A very powerful work which I belive would also make a great rap song. It flows very well and conveys some great pictures. Although the work is contemporary, as a 56-year-old I can relate to many of the sentiments, making your poem timeless. Take out the reference to the hoody and it could have been written in the 1970's. Great work and seriously consider the song route. YouTube could make this a hit!
I can't get me head around the wiring of the opening graph. I see what you are trying to convey but the structure is very confusing.
I would separate the first speech in the first graph into a second graph. The first graph serves as your introduction, so when someone speaks in this case it should be a new graph.
Ninth graph shinned should be shined?
Eleventh graph 'was this an act of treason? Is a question, should have a question mark.
Graph 13, again when someone speaks after description, start a new graph.
And is it Wyane or Wayne? I suggest the latter as every time I read it, I thought it was a typo. Don't distract the reader.
Last graph, marrying not marring?
Overall a good start. Proofread carefully. Keep writing!
A very well written story. There is not much to pick at, great job! At first the language struck me as a bit flowery for a modern story, then the writing voice of Poe took over and I got it. Not sure if that was your intention, but that's what I felt.
The story itself was great, driving forward and keeping me reading. I got stuck at the end, however. I read the last several graphs three or four times. My feeling is that, if you delete he third from the last and next to the last paragraphs, you lose nothing. Unless I am missing something.
I like the concept of what you are trying to set up. Here are my comments:
I would break the first paragraph into two based on the different thoughts. Second would start "Having unified" and i believe allowing it's own paragraph will make the renaming statement stronger.
Third graph the correct spelling is suppressed.
I would change this: which happens sometimes so no worries. to this: which happened sometimes so no worries. The way it is now doesn't strike me as the right tense for the sentence structure around it.
I would delete the "even" out of this sentence: They even call themselves the cyberevolved.
The third graph from the end (I hope they are.) seems too vague. I say this based on the setting, which is focused on the net. It seems like in that setting, the information about the disease would have been Googled (or whatever engine is now popular) and every detail would be discovered and known. Knowing the information would make you sure that you had it, and it could make the entire paragraph much stronger with the certainty now hanging over your head.
I hoe this helps. I believe you have a good concept and would like to read the first story to see how it fits your vision. Good luck!
I read this a few times and it seems like I remember life far more as the second paragraph than the first. Life was good, not perfect of course. I think in many ways I believe I am still the same person of my youth. Now not exactly the same, only inside. I live thousands of miles from where I was born, I have none of the same friends. But I still feel the same. So the tone of yor opening paragraph made me think, which is of course the purpose of writing. Good job on moving me...
I do feel that your paragraph structure is very long. You jump between many well-explained and framed thoughts, but the length of the paragraph dulls the points you make. Consider shortening to drive home your point and sharpen the clarity and impact of each observation.
Overall I like this story. It has several little plot lines working in it, but the main focus seems to be change. It starts with change and ends in change, and works in a little irony with the lamb chops.
I am put off by two things. Your paragraphs are incredibly long. It's very difficult for a reader to read long passages of text. Let a paragraph reflect a thought, them start another. If you talk about more than two thoughts in a paragraph, you need two paragraphs.
The second is comma use. Read about comma use, then read your story. In the beginning especially, you let excessive comma use derail the flow of your story.
By nature all curiosity is genuine. You don't have to say genuinely curious. If you mean he is paying genuine or close attention, you could say something like seriously. You end up in the same place with the reader.
Peter ran. Peter's legs ran and he ran. Sorry but I don't understand this piece?
Do some close editing to make the story more active. Reflect action or tension by taking out unneeded words. Peter crawled out of the bathroom with short heavy steps. That paints a picture of two different things. Why not just say Peter plodded out of the bathroom? See what I mean? Fewer words and a more accurate description of the action.
You have something go or going here. Read it through very carefully and clean it up. I would like to read another draft. Good work.
Wow there is a lot here. A good base story with kits of description. I can see where you are going and your commitment to showing and not just telling. A few comments.
First, I feel your paragraphs are too long. Paragraphs should convey thoughts or thoughts around thoughts. Think the Bible. Not many long paragraphs in that book, but all very descriptive and meaningful. I enjoy the detail you are building, but if you don't break apart the thoughts like bites of a sandwich, I have trouble eating the whole thing at once.
Rick's now crippled hand. From what? An accident? Holding his bag too long in the cold? When I read that sentence, my mind went to at least middle age, then just a little later you said he was 28. Now I am curious about the crippled hand. If there is more to it, and I think there there should be, it would help build out your narrative of who this man is and why he is here. If the crippled hand does not add to the story, consider deleting it.
Did Rick plan this trip, or did he just meet some people in a bar killing some time and decided to hike? Did he want to hike and was attracted by the group's discussion about hiking? Some detail here would be good and it would help build your backstory.
Read carefully to avoid being over-descriptive. When you introduce the group you mention the couple from the UK, and then you say it immediately again:
"They had a young couple from the UK, an eccentric local photographer, an Australian girl and their local climb leader.
Rick saw Mary and Thomas, a young couple from London, were crouched packing their matching bags."
Some editing would help here. Why not just say London or Londoners, as everyone knows London is in the UK? I make this point to show you a potential distraction, as with reading distraction often leads to confusion. Write as tightly as possible. As in your comment about Barclays - delete "in England."
My last point - why does Rick of all people stay behind? Was this his trip to reward himself? Wasn't he excited? I had to reread a few times to understand that it was him who stayed behind, and I have no idea why. I would consider having another character stay behind in the tent. I have climbed and unless someone was severely hurt or injured, or I had been on that mountain before, i would be the lass person to stay behind and miss the adventure!
You have a very good story started here. It does not need to go on a diet, but a workout plan. Build out some areas to add some character and plot depth and cut some redundancy. Again, this is a good start, and the twist at the end with the stuffed animals took me completely by surprise. I would love to red another version!
I would break the first graph into two or three. Generally, when a person speaks that's a new graph. so you see how you could have three here? And splitting up also creates more tension, making it easier for the reader to follow along.
Your first sentence has too much news: The shock of the news had subsided after an hour or so of them getting the news.
How about this: The shock of the news had subsided after an hour.
In the second graph it should be "in their minds" and you have an error in tense in this phrase: Rocs punch at the wall in a blind fury, (should be punched at the wall).
I don't know what Part One looks like so I have yet to get a feeling for this writing. It seems like you have a good start, and you left me wondering what the plan may be. But without Part One I am not sure what they are planning for or against. Kepp writing!
I like the construct and overall plot of this story. A thoughtful read and some editing would make it flow smoothly. Don't ruin your flow with unneeded punctuation ( too many --- ). Using punctuation either stops the reader or underscores a thought. Be careful with it.
I believe your first graph would be much stronger with the following edit:
Among many who didn’t believe this was true was Meghan Anne O’Connor.
This sentence is more powerful, eliminating words that got in my way. Compare to yours and see if you agree. If you do, attack you story using the same editing technique. You have a great start here, keep writing!
Wow. This is one hell of a story and a mind tricker. At first I thought this was a war hostage situation. But you revealed it perfectly. The room full of keys was an absolute master stroke. This is something like Poe would write. A series of images that keeps you hanging and gets deep inside your head, scratching a little fingernail at your imagination. Great work, really. If you ever build this into a novel contact me. Keep writing!
I like this story a lot. It has good action and good flow. I was confused just after the stabbing, however. Was Ariel really there with him, or was he hallucinating while help was on the way?Later in the story, when she sees him in the hospital, she talks to him like she was not there, so I was confused.
You have several paragraphs which are very long, which tend to run thoughts together and make it tough on the reader. Shoot for paragraphs that describe focused pieces of action, in 35 words or less.
This is a rich and amazing piece of writing. Your ability to weave words together to create feelings is mazing. I feel they are wasted on me though, as I do not understand what I have read. you have so many great brush strokes, but somehow I have missed the painting. Is this part of a larger work? It seems to me that this woman is very elderly, perhaps a shut in. But then towards the end I am not sure. A captive? Abused? I love what I am reading but I am lost...
There are sections of this story that are very good, but it gets choppy at times. I found myself having to retread a few graphs thinking I had missed something. More detail between time transitions would be a help, I feel sometimes like I am jumping rock to rock across a stream.
Sometimes there are too many rocks. Here's an example, your previous graph mentioned being startled by a loud crash.
He sat with his back at her, and studied a shelf with wooden sculptures. In different stages of completion, they lay in disarray on the shelf and on the floor. Some of them showed signs of recent damage, as if they fell or someone knocked them on purpose.
In this context recent damage does not make sense, you just set that up with the previous graph. It's obvious they were damaged when they fell. And then you frame the source of the noise by mentioning the cut hand. Do you see what I mean? Use a declarative voice here, rather than passive. The action will seem much more crisp.
Great story. I liked the structure and imagery very much. I was, however, distracted y the paragraph configuration, which was very long.
Long paragraphs make it difficult for the reader. The thoughts run together and can make the reading tedious. Here's an example using only the first portion of a long paragraph:
Mr Sutherland turned and began to run for the stairs. He was almost crying but he was too terrified to find the tears. He reached the landing and ran across to his bedroom. He burst through the door, and then slammed it shut with his back pressed against it. The vibration travelled like a tidal wave through the house. The room was empty, with no sign of any life, but was the voice alive?
Do you see the single piece of action? Breaking the longer paragraph here frames the thought and provides an easy transition to the next.
Again, I liked the story and the plot very much, good writing!
Wow that was one hell of a story. I was reading this while watching the AFC championship game, and I could not wait for a commercial to continue reading. A great setting that we can all relate to ( at least at my age of 54). They just tore down the amusement park where I grew up, and it had a fun house just like this. These is something about a fun house that never leaves you, and you captured that hidden fear remarkably well. Again great effort and great story!
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