*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/sandals30
Review Requests: OFF
71 Public Reviews Given
90 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Loss  
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the poem and the overall flow. I am however, confused about the content. The title, Loss, indicates sadness and the first four lines seem to support that, but the last two speak of a bond that will last for eternity. As this is an emotional thought writing, I am not suggesting you make changes, I just wanted to let you know it was unclear to me. The rhythm is very good.

Thank you for sharing this.

Sandi
2
2
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please note, these are my personal opinions and are meant only to try to help. You are the writer and you need to make all the decisions about your pieces. I hope that I can be of some help.

I like this piece overall, but I think it needs a bit of work. You use the passive voice more than a few times in this story. Try re-writing some of the sentences using the active voice. You are telling us, instead of showing us. Here is an example of what I am saying (I have put yours in blue and mine in red):

Takia is riding her bike along the beach feeling the cool breeze come off the water, when she notices something in the distance. Leaving her family playing in the sand and splashing in the water, she peddles faster stricken with curiosity. She sees a beautiful waterfall in the distance. She hears the thundering of the falls, feels the cool mist of the splashing water, and sees a brilliant rainbow sparkling above the waterfall.

Takia's long legs pumped the peddles of her shiny new bike as she zoomed past the beach. A delicious, cool breeze off the water settled on her skin, calming the heat from the sun. Suddenly, in the distance, she spies unusual shapes shooting into the sky. Unable to resist the call of a mystery, she leaves her family behind at the beach and races towards the unknown. As she draws nearer, her eyes drink in the beauty of her surroundings. A waterfall, with diamond like prisms, the sound of thundering horses and a gray swirling mist of millions of droplets of water, produces a rainbow so brilliant she stops in her tracks and stares in awe, forgetting even to breath for a moment.

Some good sites w/ more examples of what I mean are: http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html and http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative/showing...

The framework for the story is quite good, I just think it needs to be fleshed out more. Also, watch out when using people's names. In natural speech, people don't say each other's names all that often. It's ok to say she and her, instead of Takia, or if a person is speaking to someone, often there is no need to say the name at all. A good exercise is to actively listen to conversations between people and count the number of times they actually say the other person's name. Usually it's to get the persons attention or to make a point, but

You introduce a test and I thought that would be a pivotal point with a unique answer, but you never say what the problem is and it turns out to have a simple number answer. Since the test seems to be such a focus of the piece I think you need to expand on this and add some twist or fun element to this part of the story.

When Takia see's the bear that is major! That is proof that this was real and not just a dream, yet it was glossed over and honestly, I had to go back and read it again, because I missed that part. This needs more recognition, more fanfare. This is a super-natural element to a story. Show it off! Be descriptive, be fantastical, run with it!

I think the story has amazing potential and I encourage you to expand on it and watch it grow. Write On!
3
3
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (4.0)
I do not consider myself an expert at reviewing poetry by any means, so please take away from this what you want. *Smile*

I like the sentiment of the poem and the imagery is very strong. You have a meter going in the beginning, but it doesn't seem to hold up throughout the whole poem. Also you set up a rhyming pattern, but break it in the 3rd, 5th and 6th stanza' (or it is very weak the way I am pronouncing the words.)

I think with a little tweaking you can clean up the meter and the rhyme to make it sound more pleasent to the ear,

I do like the content of the poem and feel it is very strong.

Write on!
4
4
Review by Sandals
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reese-

You did a great job. I like your last line. It's powerful and that is coming from someone that is not at all religious.

Some helpful advice (I hope):
One thing you want to look out for (just ask your Mom) is overusing the verb be. When you use the verb be (am, was, are, etc.) it gives your writing a passive voice. When you use active verbs, then the story becomes more exciting with the action. Try changing some of your sentences around so that not so many of them start with "I".

I need to check, but you may need to capitalize Humvee.

If you enjoy writing, I hope you keep it up. You did a really nice job with this.

Sandi
5
5
Review of Old Hook Road  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
I like that the narrator ends up participating in the legend, but I felt this story could use more action.


What I liked best
The impact was so great that the girl was thrown over a nearby fence and, ironically, into her new home – a cemetery that stood on the opposite side.

Good description.


Suggestions for improvement
We writers hear it all the time- show don't tell. There are some excellent articles about this:
http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative/showing...
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/

I think the introduction to the story might be a little too long. This story is mainly about what happens to the brother, yet we don't even hear about him until 1/3 of the way into the story. You might want to introduce him and the narrator's girlfriend early in the story and use some dialogue to give this piece a more active feeling.

Watch out for overusing the same word/phrase. You use "At that poing" four times within the span of four paragraphs.


Technical aspects
I lay there as astonished, not knowing what to think, then my mother looked at me accusingly
Lose the word as before astonished.

We have both tried to forget that night on Old Hook Road, but it’s not easy.
Lose the word have and change it's to "it was" to keep it in past tense.
I quickly broke in, fully aware of the story and thinking about how my brother had lost his life on that road.
Since you have just told the reader the story about your brother, I think the whole part after I quickly broke in is unnecessary. You might want to consider moving that phrase down to the next paragraph. Example:


“I don’t want to hear this story,” I quickly broke in.


“I’m sorry, but the way I heard it, it was a girl in a white prom dress holding hands with a boy – a boy in a letterman’s jacket.

Typo- Close the quote.

Summary/Notes
I really feel a lot more dialogue is needed in this story. It will help establish mood, emotion and action.

Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
6
6
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
Story flows nicely, but you might need to punch it up a bit.


What I liked best
“Closer to your heart than I ever will be,” Elsa responded coldly.

Nice line.


Suggestions for improvement
I think the reader needs to learn more about Elsa. Since she is such a major part of the story, her motivations behind her actions are important. Why did she do this cold, calculating thing? Some background on her relationship with Charlie would help. Charlie doesn't seem like a stupid man, but yet he staying with an obvious gold digger that doesn't love him. Apparently he dotes on her, from your sentence where you say he doesn't pinch pennies on her.


Technical aspects
Where – and who – could that be from? he asked himself and began walking in the direction from which the sound seemed to be coming.
I think you need quotes around the phrase "Where-and who- could that be from". The only punctuation is the ? and it doesn't seem right, but I'm not positive on this sentence.




Summary/Notes
I'm trying to decide if you really want the reader to believe that this is supposed to be a "true" story or not, In the beginning you say this is verified, yet the characters are alone when everything happens to them, so...


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review of Hit Man  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
Sound writing and it flows nicely, but I felt the plot lacked a punch.


What I liked best
You give really good descriptions and use great active voice. Your writing technique is very good.


Suggestions for improvement
This story seems to have what could be a compelling plot, but it fizzles. I think what is missing for me is more intrigue. Charlie is a little too "Mary Sunshine." He's a nice guy with no enemies, yet a hit man is after him and he has no clue why. The cop basically reveals who it is in the middle of the story, yet Charlie is still clueless. The end seems to wrap up too quickly with very little suspense or drama.

The whole passage where Charlie gets an infection seems unnecessary to the story and doesn't do anything to move the plot along. If Charlie lost his arm and it affected the story it would make for a more interesting read, but as it is, it just seems like it's filler.

He wasn’t going to give out any more information than was absolutely necessary. After all, even Alberto only knows the city. That’s it.

This line doesn't make sense to me. I've read it quite a few times and still don't understand what you are trying to say.

Technical aspects
I didn't see any technical errors.


Summary/Notes
I really do enjoy reading your writing, but I think you need to spice up your plot some. Intrigue the reader with a twist.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review of ShapeShifters  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
You write very well, but I was a bit underwhelmed by the story itself.


What I liked best
In horrified fascination, I watched Bill’s body visibly relax and I remembered what he had said about the legend and the smell of fear. The big cat continued to lick his face. Then, in a lightning-fast movement, Bill had his hands clamped around its throat. Its body writhed as it tried to twist its gaping mouth toward his hands and arms and lashed out with its lethal claws. Bill held it at arms length and kept his hold on the throat, squeezing it tighter and tighter. His muscles bulged with the force he was exerting through them. After what seemed like an eternity, the beast’s body went limp. Bill continued to maintain his strangling hold for a few moments more before dropping the body to the ground and turning away.

Great description of the struggle.


Suggestions for improvement
I think at times you tend to give too much detail. The reader does not need to know every little thing. Your details are well written and described, but sometimes do little for the story. As an example:

Now I was committed. Maybe it won’t take too long and I can still get the hay cut. I glanced back at my truck. “I’ll have to move my truck. It’s blocking the pumps. Any place around here I can park it so’s it’ll be out of the way?”

“Why don’t you just back up a bit and pull it up alongside the store. Frieda won’t mind and it’ll be fine there.”

I walked back to my truck, picked up the gas cans, put them in the bed and climbed into the cab. A couple of minutes later when I rejoined Bill in front of the building, the others had dispersed.

Great descriptions and use of dialogue, but, except for the first two, lines, it does nothing for the story. Writers are often told show, don't tell, but I do think sometimes there is such a thing as too much showing.

I want to know more about the shape shifters. Each time we see them they appear as cats, although you allude to them as taking on various forms. All of these farmers believe in them, yet they've apparently never seen them and give only a vague description of them. How are they supposed to hunt them down? Usually legends take on a life of their own and have very vivid descriptions. People know friends of friends who have been attacked and usually describe what' when, who, where and how of the situations.

When did Jack move into town? To me it seems he's been around for several months (at least since Spring planting) yet he doesn't know a single neighbor? It also seems these men had no idea he had bought a neighboring farm, and from what I know about farming communities, that's not likely at all.

The reaction that Bill and Jack have to the attacks is too calm. They seem to just blow it off as if it were nothing other than a pesky everyday fly. At the end of the story, this non-reaction causes the ending to fall flat. I was also hoping there would be a twist of some sort.

Technical aspects
No errors that I saw.


Summary/Notes
I could really hear the farmers talking in my head. You did an excellent job with the dialogue.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
9
9
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
A sad tale of an immigrant trying to do right, but ending up doing the wrong thing. It was touching.


What I liked best
He lingered in front of the refrigerated case containing grilled chicken breasts and sandwiches of several varieties, fingering the bills in his pocket. With a sigh, he moved on to the drink area and plucked a soda from the cooler. Moving on to the cashier’s counter, he picked up a package of cheese crackers and paid his bill.

I could empathize with his pain. I like that he showed restraint and chose to delay his gratification, because he knew he would need those bills in his pocket to stretch as much as possible.


Suggestions for improvement
I felt this story could have been punched up with some dialogue. In this story, you tell the reader a lot, but are not necessarily showing us. Interaction between the laborers, more between Jose and Angelina and even between Jose and his children I believe would help.



Technical aspects
As usual, I did not find any errors.


Summary/Notes
I am a suspense/emotional drama junkie, so I tend to read stories with twists and lots of emotionally filled angst. Although this story was touching, I didn't find it extremely compelling, but that may be because of the types of stories I like.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review of Birthday Surprise  
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (3.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
A nice little tale, but the writing was a bit disjointed.


What I liked best
"Okay, God, I'm a bit slow, but I am here. Can you hold the rain off for a few minutes?"

Cute line.


Suggestions for improvement
Watch out for passive voice. I remarked on this in the review for Following Jesus. Again you want to try to avoid the "be" verb and use action verbs. For a lot of the story you were telling us what you were doing rather than showing us. This is where action verbs can help out too.

A thesaraus is a wonderful tool. Try to vary your words and not get stuck using the same ones over and over again.


Technical aspects
I was planning on taking the cake to my mother's house, to surprise my sister when she came home from work, as it's her birthday.
You switch from past to present tense...you should say "as it was her birthday."

My plan was made.
This phrase just seems awkward.


Summary/Notes
I do like the basis of the story. Some word choices/phrase made for a less than smooth flow in your writing. I think if you tighten it up and use active voice, this piece will improve quite a bit.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
11
11
Review of Missing you  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.


*****THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS*******
Overall impression
A moving piece of dialogue. I felt it was a bit rushed at the end, but I know this was written for the Dialogue 500 contest, so there was a word limit.


What I liked best
"I can't.. I can't have everybody relying on me. Sometimes I just want to scream and run away, but I don't know where to run to. I miss you so much, and I just don't understand, I don't."

"Understand what, sweetie? What don't you understand?

"Why did you have to get... you know? Damn, I can't even say it."

"Why did I have to get cancer? There wasn't any reason, John, it just happened. God wanted me to come home."


John's questions and emotions are very realistic and easy to relate to.


Suggestions for improvement
I didn't quite understand the "We're in the car" reference and since it turns out to be a pretty important point, I think a little more explanation is needed.

I kept asking myself whether this was all in John's head or if he was really speaking to his dead wife. If he was talking to her, I would expect her to know what was going on. She knows that he's been doing a good job of taking care of the kids, but she doesn't know that he is in the car doing what he's doing? If it is just his imagination, I wouldn't expect her to be so frantic in the end.

I think the last word takes away from the story (and as for the contest, technically it's not dialogue.)


Technical aspects
You write well, as I didn't find any technical errors in any of the stories I reviewed for this contest.


Summary/Notes
Very well written, only a few things that I felt could be improved, but those are only my opinions.

Write On!!


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review of Wicked Thoughts  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
Classic! I loved it. This was laugh out loud funny.


What I liked best
The whole thing! I read it the whole time with the typical "film noir" voice in my head and could picture everything as clear as a bell in my mind.


Suggestions for improvement
I wish you had used alliteration when you talked about wincing and wiki.


Technical aspects
None that I saw.


Summary/Notes
I love how you made this about something unexpected instead of the usual film noir plot.
You also made me look things up. (Didn't know who the Monica was you were referring to and now I know what wiki is.) The story has to be really good or really bad for me to look up stuff I don't understand, and yours falls squarely into the really good category.

Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review of Alison's Find  
Review by Sandals
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
Nice writing, good flow and intriguing plot.


What I liked best
Suddenly, the seagull was gone, and in her place was an intrepid treasure hunter, searching the jungles of Guyana for ancient artifacts.

Great imagery and so easy to imagine the look on her face when she stopped pretending to be the seagull and turned into the treasure hunter.



Suggestions for improvement
I thought this was well written and have only one suggestion. I think Alison should take the box with her, or at least try to take it with her. I believe her natural curiosity and childs innocence would make her want to share her find with her brother or Mother. If the box needs to stay where it is for plot purposes, then it could be wedged in tightly where she can't move it, but she could still try.


Technical aspects
I didn't see any errors.


Summary/Notes
That's quite a twist at the end. A very enjoyable read.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review by Sandals
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
That story did not go at all where I thought or expected it to go. It is very well written and makes me want to know more. Did she really go through with it??? What happened to cause all of her thinking???


What I liked best
I do know in my mother’s eyes I am pretty. I am more than pretty. I am smart, charming, and talented. But every mother thinks that of their child so it doesn’t really count.

I thought that myself a million times growing up. Very relate-able for teen girls.

She makes English exciting which has never happened before this year, and she doesn’t grade in red so it’s not like someone bled all over your hard work.

Like the visual image. Had never thought of it that way.


Suggestions for improvement
I really want to know the reason for her decent into madness. It appears she was perfectly normal up until this day. What happened? I also don't think it's fair that you end the story the way that you do. Talk about a cliff-hanger! *Smile*



Technical aspects
No technical issues that I could find.


Summary/Notes
You write very well. I saw my own teenage fear reflected in the beginning of the story and some of the same foolish thoughts I've had in life. I guess everyone has those "The Truman Show" moments where they think their life is just one big act.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Review of Why I Write  
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (5.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
I love it. Probably because I can relate to it so much. Great writing and good flow.


What I liked best
I am not your typical creative person. I cannot draw a recognizable stick figure. I have no musical talent whatsoever.

Writing is the part of me that I share and at times the part of me I keep hidden. It reminds me of the best friend that you tell all to, the friend that finishes your sentences for you. Writing isn’t a reflection of me; it is a part of me. All I have to do is look through my writing to see myself: random, funny, thoughtful, a bit twisted, full of mistakes at times, yet always seeking improvement.

I think we are twins! *Smile*

Suggestions for improvement
Honestly, I have none!


Technical aspects
Good on everything. Which I think I would expect from a writing teacher!


Summary/Notes
A short piece that I think will resonate with a lot of writers.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (5.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
Awww! That is so sweet. I love this short little story. It melts your heart!


What I liked best
The feeling of the story. The whole story evoked a feeling of such utter love, from the Mothers "Enjoy" and the cheetos and peanut butter sandwiches to the ring. It was absolutely perfect.


Suggestions for improvement
None, none, none!


Technical aspects
I couldn’t have been happier for any attempt at cooking would have been a disaster, and these were our favorites.

I think you need a comma after happier. (I'm scared to tell an English teacher that she needs a comma anywhere!)


Summary/Notes
I liked all three of your stories, but this is my favorite, because it just touched my heart so much.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
Review of The Refuge  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
A haunting tale (no pun intended.) I was surprised by the graphic events and language, but it does have an 18+ rating. I think I was shocked by the turn the story took, so that's why.


What I liked best
The most disturbing thing was the macabre grimaces of pain etched upon their faces in death.

I really like this line and it means so much more after finishing the story.


Suggestions for improvement
I thought about putting this under technical aspects, but decided it would go better here. You have a tendency, in this story, to use the ellipse. I felt as though it was overused. Once or twice is good, but for me, eight times is too many. Often times writers will have a certain stylistic device they like to use (mine is parenthesis!) and we need to make sure we don't over do it as it can distract from the story itself.


Technical aspects
Aside from what I mentioned above, I did not see any other technical aspects that needed improvement.


Summary/Notes
Was Ricky ever real? I wondered that throughout the story. I felt at some points that he was living flesh and bone, but at other times I thought he was a figment of her imagination the entire time. The ending is sort of vague- did you do that on purpose? I am assuming what happens (and I won't say it here, so I don't give it away)but I'm not 100% certain. That's not a bad thing, it was just something I wondered if it was your intent.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (4.5)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
I like this story. It is very heartwarming and well written.


What I liked best
I smiled and ran after him, chasing him from room to room. This granddaddy bear was grateful for Taylor's sudden 'trip.'
Butterfly kisses and Baby Bear hugs were passed around for quite awhile.

Great description and who wouldn't want what you describe?


Suggestions for improvement
I kept asking myself how you were related to Taylor- through his Mom or Dad? You seem genuinely surprised when Taylor mentions his "Other Daddy" but I would expect that you would know who that was, since this is your grandson. Perhaps a mention of "My daughter" or "My son" instead of Taylor's Mommy or Taylor's Daddy would clear that up.

Also, is there a reason you don't mention why Taylor's real Daddy isn't around? It feels like an unanswered question.

Technical aspects
I didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors *Smile*

Summary/Notes
I really liked this story. It strikes an emotional chord.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of Little Jamey  
Review by Sandals
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
***This review is strictly my opinion. I will offer praise and suggestions for improvement, if needed. It is given in the spirit of encouragement and support. Please continue to write on and let your voice be heard, no matter what any reviewer says.***

Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1225686 by Not Available.



Overall impression
Very emotional piece, but I found the beginning a bit confusing.


What I liked best
Jamey, wishing to help, quietly pulled every flower from the ground, placed them carefully in his wagon, and presented them to Phyllis. Both ladies were speechless. Then looking at the face of that innocent little man, they burst out laughing. Who could get mad at an angel?

I can see this so clearly in my head and it makes me smile!

Suggestions for improvement
I was very confused in the beginning. Who is Donna talking to and why are the nuances (Cough, Sigh deeply) written as though they are side notes for a play?

It may just be me, but it took a second reading before I realized that Jamey was the one she was describing in the beginning of the story. I don't know if that was your intention. If not, you might want to make it a little more clear.

Was there a word limitation on this story? I felt cheated on the relationship between Donna and Jason. They bump into each other, she hates him then the next thing you know they are married. I know this is a story about what happened to Jamey, but if you are going to bring up the Donna and Jason't relationship, I think you might want to show it a little more.


Technical aspects
Worse, if she and Jamey weren't with him, then he died alone.
This seems oddly worded to me. Perhaps someting along the lines of
Worse than that though, she and Jamey weren't with him, so he died alone.

For that year Donna and Jamey lived and grew, laughed and cried, and missed their husband and dad. Jamey didn't understand why daddy wasn't coming home to see him.

Both Dad and Daddy should be capitalized.

Phyllis was a avid gardener;
Typo- an avid gardner instead of a avid gardner.


Summary/Notes
Although this is a heartbreaking story I did not connect emotionally with Donna. I think the confusion at the beginning of the story had something to do with my disconnect. The writing is sound though and I think with a few tweeks this would bring tears to my eyes.


Sandi

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Review of Brown Nose  
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a lovely shade of brown that is on your nose. And look you got first place!

I thought this was really well written and followed the prompt beautifully. I could hear all of the intonations in the conversation and could clearly see the characters in my mind. Good job! The flow of the dialogue was good and plot kept me chuckling.

Great job!
21
21
Review by Sandals
Rated: E | (5.0)
How true! This article beautifully encapsulates how I feel when I get a great review but a not so stellar rating, so I'm sure that it resonates with most on WDC.

It is definitely puzzling to get a good review only to see it rated low and hard to let the pondering go. I agree that we need to look past the ratings and at the comments and encouragement, but those stars do say something. They may be the reviewers way of expressing their negatives that they were afraid to put in writing because they don't want to insult the writer.
22
22
Review of Got It?  
Review by Sandals
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
****Note- This was for a contest that the story was supposed to be written badly***

I won't lower your review ratings score by giving this a 1.0, even though it so clearly deserves it.

Horrible use of run on and fragmented sentences. Cringe worthy characters and atrocious use of cliches make this a spectacularly bad piece of writing. I applaud your ability to embrace the suck! Absolutely abysmal dialogue adds to the painful reading experience.

This truly is a crime against fiction! Great job!

I hope you had as much fun writing it as I did reading it.
23
23
Review of One Word  
Review by Sandals
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Heather-

I like the premise of the story, but I think the writing needs to be tighter. You switch tenses from present to past, sometimes in the same sentence. You have good use of imagery and I enjoyed the twist at the end of the story.

I would suggest that you go back and reword some passages and be careful of using the same word too many times in one paragraph or sentence. (This is just something that bothers me but may not bother others.)

Am I right in assuming that the assassin goes to the same place every time to kill people? I'm not sure a career killer would do that.

Keep writing.

Sandi
24
24
Review by Sandals
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I liked the story and the pacing. It is well written and nicely descriptive. It is a slice of life piece that I think most people can relate to or empathize with. The mood of the conversation echoing the weather is a perfect touch. I look forward to reading some of your work.
24 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/sandals30