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Review of The Sailor  
Review by momoffour
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this piece. I really love the first sentence; although, I would remove the comma after "So,". It breaks up the sentence and it would flow so well without it.

In the first paragraph, using the word "boat" so many times feels weighted. I understand that you probably did it because, obviously, that is what the piece is based on. However, I think if you changed it to "It was one of his first words. They were his favorite toys." etc. the meaning would still be clear without such a short, solid word repeated so many times.

I adore the "old green bench." I can just picture the two of you. "We heard the boat before we saw it," is excellent.

"...like a deer caught in headlights," sounds too cliche. Did you already know that the look in his eyes was fear? Did you wonder whether it was panic or amazement? Could you describe what you thought at his eye-widening? Do you need anything other than his "eyes widened"? Just some things to think about.

"Until the boat passed, other than his heart. . ." is wonderful. I would use "but" instead of "although" for when he turns around. It is more grammatically correct.

At the end, could we have a little more detail about how he is now? Maybe something new he is attracted to or a little clip, like the "old green bench" clip? Through your writing, we have grown to adore this little boy and are now left wondering if he's giving up boats for good, is he too old for them, is there something new?

I hope my review doesn't come across as negative or critical. I absolutely love this piece and just want to help iron out a few little things that may make it smoother. I know writing is so personal, and as a mother, myself, who writes about her children, these stories are so dear to our hearts. God bless you and your family - your writing clearly shows your love for them.
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