your reader's convenience.

*BulletB* Commas “I am very disappointed in you Ernest.” Your grammar and punctuation is superb throughout, but I did notice there's a few places where you consistently leave out commas. Here, for example, a comma needs to set off the name from the rest of the sentence *Right* "I am very disappointed in you(,) Ernest."

Life is full of little disappointments ain’t it? And here you need a comma to separate the statement ("life is full of little disappointments") from the added question ("ain't it?").

*BulletB* Spacing Just a minor comment, but I noticed that a few of your paragraphs are sometimes single-spaced instead of double-spaced. It's no big deal, of course, but I think it would distract the reader less if you stick to one spacing style.


*Sun* Overall:
A fun read, drboris ! I would be quite interested to know if there's more to Hobson's adventures *Delight* Keep up the great work!


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

*Umbrellar* Kilpik



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11
11
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi warriormom

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your short story: Jess Waits for the Circus *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
It's been awhile, Pat, but I'm so happy and honored to have an excuse to visit your wonderful portfolio again! You mentioned that this was very much a work in progress, but if that's the case, I'm impressed! My works in progress are much uglier and cruder creatures *Laugh* You have created a lovely snapshot of one boy's barely contained excitement against a rich backdrop of farm life and childhood dreams—fantastic "rough draft"!


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Jess I love the way you have created a fully fleshed out character in Jess. He is not a hastily sketched out caricature of Excited Boy or the like; he is a real character who I, personally, related to quite a bit. You beautifully described his eager ambition for adventure that drives his thoughts as he carries out his dull farm work. The way you contrasted Jess's vivid imagination with his Pa's gruff "do what you know best" mentality made me wonder if that was what was in store for Jess or if Jess's wild dreams were unusual. Either way, characters that give me lots to think about equal great characters in my book!

*BulletG* Imagery I'm not a natural description expert, and I usually have to sort of force it into my own writing. Because of that, I also tend to overlook it when I'm reading other writer's work. Not so with yours! From your detailing of the clouds Jess imagines are battling warriors to the strange circus trains that pulls into town, I was simply gripped by your use of imagery. Honestly, it was impossible to miss. You have such a gift for conjuring up scenes that dance and come to life in the reader's own imagination!

*BulletG* Favorite Lines He knew his father expected him to take over the farm when he got older, but Jess knew in his heart that he was a dreamer, not a farmer. I loved this line because it introduced Jess's current aspirations in life, but it also highlighted the very relateable notion of childhood dreams versus adult reality. As I straddle the line between the two (well, okay I guess being in college might be a bit more adult than child *Wink*), I still would like to consider myself as a dreamer, but unfortunately the very real pressures and stress of life and never-ending bills manages to somewhat quiet that dreaming side. Hopefully, Jess can hold on to that... but it's hard.

Huge gray, wrinkled things, he could not imagine a name for, had long snouts which would curl up and then down. As an enormous fan of elephants since I was a toddler, I have actually never considered what one would think of them at first sight. They are rather funny looking, aren't they? I loved Jess's bewildered description!

It would be awfullly hard to sleep tonight, thinking about what was ahead. So much of Jess reminds me of myself! I remember first feeling this way the night before my parents took me to Disneyland. It's absolutely true—you really can't sleep when you're that excited! Great job at capturing that!


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Perspective I noticed that while the story is primarily told from Jess's perspective, you do meander into Miss Riley and Pa's perspective in a few places. Of course, this is perfectly "legal" in third person omniscient, but I found that this story works so well when grounded in young Jess's thoughts and desires that the inclusion of the other two's thoughts didn't really seem to add anything to the story. I might suggest shifting this story to third person limited just in order to really embrace the charm and excitement that Jess's perspective brings to the tale.

*BulletB* Punctuation and Word Choice Serendipity grown considerably, though, as it rested on a well-travelled wagon trail leading west. I think it should be "had grown considerably".

Then he heard a bellowing like he had never heard before. This is just a minor suggestion, but as I read this line I found myself wishing you had described the bellowing rather than just telling me it was something Jess had never heard before. Maybe something like *Right* "Then he heard a bellowing that shook the hilltop and..." Well, you get the idea. I'm sure your version would be much more original!

Some creatures were walking along side the wagons, with men, clad in clothing like he'd never seen. Same thing here *Smile*

He might have to get Ma off to the side, somehow, and ask her what she might could do to persuade Pa. I think this sentence would read smoother without the "might" *Right* "...and ask her what she might could do to persuade Pa."

*BulletB* Completeness I sort of flip-flopped with whether or not I felt like this story could use a slight expansion or more complete story arc. When I finished reading, I wanted more. I felt like I had read all of the build-up without getting to see the actual circus. After contemplating this some more, though, I do appreciate the way this story represents a snap shot of anticipation and excitement in one boy's life. It makes me think about how sometimes the actual events we are so excited for can never fully live up to the anticipation we have stored up for it. So basically, I'm not sure what your thoughts are on this, but I have, after some thought, decided I like this story as is. Especially since the title is "Jess Waits for the Circus" not "Jess Goes to the Circus" *Laugh*


*Sun* Overall:
What a fun read this was, Pat! You've got the workings of a truly delightful little tale, and I hope my suggestions can be of some help! Either way, thanks for the charming read!


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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12
12
Review of Dollar Bill  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi tYpO/T.Boilerman

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your short story: Dollar Bill *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
This Twilight Zone-esque tale really got under my skin and creeped me out - in a good kind of way *Laugh* I love the sinister undercurrent that you weave through a simple story about a dollar bill. I couldn't help but become entranced by the familiar exchanges at the coffee shop as I waited to see what mystery the bill's message held.


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Suspense You do a superb job of setting up the mystery and creepy factor right out of the gate. This is an incredibly short piece, but you manage to do so much in such a little amount of time. Simple things you do, like having Ray ask Rochelle for a five instead of one dollar bills, demonstrated your patience to really set the scene. By the time Ray reads his bizarre email message, I was completely captivated.

*BulletG* Characterization I appreciated the way you indicated that Ray and Rochelle were familiar with each other through their informal language. It adds a layer of complexity when he later wonders if Rochelle is in on the "hoax". Along this line of thought, I also have to say that your opening paragraph, where Ray rambles on about the virtues of coffee, brilliantly introduced your protagonist. I immediately felt like this was a decent sort of guy who I could root for, dollar bill crisis and all *Wink*

*BulletG* Favorite Lines “I’m sorry, I’m out of fives right now.” I liked this line because I didn't think much of it when I first read it, but I found myself mulling it over later as Ray wondered at Rochelle's involvement. Was she really out of fives? Or did she just want to ensure that Ray got the one dollar bills? Questions, questions!

Good evening Ray, I hope this finds you well. This actually does a splendid job of characterizing the unseen threat. I can't wait to see whose "voice" these words came from!

After all, coffee is a highly personal drink and those who drink it have many different tastes. Maybe it’s the way that the staff knows your name, or at least at our neighborhood location they do. And I just liked this line because (a) I agreed with Ray's coffee philosophy, and (b) it made me like Ray and want to invest in his upcomoing troubles.


*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Keep Going Okay, so obviously the main thing here is that your story kind of lacks an ending. From your email, you indicated that you're just stuck right now. I sure understand that! While I don't have any concrete ideas for how to end this (not that I'd even want to tell you exactly how you should finish your story), I was mulling something over. Your whole story reminded me of wheresgeorge.com — have you heard of this website? Maybe it's even where you got the idea of the story yourself. Anyway, if not, it's just a site that helps people track where certain marked dollar bills have been. So I was thinking what if "allthingsbeingequal" worked like that, except instead of tracking dollars they're tracking people. Yeah, I know that's extremely vague. I was just playing around with the idea that "allthingsbeing equal" has some superior knowledge of mankind and uses dollar bills as markers, for lack of a better word, of human events. Hmmm.. that sounds crazier written out than it did in my brain. Sorry, I have a bit of a sci-fi inclination, if you can't tell *Blush*

*BulletB* Word Choice If you do not comply with these instructions and with the instructions you will receive there will be consequences. It took me a second, but I did get what you're trying to say here. Ray needs to do what he's been commanded to do and whatever he'll be commanded to do next. Would it hurt the meaning much if you just said *Right* "If you do not comply with these instructions, there will be consequences." This simplified version seems more concise and, to be honest, more threatening.

*BulletB* Grammar and Punctuation “What’s not funny, the price is three eighty-eight.” I think this should be *Right* "What's not funny (?) The price is three eighty-eight."

“Ray, what about the dollar bill in your change, I have no idea what you are talking about, should I get the manager for you?” Sort of the same issue here *Right* "Ray, what about the dollar bill in your change (?) I have no idea what you are talking about. Should I get the manager for you?"


*Sun* Overall:
This intriguing story caught hold of my interest and is definitely deserving of an ending worthy of its suspenseful beginning! Whenever you do get around to finishing up this excellent little tale, let me know! I really, really want to find out what happens *Bigsmile*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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13
13
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Stephanie Grace

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your short story: Who You Calling Chicken? *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


*Sun* First Impressions:
Aw shucks *Laugh* This story just put a smile on my face, Picodoll. I don't have much experience with barnyards or bird dynamics, but I enjoyed learning about your experiences with them. You have subtle comedic skill, and I found the entire tale of your "prince among roosters" thoroughly charming.


*Sun* My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Characterization The shining star of this little story was surely Johnnie Johnson. I was impressed how you made me feel so much for a rooster. His honorable behaviour towards the other hens (when it came to the scraps at least) was surprisingly touching. You made me want to know the rooster! I'm sure your own experiences helped you form this lovely tale, but your skill at characterizing Jonnie really made the whole piece shine.

*BulletG* Comedy I love the way this whole story is told with a familiar warmth. The way your mom and dad speculate the possibilities as to Johnnie's situation was quite amusing, but more importantly, realistic to a loving and cooperative family. I confess to being a fan of dark humor and the like, but this type of humor is so refreshing! I could see you retelling this story for years to come to beloved relatives and that makes me appreciate that I got a chance to read it as well *Smile*

*BulletG* Memorable Lines Why doesn’t he have any trouble catching them when he’s horny?” This line caught me by surprise - in a good way! As I said, being of the non-barnyard variety, it never would have occurred to me that Johnnie's presumed inability to pick up scraps was not plausible considering certain *ahem* social engagements *Wink* Another amusing part of an amusing story!

We never did eat that bird. In my eyes, this story couldn't have ended any better. Easily my favorite line. Once again, you caught be my surprise and made me chuckle.



*Sun* Suggestions:
*BulletB* Opening Paragraph It took me a second to figure out what you were saying in your first paragraph. I'm sure that this could be my fault more than anything, but for other equally bewuildered readers, I might suggest an opening line that cut more succintly to the point. Something that sums up the point that roosters are not needed. Because when you said in your second sentence, They also eat and make lots of noise.. I actually couldn't tell if you were talking about roosters or the flock of chickens. This small matter of confusion just took me longer than I would have liked to jump into your delightful story.

*BulletB* Barred Plymouth Rock flocks At the end you mention that Johnnie's bloodline runs through several of these flocks. My ignorance as to what exactly the Barred Plymouth Rock flocks are did not detract from the overall experience, but I did get the impression that I was missing out on something significant. A little line of explanation for the non-barnyard folks would be greatly appreciated!

*BulletB* Grammar and Punctuation Johnnie Johnson laid the bread on the ground ran to fetch his hens and then went through the routine all over again. You list three things that Johnnie did: (1) laid the bread on the the ground, (2) ran to fetch his hens, and (3) went through the routine all over again. You need a comma between each item (though the comma between #2 and #3 are not strictly necessary)

He would fight anything that threatened the flock, if he had to, even when physically overmatched. I'm not sure that the "if he had to" really adds anything to the sentence. Try just *Right* "He would fight anything that threatened the flock, if he had to even when physically overmatched."


*Sun* Overall:
I enjoyed this story about noble barnyard antics immensely, Picodoll! You have a good ear for humor and good-natured fun that makes your stories come alive. I hope some of my suggestions will be helpful to you, but either way, this was a delightful tale told by a skilled writer with lots of potential!


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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14
14
Review of The Sacred Heart  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*RainbowL*This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy
of your short story: The Sacred Heart *RainbowR*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully, shower you with joy!


Initial Impressions:
This was such a pleasant and thought-provoking short story. I love characters that make me think, and Thomas was certainly something of a contradiction. Unexpected, thoughtful, and delightful—can't ask for much more *Wink*


My Favorite Elements:
*Bullet* I absolutely loved the journey you take your writers on in such a short amount of space. In the first scene, I wondered if you were doing some sort of retelling of the "Good Samaritan" tale, with Thomas as one of the heartless passerbys. Obviously, I was wrong, but the little twists and turns your story were wonderful to read. By the time Thomas called Sacred Heart, I realized I needed to just hang up my predictions; they weren't working. I loved the feeling of anticipation as i waited to see how all your dissimilar elements would come together.

*Bullet* The characterization of Thomas was superb. His interactions within the saloon suggested one type of personality that I could easily imagine. Your twist challenged my idea of people and the wisdom of quick judgments. The beauty of your first scene left Thomas' intentions and character ambiguous. I loved how skillfully you revealed who Thomas was and why he was in such a situation.

*Bullet*With a scarlet blush he said, “I found a room full of willing donators.” One of my favorite lines. I love the tongue-in-cheek nature, and poor Thomas' slight embarrassment. It gives so much insight into Thomas' humor and character.

*Bullet* Your brief description of this story really added a lot for me. I like playing around with this idea of ends justifying means, and you certainly added some depth to my thoughts. If what a man like Thomas did was good and right, what other things could be considered the same, if under the "right" circumstances? I love stuff like this, Nicki. You gave me something to think about, and for that, I couldn't be more grateful *Smile*


Suggestions:
*Bullet* He tossed it back on the card board bedroll *Right* "...on the cardboard bedroll."

*Bullet* Where are you, we’ve been worried sick! I believe these should be two seperate sentences. I would suggest *Right* "Where are you (?) We've been worried sick!"

*Bullet* I think your story is fine without it, but I was curious as to how Thomas really did learn how to play poker so proficiently. He mentioned Brooklyn, but perhaps only because of my interest in Thomas' character, I did find myself wondering more about his background and such. Just a thought *Smile*


Overall:
A delightful and compelling story that adeptly explores the relationship between actions and motivations. I loved your main character and wanted more—a sure sign of a good story and an excellent storyteller!



Thanks for taking the time to share your story with the writing world!
Happy writing!

Kilpik


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15
15
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi GabriellaR45 ,

*Music2* This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 
of your short story: Looking Back: A Sliver of the Past *Music2*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


First Impressions:
Wow, Gabriella! I've been looking forward to visiting your portfolio for awhile now, but I had no idea what was in store for me. Your prose is so effortless and graceful. I found myself re-reading your brief vignette for a second and third time just so I could adequately soak up the emotion and rich descriptions.

My Favorite Elements:
*Bullet* I love the idea of this being a snapshot from your past. It inspires me to try my own hand at it. I'm actually still amazed that you were able to cram that much characterization and emotion into such a tiny space. I imagne that takes practice...or natural skill *Wink* The way the man from the faded photograph seemed so vibrant and real after I had read only a handful of sentenes was remarkable.

*Bullet*When we met, he made an Olympic sport of love's challenges, winning my heart with his distracting air and powerful presence Wonderful line. I think you manage to say so much by hardly saying anything at all. I could actually imagine an entire courtship and relationship just from this line.

*Bullet*Ultimately, he was meant to live alone. After the beautiful and almost lyrical prose, this line hits like a hollow thud. Somehow, though, I got the sense of wistful remembrance, without regret. You made me think about how people often come into our lives that are not meant to stay long, but how our memories of them may last a lifetime.


Suggestions:
*Bullet*When he spoke, his basso voice rang true and bold; His stance, rebellious. I believe that the "His" after the semi-colon does not need to be capitalized.

*Bullet*His pencils bitten to the quick were his trademark This is fine as is, but I wondered if the sentence would flow better if you just said *Right* "Pencils bitten to the quick were his trademark." The first "his" doesn't seem necessary.


Overall:
I am giving this 5 stars because I have read very few pieces on Writing.com that were written with such grace, clarity, and emotion. As I mentioned before, I do hope to attempt something like this myself, and I'm glad I now have such a lovely example of a vignette at its best *Smile*


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!

Kilpik



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16
16
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*RainbowL*This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy
of your chapter: The Road to Revolution - Chapter 1*RainbowR*

And remember, these are only my opinions. I'm just here to give you a different perspective, encourage your work, and hopefully, shower you with joy!


Initial Impressions:
A wonderfully complex chapter that introduces some pretty heavy and compelling topics. I found your commitment to detail and plot intensely refreshing! This is the kind of story I could really sink my teeth into *Smile*

My Favorite Elements:
*Bullet* Your plot is so intriguing, Brockers! I love this idea of a near future Britain on the brink of revolution. There are elements that are both familiar and entirely unqiue to the genre. Your description of Ethan and his Positive Revolution Group felt so realistic for today's political climate. I love your story begins in chaos, and you give your reader a hint of the big changes to come on Downing Street as well as the entire country. This is compelling stuff—I can't wait to read more!

*Bullet*Campbell had his own views: he knew the country was in trouble, where crime was rife and people would sooner walk past you than talk to you. Britain was hard. I'm a philosophy and history double major, and I really thrive on this kind of stuff. I love how you contrast Ethan's idealist nature with Campbell's hard realism. Ethan saw what England should be, while Campbell sees what it is. I have a feeling you plan on playing on these notions more as you continue exploring the attempts of the PRP, and I look forward to it.

*Bullet* You're not satisfied with sketching out two or three well-rounded characters; you give almost every character his own quirks and unique traits. This is such an invaluable skill of any writer, and something I, frankly, could learn how to do better. One of my favorites was Gavin, the chronic alcoholic and club manager, who was really just a gentle giant. Keep up this excellent characterization! It really sets your work apart!


Suggestions:
*Bullet* You introduce such a delightfully detailed plot from the very beginning, but I might suggest that it might be a tad too heavy in the exposition department. You grabbed my attention from the first sentence with the big meeting at Downing Street, but then followed with Campbell just informing the members of Ethan's death in great detail (which they had already known something of from watching BBC or Sky News). This might be too drastic of a suggestion, but perhaps consider beginning your chapter with Ethan's actual execution. This way you have an even more compelling "hook" to start the chapter, and Campbell isn't forced to give a long explanation to the emergency meeting of details that they presumably already know.

*Bullet* I'm not sure if this is considered another acceptable form of punctuation, but you do use use apostrophes instead of quotation marks for all of your dialogue. Forgive me if this a standard method of marking dialogue (I really did try and discover if it was, but my search engine, once again, failed to understand my actual intent).

*Bullet* Besides that, I just wanted to note that you have excellent grammar skills, on top of everything else. I scoured your work for potential misspellings, comma errors, etc. but came up empty-handed *Bigsmile*


Overall:
This was quite different than anything else I have read on Writing.com so far, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. You displayed your admirable skill for character and plot development with style! Can't wait to read more!


Thanks for taking the time to share your story with the writing world!
Happy writing!

Kilpik


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17
17
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi ares88 ,

This is a review of your short story: And Then There Were Us

These are all just my own opinions, and not the "final say" of how all people everywhere will view your work. But, of course, you knew that already *Wink* I hope at least one thing I say will encourage you or give you a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!


Initial Impressions:
How should I put this? I am so glad you found and reviewed my portfolio because, if you had not, I don't know when I would have had the wonderful opportunity to read your work! This is such a well-crafted story about the beauty of a perfect moment for one young man told with splendid visual imagery and emotional depth. I loved it!

My Favorite Elements:
*Bullet* The opening line of your story captured me instantly and, on further reflection, added an interesting perspective to the entire piece. Is this a real memory for your narrator? And if so, from recently or long ago? I almost found myself wondering if your narrator was remembering this perfect moment with the woman he loved years later. Maybe he had lost her, but did not want to give up on this beautiful memory. Okay, so maybe this is a rather depressing perspective on your lovely piece, but I absolutely loved the element of ambiguity you left in. Gave this so much more depth than other stories of its kind.

*Bullet*Everything echoes around me and I can barely see the waves of the ocean move; drops of water hanging restlessly in the air before they crash down on the unsuspecting sand. One of my favorite lines! I had to read it over a couple of times because the words were so captivating; I wanted to truly see this scene in my head. Beautiful.

*Bullet* I just love how you made a single moment in this man's life your entire story. Often, people can't seem to write stories anymore without having something explode or some piece of tantalizing drama unfold. This story was breathtakingly simple, and that's what I loved most about it. We need more stories like this on Writing.com *Smile*

Suggestions:
*Bullet* So I absolutely adored the title of this piece (homage to Agatha Christie, perhaps), but I would suggest changing it to "And Then There Was Us".

*Bullet*We’re at a beach, somewhere In Santa Barbra, California This is just a microscopic typo: "In" should be lower-cased.

*Bullet* We’re running around in the sand, having no idea as to what game we’re playing I might suggest *Right* "...in the sand, neither of us knowing what game we're playing."

Overall:
This was such an enjoyable read! I got lost in the beauty of the moment right along with your narrator; a true testement to the skill of the writer behind those words. Great job!


It was such a pleasure to read your work!
Happy writing!


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18
18
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

*Star*This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy of your short story: The Xeric Conspiracy*Star*

Reviewing is my way of letting authors like you understand how much I appreciate their work! I hope you understand that everything I say is just my opinion (and not an ironclad judgment that will be shared by all humans everywhere - although that would be kind of cool *Wink*)


Initial Impressions:
A haunting and skillfully executed tale about our possible future as a planet that is both cautionary and inspiring.


My Favorite Elements:
*BulletB* I realize that this is a rather older piece of yours, but two things made me want to read it. One, your delightfully obscure title. What's a Xeric conspiracy? I don't know—I'd like to find out, though *Smile* Second, your opening. I love stories that know how to hook a reader from the very beginning, and you are no stranger to that skill.

*BulletB* We were ruining our world as surely as we were ruining ourselves. Beautiful line. This type of subject matter has received a renewed interest lately in the writing world, but your imagination and eloquence clearly set your story apart. I wanted to read more!

*BulletB* I love that your protagonist's mode of rebellion against his society was as simple as a garden. Too often authors take this type of dystopian tale into a violent and ridiculous place that has nothing to do with anything. The idea that a little garden can give such refuge against anything that the future holds is lovely.


Suggestions:
*BulletB* I only have one grammar suggestion because, as far as I can tell, this is impeccable in that department.Even my wife left me unable to deal with the constant abuse heaped on us by former friends. I would suggest placing a comma after "me". I don't think it's strictly grammatically necessary, but it makes the sentence a bit easier to read.

*BulletB* Just something to think about: I had to go back to read if you had ever mentioned what your protagonist was going to do with this "tesimonial". I only mention because at the end he says that hopefully his words will take root and grow. If you ever return to this piece, you might consider making the future plans of his words slightly more prominent.


Overall:
Pretty much perfect in my book! This is my type of story, and you pulled it off with plenty of style and skill! I am left with some thought-provoking, if not slightly cautionary, ideas about our future that will stay with me long after I log off *Smile*


Thanks for taking the time to share your story with the writing world!
Happy writing!

Kilpik


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19
19
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Shaara ,

This is a review of your short story: A Highly Concentrated Porcelain Bathtub

Reviewing is my way of letting authors like you understand how much I appreciate their work! I hope you understand that everything I say is just my opinion (and not an ironclad judgment that will be shared by all humans everywhere - although that would be kind of cool *Wink*)


Initial Impressions:
This story completely made my day! Your breezy use of humor in a science ficiton setting was marvelous! Wormhole bathtubs and time-traveling cows are right up my alley, and I commend you for constructing such an imaginative, hilarious, and charming tale *Smile*

My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* I have too many good things to say about this story, but I'll try to limit myself since no one likes to hear others go on and on about their own talent, right? *Wink* From the very beginning you had me hooked: "Look, this is a secret, Milkman, but I know you’re the kind of person I can talk to, being good friends with cows and all." So much is done in this simple sentence! You have skillfully set the stage for a satiric romp that I couldn't wait to continue. I have to admit that I sometimes skip over stories if they don't immediately grasp my interest. Not so with your story!

*BulletG* The anecdote about Bessie the great-granddaughter of that cow was inspired! I am so impressed with your ability to weave together such an excellent tale and then throw in a comedic side reference to a child's nursery rhyme to boot. There's so much creativity packed into this tiny story!

*BulletG* You have a steady grasp of the ridiculous technobabble that fans of science-fiction fans adore! That you applied this skill to explaining your time-traveling bathtub was too hilarious! Your paragraph where your speaker finally explains the "truth" of his bathtub had me smiling and chuckling through starbursts, galvanized black holes, and "AGNs. I love reading many genres, but part of me always seems to crave a bit of science-fiction. Now I know a good author to look for *Bigsmile*}

Suggestions:
Disclaimer: As you may have inferred from my 5 star rating, I think this story is pretty much perfect. What follows then are small suggestions of the nit-pick variety that address non-crucial elements of your story (and one very minor grammatical typo {e:smile)

*BulletG* Why do I want to go to another planet stripped bare and all soapy?” It looks like you forgot to place a quotation mark before this question.

*BulletG* In response to the aforementioned question: That’s ridiculous, Milkman. I love visiting alien planets. I feel like as a response to this question maybe your speaker should say how fun it is to visit alien planets for anyone, not just himself, since the Milkman had asked why he would want to go to another planet. Or change the question to "Why would you want to go to another planet..."

{e:BulletG} Last nit-pick: Does the Milkman need to talk at all? He only has two questions as it is, and for the most part, your speaker seems to anticipate his skepticism from just his facial expressions. I think this is where your comedic writing really shined! Now your lip is curved into a full-voiced sneer, and your finger is making circles in the air, just short of calling me a loonie. This was so much more effective than having the Milkman say, "You're a loonie". I'm not sure how exactly you would replace the Milkman's two questions to fit the story, but I think it might be worth it if you could!


Overall:
I cannot adequately explain how much I enjoyed this story! Suffice it to say, you have convinced this humble reader of your ample talents and knack for the little appreciated, but immensely satisfying genre of comedic science-fiction *Wink*

Thanks for taking the time to share your story with the writing world! Happy writing!


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20
20
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

This is a review of your short story: An Unbelievable World

Reviewing is my way of letting authors like you understand how much I appreciate their work! I hope you understand that everything I say is just my opinion (and not an ironclad judgment that will be shared by all humans everywhere - although that would be kind of cool *Wink*)


Initial Impressions:
Utterly delightful! You have crafted a truly imaginative story that turns out to be much different than its opening scene would suggest. Bravo!

My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* You craft such a believable and realistic relationship between Jaren and his wife, Liliana, which is essential for the rest of the story. I became so invested in their simple interactions, hoping that Liliana would not be too brutally honest about Jaren's latest novel, that I completely "forgot" to wonder if anything else was bubbling under the surface of this story. What a sly writer you are!

*BulletG* "In my books, I guess I just think of the real world and write the opposite. I take the commonplace and ordinary and turn it inside out." It was not until this line that something clicked in the back of my mind. My inner reader, who often likes to jump ahead of itself and predict what is coming next, struggled to be heard. Something else is going on here, it said. I commend you for so gradually bringing about your lovely twist and fully engaging my silly inner reader *Delight*

*BulletG* "As he watched her fly away, he thought that she was almost as beautiful a bird as she was a woman." What an excellent way to further cement your story's marvelous twist!

*BulletG* I love the way you contrasted your magical "real" world with the absurd "fantasy" world of Jaren's novel! It is no easy feat to convince the reader that the opposite of our reality is true, but when it is managed sucessfully, it is such a delight to read! “Even as a fantasy,” the publisher had argued, “the idea of a world without magic is too unbelievable!” This line is just too fun! After you've established the truth of your story (the dragons buzzing about and Liliana literally flying off) this absurd and hilarious remark of the publisher is such a perfect way to bring your little story to a close!

Suggestions:
As a happy disclaimer, my suggestions for you are of the "nit-pick" variety, since I honestly think this is a beautifully crafted and structured story without much need for improvement *Smile*

*BulletG* What kind of technology exists in Jaren's world? I only mention this because when Jaren is musing about his creation of a non-magical fantasy world he decides that technology will largely replace magic. It just got me thinking: How much technology does the magical world have then since cleary Jaren did not invent the concept just for his stories? This is by no means a crucial element of your story. Just something to think about if you ever choose to come back to this idea.

*BulletG* "It’s so different from the real world but you make it so believable.” There should be a comma separating these two clauses. This is the only grammar typo I could find *Smile*

*BulletG* Just for fun, if you haven't already, I'd suggest taking a look at Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things There's a short story in the collection (I believe it's called "Forbidden Brides of the Faceless Slaves in the Secret House of the Night of Dread Desire") that plays around with your story idea in a similar manner. He takes the concept of a man writing an almost painfully normal story about a man and woman eating breakfast while surrounded by the "real" world of an Edgar Allan Poe-esque nightmare. If you haven't read it yet, please do! I hope you can find the same sly charm and enjoyment that I received from reading your story!


Overall:
Arakun, I can tell you are such a gifted writer and a real asset to this wonderful community (that I'm still exploring and learning more about everyday)! It was a true pleasure to get to read your story!

Thanks for taking the time to share your story with the writing world! Happy writing!


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21
21
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Welcome to Writing.com! This is a review of your short story: The Victim's 'Choice'

Reviewing is my way of letting authors like you understand how much I appreciate their work! I hope you understand that everything I say is just my opinion (and not an ironclad judgment that will be shared by all humans everywhere - although that would be kind of cool *Wink*)


Initial Impressions:
Your style is so brutally honest in depicting the struggles of a troubled teen! Your ability to naturally tap into the angst and depression that many kids suffer with made me stop and reflect upon my own experiences and acquaintances from high school. From your bold and honest style, I can tell you and your story have some real potential!

My Favorite Elements:
*BulletG* Such a beautifully heart-breaking depiction of a struggling teen! I immediately was able to emphathize with her inner turmoil, especially here: "Gripping my satchel, i try my best to walk confidently but I know I look stiff and awkward. I know I look like the victim I am. All alone." You made me really feel for this girl who was running out of the strength and courage necessary to continue living. I liked how you fully committed to showing the hopelessness and anguish of this teen's lonely troubles.

*BulletG* Your use of the heroic story book as an impetus for Carrie's will to live struck home with me. I can't tell you how many times growing up I longed to either live the adventures of the characters in my books or, at the very least, have a tiny smidgeon of their personality and resolve! I thought this was such a moving and unique way to have Carrie overcome her suicidal urges. My only wish is that this had been expanded. I feel like it is the original heart of your piece and deserves to be showcased. Instead, the

*BulletG* I also enjoyed the almost rhythmic nature of some of your lines. Your fragmented sentences often served, most notably at the beginning when Carrie is being bullied, to create a sense of immediate urgency. One of my favorites, "But I can still hear them. However wide my imagination can stretch the wall, they find a way over. Always. I end up in an office. A letter home." I would only caution you against too many of such fragmented sentences. In this example, it works, but if you use that form too frequently it rather overwhelms your prose and lessens the impact of the few places it really works.

*BulletG* Lastly, your depiction of Carrie's mom was one of the more poignant parts for me. I know more than a few parents who feel so hopeless and helpless as they watch their children struggle alone. You illustrated this relationship beautifully! My heart broke at Carrie's dismissal of her mom's obliviousness to her life and troubles. I think the inclusion of the mother into this short story was such an inspired move! It add so much depth to a tale that otherwise would have been dominated only by Carrie's inward perceptions.


Suggestions:
*BulletG* While you do a marvelous job of illustrating the issues that make Carrie's life so miserable, I might suggest taking a closer look at the rationale behind Carrie's decision to first commit suicide and then to continue living. As a reader, I found myself emphathizing with Carrie's struggle, but not being totally convinced of any of her actions. I would love to see a deeper and more probing look into Carrie's inner turmoil. After all, this is what your story is all about - a girl's decision to live or die- and a hasty treatment of the reasons behind either decision seems unjust.

*BulletG* When Carrie thinks about her beloved cat, Zang, she muses that instead of him, it is she who is underneath a curse. For me, this line, and the avenue of thought it provided, took me away from the central focus of your story. If you do want to pursue this, why is it that Carrie feels 'cursed'? Does she blame herself or others for her current troubles? I think this could very well propel you down an interesting exploration of Carrie's thoughts, but you should either commit to it or omit it.

*BulletG* I think this story could really benefit from an expansion if you were at all interested! You have such a little gem of a story idea, but I feel like there are many areas that you could better flesh out to create a more vibrant and moving story. Does Carrie have zero friends but her cat? Has she ever tried to reach out to her mom or is there some reason why she already knows that would not work? From my perspective, the mulling over of suicide is so serious that it made me wonder what other resources, if any, this girl had. A longer version of this story would have time to address these issues and make Carrie's ultimate decision to live or die that much more powerful.

*BulletG* Possibly try and limit your use of italics. You don't really need to italicize her comments about what is going on such as, "Can I go on like this?" when your entire story is in first-person. Some italics can help emphasize a point, but overuse is never your friend.

*BulletG* You might want to view your story to recheck the arrangement of paragraphs. I'm not sure if this is what you intended, but groups of paragraphs are currently single-spaced together in odd combination. It really helps to view your story as your readers will, believe me! I used to just upload big ugly blocks of text with zero paragraph breaks with no idea of how funny it looked to the reader! *Blush*


Overall:
I am so glad you have joined Writing.com! You clearly have talent, and I know this entire community will benefit from your presence *Delight* Sorry if I seemed a little tough, but I only did that because I see so much potential in your writing! I would love to re-review this story if you ever decide to make any changes. It sure helps me to have a familiar set of eyes look over my drafts, and I'd be happy to offer my reviewing services to you again any time *Smile*

Thanks for taking the time to share your story with the writing world! Happy writing!


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22
22
Review of Killer  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi hayley!

I must say, this was a rather dark and intriguing piece! One of your first few lines - "I am seventeen years old and i am about to be killed by my boyfriend" - was instantly compelling.

Your story was filled with moody imagery that really helped to enhance the mood. I think you do a good job of creating a dark environment for your confused heroine.

This looks like it's just the beginning of a longer story, so I can appreciate that this is just a first start. There are a lot of technical errors in this piece. For one, most of your "I"s are not capitalized. There are also many misspellings, but a simple spell check can fix that *Smile*

I would encourage you to continue this! I think you have a fascinating start!

-Kilpik

(p.s. I was partly attracted to your piece because your username is my real name - spelled the same, for once! Good name *Wink*)


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23
23
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi CottonKing!

I realize this is just a work in progress, but I think you've got a really good thing going here! I love the natural way your prose flows. Every once in a while it is truly is refreshing to read a story that just tells a realistic tale about a person dealing with the normal things people of that age go through. Writers like me can't resist injecting at least one or two "fantastical" elemetns. I appreciate writers who can stay a tad more grounded *Smile*

I appreciate that you admit that you're not sure where you're going to go with this piece. My suggestion would be to decide what will make your story really different from others that deal with the same material. Your protagonist wants his football scholarship, but what else makes up his character? I think if you figure that kind of stuff out, the rest of your story will follow!

Thanks for sharing this, and good luck continuing it *Thumbsup*

-Kilpik

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24
24
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Paupers Pen!

This was such a delightful and breezy read! I volunteer at an elementary school two days a week, and I know a lot the kids would already be interested in the antics and misadventures of Tom Tokley *Smile*

I was very impressed with the way you depicted your 8 year old protagonists. Many stories directed at children often seem to belittle their intelligence. Yours, thankfully, did not. You heartily embraced the imagination and struggles all kids have.

I only have a couple of tips to make this even better! For one, I think you might want to add a possessive apostrophe to your title to make it Agent's or Agents' Assistant, depending on whether he will be assisting one agent or multiple agents.

The other is just to do an additional edit or two. Your story and characterization is spot on, but there are a few spelling and grammatical errors that could be eliminated.

Overall, great and fun read! I look forward to reading more in the future *Smile*

-Kilpik


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25
25
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi wordsplaytoday!

What an intriguing story! Whether this was fictional or not, there was something truly haunting and realistic about your narrator's recollection of her mean grandmother and that scarily familiar picture on the mantle.

I think you do a good job of building your story, weaving together the elements that would make the mantle picture so creepy.

I do think that this story needs to be fleshed out a bit if you were interested! I was unsure about the motive or reason why the kids at your grandmother's house had that picture or why they would lie about it. Also, maybe you could elaborate on why your grandmother was so mean. You tell us, but do not show us.

This piece could also benefit from an additional edit or two for grammar and spelling errors, but that is easily taken care of.

I think this is a fascinating start, and I look forward to reading more of your work *Smile*


-Kilpik


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